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Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

(445 Posts)
SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:24:30

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:30:42

What do you want to do?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:32:55

I'm sorry.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:05

Just read your title, and see you don't know what to do.

I'd be asking myself why a timewaster like he says he is hasn't been blocked from by the site. Maybe they don't mind them.

The refusing to let you see the messages I see as negatively significant. He should be falling over himself to reassure you. You have asked him to do something to reassure you and he has refused.

And did he really say "even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think."

If those were his actual words, then isn't he admitting that there MAY be actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:17

Do you have a best friend you can call?

TheFidgetySheep Tue 18-Sep-12 16:34:52

Well, that is about as crap as it gets for yous isn't it.

All I could suggest is to try to protect yourself. You are no doubt in so much shock, you will not be able to process information or make sound decisions.

Book an appointment at STI clinic urgently, especially as you have been ttc.

Gather as much financial info as you can and copy it. Store it at work or at a friends house. This does not commit you to any course of action.

Try to eat and drink and get some sleep. In a week or so, you might be able to think more clearly.

fwiw, imo, he is a lying bastard who has put you at significant risk. I don't think this can be an innocent hobby.

Can you book to get away at the weekend to visit friends or family?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:35:42

Even if he is just playing silly games on sex sites how does that make you feel about him? If he doesnt want you to see the messages it probably does mean it went beyond flirting. A six year cyber-sex habit isn't going to disappear overnight and he seems remarkably casual about the whole thing. Worth taking some time to think it through rather than making hasty decisions based on rental values. You have options.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:35:51

Another point, he says he "has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship,"

So did he meet them before?

PeppermintPasty Tue 18-Sep-12 16:36:47

Will he have deleted them now do you think? Is it the kind of site you can delete stuff from <tech dummy here> as I would be bloody well insisting on seeing those messages or packing his bag if he refused. I'm so sorry.

Crinkle77 Tue 18-Sep-12 16:38:44

I think what you need to do first is get yourself to the doctors to get checked out as 'bareback' suggests unprotected sex.

I would not believe him when he says he just did it when he was bored. If so why ask for bareback. If he is guilty then he obviously has no consideration for your health if he is prepared to put it at risk

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:40:51

First reaction, I want to stay. I love DH, desperately. But I can't trust him, especially if he's still being secretive. But I also think I mainly want to stay because of my home and what I feel is my lack of security to do anything but stay. But I do know that if we hadn't moved house, and I hadn't sold my flat, and I still had my support network, I'd probably leave. Or at least be less muddle-headed.

I know that I can't just let it lie and believe him blindly. But I can't see how I can reinforce that to him.

2cats2many Tue 18-Sep-12 16:41:40

This is so shit for you. Sorry, but he is clearly lying. I just can't see any way that he would have been emailing prostitutes since 2006 unless he was meeting them to buy sex.

Holy shit! Is that what that site is? I've used my OH's laptop a few times and that site comes up along with a few others like Mumsnet, Amazon etc as one of the sort of 'websites you've viewed recently / regularly' options. Shit, I never even gave it a second glance or wondered what it was. Feel like an idiot now and need to do some digging...

You have my sympathy OP.

TheCalmingManatee Tue 18-Sep-12 16:43:29

You know that he's lying don't you? There are plenty of chat rooms that you can go and have "adult chats" and get a bit of daytime excitement where there is no "joining" no account and no mention of meeting up for sex. Or if there is, its all a bit tongue in cheek and fantasy land. I have done this in the past blush. That is worlds apart from signing up with an escort agency.

Too late to insist on him showing you now, he will have deleted his history.

I don't know where you go from here? There is a massive breach of trust and he hasn't gone any way to reassure you that this has stopped.

ObscuredByClouds Tue 18-Sep-12 16:44:37

So sorry OP. I'm not sure I'd believe him because he wouldn't show you his profile and also why the hell would someone send messages over a number of years just for kicks? And tbh, even if it is just for the thrill of sending messages, that in itself is a huge betrayal in my eyes.

OneHandFlapping Tue 18-Sep-12 16:46:49

Whatever you do, put your ttc plans on hold for now. The last thing you need is to find yourself pregnant when everything is so up in the air.

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:15

Shit OP - I don't know what to say! I'd never even heard of this site, and have just discovered my DH has an account. I only discovered this by (just this minute) putting his email in the forgotten password form, and it sent a reminder. I feel sick. Whatever you want to do, I think I will join you.

HecateHarshPants Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:15

There's only one reason that he refused to let you look, and that's because he knew what you'd find. If he suddenly has a change of heart and decides to let you see - it's cos he's logged on and deleted everything!

If you want to try to work through this, he's going to need to be honest with you.

He's probably trying 'damage limitation', thinking if you can't prove anything, you can't do anything. But he's wrong. Not knowing is worse than knowing, because you can't help but think the worst. If you know everything, then you can make an informed choice.

But how can you believe someone who is clearly hiding things and how can you try to rebuild trust when you know they're not being honest with you?

It's part of the script - admit only that which she can prove.

It's really shitty and it is a barrier to dealing with it.

If you want to deal with it, that is.

From outside it, the thought "leave the bastard" is deafening! But it sounds like that's not what you want to do?

ErikNorseman Tue 18-Sep-12 16:49:42

Liar, liar, liar
He has had a profile for 6 years and has never done anything? Lies. He won't let you see the messages? Lies. Liar, liar, liar
So sorry but there it is. He lets you see the messages immediately or he is admitting the lies. Dirty fucker sad

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:50:10

He said that it won't make any difference that I won't find actual dates and times in the messages because I'll just choose to believe he's deleted those messages/made the arrangements by phone. So he's not going to let me see stuff he knows will upset me even more when it's totally emoty and meaningless. I want to believe him, but I don't the more i think about it. He said that all the 'Bareback?' stuff is part of the fantasy, it excites him to write the request for something so dirty and then see what's returned.

I do have a best friend, but she's 36 weeks pregnant and even though I know she'd fall over backwards to help me, I don't want to burden her with all this sordid shit when she should be looking forward to her baby. I'd call my mum, but how do I explain online sex to an elderly woman?!. She'd be gutted as well.

I've booked myself in for an STI check on Wednesday.

Thankyou. It's just so difficult, only having my own thoughts and no other perspective and nobody even to talk to.

SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:51:16

So sorry that others here have Adultwork on their radar sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:02

"But I do know that if we hadn't moved house, and I hadn't sold my flat, and I still had my support network, I'd probably leave."

Run with that thought. Whatever you decide to do next, don't let the decision come down to bricks, mortar and a few quid. You'll end up feeling you sold yourself cheap.

HalfaShandy Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:24

I agree with ErikNoresman. If this was a recent thing then it may be believable that this has not escalated. But 6 years. I doubt very much that messaging alone has kept hom amused for 6 years. I imagine it has slowly escalated and there is alot more to this than he is admitting.

His refusal to let you view his account in full is a big red flag and his excuse for not allowing you is lame! If he has nothing to worry about then surely he wants to proove his innocence.

So sorry OP.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 18-Sep-12 16:52:39

I know that I can't just let it lie and believe him blindly. But I can't see how I can reinforce that to him.

Any action that involves you staying with him will only reinforce to him that he's gotten away with it.

I mean, he's not even being truthful and asking what he can do to make it better, is he? No: he's giving you bald-faced lies, to deny the fact that he has been buying sex from prostitutes. Not exacly a great start.

The only action on your part that will get any kind of message through to him is for you to insist that one of you move out, until such time as you feel you can trust him again.

Words clearly mean nothing to him (cf his own lies). The only thing left is to show him the consequences of his behaviour.

So that's THREE of us who think our OHs have at the very least been emailing prostitutes on that site and at the worst god only knows what? What the hell is going on! I'm going to try and get my hands on that laptop the minute I get home.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:53:16

BTW... call your best friend. The last few weeks of pregnancy are damn boring and uncomfortable. She'll probably be very pleased to hear from you.

HecateHarshPants Tue 18-Sep-12 16:53:51

Nothing can upset you more than not knowing. If he's refusing to let you see (and I think he's full of shit, tbh) then realistically, are you going to think he's telling the truth or lying?

I don't know this, of course, I'm not in his head, but I bet my last rolo that he won't let you see because you WILL find something, not because you won't.

He has to understand that the only chance he's got now depends on him being honest.

Really sorry you're going through this.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:56:32

So if you say "Well if you don't show me the messages, we are definitely over, whereas if you do and you are innocent they might prove this" what do you think he will say.

He says "I'll just choose to believe . . ."
"It won't make any difference. . ."
"he knows will upset me even more."

He just loves to tell you, how you feel, how you think, how you will react doesn't he? Is he like this in other areas of your life?

It's meaningless is it? He needs to know that it is not meaningless to you. What it MEANS to you is: disgust, sordidness, STD clinics, divorce . . . He needs to get the picture.

Sorry OP didn't mean to sound all 'me me me' just had a bit of a bloody shock. Hope you manage to resolve your situation one way or another.

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Sep-12 16:56:42

Sorry, OP.

I think mumsnet can be a bit judgy sometimes, but 6 years? Asking about bareback? I think he has at least met/visited some of these women.

If it was porn (not popular here, I know) at least you'd think he's been having a quick go with himself. What else are you meant to think? If he won't let you see the messages I think you are probably right.

I think you do need to get an STI test, particularly if you have been TTC with him.

vintagewarrior Tue 18-Sep-12 16:58:48

So sorry for you. He had a chance to show you the messages in that moment, it's worthless now as he'll have deleted anything incriminating.
Game over for me i'm afraid, I'd not feel the same about him after that.
I'd also get down the clinic for tests, and blag him that I have caught something to try & trip him up. But i am a clever & calculating bitch, you may not be.
Talk to a friend in RL if you can x

HalfaShandy Tue 18-Sep-12 17:00:54

I know some m ay disagree but those of you that have just found something suspicious - it may be wise to play your cards close to your chest initially whilst you do your onw investigation work on computers, bank accounts, searching for further evidence (condoms?) etc. BEFORE you approach or confront.

Few blokes roll over and say Opps yeah you caught me! It will be a case of damage limitation and once he knows you are on to him any incrimination eveidence will be hidden/deleted and you may never know what he has or has not been upto.

So sorry for you all. Its utterly shit being in this situation sad.

ErikNorseman Tue 18-Sep-12 17:01:28

He could have shown you the messages immediately with no chance of deleting anything. Now of course you will think he has deleted messages because he has had time to do so.

He's a massive liar. Sorry x

Donkeysdontridebicycles Tue 18-Sep-12 17:07:08

What a horrible shock. The trouble is, you'll now be questioning your time together, wondering what else might have happened. He's probably had a long time to think up plausible excuses. Well done arranging an STI test. I think confiding in your best friend will help you sort things in your head.

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 18-Sep-12 17:08:47

Oh dear.

I think you have a right to see the other messages regardless of what he says. And I think it should have been a case of show me or I leave. Has he now had time to delete?

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Sep-12 17:08:56

I'm generally a hmm snooping type.

Adultwork? Worth snooping for, sorry.

Mama1980 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:11:40

What a hideous situation I'm so sorry op. I'm sorry but I can't see anyway that he is not lying, bareback/6 years?! That is not idle chatter and his defensiveness over the messages screams guilt I'm afraid. For me this would be a instant deal breaker. Glad to read you have a Sti test booked. If you want to stay stay but if you only stay because you feel far from home with nowhere to go then go. Yes it's scary but in the long run you'll be happier, if you stay and feel like that you'll end up feeling you sold yourself short and I can't see that way happiness lies sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 17:15:22

<Delicate old biddy not sure if she should even be asking alert>..... 'bareback' means?

ShIne0ncrazydiamond Tue 18-Sep-12 17:17:39

Without a condom

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 17:18:15

Thanks. Ew...

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Sep-12 17:23:20

I've rarely heard a lie so blatant and ridiculous as his excuse for not showing you his inbox full of "innocent" messages to prostitutes asking for unprotected sex.

He is treating you like a fool and you are too shocked to see it for just what it is.

He's a liar and a longstanding punter.

He buys sex and has put your health at significant risk.

At least you have no children by this scumbag.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 18-Sep-12 17:25:16

So sorry Op (and to the others who have found their OH's accounts on this site).

Cheating is bad enough but choosing to use vulnerable women and buy sex from them has to be the worst kind of cheating. Not only is he throwing away years of marriage for meaningless sex, but also he has very warped ideas about women and relationships sad

It must be a shock to discover the real him after so long sad

sades101 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:27:46

Firstly, you shouldn't base emotional life decisions on material things, that will only lead to misery (in this situation the only misery felt would be from you) secondly, he has no right in not letting you see his account - It's ridiculous. I will categorically tell you that he has done something more than flirt if he doesn't let you see his account. It's stupid him acting as if you seeing more will only hurt you - Not knowing is far worse, long lasting and damaging to a person that reading something you may not like to see.
If I were you I would play it cool with him whilst you arrange somewhere to go, get some money aside for yourself and get out of the relationship - Someone that does that for 6 years needs their eyes opening, also the fact that you have let it lie so readily just tells him that all is well and go ahead and carry on doing that... Which no self respecting woman should ever have to deal with. If you don't feel enough respect for yourself to leave (even if that does leave you in a less than ideal money situation) then I would say try and get some counselling to get some self respect YOU DESERVE BETTER, YOU ARE WORTH MORE. What's the point in having a leisurely 'easy' life if it is full of dishonesty. I hope you find the courage to either force him to show you his account in which you can then decide for yourself what damage has been done and whether or not it can be repaired, or just to get out of the relationship now.
I'm not usually this upfront, but I think he sounds very deceptive and manipulative.

Hope you get it sorted

What AThingInYourLife said.

angry What a despicable excuse for a man.

Why fantasize about going bareback with a prostitute? He does that with you all the time, does he not?

I bet he has done it many times already.

monsterchild Tue 18-Sep-12 17:35:00

And I second calling your friend. I'm 27 weeks and I would not at all mind taking in a friend in need. Please don't let that stop you. If nothing else, she may appreciate the company and if you were to offer to do the bending and other chores around the house I'm sure she would love you!

PostBellumBugsy Tue 18-Sep-12 17:36:26

OP, I'm so sorry - what a horrible discovery.

Have you looked to see if there are any other suspicious looking sites on his ipad? If he's been on Adultwork for 6 years, there is a liklihood he may have been on other sites too.

Sadly, I agree with most of the others that there is a strong liklihood that he'll have done more than just visit the site. Although to be honest, just visiting it would be a deal breaker for me. Fantasising and corresponding with another woman about riding bareback while in a relationship would repulse me so much, I'd really struggle to have an intimate relationship with him again.

You'll get lots of good advice on here - please don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Sep-12 17:38:06

This would be game over for me

Not necessarily because he had most likely cheated.

But because of the way he carelessly disrespects women and expects you to swallow his lies

The sad thing is, you are prepared to do just that sad

I couldn't stay married to a "man" like this

sades101 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:38:36

I agree PostBellumBugsy I no a lot of people are okay with stuff like that... but I'm not even okay with porn - My partner wouldn't like me watching other men, so I expect the same in return!!

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Sep-12 17:39:05

It shows the lovely side of prostitution that these women are happy to spend 6 years e-mailing a bored man who never pays them any money.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Sep-12 17:41:30

yes, ATIYL, and pigs may fly

TheFidgetySheep Tue 18-Sep-12 17:42:36

Am pretty sure bareback is not considered dirty - more high-risk - which is why it is more expensive.

I ache for you ladies (not empty words, truly), but you will survive.

Mellower Tue 18-Sep-12 17:43:20

Oh I wondered what it meant too blush Not at all what I thought, I have never heard of this website. I don't think I want to!

Mumsyblouse Tue 18-Sep-12 17:44:16

I wouldn't be happy about him emailing prostitutes, full stop. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who thought that was an ok use of his spare time. What he's admitted to (the 'better' version) would be too much for me.

If it's worse than that, which of course it is, do you really think girls on the site have nothing better to do than email men who ask for information and never meet (I bet he's well known after 6 years), I would be out of there tomorrow.

lotsofcheese Tue 18-Sep-12 17:50:34

Could you ask him to leave for a bit, OP?

AlmostAGoldHipster Tue 18-Sep-12 17:51:10

After 6 years, he probably gets discount!

I'm so sorry, OP, but your relationship has been a lie. You don't know this man at all and I'm so angry for you that you gave up everything to be with him. This may sound harsh but my feeling is that women who stay in unhappy relationships for financial security don't really have the moral high ground over women who have sex with men for cold, hard cash.

If you choose to stay with him, he will continue to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes and you will just have to put up with it. I couldn't but it appears that many women do. It's your life and it's short and you must live it how you wish. Think carefully before making a decision - this really is one of those life-changing events that could haunt you for years to come.

I am very sorry for your pain.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Sep-12 17:54:38

Bricks and mortar shouldn't influence whether you stay with a person like this

DisabilEightiesChick Tue 18-Sep-12 18:08:35

I am very sorry this has happened to you, but he has been having sex with prostitutes, probably throughout your entire relationship. The situation you've discovered and his reaction says very clearly this is not just a fantasy. Not that it would be ok if it was 'just' that but I'm afraid it's much worse.

Believe it or not, you're lucky not to have had kids with him. There's time to change your life.

HistoryNerd Tue 18-Sep-12 18:15:55

Prostitutes is a huge deal breaker. Any man who thinks its ok has fuck all respect for women.

catsmother Tue 18-Sep-12 18:46:43

If, as he claims, you'd think badly of him whether you see messages or not then in that case it'd make no difference - by his reckoning - if you did see them. What a pile of crap ! He was buying time ..... if you plead with him to let you see by now he'll have got rid of messages anyway, and I bet anything you like if he does let you "see" into his account later the arrogant shit will act like he's doing you a favour and will turn all of this back on you, as in, "see - I told you there was "nothing" to find, see, it was all "just" a stupid bit of mucking about" etc etc. Treating you like you're a fool.

In any case ..... as so many others have said already, even if he's not actually turned fantasy into reality he's still been interacting with real life women .... getting his rocks off by treating women like lumps of flesh. It's disrespectful to them - even if that is their "job" - and my god, it's contemptuous towards you.

If you do believe that you can recover from something like this - the lies, the disrespect, the complete lack of remorse or apology, the scummy attitude to women in general .... then think very hard about how you'll ever be able to relax again, how you'll ever be able to trust him (about anything), how you'll be able to live with the knowledge that he holds you in such high regard (not). I should think it'd destroy most people's mental health TBH. I know couples do get through infidelity etc but only with absolute remorse, transparency, willingness to make an effort, lots of reassurance, lots of talking (if wronged party wants to), and total honesty. So far it's not looking good for any of that TBH is it ?

I'd be pretty tempted in all honesty to nick the bloody iPad and see if some IT bod couldn't hack it in some way just so I at least got to the bottom of what had really been going on and was left in no doubt - whatever was uncovered. And then I'd tell him to eff off .......

Mintberry Tue 18-Sep-12 19:25:19

Have had a similar experience but with Craigslist here, he made the same excuses as your OH, I still haven't worked out if I actually believe him or just really want to believe him.
Even if he's telling the truth about what he's doing, you're still going to have doubts in the back of your mind for a long time or even the rest of the relationship. I know I still do. Can you really put up with that indefinitely? It's terrible because like your situation, everything seems perfect apart from that.
At least be firm with him and give him an ultimatum-he should show you the messages! Though if they were incriminating he likely deleted them. You need to make him realize that this is NOT a game, and you are considering leaving him over it. I regret not stressing this.

Apocalypto Tue 18-Sep-12 19:35:02

Obviously he has been shagging prostitutes.

There are thousands of prostitutes in this country. Who's keeping them all paid? Isn't this the very model of a punter?

Otherwise what are you to believe? That there are men who email them but simply waste their time and never meet them, and that the actual sex these women sell is happening between them and quite different men?

eitheror Tue 18-Sep-12 19:41:40

After a strenuous namechange, hope I won't get flamed for this but am hoping I can advise.

In a past life I was a user of Adultwork (AW) as a worker in the sex industry. It's a very, very well known and popular site and well known for not only facilitating contact with 'ordinary' prostitutes but also for providing access to sex workers who provide specialist services. Even among sex workers there is a lot of unhappiness about the fact it does not regulate its members in any way and there are a lot of women offering bareback (unprotected) sex.

Anyway. As someone familiar with how the site works I will say that I think your husband is lying. Six years is a long time to be a member of AW without 'doing anything'. Similarly 50 messages is just what you saw on the computer screen at one time, and maybe does not even reflect the extent of his messaging, as members manage their inboxes just like Outlook etc, deleting the old and irrelevant.

If you can recall the username your H used on AW it might be worth doing a google search or if you can stomach it go on to AW and do a search on there. A lot of the male members (service users) do things like give ratings and write 'field reports' if they have met up with an escort. For the purposes of the site it is a way of both parties to show they are genuine, reliable, not 'fakes', 'safe' etc (I know, I know).

Men who message escorts repeatedly without making any bookings are generally given short shrift and regarded as 'timewasters'. They are unlikely to last six years doing it especially under the same nickname. For what it's worth, your H's comment about 'moving on to make arrangements by phone' probably has some truth in it. Many, perhaps most escorts on AW quickly go from email to phone contact because you need a phone number as a point of reference and to finalise booking details in person. He was trying to put you off the scent there but actually what he said is exactly how it works.

Your H will have deleted all his messages by now but a google search might flag up if he has used his nickname elsewhere on similar sites.

An associated search for clues might be to look at your joint finances and see if there are any unusual or significant withdrawals of cash, and whether their timing is significant. You might also wish to be on the look out for second/spare phones or sim cards (they all have one) and secondary, 'hidden' email accounts.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting. Good luck and I'm so sorry.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 18-Sep-12 19:44:13

Sorry he is lying. If he hadn't been lying he would have immediately shown you his account.

You deserve more and you deserve a real man - get out and rebuild your life. X

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Tue 18-Sep-12 19:46:47

Turn back the clock and go to live near your friends and try to get the same sort of job again.

Forget this man. He's a liar and a cheat.

I do think you're in shock - it's a really awful feeling.

UnbridledPositivity Tue 18-Sep-12 20:00:03

Speaking from experience (was in exactly your situation a few years ago) - this is the tip of the iceberg. Get out while the shock is still fresh! He will tell you all sorts of lies so he doesn't have to admit what kind of person he is, and after a while you start thinking it'll take too long to find someone else to TTC.
Would you want your children to be looked after and influenced by someone who has done this?

UnbridledPositivity Tue 18-Sep-12 20:01:51

Oh yes, also: he can delete his messages, but not the log of webcam and phone sessions. Check local escorts for reviews by his username. Also check all credit card statements you can get your hands on.

Insist that he give you his login.

DisabilEightiesChick Tue 18-Sep-12 20:03:13

eitheror No offence taken and no flaming from me. It's for all of us to remember that it's the lying cheating man here that deserves the blame, no one else. Thanks for posting that information.

dondon33 Tue 18-Sep-12 20:06:56

I'm so sorry OP, what a fucking shitty thing to find. Sorry to the other's too who now know what this site is and that their OH have been accessing it.

OP, do u remember the username/email that was on the screen?
If yes, go to AW and click the forgotten password link, you'll need to know his email address that he registered with but hopefully it's his usual. You can then hopefully change his password and access his account.
Or if not, what Eitheror (Not offended BTW) said about looking on the site at his username to see if he's rated anyone.
Good luck at the STI clinic, I hope he's not been sleeping with prossies for your sake but to be honest it's not sounding very good. Over the next few days when it sinks in I hope you see that there is a way out and you don't have to stay. let him go riding bareback all he fecking likes and get cockrot of the worst kind
Take care x

eitheror I think it's good of you to be so candid

OP I am with the majority here and don't believe for a minute that he never made physical contact with anyone

Regardless..

So what? It's a dealbreaker as is. Both in terms of lying but also exposing the kind of man he really is and the moral code (or lack of) that he lives by.

There is a silver lining, a massive one, and that is that you don't have children. If and when you do walk away, it will be desperately hard but once it is done it is over and you will never have to have contact again. Infinitely easier than ending a relationship that has produced DCs.

I know that all sounds very final and dramatic, but personally, in your shoes, there would be no other option. Six years FFS!

I am so sorry for you

Chubfuddler Tue 18-Sep-12 20:09:52

His reaction is pretty telling. Instead of being horrified at being confronted and overcome with contrition, he pulls a poor me act and starts deflecting blame onto you claiming you won't believe him anyway. He is not a nice man op. whatever you do don't get pregnant by him.

DisabilEightiesChick Tue 18-Sep-12 20:10:25

OP, also, with regard to telling people like your mum, I would pare it down to the heart of the matter and say 'He cheated on me and I realised I would not be able to trust him not to do it again'. You might choose to go into more detail with trusted friends but don't feel you have to do chapter and verse with your mum. The statement above is all the justification you need.

carlywurly Tue 18-Sep-12 20:21:29

What a horrible shock for you. Thank goodness you don't have children with him, and you are free to go, no matter how it seems.

I put up with some shenanigans from XH, but nothing on this scale. You're bound to be in shock now, but as realisation dawns, expect to feel livid with him.

He's betrayed you in a horrible way, and also put you at serious risk by this kind of sordid behaviour. I hope you can find the strength to leave him. He isn't father material, I'm afraid.

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Sep-12 20:22:05

I don't think the cheating is the heart of the matter, it is the fact of paying to use women's bodies like pieces of meat.

Thanks either for weighing in smile

Losingitall Tue 18-Sep-12 20:27:01

What a shock for you.
Do you have access to bank a/c? I recall a thread on here last year where someone had found the name on statements.

eitheror Tue 18-Sep-12 20:42:36

It might not show up on statements if he has been using AW just for messaging and getting the phone numbers of prostitutes. You don't have to pay for that, or pay to join.

To view webcam shows or to do phone sex on AW you have to buy credits using their own system. You can do this by credit or debit card (which would show up on statements) however men can circumvent this by buying credits via mobile phone, again AW's own system, I'm not sure how this works.

It's going to be difficult now to get evidence because he will have deleted his profile and all trackable details. Start with the google search and see where it leads you.

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 20:45:10

Jesus Christ. How disgusting, op. I'm so sorry, you must be reeling.

Agree with everyone who said material things are not worth staying for. I cannot believe you are even considering staying because of a house. Kick him out.

I would rather be homeless than live with someone who buys women for sex sad

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 21:02:35

I'm still confused as to what the site actually is for. Can it be accessed for porn, or is it just for contacting escorts. Sorry for the silly question, I have been on there, but it's made me feel a bit sick, and I'm just checking it is definitely different to other porn sites? Can there be a rational explanation at all, for membership there?

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:04:16

I just had a look too and it looks like like a hook up site for escorts/prostitutes Tamisara. I dont think it would be used for porn purposes.

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 21:10:34

Thanks chips that was my fear.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Sep-12 21:12:45

Some people offer webcamming or private galleries on AW. It's not quite exclusively escorts.

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:13:18

Do you have his email password Tamisara?

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:14:23

Tbh webcamming would be just as bad for me, it's still cheating and interaction with a sex worker, and they probably still have to pay for it

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 21:16:40

chips no, I can't even access his laptop (fingerprint protected). I'm surprised he used an email address I know. I handled the confrontation pretty badly, and when I mentioned the site, he just smirked & rolled his eyes, and is now not talking to me, due to my 'paranoia'.

OldLady that is interesting, but still - he is interacting with other women, and I still feel queasy about it.

NamesKerry Tue 18-Sep-12 21:18:36

I recently found a text saying "thank you for your payment, your account is now 9.50 in credit" from something called 'Dreamray'.

Sick to my stomach. I thought we were passed all this sad

How can someone who claims to love you do this?

Good luck Op. I really feel for you x

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Sep-12 21:18:43

Understandable.

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:20:02

shock at fingerprint protected!

He can hardly roll his eyes when he has an account! Maybe he used it prior to you two, hopefully. Guess there isn't much you can do now, although he's being very pa x

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 21:20:30

Wow! How many men go on this site? I'd never even heard of it before. I'd heard of fuckbook, shagbook, extramarital affair & such sites, but never this. Why do these men do this?

Hope you're OK OP?

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:21:33

Because they can.

Tempernillo Tue 18-Sep-12 21:21:34

I haven't read all thread but I'm sorry to say from your op that I suspect he has been having sex with these women and I am even more worried about the "bareback" request. If your dp has been having unprotected sex with prostitutes you really need to get yourself tested and please do not have unprotected sex with your dp until you have proof you are both safe.

I am so sorry this has happened op, it must be awful for you. sad

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 21:22:10

chips I have thought that, but even then, using women for this sort of thing? I think it explains the two coffee cups on holiday, and the photos I found of him. Everyone on here was right, I kept putting my head in the sand.

NamesKerry Tue 18-Sep-12 21:22:41

'Streamray' sorry, not 'Dreamray'

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:22:46

What a disgusting human being. Bareback while ttc. Ugh.

chipsandmushypeas Tue 18-Sep-12 21:24:07

Sorry, I haven't read your prior thread, Tamisara but I'm sorry you're going through this. You will be ready to face it one day x

littlebluechair Tue 18-Sep-12 21:29:36

Whoever posted 'liar liar liar' upthread was spot on IMO, no way is he just sending emails.

You are sooooo lucky to not have children with this person - do not put a house ahead of your potential future happiness.

You leave him, you sell the house, take what you can out of it, you move on, meet someone decent in time.

You stay? Lies all the way.

Aspiemum2 Tue 18-Sep-12 21:41:57

Oh dear lord sad big hugs to you Hun, what a horrible thing to have discovered.

You will never trust him again but one day you will thank him. You will thank him because you left him and, with time, met someone who deserved you. And that will be the man you have a happy family with.

I know someone who got cheated on, he was on his stag do and came home and dumped her for this other woman!

She picked herself up eventually and married a man far better suited. He is also far richer but that's besides the point! They have 2 kids a huge house and awesome holidays. But most importantly he makes her happy and respects her.

I am telling you this because you need to leave, don't have kids with this man - he will not make a good father.

You are worth more and you deserve better xx

carmenelectra Tue 18-Sep-12 21:59:56

op, I would be amazed if there is innocent explanation for this. This is a site men browse for prostitutes, some might go for wecamming, but this is still cheating! Ok, you can browse galleries but that is only to get more pictures before making a booking. There is no way he has been a member for 6 yrs just chatting. Surely he would have been banned or marked as a tinewaster. If he wanted to chat, there are sites just for this, with women who are not escorts!

Do your homework, have a good look at the site and punternet, where men like this rate the women and chat to each other about hide the evidence from the missus. I wouldn't normally recommened viewing this ats hard to stomach and imagine these are someones husband, but I think you need to be armed with knowledge. Don't let him convince you its nothing.

The same with the other women who have discovered their dh's are member or viewing this- I really feel for you. I would much rather know what was happening than have a man like that make a massive fool of me.

Eitheror post was spot on.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Sep-12 22:07:01

eitheror no flaming from me either, and thanks for your input x

Charbon Tue 18-Sep-12 22:24:37

There have been a few threads referencing the Adultwork site, the main purpose of which is to sell sex with prostituted women. Click on Advanced Search and ask for messages containing the phrase 'Adultwork' for more information.

For the OP and others who've just had a lightbulb come on, always remember that an innocent person will bend over backwards to disprove an allegation. But if someone thinks that if his partner has no proof, she will stay with him anyway, then any feelings he has for you will turn to contempt because he thinks you are too stupid or too dependent to end the relationship.

A man who buys sex is a misogynist and a man who seeks unprotected sex has absolutely no regard for either woman's health, or that of any unborn babies he might have conceived.

I support the informative posts from eitheror and although I have enormous sympathy for any woman on this thread who has had a devastating realisation, I'm grateful that this thread has exploded an especially dangerous myth about prostitution, which is that all prostituted women in the UK practise safer sex.

They do not.

Lots of punters are willing to pay more for 'bareback' sex and this is a worsening problem amongst all the others in the sex industry.

Heleninahandcart Tue 18-Sep-12 23:56:43

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Sorry also for all the others whose partners have been involved.

He actions are those of a guilty man. He has cleverly deflected your focus away from the fact that he has been messaging prostitutes and made out it is a minor misdemeanour. Then he refused to show you his emails and blamed you for being 'paranoid'. This, from a man who has been caught red handed. He is entitled and contemptuous, you deserve so much more OP.

I have just checked Punternet, I'm shocked at how many prostitute sites have innocent sounding names like Directors Club or Head Office. It is all so easily accessible, hidden in plain vulgar site.

Tamisara Tue 18-Sep-12 23:58:38

My 'D'H has now admitted to joining the site. It took a long time, with him getting angry with me, for not trusting him. Then he revealed that he wanted to find a prositute, because he was "interested" in her. She was a former X Factor contestant - how realistic is that?

Charbon Wed 19-Sep-12 00:48:13

Not realistic at all.

What he probably won't admit to is having already paid for sex. Sorry.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 01:07:14

Yeah, I know. He refused to show me his profile... his reasoning is why sign into something he's not interested in, just to satisfy my "mad thoughts"? He even started crying when I kept asking to see the profile, telling me he wants a normal wife, and then pushed me down.

Charbon Wed 19-Sep-12 01:09:06

The he's lying, love. But I expect you know that don't you?

It's especially cruel that he's depicting you as mad and abnormal.

What do you mean he pushed you down?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 19-Sep-12 01:14:00

He's a bastard, Tamisara, but there was an X Factor (or similar) contestant who was "outed" as an advertiser on AW. She traded on that very fact for ages after, but it was a few years ago. <vague>

Some other similar contestant had her granny outed as advertising on AW.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 01:19:09

He pushed me down onto the sofa, because I was making him so angry by asking him to show me his profile, and my arm hit the edge, and was cut.

Old yes, that is the one he was talking about, I still can't see why he needed to join to see her though. It just seems so sleazy. He actually said he was interested in her, and wanted to see all her photos, as innocent as that may sound, and as normal as that may be for a man, it still makes me feel sick. I still don't get why he couldn't show me his profile though, instead of making out I should just trust him?

Charbon Wed 19-Sep-12 01:25:37

Then you need to get the hell away from a man who is violent, abusive and hates women.

That really is your only course of action, especially now that I've read your other threads about this brute.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 19-Sep-12 06:23:42

Tamisara - you know very well why he is refusing to show you his profile sad Because it will reveal that he has been paying for sex. You deserve far better than this vile disgusting and violent cheater.

This thread's hideous - I've just spent six hours searching after popping an innocent Adultwork into my browser- it came up with DfuckingH's email & then I found much, much, more.

I ended up doing a system reset & a cache search.

I didn't find anything that pleased me.

I now have to stay up because sleep is behind me, get the DCs up, (we're moving Friday).

I knew something was up.

I had a little emotional affair last year because he was so distant - he was so far - I had two MCs & no sex & he wasn't there.

I told him about it & he made me pay & feel so fucking bad.

& All the time - all the fucking time - he's been seeing escorts.

I now find out he's been seeing escorts for two years (at least - the whole system was reset in 2010).

Wanker

ErikNorseman Wed 19-Sep-12 06:43:53

Lastnight sad I'm so sorry
I've experienced the body blow of finding out you have been cheated on - I can't imagine how it must feel to find out you have been cheated on with sex workers. What a vile pig.
Tamisara I'm sorry your h is also a vile pig. You know why he won't let you see the profile don't you? There is nothing innocent about it. He's full of rage that you dare disbelieve his lies and he is trying to make you feel in the wrong for looking for the truth. Bastard.

Ey up Mr

Do you know I felt something strange in my waters, just had a little, shall we call it, feminie intuition, that all was not as it seems.

Anyhoo, after a quick system reset & some lovely cache searching, I've pretty much got to the bottom of the matter (pun intended) (don't bother clearing out your laptop - I've got all I need).

& can I just say you have large, nay momentous cheek, to be up in arms about the - peccadillo - your little spells of waywardness pre-date all that crap.

& let's be honest (because ultimately I like honesty, I may wriggle, but I always 'fess up) - I wasn't looking for a home visit & I was quite open (in a way a laid myself bare to you) about my feelings to do with open relationships & a bit of extra-marital & you made me feel quite fucking bad about it.

Looks like we can't all have that level of honesty with other people though.

Which is a shame.

I thought we could.

Anyway, not to worry, I've popped myself on one of your sites (with photos), so no doubt I'll be getting a lot of interest soon, maybe you'll find me there.

& you know, I love you very much & I suspect you love me very much which makes this all the more confounding - I always thought we could talk, about everything.

But I guess not.

So there it is - you know, I trusted you & never, EVER thought to snoop, because why would I? You paint yourself to be a man that wouldn't do that & I'm just me, just me as you often say & you can't change that.

But as I sit here now with my cup of tea & kitkat I actually feel like a morally better person that you.

So well done you for making me feel shit whilst habouring your little secrets.

I hope it made you happy & as if you'd won.

There's no winners ultimately, just people, and we're all as we are & I think everyone, EVERYONE has their secrets & desires, just that some of are more honest about them with the ones we love & some like to judge whilst nursing their own to their breast.

Fuck it.

I'm off to get some hot lesbo sex.

I love you & am dissapointed in you, not for what you've done but for your dishonesty in yourself.

Wife x

PS Nice touch to look for a bit of sex within an hour of me taking the children away on holiday - classy.

Is what I sent to him.

ErikNorseman Wed 19-Sep-12 06:48:18

Do you feel better?
What are you planning to do?
Have you taken screenshots of everything and sent them to a hidden email address?

I really hate him, I never thought.

I do feel better.

I don't know.

I hate him

Really.

& I have, I have.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 19-Sep-12 06:53:57

sad jeez - not another one.

Last -you must be in terrible shock. Please get yourself checked for STIs etc.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 19-Sep-12 06:55:53

I would suggest you ask for space and time to process your thoughts and emotions - this means asking him to leave for a while.

He's not here at the mo'

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 19-Sep-12 07:00:13

I am absolutely shock at this. OP, Tamisara & LastNight; I am so sorry. I have no words for you but could just read & run.

LastNight I applaud you for doing what a lot of women probably wouldn't.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 07:04:26

tamisara I'm so sorry. You do need to get away from him, his defensiveness to the point of violence speaks volumes. You sound like a lovely, smart woman who deserves a lot better. What's your situation? Do you have family/friends you can stay with for a bit to clear your head?

Last I'm so sorry too, love. What a shitty thing to find. Sorry about your mcs too.

I don't think the op is coming back but I hope she's ok. This is all so vile. sad

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 07:19:44

Dear God shock sad

Tami...your H is a violent and sexual abuser of women. Please leave him.

Last...well done. Please leave him.

Bloody hell what a can of worms.

Ladies take care, you all deserve better.

OP you ok?

FannyFifer Wed 19-Sep-12 07:31:02

God almighty ladies, I had never heard of this site till now.
I'm really sorry, this really is awful. sad

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 19-Sep-12 08:13:06

Adding my sympathy. Tamisara, do you have somewhere safe you can go?

willyouletmenamechange Wed 19-Sep-12 08:13:26

OP, and all the other posters who have found their OHs on this site i'm so sorry.

I just went to have a snoop. Got half way through putting DHs email addresss into the 'forgotten password and nickname' prompt.

BUT can someone tell me - if i do put his email in and he hasnt got an account will it send him something anyway??

I don't want him finding something from this rotton site in his emails because of me!!

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 08:15:18

I was thinking that will. I think it would say there is no account with that name, but the site looks pretty amateur so it might not!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 19-Sep-12 08:15:25

I think it normally just says email not found on that kind of thing. You could do a test one with your own email address?

willyouletmenamechange Wed 19-Sep-12 08:23:45

Thank you doctrine i didnt' think of that! <new to snooping>

chip - i think it will too. I'll try now.

willyouletmenamechange Wed 19-Sep-12 08:25:10

Yes - it said no password with that email detected.

Now i'll try his.

willyouletmenamechange Wed 19-Sep-12 08:31:33

All clear here. With the emails i know of at least.

Anyway - name changing back now.

But if anyone wants to check the site thats's how it works. Nothing will get sent if the address isn't registered.

So sorry again to those going through this. How bloody depressing all this is sad

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 08:32:20

Will, do you have a reason to snoop?

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 08:38:49

Can't be bothered to name-change back to will - it's me.

No AF - just read the thread and felt so bad for the ladies here who have checked and found their OHs on there. Then thought, God what if ... sad

Just that.

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 08:43:26

I think it would say there is no account with that name, but the site looks pretty amateur so it might not!

Don't kid yourself on that the site is amateurish. It is far from that. It is set up in such a way that Service Providers cannot find a Service Seekers name so that the Service Providers cannot make contact with the Service Seekers in order to preserve their anonymity and allow them to use the site for longer.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 08:45:46

Thank goodness fluffy

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 08:45:55

I should have said. Service Providers can only contact Service Seekers after they have contacted them by email, but the rest of my post stands. If a SS has not emailed a SP then she cannot find him in a search or contact him.

Am I the only one imagining hundreds of suspicious MN-ers checking their DH/DP's emails? sad

Jayzus, this thread.

I'm so sorry, all of you going through this.

Your partners are twunts. I know it's not simple to leave but I hope you can all start putting things in motion. You can always start a new thread to get advice on the logistics, lots of people will help.

OP you've given up a lot to be with this man. It will take a while, but you can get all that back. You say if you were still in your old environment you would leave -- hang on to that thought.

And do ring your best friend! 36 weeks is seriously grumpy time, distraction will help. And she will be gutted to find out later you didn't tell her.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 08:53:54

No, you're not alone bossy. I think this thread is a good thing though. There must be so many women (and unborn babies) whose health is at risk due to these sites, any awareness is a good thing.

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 08:59:14

Am I the only one imagining hundreds of suspicious MN-ers checking their DH/DP's emails?

What you have to remember is that, like someone said previously, these guys will probably have opened an 'extra' email account that you know absolutely nothing about. Many will also have a 'punting' phone which is only turned on when they are out of earshot and have made a booking.

Sorry to have to point these things out but you must be aware of every eventuality. You may be suspicious, but you may find nothing because the twat is two steps ahead. sad

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 09:04:52

You're right anothermum. I was thinking the same thing when i checked. (feel awful for checking. But i just got the urge)

The anonymity of the internet has changed our lives forever. Not always in a good way huh?

CanIOfferYouAPombear Wed 19-Sep-12 09:06:25

I just did the same fluffy. No real reason to think he would be on there, just the paranoid side of me coming out.
Thank god nothing came back!

OP, where are you? Have you spoken any more? I personally couldn't stay with someone who was even messaging for a laugh, but I don't think that's what he's been doing.

Come back and let us know you're ok if you can x

Chips you are so right, apart from the ethical and emotional side of these betrayals it is so wrong these men are risking their partners health and possibly that of their inborn children.

Another Yes deviousness becomes second nature in these cases I would imagine.

I am not in that position not having a partner but I am so sad and angry for these good people that are.

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 09:13:52

Now we all know that not all men are clever so there will be the exception to the rule re being two steps ahead.

I think everyone knows that a guy who 'wears' his mobile and wont be parted from it is a very suspicious sign.

Another is if your pc/lappy history is being deleted regularly - even if there is a couple of names added to throw you off the site. If you can, set your pc NOT to delete history and that may help.

Another sign that would make me suspicious is a 'password controlled' account. If there is nothing to hide why would you need to password control it. Some may use the excuse of the 'children' being online, but that is still not a reason ......... it is an excuse.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 09:34:48

will no, if he hasn't registered, then it will just give tell you that the email you enetered isn't valid. I tried mine first, as I know some sites (match.com for instance), where if you put in an email, it doesn't tell you if the address is registered, it just sends it if it does, so that site would be great for cheating hubbies, as there is no trail. But Adultwork will only send a password reminder if your DH has an account.

Fae Wed 19-Sep-12 09:42:31

This is all so sad, now I'm suspicious and my partner doesn't even have a laptop!

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 09:47:06

With all the new fangled mobiles and the services they give, ie internet as well as texts and calls there is now, a laptop is not required. New technology is making it so much easier for anyone to cheat.

Chubfuddler Wed 19-Sep-12 10:06:01

It's awful isn't it. My dad was an inveterate shagger, and he had to put in the legwork to actually get to know women. My mum said recently if they were still married all the technology we have now would provide him with so many opportunities she'd have a nervous breakdown trying to get to the bottom of him.

And actually that was another thing she said about him, it's true of all men like him "you can get to thd bottom of a thief, but you can never get to the bottom of a liar".

Spice17 Wed 19-Sep-12 10:06:26

Bloody hell. I trust DH but even I'm thinking of checking now but at 8 and a half months pregnant, just cannot face it.

DH is lovely and trustworthy btw and I have no reason to suspect but all you poor ladies probably felt the same - what a terrible, earth shattering shock, no way back from that is there really?

What vile, disgusting bastards.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Sep-12 10:17:24

That's the problem I think. Stories like this break people's trust in each other.
FWIW, cheaters cheat. They don't need sites, phones, or anything like that. Just motive and opportunity.

I cheated on XW. I later left her.
I've never cheated on DW, despite loads of opportunity. No motive.

Incidentally, some people's motive may just be they are a slimeball, or want thrills. It's definitely not saying that the cheatee is to blame. I should have just left; but I was scared, and had forgotten what happy was like.

What I fear is that once you start down the path, "Is DP a cheater?" and fail to find evidence, that may not reassure you and suspicions will remain... and that can change your relationship for good. Even if DP is pure as driven snow...

PostBellumBugsy Wed 19-Sep-12 10:21:04

No, you can't break trust with a story about someone else. Trust is broken either because someone proves themself untrustworthy, or because the other person has trust issues.
If trust has been earned & is respected on both sides, a story like this won't break that. It might cast a seed of doubt for a brief moment - but it won't break the trust.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 10:50:29

onemorechap said:

"What I fear is that once you start down the path, "Is DP a cheater?" and fail to find evidence, that may not reassure you and suspicions will remain... and that can change your relationship for good. Even if DP is pure as driven snow... "

See, that's exactly what my husband asserts, in fact he was most offended that I thought so little of him, that I put his name in the site. The fact is though - he was on it. So blind trust is just that - blind. And without at least a white stick to guide the way - or even better a guide dog of intuition - then you risk falling into great chasms. I never expected to find DH on there, I'd never even heard of the damned site, and if he hadn't registered, then he would be none the wiser that I looked, and I'd be carrying on as normal. But he has now totally destroyed all trust - my snooping didn't. His assertion that "all red-blooded men" see a prostitiute that "interests" them, and then want to find out all about them, which means registering on such a site, is the biggest load of bollocks ever uttered!

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 10:50:52

Exactly, exactly Spice. It was the fact that posters on this thread had revealed they had just gone to have a peep at this site and their OHs were there shock sad that prompted me to look earlier. Awful.

I do have trust issues. I know i have. My DH also has trust issues and he knows about mine.

DH and i had a conversation one evening (after i'd been MNing) started by me saying that, given that i know what it's like to be a bit inclined to jealousy and insecurity, i actually wouldn't mind if i found out he'd 'snooped' or checked up on me. I'd want to talk about it with him - but i wouldn't be mad at him.

I asked him how he'd feel if the situation were reversed. Supposing i was feeling suspicious about something and wanted to check? (i'm talking once or twice maybe in the whole relationship, not every week or something)

His initial reaction was that he'd be furious. I asked why? Especially as we're both freely prepared to admit we're suspicious buggers! The suspicion is bourne out of a fear of getting hurt. He mulled it over and in the end said yeah, there's no reason to be angry if someone wants to check your phone or whatever if they're genuinely worried.

God knows what this has to do with anything quite - i just thought i'd tell it as we're talking about trust. I never have suspected my DH of cheating BTW. The only bit of snooping i've ever done was earlier today, here.

I do hope the OP and others are OK. Well, they're not going to be ok, i know. But i'm wishing them well.

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 10:52:38

Xposts tamisara. ((hug))

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Sep-12 11:23:10

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 10:50:29
His assertion that "all red-blooded men" see a prostitiute that "interests" them, and then want to find out all about them, which means registering on such a site, is the biggest load of bollocks ever uttered!

Completely agree. Sorry Tamisara my post wasn't aimed at you nor anyone else who has been unfortunate enough to come across - to be blunt - damning evidence, but more to Spice17 who said Bloody hell. I trust DH but even I'm thinking of checking now ...DH is lovely and trustworthy btw and I have no reason to suspect

If you check, and find nothing, and that assures you, that's brilliant. I know men who've ended up blinded by irrational jealousy about the supposed affairs of their partners, who've ended up breaking their relationships over it.

mcmooncup Wed 19-Sep-12 11:30:52

Sorry to hear this OP.

And I agree with everyone on here, he is a regular and rather reckless user of prostituted women. And lying out of his sad arse about being spruced.

I hope you don't decide to stay with him because his behaviour shows a total lack of respect for women. It is not your fault, you could not have done anything to 'fill this gap'. He is a misogynist, entitled, emotionally incontinent mass of cells, and no woman will ever change this because he at the very core of him doesn't see women as equal human beings - just 'things' to be bought, lied to, undeserving of kindness. Be glad you missed your bus, and found this out.

Leaving, I know, will be hard. But holy fuck it will be worth it.

ObscuredByClouds Wed 19-Sep-12 11:45:29

Good lord, ladies. I'm just so sorry for those of you on here who have discovered their OHs have used this vile website. I trust my husband 100% but I still felt compelled to check.

I really hope you are all as ok as you can be given these horrendous circumstances sad

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Sep-12 12:27:48

<Wince> Of course, you know that if you do check and don't find anything, all that actually means is you didn't find anything.

I can think of loads of ways to hide stuff if they wanted to. Look at PortableApps for example - they could just stick a USB key into your PC and you'd see virtually nothing, unless you had logging on your router. And even then they could VPN out... [no, not practical experience, just part of my area]
And, of course, using that they could get to a Webmail account which has no client on the PC...

So, if you check and find something, I'm really sorry. If you check and find nothing, you are back to trust. Has he (she) hidden something? Of course, now you don't know... either no, which is good - or yes, in which case they are a sneaky cheating bastard.

carmenelectra Wed 19-Sep-12 14:01:25

Onemorechap is right. Not finding something doesn't mean there isn't anything. It means the man is better at covering his tracks. The OP's dh sounds a bit dim.

Most of these married/attached men try and be much more clever. Dedicated 'punting' phones.secret SIM cards, hidden where no one would ever find. Password protected phones and computer, private browsing. Working away from home or travelling with their job. How would you ever guess?

Its hard to have faith in any man after reading the stuff on these sites. Some of the threads are actually dedicated to how to make sure the wife doesn't find out. Its stomach churning that these are someones husband and they go home after this to their unsuspecting wife.

NymphadoraTonks Wed 19-Sep-12 14:10:09

Not finding something doesn't mean there isn't anything. It means the man is better at covering his tracks.

OR

It could just mean that he doesn't use prostitutes. Just throwing that one out there.

I am so sorry to all of you who have found out that you are being cheated on though. My god, I can't even imagine. I'd have their balls.

ObscuredByClouds Wed 19-Sep-12 14:13:41

nymphadora I agree, not all men use prostitutes and therefore not discovering anything could simply mean the man you're with is a decent chap who doesn't do stuff like this.

carmenelectra Wed 19-Sep-12 14:44:48

Oh no I agree! Most men don't pay for sex. Most of us are with decent blokes. The areseoles that do this though are probably better at hiding it that the OP's husband.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Sep-12 14:51:19

I think that's the problem carmenelectra; if you get suspicious it can be a canker. Is your partner one of the decent ones? Are they just a sneaky bastard?

If you don't find out, do you need to keep "snooping"? [Incidentally, on a news report this morning I heard that a man's controlling behaviour - demanding to look at text messages phone etc was an example of domestic violence see www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19640257 ]

ObscuredByClouds Wed 19-Sep-12 14:58:49

onemorechap, one could drive oneself crazy if they go down the route of 'is mine a decent one'.

I think we just have to assume they are unless we are either alerted by gut instinct or some form of evidence. I don't believe it's healthy to beco e consumed by something if there is no reason to.

The same can be said for men wondering whether their wife is playing around.

OneMoreChap Wed 19-Sep-12 15:03:49

ObscuredByClouds sadly, you're right. One bloke I knew went cracked, believing his perfectly nice partner was shagging around on him. She wasn't. He broke the relationship.

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 19-Sep-12 15:14:30

Agreed ObscuredbyClouds

Onemorechap same thing happened to a close friend of mine. Her now ex-H became convinced she was having an affair, even accusing my DH and making threats towards him at one point. This was all completely untrue & was a massive factor in the end of their marriage.

WineGoggles Wed 19-Sep-12 15:28:17

SoUnsureNow, sorry to hear your story. My initial thoughts are...

1. If he has an account on Adult Work then check to see his feedback. He will only get that if he has paid for a service. On AW service providers can leave feedback for clients as well as the usual clients leaving them FB.

2. If he's mentioning bareback then that's enquiring whether the lady has sex without a condom. Some men (who are only after safer sex with a condom) will ask ladies if they do that to weed out the ones who are unsafe. Of course they only need to know that of they plan to book her.

3. There are plenty of men who get their jollies from going through the motions and pretending to consider booking a prostitute. They will contact ladies and ask lots of questions but never actually meet. Instead they will most likely be wanking whilst reading the replies to their emails. In the business they are known as "timewasters" and are a total PITA.

So, even if your DH hasn't actually had sex with another woman, he's a twat.

charlearose Wed 19-Sep-12 15:42:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlearose Wed 19-Sep-12 15:48:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 19-Sep-12 15:51:14

Re snooping - in reality infidelity does not happen in a vacuum.

Because infidelity is down to the cheater's character flaws i.e they made the choice to cheat instead of resolving their issues by talking, suggesting counselling etc.

These flaws will have shown themselves via displays of selfish behaviour, arrogance, sexist attitudes towards women and sense of entitlement ("I've earned it so why shouldn't I treat myself").

Some of the red flags one should look out for include distance, criticism/nit picking (to justify the cheating), laziness wrt household chores and habits of keeping secrets and lying.

These are what usually prompts the betrayed party to snoop.

Daisym0use Wed 19-Sep-12 15:51:23

Can you check bank statements to see if there are any unusual withdrawals? Gosh men are strange creatures, I hope there turns out to be a more palatable explanation to this for you.

charlearose Wed 19-Sep-12 15:53:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 15:53:52

for anyone considering pm'ing charlea but hesitating, I can confirm she has helped people with this before

giraffecrossing Wed 19-Sep-12 16:43:41

God, sorry to all you ladies!

I just wanted to point out to the OP (in case this hadn't already registered) that her H obviously checked his inbox as soon as she was out of the house. Hardly the actions of someone who is just breaking up the monotony of the working day. It's obviously on his mind when he wakes up, and he just has to wait for you to be out of the way.
You also say he works from home. Plenty of time to meet up during the day, then I would assume.
So sorry.
Do not be trapped there by financial circumstances. If you had a better paying job before, you have the potential to do that again. Good luck!

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 16:44:58

I'm sorry but the only reason people go in adult work is because they want sex. It's not a chat site sad

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 16:48:48

but everybody please remember that not everyone is all they seem, on the internet, as in real life sad

Okay so I confronted my OH about this last night and he admitted he does sometimes look at this site and others but that it's just to look at the pictures etc, he just sees it as a free porn site. I don't know what to think.

Chubfuddler Wed 19-Sep-12 17:00:37

Bloody hell is there an epidemic of this? I'd never heard of it before this thread.

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 17:02:17

I just wanted to point out to the OP (in case this hadn't already registered) that her H obviously checked his inbox as soon as she was out of the house. Hardly the actions of someone who is just breaking up the monotony of the working day. It's obviously on his mind when he wakes up, and he just has to wait for you to be out of the way.

I just wanted to second what giraffecrossing said above. This is not a 'mild interest' when bored, this is something that was done immediately the OP left their home. sad

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 17:04:20

PM, there are lots of sites that do free porn

this is not a porn site, it is to look for sex with sex-workers

your husband is a liar, and a skank

charlearose Wed 19-Sep-12 17:16:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:19:01

Like charlea said, no man would go on it as a 'free porn' site. I'm really sorry sad I know a few girls who have profiles on there, so if anyone in the northwest would like me to check with these girls I will do.

NymphadoraTonks Wed 19-Sep-12 17:20:04

purple

There are lots of free porn sites that have much 'better' porn to offer than this one. That's such a lie.

Mellower Wed 19-Sep-12 17:21:55

I think I might have to go look at this site. If Mcafee lets me.

Mellower Wed 19-Sep-12 17:23:45

Oh right! shock Wow I am naive!

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 17:26:57

Goldship - * I know a few girls who have profiles on there, so if anyone in the northwest would like me to check with these girls I will do.*

Why just the northwest, the site is worldwide and open to anyone looking on it. Unless someone is a service provider you cannot tell if they are a member or not. Adultwork has the system set up that service seekers cannot be 'found' unless they have emailed someone.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 19-Sep-12 17:28:00

Of course some men will use it as a free porn site. With the added frisson of knowing, that if he wanted to, he could actually have her , not an option with most porn stars.

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:28:29

anothermum confused men are much more likely to get in touch with women who live in the area. As the working women I know are from the northwest, it makes sense that men living in the northwest would visit them. That's why I offered

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:28:52

Not quite sure what your point is

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 19-Sep-12 17:33:28

OK, I've now had a very brief look at the site and IMHO if anyone's OH is saying "it's just another free porn site" they are either stupid or think you are. There is a multitude of far, far more graphic free porn sites out there and many of them have iphone/ipad/android sites too. Photo galleries are one thing, but I can't imagine the photos are going to be any more than suggestive (forgive me if I am wrong about that, as I said I only had a very brief look) and would suspect that any webcam time would be chargeable?

If I found my DH was using that sort of site it would be a deal breaker for me. While I dislike the morals behind a lot (OK most) porn, I appreciate that others may view porn differently and therefore don't have a problem with it; different strokes for different folks and all that, if you'll pardon the pun. However if I found him on a site like Adultwork in any context I would be gone. There is a massive difference between watching porn to break up the monotony of your day and trying to contact sex workers the minute your DW has left the house.

nameskerry The text on your husbands phone from Streamray. A quick Google brings up live porn, webcams etc. So, so sorry. sad

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 17:33:45

I just wondered why the northwest as the site is worldwide and the chances of someones husband/partner emailing one in that particular area is rather slim. That was all.

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:37:07

confused

The website is for meeting up with prostitutes, so of course they are going to email one in a relatively short distance away from themselves.

So I was saying if any of the worried women in the north west are suspicious, I would ask the northwestern girls I know.

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:37:26

I mean meeting up with / advertising

Mellower Wed 19-Sep-12 17:40:28

It's like a Sex Ebay site!! How bizarre Mr Macafee will not let me look at "locals"!

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 17:44:19

The girl my husband was "interested" in, was called Chloe (from the X Factor). I guess his explanation was plausible, if she is on there? I still find it sickening though, and he is still not talking to me until I apologise.

GoldShip Wed 19-Sep-12 17:46:57

Why the bloody hell should you have to apologise???

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 17:50:36

Tamisara, your husband is in the wrong

his explanation is plausible if you are willing to overlook the fact he is a skank, a meter-out of domestic violence and an emotional headfuck

please do not apologise to him

speak to friends/family in RL, and make plans to get away from him

your self esteem and respect for your own thoughts and feelings is being eroded by this man

if you swallow this, he will carry on pushing and pushing the boundaries

I fear for you

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 17:52:18

Tami...don't talk to him, talk to your family

let him carry on talking to his friends on sexwork sites, see if that keeps him warm at night, the stupid fuck

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 19-Sep-12 17:52:21

Oh, yes, Chloe Mafia. Yes, she was on there, even as she denied it in the tabloids, it was a most odd thing. No idea if she's still there or not.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 17:57:16

But why would he register to see if she's on there, do you need to register to search for someone?

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 17:58:22

Tami, does this woman he is "interested" in live relatively locally to you ?

garlicnutty Wed 19-Sep-12 18:07:19

I got what you meant, Gold, and thought it was nice of you to offer.

Fluffy - The suspicion is borne out of a fear of getting hurt. He mulled it over and in the end said yeah, there's no reason to be angry if someone wants to check your phone or whatever if they're genuinely worried.

This. Exactly.

If the first and second reaction of a snoopee is rage at their privacy being invaded, their honesty being questioned, etc, you need to wonder why it's all about them. Mine, like so many others, managed to turn my insecurity into an insult against him rather than the concern it would be to an honest partner ... Decent people don't use your anxiety against you.

crabbyoldbat Wed 19-Sep-12 18:08:39

nameskerry The text on your husbands phone from Streamray. A quick Google also points out that this is a computer games company, too - not a bad thing

TheCalmingManatee Wed 19-Sep-12 18:15:26

My flabber is ghasted - am i to understand that people have read this thread, then checked the site to see if their husband had used it?????? and more incredulously, actually found that some of them have??? I have never been speechless before, but shockshock Fuck

Offred Wed 19-Sep-12 18:17:13

I never knew that site existed but it makes me want to cry. sad

So sorry for all the women and girls on it and all those who have discovered their h's have been using it. sad

Fae Wed 19-Sep-12 18:28:30

It is pretty tragic

garlicnutty Wed 19-Sep-12 19:08:55

YY ... I'm simultaneously shocked and distressed for the thread readers who've found they share OP's problem; relieved they have done so sooner rather than later, and in a female-friendly environment; impressed by Mumsnet's incredible powers of revelation and peer support; massively pissed off at all these sexist, duplicitous shits so lacking respect for the women they supposedly love.

Thinking of you all sad

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 19:31:18

AF I don't think she does live locally, at least I don't think. Even if it was the genuine reason for being on there, it still makes me feel sick. How the fuck would he feel, if our DD1 had pervy, middle-aged men, looking at her bits, just because they are "red-blooded"? And disrespectful to me, to actually say that he was "interested & intrigued by her, wanted to find out all about her".

I don't think you do have to register just to look, but he admitted that he joined to view her gallery, and (I'm guessing) he paid to do so.

What I've never said on here is, when I was young I was very 'busty', incredibly so. Lots of my dad's friends would try to 'cop a feel'. I've always felt that middle-aged men were disgusting, and DH seemed to agree with the 'perv' element. How the feck could I trust him around DD1's teenage friends?

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 19:36:29

Tami, this is what we are saying to you, love

Your husband has no respect for women

Does he have daughters ? Sisters ? Neices ? Imagine his mother being ogled at by men with their cock in their hand ?

nasty

NASTY MAN, NASTY PASTIME.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 19:38:57

AF his mum is apparently "mad" - I've never met her. He doesn't see his sister either.

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 19:39:28

tamisara your trust in your DH has been destroyed. By him. You don't need to justify walking ... to him, us or anyone else.

Draw a line under this and make plans for yourself and DD. Don't apologise to him whatever you do sad

Have you friends and family you can go to to get away from his sulking right now?

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 19:39:35

AF we have one 2yr old DD1, our second was stillborn last year.

Tamisara Wed 19-Sep-12 19:40:44

I've just been at a neighbour's house. I felt a bit of an idiot, but it has cleared my mind a lot, and she has offered DD1 & me to go there anytime smile

fluffyraggies Wed 19-Sep-12 19:43:39

Sorry for your loss Tamisara. And now you've got this on your plate. You poor thing.

Well done for going to your neighbours. Don't feel an idiot.

UnbridledPositivity Wed 19-Sep-12 19:45:49

A question to those who have worked through Adultwork: do some 'service providers' also give feedback for webcam session? Or does feedback always mean he's actually shagged someone? My exH had hundreds of webcam sessions on his log, but only 2 feedback comments. What does this mean? (He is ex because of this website.)

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 19:49:51

Feedback on Adultwork tells you what the feedback is for. There is escorting, webcamming, phonechatting. All have seperate feedback.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 19-Sep-12 19:56:38

Unbridled, I don't know, but as the purpose of feedback is to help those who actually meet clients feel safe, so why would a cammer give it?

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 20:05:28

Feedback on adultwork, as on many sites, is to let other users know that the person offering the services is legitimate.

It may also let people know if the service provider is who they say they are. There are many different 'types' listed as providers on adultwork, one being undercover police trying to cut down on trafficking and scammers, also girls working together in the same place, as this consititutes a brothel and unlike like prostitution is illegal.

Many things are not always as they seem.

carmenelectra Wed 19-Sep-12 20:15:59

tamisara

I rememeber that chloe mafia off xfactor. Do believe that she was a prostitute on adultwork but I think she removed her profile after she was outed.

If I remember rightly she was only about 19. How old is your dh? My dp and I discussed her after she was on the show and the fact she appparently did gangbangs also(nice). We were both shocked by her.she was a bit of a state. I'd be motified if I found he had been on that site searching for a teenage girl. Not that I believe your dh's story.

I reaally feel for you. I honestly,truly do not think there could be a worse betrayal.

eitheror Wed 19-Sep-12 20:19:49

Yes, men can get feedback for webcam sessions. It's usually just to say "Thanks" or "A lot of fun." For a service provider getting as much feedback as possible bumps her up the popularity scale and gives her a good rep, so every little helps, so to speak. It's also largely a reciprocal thing so if someone gives you good FB you give the same back.

Also a lot of the providers offer interactive shows, it's not always just an anonymous guy watching a performance, it can be either a group (several men watching) or private show and the men messenger specific requests in real time. Feedback might mention something about how sexy or horny a guy was and I guess that's an ego feed for them.

As for the "it's just free porn" explanation: possibly true, but most women on there are escorts or webcam girls, and the photos they put up are generally just 'teasers' to induce men to pay for cam sessions or make escort bookings. Even the service providers with multiple/extensive photo galleries are usually offering these as a sideline to their main service (webcam or escort).

Once someone has deleted their profile it is hard to track them down on AW, I'm not even sure how you'd do it. Even if they have left feedback for an escort booking, once they have removed themselves from the site their name will no longer be displayed and instead it will say "Member not active" (or "Member no longer active", I can't remember which). That's why I'd encourage anyone who has reason to snoop to do so in advance of telling their H their suspicions.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Sep-12 20:28:13

Tami, I am really sorry your baby died x

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 20:30:23

If a guy has sent/received feedback it is possible to check out things through google. This is the reason many guys are loathe to make bookings through the site and leave a paper trail.

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 19-Sep-12 20:31:00

Meant to say - user name will stay in google even after guy has deleted profile.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 19-Sep-12 20:47:29

Yes, men can get feedback for webcam sessions. It's usually just to say "Thanks" or "A lot of fun." For a service provider getting as much feedback as possible bumps her up the popularity scale and gives her a good rep, so every little helps, so to speak

Jesus. How depressing. Why???

charlearose Wed 19-Sep-12 21:33:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicnutty Wed 19-Sep-12 21:36:33

user name will stay in google even after guy has deleted profile

Here's how to do a site-specific Google search. Replace the username with the one you wish to search.
Type into the Google search box:-

site:adultwork.com "legend111"

(Replacing legend111 with 'your' username. He's just a user I picked out at random.)

This will only get results for comments left by the user. If you've got a login, use it on the site.

I wish I could do something useful or helpful for those of you having to deal with this. I'm so sorry.

By coincidence, this long-ish article was posted yesterday, I think it's a very interesting and depressing expose of the 'cam girl' industry:

gizmodo.com/5941976/indentured-servitude-money-laundering-and-piles-of-money-the-crazy-secrets-of-internet-cam-girls-nsfw

Some of you might have partners saying 'it's only web camming, it's not cheating'. Well, read this article, and see how sleazy and criminal this world is. What kind of man participates in this?

MummysHappyPills Thu 20-Sep-12 10:11:53

Dreaming that article is very chilling. Poor girls. How depressing. sad

Tamisara Thu 20-Sep-12 10:36:47

I do hope the OP is OK. As bad as she feels, I do hope she draws a little comfort, that she is not going through this alone, and deserves thanks for drawing our attention to something, which would not have been discovered otherwise.

I'm beginning to think all men are sick.

DH has told my parents that he wants me to apologise to him. I have apparently abused him, when he was innocently looking at something... poor lamb. What a big, nasty, mean wife that I am. That I didn't laugh off this discovery, that I don't understand that "men, will be men".

I'm thoroughly devastated though. I'm sitting here still shaking, still with tears in my eyes, struggling to understand why he cannot see that I'm hurting... I admit I haven't handled any conversations well - I am so mad! What he doesn't get, is I'm not mad in a teacherish way - when a pupil has misbehaved, I feel shit! I feel unattractive, unwanted, old, boring, unloveable, undesirable. I've lost 4 stone since April, in an attempt to rekindle his desire, now I feel I must have been kidding myself, that anyone could want me... really why would they? I am a 42yr old. What have I got? Why would he want me?

GoldShip Thu 20-Sep-12 10:41:05

tamisara don't you dare start questioning your worth!!! You seem like an intelligent, lovely, well rounded women and any man would be bloody lucky to have you. DO NOT let your tosser of a husband make you feel like this. This is what they do when they're guilty, they turn it around. It's a bloody twats trick but it's what they do. I speak from experience.

I'm not saying divorce him, but think about what he is doing to you xxxxx

eitheror Thu 20-Sep-12 11:29:51

Tami I don't get what your H expects you to apologise for? What is his explanation for feeling 'abused'? He was browsing a booking site for escorts, for heaven's sake. I'm sorry but his lack of awareness, contrition and consideration of you is frightening.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 20-Sep-12 11:37:38

Tami, you are approaching this the wrong way. You shouldn't have to be a certain weight or look a certain way for someone to love you. You should be loved for who you are, not how you look.
You DH is attempting to blame you, because it makes him feel better. Would you believe it, my DH (nearly 10 years on) blames me that we got divorced because he had an affair. There is NO logic to these arguments - so don't believe them. The "men will be men" argument is crap too & used by a certain type of man to justify their behaviour. I think you'll find that nice, decent men wouldn't feel that they have to surf prostitute pick up sites, just because "men have to be men". Real love should be accompanied by respect & consdiration. You have been shown neither & he is continuing to show you neither. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

Tami I hope your parents gave him short shrift??

Apologise?? Get stuffed you smutty little man.

Please don't feel YOU are in the wrong here, Tami

He is gaslighting you Tami whatever you do "for him" will never be enough as he like control....so start doing things "for you"

see if any of this rings a bell

His behaviour is abusive, Emotional Abuse.

OneMoreChap Thu 20-Sep-12 11:52:56

tamisara Sorry, I don't see what you have to apologise for.

He did something he shouldn't have done; he got caught. His actions, his consequences.

How you deal with it is your choice; if he doesn't like what you decide... he gets to choose to put up with it or leave, to be blunt.

chipsandmushypeas Thu 20-Sep-12 16:49:03

He's got some bloody cheek. You should just ignore him for a while. Maybe go on a weekend away alone or with friends and let him stew x

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 17:09:06

Tami, your husband is rotten to the core

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 20-Sep-12 17:12:56

Tami your husband is horrible.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 17:20:04

Please do not apologise to that vile man.

He is the one who should be bending over backwards grovelling and begging for your forgiveness hmm

Why are you with him? He sounds really horrible sad

Malificence Thu 20-Sep-12 17:42:29

Tami, for God's sake get this man out of your life, for your own health and emotional wellbeing and for your daughter, he will destroy you both if you dont. Please don't let this vile man have an influence over her life.
I've seen your other threads and I remember the one about the 2 cups in his holiday picture. sad
Think about whether you want family photos on your profile too.

Malificence Thu 20-Sep-12 17:44:30

Decent men are not like this and do not behave in this dispicable way - all men are not sick, but he is and so is OP's partner.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 17:48:15

Tami, your profile pics are heartbreaking

and all the more so because you should have a decent man by your side to help you and dd through your terrible loss together, and you have not sad

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 17:55:49

Ive been reading this thread for a while but havent posted cos i didnt know what to say.
Im sorry to hear what some of you ladies are going through. Your partners who are putting you through this are cunts. Nope even thats not a strong enough word.
Tami i hope your parents are being supportive of you. I mention this because i have parents who were brought up to believe that the man is always right.
That article is horrific. What is even more horrific is the fact that these webcam jobs are being advertised in JobCentres.
When faced with a choice between workfare for your benefits and this i dread to think what choice some young women will feel forced into making.

It's amazing that this thread has opened such a can of worms and that so many people (including myself) have found things out about their partner that they might otherwise have never realised. For my part, after having a long conversation with my OH, I DO believe that he has only been looking and hasn't messaged anyone or paid for anything and he showed me lots of other free sites he looks at in a bid to be open and honest with me.
It has been an eye opener for me though as I've got massive self confidence issues stemming from the fact that my OH has never been that interested in having sex with me. Imagine my shock then finding out that he spends his free time watching porn. I've been trying to convince myself over the years that it's just that he has problems but this begs the question whether it is just me that doesn't turn him on, which is what I've been worried about all along. Kind of taken the shine off the fact that we're supposed to be TTC soon sad

Charbon Thu 20-Sep-12 20:54:01

Having unprotected sex with a man who uses this site would be a shockingly bad idea, both for you and any unborn children, who have no choice in the matter.

Only men who think paying for sex is okay use this site. It would hold no interest at all for a man who thinks it's wrong.

Tami, are you the poster who found cock pictures on your husband's phone which he then claimed he had taken to send to you when you were in labour? I'm shocked you're still with that horrible man. Surely this is the last straw isn't it?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:00:40

Or his porn habit is responsible for the lack of sex?

I think it's more that he looks at porn because he can't actually manage dtd all that often?

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 21:14:44

PM, if he can't get it up he should seek help

Do you think a good person is content with making their partner think it is their fault that they have no interest in sex ?

Do you reckon that kind of person has any business being the father of your precious child ?

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 21:16:33

PM, you have this the wrong way round

you are seeing porn as the solution to his problem, when it is quite possibly the cause

where do you fit into this jigsaw ?

answer : nowhere

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:17:30

You mean he has problems performing? It is possible that he turned to porn as a way of getting it up (esp if the porn habit has become so entrenched). It is also possible that with wanking requiring a different technique (e.g a very firm hand is not the same as a vagina), he finds normal sex more difficult.

I think he should too, I've told him it makes me feel like he doesn't want me but he says I'm just being daft and it's just his age (he's only 32 ffs!). He's not very good at talking about it. It's the biggest problem in our relationship but he just doesn't seem to want to do anything about it and just shrugs it off when I try to talk about it.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:19:39

But remember that these are HIS issues for HIM to resolve. Sadly HE chose to use porn and escorts as a way of resolving these.

And then blaming you for the lack of sex hmm how very selfish and twatty.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:21:33

He does not want to invest time and energy in his marriage then? sad

He doesn't look at porn very often (I know because I'm always here) but I think he sees it as a way to try to get aroused? It doesn't help matters that because my confidence has been knocked by his seeming lack of interest I never dare start anything incase he rejects me which always leaves it to him to start something which he doesn't like to do in case he can't get it get it up. It's a bit of a vicious circle.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 21:25:48

what is "his age" ? What ridiculous excuse is that ?

his preference for porn over a living, loving, breathing partner ?

I wonder how he would feel if you were actively looking for an alternative sex life that didn't include him ?

(and I doubt that yours would take the form of unrealistic and objectifying sex acts between people who don't give a shit about each other)

No escorts, just porn. As he said, 'if I can't even manage to have sex with you half the time, why the hell would you think I'd want to do it with anyone else' and 'you know me, I don't like paying for ANYTHING'.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:28:49

Well if he does not want to do anything about it and is happy not to bother investing in the marriage and to waste FAMILY money on escorts, the only way to bring about change is to ask him to leave.

This may make him realise that you are serious about wanting to change things - however, personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thinks its ok to buy sex though.

I know, I know, it's shit, I just don't know what to do about it. We've been together two and a half years and it's always been a problem and it's going to get worse not better isn't it?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:30:41

As he said, 'if I can't even manage to have sex with you half the time, why the hell would you think I'd want to do it with anyone else'

But you have said he won't do anything to improve your sex life...

Mad, he swears he hasn't paid for sex, nor messaged any escorts etc he just looks at the pics cos he says they're more like 'real women' than some of the fake boob/glamour model types and only looks infrequently at that. He's now encouraging me to look at it with him because he doesn't want any secrets from me. What's a girl to think? If it's just porn it's not the end of the world in my opinion, I just wish he'd pay ME more attention instead.

When I sulk because we haven't done it for a while he does it but I feel like it's to placate me instead of because he wants to if that makes sense? So he does seem to be able to do it when necessary just never seemed to be as interested in it as most men. The fact that he clearly IS interested because he watches porn makes me wonder why he isn't more interested in me when I'm there and willing. It all makes me feel very sad.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 21:46:55

You've only been with him for 2.5 years ?

No kids ?

Get out, get out, get out

Stop the ttc

and get out

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 21:47:54

Don't you think that porn is the cause of his problem rather than solution? If not why?

There are many reasons why a man prefer to use porn than have sex with a real woman - has he given any reasons?

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 21:49:14

If he makes you feel like shit after 2.5 years, how will you feel after a couple of kids, wrecked by sleepless nights and breastfeeding and a husband that prefers to look at pictures of other women's fanjo's instead of diving with happy abandon into yours ?

Don't settle for this, PM

You will regret it bitterly

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 20-Sep-12 21:58:44

Agree with Any Fucker.

Hugs to all who feel in need of one. This thread makes me feel glad I'm single and want to stay single FOR EVER. wine

Charbon Thu 20-Sep-12 22:01:21

It's so profoundly sad and infuriating that in 2012, there are women who want to stay with men who pay for sex, don't want sex with them and who treat them with such contempt. This man is taking you for a fool Purple and the final insult was inviting you to look at this site with him. What sort of woman does he think you are that you would enjoy reading about misogynists who buy women? Doesn't that also tell you that he's going to continue using this site whether you join in or not?

The reason he's not interested in sex with you is because he only enjoys it with women he puts in the 'sex class'. If you're ever mad enough to have children with him once he 'placates' you when fertile, not only might you pass infections on to your child, but your sex life will dwindle to nothing. Men like this don't like sex with mothers.

holstenlips Thu 20-Sep-12 22:04:31

agree with AF and Holla . This thread has depressed the hell out of me. Feel for all the OPs on here .

I just don't know what to do sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 22:20:32

Why are you staying with him?

You don't have DC.

You're young.

Get out while you can.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:21:53

Purple im so sorry x i think ive read one of your threads before. That phrase about him not liking to pay for anything rings a bell. Is he tight with money too?
You dont have to put up with it Purple ANY of it.
Christ i didnt even know these sites like Adultwork existed till i saw it on here.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 22:23:24

PM, listen

You need to make a list of what you want in the medium term from your life

eg.

respectful partner
healthy sex with someone who fancies me
kids with someone who is a good father who respects women
to be with someone who makes me feel good about myself

Those "wants" are reasonable requirements in a relationship. Everybody has a right to them (and many more you could list, I am sure)

Will you get those things from this man?

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:24:14

Holla im sort of single. Im married to an asexual who doesnt like it at all.
But when i see threads like this i know that things could be worse. Sorry thats not meant to offend.

I have read this thread in complete shock. I don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been offered, but just wanted to offer huge unMN hugs to all the women who inadvertently found this soul destroying stuff about their DPs.

Otherwise I'm a bit speechless really.

Tamisara surely this is the proof that breaks the camels back?

Your husband has told your parents that you need to apologise?

In your situation, I would openly ask my parents, infront of my husband, whether they think I should apologise to my husband for finding out he has been investigating prostitution websites.

I'm sure I can pre-empt that answer.

Do you need to keep putting yourself through anymore hell with this?

I am so so sorry. X

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:25:37

Purple so there are no kids! Get out now ......please. You are worth much much more.

whethergirl Thu 20-Sep-12 22:26:44

I found out my dp (now ex!) was a member of Adultwork, he denied it meant anything, it's all a bit of fun etc.

Then I found a text on his phone to say "This is to confirm your appointment with Sandy from Adultwork on such and such date/time".

It was the day he had claimed he visited a friend. He said he had made the appointment but never intended to go. I challenged him and said I would call the friend there and then and ask her when he had last seen him, but because this friend (female) had recently been raped, he didn't want me calling and causing her any upset.

I also recalled trying to call him that same evening and not being able to get through, he said his battery had gone on his mobile.

I was still not convinced, so got in touch with the prostitute in question and begged her to speak to me. I was heavily pregnant at the time, I told her this was going to influence the life of a new born baby, and for the baby's sake could she please speak to me and tell me the truth.

She called me, very friendly and chatty. She went to check her records, and said he was a no-show. She told me that all men were peverts (well yes, all the men she's in contact with!) and a lot of blokes like the fantasy of seeing a prostitute but many never actually go through with it.

Did her see her or not? Probably. But who fucking cares anyway. It's all betrayal in some form or another.

As it turns out, there was loads of other stuff. I then also found out he had webcam sex with an old friend of his, amongst other stuff. There were always reasons, always excuses, always apologies and begging to stay. In the end I caught him out myself, I went on msn messenger pretending to be someone else, within minutes he made an arrangement to meet me in a hotel.

Next day I gave birth to our ds. I let it go on for far too long, even though I knew and should have followed my instincts from the start.

Neither did I Dark, this has all been such a shock to me, I had NO idea until I saw this thread and as soon as I saw the website name it just rang a bell and I knew I'd seen it on his computer. It has all just come so out of the blue just when things seemed to be going a bit better between us. I know everyone just starts the cry of 'leave the bastard' but really, it's not that easy is it?
And yes, he's a bit of a tightarse with everything which doesn't worry me now as we have separate finances but I have to say has preyed on my mind if we do have a child and I have to rely on him for money.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 22:30:12

PM, my blood runs cold for you

Please listen to us

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:31:26

I bet hes not a fucking tightarse when it comes to spending money on the whims of his fucking knob though? And if hes a tightwad i bet you are paying for everything and having to go without stuff for yourself not to mention the health risks. Please please BIN BIN BIN the fucker.

My Mother hates him and says I've completey changed since I met him and that the daughter she knew would never have put up with this shit (not THIS specific shit, no way have I told her this) and I'm starting wonder if she's right. Everyone keeps telling me I can do better but I've built a life with this man, I don't know what to do!

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:34:49

Purple you can build a life again. You can spend a bit of time being single and enjoying yourself. Then when you meet someone else you can build a life again only next time with someone who is worthy of you.

Dark, we have separate finances at the moment and I work full time so I have whatever I want as it's my money. To be fair to him, he talks about being tight but has never denied me anything financially and pays for more household stuff than me as it's his house and he earns more than me

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 20-Sep-12 22:37:25

Purplemonster you haven't built a life. You've spent a couple of years with him, out of a life that will hopefully be at least 80 years long. Don't waste the rest of it. If you bin him now, you won't even remember what he looks like in a few years' time.

Dark, I wish I had the strength I used to have. Before I met this man I had been single for about 5 years, was independent, strong, not even looking for a partner. Now I seem to have had all of the fight sucked out of me. I think I know in my heart of hearts that I should deserve better but almost don't believe that I will ever get it. I'm 30 and I desperately want a family and I feel like this is my only chance. This is obviously the worst side of him your hearing, for the most part we're very happy together, and that's hard to walk away from. Go on, slap me upside the head and tell me I'm stupid, I'll forgive you because I know you're probably right

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:41:44

Purple 30 is NOT old. You still have plenty of time to have children. Please dont have them with a man who has no respect for you.
Hes already said he is tight with money He is telling you who he is . Please listen x
What if you became SAHM and he was the earner. It doesnt bear thinking about.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Thu 20-Sep-12 22:44:50

And having kids brought up by a man like this. A son would end up thinking its ok to treat women like this. A daughter would grow up thinking that women being treated like this is normal and all she can expect.
Children are young yes but they arent stupid.
What they are though is incredibly good about picking up subliminal messages.

garlicnutty Thu 20-Sep-12 22:44:54

Well, you know what's sucked the life out of you, don't you Purple sad

For your self-confidence and joie de vivre, would Gok Wan recommend living with a man who can't be arsed to have sex with you but loves wanking off to other women and who lies about using an escort service? Hmm, thought not.

Just fucking leave. You'll get your mojo back in no time!

I feel like I've hijacked this thread a bit, for which I feel bad, I really hope the OP is ok as her situation sounded worse than mine. At least I know that, as much as we don't get on, I could drag my multitude of pets and posessions back to my Mum's mouldy spare room if I had to. Glum.
Dark, that is EXACTLY what I've been worried about, I've talked to him about it but again, he just told me not to be daft but I have to admit, the thought of someone else controlling my finances frightens me.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 22:59:12

PM, you have not "built a life" in 2.5 years

that is an excuse, and a poor one

How are you doing SoUnsureNow ? What's occurring? Purple monster, fgs just ditch him. I had a baby at 43. Live a little why don't you. There are things called parties, cocktails, holidays with girlfriends, pole-dancing classes, belly-dancing classes..a million fun things to get up to while earning money and not having this sort of a man fucking you up. Get a bloody life woman. angry

Op, where are you?

Triffiddealer Fri 21-Sep-12 00:03:46

Purple - I get that you feel 30 is old, I know I felt the same at that age. But it's really not. Lots and lots of my friends didn't meet their long-term partners/fathers of their children until they were mid 30s - some late 30s.

The most important thing is that you are happy. Can you remember what that used to feel like? You can have that again, you just need to ditch the loser.

OP - we all hope you are OK.

LostinaPaperCup Fri 21-Sep-12 02:08:42

Listen to your family Purple. And get rid of that man. He's doing you no good at all.

gettingeasier Fri 21-Sep-12 06:48:08

I too understand that you perceive yourself to have built a life with your partner but logically you havent

Many years ago I stayed with a man who treated me so badly , I was only in my mid twenties but we had a mortgage and I thought I was stuck - did get out though.

Now in my mid forties almost divorced and see myself as having a huge part of my life ahead of me so you must have at 30 !!!

Seriously dont brush this under the carpet to avoid the emotional upheaval of ending your relationship , this is your cue to leave.

I am with the shocked and saddened on this thread and cant imagine how anyone seeing that company name and remembering it on a computer at home must feel

chipsandmushypeas Fri 21-Sep-12 07:22:35

So, you are willing to stay with a man who BUYS women for sex, because are 30 and desperate for a family? sad

You could walk out today, meet a lovely man who respects you and other women next week!

It makes me so sad women stay with these dipshits because of this fucking biological clock the media and society has pressed upon women.

PurpleGeekyGirl Fri 21-Sep-12 07:26:15

I spent twenty years married to a twat who treated me diabolically and I put up with it because I didn't know how to get out and that every marriage had bad patches. I got divorced two years ago when he had an affair. Ironic much it took him shaggig someone else for it to end, and not ending up in hospital countless times... Anyway point being I hae met someone wonderful 9 months on. I had no idea life could e like this. He treats me with respect, we truly are a partnership and I am finally in love for the first time. It's wonderful. We are ttc our first baby. I am nearly 40. Put yourself first, don't make the mistakes I did out of fear or insecurity or worry it'll never happen. It will.

fiventhree Fri 21-Sep-12 08:30:58

Pm, this is the key to your problem:

"I wish I had the strength I used to have."

And why dont you? Because he has sucked it out of you, that's why.

It will get worse and worse and worse, believe me. If you dont have enough strength now, what is left will be sapped out of you, and your remaining confidence eroded.

fluffyraggies Fri 21-Sep-12 08:54:53

You have got the strength to leave PM. You really have. And once you begin to pull away you'll find a determination and an energy you didn't know you had!

Please don't waste any more time. This is your life. You only get one.

If it's any help to hear this - i left a long marriage and started again. In my 30s. Different circumstances to yours - but it was a complete uproot all the same. Shock for family and friends etc. They get over it! Yes, the split caused upset and tough times but i don't regret it for a moment. Everyone's still alive! And happier.

Think of the old you. What would she be saying to you now?

Purplemonster I do know what you're saying -- I was living with and engaged to someone at 30, and even though I wasn't happy it just seemed impossible to break up everything, to throw away several years of my life like that.

Luckily one night I sort of flipped out and just broke up with him out of the blue, I couldn't take anymore. And then found out that the whole process of splitting up was sooooo much less difficult than I had feared (family and friends DO help, life DOES go on, and that first night of freedom is so marvellous!)

If I hadn't done that, I never would have moved to the UK, met my DH (at 36!), had my DS (at 39!)

Your DH sounds like a real twat, I'm sorry, but it all sounds awful. You are still so young and have so much potential happiness to find out there. He doesn't deserve you.

Could you go stay with your mum for a few days and really think about what you want?

Newtothisstuff Fri 21-Sep-12 09:15:48

Omg I'm shocked at this... My DH (dp at the time) was caught out on dating sites years ago, I've never trusted him since even tho he's tried everything to reassure me it wouldn't happen again, I had a sneaky search every now and again.. Hope you are all ok.. Men are bastards sad

Abitwobblynow Fri 21-Sep-12 09:19:33

Purple 30 is SO YOUNG. I had my first child at over 31! I am now dealing with your dilemma at OVER 50. Please please don't hang your life with this person who has told you who he is. 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them' - Angela Mayou

Please listen to your Mum, she loves you and her honesty is the honesty of love.

What does ttc mean?

fluffyraggies Fri 21-Sep-12 09:23:54

Trying To Conceive, abit.

Lemonylemon Fri 21-Sep-12 09:26:24

PM, you say you don't know what to do. You also say that the house you live in belongs to him, so I'm assuming that it's in his sole name and that you don't appear on any bills or the mortgage (or indeed, the title deeds).

If I'm correct, what you need to do is this: Find a place to rent, pay the deposit. When he's not around, pack up your stuff into bin liners (for speed) and get the hell out. You are not in a proper relationship. You are in a half-relationship. You are only 30. It's not old age. Like lots of people, I had my babies late. I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 44.

Then, spend some time by yourself, rebooting your mindset. You DO deserve better than a half-life.

Apocalypto Fri 21-Sep-12 13:13:12

+1 to what LemonlyLemon said.

Also - if this were me - I would just vanish without trace. He doesn't deserve the opportunity to argue with you. He is pure fucking poison. Leave him wondering and leave him having to explain to everybody where you went.

At the risk of going o/t - when I was younger I found my older brother's porn stash. Well OK I went looking for it. Mayfair, Penthouse, that sort of thing. Now it was porn, but they made the women look fabulous, it was not gynaecological close ups and the text around it was all about "look what a gorgeous goddess we've found". I'm not saying it was "respectful porn" but there was none of this "look at these sluts and hate them" element to it. In a way the tone was almost "you can never have anyone this beautiful, guys - so give up and keep buying Penthouse instead". Which figures.

When and how did it change?? Because isn't a prostitute just seen as a porn slut you can rent?

Purplemonster - 30 is not the end of everything - it is the start.

I didn't learn to drive until I was thirty-one. I didn't open a bank account til then either, because I had just got a new job with a monthly pay-cheque instead of a weekly cash-stuffed envelope.

I didn't have a baby until I was 34, second one at 36.

There's still plenty time for you, please don't look back and lament at the lost years. You know there are so many things amiss in your relationship. Please don't compromise on the basics.

charlearose Sat 22-Sep-12 10:18:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 22-Sep-12 12:46:38

But if they know their password, they can read their emails from any machine anyway!

garlicnutty Sat 22-Sep-12 12:56:44

Apocalypto, I really like what you said about the Penthouse & Playboy of yore. I've found it hard to get your point across to either younger people ('old' porn adored the models; now it despises them) or older folks who haven't kept up with the times. I also think the "being cool with porn / it's only porn" thing was more justifiable back then. Nowadays, porn is abusive to women and makes them available for real-time abuse by viewers.

sad

charlearose Sat 22-Sep-12 13:29:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmooncup Sat 22-Sep-12 17:44:05

<wishes she was 30 not 37 in starting to rebuild life post-wanker>

Actually, Purple, even at 37, it's easy to meet someone. I literally meet men every day who are early 30s, looking to 'settle down'. I don't want to 'settle down' so no good for me.................but you can have 'em all wink.

Hope you find the strength to get the hell out of there.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 22-Sep-12 17:56:37

Mcmooncup if Purple doesn't want them I have a lovely friend aged 36 who would...

mcmooncup Sat 22-Sep-12 18:17:54

<warms to idea of passing on service>

<then realises horror of the connotations on this thread>

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 22-Sep-12 18:20:23

Sorry, yes, not really thread appropriate!

How are you doing today Purplemonster?

ElisabethAlice Wed 26-Sep-12 16:54:14

*Tamisara", "Purplemonster", "Sounsurenow",

I just want to to give a big {{{{{ hug }}}}} to all of you.

I gave my husband 4 children, my youth, my beauty and all for what?

He got afraid of getting old and started chasing "women" younger than our eldest daughter!

Prostitutes are husband stealing scum.

Please don't let them make you think that it's your fault.

That because you didn't give them a blowjob then they had the right to see prostitutes.

Prostitutes are vile.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 26-Sep-12 16:56:59

Prostitutes are husband stealing scum.

Ha ha ha. So the prostitutes hunted your husband down did they?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Wed 26-Sep-12 16:58:45

Really, ElisabethAlice? Husband stealing scum? Your poor didums husband clearly had no say in it.

Mellower Wed 26-Sep-12 17:01:33

Prostitutes generally do not prostitue their bodies for fun or even enjoy giving blow jobs to random men!!!

arthriticfingers Wed 26-Sep-12 17:08:08

I hope the poster chips is a troll.
All prostituted women need is to get called more vile names because of men's behaviour.
Hang your head in shame at wanting to kick women when they are already down.

OneMoreChap Wed 26-Sep-12 17:12:59

ElisabethAlice

Husband's fault, not the prostitutes.

hmm at I gave him 4 children, my youth and my beauty. Didn't he give you 4 children and his youth back too?

He still sounds an arse.

OneMoreChap Wed 26-Sep-12 17:14:13

arthriticfingers it's ElizabethAlice who said that. chips was mocking her.

arthriticfingers Wed 26-Sep-12 17:22:43

blush
I am really sorry chips blush

foofie Wed 26-Sep-12 17:37:45

There is a simple solution. Why not tell him to delete his emails and log in and show you his feedback rating. Its not 100% foolproof as he may have called to make bookings but if he has booked just one through the site then she will have left him feedback. He cannot delete feedback as the site does not allow that. If he refuses to allow you to see his feedback rating then you know he has visited escorts otherwise it would be at zero. A quick read of all the rules tells you all this information. Either that or if you make a fake profile and verify it you can search for hsi username and see his feedback from there

AnotherMumOnHere Wed 26-Sep-12 17:50:34

* Either that or if you make a fake profile and verify it you can search for hsi username and see his feedback from there*

That is not the case with adultwork. It is set up that you cannot see guys profiles unless they email you.

If you have his username though you can do a google search for him and may find something if he has feedback that way.

ShobGiteTheKnid Wed 26-Sep-12 18:20:24

This is just awful. I hope you are all OK>

Please don't forgive these vile men. sad

ElisabethAlice Wed 26-Sep-12 19:06:58

chipsandmushypeas and drinkfeckarsegirls

Punternet quiet tonight boys?

Ladies, you should know that these vile men like to call themselves "punters", they book prostitutes on Adultwork and then write "reviews" on them on a vile site called "Punternet" and it seems we have two of them here tonight.

Only men with problems with their dicks use prostitutes, isn't that right you two?

Perhaps you can also explain why you're on a site for mums?

chipsandmushypeas Wed 26-Sep-12 19:16:57

What the fuck are you on about, you nutcase!?

chipsandmushypeas Wed 26-Sep-12 19:18:06

I've never been called a punter before! grin especially with my huge 7 month bump confused.

MrMeaner Wed 26-Sep-12 19:21:55

You missed the point spectacularly there EA.

It's your husband who is 'vile' and 'scum', not the prostitutes who I am sure would rather not have to deal with him either.

(Oh and I'm on here because it says by parents for parents)

GoldShip Wed 26-Sep-12 19:22:38

'Prostitutes are husband stealing scum'

Why don't you centre your anger on who is really at fault, rather then women trying to make a living. Vile comment.

And I'm not a punter before you try and say.

ElisabethAlice Wed 26-Sep-12 19:22:49

If you're a woman then I apologise.

It's so hard to separate the real women from the men pretending to be women.

Sorry.

chipsandmushypeas Wed 26-Sep-12 19:26:16

What made you think I was? Because I was defending prostitutes?

Men seek out sex workers, not the other way around. My DP couldn't get duped into sex with a prostitute unless he actively went looking, like your exh did. That's all I was saying. I don't like women blaming other women for shitty things men do.

Your husband was unfaithful to you and your children, he had vows to you. The prostitute did not.

foofie Wed 26-Sep-12 19:29:34

I think the comment about two of them being on here is aimed at me and one other. I am on here because I am a mum. Simple. I was also trying to offer the OP advice on how to find out if he has booked an escort or not. What I do part time after work (yes I have a proper job infact I am a Midwife) has nothing to do with this thread. I was offering advice in a way I know would work.
@Anothermumonhere, If you are a verified member you can search any profile be it service provider or service seeker if you have the username. They only have to email first if you are not verified. Hence the whole client connections thing, where verified members were sending out pre set emails to every punter they could find but now they have thankfully removed that so you can see their profile but not email them

DrinkFeckArseGirls Wed 26-Sep-12 20:46:10

Ermmm, Elisabeth Tbh I think there is no way you are a woman because you hate women so much. If you actually bothered to check whether we are trolls or not, you could've done a quick search of our usernames. Do you have hairy hands? hmm

ElisabethAlice Wed 26-Sep-12 21:09:29

Moisturised hands smile

I've already apologised and I'll apologise to you and Chips again.

Sorry.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Wed 26-Sep-12 22:04:53

Thank you. You're understandably angry, we just have to agree to disagree re prostitutes. I don't think many of them do it because it's such fun (I'm guessing there might be some) but on the whole they do it because there is nothing else for them to do to earn a living. They could be providing a service to single men only, it's the married guys that make the decision to go them IYSWIM. Sorry about your situation.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 10:16:05

@ foofie. I think you will find out, even when verified (and this is not a great option) that the only ones you can 'search the profile of' is the ones who have either put you on their 'hotlist'; bought your pix and their is a third thing too that I cant remember.

Being verified does not automatically allow you to 'search' for anyone, whether you have username or not.

Going down the 'verified' path means you have to send adultwork a photo of yourself with the username you have chosen to use on it with your full face showing and also your driving licence/passport number. I don't know if many partners/wives would want to get this listed on a database to find out what their OH is up to.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 10:20:49

As DFAG says, the prostitutes don't go dragging the men off the streets. The guys search them out which is a totally different kettle of fish.

Why the girls do the job they do is their decision. The number is multiplying daily because of the high number of unemployed and the number will increase even more in the run up to Christmas with more females 'working' to pay for their childrens christmas presents. Not your choice maybe, but it is theirs.

I wonder how OP is?

Tamoo Thu 27-Sep-12 11:16:38

The last thing a prostitute wants is to "steal your husband". The prositute is much more likely to share your suspicion that underneath the facade your husband is a woman-hating skank. She wants him to get it over with as quickly as possible and leave. She wishes she has a proper career with friends and prospects and she hates herself when she looks in the mirror. She also hates having no idea where she'll be or what her life will be like six months or five years from now. She wishes she didn't need to do this to survive.

Oh and she'll also be hoping you find out that your husband has an escort habit and that you'll kick his arse.

OneMoreChap Thu 27-Sep-12 11:52:26

Tamoo Thu 27-Sep-12 11:16:38
The last thing a prostitute wants is to "steal your husband".

That much, I'm sure about.
The rest is subjective and surely varies from prostitute to prostitute.

The only one I knew well certainly didn't do it to survive, and had a lot of friends.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 12:20:06

I know a number of escorts/prostitutes and you are right - the last thing they want is to 'steal your husband', far from it, they usually disuade clients from being 'overfriendly' as no one wants a 'lovesick puppy'.

Oh and she'll also be hoping you find out that your husband has an escort habit and that you'll kick his arse.

Why on earth would an escort want you to kick out your husband. Escorts are not looking for relationships with clients. They are just that, clients, for one hour, two hours, four hours, whatever length of time they make a booking for.

As for She wishes she has a proper career with friends and prospects and she hates herself when she looks in the mirror. She also hates having no idea where she'll be or what her life will be like six months or five years from now. She wishes she didn't need to do this to survive.

You couldnt be further from the truth. Although the job is very insular due to the laws of the country, the girls usually have as many friends as the next person.

The rest of your statement is just narrowminded and judgemental bollox but obviously, even if very wrong, your opinion.

Tamoo Thu 27-Sep-12 12:36:31

I'm speaking from personal experience. My apologies if it doesn't correspond to 100% of prostitutes' thinking. But it's certainly not "narrow-minded" or "judgemental bollocks".

The friends comment stems from the fact of wishing for a normal job where you're able to chat with someone at the next desk or at least someone to talk to about their job. I wasn't suggesting that prostitutes don't have RL friends.

And again speaking from personal experience, I found it was quite a common train of thought to hope a client's wife would somehow find out and get away from him, simply from seeing what he was like in that hour or two.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 12:58:26

Tamoo when you say 'friends' is that a single friend (with the apostrophe) or plural friends (without apostrophe). I hope you know what I mean.

Most escorts have constant (minute to minute or hour to hour) contact with other escorts via the intenet, therefore they do not 'wish for a normal job where they are able to chat to someone at the next desk' for they are still doing that even if it is not physically, they still have regular contact with people they can talk about the job with.

As for I found it was quite a common train of thought to hope a client's wife would somehow find out and get away from him, simply from seeing what he was like in that hour or two. I really dont know what kind of friends you have as none of the girls I know that work as escorts would EVER want the client's wife to find out about their wayward husband/partner's activities, to think that is absurd and says more to me about your friend/s than anything else.

arthriticfingers Thu 27-Sep-12 13:08:31

wayward?????

Tamoo Thu 27-Sep-12 13:12:19

I know what you mean, the friends comment is as it is, plural, ie, regarding having friends.

We'll just have to acknowledge differing opinions on whether one would want a wife to find out. Yes there are clients who are 'OK' and seem harmless enough and/or punting for arguable reasons and one might think, fair dos, what the wife doesn't know can't hurt her. But there are other clients who are shitbags and one can't imagine that their shitbagness doesn't manifest itself at home in front of their wife and kids. In those cases one might entertain a fleeting sisterly wish that the wife did find out and manage to find herself a different husband.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 13:18:42

Nothing wrong with wayward.

Wayward = Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations or swayed or prompted by caprice; unpredictable.

AnotherMumOnHere Thu 27-Sep-12 13:18:43

Nothing wrong with wayward.

Wayward = Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations or swayed or prompted by caprice; unpredictable.

Catinthebox Thu 27-Sep-12 13:51:12

There are as many different sorts of prostitutes as there are punters, or anything else you can think of, police officers, doctors etc.

I think it's a 'job' that people seem to romanticise because of the taboo nature and 'mystery' of it. I also think that some women try to excuse the prostitute and put all the blame on the client as a slightly Freudian way of coming to terms with the issue- that she is jealous of the prostitute and seeks to resolve the situation by learning to identify with the prostitute.

Some prostitutes are abuse victims, pimped out and miserable. Some are abuse victims in another sense, that get a warped sense of satisfaction out of what they see as positive attention and even love from their clients. Some do it as an easy way to make money. Some do because they hate other women and get a kick out of what they perceive as their sexual power over men.

Ditto the clients, some women hating abusers, some miserably under confident individuals who can't form functional relationships with women and are therefore more of a victim than the prostitute, being brought even lower by the degredation of having to pay for sex, etc, etc.

The thing is that even with first person testimonials of the whys and wherefores, you don't get the full truth and it's a difficult subject to be honest about, because clients and prostitutes- like any other person- distort the facts, tell lies, feel shame and seek understanding and approval. Are they all psychologically damaged? Probably no more than any other cross section of society, but they just get more focus, because of the shock value of the subject.

ElisabethAlice Thu 27-Sep-12 20:07:23

The OP hasn't been back in a while. I hope she's ok.

carmenelectra Thu 27-Sep-12 22:04:10

Its crazy to think prostitutes steal husbands. Yeah right. Like. A 25yr old is out to nick a middle aged man from his wife. Women market and adverstise and men seek them out. However, from reading some of the prostitution and punting forums I do think some of the women gloat and suck up to the men who post and almost encourage them.
I found my my dp had seen prostitutes and engaged in banter I'd be beyond mad. Like I was being made fun of.

A lot of the escorts claim to be totally okay with the concept of their own partners payong for sex as long as it was just that. Oh really? So they would be totally cool with their husband paying younger prettier girls and it wouldn't damage their self esteem or humiliate them? Really?even if they wrote detailed reviews? Maybe all prostitutes do it for the sex and are basically paid swingers then. They don't put up with a bloke double their age just for the dosh!

Oh and foofie are you a prostitute? I am wondering how the NMC would view this as wouldn't it mean that you weren't of good character?

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 22:18:01

Elisabeth, I am sorry your husband turned out to be of such poor character, but the fault all lies with him, not the women he paid to abuse

Are you still with him ?

carmenelectra Thu 27-Sep-12 22:35:25

I meant if my dp had seen prostitutes, that that he has. He would be be history, obviously.

ladymariner Fri 28-Sep-12 08:28:06

What an awful thread, can't imagine what OP and the others who've found out their husbands have been using this site are going through......hope you can find the strength to come through this, and that your partners get exactly what they deserve. Hugs

OneMoreChap Fri 28-Sep-12 09:10:18

AnyFucker
Oh and foofie are you a prostitute? I am wondering how the NMC would view this as wouldn't it mean that you weren't of good character?

Why, because she has sex with lots of people?
Or because she does something no more illegal than stamp-collecting.

As long as she doesn't speak for the profession surely she's fine doing a second - legal - job.

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 10:22:44

a. Prostitution is more illegal than collecting stamps!

b. I know it is something you have mentioned to me before but your assertion that having sex for money in your own home not being illegal means prostitution is therefore legal and by implication endorsed isn't correct. That lack of illegality is purely about the inability and unwillingness of the law to interfere in a private bedroom. It isn't because the law doesn't consider prostitution a problem just that the implications of giving courts powers to regulate and investigate behaviour in a private bedroom are greater than the need/desire to make all sales of sex for money illegal.

C. It is likely that AF would be correct that in a good moral character clause part-time work as a prostitute would be something they might be concerned about as this is about morals rather than laws and there is some precedent of prostitution being considered a moral issue.

Tamoo Fri 28-Sep-12 10:31:00

Carmen what you have to remember is that 'sucking up to the men on prostitution forums' is a form of marketing; as awful as that sounds, writing as though you think all your clients are infinitely sexy and masterful lovers is just something you have to do. Anyone here who's read the blogs on AW would get the impression that escorts live in a state of permanent arousal and think every client they see is gorgeous. Potential clients who look at these blogs (and the field reports, and the feedback) are looking for a guaranteed - and uninhibited - good time, and will likely book the escort who looks most likely to provide this. Not saying it's true for everyone but I think you have to take it with a pinch of salt when you read that an escort does it because she 'loves sex so much the money is just a bonus'.

OneMoreChap Fri 28-Sep-12 10:53:52

Offred Lord, I'd never say it was endorsed!

Just that it isn't illegal. The old maxim generally holds: that which is not forbidden is allowed ( or nullum crimen sine lege).

Actually, I think you & AnyFucker are right it probably would be a moral issue.
But once again, note that the greatest moral obloquy is reserved for the prostitutes (women) rather than those who use their services. I think that's wrong.

Would a male GP be struck off for going to a prostitute? Unlikely. They don't necessarily strike off sex-offenders.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 28-Sep-12 10:57:35

OMC I think it was carmen not AF who said what you quoted.

OneMoreChap Fri 28-Sep-12 11:00:22

You're right.
I've just got into the habit - bad for both of us - of agreeing with AnyFucker grin.

Looking again, I've elided both "character" comments.

Apologies to both.

carmenelectra Fri 28-Sep-12 11:56:11

onemorechap
Being a prostitute is not like having any normal second job at all, even if it is legal.

I am pretty sure the NMC would not be ok with it. Also. I don't think many patients would be happy with it either, knowing that a prostitute was caring for them. It would not seem professional. Not saying I necessarily agree but just saying.

Catinthebox Fri 28-Sep-12 11:57:46

ElisabethAlice 'Prostitutes are vile'

I think the responses to ElisabethAlice help prove my theory! I think that some women try to excuse the prostitute and put all the blame on the client as a slightly Freudian way of coming to terms with the issue- that she is jealous of the prostitute and seeks to resolve the situation by learning to identify with the prostitute. It's strange, for example that everyone will pitch in about the huge STI risk associated with prostitute use, but of course the man is the dirty bastard for catching the STI, not the 'professional' for working while infected! Double standards.

Yes, prostitute are vile. If someone was a drug user, people would be quick to say that drug dealers are vile and play a huge part in the users problem, not that the dealer is a victim, who risks being attacked by desperate druggies seeking a fix, or prosecuted for doing a horrible job they really don't have a choice in because they are desperate etc, etc. If men didn't use the service, it wouldn't be there, but if there weren't women willing to do it, it wouldn't either. And not all hookers are poor little victims to be pitied.

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 12:12:32

Omc- re: double standards. Not in my book. I was working to the example given is all.

Also as far as the law goes prostitution, when looked at holistically, is not legal. That Latin expression fails to grasp the complexities of the law that are involved here. It is often about balancing and can't strictly be assumed something is "not forbidden is allowed".

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 12:27:18

*if sorry not is.

PretzelTime Fri 28-Sep-12 12:38:17

"prostitutes are vile" "prostitutes spread STI's not clients" "women are jealous of prostitues"

Are you serious Catinthebox? Sounds like something a misogynist man would say.

Catinthebox Fri 28-Sep-12 13:16:12

PretzelTime

I'm very serious about every thing I say, when taken in context. Since you are clearly directing your reply at me whilst quoting things I have not written, I will take it you are misunderstanding me.

Prostitutes are vile. So are the men who use them. So too are the people who enable both. Prostitutes do spread STI's. So do the men who use them and anyone else who engages in any risky activity, knowing that they have an STI or knowing that they are at high risk of one (or many) some are just unlucky. Some women are jealous of prostitutes. Some think they are vile. Some pity them. Some are jealous of them and try to rationalise that by attempting to empathise and identify with them. As I have said, all these opinions, actions and feelings are unique to the individual experiencing them.

I think it's a very interesting subject and one that you can have a lot of interesting debates about, but it always comes down to the same thing- people, mainly women, seeking to validate the 'poor prostitute, bad punter' stereotype. Anything that doesn't fit in with that fantasy gets shoved under the label 'misogyny.' So in a fair and reasonable debate you have to consider misandry too. Some men hate women, some women hate men. Some- not all, as in everything. I think it would be more useful to the women who have found their partners using these 'services' to take a balanced view of the whole subject. The man they have given years of their life to might not be a filthy woman abuser. He might have made a mistake. He might have problems himself. The prostitute involved might not be a victim, she might be the abuser, taking money of and degrading a vulnerable man. There are as many different scenarios as there are people.

catfart Fri 28-Sep-12 13:41:24

Sorry catinthebox, I don't see how the prostitute is the one doing the degrading? Unless of course we're going into the realms of punters licking boots and having 8 inch heels whopped up their ass which is more fetish.

The men here are choosing to cheat, requesting bareback and risking knowingly their own health predominantly from women in less than desirable circumstances. This isn't pretty woman. Think of all the brothels where women have been forced into it, brought from overseas with the promises of job to be turned into sex slaves. Are these women vile also?

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 13:47:40

I think it is possible that some prostitutes are predatory aggressors and some punters are very damaged but I still think that there is a much greater level of (free) choice involved in buying sex than selling it and the fact that the majority of prostitutes come from groups which are shown to be more economically vulnerable in society - women etc blows the "evil" prostitutes argument out of the water for me.

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 13:51:22

I think misandry is common in female prostitutes; either being what leads them to prostitution or as a result of their experiences and with male punters I imagine the same thing is true as far as misogyny goes. It isn't always overt sometimes it can be quite subversive even just being maladjusted views about relationships or gender issues.

Offred Fri 28-Sep-12 13:51:47

*having

Catinthebox Fri 28-Sep-12 14:11:54

Without speaking to the individual women it's impossible to say- I imagine some are, again at one end of the scale you'll have women who think it will be easy money for something they don't mind doing, whether or not it turns out to be different to what they imagined isn't the issue at that stage. At the other there are women who are bullied, abused etc and have no choice.

Every scenario is different, you can only say some, not all, and you can't mix and match- the women on the site mentioned are not eastern european sex slaves. If the OP 's partner wants to negotiate unprotected sex with another consenting adult for money, then the issue to the OP is his infidelity and risk taking, not some imagined third world hooker!

We don't even know the men here. If you spoke to them they might have a different version of events. Why is it taken that the man, without hearing his POV must be lying? Are we saying that all men are liars, because thats misandry at work! Maybe he's telling the truth and doesn't want to show her the account because he feels embarrased? The posters who are asking for advice and opinions deserve a balanced view.

As for the men being degraded, a lot of men use prostitutes because they have difficulty forming functioning relationships. You could have a man who has suffered sexual abuse (or any other kind), feels shamed by his body and needs and turns to what he sees as a legitimate service (perhaps he's vulnerable because he has a low IQ or aspergers....maybe he doesn't have any idea of some of the issues that may be involved with CSW) A tacky sexual encounter that leaves him £40 out of pocket and with genital warts is degrading and damaging to him, whilst the hooker might well be laughing all the way to the bank! I'm not saying that is every case, clearly not, but in some cases it is and it's part of the wider issue. It's not the case either to say that every man who makes an appointment with an escort is going to be sexually abusing a pimped out abuse victim who is so miserable she wants to die, but thats what it gets turned into again and again!

catfart Fri 28-Sep-12 14:18:40

I think it's fair to say most women who do it may have quite a backstory, I for one would not call them vile. They are risking their health and their lives with random men, think how many murders of prostitutes there have been, the fact that most have encountered some violence. I can see how misandry is common....it's well known that women who have been abused, been in care and had a very hard time end up on this path. They are women like you and I, some may say like their job....but you know what? That's probably a front to show to judgemental women calling them vile. The men who seek them out, use them for their own enjoyment, cheat, tell lies and play roulette with their health should be frowned upon here, it's Misguided anger towards the prostitute in my opinion.