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How often do you argue? What is normal?

(50 Posts)
Nc4567 Tue 28-Aug-12 21:09:45

Just that, really. What is normal in a relationship?

What do you consider an arguement? DH and I (together for 9 years, married for 6) have never ever had a screaming match, we have never sworn at each other or shouted any abuse, and very very rarely raised our voices at each other.
When we disagree, we talk calmly, both hearing what the other says, but often we agree to disagree!

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 21:15:42

Argued a handfull of times in over ten years.

LemarchandsBox Tue 28-Aug-12 21:16:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow Tue 28-Aug-12 21:53:11

Depressingly, I think it is HOW you argue.

Arguing in my house is completely futile. His immediate reaction is 'no, it isn't'.
Then we have to argue about the definition.

It is a power struggle which he must win, and I never realised.

Proudnscary Tue 28-Aug-12 21:55:40

Yes I think it's not about how frequently but in what way - and what the atmosphere's like and how you related to each other and speak to each other.

But in answer to your question, we have about two massive shouting matches a year, one or two angry arguments a month with no shouting and about two fairly good natured squabbles a week...!

Offred Tue 28-Aug-12 22:02:43

We have never had an argument in more than 4 years. I think normal is pointless. Healthy is the question and healthy will depend on who you are as people and how you interact.

Kaluki Tue 28-Aug-12 22:08:58

We have had about 4 major arguments in our time together. One about an ex gf who wouldn't bugger off and the others about the kids
They aren't big shouty arguments - and we always made up straight after.
We've both been in bad relationships before and don't want to argue so only do it when we really have to iyswim grin

Badgerina Tue 28-Aug-12 22:09:06

DH and I used to argue a fair bit, but I was in therapy and since I've made progress, and completed 2 years (grin) it has really helped us enormously. The arguments weren't about "us" they were about childhood ishoos and trauma.

These days, we bicker but are good natured and humorous about it. If we shout (which we sometimes do and really there is nothing wrong with shouting!) we always talk to DS about why feeling angry and shouting is ok. He knows that even when you shout and feel angry, there is still love and always "a way back" by calming down, communicating and helping each other, lovingly.

Kayano Tue 28-Aug-12 22:12:16

Mainly bickering

Argue maybe 6 times a year? Every other month(ish) ?

But we take the piss out of each other relentlessly. I tell him I don't need
To iron his clothes because his belly pulls the creases out, he tells
Me I need to put my belt
On with a boomerang etc etc blushgrin

Kayano Tue 28-Aug-12 22:14:36

One time we had a massive fight and he punched a hole in the door. He didn't hit it that hard but it was a 70s plywood job

blush I'm ashamed
To say it but I was very excited by this as I had wanted new doors For ages and we got the whole downstairs Doors done lol

That was about 6 years ago though

Annunziata Tue 28-Aug-12 22:19:11

DH and I bicker all the time and 'fall out' at least once a week. But we very rarely properly argue.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 28-Aug-12 22:20:10

I'm not sure we have ever had "an argument". We do sarcasm, taking the piss and a bit of light bickering.

axure Tue 28-Aug-12 22:30:50

Used to have massive ding-dongs all the time when we were younger and under more stress cos not much money etc.Have both mellowed with age and have a rational discussion about things, which is much better.

Ratata Tue 28-Aug-12 23:20:54

5 years and zero arguments. We don't agree on everything but if we don't then we just talk about it and come up with a solution. We have both had blazing arguments when we were in past relationships. Both hated it. Then found each other and were so relieved that nothing is an argument. Neither of us believe that arguing is a good thing, blazing rows etc. Maybe it works for some but not us.

Just my 2 cents...

Nc4567 Tue 28-Aug-12 23:24:47

Just sick of arguments, but trying to work outif I am being over sensitive...

recall Tue 28-Aug-12 23:27:03

About 4 times a year with minis about twice a month, and little snappy outbursts, once a week

recall Tue 28-Aug-12 23:31:00

Nc i think that arguments are reasonable, a chance to communicate honestly, and a sign that we both care enough to thrash it out. We will argue, then keep our distance for an hour, then bump into each other and start sniggering

megandraper Tue 28-Aug-12 23:34:00

No arguments here (married 5 years) - we do disagree about things, but don't get het up about it. I do do grumpy snapping sometimes though (when short of sleep, harassed by DCs etc.) but he doesn't rise to it.

howdoo Tue 28-Aug-12 23:34:34

Like others, have never had an actual screaming match. We don't argue often but when we do, we are (obv) annoyed at the time. But we are BOTH pretty good at saying sorry (I learnt it off him TBH), and they are proper apologies nowadays (my DH used to say "I am sorry that you were upset" until I set him straight that this was passive/aggressive nonsense and not an apology!)

It's helpful if you can work out what is really bothering you, IYSWIM, as it's often not the thing you're rowing about. Try not to get personal - you can never take it back.

Maybe try the whole, you talk and then I talk thing?

Not helpful I know, but an awful lot of people just really want to say their point again and again, and are crap at listening. This is where an I'm sorry can go a long way to diffusing anger...

Dryjuice25 Wed 29-Aug-12 00:56:11

Everyday we are under the same roof. But these arguments are futile so now i tend to walk away to cool down or conserve energy.

I hate it. But I get drawn in by dh acute disregard for common decency and respectful behaviour towards me or dcs.

BadLad Wed 29-Aug-12 03:57:32

So far no arguments as such. DW is very practical and says her piece without saying anything intended solely to hurt, which makes solving problems much easier.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 29-Aug-12 04:55:00

Depends what you define as an argument. I remember visiting an exBF's family and his parents bickered quite forcefully all the time. I referred to it as arguing, as to my ear it was. He said 'that's not arguing, that's the way they talk, arguing is quite different'. There was a lot of low level bitterness and resentment in their relationship and this habit had formed. It was disagreement, expressed in a way that suggested they only tolerated each other. If that's not argument it still isn't something I'd want to live with and struck me as one big, ongoing argument about their mutual dissatisfaction (until they split up after 30+ years over an affair he had).

I find similar things with some friends who are (to my ears) constantly rude and sarcastic to each other, which I think is much worse than arguing about something and resolving it. They'd probably see it as a normal way of speaking to other people.

GnomeDePlume Wed 29-Aug-12 05:16:15

Over 20 years married here. We dont agree about everything and also recognise that we both have things we are less than rational about.

Agree with others that it is the way you argue but I also think you have to look at whether either of you provoke arguments. Not provoking arguments isnt the same as walking on egg shells.

Boobz Wed 29-Aug-12 06:08:49

2 or 3 proper blow outs a year I reckon (normally hormone related - have been pregnant or breast feeding with 3 children for nearly 4 years now).

1 very angry argument probably every 3 months.

And 2 or 3 disagreements followed by death stare but then everything is normal 30 seconds later, in a week I should think.

We never argue. Disagreements are worked out through talking. I never thought I'd be in a relationship like this - it certainly wasn't the one modelled by my parents.

LST Wed 29-Aug-12 06:39:38

We raise voices, scream, shout and swear when DS isn't in. But we bicker most days. I'm a 'nag' and he's lazy. We always go to bed happy though smile

Lovestosing Wed 29-Aug-12 09:22:45

When we first got together we were very young and I'm ashamed to say that I loved the drama of a big argument, so we were either all over each other or shouting, although mostly the former. Neither of us have the energy for shouting matches anymore, we bicker a few times a week, probably have a mini fall out once a month but make up quite quickly and have a big blow out once or twice a year now. We love each other a lot but I have a quick temper and I'm overly defensive and DH is quite snappy and grumpy at times so it does lead to arguments. We're happy with the way things are. Yes, we solve and converse rationally most of the time but when we argue it can help resolve issues too. No harm in it I say!

MolatovBomb Wed 29-Aug-12 09:28:57

Ive been with DH for 12 years; we've been married for 4 years. We don't argue much, but it does increase in frequency if one or both of us are stressed. Even then, we don't scream and shout. Our tendency is to get snippy with each-other, then one will say something like 'what's the matter?' then we'll talk about what's really up.

I hate to see him upset. He's better once he's talked (so am I).

headinhands Wed 29-Aug-12 09:33:01

Two proper arguments in 11 years but even then it's me being the arm wavy/plastic bowl throwing drama lama. He just stood there looking all sensible and confused. Nothing takes the wind out of my sails quicker!

We do disagree and have heated discussions but they're never abusive and it seems we're equally careful not to hurt each others feelings. And we don't end the conversation until we are both satisfied. I have no idea if it's normal or not but it would take some convincing that there's something unhealthy about how we communicate.

My previous LT relationship was very volatile. Maybe I have just grown up?

bubalou Wed 29-Aug-12 09:36:21

We bicker - but almost always in a jokey way and that's about 2 x a month.

Think we have 1 'argument' a year.

We genuinely get on very well and don't keep much from each other as I find we work best as a couple this way.

It used to be more when we weren't maybe as happy as we are now or when DS was younger and I was even more tired etc.

Sometimes a proper fight is good.

NC4321 Wed 29-Aug-12 13:32:54

it does depend on whaat else is going on. Me and DH argue a lot but that's because we have a child and he never helps me with him in the mornings and I am very sleep deprived which makes me feel resentful. he thinks I am negative all lthe time (which I can be) but a lot of it is me trying to explain why things he has done are just not workable. There's a lot of 'but i did this for you so why are you complaining that I didn't do that' in our house sad

I guess it's bickering but nothing ever seems to get resolved so it feels like one big long argument.

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 29-Aug-12 13:42:08

we rarely argue and don't bicker at all which is the most soul destroying ways to argue IMO.

We have been together for 24 years and argue most likely about once a year. We have learned how to head them off, but sometimes if we are both tired we just have to get it over with.

bubalou Wed 29-Aug-12 14:03:59

When I say bicker 'funnysinlajardin' I mean a 30 second bicker - back and forth joking / stick pointing about how he let the recycling build up.

A bickers not that bad. I think I know the type confused

HazleNutt Wed 29-Aug-12 14:16:14

What is arguing or a fight for you? I was just reading a magazine article where they asked the same question and in one couple, the woman said they never argue; the man said that oh, about 10 times per week.

QuietTiger Wed 29-Aug-12 14:51:00

DH & I don't argue, but we have the odd "frank discussion" where I'm being hormonal, unreasonable and irrational due to pregnancy which usually is caused by me exploding over something stupid that's upset me.

We might disagree over something, but as a rule, we discuss it calmly and reach a compromise. We don't tend to bicker, never, ever "row" and always try to resolve the problem there and then. We also never go to bed angry.

slipperandpjsmum Wed 29-Aug-12 15:04:01

I suppose it depends upon personality types. Some people are more fiery that others and will argue more but don't think its a reflection of the health of a relationship. There are lots of ways to fall out. I have a friend who doesn't speak to her dh for a week which I would hate!

We argue less now that we are older - maybe we are just too tired these days!!

ThePieWhoLovedMe Wed 29-Aug-12 15:27:42

Never had a row/argument/name calling/ shouting - with DH (been together 12 years).

Very occasionally he will piss me off and I just tell him.

Headagainstwall Wed 29-Aug-12 15:42:50

With my ex, constantly. I used to say I hated all the arguing and he would insist that everyone argued all the time, that it was normal, and I was oversensitive for not liking it.

With my DH, about 3 times in 6 years. Much better.

Ex used to use eastenders as an example of normal people arguing. Ha. Who the fuck wants to mirror eastenders?!

I always used to feel that I had never recovered from the previous argument & nasty things said, before the next one started. He always got over it very quickly so didn't see a problem. Everyone's different, I suppose.

HecateHarshPants Wed 29-Aug-12 15:47:50

Depends what you mean by argue. If you mean disagree on an issue and exchange views and attempt to reach agreement - then lots.

If you mean toe to toe screaming at each other, or personal insults - then never.

Everyone is different. It's how you feel about it that matters. Some people scream at each other every day and feel ok about it. Others don't.

OliveandJim Wed 29-Aug-12 16:31:04

I'm from a Latin culture where shouting and arguing is perfectly acceptable. My parents argued all the time and what I learned as a child is that winning the argument or being right is not important but saving the relationship is much more important so I also witnessed every argument ending up either in laughter (my parents laughing at their own stupidity) or with one of them saying sorry you're right to the other.
DP hates shouting and arguing and he doesn't know how to resolve conflict because he was brought up to avoid it like the plague. I shout a lot less since I'm with him but I do give in alot more just to save our relationship. I say loads of Of course darling and I miss make up sex...

ouryve Wed 29-Aug-12 16:38:21

We bicker about little things and tend to express mild annoyance quite frequently (actually, I think it's me what does most of that!) but we don't have big arguments. Probably because things don't get to fester or escalate, which is good because with 2 kids with SN and some pretty challenging behaviour of their own, we can't afford to waste mental emotional energy on being unreasonable with each other. Grievances have to be sorted out as a matter of priority.

BerylStreep Wed 29-Aug-12 22:40:03

We argue too much, and I hate it. I often say to myself, and my DH, that this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life, and there have been times when I have told him I long for a divorce. sad

We average about one really screaming shouty argument once a year, (although there have been times when it is more) but there are squabbles almost every other day, sometimes more than once a day.

It definitely has an effect on the closeness of our relationship. We get on and try to raise our DC as best we can, but there is very little intimacy left.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 00:07:18

Maybe once every few months - always over the same things - but we both hate it, so after a few minutes of arguing one of us will be the bigger person and apologise and it'll be over immediately. No holding grudges, no leaving the room/going to bed angry.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 00:09:16

Beryl - sad - is there any way you can pre-empt the arguments and avoid them? There are certain topics that I know will get me riled up (DH is very placid, not easy to get him riled up, so I know that I'm the one that creates any tension) so if I can feel myself getting into an argumentative state I try to remove myself from the there any way that could work for you?

BerylStreep Thu 30-Aug-12 09:08:58

Summer, I don't know. Recently DH is the one who has been very argumentative - he sees it as 'standing up to me'.

After he tried to start yet another row this morning, I have told him that all he is doing is hammering another nail in the coffin that is our marriage. I have told him I no longer love him, and I am not going to live my life like this anymore.

It's a shame, because other than the crap state of our relationship, we have quite a nice life - 2 lovely DC, financially stable, good friends, lovely house, and a lot of the time we can be amicable. For me, there's just no love left, it has been slowly eroded away. Probably as much my doing as his, to be fair. sad

whatsthehurry Thu 30-Aug-12 09:19:36

Shouting arguing - no, but when I have done or said something inappropriate (which most of the time is unknown to me), I get sent to Coventry for 2 - 3 days - I merrily carry on chatting and as usual, but very little comes back. Then slowly, it returns to normal. Sometimes I have to ask what I have done wrong - it's always me - and then at least I know the reason for being blanked.
Every time I tell myself that this can't go on, but on it goes. Really at the end of the road now, and realising it will never change - a real confidence destroyer as every time I open my mouth, I wonder whether I've put my foot in it again.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 11:36:34

I really am sorry to hear that Beryl. I am young; my marriage is still pretty new, so I can't really offer any advice, but I hope that between the two of you, you figure out a solution that works for you both and your DC, even if that is separation/divorce.

QuietTiger Fri 31-Aug-12 14:54:06

whatsthehurry it is not "always you", it is your OH being a twat. What you describe is emotional abuse - you never knowing what the "ground rules" are, wondering if you are right or wrong all the time, being "punished" for what someone else perceives as "inappropriate"...

If you OH loved and respected you, he wouldn't be treating you like this. To put it into perspective, if I "offend" my DH, he'll tell me that I've upset him and then either give me a chance to "defend my action" (e.g. I said no to someone after he had said yes, so undermined him, but I did it because I knew the bigger picture and once I explained, he was OK) or to "say sorry" because it was my fault (e.g. when I said something that embarrassed him in front of his friend). I do similar with him, we have good communication and that's how it should be. Everyone makes "mistakes", but in a good relationship, you know what they are straight away - you are not walking on eggshells all the time.

cantmakecarrotcake Fri 31-Aug-12 15:31:59

We never argue. We might raise issues that bother us, but it never ends up being shouty.

Both of us are pretty laid back though and fairly self aware. I know full well when I'm being hormonal or unreasonable and just seethe in silence until I'm being more rational - only then do I actually say something and I'm able to do it calmly and with a sense of humour (many a true thing said in jest).

It helps that a) I have a 'housetrained' DH (thank you MiL) b) we have similar thresholds for dirt/mess and we have a cleaner and c) we have our finances set up in a way that suits us both very well.

I'm ashamed to say I do snap at toddler DD though, but that's because we're both frustrated. At that point I leave the room and get DH to take over.

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