Mumsnet Talk

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

Of course you're shaking and crying at random moments, honey, but you know that you can and you will keep it together for your dh and your dc, not just for the next week but for as long as it takes.

I would suggest that you set aside time each day/evening to privately have a good wallow; rail at fate, shake your fist at the sky, or simply bawl your eyes out. And then dust yourself down and start all over again.

Hold fast to the thought that, although the odds may not be particularly favourable, this op would not have been scheduled if medical opinion was that nothing could be done for your dh.

And know that miracles do happen - and they happen far more frequently than you may currently believe.

Let it all out here. Regard this thread as your personal space to unload/offload/download; to take stock and to ponder what you may consider to be unthinkable, and express what you may believe to be inexpressable, because those are the thoughts that have the power to haunt and unsettle us at times when we need to hold steady.

Get your wobbling done here and you'll spare yourself some of the trauma you usually experience after a crisis.

Your dh, yourself, and your dc will be in the thoughts and prayers of many and their strength will get you through.

Thank you so much izzy. Can't say much more than that at the moment, finding it difficult to even type, but can't tell you how much I appreciate your htoughts.

I'm sorry, this must be really stressful for you - I'm not surprised you're all out of trying, if you've been coping with something like this for years it will gradually wear you down.

The only thing I can really say is that this is totally out of your control now - it's all up to the medics from here on in...which is probably what makes it so scary. Try to focus on what you can do - practical stuff, like helping the kids - rather than the outcome on Monday, because to be honest what will be will be and there isn't much you can do about that right now.

Please spoil yourself today...go get yourself and the kids some cakes, biscuits, pop; get a takeaway or cook ready meals tonight, make life as easy on yourself as you can. And don't do what I do and be too proud to ask for help - are there relatives or friends around that can pitch in with some practical help for the next few days?

Finally I just wanted to say that my 90 year old Gran had a gallbladder op three weeks ago - she'd had gallbladder stones for some time but due to her age they were (understandably) reluctant to operate. In the end they had no choice as she was deteriorating pretty quickly, so decided to give her two options - have the op, or let nature take its course.

We were warned that due to her age and general health she would be unlikely to survive. Well, she did, and is sitting up happily in bed drinking tea and driving the nurses nuts, and already looks ten times better than she did this time last month.

So you never know

Wishing you all the best for Monday..x

We can hand hold every day on MN!
I suspect there are even MN people about during all hours of the night if you feel the need.
You are bound to wobble.Who wouldnt.
Good posts above.
And good luck and prayers for next monday.

Just want to say, your reactions are normal, no-one in RL will judge you.

Blessings to you and yours EM xx

Oh, you poor thing, that sounds so stressful and scary.

I don't really have any wise words, just wanted to let you know that your reactions sound beyond normal (hell, I think it's pretty impressive you were even IN Sainsburys, pretty sure many wouldn't be able to function on that level).

Is there anything you can do to ease the pressure a little? How about doing online grocery shopping if it's available where you live? You can save everything in your account and just click a couple of buttons to re-order. Of course, maybe for you getting out of the house is a bit of respite.

We're thinking of you x

Another hand to hold here Jackie. I'll even let you dig your nails in a bit if you like x

Thank you so much everyone - am reading and taking on board but just finding coherent responses difficult to come up with. Don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciating the time and thought they have put in to reading and replying.

You don't need to write coherent responses, OP. We're still here for you x

You don't need to respond, honey.

One of us will keep this thread bumped up this board for the next 2 weeks at least and it'll be on the opening page whenever you feel that you want to read it or add to it.

And, as amillion has said, this shop's open 24/7 - when the Brits go to bed the Yanks are looking forward an evening's mumsnetting and the Ozzies are having lunch before checking out what's happening here.

You and yours will be the recipients of thoughts and prayers from all around the world - they'll pack a punch and you'll feel them holding you up.

another hand and some prayers here: life's a bit busy so i won't be posting much but will be here, promise.

Good morning, honey, and I hope you and your dh got a decent night's sleep.

Your thought for today is 'Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles is not a realist'

Good Morning.

This is a really difficult thing your family is going through. You are allowed to cry and lean on friends at times like this. You need to have support to help you support your family (pull on your own oxygen mask first!) Its okay for you to be sad and scared.

You are putting a lot of extra pressure on yourself to be handling this in a particular way. Extra pressure you really don't need at the moment. Its okay for your children to see that you are sad and anxious, that's how they feel too and it okay to express those feelings by having extra hugs that might be a bit wet with tears. Give yourselves permission to feel sad, once you've experienced the emotion it'll lose its overwhelming feeling and you'll have more space for hope and bravery. If you keep trying to bottle it up it'll keep spilling over in Sainsburys.

Look after yourself. If you had a friend going through this, you wouldn't want her to be alone dealing with all this. Its not about pity, its about letting friends be supportive.

If any of that is too much to think about just now, then don't worry about it. Just keep posting here about how you feel. You aren't alone

Gosh, I think you are doing wonderfully!
It is so hard to be the one who has to 'hold it all together'.
In your position I would be a nervous wreck!
I am sending positive vibes to you all. Do you have some good RL support? If not, where are you in the country? Bet we could muster some up.

Hi ladies, I'm feeling stronger today, probably because I've had to get on and do "Monday". And definitely because of all the kind wise words you threw at me yesterday. You will never know how much I appreciated the fact that total strangers took the time to think and care about me and mine.

Yesterday was unchartered territory for me, I don't usually feel so close to the edge, but I was barely hanging on until you lot came and pulled me back. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but that's really how I feel. And I will let you know what happens, as and when. Thank you again.

I'm glad you're feeling better today OP.

It sounds like it's going to be a hard road but we're here if you need us, any time.

Thanks yellow - i've just seen that you're having problems of your own to contend with, so hope that all works out for you too.

Thanks JackieandJudy

If you drop any more apples in Sainsbury's, pick 'em up and start juggling in the aisles

And know that when you're spinning those plates as you walk the tightrope you've got a safety net here, but we've got no intention of letting you fall.

Another one here joining for the hand-holding and bumping the thread. Don't worry about replying to us - just try and look in each day and read how many people are thinking about you and supporting you.

As for the apple incident, I was once where you are and I burst into tears outside Tesco because I couldn't push the trolley up a little curb. (Shopping on my own whilst DH was seriously ill.) Oh I was usually 'all-together' like you, did all the caring and kept life together on an even keel. That trolley caught me at a very vulnerable moment and I stood in the car park sobbing! A very kind couple came over and asked what was wrong. They must have thought I was 'mad' when I said, "I can't get my trolley up the kerb". In two shakes, up it went and then they stood with me whilst I explained that my husband was seriously ill and I had just had a momentary melt-down.

If it helps, I took a day at a time. If you can, don't focus on next Monday..... focus on TODAY. Make sure that every day has a highlight that is special. I did 'favourite meals' as one of my 'daily happy specials'. Also, nominate an hour or two each evening to soak in a bubble bath (with soothing music) and unwind. If you want to cry then, let it out. You will get out of the bath, dry yourself off and wipe your tears away, find yourself invigorated and ready to get on with the next special day.

I send you my prayers and a very un-MN hug.

Another one amazed that you are still out and about!

I have had panic attacks in supermarkets and have often abandoned my trolly and run outside to throw up, sob and generally quiver in the car

How you are feeling is absolutely normal in the circumstances. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can. AND THAT IS FINE.

well done, keep on going. Wobble when you need.

Just checking in to see if OP needs any over-night hand-holding.

I will be up for another 3 hours ......................

Handing your thread over to the early birds with a bump, JandJ

OP, I had a panic attack on Sunday because I have a cast on. Now that's a silly thing to lose it about. Your reactions on the other hand are totally normal.
I don't have any advice, I can only imagine what you're going through, but I'll gladly hold hands, if you'd like.

Morning JandJ. Hope you are coping okay.

Today's thought is 'A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow'.

Plan a good day for you and yours, honey

hi Op . the sun is shining here. hope you are managing to live life in the moment

Just to let you know it's ok and completely normal to feel the way you do in such a situation. Thinking about you and yours, and sending lots of positive vibes and good wishes. Just take one little step at a time, triumph in the little achievements and allow yourself time to cry as others have said. Be gentle with yourself. Hope you are managing to cope today.

Hi jackieandjudy, No advice to offer, just some love to send
<<<<holds hands tight>>>>

Oh you're all so lovely and supportive, I can't believe how many thoughtful and caring people there are out there. You're all being so nice and you don't know me even - how did you all get to be so wise? And don't say"age" cos I'm old and it hasn't happened to me yet!

Anyway, we're going out for dinner tonight (all of us), as dh wants to have a nice family episode/event to help us ( think "us" = me really) focus on the good, not the bad. So i'm going to try very hard not to cry and spoil things. I will remember all the wise words on here and be brave .

Enjoy yourself tonight, throw caution to the wind and order everything from the fattening sections with lots of lovely wine.

And if you cry, so what?

How nice is DH? What a sweetie x

That sounds very much like a plan to me - save the tears for tomorrow and have a great time tonight.

Oh, it's back . Couldn't find the thread for a while there, didn't like the thought of losing all those words of wisdom.

Didn't see the thread on Sunday, and have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that someone else has read and is thinking of you all, admiring your strength and courage and hoping Monday goes well

Well i didn't cry, I did laugh, quite loudly, however at ds2! Ds1 has just got back from Cypress, and decided that dinner was a good time to tell us about the toilet arrangements which are peculiar (I think) to the Mediterranean. Ds2 didn't quite hear him, and so I tried to explain by saying "they use bins". Cue ds2 saying, very loudly:

"Eww that's disgusting, they poo in bins!"

Couldn't explain what I'd actually meant until I got the laughter under control. Didn't help either that ds2 is particularly loud, and he picked a quiet moment for his exclamation.

Thank you OlymPicture, I do feel so much better than I did on Sunday, mainly because of lovely word and thoughts of mn.

Just popped in to say although I have just been lurking, your experiences have touched me.
Well done for keeping it together, and brilliant DS comment made me laugh too.
How is DH feeling?

Good morning from the hill. .....thoughts are with you as ever and hoping that you can focus on good things today because each day has enough trouble of it's own.
with love

Good afternoon JandJ. I am glad that you had a lovely time with the family. Well done DS2 for making you laugh. In fact, for making us all laugh!

Where's Izzy with her thought for the day?

Hello JandJ
I'm in the same place, my dh has had chronic ill health all the time I have known him. When I first met him, I really didn't think we'd have that many years together. Most of the time over the years, I have been okay. His medical condition is there, sort of parked in my head, if you know what I mean. But there are times when things have become more acute, that it comes out of it's parking space and is right there in front of everything. It literally reduces me to a heap of quivering jelly.
I've been lucky, I have one or two good friends I can speak to and just 'dump' they have all been prepared to listen and just let me say what i have to and cry it out.
Then I get back on with life with our children. Coping with their anxieties has been the hardest. All of them adore him and worry about him not being there to share their lives.
But you know what the years have rolled by and he has got through some acute phases, the treatment for the condition that we now know has caused the problem (and 5 of the 6 kids have inherited) have improved enormously.
He has survived emergency and planned surgery and we have changed our diet and lifestyle and he limited the decline.
He's still here with me, now aged 63, something I never, in my wildest dreams thought possible. The children are all grown and treat him with such tenderness, it makes my heart sing to watch them enjoying each others company.
He has to pace himself and rest up lots but we take every day as it comes and enjoy our time together.

I hope the outcome for you is as good as we have had it. I hope the op went well.
I wish you all you wish for yourselves.

Here I am dear widow - hopefully, better late than never.

Julie's wonderfully uplifting post seems to have made a thought for the day (or afternoon as it is now) redundant but here's one which, although I'm sure has been quoted on this board before, seems particularly apt:

"It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

A brilliant post from Julie. Thanks for sharing such a positive and up-lifting story. You and your entire family sound remarkable.

Izzy, I do like your thought for the day. Thank you. I hope JandJ takes some comfort from today's posts.

Yes, lots of comfort. And I'm still in awe of all the wise supportive people that hang out here. Thank you Julie for posting, your story is beautiful, and if we make it that far, I will be everlastingly grateful. I'm so glad things turned out the way they did for you, and your dc sound wonderful.

I do have rl friends who know our situation, but I hate being the centre of attention - I'd rather be the helper than the helpee if you see what i mean. I find myself always playing the situation down or just not mentioning it, although my friends are very kind and willing to help. I have this fear of depending on people or having people feel sorry for me so it' easier to 'deal' what it.

Only I wasnt dealing with it earlier this week which is why I turned to you ladies (I'm assuming you're all ladies, apologies if not!). And I'm so glad I did because you have been amazing. I really mean that. I don't know what I was expecting but certainly not so much wise kind and caring advice. I feel so much stronger than I did at the weekend and here is the only place I've been talking about it, so it stands to reason that its from here that my strength has come.

and from inside you jackieandjudy, because you are and will remain an awesome woman!

Oh fool, now you're just trying to make me blush! But thank you. Are you somewhere abroad by the way (just being nosey)?

I am doing one more bump before I go to bed JandJ. I will be here for another hour if you need a chat and then the MN mornihg shift will be around.

I am so looking forwrd to Izzy's daily thought for today! They keep me going!!!!

Good morning JandJ. Today's thought is one that many act on without thinking about it and that is to:

'Know your limitations and then defy them'

Hi Jackie, I'm really enjoying izzy's thoughts for the day too (better than the twaddle on radio 4!).

No advice (I'll leave that to the experts) just checking in really to give you a virtual ~~~neckrub~~~ and a

no...not abroad...suffering the endless rain like the rest of the uk...in fact where I live we are in danger of becoming a small island in the North Sea!

hope you are ok just now.

Hi j&j, just wanted to add my hand of support and to send strength to you all x

Apropos of a recent thread on AIBU where the OP stated that she could 'only use her own toilet' any lack of lavatorial capacity, so to speak, to dispose of used or unused toilet paper appears to be peculiar to the Greek islands.

It is to be hoped that this clarification will prevent anyone jetting off to other destinations in and around the Med paying excess baggage to transport their own bin

It's also to be hoped that this subject won't give rise to any debate of the notable absence of a toilet bowl in some French loos...

um...any one else confused???

Hi lovely people, this thread has become one of the most important parts of my day - is that strange? In such a short time I've come to really look forward to seeing what you all have to say, and taking comfort from the kindness of strangers. izzy, your lavatorial post made me laugh - I seem to have missed that thread on aibu so I'll try and hunt that down later.

Not such a good day today in J&J land I'm afraid . Hospital rang this morning to say that they have to postpone the operation due to lots of emergencies. The two surgeons who are planning to operate on dh only work together on Mondays, so I'm guessing there will be at least a week's delay, if not more. Dh's renal team are not happy so I don't know if they will be able to do anything - if there are no beds, there are no beds would be my guess.

Dh is truly amazing - he has been ill since his early twenties (mid forties now) but is one of the few people I know who does truly count his blessings. He had to retire due to ill health about four years ago, but had always wanted to become a barrister. Once he'd retired, he found himself too ill to take on a physically demanding job, but not ill enough to give up and give in. So he decided to go for his long held dream and now has a place at bar school in September (have I outed myself now?!) He is so desperate to survive (obviously) so he can get on and do something he now wishes he'd done twenty years ago. I often wish that it was me, not him, who was ill -he is a much better person than I am and has so much more to offer up, life seems so unfair sometimes. But if when he pulls through, he's going to need time to recuperate so the delay has really been a tough blow for him. Still, perhaps the situation re beds will change tomorrow or over the weekend.

One of the good thing that happened today (at least, I think it was good - it did provoke a lot of tears!) was that Dh got a letter from my Mum this morning, telling him how much she loved him and how proud of him she was and how she couldn't have wished for someone better for her daughter. They've always been fans of each other, those two, but it was still very touching to see it in writing.

I think I need to do bedtime now, I can hear steadily increasing shouting - so thanks again, and I hope all is well in your worlds!

Just thinking that I've made dh sound too good to be true! He can be a bloody pain in the arse at times as well

Hello J&J. You sound amazing, all of you. I have just finished the first year of a Law degree and I know it's bloody hard work. Your dh should be very proud of his achievements, I don't know that I could have summoned up the courage to carry on if I was in his situation.

I'm sorry to hear about the postponement of the op, it must be scary as well as frustrating. I hope the hospital can sort something out for him soon. I think your Mum was lovely for writing that letter. A lot of us avoid the opportunity to say something nice when we can, I'm glad she did (I hope that doesn't sound miserable - it wasn't meant to!).

Hi JandJ, Thanks for the update. You can't do much about the bed situation but perhaps the renal team can pull some strings. Don't worry about it - just accept that it has happened. And I wonder if you can take heart from the fact that your DH is not one of the 'emergencies'.

What a wonderful thing for your DM to do. My parents always got on well with my DH (and vice versa) but I remember welling up with tears when my Dad turned to me one day and said, "I really, really like [DH]. He is one of the great guys! You couldn't have picked anyone better." I don't know what made him actually say it when he did ..... it just sort of came out of the blue.

Oh yes, and my DH could be a pain at times also - but I reckon some of us are just so fortunate to have made the right choices.

I hope you are still managing to do ONE SPECIAL thing each day. The bad news is...... you have to think of 7 more special things now that you have the delay.

We are all loving Izzy's thought for the day on your thread. I know she writes them for you, but there are a few of us taking note of them as well.

Have a good evening JandJ. I'll check in again before I go to bed to make sure you don't need any special hand-holding in the small wee hours of the morning.

Busy general hospitals always have lots of emergencies and it is to be hoped that your dh's surgeons throw their toys out of the pram are able to insist that his op is accorded the necessary status to go ahead as planned.

It seems to me that this setback calls for a thought for the night which is:

'When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in a perfect position to pray'.

I'm sure I won't be the only one praying that tomorrow brings you more welcome news than that which you received today.

By my last reckoning I haven't taken leave of my senses yet fool, and can only hope that my somewhat dilatory response to JandJ's post of Tue 17-Jul-12 21:38:31 isn't the cause of any you've experienced upthread

Here we go, JandJ, enjoy! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1515950-to-feel-too-embarrassed-to-use-any-toilet-but-my-own

While on the subject of nowt so queer as folk, there was another AIBU thread earlier this month which, as I recall, was enticingly entitled 'Loud pooing in public toilets' or some such wording.

And there was the thread a month or more back where the OP was of a mind to dispense with toilet paper in favour of cloths...

With those under your belt, you should easily be able to outdo your ds2 next time you dine out

you have the better of me there Izzy, my senses have been much overstretched and clearly my funny bone has become dislocated in the process!

Also revealing my lack of breadth on the MN boards.

And so dear souls to bed, with a prayer for better news in the morning, a plea for the beloved NHS to be allocated enough resources to serve both the emergency and the long term needs and the hope that some overnight bed manager can wave a few magic wands to provide the necessary in time.

best wishes JandJ and to you all.

Just checking in to see if JandJ is doing okay before I go to bed in an hour.

What on earth is Izzy talking about? So much potty talk on this thread.

Behave!

I am okay with the 'if life brings you to your knees.... perfect stance for praying! Gosh, I am always praying! (An overthrow from lots and lots and lots of years being educated by Catholic nuns!) I don't mean to dismiss the power of prayer .... I do still pray which is now my own personal choice.

See JandJ's post of Tue 17-Jul-12 21:38:31 on page 2, widow, and please note that I'm not usually given to toilet humour unless it's sanitary fit for the dinner table

Fwiw, I don't pray to a deity as such and what I term 'prayer' is my attempt to commune with what I consider to be All That Is in the belief that, if there is a god who made wo/man in her/his image, we are touched with the divine and are all connected at some level, as posited by Jung's theory of a collective unconscious that plays some role in manifesting our serendipitous encounters/moments.

Faith may move mountains, but the power of thought can create, move, and demolish, mountain ranges in our minds in an instant. That's not a thought for the day, btw, it's merely one of my ramblings musings

Okay Izzy, I read that post twice and I have no answer

I am just checking in to see if JandJ is okay over-night. I think all in the JandJ household is as good as can be expected and she is getting some sleep.

You may have gathered from another thread that I get my LN tomorrow for 9 days. I am taking him on a week's holiday on a narrowboat. But how on earth do you feed a child 9 days' of healthy meals when he only has a repetoire of 8 things he likes? I was only supposed to have him for 3 days this time, but SIL is really at the end of her tether!

How many times do we advise posters to seek RL support.... so I have stepped up to the plate and said I will have LN for 6 extra days so that SIL (a widowed single Mum) can re-focus on herself. LN is an intelligent 12 yo boy who has been so empowered by his counselling sessions that he is difficult to live with at the moment.

I might have to have my own thread on 29th.....you never know! Seriously - we'll be fine!

I'll tootle to my bed now and catch up with you all tomorrow.

JandJ - Take care.

SWpretend that you have forgotten what he likes...my experience of the children i look after (not mine) is that they will surprise you by eating all sorts of things that appear on the table if they are away from home, with someone else and hungry!!

JandJ all good thoughts to you for this day

now I'm off to relocate my funny bone and will be back later on.

There can only be one thought for today:

'Pressure makes diamonds'

Ooooh - I am loving that thought Izzy.

Aww your poor DH, OP.

I hope everything goes OK. Keep positive and always here to talk.

How you both doing today j&j?

Just giving the thread a little bump so that JandJ can find it this evening.

I hope you have had a good day today JandJ. Did you do a special thing?

Just seen this thread J & J. Hope you and your family have a happy weekend together - and get to enjoy some sunshine.

Evening all, so nice to find you here - and thanks to newcomers for support and kind words too. Thanks for the toilet themed links izzy, will read shortly! sadwidow - forgive me if I'm presuming too much or opening up a painful topic for you, but when/how did you lose your dh? I'm trying to push all those sorts of thoughts out as soon as they rear their ugly heads, but I did have a major panic in the middle of the night last night. If ds3 hadn't somehow appeared in my bed, I think I would have jumped out and run to my lovely thread! All ok in bright light of day though.

Nothing much to report today other than Monday seems to be definitely off. I can't imagine anything much will happen tomorrow, hospitals seem to be all but shut down at the weekends. But dh has been the emergency many times himself, so I'm not complaining too much that we now have to concede to someone whose need is greater. But I do really hope the op can go ahead the following Monday or else I may have no nails left, and that will be the least of my worries!

I must say that we have had such great value from the NHS, and have met some incredible people who'se dedication and empathy defies belief. Lots of bad things have happened to us, but so have lots of wonderful things too, which totally re-confirm your faith in human nature! (However, if you were the nasty man in the post office collection office today please note, I do not currently include you in the good camp!)

Here's hoping everyone has a great Saturday.

I don't mind you asking at all JandJ but I have been so careful not to use the words 'terminally ill' so as not to frighten you. I guess the username gave it away .... duh (slaps self round the head!)

You will soon realise why I am sitting on this thread holding your hand and trying to tell you what I did to get through each day.

I lost my DH 11 years ago when I was 46 years old. He was a teacher, I worked nationally. When I came home from working away one Friday, he told me that when he walked up the stairs earlier, he had to sit down at the top to rest. He felt severe back pain. So off to the Chiropractor we went and he felt some relief. 2 days later, he couldn't walk far again..... so back to the chiropractor we went again. This time, the CP looked at me and said "I don't think this is skeletal".

Anyway, I took him to the GP and he was sent to hospital that day (28th May). He was first diagnosed with Guillain–Barré syndrome which was worrying in itself but had a good prognosis long-term. Two weeks later, after a lot of jumping up and down from me, I got the hospital to do an MRI scan. He had Stage 4 Lung Cancer and nothing could be done. He had 2-4 weeks to live.

So we cried together, looked at 'the end' and got our affairs in order. Once we knew that we had talked about and sorted everything ..... we got on with living every day at a time. We decided that if we kept focussing on 'the end' then we would lose TODAY.

So we had him sent home from hospital and we dealt with DH's illness OUR WAY. In between the bed baths, the oxygen, the insulin injections and his morphine, every day had a 'special outing' and a 'special meal' in it. I would dress DH and hoist him into his wheelchair and off we jolly well went! He would tell me where he would like to go - what he wanted to see one last time. I even hired a van and persuaded 4 burly men to lift him in his wheelchair into the back so that he could visit his favourite pub one last time.

We laughed, we joked, we hugged and cuddled. After I had wiped his bum, or given him his meal, or sorted out his 15 pillows, I would always say "I love you. Do you love me too?" His wry smile would cross his face as he said, "No.... I love you three". You see, every day was a blessing. It was one more day that we got to spend together.

And, we got more than our 2-4 weeks. He lived until 19th August. He died gently in my arms and his last words were, "I love you three".

Now I hope that hasn't upset you. It really was the 'focusing on each day that got us through'. I hardly remember the 24/7 nursing care I did. I just remember the chats we had as I pushed him along, and his smiley face when I gave him one of his special home-cooked meals. I remember how he would grab my hand as I walked past his bed; or he would stroke my hair as I was changing his oxygen cylinder.

The sorrow I have today is because I had so much joy yesterday.

sadwidow, thank you so much for sharing that. I do have tears in my eyes, yes, but they're tears of admiration at the way you coped, of sadness that you lost someone with whom you shared what sounds like a very special relationship, and tears of awe at your, and your dh's, bravery. You both sound like amazing people, who know/knew what the important things in life were/are. I'm glad you had that love, and I'm sorry it ended in the way it did. And thank you once again for sharing your hard found wisdom and sad experiences with me.

I do try to focus on each day, so does dh (more so than me because he's better at seeing the bigger picture), but I'll try even harder now having read your post. xx

JandJ - just read this right the way through (have been on holiday so missed this one), I hope that the op isnt postponed for too long and that you stay focused. You have had some great support on here.

sadwidow - your story brought a tear to my eye. We lost my aunt aged 65 to lung cancer last December, she lasted just over 12 months from diagnosis after chemo (was given 3 months without it). Im glad that you shared such love with your husband, that is something truly special to hold on to.

I had 25 wonderful years with DH. Whilst neither of us wanted it to end, we were so grateful that we each had found our 'special person' who was 'the other half of ourselves'. <Trite, I know!>

He wasn't perfect - but neither am I. We made a formidable team together. If someone kicked him then I bled! And vice versa.

JandJ - you can do this!

I know what you are saying about your DH being better able to hold onto the bigger picture. On Monday June 18th when we were told (together) that the doctors had got the diagnosis wrong, I don't know how we got through the next 4 hours. I had sat by DH's hospital bedside from noon until 9pm every day for 2 weeks. When the Consultant left, I hugged him and he saw my leaky eyes. He said "No time for tears now my love." I said, "I know, I just don't want to lose you." DH said, "And I don't want to be lost, but there's nowt we can do about it now."

That day he asked me to give him some space so I drove home again, cried on my own and then went back for 6pm. He had somehow 'got his head round it'. That was when he said he wanted to come home as soon as he could and asked me if I could cope with his medication and immobility. (He couldn't walk or even shuffle himself up in the bed by this time. If he slumped off his pillows he would start to suffocate. He had to be turned every 2 hours to prevent bed sores.)

I didn't hesitate - we actually knew that we didn't want anyone else involved in 'the end'. It was going to be HIS way and I was the one who could give that to him. I learnt how to give him insulin injections (and I am needle-phobic); I flexed my muscles so that I could carry oxygen cylindars out of the chemist into the boot of my car; I learnt how to bed-bath and how to work the hoist. I had our home re-vamped for disabled access within a week so that I could get him in and out in his wheelchair.

JandJ, my DH never had a black day once he had got his head round 'the end'. Honestly, he didn't. He coped far better than I did. I think that your DH has reached 'acceptance' like my DH did. They don't give up ..... they just somehow accept that 'whatever will be, will be' far quicker than you can and I did. ("There's nowt we can do about it now").

But I organised some male carer help for an hour each evening - and I had a bubble bath and cried in silence for a few minutes and then reflected on the great day we had had.

Now, I have LN here JandJ (asleep in bed) and I am taking him on a narrowboat for a week starting tomorrow. I have been out today and bought an 02 dongle so that I can stay in touch with you. But if it doesn't work, Izzy and others will be on the thread. I just don't want you to think that if I disappear for 7 days that I have been upset about our discussion tonight. I am not. You asked the question so you were ready to hear the answer.

Take care - you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

<goes off to read the dongle manual>

Sad widow - that is lovely, not trite. I felt that way about my STBXH, that we were the other half of each other. sadly he stopped feeling it for me... I hope that means that my soulmate is still out there somewhere.....

It is lovely to hear a love story , just sorry it had a sad ending..

Skyblue - I log into your thread every day to see how you are doing. I am so glad that you and DD had a great holiday. You are truly amazing! (Apart from when you do those silly text arguments ) I don't post on your thread because I have no advice to give - but I think now that I should have posted to give you my support.

Don't feel too much sadness for me......I was loved to the last breath that my DH could muster (and I know it).

How some of you are coping with the rubbish that you have had to face from philandering men is beyond my comprehension.

<shudders>

My DH didn't have a choice about leaving me - so I have never felt rejection, humiliation, inadequacy, self-doubt. It isn't that you deserved to feel those emotions, but I see from reading lots of threads in here that it seems to be a pattern.

What both groups share are the same emotions of denial, shock, depression, anger and acceptance. It isn't a linear process, you have to re-visit some stages to 'finish them off'

You will get to 'acceptance' Skyeblue. Trust me!

I didn't reach 'acceptance' for nearly 3 years and it took a lot of counselling to get there!

Hi J and J I am new here and just stumbled across your thread. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and that I have been there....
Please feel free to PM me if you wish. I am happy to help support you in any way that I can.
Sending positive vibes xx

JandJ today is a day that might not have happened.....

much love to you and all

sad widow - thanks for the support. I feel guilty sometimes for grieving for my H because he didn't die, but I suppose the process is the same because of the sudden shock and loss in my case there was no warning that he was unhappy. I was chatting to a friends mum whose H had a form of leukaemia for fifteen years and she said it was worse for me because she had time to come to terms with it whereas I didn't. I was amazed by her saying that and very touched. It makes me feel like a fraud though.

I think people who have that wonderful love for a lifetime are very lucky and I can only aspire to finding that one day.

I wish you well.

Sorry jandj for hijack of thread!! How are you doing?

When I dip into my book of memorable quotes and sayings, it seems as if the thoughts for the day are beginning to choose themselves and this little gem leapt off the page:

'Live with no excuses. Love with no regrets'.

J & J - I hope you are today and the sun is shining where you are. I hope you get some news in the next 2 or 3 three days about your dh's op and you can start preparing yourself (again!). Your bravery is amazing - don't worry too much about middle of the night wobbles- everything seems worse then, glad your ds's arrival was timely!

SW - your words had me in tears. My dad lost his partner 17 years ago and he always said it was better than when my mum left him (for his bf) because there was only love in the end. His anger was directed at something he couldn't name, rather than a person. It's lovely that even in the face of something so painful, you have positive memories of an horrendous time and experience. I hope you enjoy your week away.

JandJ another wave from me and some thoughts and prayers for you all. Goodnight and may you sleep well and awaken refreshed.

Made sweeter by weeks of grey and dismal skies it's a gloriously sunny day here in London and I must admit to feeling distinctly envious of widow meandering along country waterways by narrowboat.

I sincerely hope her dongle doesn't fall overboard and that she's taken 'The Wind in the Willows' with her - and also that her LN is persuaded to partake of delicacies such as toad-in-the-hole on their voyage

I'll be messing about on boats in a week or so but, in the meantime, here's a thought for today:

'When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves'.

Love that one Izzy...might make it my mantra for the week.

JandJ I imagine that tonight might be a little difficult as you should have been preparing for the op and now you are living with more uncertainty (unless the dear NHS has come up trumps).

Thinking of you.

Hello all, good to find you all here. Had to go away unexpectedly yesterday as my Df, who lives couple of hundred miles away, had a fall, so apologies for not checking in sooner.

I don't know what to say sadwidow, I am speechless with admiration, honestly I am. How you coped with what you did, in the way you did, is just amazing. It's all very well saying you coped because you had to, but so many people sink not swim. You not only swam, you swam to olympic standard (topical if nothing else!). Have a wonderful time on the barge with your LN (little nephew?) and don't fuss with your dongle too much! Just enjoy some relaxing time away, hopefully in the sun. And I hope I haven't stirred up too many unhappy memories for you, maybe just some happy ones about what was obviously the exceptional relationship you and your Dh had.

I know what you mean about the other person getting their head around things much better. Dh says that it must be harder for me than him, as he has no choice and just has to get on with it. He's very pragmatic about it all and I daresay if it wasn't for his bravery, I would have become more of a quivering wreck years ago! Skyeblue, I don't know what your situation is, but just going from what you have said upthread, it sounds like you, too, have had a shit time. I hope things get better for you.

To the rest of you who have offered kindness and care, thank you again. I'm hoping that tomorrow, or perhaps Tuesday, we will hear when the op has been re-scheduled for, and please let it be for next Monday. I will keep you posted. Izzy, your thoughts for the day are lovely, when I have a chance I'm going to write them all down somewhere and put them on the fridge!

Have a good week everyone, and keep safe and healthy.

fool, I did have a little wobble earlier, you're right, but fine now, thank you.

Hi, hope you are ok today and hear some news. In the meantime I hope you and yours can enjoy the sunshine a bit. You sound like a lovely person

I hope that your df has recovered well from his fall, JandJ, and that you receive welcome news with regard to another date for your dh's op.

As the logistics of scheduling a planned op are not rocket science, I sincerely hope you won't settle for anything less than a date that is inscribed on tablets of stone.

Today's thought may be somewhat disconcerting for some, but I find it oddly reassuring as it seems to me that it exhorts us to carpe diem.

'Uncertainty is the only certainty there is and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security'.

Actually Izzy, that makes perfect sense to me. I had a breakdown in the late 90s and suddenly trying to control everything became very important to me. That made life almost impossible, not only for me but also family and friends. Letting go of that was scary but the best thing I have ever done.

By nature I am a planner but I have found that life cannot be planned and, whilst I still make an effort at order, plans are there to be challenged, ditched, uprooted or turned over...usually sadly by someone else at present but perhaps one day for nicer reasons by me!!!

may you have enough certainty in your life to feel able to stand within it and enough uncertainty not to take it for granted.

Evening all, hope you've all had the weather we've had (although, in all honesty, I don't actually like it this hot ). Df fine izzy, more shocked than anything else, thankfully.

Thank you for your nice remarks lazarusb, sounds like you've had your own demons to fight in the past, and I hope your life is on an even keel now. Today's thought for the day is another good one, it's kind of "roll with the punches" I think, only put much better! You get to a stage in life when you realise that, actually, that's about all you can realistically do, there's not one of us who can control/plan/forsee the future. When Dh and I first met, he was already like that - I have learnt so much from him over the years (and naturally he would say the same about me --if I nudged him hard enough--).

No news re a re-scheduled date today. Fingers crossed we will hear something tomorrow. Spoke to my dm earlier, who told me that she and dh had had a chat yesterday, and he had told her that I was very unsettled. Didn't realise it showed so much, but I can't deny that he speaks the truth.

Fingers crossed that you hear tomorrow then. xx

I heard it was hot today, Ive been stuck in a clients office all day

sleep tight JandJ

I've been thinking about yesterday's thought and about your response, fool.

When I was young I was fearless. Consequently, it maybe took me longer than most to come to any realisation about what 'feel the fear and do it anyway' means.

I thought it was akin to having courage before performing a high dive or some such, but now I think it's about having the nerve (or should that be verve) to go into free fall and expect an invisible safety to catch you before you hit the ground.

Landing on the moon may have been one small step for mankind, but it takes one quantum leap of faith for us to become all that we can be.

Just a quick bump in the hope that some of the heavy traffic on this board in these early hours may be diverted and will add their thoughts to the small powerhouse that is rooting for JandJ and her dh.

hi JandJ: thanks to Izzy now have visions of HGVs driving through your thread!!!! Hope the Hopital calls today and that the sun keeps on shining for you.

Hi J&J, thank you for your comments too. Things are MUCH better these days. I hope you heard something today about a new date, if not, don't lose heart, I am sure there are lots of medically qualified people fighting your corner too.

Re:your dh mentioning you to your mum - I think that just goes to illustrate how well you know one another and give each other strength. You sound like you have a lovely, loving relationship.

Hi all, nice to see you! Glad things are better for you these days lazarusb And thanks to everyone for the various messages and bumps. Hope sadwidow is ok on her barge, and Pommy, sorry for not mentioning you earlier, but I did take up your kind offer to pm you.

No news again today, and I'm starting to feel upset/angry now. Dh chased his renal consultant but was unable to get hold of him, I chased one of the cardiac doctors but was also unable to get hold of him. Both have been left messages by us, so we spent most of the day waiting to hear something but with no luck. When we were told about the need for the operation, we were told how there was no time for delay and that there was no option for dh but to have the procedure. They sort of presented us with a Hobson's choice situation - either don't have the op and die, or have this very risky op and see how it goes. I understand that there are only so many beds available, but what I don't understand, is the lack of communication.

Dh has sort of resigned himself to having to postpone September's course until September 2013, unless the op happens very soon and goes very well and he recovers very quickly. My opinion is that, god willing he gets through the operation at all, we are of an age where we are too old to put things on hold for another year (mid 40's). Dh has worked so hard, and faced down all the odds, that for him to now have to forfeit another year, annoys and saddens me. Over the years, he's spent so much time in hospital and sometimes you get the impression that you (ie the patient) are no more than another cog in the wheel, and they forget that you actually have lives to lead. Incidentally, I'm not knocking the medical profession too much - as df is a doc (well, retired now) and dm a nurse.

Anyway, many apologies for the rant, feeling very unsettled today. I don't usually read too many of the other threads on here because I don't feel qualified to help at all, but I have today had a look at the thread where the dh punched the dw, and where the fiancee cheated on his wife. I feel a bit bad moaning about my really very settled life when there are poor women out there who have to deal with such arses and such awful situations, so please forgive me.

There's nothing to forgive, honey. Everyone has their own crosses to bear but some can be said to self-imposed rather than imposed on them by external means, as has been the case for yourself and your dh.

I share your frustration with the often parlous state of the NHS and can only hope that you're up to putting a much needed rocket up the right arses.

My apologies for having been extremely remiss today but, on the basis of better late than never, here's a thought for the evening/night:

'Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out'

And it's to be hoped that things will turn out just fine for you and your dh, and for everyone who is troubled in mind or body.

Can DH have a word with course organisers. Some of them will record lectures and post (or they may already be online in some form) so he could do the first few weeks from home and then catch up in person. It would seem a shame to delay for so long. If there were modules he could get permission to start in january, take the Autumn courses next year and do exams in 2014...at least he could look into it which might prove distracting if you are waiting around!

best wishes xxfool

All I can say is keep pushing - keep ringing, leave as many messages as you want. I understand your anger and frustration, which builds when you don't feel you are being listened to and supported. I think Fool has a good idea about contacting course organisers, they may be able to offer a positive solution which will make your dh's life easier in the long run. (I know my Uni has been fab this year when I was having back problems).

As for other threads - remember neither of you chose to be in this position! be grateful that your relationship is strong and happy, but don't ever feel guilty about that - it's a gift you both deserve richly

Another thought for what remains of toay:

'Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day from being realised'.

Hi all. Well we heard today that Dh's op is scheduled for 2nd August. I was a bit surprised because I thought the two surgeons involved only worked together on Mondays, but I was relieved. For about ten minutes. Now I've gone back to being on the permanent verge of tears. I keep having awful thoughts like "maybe this is dh's last week" or "this time next week he could be dead". There's no pleasing some people eh?

Dh is pleased and seems fine - although he has spent about an hour this afternoon playing old songs which he doesn't usually do. I avoided him as much as possible as couldn't trust myself not to cry. Will tell the dc tonight when they're all back from their various outings.

I'm glad the op has been scheduled and that your husband is coping. I think it's normal to be so wound up. My brother had cancer when he was younger, we're not even particularly close but I just remember being constantly on edge, especially when big dates were coming up. He's fine now.

I really hope it all goes well and that you'll keep posting.

O love (((hugs))) Take a into the bathroom and have a good wallow in the tub.

Thanks to my being in a different time zone I've been dispensing - or, as it seems to me, they've been choosing themselves - thoughts for the evening and here's tonight's:

'There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle'.

One of those miracles is that there is a procedure that may prolong and improve your dh's quality of life. Hang on to that thought, honey, and look for all of the other miracles that surround you at all times.

Thank you wise ladies - hope your brother is well now yellow?

I will try to hang on to the strong sensible thoughts izzy, and in my endeavour to do so, I have hit the gin! Where are you (if you don't mind me asking)?

He is JackieandJudy, passed the 6-year check-up recently which was the cut-off point for the cancer basically not coming back.

Like I said, we're not close at all, but it was a horrible time, very touch and go and as I wasn't a bone marrow match for him, absolutely nothing I could do.

I'm a great believer in alcohol as a strengthener of resolve, honey. Here's to you and your dh

I'm currently on the eastern seaboard of the USofA. Staying with my folks in Connecticut and enjoying a view over Long Island Sound. It's great to be home and be pampered for a while.

I usually reside in central London and I'm not planning to return to the UK until the Olimpricks are well and truly over.

It's taken some organising to get away for 6+ weeks and I intend to enjoy every second of it

Oh I'm so glad yellow. I can understand the "useless" feeling you went through, neither myself nor any of my family are suitable donors for dh.

izzy, I wish I hadn't asked you now, I'm insanely jealous! Don't blame you one bit for escaping the Olympricks (like that!) My step-dad is from USA, so we usually (dc and me, not usually dh cos of health sadly) spend lots of time over there during school hols. I hope you have a fab time - maybe you should be giving yourself a break from other people's problems and just enjoy!

Hi J&J, I'm glad that you have a date and that it isn't too far away. Your nervousness & worry is completely understandable, I think if you want to cry you should. Your dh demonstrated earlier in the week that he is well aware of your feelings anyway! Sometimes tears can be good, cleansing. I will raise a glass of vodka to you in a while!

Izzy - I'm jealous ...and I am NEVER jealous of anything or anyone!

Thank you lazarusb. I have been doing sneaky crying! The gin is doing a good job of anaesthetising (how do you sp ell that bloody word) things, but I will pay for it tomorrow. Enjoy your vodka, and yes, I'm jealous of izzy too.

For the time being I'm certainly in an enviable place but the only thing you have cause to be jealous of, honeys, is my pa's ability to make cocktails worthy of legend. I'm not a gin drinker but his Mainbrace is mouthwateringly good.

With a nod to the main event in London tonight, here's a thought for today from an Ancient Greek:

'It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult'

<<wonders why didn't think of posting thoughts before bedtime instead of after lunch. d'oh>>

so glad there is a date set, now make plans for the rest of the week and resolve to enjoy each and every one to sustain DH, you and DCs throughout the recovery period.

(and it's anaesthetize or anaesthetise except in USA where the z is always used.)

sorry pedant at large!

Hi all. izzie - can you take detailed lessons from your dad on how to make cocktails? No idea what a Mainbrace is but if it involves gin that's fine by me.

fool - I always struggle with that word, so thanks for help!

Just to let you know we are all going away tomorrow until Monday, so I probably won't post until then, but I will most definitely be bearing your wise words in mind. We're going to visit my dm as she wants to see dh before she goes away next week. Told the dc last night, they seemed fine except for dd, who has a holiday planned for a week beginning on 2nd August. Talk about sod's law! We are both telling her that we want her to go though as it has been planned for nearly a year now.

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

I've been taking notes on my pa's ability to mix a mean cocktail since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, honey, but I still can't manage to make them as good as his.

Nevertheless, here's his recipe for a Mainbrace - get ready to splice:

1 oz gin
1 oz Cointreau or other orange liqueur
1 oz grapefruit juice

NB. 1 oz is equivalent to a shot glass - size up to suit.

Half fill a cocktail shaker with ice and pour the ingredients over.

Put Dean Martin's Sway ('When Marimba rhythms start to play...') on full blast.

Shake the container with a Latino (think maracas) flourish for the first 2 verses.

Then strain the contents into a cocktail glass, and guzzle serve.

Tomorrow I'll give you the lowdown on the ultimate dirty martini

And the thought for today is:

'Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance'.

I'm in the land of zee as opposed to zed, fool. And now I'm going to get some zzzzzz's

Enjoy your break and I am glad for you to have something else to concentrate on.

Best wishes

Izzy.....sleep tight...and have one for me when Pop is next mixing it up!

No words of wisdom but just letting you know there's another here thinking of you and your man x x

Spinning off on the dancing floor....to await the thought for the wee small hours from over the pond...and just making sure the thread does not drop off the page, just in case it is needed.

Good luck for Thursday. Will keep your partner in my thoughts. If he is strong mentally I am sure he will be teasing you in a few weeks time for worrying so much

As promised, the ultimate downright mean and Dirty Martini recipe:

Put 2 teaspoonfuls vermouth into a cocktail glass and swill around the inside. Rub the rim of the glass with a wedge of lemon and squeeze a couple of drops of juice into the bottom of the glass.

Place glass in freezer to chill while you half fill a cocktail shaker with ice and pour over 2 ounces gin and 1 tablespoonful of green* olive juice - that is the brine from a jar/tin of olives.

Turn Mr Martin's 'Sway' up good and loud and shake with the usual Latino flourish for the first verse.

Remove cocktail glass from freezer, place one green olive into bottom of glass, and strain the contents of the shaker into the glass.

Salute! (with an accent over the 'e')

NB: my pa uses 'Sway' to determine the time he spends shaking his concoctions . He does a hilarious mean rumba; some years back he was quite taken with the Lambada but it played havoc with the quality of his cocktails

FWIW, pa's gin of choice for martinis is Tanqueray No.10 but that's his personal taste. I rarely drink gin but when I do I opt for Xoriguer or Bols Genever.

Tomorrow I'm switching to vodka - bloody mary soup, anyone?

*Use black olives if you wish or any colour olives plain or stuffed with whatever - pimentos are good.

Today's thought is:

'When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on '

the tag team are out today so bumping this up before I go.

Off to tie the knot that will stop me slipping....don't nobody lend a pair of shears to those who would prefer us to fall!

Good morning JandJ and everyone else on this thread. I am reporting again for bumping duty and positive thoughts - just in time for 2nd August I see. I was delighted to see that your DH has a rescheduled date.

We had a fabulous time meandering up and down the canal, picking up friends as we went and giving them a day of stress-free fun on the water in glorious sunshine. LN (yes, that IS Little Nephew) had a great time and helped with steering and mooring. He feels rather grown up now. Mind you, there was one day when he fell asleep in Dunham and woke up in Stockton Heath. I think the excitement and fresh air really knocked him out because he slept for 13 hours that day!

I call him LN because he is my youngest nephew (12 years old). My eldest nephew is 45 years old and has a 10 yo daughter himself. That's the thing with big families, the generations almost overlap. LN's daddy died 5 years ago so I have always helped his DM with child-care so that she can work and also build a new life for herself. She got breast cancer 2 years ago (she is in remission now) so he can be a challenging child after everything he has faced in his young life.

We have had 9 fabulous days together (I took him home last night). His DM had a date weekend with a new boyfriend, then spent a day on the boat with us doing her art; then she worked for 3 days; met some friends on Friday for a meal and attended a wedding yesterday. So that's how LN ended up having an unexpected holiday with me.....and my Border Collie dog who LN adores.

I am glad your DF is okay after his fall. It is worrying when they live a distance away isn't it?

Who let izzy escape to a different time zone? I turn my back for a moment and off she jolly well flew! SO we now have thoughts for the evening..... well they are equally inspirational so I will let her off.

I'll log back in later today and see if you have updated us on how things are going. Enjoy today JandJ and do something really special.

sadwidow So glad you had a good week. Quite fancy canals myself but afraid I'd crash the boat! Your family have been through some horrendous times, it's great that you can support one another in the way you do

J&J - hope your weekend is going well and you are managing to relax a bit. Thinking of you a lot. I know it sounds stupid but dh had a vasectomy this week and I worried myself silly about that God help us if anything more serious happens...I admire you greatly. I think it's right that your dd goes on holiday as planned - it adds to the 'normality' IYSWIM? Rather than add emphasis to the seriousness... I hope that makes sense?

Izzy Sounds like you are having a fab time - enjoy!

just can't resist using to bump the thread as I can't find a more appropriate use in my posts.

JandJ hope there is plenty of light and laughter around you at the moment.

I've just caught up with this thread and am (once again) delighted at the humanity which is mumsnet at its best! I only joined this year and lurk much more than I post but thought an additional comment would help the bumping. jandj one of the things which has struck me is how good your family sound, each offering the support that they can to each other. I'm sure that the 2nd feels like an insurmountable hurdle at the moment, keep running and I hope you all make it safely over to the other side.

Izzy has helped me a lot tonight and shown me this thread.

Mumsnet is a fantastic, supportive network and I wanted to show my support in your situation and send you my love and thoughts xx

Bumping this for you JandJ and lurking with love.

Welcome back, sw, and I'm so pleased that you and dn plus canine pal had such an enjoyable holiday.

Your dh has had the snip, lazar? Well done that man - what a star!

Torches, fool? They'll come in handy for shining a little light in the darkness until the sun comes out again for JandJ.

How have you been JandJ? I hope you know that even when I'm we're rabbiting on, we don't lose sight of the fact that this your thread and we're here to support you as best we can.

So, Bloody Mary Soup of which I had a large bowlful at dinner...
Back in the day, but not quite as far back as Prohibition , many States prohibited the sale of alcohol on Sundays.

In some, mainly god-fearing southern, States this ban extended to the sale of alcohol as an accompaniment to restaurant meals hence the addition of liquor to dishes such as the humble bowl of tomato soup.

In summer tomatoes or to-may-toes are cheap and plentiful and easily made into soup which can be served iced. Alternatively, use canned or buy one of the reputable ready made brands whose cartons can be found in the chill section of most supermarkets.

Chill a carton or a tureen-full for 3-4 hours in the refrigerator. When serving place 2 ice cubes in the middle of each individual bowl of soup, pour 2 shot glasses of vodka over the cubes and add a dash of Worcestershire sauce, a sprinkling of celery salt, a dash of tabasco, and black pepper. Serve with a fresh celery stick and wedges of lemon or lime and keep the condiments to hand so that you/your guests can add more to suit their taste.

In the winter months I've been known to heat up the contents of a can of tomato soup (Lidl's beats most brands), omit the ice cubes, and add vodka etc, for a bowl of quick,warming, comfort.

Today's thought is:

'To believe a thing is impossible is to make it so'

< hops onboard >

It looks like there is plenty of room on this bus. My best, best wishes to you and yours, JandJ.

Hope all is well JandJ and your weekend was a welcome, happy break. We will all be here for the next few days so just pop back when you are ready.

Hello AF, nice to see you back, hope you had a lovely holiday.

Izzy - Yes, it took him a lot to do that but frees me from another 10 years of being responsible for contraception and him from having to use condoms instead!

Nice hols, thanks, laz

As the storm clouds approach the hill and I am tucked up safe I hope that the unexpected bronze for the chaps in the gymnastics will lift spirits with you JandJ and be the harbinger of good things to come for you both.

Night all

Whenever I'm out of light-polluted London I reacquaint myself with the night sky. Tonight I was gazing at the stars of the Teapot and it bought to mind a quote from one of the US's finest thinkers.

The thought for today is:

'When it is dark enough you can see the stars'

Hi JandJ, hoping you are having a fabulous day with DH and it isn't all packing bags for the big day. I assume you will be taking him into hospital tomorrow so we will all be around in case you wobble before/on the 2nd August.

I am still loving Izzy's thought for the day. I see different ones are popping up on other threads now. That's brilliant.

Today's thought was really poignant because 'seeing the stars' was one of the last things that my DH wanted to do. We had always been great campers and would often lie on a rug looking up at the stars in awe - and chatting. So one clear night, I hoisted him out of his bed in his PJs and spread a blanket on his wheelchair. I pushed him to a grassy area and had a friend grab the otherside of the blanket to lift him out and put him on the ground. We looked at the bright stars for half an hour and felt totally invincible and full of hope (don't ask me why). We pointed out the twinkly ones to each other and just had the greatest, calmest half hour we could ever have wished for. You see, the special things of the day don't have to cost money or a lot of effort. They can be so simple but help to make your heart sing.

Its nice to see AF join the JandJ Cheering Team. And anyone can come out of lurking to keep the thread bumped.

I'll check back later to see how JandJ is doing today. I am sending really positive thoughts and lots of prayers.

Hello J & J. I hope all is ok and you aren't struggling too much. Thinking of you and yours a lot. Told dh about you last night (hope that was ok) and started crying! Your courage is admirable.

I hope you have been immersed in washing all the dirty clothes today - that's what weekends away are all about after all!

Hi everyone, lovely to come back to my thread and see all of the old timers, plus lots of lovely new people. Am touched that so many of you are thinking of us, and taking the time out of your busy lives to post. Glad you're back safely sadwidow, your family must be so proud of you, it sounds as if you are strong and dependable and very caring. I hope lots of the caring comes back your way. I bet your LN and assorted friends had a whale of a time with their fab aunty. And your stargazing story is amazing, you are incredible.

izzy , am taking note of your cocktail recipes, as soon as dh is out of the woods, I will be hitting the off license for some vital ingredients. I'm slightly worried that you're spending your holiday taking care of us all, I hope you're being spoilt too.

lazarusb - well done to you and your dh, fun times ahead now! Although I do have a friend (an actual real friend, not a friend of a friend of a friend!) whose husband's vasectomy failed first time round. He was very proud of his superhuman sperm!

fool am envious that you have the energy to go out dancing! Hope you enjoyed.

We had a great weekend, dm had arranged a family bbq for Saturday with several relations we hadn't seen for a while. She had even arranged for df to come - she and df divorced, very hostiley (don't think that's a proper word!) many years ago - which was a great surprise. Lots of laughter and reminiscing. All was very jovial until we said goodbye on Sunday when she (dm) and I dissolved into tears.

And, lovely people, I'm sorry to say that despite your best efforts, which I couldn't be more thankful for, I am in a bit of a state. I hope so much I can come back here on Thursday evening and say all went well, but at the moment, I just can't envisage it. I feel sick and haven't eaten since Sunday, and am fighting tears permanently. Am doing my utmost to hide all from dh and dc, which means avoiding them a lot, but I'm being so pathetic. I've never been like this with all the things we've undergone in the past. I read everyone's wise words, and izzy's thoughts for the day and take a deep breath, and for about ten minutes I'm strong. Then I've dissolved again. In all honesty, I don't think I will be anything approaching normal until Thursday and possibly the weekend, is over.

I'll try and post tomorrow, but if not, will update you all as soon as I can. In the meantime, can I say again, how amazing all the support you've given has been, and how I'm sure I would have gone totally under without knowing you were all here. x

But you don't always have to be strong...sometimes all you can do is hang on to the cliff face with your finger nails and keep praying that all will be well.

Every time you manage to do one ordinary thing to keep you, DC and DH fed watered, clothed, together that is bravery and that is coping and that is enough.

The future is unknown, we just ask for enough strength to get through each moment. This is my prayer for you.

For your DH it is for the best possible outcome and the least possible trauma and the fastest possible recovery.

Good luck for tomorrow, OP.

Let us know how your partners op goes. Hope your trip away was pleasant

Thursday why did I think today was the 1st? bangs head.

I am hoping to hear good news on Thursday evening OP!

I've been on MN for about a year, and only ventured a bit of inane posting recently.
I found your thread tonight JandJ, and am slack-jawed and bowled over at your bravery and sensitivity and generosity.
Another one here hoping for the best news for your family this week.
Big hug to you, I will be thinking of you.
And I wish we had a [huge respect] emoticon which I would liberally plaster all over this thread to the posters who have shared themselves and their stories.

JandJ, it is okay to go into a bit of a melt-down you know. I found that I had the cleanest bathroom on the planet because that was my 'bolt-hole' when I felt the leaky eyes start. I would run into the bathroom and start cleaning it so that nobody knew I had had a wobbly moment.

Even if you don't get back here until Thursday night, we will keep up the good vibes, positive thoughts and tons of prayers for you, your DH and family.

Don't you worry about me, honey. I'm being thoroughly spoilt and it never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can become accustomed to not having to lift a finger

My pa is working on a very special cocktail recipe just for you and every alcoholic beverage we now partake of is prefaced by 'Here's to JandJ and hers - their continued good health' and will be until your dh is safely out of the woods.

The thought for today comes from another late great American:

'When everything seems to be against you remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it'

A good morning bump for JandJ in case she needs to find her thread later today (I am still assuming that her DH will be admitted today to prepare for tomorrow's op).

Great thought for the day again izzy.

Great idea izzyizin. Can we offer names for the cocktail? I'm going with 'Hope on a Rope'

Sending you loads of holding-firm thoughts JandJ, but they're right, tears aren't a sin! When they escape, I hope they heal you enough to carry on. Thinking of you and you DH through Thursday and onwards.

Hi J and J - good to hear from you. Just a quick point - the vasectomy failing is NOT an option, thank you very much!

Glad you had a good weekend. Please don't think you are weak for crying and finding this so hard. Anyone in your position would be struggling with this, it's huge! Lots of us struggle with a lot less tbh and we don't feel bad about that! Pathetic is the very last word that could be used to describe you, not just at present but all the time I suspect.

I am certain that in the next day or so you and yours will rarely be away from the thoughts of a lot of people on MN, even if they are just lurking. If the power of positive thought can help, you have a lot on your side

Just take today and tomorrow hour by hour, try and eat a little if you can, half a banana or a small sandwich. Sending lots of love and best wishes your way x

Just found this thread and read it all!!

All the best for you and DH. Will be thinking of you.

hi JandJ best wishes and lots of love.

Thinking of you and your H today. Not long to go now, don't worry about being strong. Let yourself experience all the feelings you need to.

Bumpety bump in case JandJ needs to find her thread tonight.

It is looking like DH has been admitted today ready for the op tomorrow.

Hope so, preops need to be ready for the long haul in theatre.

Thinking of you all JandJ.

Thinking of you all

Thinking of you and yours JandJ xx

Hi all, quick post while dh dozes! Thanks again for the thoughts.

We rang hosp this morning as instructed to be told no beds, ring again at one. Did so and told to come on in. Didn't know whether to feel relieved or not, and seeing dh and dc say goodbye was awful, everyone very tearful. Got here at 3, but only admitted about forty mins ago. Dh asked the nurse what time he was going down tomorrow to be told "you're only here for tests".

God, i've never seen anyone so crestfallen. Any test you can name, he's had it in weeks leading up to original date of admission. So now waiting for doc to appear to find out what's happening. He's mighty upset and says its not fair to have put me and dc through all the angst of past few days and today's parting. I still haven't eaten since Sunday (mind you, could do with losing few pounds!) cos feel sick. I, too, will be gutted if this is put off again.

Apologies for staccato like style of posting, am posting live from the ward!

Oh, JandJ I am so horrified at what you're all going through. I know that in hospitals not everyone knows the ins and outs of your situation but when a family is in your position you'd think that messages might get passed on better between staff and to you. I do so hope the doctor appears soon and has some proper news. You are being so strong and your DH so thoughtful about you all when he's every right to be a bit selfish. What a family! You are truly amazing.

I hope you don't mind prayers. I can't help it. One of them is for a little appetite to squeeze in some food for you. Keep coming back. There are people all over the world behind you every step of the way. I'm in NZ and can be here all night for you if you need me. ( Work will just have to live with it)!

Don't worry too much about what a nurse have told you but feel free to raise hell with the doctors and with the hospital managers, honey.

Someone needs to feel the angst you've been living with since they summarily cancelled your dh's op last week.

How bloody annoying, I hope you get some sense out of somebody about the operation.

but having a bed is a good thing. Inpatient beds are hard to come by and this may be the teams way of securing DH a bed for the next operating list....dragging out the preop tests can make sure that you are in for the scheduled procedure.

it's a rubbish way of playing the system but sometimes needs must with a seriously stretched NHS

As fool has said, your dh has got a bed - and I'm sure there'd be no shortage of mumsnet volunteers to turn up with placards and occupy it until your h gets the op he needs.

Just say the word, and when you're talking to hospital managers mention investigative journalists and the tabloid press.

In fact, mention that you'll post your story on mumsnet where it will be picked up by a journalist and they may find that they're on the receving end of negative publicity.

Just being here as evening turns to night. Hope you've got some answers and that everyone is right about the bed being significicant.

JandJ, I will do the night shift with Homebird8

Call in here if you need to chat - I'll bump the thread every hour or so.

I will get my extra speshully Rosary beads out now and do a full decate. (I make no apologies for my faith because prayers can't harm you even if you yourself don't believe in the power of prayers. Take them as simply positive and loving thoughts.)

Just found and read this whole thread JandJ, you clearly have an amazing group of supportive hands to hold already but I wanted to give you an overnight bump if you need it.

Wishing you the news you want regarding the op and every luck in the world going forward. Miracles do happen, mine is sleeping like the proverbial in the next bedroom

Where's julienoshoes? She was so remarkable in her empathy at the beginning of this thread. I hope she and DH are okay.

I have done a whole Mystery of the Rosary so far (I did the Joyous one - I am saving the Miraculous Mystery for tomorrow night )

If there are any lurkers reading this thread - please post a good wish for JandJ. She needs all the support that we can muster.

Lurking briefly as came across this via another post. Sending love, luck and light. You are in my thoughts. M x

Hard at work and dropping in for a quick tea break. I'm brewing up, fancy one? And a biccie? There you go

Tea for me please ....milk and no sugar. Thank You!

Just read and wasnted to wish you all well. Hospitals can be so frustrating - sorr its not been straight forward.

Extra wishing you well this evening

Best wishes and very positive thoughts to you and yours JandJ.

I have been lurking on this thread as I didn't feel I had anything useful to add compared to the other wise posters but I want you to know there are probably many like me here on MN silently sending our thoughts to you and your family, not just when we read the thread but throughout the days and nights out here in 'the real world'.

Best wishes to you all from the silent contingent

OP Sincere best wishes to you all. x <3

J&J - I've only just seen your thread, I read all of your posts (but only a few replies) and I'm now sitting here crying with you. It's not fair is it I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and I hope the nurse was wrong... the last thing you need is more waiting around and it's not fair of them to say it needs to be done now, then mess you around for a month, it's just not. Hang in there lovely - we're all there with you x

Sending you some nice crumbly cookies JandJ (goodness, I've turned into a feeder!). Those hospital biscuits can only be described as 'somewhat disappointing' but worth forcing down if you can. As for the tea, which always tastes of soup and is lukewarm at best... Yikes!

I wish you happy tea times at home en famille with wholesome cake and sandwiches of naice ham

Oh, and a couple of those cocktails for you and DH when the sun goes down.

Bumpety bump.

I am hoping that you are getting some well-deserved sleep before the anxiety of tomorrow JandJ.

Bumpety bump again.

I think your thread is staying near the top now but I will check again in an hour.

More prayers being sent.

Hoping you've found a place to lay your head JandJ. With Sad's prayers and mine you'll keep your strength, the surgeons will find a slot and have great success, and you'll be able to plan again.

Sweet and sustaining dreams. Tomorrow is another day.

Bumpety bump,

More prayers coming your way.

Good morning to all the early birds of the UK crowd. Hoping that some of you are up and can keep JandJ company through today.

At the time that I'm putting my fingers on the keyboard to add to your thread it's 4 minutes past the witching hour for me, and throughout yesterday and last night I was giving some consideration to appealing to one or two of the other more general boards for more thoughts and prayers for you and yours, JandJ.

But something, someone?, compelled me to take another look at all assembled here and I saw all of the old and new friends gathered here, and the new friends to come out of lurking, as being all you need as, Bette Midler sang, to be the wind beneath your wings.

We will lift you off the ground, honey. Believe it. As I told you at the beginning, this is your thread and it seems to me that what you've got here - what you have facilitated and enabled entirely through your action in reaching out in blind faith, blind hope, or by pure chance or in utter despair, is the means for a group of disparate strangers to be drawn together in a common cause, and that cause is the welfare and wellbeing you and your dh.

You've given us the opportunity to validate ourselves; to show that we can put aside the trials and tribulations of the everyday to join together in unity, a demonstration that like attracts like, and that the power of positive thinking is a force for good to be reckoned with and, on behalf of all of us, I thank you for that

In amongst the assorted and somewhat diverse thoughts for day that I've dispensed on your thread over the past couple of weeks are a couple of quotes from one of my distant relatives, or more properly a twig on the family tree distant relative through marriage way before my dgps' generation.

I was saving another of their gems for today but I'm now moved to flit around your thread with a virtual Dyson and hoover up all of the varied thoughts of the past couple of weeks, and put them here in one place so that you can choose any or all of them to be your mantra today and in the days to come - but please rest assured or discombobulated that my huge sack little book of memorable quotes, which I first began to compile when I realised the significance of said distant relative on the world stage, is by no means exhausted and this means that <<groan now or forever hold your peace >> there will be more to come.

So here they are in all their Olympian glory:

Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles is not a realist

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow

It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain

Know your limitations and then defy them

When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in a perfect position to pray

Pressure makes diamonds

Live with no excuses. Love with no regrets

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves

Uncertainty is the only certainty there is and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security

Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out

Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day from being realised

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle

To believe a thing is impossible is to make it so

When it is dark enough you can see the stars

When everything seems to be against you remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it

Anyone who elects to cross stitch any/all of these pearls of wisdom on a sampler or cushion cover is a better woman than I am, Gunga Din. And if my trusty but virtual Dyson has omitted to release a quote or two, I hope that a mechanic one of you will persuade the machine to disgorge it.

In faith, love, and solidarity, we will prevail, JandJ.

Dear JandJ,

we don't really expect you to be able to post just now, but be assured that there are so many people wishing you and yours well. Here on the hill we have remembered you in our prayers and will continue to do so.

may the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face to shine upon you and be merciful to you, may the lord turn his face towards you and give you peace.

Oh, fool, I sang this for JandJ today. It's a blessing we sing on all important occasions and it always brings comfort and hope.

Still here for you JandJ.

I'm here too. Just read through and wanted to add my love, support and prayers.

Together with all the friends on this thread and the many more like me who have been lurking this week, I send all good wishes and prayers to you and yours.

I am here again, wishing you all the blessings in the world. I will pray very hard today so that your DH comes through the operation successfully and recovers with as little trauma as possible. We are holding your hand as ever JandJ and we will keep you both in our thoughts to give you the strength you need to face such a difficult time.

I am back here to give my thoughts to you at the moment. I hope your DP is absolutely fine. I have you in my hearts and thoughts at this difficult time. All the love and support from LOT5R and family here x

You are in my thoughts too. All love xxx

I too have felt compelled to come out of "Lurkdom" to offer my love, support and prayers, to you and your family. I believe that the way your very brave DH, and your DC`s are handling everything, is undoubtedly down to your example of total love and devotion. I pray that you all find peace.

Back again to send my best thoughts and hope that your dh has been able to go to theatre today and not have this postponed again. You (apart from not eating) are still dealing with this horrendous level of stress with dignity and strength and that is to be admired.

Update on my dh which I hope will make you smile (after vasectomy last week) - he is now complaining about having to wear cycling shorts for a week as he has developed a fungal infection. I had to buy him some Canesten cream today! He sat on the settee last night looking like a sad sack saying 'I need you to look after me' very morosely I don't what he wants me to do - I made the dinner! Methinks I should have gone to classes on how to be a good and sympathetic wife!

Bumpety bumping the thread for JandJ tonight.

Still praying and still thinking about you and DH.

Come on lurkers - please get those positive thoughts posted! Thank you.

Well, if we're all delurking...

JandJ, you probably have no idea quite how many people are thinking of and rooting for you and your DH today - sending you love and support.

Any more news on what they are going to do today?

JandJ you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you could tangibly touch the love and support sent your way through the 'ether' and hope it helps keep your strength up x

I don't know if we'll ever understand them lazarusb. They come over all 'little poorly voice' with a bit of nappy rash, and then, when there's real reason like JandJ's DH, out pop the 'putting others first - frog turns into a prince' instincts giving everyone the chance to stand in the streets cheering.

JandJ I'm cheering already for the lovely family you are. So glad you found your prince and am standing by waving the banner of hope for you all. I'll be with you all night again. Hold strong and know that we are all here sending all our love and support and hopes for everything you need.

I hope all is ok with you J&J. Thought about you a lot today. I hope no news means that the op went ahead after all and you are spending some time with dh now.

I hope Op went as well as it could. Thinking of you hugs x

Hoping you're all in recovery now and on the home straight. We're all still with you.

Dropping in to see if we had an update. I dod hope that things went well today.

here and still thinking of you.

Me too x

Oh ladies (and gents if any here), I know I keep saying this but I simply can't believe how amazing you all are, I am touched to the core, honestly I am. Please god if I can ever offer any one of you anything at all let me be able to do it. This thread has been so eye opening for me, I knew of course there were good people out there, but never knew there were so many willing to go so far. I won't go on and thank individual posters because each and every one of you has posted something meaningful and caring, and I am grateful.

Just a quick post really to catch you all up - I'm hoping none of you will think me a drama queen because it's all a bit unbelievable and so so dispiriting. We waited until about 11pm last night before finally getting to see a doctor. His opening words to dh were "what's wrong" and I think it was a full five minutes before he got another word in! To cut a long story short, he was rude and condescending and obviously couldn't give two hoots. Dh (having been admitted, had an ECG, all the usual obs, even a blood sugar test despite telling the nurse he wasn't diabetic etc) was so tempted to come home with me, but was eventually persuaded to stay overnight.

This morning, one of the two surgeons who was meant to be operating appeared and, in a nutshell, said it wasn't his fault, he didnt know why dh wasn't on the list, and he could probably come back for the op in two weeks or so. Again, he was disinterested in dh's pleas re starting bar school and having left four traumatised dc at home etc.

I picked dh up at 2ish and on the way home we had a phone call from the admissions lady. The op is now re-scheduled for 20 August but dh must go in on 18th. When asked why, she said that it was in order for the Trust's protocol of not making any patient wait for more than 28 days since the original date of their procedure (which was 23 July). So in order not to put their figures out, Dh has yet again to waste more hours of his precious life waiting round in hospital - as if he hasn't wasted enough time in them already. I'm beginning to think they have an ulterior motive and want him to drop dead, thus saving the money of operating on him. (I don't really think they think that, but I'm not thinking too rationally!)

He is beyond gutted, and so am I. Bar school will probably not happen now. I wish I had a punch bag so I could go and use it! It's not fair. Three silver lining to the great big cloud - dd, who went on her holiday yesterday, can at least enjoy herself now without worrying too much about her Dad. Ds3 is 8 on Saturday so dh will now be home to celebrate with us. And he will also be home when ds1's A-level results come out (although, that may not be such a good thing!)

Good night lovely people, am going to bed now as shattered. x

Ooh, that wasn't such a short post after all, sorry!

Sending you a massive squashy vitual hug JandJ

I really would consider contacting PALS and telling them what you have been though, they are great and will work as a buffer for you and hospital.

Sending love x

Sorry to hear you were messed around but glad you have got a date now.

Just wanted to add my good wishes J&J. [flowers]

Bugger I mean. Teary from reading this thread - Mumsnet at its best...

If all this turns out well, I'm going to have a party simply for lovely mn'ers. There will be a selection of izzy's df's cocktails and don't know what else yet but I still cant get over the outpouring of love and care from you all.

Now I really am going to bed before I come over all maudlin!

So, so sorry J and J.

glad for your silver linings and at the ineptitude shown. Also the ridiculous statement about the trusts figures....I know the individuals don't put targets over real people but it seems that the systems only work for these things and not more humanely.

Stay strong and enjoy the time as much as you can.

xxfool

On your behalf "grrrrrrrrr!!!" lists getting ballsed up I'll buy as probably an underpaid summer temp somewhere but to have to go in two days early to block a bed for their figures?!! PALS for sure and a letter to the trust to start I think! Good luck with the A Level results in the meantime...

Sincerely hoping you and DH are getting some rest now after today and that the surgery went ahead and safely. Love to you and yours

Ok, so it serves me right for taking so long to finish my post when I'm supposed to be working.

So sorry that you are being so badly messed around. How you and the DC's are keeping your heads I'll never know. You sound so coherent.

If I were you I'd take some of that coherence straight into the complaints procedure and as for sitting around in hospital to maintain their figures GRRRRR!

My prayers will remain with you and whatever happens, and whatever the timescale we'll be there for you all.

Good news about being around for exam results and birthdays though

I was going to say contact PALS but I see Puffin got in first. So sorry you have (both really) been messed around.

Aw, honey. I'm so sorry that your dh has to wait yet again for his op. It's not fair and it's not on for them to keep him dangling.

I'm adding my voice to those telling you to lodge a formal complaint and I hope you'll make it clear that your dh isn't going to spend any longer in hospital pre-op than he needs to just so they can massage their statistics.

Maybe you feel reluctant to complain? Don't be as it's often the only way you get treated with any respect by institutions such as the NHS. If you don't register a complaint in writing my fear is that they'll keep on messing him around.

In an attempt to put a positive spin on the unfairness of this latest setback, today's thought is that sometimes

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together

Here's hoping that it'll be third time lucky for your dh.

I am so sorry to hear that the operation didn't go ahead after all. There really does need to be some kicking butts going on after this.

I add my voice to those suggesting that you make a formal complaint. Start with the information you were given when the operation was first mentioned ...... it HAD to be done sooner rather than later. I certainly wouldn't be taking him in a day early to massage their figures. I would be tempted to send a copy of your letter the Trust's Auditors (often the Audit Commission, but may be a contract awarded to a private agency like KPMG). Google the name of your Trust and 'auditor' and you will see who it is.

Also, contact the place where your DH is registered to start his Bar studies. It is possible to cover a few weeks of deferment and allow your DH to be a late-starter. Students don't always register on Day 1 (for lots of reasons including funding problems).

Be assured that all those on this thread will continue with prayers and positive thoughts until your DH is through his operation and well into his recovery period. We aren't going anywhere! We will hold your hand for as lon as you need us.

Great Thought for the Day Izzy!

hi JandJ .

keep on keeping on!

I agree. Contact PALS. Maybe your local MP would be a good person to contact too. Am not going to suggest local paper in case the publicity would just be an added stress?

Definitely contact Bar School and see what they can do to help him. I'm sure they will be as supportive as possible and will have protocols in case to cover all sorts of eventualities.

If you go ahead with the MN party I am offering desserts! I used to have a part-time dessert business so they are pretty good I am also heading towards my second year of a Law Degree so can pick your dh's brain in return! (All altruistic motives out of the window there!).

I am so very sorry that you have this additional stress. Unfortunately, it seems to be par for the course with the NHS, nowadays.

I totally agree that you need to make a formal complaint, but I imagine it`s the last thing you feel able to cope with right now. A couple of weeks won`t make much difference, so perhaps you should leave it until DH is back home, and on the road to recovery. THEN hit em like a ton of bloody bricks! When my late precious DH was in and out of hospital, a Consultant told me that if I didn`t learn to shout, I would just be ignored. Also, I should remember that we -and others like us - were, in effect, his "boss", and paying his, and the rest of the staff`s salaries. Nice man, but he was very much in the minority, sadly. I did learn to shout like a good`un though, and, if not exactly loved, I was respected for it.

I continue to send love, and prayers to a very brave lady.

Like you FAN, I did a lot of shouting for my late-DH. He spent 2 weeks in hospital being treated for the wrong diagnosis. As I sat by his bed from noon until 9pm every day, I learnt a lot and knew when the results were going the wrong way even though the nurses and junior doctors were saying "That's fine". It wasn't fine, he was getting worse for goodness sake! So I jumped up and down and made demands.... and they did more tests. the hospital had it completely wrong - he was terminal. But at least with the right diagnosis he got the correct treatment to keep him comfortable.

JandJ, you will be emotionally drained today after the events of Wednesday and Thursday. Take good care of yourself. You are too important to your DH and family.

It makes me sick to think people who are already ill or taking care of someone who is have to fight to get what they need. I've had experience of that myself and it is heartbreaking. People who are suffering should be looked after and prioritised. SW It frightens me how often people are misdiagnosed too. I know some conditions have similar symptoms and there can be confusion there but it's so dangerous. I know it's part due to funding too but it's inexcusable.

JandJ - is there any way we can help? Write a letter of complaint for you as a joint effort? Really feel for you.

Oh, so disappointing and so unfair

I third, and fourth the opinions that you should contact PALS and see if they can offer you some support. This isn't right.

Bumpety bump in case JandJ needs to find her thread. Mind you, if izzy is on those cocktails again, she'll need help finding the thread for her Thought for the Day!

I really like the idea of the new cocktail that her DF is concocting being called "Hope on a Rope". (Who suggested that?) I have wracked my brains but out of so many 'thoughts for the day' that really inspired me. It's that one about "when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on" - it is still making an impact on me as I face my own challenges.

I have to collect LN (Dn) on Sunday as his Mum is off again for the weekend with the new boyfriend. LN will have a brilliant day on Saturday as he is being taken to an Olympic football match - but MUST be collected from the family on Sunday morning and Dn's Mum is in the Midlands with her new boyfriend.

LN's Mum and new boyfriend are off on a holiday abroad in a couple of weeks (LN is going to a Scout Camp) and I have to be 'the emergency contact'. So I have my knot tied tightly and am holding on! Are you JandJ? Are we on the same rope or hanging tightly beside each other?

I hope you are doing okay and taking some well deserved rest. Don't forget how to cuddle and laugh and giggle. Call the hospital every name you like - permission to swear if you need to

I'll check in later to see if you have been around - if not I'll check again tomorrow. [flowers]

Didn't realise the 'Hope on a Rope' would be so poignant Sad. Treat the knot on the end like the the big ones on the bottom of Tarzan swings and sit down comfortably! Your DN is a very lucky boy to have you in his wider family. I'm sure there won't be any emergencies but if there were, what better person to be there with you.

Izzy is the recipe ready? Need to to test drive before prescribing (or have you already run the testing?)

JandJ I'm afraid FAN and SadWidow are right. You do have to shout loud and long and ask question after question. So I'm praying for you being calm and collected when it matters, and being able to rage and sob and laugh, as you need to, to stay strong. Enjoy some family time and know that we're here when you need us.

much going on on the hill but there is still some room and time for a thought for you and all yours JandJ hope that the DD is enjoying her holiday and that the (Shhhh don't tell Izzy) Olympics is providing a happy distraction if needed.

get that DH onto bar school (no I didn't say on a bar stool!!! although if hope on a rope turns up maybe that too) to look into late starts................

much love to all (SW I am glad that you are there for LN and DSis but hope that you also have enough time for you and friends and other things).

passing torch to the next poster until later....

JandJ's personal gin-based cocktail, which will be revealed in all it's glory at a later date, remains in the taste-testing stage - so far to great acclaim.

For those who are clinging on to the knot at the end of the rope, Pa is now under orders to produce liquid Hope on a Rope that will enable whiskey, gin, rum, and vodka drinkers to hang on in there. It's a tall order, not least because it's destined to be served in highball glasses but I have no doubt that, with a little help from Mr Martin, he'll come up with the goods.

In the meantime here's a slice of comfort food for all the family and who's gonna know if you've slipped a shot of Calvados or vodka into yours? This little number is called Apple Pie In A Glass:

Freeze a one litre carton of concentrated apple juice overnight or until it's lumpy and icy.
Put half the contents of the carton in a blender, add half litre of vanilla ice cream and a cup of milk.
Blend and serve in sundae or tall glasses with a sprinkling of cinnamon and caster sugar over the top.

All of us who are being blown hither and thither by the oft times fickle winds of fate may find some solace in today's thought:

You have a strategic plan; it's called doing things

Yup! Yup! Got it Izzy!

Mind you, I am still hanging on a knot on a rope next to JandJ.

I have put my 1 litre of apple juice in the freezer.... (runs back to look at recipe)...blender is at the ready....

... found vanilla icecream in the big freezer.... next!

Oh wait a minute... I have to go and look in my cupboards for cinnamon (I think I know where castor sugar is!)

Okay - I am at the ready!

Nope... I don't have sundae glasses

Can I use crystal wine glasses?

Phew! Stands by my bed waiting for the go-ahead.

Fine crystal, plastic beakers, chipped cups/mugs, flower vases, jugs, - if it holds liquid it can be used to advantage sw

So JandJ hope your strategic plan is helping you to keep things together, even if it's doing yet another load of washing just to keep busy (my distractor activity of choice...love the smell of line dried washing and in times of deep stress can even be found ironing!!!!).

!off to do more things and to remember and send prayers and hopes to you JandJ.

Hello. I hope you are ok J and J and starting to feel that fire in your belly. I hope your dh does go ahead with Bar school - I bet he'd be an excellent barrister (whereas my dh is more of a barista).

I have a legal battle to fight on behalf of ds1's girlfriend so I'm hoping to rise to the occasion. If you get me in 'purpose mode' after a 10k run I can be quite scary! Remember, we are all here if you want help writing that letter.

(imagines 10k run....shudders....well maybe back in the day!)

In church this morning (already done in NZ) listening to the choir singing "the Lord bless you and keep you". Thinking of you and yours JandJ and sending some Peace.

It's not because I object to the Olympics per se that I've opted out of London fool. We've been watching various events here that are of individual interest to us and we all got up early today to watch the tennis, which we'll be doing again tomorrow to cheer Feddy on for gold

Whiskey, gin, and vodka versions of Hope on a Rope are virtually in the glass bag <hic> and pa will endeavour to nail the rum version on the high seas in the next couple of days.

For those who want to get shaking as soon as the recipe rolls off the press, you'll require fresh oranges, lemons, orange juice and cranberry juice, a bunch of mint leaves, Maraschino cherries or fresh strawberries, and a bottle of dry sherry plus your favourite tipple. Grenadine will make it look real pretty but it's an optional extra.

And now for today's thought which seems to owe something to yesterday's:

I can't do this but I'm doing it

Goodness, that's quite some shopping list Izzy! Only just got the apple juice in the freezer and will be trying the Apple Pie later with. A slosh of Stone's ginger wine in it. I'll report back.

Can't help but think cocktail ingredients should be available on the supermarket websites orderable by cocktail name.

There are thousands of cocktail recipes and you could be in the supermarket all day, Homebird

Cocktail cupboard staples are jars of olives, silverskin onions, maraschino cherries and agnostura bitters, plus Worcestershire and Tabasco sauces and celery salt and tabe salt to add piquancy to the more savoury concoctions.

A slug of ginger wine should go very nicely with your apple pie but I would suggest you add it to the glass, pour the blender contents over, and stir with a straw or long spoon - you could layer it

Good morning JandJ. How are things going?

We are ahead of you with the cocktails. Most of us have tried the Apple Pie - delicious!

Hope things are okay in your household.

I have an Apple Pie with Stones (can't be bothered to find bottle again to find out whether it should be Stone's or Stones') Ginger Wine in it in front of me. It's not going to be there long! JandJ you have to try this version as well as the original option! Comfort in glass! Oo, just thought, Southern Comfort version. Who is going to try that one out?

Don't mean to drivel on. What I really mean is righteous anger about the failure of the system, sincere respect at your family's wonderful dynamic, and squidgy hug and hand hold at all that's going on. Thinking of you today and I'll be around for the night shift later on.

izzy do you mean apple juice from concentrate or concentrated apple juice?

Hardly drink these days, but am tempted to try this just to raise a glass to JandJ and her partner.

Hi J and J, hope you are having a reasonable weekend and not struggling too much. Hope the sun is shining where you are.

Hi fellow cocktail lovers! It's wonderful how positives can be found almost anywhere if you look hard enough, and apart from the inspiring thoughts for the day, you lot have brought wonderful cocktails into my life (not that I've tried any yet, but off to supermarket tomorrow)! My only worry is for poor izzy's df - I hope she's not working him too hard!

We had a lovely day yesterday celebrating ds3's 8th birthday, and now watching Federer/Murray with dh, ds1 and ds2 as I type. Thank you so much for all the prayers and thoughts, and can I say, there is plenty of room on this here rope for anyone who wants to climb aboard! I was serious about a mn party if all turns out well - I want to put faces to names and thank eveyone in person - but how would I organise it?!

We're feeling much calmer now after Wednesday/Thurday's debacle. We've been talking about whether or not to complain and still can't decide whether we should or not. Dh's opinion is that there's no point because we're not trying to achieve a particular outcome, ie, what's happened has happened, we've been given a new date to work towards and that's that. I think that, whereas there may be no change in our own personal circumstances, it might still be a good idea to have the ineptitude of the whole affair and the dismissive attitudes of the docs on record somewhere. I keep thinking of the scene between dh and the dc when we left to go in on Wednesday afternoon - it was heartbreaking, and now we will have to go through similar again in a couple of weeks. What do you lot think? I have to say that, in general, the NHS service we've been given has been amazing and would it seem a bit churlish that, on the one occasion things don't go our way, we shout about it? I just don't know.

Hope everyone's having a great Sunday (don't think Federer is just now!) and a happy healthy week to come.

Lovely to hear from you JandJ. You are sounding much more relaxed.

As DH is the Main Man here, perhaps his thoughts about letting things lie should be respected. I felt that if would be better to leave any thoughts of complaining until after his surgery anyway, when he is back home where he belongs. However, should things not go as smoothly as you need them to, when he is re-admitted, then that`s when you really will need to start shouting. I`m sure that won`t happen though, and just want to wish you all a peaceful couple of weeks now, to gather your strength. Your love will see you through, and I send my love and prayers too, to you all.

Thank you Forever, much appreciated. I think you're probably right about letting things lie for now, apart from anything else I don't think I have the mental clarity at the moment to compose a sensible letter. Let's see how things go gulp

Glad to hear that you are having some down time and that DC3 can now be happily sent into the 9th year of his/her life.

Sorry for Izzy that Roger couldn't pull it out of the bag today.( but not sorry for us )

As far as complaining goes.. I think you would need to know what you want to achieve by complaining...it won't affect your care as the letter would go to the complaints dept. and be met with a bland "we are looking into it letter" before it was actually live and properly sorted out. Would it change anything?Probably not...the original cancellation was because the NHS as a whole has insufficient beds (working at 95% occupancy is a joke!!), the second miss was because of a human error (missing you off an operating list)...no-one will hold their hand up to that one, the third ridiculousness is because of government target driven NHS cancellation agreements...ridiculous but not the trust's fault. Complaining would flag up the inefficiencies of the system and might be worth it from that POV.

lots and lots of love and continued thoughts and prayers

Thank you for that fool, you speak sense - would you, by any chance, be involved in the NHS? You sound very knowledgeable on such things.

You're right that nothing would be achieved for us, personally, and that's why dh thinks there's no point complaining. I just wondered if having something on record might conceivably add to future improvement in performance (not just from my letter obviously!) but weight of opinion etc.

Anyway, for now, we will leave it. I'm sure what we experienced last week is not uncommon and that many people will have had similarly disappointing experiences. Just have to chalk it up to one of those things, and hope that all goes to plan from now.

I do think it might be worth flagging up at a later date, probably the people in the hospital are fed up with inefficiencies too, and anything that feeds back to the commissioners (eventually) will be a help and support in fine-tuning/revising/improving the system.

JandJ yes..have some experience of NHS from inside and out!!
yes Silver I also think it can help the trust...but only targeted complaints get to be that helpful otherwise it just get's put down to waiting list problems and ignored.

JandJ, I have experience of auditing NHS which is why I suggested that you copy any letter of complaint to their auditing authority. Massaging results is an absolute 'No-No" and I would jump up and down very hard on any of my authorities who even attempted it.

My main line of audit is councils/education - same principle though. Targets are there to be achieved and not juggled! When you reported that the Administrator had admitted about 'meeting targets' I felt pretty gob-smacked. No NHS authority meets their patient targets by falsifying results and bringing in chronically sick patients a day before they need to be admitted.

But it is your real life - and your decision.

As an outsider, I still cannot see that you and your DH have ever had a satisfactory explanation for why the initial operation was cancelled (other than there were no beds available because of 'emergencies') Eh? I thought your DH was an emergency.... wasn't he told that this major operation needed to be done sooner rather than later .... and deferring was not an option?

And then to be given a 2nd date where, at the last minute, your DH was told that it was for tests only. How many more tests does he have to have? Did he have any new tests? He had 36 hours in hospital which were IMO unnecessary.

Are you sure that you spoke to the Consultant when DH was in hospital last time? It was very late at night when your DH actually met a doctor - could it have been a Registrar or even a Junior Doctor on the team? If so, then the Consultant needs to know what appalling bedside manners they are developing.

I'll get off my high horse now!

I am still praying for you, DH and your family. Stay strong!

I'm glad to see you're holding it together, JandJ. I hope to write further on the merits of a formal complaint in due course but, in the meantime, suffice it to say that I'm of a mind with fool.

FWIW, those of us in the Nutmeg State who were watching our box today are firmly of the vew that Mr FedEx gave his gold medal to the crybaby to shut him up and nothing/no-one is going to convince us otherwise. Other than in his dreams, the surly one will not surpass M. Roger's achievements in this lifetime <<and that sure ain't sour apples she said smugly>>

Moving swiftly onto Pussycat's question, apple juice made from concentrate as opposed to freshly pressed juice from whole apples can be used for any of Pa's recipes. His personal taste has determined that apple juice made from concentrate has a more intense quality that lends itself better to mixing with other flavours than the fresh variety. Apparently, he concentrates fresh apple juice for his apple sours but that's for another day - yet another something I never knew about my pa

We'll be setting sail later today in search of whales for the watching of with a couple of our neighbours one of whom has a cutting droll sense of humour - think Gore Vidal. So it'll be high camp on the high seas; aka yo ho ho and a bottle of rum as they're in the galley nailing the last hope for the rope while I'm in the crow's nest looking out for Captain Sparrow

Under the circumstances, today's thought seems particularly apt:

" While we cannot direct the wind we can adjust our sails"

On the offchance I meet Jonah's fate - bottoms up to one and all.

I've just found this thread this morning. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, but reading all this and marvelling at the strength and grace of J&J and everyone who has shared their stories here has put me right back in order!

J&J- Even if you don't feel up to a formal complaint, you could always put something on the 'Patient Voice UK' website. Most NHS trusts watch the site, respond and some even post to let you know when a change has been made as a result of your post. It's a public site, so anyone can read it, which puts a certain amount of pressure on them, and you can keep it anonymous if you wish ( no, I don't have shares in it, I'm just a GP who is very embarrassed by the lack of compassion on show from the NHS!)

Thinking of you and your family. X

Sorry, sleep deprivation has addled my brain! I meant 'Patient opinion', not 'patient voice'. The website is www.patientopinion.org.uk.

Hang on in there! And no way should your DH have to spend more time in hospital so that the management can massage their figures! I agree with everything SW has said, and I don't believe for a minute that this is outside of the consultant's control - it's up to him/her to determine the relative urgency of cases, so either they sort it out, or they need to take the time to explain to your DH why his case is not as urgent as you were originally told **steam comes out of ears**
If you're having no joy with calling the hospital, try involving your GP, express your concerns and ask if they'll find out what's happening - hospital Drs are sometimes happier to talk to the GP. It may not get the op date moved up, but they may be able to reassure you that the delay is not affecting his chances of pulling through.

Thinking of you and sending strength, love and

You sound spectacularly calm J and J - much admiration to you and your dh. I could only hope to be halfway as rational in similar circumstances! I'm glad your dc had a lovely birthday and hope your dd is having a good holiday. I'm one of those that believe everything happens for a reason but I'm struggling to reconcile your situation with that.

Anyway, enjoy the supermarket today - hope you are stocking up for cocktail recipes (wish my Dad was like Izzy's!).

Oh, I've got a spectacular addition to the Apple Pie - put it in the freezer and serve as ice cream! Sooooo good!

How's it going JandJ? Izzy's thoughts are so profound. Don't know how she does it under the influence of her Pa's hobby but I hope it helps anyway.

Good to hear about birthday parties and holidays and maybe some of Merlot's insights will ease your administrative burden. Her view of the GP as the good old (I know, less of the old!) Family Doctor is a delight and might well be one worth pursuing.

I don't happen to agree with lazarusb on one tiny point, though she otherwise talks great good sense. I don't think everything happens for a reason. I think really rubbish stuff happens for no reason at all, but what you are doing with it JandJ, and what your family is doing with it, it truly remarkable.

So sending loads of love to be with you through the day. I'll be back this evening.

Homebird8- there are a fair few of us GPs who still aspire to be 'good old family doctors', you can tell us apart because our clinics always run at least an hour late

I know Homebird - I've been through enough crap in my own life to wonder why I sometimes still think that! That's why I said I couldn't reconcile it in this situation (and quite a lot of others). I think I should just accept that it's total rubbish and shut up

Love the idea of the apple pie dessert though - maybe a good toffee sauce to go with it too?

Things don't happen for a reason, imho, but resourceful people find the positives (as well as accepting the negatives and doing what they can to ameliorate them).

Home is the fisherman, home from the sea, except the only thing we caught was the sun and lunch on Block Island. Not quite the whaling trip I'd envisaged but we did get to give a rousing rendition of the Fisherman's Song after a few Mudslides

We're expecting 20+ for brunch tomorrow (which is today for many) and verdicts will be canvassed on the ability of Hope on a Rope's makings to complement various hard liquors. Once the jury's in, all will be revealed.

In the meantime the thought for today is:

Do what you can with what you have where you are

You know, a very kind colleague brought me a present into work today, a huge box of lemons! and you know what I'm going to say, 'Make lemonade' right? Nope,'Find 150 friends and share a G&T together'!

Well JandJ, you've got your 150 friends, here for you. And as we've all tried the Apple Pie, and in anticipation of the Hope on a Rope, we'll settle with the G&T's (or the lemonade if you prefer) for now.

Wishing you a good day. In the oddest of circumstances, and in the midst of a box of lemons, there are good times.

Sounds like you live a busy life Izzy. 20 for brunch eh? Still it'll give us a good representative test for Hope on a Rope.

High five, SilverPC, couldn't agree more.

Merlot, thank heavens for FD's like you. I have had the pleasure of knowing some great ones. Would love to 'name and acclaim' but possibly not the place!

Lazarus, the toffee sauce sounds great, a bit like toffee apples, mmmm. I'd thought of brandy snap biscuits too. What a combo!

SadWidow, you know what? I think you should stay on your high horse. Champions make things happen and that sort of passion can be a bit short on supply sometimes.

Now, I know I'm in anger of hijacking, but we're living proof that the world is a many and varied place, and that it's still full of love whatever happens. A big NZ goodnight to JandJ and good morning to the Northern hemisphere.

A good morning bump from the Northern Hemisphere!

Leaves a wave for Izzy and Homebirds8 for later tonight. I think we are doing a remarkable job of linking up across the world to keep this thread vibrant for JandJ to visit when she wants to. It was good doing the 'night shift' with you at the weekend Homebirds8. I got a couple of blankies made for the rescued kitties in between my bumping of the thread.

Izzy, as ever, your thought for the day is really helpful. I can't wait for Hope on a Rope to be revealed.

JandJ, you sound very positive and calm so that is good. Don't worry if you can't hold it together ALL the time though. You know we are around with waterproof shoulders, soothing words and an abundance of understanding. Izzy will be on the thread with a handy cocktail or two when you need it.

Have a great day with DH today - and don't forget to do something special again.... just anything that is special to you and DH.

having no useful skills (like remembering really good quotes or mixing pertinently named cocktails or living through similar trials)) I will just say that you continue in my thoughts and prayers.

the sun is shining here today...hope it is where you are jandj

Hello again J and J. Hope you are ok and managing to relax a little, enjoy the sun (or rain) wherever you are. I meant what I said about offering desserts for your party too! Don't worry about organising it, when the time is right, it will happen (although I think we should all go and visit Izzy's folks - they sound fab!).

SW - hope things have settled down at your end.

Hi JandJ, been lurking more than posting recently - but I wanted to say I'm still thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way

And this is my 'goodnight bump' from the Northern Hemisphere!

Over to homebird8 (NZ) and Izzy (USA - drinking cocktails with her Pa)

Now come out of hiding all you other Southern Hemisphere lurkers. We don't bite - and JandJ needs lots of prayers, good wishes, positive vibes and little posts/messages on her thread to keep her going. Go on,,, you know you can say "Hello". If you can make cocktails then you are especially welcome on this thread

Hope you are having a good night's sleep JandJ. I check back in tomorrow morning.

Having spent 2 inebriated exhausting days, I had to retire early for a spot of genteel mumsnetting to get my brain back into gear

Brunch was a truly delicous feast spanning a number of hours and attended by more than 30 adults and a dozen or so minors. A fun time was had by all. As expected, the usual suspects band of diehards lasted through dinner and I've been constantly interrupted by the need to pour a few into cabs join my folks in bidding adieu to the lingerers. At last, the house is quiet - until those marimba rhythms ring out again in about 12 hours time.

Pa's concoction has been tested to the max with gin, vodka, bourbon, rye whisky, scotch whisky, white, golden, and dark rums, and I had mine with tequila.

What can I say, it works! And it worked to great acclaim. After pa had made 70 we gave up counting and in case you think we're mean hosts, everyone had free choice of what they wanted to drink from an extensive bar list of booze from around the world.

JandJ, you need to know that not one glass was downed before a toast was given to the very good health of you and yours. Many of our guests have gone home with the recipe and they are going to continue drinking to you and yours everytime they serve it up.

Okay, folks, all you have to do now is make up a jar of simple syrup and we can get this show on the road.

You need 2 parts sugar to 1 part water. Bring water to boil and pour the sugar into the water stirring constantly. As soon as the sugar has completely dissolved, remove pan from heat and let it cool and thicken before pouring it in a jar or bottle with a lid/cap. It keeps for months in the fridge - and even longer if you stir in a spoon of vodka before bottling.

Alternatively, for those who can't wait, make up some bar simple syrup by pouring equal parts of sugar and water into a lidded jar/bottle and shaking vigorously until the sugar is completely dissolved.

All done? Right, my next response will contain the goods...

Hope on a Rope for all:

Frost the rim of a highball (tall) glass by either dipping it in lightly beaten egg white and then into castor sugar, or by rubbing a cut lemon or orange around the rim and dipping or rolling it in castor sugar, and standing it in the fridge. NB you don't have to do this but it does make a glass look darn purty.

Get Dean Martin's Sway ready to play - pick a 3 minute version from the many on offer on youtube.

Half fill a cocktail shaker - or a large jar/jug with a lid - with ice.

Zest one lemon and one orange either directly into the shaker or onto a plate and then scrape the zest over the ice in the shaker. Add 6 mint leaves.

And then add:

45ml of your favourite hard liquor - gin, vodka, whisky, brandy, rum, etc.
20ml dry sherry - feel to use Bristol cream if that's all you've got to hand
15ml of simple syrup - if using bar simple syrup add 20 ml
20ml freshly squeezed lemon juice
20ml freshly squeezed orange juice
30 ml cranberry juice
and a further 100ml of orange juice which can be freshly squeezed or from a carton

Press play and shake to Sway with feeling! Swivel those hips rumba style and give your biceps a workout

After 3 minutes, you're done and it's time to strain the contents of the shaker into the eagerly waiting glass. If you've used a jug to shake, strain the contents into another jug before carefully pouring into the glass - you don't need to be quite so careful if you haven't frosted your glass.

Gentlly pour a generous slug of grenadine into the glass to give it the rosy glow of hope of a new morning sunrise.

Decorate with a mint spring and an orange or lemon slice, or fresh strawberry (cut a slit in the bottom of the fruit and perch it on the glass) or a couple of Maraschino cherries on a stick.

That's Hope on a Rope in a glass - hold on and get tight

For any minors in the party; omit the booze, shake all the other ingredients together over ice, place a scoop of vanilla or chocolate ice cream - or both! - into a glass and strain the contents over.

Btw, feel free to vary the quantities given - making cocktails should be as much fun as drinking them and if you fancy more of 1 ingredient and less of another, go for it. If you've used a very tall glass, top up with more orange juice or soda/ carbonated mineral water if necessary.

And now, the thought for the day is:

"Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go"

Sounds delicious Izzy - making a special trip to the shops now!

Hi JandJ, a bit of a chaotic day at work today but even if I wasn't posting overnight I was thinking of you and hoping that you had thought of a lovely something to do with DH. May I suggest a lovely thing might be to join the rest of us alcoholics in a Hope on a Rope? One for the whole family if you do the kid version.

Izzy, I've emailed DH (on the other side of the room) with the recipe and a request for mass production on Saturday evening. Friends are coming over and one is expecting his DM to have a quadruple bypass on Friday. Whilst we will be toasting JandJ, obviously, I'm sure you and your Pa will be happy to hear that someone else who needs a rope will be getting some too.

I know you all think it's a bit weird to email DH. He's within grinning distance but needs a memory jogger to get the shopping right! He's a dab hand with a cocktail but they usually don't quite make the glass stage and we go for the bendy straw each in the jug! Promise to sugar the glasses on Saturday though

Oh excellent Izzy - we now have your Pa's recipe for Hope on a Rope. I did my shopping when you last told us to 'get ready' so I'll be trying a tipple tonight to toast JandJ and family.

JandJ, I hope you and the family have a great day. I'll check in later to see if there is an update. In the meantime, enjoy those special moments together, laugh and have fun.

happily imagining scores of MNers lining up the glasses to toast you JandJ.

Here we are more into rattles and maracas than heady concoctions but will be thinking of you none-the-less.

much love

Cocktail sounds good. Haven't got any ingredients bar vodka though, lol.

Love the thoughts for the day.

Jandj - hope all is well with you.

Skye - I only had vodka too but wasn't honest enough to tell you all

Just back from an extra trip to the shop with my Border Collie.... I didn't have the gernadine to do the "Hope" bit. If a job is worth doing, it must be done well!

I have two frosted hi-ball glasses in the freezer now.

Have been on YouTube and found Dean Martin: Sway

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mBoJ0ra-W8

It's only 2:50 so will have to shakey-shakey for 10 seconds extra to get Pa's recipe absolutely right!

My canine companion is loving all the practicing we are doing..... he is going under legs and bumpety bums like a good 'un. We have developed his "High Five" trick to be Mummy twizzling on knees ..... it looks like he is swirling me round!

JandJ - you need to get on this thread! We are starting the Hope on a Rope pre-operation party!

Oh blimey, you lot have me in tears again. Why are you all so nice and kind and thoughtful? Where have you all been all my life?!

izzy, I can't believe the lengths to which your lovely Pa has gone to mix drinks - and to rope in all your family friends as well. I'm sorry you didn't get to spot any whales and that Rog didn't get gold, but I hope the cocktails are helping to erase any disappointment!

It's so humbling to think there are people as widespread as NZ and USA thinking of me and mine and offering up thoughts and prayers. Homebird, I'll happily accept a lemon or two from you - I seem to have gone right off tea, and hot water and lemon has become my replacement! So thank you for that - your colleague sounds lovely. Lazarusb - I hope you're ds1's girlfriend is ok - dh has only done his year's legal conversion course to date, but if you want to risk asking anything, he loves a good problem to get his teeth into.

Merlot, thank you so much for your posts, interesting to get an insider (as it were) point of view. I didn't know about that website so thanks for pointing that out. I did have a look, and I did start posting our story. I got about three quarters way through and then I thought "What, actually, have I got to complain about - I bet this happens to loads of people every day", so I deleted it all.

I have, however, written to the Trust's complaints people (haven't copied in auditing authorities yet, sadwidow, but I will if don't hear anything satisfactory from complaints people), making a particular issue of the admissions date. I have no idea who the doctor dh saw on the evening of the 1st was - and he obviously had no idea who we were. I honestly think he was the only doctor wandering around who the ward staff could get their hands on. However, he did see one of the surgeons the following morning - and his "couldn't care less" attitude doesn't inspire confidence.

Anyway, all this fuss about admissions dates may be moot as dh is unfortunately not too well . Nothing too drastic at the moment, so not too worried, and tonight he has a scheduled visit from one of his dialysis nurses, so we'll see what she says. These sorts of situations I take in my stride as they are part of our everyday lives, it's the threat of horrid dangerous operations looming that throws me out of kilter - so once again, thank you to all you lovely people.

I went to Sainsbury's on Monday primarily to stock up on cocktail ingredients and had to abandon trolley half way through the shop as I felt really sick suddenly - that's the third week in a row something unpleasant has happened to me in there! Could there be a message in that somewhere for me?! Came home and went to bed for the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself - but ds3 soon took care of that when he told me I was beautiful, even "beautifuller" than the Queen Ant he saw in the garden the other day

Hope everyone's having a good week. x

good to hear from you jandj I am waving a temporary goodbye as have to go and sort out some RL things over the next few days. but just because I'm not posting doesn't mean that I am thinking of you any less.

Much love

can you get the shopping delivered? Just for your own health!!!

Hope you're ok fool and get everything sorted. Thanks for your thoughts and good luck.

Bless you - may well ask your dh's advice but only when he feels better! I hope the nurse can put your mind at rest.

As for Sainsbury's - clearly a message to internet shop for a while.
Love the sound of your ds He sounds very cute!
Great to hear you wrote a letter, hope it jolts someone's conscience.

Hi JandJ, I am glad to hear that you wrote a letter of complaint. The Auditors can be 'copied in' later if that is necessary.

I don't do big shopping now JandJ (do you remember my trolley debacle?) I have T** supermarket bring it to my door now. I buy the dog's food on-line also.

Why would I want to get in the car, pick things off a shelf, unload from trolley to conveyer, put back in trolley, load into the boot of my car, struggle with 50,000 shopping bags into the kitchen, stack in cupboards?

Nah! I have a lovely T** man who delivers to my back kitchen door for £4.99 - £5.99 (depends on the delivery day).

All the big supermarkets do it now JandJ so if you have a favourite, start shopping on line!

Online shopping also has the advantage that it tots up as you go so you know what you are spending and reduces those impulse buys (like doughnuts ).

JandJ you are the first person for a while to accuse me of being nice and kind and thoughtful?.

Sending love and prayers to your DH. He needs to be feeling as well as he can all the time. Hope the nurse has something positive to say and he perks up soon.

Adding a bushel of prayers from the US to those from NZ and all of the homegrown variety, JandJ, and I sincerely hope your dh is feeling better today.

The thought for the next 24 hours is:

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Good morning JandJ. I am hoping that your DH is feeling better today. I am sending love and prayers as ever - and an extra lot for an improvement in his health now so that he is able to face the operation when the time comes.

Take care and have a good day.

Good morning JandJ, I hope your DH is feeling a bit better today. I am thinking of you and your family.

I'm glad you've written to the Trust. Yes, I'm sure that this does happen to lots of people every day, but the point is that it shouldn't. It's not so much the cancellations as the lack of compassion and explanation/reassurance that makes me angry. At medical school these days we teach them all about how a patient is first and foremost a person, with a life to live, worries, loved ones etc and their medical condition is only a very small part of the whole. Unfortunately this attitude often gets lost as they get initiated into hospital culture. There are lots of reasons for this, but the outcome is that, sadly, some Drs only see the medical condition, not the person. Complaints are a way of raising awareness of this problem, which helps us to try to do something about it. Sorry for ranting!

Hope the cocktails are going down well!

I hope DH and you are feeling much better today.

Continued positive thoughts of light and love to you all from the silent hand holders.

It's my experience that hospital Doctors see cases where GPs see people. Maybe I've been unlucky with hospitals and lucky with GPs. However J and J, I hope your dh is felling a bit better today and you are ok.

I too am glad you've written to the Trust.

I know where you got that thought, izzy . It's easy...

Hi ladies, hope you've all had some sunshine to enjoy! Dh is fine, thank you, think he was just in need of his machine.

Merlot and lazarusb - you've hit the nail on the head, and worded it much more succinctly than I could have done. That's exactly how we were feeling, ie, that to them dh was no more than a hosital number - another rat in the laboratory sort of thing. I'm so glad to hear that they are trying to incorporate the kind of teaching in med school which encourages would-be docs to look upon patients as people, that is really good news and I hope it doesn't take too long to filter down into everyday hospital practice.

But - I have today received two emails, one from the PALS service manager, and one from the Business Efficiency Manager of the Trust, both apologising profusely for our treatment, and promising to investigate further and get back to us. And, best of all, the BE Manager said he had looked into the admissions date issue, had found no clinical reason why Dh should be admitted on 18th and has adjusted the date to the 19th. So good result - and thank you to all those who encouraged me to complain.

Picked dd up from the airport today and, apparently, just as we got into a lift, who should get out of it but Davina McColl. I say "apparently" since, as usual, I didn't spot her at all!

Great news JandJ (about admission being moved to 19th). Why should your DH spend 24 extra hours away from his family just to massage the figures!?

Now, you have done well. You have hit some nerves with your complaint. You are getting results already..... this is rare! You have had a result within the 3 days of the 'acknowledgement deadline'.

When we need someone to kick some butt in future, I think we will be calling on you!

There is a statutory process - but don't worry about it JandJ. I'll remind you as the time passes. You just focus on DH and the family for now. You are truly remarkable.

Excellent news about the date being moved back a day, at least someone is listening to you.

I came face to face with Jo Brand once in our local small supermarket (she was on holiday in the area). I just gaped stupidly at her while she moaned about her bloke taking too long to get the shopping, lol

Glad your DH is feeling a bit better and it's really good news that the hospital are not only listening but also acting. The 19th sounds much more sensible and the system is working a little bit for you as well as for them!

It is sunny here thank you and today I'm getting the smell of Spring in the air. Still very odd having the seasons upside down but with daffodils bobbing their heads I can't help but think of hope and newness of being. Sending loads of those things your way!

As one who found it a tad ironical curious that Mr L would imagine having no possessions while living in the Dakota with an entire apartment devoted to storing his/her fur coats, I hesitated about reproducing one of his contibutions here, Pussycat

It got through the net because it gave me some comfort yesterday when I didn't hear as promised for 4 hours from my dc that they were safely on their way home after attending the morning's athletics session at the olympic stadium. Sleep deprivation played tricks on my mind and caused me to imagine all sorts of horrors which resulted in me wondering what the hell I was doing here instead of being there. Ah well, such are the joys of parenthood.

That's much better news JandJ. I'm immensely relieved you fired a shot across their bows as it can be the only way to concentrate the minds of assholes bodies such as hospital trusts and other impersonal institutions. Hopefully, your dh will now be treated with the respect and consideration he deserves and the revised date for his op will be honoured.

I'm another advocate of online shopping too. I save my energy and my money buying while lolling, as it were. Doughnuts as an impulse buy, laza? On my shopping list they're way up the table of essential necessities along with Belgian chocs and Bolly

Buying armfuls of early Cornish daffodils gladdens my heart and cheers my house in the murky gloom of late January in the UK, Homebird, and you've inspired my choice for today's thought:

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again

And I sincerely hope this is the end of your drought too, JandJ.

Morning JandJ, I am feeling all spring-like after reading Homebird's and Izzy's posts. And I simply love spring and the feeling of new life bursting forth.

I hope you and yours have a wonderful day.

J and J - good to hear your dh won't have to waste 24 hours hanging around in hospital when he doesn't need to. Nice to know someone reads complaints. I complained to PALS once but didn't even get an acknowledgement. I must have been having a 'soft' time because I didn't pursue it. Hopefully no more messing around for either of you now.

Homebird - I think your spring has been transmitted through my laptop because we have crocus in our garden!
Izzy - I have recently started running again after back problems and the weight loss & toning up is a bonus so doughnuts really are a treat for me at the moment!

So with friends coming over this evening, I've just sent DH on the Hope on a Rope run to the shops. He's taken both DSs so I've got a very uncommon moment to myself on a sunny Saturday.

The duck is nearly prepared to go into the oven with yummy roasted veg (it is still winter here after all!) and the Christmas pud that's been sitting in the fridge since November when I made it has come out to be warmed through later. The Kiwis have a great idea of a 'midwinter Christmas' which seemed daft until I realised that you can have friends around, prepare food with love, and have none of the frenetic 'must be ready in time' feel of the real thing.

So, since I seem to be the one to turn the tables with my upside down seasons, I am turning the clock back. From yesterday's spring to today's Christmas. I feel a bit like the vanquisher of the White Witch who declared it always winter and never Christmas.

All the love stirred into the pud, and all the Hope on a Rope to be sunk, and all the feeding bodies and souls which will be done today and this evening, will be done with the unseen guests of JandJ and her family (with an open invite to all her lovely supporters to join us too). A space in our hearts and at our table for you all.

Sounds as if you need a recipe for baked doughnuts laza. All the taste of the shop bought varieties on the lips but much kinder to the hips. There's lots of versions on the net but use the Recipe Index to take a look under Breads (Yeast) on www.melskitchencafe.com for one of the best.

Dinner sounds delicious, homebird. If you've got any pud left save it to crumble and mix into home-made vanilla ice cream for a summer treat.

Btw, a lot of the prep for cocktails can be done in advance. Citrus zest will keep for days in the fridge - wrap it in clingfilm - or freeze portions with the juice of the fruit in ice cube trays, put the frozen cubes in ziplock bags, and keep in the freezer until needed.

If you're lucky enough to have a glut of citrus fruits, the zest, juice, slices, and quarters can all be frozen as can the whole fruits - although they won't be fit for decoration. If you've got frozen whole fruits in your freezer, defrosting and zapping them in a microwave for 30-60 secs or so will enable you to extract more juice than from an unfrozen fruit.

You can also bottle sliced citrus fruit in bar simple syrup or in vodka. As the fruit in the jar is used reward yourself with a shot of the liquid or use it to mix up a cocktail of your own invention.

Once you've got into the swing of things you can knock out cocktails in little more time than it takes to Sway and if you're making more than 2 drinks use a bigger container to shake them in - anything with a lid will do.

Here's a lighthearted thought for today from one of America's most beloved humorists to cheer everyone's weekend:

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow

Homebird, that sounds fantastic. I hope you all had a great time toasting the good health and fortune of JandJ and her family.

Izzy, and to think I had only got the knack of putting off until tomorrow. I must try to get the hang of deferring until the day after

JandJ, here's hoping that you and the family have a great weekend and sparkle in each other's company. May you have much laughter.

Izzy - thank you! Baked doughnuts, who knew?! I think you're becoming my new hero
Homebird - may I suggest that if you have leftover pud with ice cream a drizzle of Bailey's wouldn't go amiss either?

J and J - I hope you are enjoying some sunshine this weekend and dh is feeling better. Glad your dd's holiday went well. Your Davina story reminded me of 2 years ago when we were flying to France on a budget airline. The plane was held up for an hour because a handful of passengers boarded late. A family got on, followed 10 minutes later by a couple. The couple were complaining that they couldn't sit together. I had a seat next to me and there was a seat across the aisle too. The wife suggested they sit there, separated by the aisle. He said, quite confidently, that someone would move so they could sit together. I said that I wouldn't, but someone did a bit further up the plane. So off they went. My brother (in the aisle behind) asked me if I was always so hostile to celebrities. I shrugged and told him I didn't recognise them and if you are so rude as to hold up a plane and then complain you can't sit together, tough.

It was Gary Lineker....

Having done a significant amount of Hope on a Rope testing last night I would like to assure JandJ that Izzy's Pa has come up trumps with a recipe that is actually good for you. We went for the rum version, concocted in a large Tupperware drum as a shaker, and ended up showing each other tummy strengthening exercises all over the living room floor and threatening handstands. All that and not a hint of a sore head this morning. I have also initiated DSs into the art of zesting fruit (with only a small bit of added boy flesh for good measure) so preparing them for adult life in the process .

It is small things that happy family times and memories are made of, so once more I sign off hoping the JandJ family are making some of their own. P.S. the Apple Pie's went down well with the kids too!

Dropping in briefly with another thought from Mr Clemens for your delectation today:

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place

Keep your spirits up, JandJ, or follow Homebird's example and try to keep them down despite tummy strengthening exercises and threatened handstands

Can it be that my pa has acquired the gift of alchemy and turned base alcohol into the elixir of youthful energy? Or has he concocted another variation of La Vida Coco Loco?

Whatever your Pa has done Izzy, it is certainly bringing fun and happiness to several households! I suspect that visitors from your brunch last week will be initiating their friends into the pleasures of Hope on a Rope and toasting the good health of JandJ and her family. You will be able to spot anyone who has partaken from their very firm stomach muscles.

I hope that you are enjoying your weekend JandJ and that you are having some silliness in your lives like Homebird8. Wishing all the very best to your DH once more.

Just catching up and it seems everyone on the thread is drunk! very jealous
I will def get round to toasting your DH with some HoaR but in the meantime can you tell me what to do (simply!) with a bottle of orange liqueur I've inherited?!

Simply drink it. Chuck it over ice and enjoy!

Or I think Izzy will correct me if I'm wrong a Dorian Grey uses orange liqueur. I seem to recollect OL and gin and orange juice madly shaken and topped up with bubbly then stirred.

Not sure about the shortened HoaR but at least it's spelled that way! Wild floor exercises maybe but I did manage to stop short of lewd behaviour!

Just popping in to bump the thread!

JandJ, I hope all is as well as could be expected with you and yours.

I haven't tried 'Hope on a rope' yet, as we've been visiting with teetotal friends. We have suitably alcohol friendly guinea pigs house guests arriving next weekend, so will have a go then! It sounds like fun (apart from the handstands, never could do a handstand...)

I am doing my night-time bump!

Apple Pie is my most favourite of all Pa's recipes.

I had the one with vanilla ice-cream tonight. It is simpy delicious! I will serve that one to my LN when he comes again in September.

Izzy - please thank your Pa from me!

Just re-read the last few days worth of posts. What must you think of us JandJ? We're all half cut most of the time and spreading your and DH's name across the globe!

Taking a short break at work here to eat a healthy sandwich in the hope that it will outweigh the weekend's consumption of rum. The bottle is empty. Don't know how that happened!

Your thread is here when you need it JandJ but we might all be done for 'drunk in charge'!

I have visions of women all over the world going into supermarkets telling people that they need ingredients for their HoaR.... Do you think we can produce a 'Delia' effect and there will soon be a shortage of oranges/lemons etc?....

J and J - I hope your weekend was peaceful but pleasant. Hopefully you will hear some more positive news very soon. How are your dcs? Hope they are enjoying the sunshine.

Good morning JandJ. Hope things are going well for you and the family.

I think Homebird has it right, we have all been in charge of a thread. It was that Izzy wot done it!

all been in charge of a thread = all been drunk in charge of a thread

<<tiptoes in hoping no-one will be around to notice the time>>

The thought for today is:

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been

Caught you! we sent out the search party this morning Izzy. Have you been on Pa's cocktails again?

Hi drunken lovely ladies! So good to hear from you all, and so glad to see that lots of fun is being had. That party I mentioned will be memorable if it comes to pass! Don't think we will actually need any food, all that icecream/fruit in the cocktails will do just fine! izzy, I feel we should be paying some sort of homage to your pa, he is bringing lots of happiness into our lives! I don't know what job he had/has, but if it wasn't as a cocktail inventor he was wasted! (Er, not wasted as in wasted, but wasted as in - well, sure you know what I mean!)

Homebird, your dinner sounds lovely and I'm so glad your guests approved of your fare, alcholic and otherwise. Seems strange talking about Xmas puds in August, but I could just fancy one now! I bet izzy's pa has some stupendous Xmas cocktail recipes up his sleeve ...

Well, no real news from here, just counting the days down really. On a bit of a roll (sort of) for celebrity spotting (if my non-spot of Davina counts) - Dh and I went to a local cafe for lunch today. A young couple walked in and were immediately swamped by the cafe owners who were hugging them and cheering and congratulating them. They were stood just behind us and --I did my best to eavesdro--I happened to overhear something about rowing and medals. I wouldn't let dh turn round to look though and I didn't recognise them so bit frustrating! And lazarusb, dh also has a Linekar story from the days when he was in sponsorship - the first Mrs L was trying to claim a goody bag which was reserved for trade members, not footballers. She roped Gary in to help and it all got a bit unpleasant apparently!

Hope everyone's having a good week.

Wow, I was just logging in to say "goodnight" and bump the thread.............. and JandJ has posted. I have laughed and chuckled! You are so strong JandJ - you make me feel so humbled.

So onwards and upwards troopers!

I don't know Mr Gary L (nor have I met him). But I meet some of the junior MC players frequently and they stroke my dog! I never recognise a 'celebrity' when I am out walking, but LN almost freezes! I rare;uy g out for a meal, but when I do, there is usually a member of the Corrie or Emmerdale cast there.

I must be muddling in the right circles

I think you are a greater celebrity JandJ. You are an inspiration and a source of laughter.

Izzy - you had better get in here on time tomorrow because I am disgracing myself with sentiment.

waves to Pa

Oh sadwidow, I'm so not - watch me crumble as the week progresses. You are the strong brave one, having coped with your loss in such an amazing way, and also being such a source of support and strength for your family.

You and your lovely family are still in my thoughts and prayers JandJ, and will be for as long as necessary. Surround yourselves with all the love in the world, and good things will surely follow.

I'll never forgive myself if my tardiness allows you to fall into a sticky pit of sentiment sw

It seems to me, JandJ, that you and your dh are already ahead of the Japanese proverb that is today's thought

To endure what is unendurable is true endurance

I can come up with 1001 things to do with a bottle of Grand Marnier or Cointreau, MS, and as all of them are very more-ish you might want to invest in another bottle or 6.

Pour 20ml any orange liqueur, 10ml fresh lime juice, 20ml cranberry juice, 40ml vodka into a cocktail shaker, fill with ice, shake vigorously, strain into a martini glass, and garnish with a twist of fresh orange for a perfect Cosmpolitan.

30ml any orange liqueur, 30m lemon juice, 30ml brandy or cognac shaken with ice and strained and garnished as above will give you another classic cocktail that was once immensely popular, namely a Sidecar.

Or try one of my favourites - strawberry and mint fizz using
50ml any orange liqueur, 15ml fresh lime juice, 6 strawberries and 3-4 mint leaves.

To borrow a word from sw, 'muddle' the strawberries and mint leaves in the bottom of a shaker - this is easily done with a pestle (or similar blunt instrument). Add the lime juice, fill with ice, shake vigorously, strain into a highball glass and top with soda water or any good brand of carbonated mineral water such as Perrier, San Pellegrini or my aqua of choice which is Badoit.

Try to save some of your precious orange nectar for classic crepes suzette, or orange glazed fresh strawberry pie, chocolate fudge tart with orange sauce, blueberry coffee cake with orange glaze, chocolate orange cheesecake, cranberry-orange bread with orange glaze... the list of goodies is endless.

If you incline more to savouries, consider orange glazed pork tenderloin or duck/chicken breasts, cola baked ham with mustard and orange glaze, glazed salmon, orange glazed sweet potatoes or carrots.. again, there is an extensive selection of delicious dishes to tempt you and I can supply recipes for any of the above.

Btw, if you have fresh strawberries of the somewhat indifferent variety, hull them, put them in a bowl, sprinkle with sugar and pour some fresh orange juice over them, place in fridge for 3 hours or so gently turning the fruit every hour and you'll find the flavour is immensely improved - and more especially if you pour a little orange liqueur over them when serving or add it to an accompanying jug of cream.

If you want to try a Dorian Grey the cocktail guru suggests 20ml orange liqueur, 20ml white rum (Bacardi or similar), plus 30 ml each of cranberry and orange juice poured over ice in a highball glass and stirred a couple of times.

There is another version of Dorian Grey which is simply equal parts of sweet vermouth, green chartreuse and gin with a splash of blood orange bitters but I reckon that one may be best drunk in front of a mirror the attic where the portrait is kept

Pa comes into his own during high days and holidays but I refuse to think about the festive season until after Labor Day. However, you may rest asssured, there will be treats to suit every palette and cater for every climate

Tomorrow I shall reveal a special concoction for the dc and lns and, of course, dps and other relatives can clandestinely add a little something of their choice to their glass

izzy stop it at once with all this talk of good food and drink or I'll never get DH to accept paid employment (which he has to get to fulfill his desire for a boat). He's way too good a cook, and has always been a lover of cocktails (if not my liver)! He sees every recipe as a challenge and it's not compatible with pressing a good shirt for an interview.

JandJ it's really good to hear from you. You're right, midwinter Christmas is very odd (in August) but it just goes to show that you can enjoy any celebration you like, whenever you like. Don't fill your mind full of dates, just life the hours and fill them with treats large and small.

My claim to meeting fame is taken from my student days. They were filming Sherlock Holmes in the house friends and I were living in, in Liverpool (it was cheaper than London). I stumbled out of my bedroom one morning, eyes half closed, with the first cup of tea of the day in hand, only to tip it straight down the front of Jeremy Brett in full SH costume. Having read since that he got completely into character for the role, I'm now not surprised that he growled at me!

Of course, having moderate prosopagnosia (I don't recognise faces well - even my DSs and DH sometimes) I didn't know who he was, rolled my eyes at him for being in the way, and went for a shower!

I can't help it, Homebird. It's the way I am. My friends know that if they're in need I'll be the first to rock up with a plate of nourishing edibles and a bottle of liquid fortitude, and my excuse is that I'm trying to carry on the tradition in virtual reality

Well good morning lovely ladies. I am so pleased to see that Izzy did arrive on time this morning. You have us all drooling Izzy with those recipes. Keep them coming!

JandJ, I hope you and DH have another fabulous day and do something extra specially nice. Don't even think about 'counting down', take each day at a time. That really is the way to do it. Fancy not allowing DH to turn around and see who the rowers were. That was half a story with your non recognition skills wasn't it? Can you make sure that he is always in a position to see in future please. You really are not good at the celebrity spotting game. Equally as bad as I am at recognising the local footballers.

I'll catch you all later.

pleased to see none of you are on the wagon and that the days are rolling by (or maybe the ladies are rolling by)

...not in the spirit(s) of the thread I know but all i can manage I'm afrais.

love to all

...afraid obviously...(may be some of Izzy's liquid cheer has made it into my beverage of choice!!)

Hello J and J - if you really fancy a Christmas pud, let me know and I will happily post one to you. I still (despite trying to stop the catering sideline) sell/give away Christmas cakes and puds and I am more than happy to donate one to you from my store.

"I think you are a greater celebrity JandJ. You are an inspiration and a source of laughter."

I'll drink to that <hic>

Who knew there were so many things to be done with orange liqueur?! I'd better get the dusty bottle out!

I am logging in for my goodnight post for JandJ and all the lovely posters on this thread.

I have had a lovely day today walking my Border Collie along the canal bank. I do realise that I am getting older by the day and the knees creak and ache as I walk now. But we made it to a lovely little pub. Sadly, when I asked for "Pa's Apple Pie" the waiter shook his head. So I asked if they did Pa's "Hope on a Rope". I was told that they are hoping to get a franchise on Hope on a rope in the near future but it is going to cost a lot!

I settled for a swig of the dog's water! Well, what is the point of carrying 3 litres of water in a ruck sack and dying of thirst yourself? I have re-packed his ruck-sack ready for tomorrow and I put in a bottle of flavoured water. THAT'S MINE! I know the dog doesn't like the taste of blackcurrant and apple.... my Apple Pies are safe!

waves to Pa again

When are you back in our time zone Izzy?

Night night JandJ and ladies. I'll catch you tomorrow.

After my crap evening I could do with a load of Cosmopolitans. i will have to buy some ingredients. I have a cocktail shaker that I was given a few years ago and some proper spirit measures. and some of those little umbrellas somewhere I can feel a cocktail night with the girls coming on.

JandJ - Im glad you are doing ok. Stay strong.

First things first: this smoothie comes from California and your dcs and lns may enjoy knowing that they're sharing the favourite drink of some real cool West Coast surfer dudes.

Put 1 banana, 12 strawberries, 6 pitted dates, a tablespoon of clear honey, and 1 cup of orange juice into a blender and blend until smooth.

Add 6 ice cubes (give them a bash first if you think they'll put too much strain on your blender), blend again for 30 seconds or so, and pour into a tall glass.

For a delicious variation use 1 cup natural yogurt and 1 cup skimmed milk instead of orange juice. Warning: this drink is an energy boost; don't make it at bedtime unless you intend to dance till you drop burn the midnight oil.

Adding a generous shot of vodka, tequila, or rum, to either version has been known to convince those old enough to know better novices that they are natural born surfers. One for your next party, Homebird, served on a teatray or 2 for surfing the stairs?

Today's thought comes from a famous Stoic philosopher and Roman emperor who knew a thing or two about endurance:

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are

Well Izzy what I have been looking in the face is a looming deadline at work and the need to prove my declaration as someone who keeps my promises. It's going to be a bit touch and go but with the carrot of a Friday night cocktail to look forward to I might just make it.

Hope you're doing ok JandJ. Even if I'm a bit preoccupied I'm still thinking of you and DH.

Morning JandJ. Hoping that you are still enjoying your days with DH and the family. You must try some of the cocktail recipes that Izzy posts. We are having a virtual party on this thread.

Great thought for the day again Izzy. Okay, I'll go and tackle the bamboo that has taken over my garden .... and I have been putting off the job of cutting it back because the task seems too onerous. I will report on the success or otherwise later.

Yes...and I need to finish reading my exciting book on Contract Law...

Hi JandJ. Just checking in to say that we're still thinking of, and praying for you here.

I do hope that you and yours are having an enjoyable a time as possible, JandJ.

I've emailed the recipe for Hope on a Rope to friends in Anchorage and Buenos Aires as well as numerous other destinations - now we've got north to south as well as east to west covered, I also hope that the thoughts and prayers of wellwishers all over the world will help keep you buoyant.

The thought for today is

In times like these it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these

Morning JandJ and ladies on this thread. Well, the bamboo has been well and truly chopped back. It did try to fight back though, but I perservered and won! It was quite therapeutic really and was considering tackling another part of the garden when rain stopped play. Ah well.....

Hoping all is well with you and DH JandJ.

Wow Izzy! I wonder how many good thoughts and prayers are now being offered from around the world.

Afternoon. I hope all is well with you J and J although I'm sure tension is starting to build again. Have you heard anything further from the Hospital?
This thread has truly gone global in your honour! I really like Izzy's thought for today - when my Grandad was in hospital it was strangely a comfort to know that the world was still turning, it was just that my little corner of it was experiencing a hurricane at that time.

I also find it helpful to remember that good or bad I will never have this moment in time again...it makes me savour the good times, and reminds me that the bad ones will pass and disappear.

all the best to you all and especially JandJ

Fool I love that one.

JandJ still thinking of you all and best wishes, as I am sure you'll be wobbly again now.

Evening everyone, so nice to see you all and appreciating very much the good wishes and thoughts. As ever, some very inspiring quotes, not to mention cocktails. I'm thinking we should start up a business selling ready made cocktails with a proverb on each bottle - "izzy and Pa's Liquid Remedies". It's a sobering thought to think of people worldwide trying out recipes from this thread!

lazarusb, it's so kind of you to offer Xmas pud, I bet they're delicious and I absoluely love xmas pud. But, in all honesty, I'm still off my food and wouldn't appreciate it - maybe at Xmas, all being well, I can take you up on your lovely offer. And, just to be nosey, how did you go from cakes/desserts to law?!

sadwidow28, I'm the only person I know who managed to kill off bamboo! I so wanted it to grow but my fingers are anything but green. If you need further help taming your garden, call me in!

Well, I've been well and truly distracted from thoughts of Monday today - ds1's A-level results came out. And amazingly he did really well - I didn't think he would get the grades considering the amount of work he did (or didn't do), but he's pulled it off and will be off to uni in October! So cause for celebration (and more alcohol!). Dd also did well with her AS results so we're happy parents tonight!

We went out earlier, and came back to find a message from dh's renal consultant on the house phone just saying he wanted to catch up. Dh tried to ring him back but couldn't get through, so we're a bit worried what that was about (as he's not in the habit of ringing us), but we'll try to speak to him tomorrow.

Happy Friday to you all, and I know for sure I'll be back over the weekend for your special words of wisdom.

Many congratulations to your ds. Well done that dude! He sounds a lot like one of my dbs; there may be no perceptible physical movement but his mind is always motoring at full revs and eating the road knowledge. And many congratulations to your dd too; another success story to celebrate. Your dc have made you proud to be their dps, or do I have that the wrong way round?

I suspect that the call you received from the consultant has to do with the complaint factor. It truly does concentrate minds and, hopefully, your dh will henceforth be treated with the respect and consideration that should be every patient's right to expect from a health service that prides itself on being an example to the world.

I won't digress into a diabtribe about an example of what exactly, but suffice it to say that when dealing with any bureaucratic institution it can very much be a case of getting what you demand, and you should never be hesitant about demanding the best.

Pa & Izzy's liquid remedies? I'm going to take another look at our family tree. In common with so many others it's got a rich and varied selection of diverse characters. Puritanical Lutherans, licentious Hugenots, steadfast Quakers, robber barons, schoolmasters, lawmakers and lawbreakers of every political, apathetical, and hypothetical persuasion.

Maybe there's a pa and dd pair of snake oil sellers in a horse-drawn wagon plying their wares under a paper moon while beset by Injuns travelling the vast open spaces of the USofA which would account for my feeling of deja vu when I read your words?

But one thing's for sure, whatever a past, present, or future pa sells concocts in his laboratory den works and I'm happy to spread the word

Morning JandJ. Huge congratulations to your ds on his A level results. Now a great adventure lies before him as he goes off to university in October. I wish him well. Also congratulations to your dd. I am so pleased that your DH was able to savour the moment of their enormous success.

I also suspect that DH's renal consultant has become involved with the complaint proceedure and there is nothing to worry about.

Have another good day JandJ and bask in the reflected glory of your children's great achievements.

Bumpety bump.... we can't have JandJ's thread dropping to page 2 like it did this morning. She might need us over the weekend!

Hello J and J, nice to hear you sounding upbeat and huge congratulations to your dcs on their excellent results. I too expect the Consultant has heard about your complaint and that is why he rang.

The cake/law journey is a bit long but if have nothing better to do....
In 2000, after having dd, I gave up work but decided to study GCSE Law to keep my mind ticking over. I did well and went on to study the AS & A level in a year. I discovered that ds2 was in utero 3 days before my exams but still went on to pass. The plan was to go to Uni when he started school. The cake business was a bit of an accident - a friend of mine was getting married and my Mum was going to make their cake. However, they brought the wedding forward and my Mum was due to be on holiday. Dh and I were pretty much doing the rest of the wedding (photos, food & hall decoration) so, after a cake decorating crash course with my Mum, I ended up doing that as well.

A year before ds2 started school I became a TA (to save for fees) but my Granddad (who had more or less brought my lovely brother & I up with our Nan) experienced a significant deterioration in his health. Unfortunately he was estranged from my Dad because of my Dad's gender reassignment and my brother lives 80 miles away so I became his part-time carer too. During that time, word about my cakes & desserts was getting round and I became quite busy with that as well. My Granddad died at the end of 2008 and in the following months I started to reassess my life. I decided to study with the OU for a year to gain UCAS points and, having passed that, got a place at Uni last year.

I am able to pick and choose if and when I do cakes now (quite busy for the next 2 weeks!) which is nice, however, I've done 4 wedding cakes now and generally won't do them any more because of the stress factor!

Sorry that was so long, no doubt a better person than me could have shortened it significantly However, rest assured there is a pudding with your name on it now, ready for Christmas!

Your cakes and puds sound wonderful, laza, and I bet they taste as good as they look.

My Yankee dgm always made her Christmas cakes and puds on the Tuesday after Labor Day and they were religiously fed with brandy every week until they were consumed.

At home my dc is the waffle specialist and when I have time I enjoy making American corfee cakes - my favourite is a sour cream number with a streusel topping,

I'm also a pie gal. Pastry has always seemed a quite miraculous substance to me and nothing's nicer than a slice of warm pecan pie on a cold day.

You're about to encounter the bend that will lead you into the home strait, JandJ, and this is a time when your legs may falter and you'll need to draw on every reserve available to give you the stamina to make it to the finish line.

My late appearance today is in part because I've found it difficult to come up with a thought that will get you round that curve and spur you on.

Accordingly, instead of a thought for today I'm reproducing an ode by that most prolific of poets, Anon,, which I hope will encourage you to keep on going until you get there, honey.

I know that in truth you have no choice but, nevertheless, it may comfort you to know that others have run the race and met with success because they didn't despair and they didn't quit.

As this was oiginally written about 'man', I've taken the liberty of doing some gender reassignment of my own.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a woman turns about
When she might have won had she stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering woman;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe she might have captured the victor's cup;
And she learned too late when the night came down,
How close she was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

JandJ, Izzy is right with her encouragement today. There is always 'The silver tint in the clouds of doubt'. In fact I think that your clouds, thick as they might be, are riven with threads of silver. Your wonderful family, the skill of the surgeons, RL support and we drunkards here for you day and night with that Hope on a Rope of love (and liquor) .

Tough weekend and week ahead I'm guessing, but we're waiting to tie that knot with you and hang on tight now and through your DH's op. Sending you all prayers and love.

Good Morning JandJ. You will be making last minute preparations to take your DH to hospital once more. You will have mixed feelings, hope that things will go ahead this time and trepidation about the outcome. That is normal so go with the feelings as they happen. But smile and enjoy your day as much as you can. Have a laugh with DH as you go through the experience together. Take strength from your wonderful children, real life friends and those of us on this thread.

I send you love and prayers as always.

I am bumping your thread again as you nearly dropped off page 1.

It is 5.15pm here in the UK and I am going to take my lovely Border Collie for a long walk to a special place in the woods. We call it 'the clearing'. I take LN there sometimes to play with the dog - and within about 10 minutes, both the dog and LN experience the calmness and peace and settle down.

I don't have LN tonight (he is on a scout trip) but I have the dog who is more than willing to walk the mile to say special prayers for you and DH. I will take my special Rosary Beads. I know that you may not be a person who believes in the power of prayer, but I am. I know from our previous messages that I don't offend you when I pray extra-specially hard.

So I am about to depart for the clearing, with the dog and his rucksack all packed. Special beads (blessed by the Pope) are round my neck. I am going to stay there until I have done all 3 Mysteries of the Rosary. that should stock up your prayer cabinet for DH, you and family for tomorrow.

Catch you later!

It seems to me that we're coming to the end of thoughts for the day as prayers, albeit of religious or non-religious persuasion, will take over from hereon in.

Although we'll no doubt continue to get sloshed rabbit away here amongst ourselves while we await your updates, please be assured that our prayers will be with your dh and our thoughts will never be far from your side.

That said, there is one last thought I want to leave with you which is

There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear

You've taken counsel of your fears, JandJ, and from now on I hope you'll experience the still quiet calm in the eye of the storm that comes from being fearless.

I am back.... 3 Mysteries of the Rosary were said in the calm clearing. The calmness helps me to focus on the person I want to pray for. My beautiful Border Collie knows when I am praying, and he simply sits at my feet watching I am safe.

Tomorrow (19th August) is the 11th Anniversary since I lost my DH. I did some extra 'asking prayers' to my DH - to hold your DH's hand and keep him safe. I asked my DH to send angels to watch over you and your family.

I asked him to send the full strength of the angels and arch-angels to help your family now in this time of need.

I will continue to 'speak' to my late-DH via prayer, because if he has any more stars and comfort to award, then I am sure he will give them to your DH.

You make such a great space for prayer SadWidow and I'm sending love for your DH's anniversary. 11 years makes no difference sometimes and I'm sending prayers of comfort, and faith and hope to you too.

JandJ my prayers for you are for courage, and calm and dealing with truths not fears. And for your DH, confidence and peace and love.

My friend's mum has a quadruple bypass op planned for Monday so I'm trusting in the skill of surgeons all round and praying for healing: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual for all.

I love your concept of rabbiting away in the background Izzy. A little chatter is so much easier to be in when things are taking all your strength than a silent expectation of everyone that the one in the middle of the situation will guide things.

Off to buy a new bike chain for DS1 today as it was the end of the world yesterday when his broke. I'm having a Pollyanna moment and being glad that the troubles in his little world are so easily fixable and so minor. I wish you all the same.

Just a quick bump at my bedtime so that your thread doesn't get relegated to page 2, JandJ.

Bumping into the UK day. I'll be around from your evening and through the night again if you need me JandJ. Hope you find something nice to do today to make heading to the hospital easier. More tough leave taking of your DCs. Am praying for happy and healthy reunions very soon.

Good morning JandJ. I hope all goes well today with DH's admission to hospital. Wishing you all the strength you need and sending you love and prayers.

Hi. Sorry I am a bit late today - dd is cooking which is a stressful experience for us all! Hi J and J, I hope your dh's admittance to Hospital goes smoothly today and your dcs are ok when he leaves. I have been, and will be thinking of you all. Take care and please, look after yourself too.

SadWidow I wish you peace on this anniversary. I can't imagine what you have been through but you and your dh were truly blessed to have found each other. I'm sure you will again.

Homebird I hope your friend's mum's op goes smoothly and she recovers well. I know what you mean about realising that our troubles are small compared to others. I have been guilty in the past of being a bit of a drama llama about things which really don't matter.

Izzy I trust life is still good in the States and your folks are happy and well.

Fool - wherever you are at the moment, I hope you are ok.

I too am sending you my love and prayers JandJ. Draw strength from all the love surrounding you. Hold onto our hands.

SadWidow, I am thinking about you today, as it is also just over eleven years since my precious husband died. I was lucky to be loved and cherished by this special man. However, I am desolate at the moment, as I have had to say goodbye to Luna, my beautiful little Yorkie. I held her whilst she went into her final sleep. So sad.

Thinking of you and your H J&J hoping all goes well xx

Also thinking of you too today sadwidow xx

Sorry about your dog Forever xx

Today is a mixed day - sometimes leaky eyes and sometimes laughter. But that is what anniversaries are about. I thought I had traded my leaky eyes in for the better models years ago.... but no... they still have a go at leaking!

So today, I offered my Sunday Mass for everyone on this thread - and 'put a mass in' for JandJ's DH. (That mass will be said tomorrow especially for JandJ's DH.)

I then took the dog to the clearing again. We laid on his fleece and looked at the sky through the trees. We listened to the rustle of the breeze through the leaves..... well I listened, I think the dog was snoozing on the fleece by this time! Norty dog!!

So 3 more Mysteries of the Rosary were offered for JandJ's DH and her family.

I received a very unexpected phone call from LN's Mum this afternoon (I am the emergency contact whilst she has 4 days away with new boyfriend and LN is at Scout Camp). She said, "I saw the most beautiful sunset last night and felt I had to phone you. Is there someone you are praying for?" leaky eyes!

LN's Mum is not a believer of any recognised faith - but she has learnt how to pray whilst she faced her cancer! So I think the Sunset (with green lights) was for your DH JandJ. I thanked her for telling me and said I would let the person know who I believe needed the message.

So chuck me off this thread before I disgrace myself again. I promise to come back with vigour and vervour tomorrow. It's just today that I feel my own loss again. But I am okay! I am praying so hard that JandJ doesn't land on my path - in fact - if I see her here, I am sending her back to DH's side! The widow's journey is not her path yet............... I promise you! My DH is watching

ForeverAutumn, I feel for you. I know that some people don't understand the bond between people and animals. That is not because they don't like animals, it is just because they have never experienced a special bond.

If you need me for a chat, please send a PM. I do understand your grief which is so raw.

for foreverautumn and sad widow

Thinking of you both.

What an emotional day for many on this important thread. I came to post for JandJ obviously but I am sending thoughts of love, light and positivity to all of you, especially Sadwidow and Foreverautumn on this difficult day.

JandJ there is no shame in honest emotions. I hope all the virtual handholding, thoughts and prayers from around the world will be a small comfort to you and all your family. Best wishes to you all in the days ahead.

Hope all is ging well at the hospital JandJ and that your DH's name has appeared on all the right lists and the tests are favourable. It just needs to go ahead now for all of you despite the uncertainty.

My prayers are for you all to keep breathing in, and remembering to breathe out again. Slowly, steadily and with your hands held from all over the world.

I'm here for the night shift again and will keep checking in. Hoping you'll get some sleep but reach out if you need someone.

Foreverautumn I'm sorry to hear about your beloved dog. I was really upset when dd's hamster died last year and was told by a friend 'But it was just a hamster'. It was the first pet I felt very close to though and I missed her for a long time.

Still thinking of you J and J. Hope you manage some sleep tonight.

And a quick bumpety bump because this thread is dropping down the page and JandJ might not find it when she comes home tonight.

<waves to everyone on the thread>

<looks around for Pa's cocktails>

Have you all drunk everything? I'll trade you a chocolate chip muffin for a Hope on a Rope..........

Hello lovely ladies, (and sorry if that sounds corny but you are all lovely, and I'm assuming you're all ladies). I feel so honoured to have you all on board, you are all amazing. I don't have the strong faith that some of you have - I wish I did - but I feel priviledged (where's Fool - I think I spelt that wrong!) that you are offering up prayers for me and mine. I told Dh as I left him tonight that MN'ers all over the world were thinking of him, and (apart from making a wisecrack to the effect that it wasn't unusual for women to go to sleep thinking of him!) he, too, was touched - and also amazed.

I hope the anniversaries weren't too traumatic for you sadwidow and foreverautumn, and I'm so sorry about Luna. It's heartwrenching I know, to lose a pet. So much sadness on this thread but also so much dignity and bravery and comraderie. And strength and hope and wisdom.

I can't post much tonight, feeling a bit emotional but just wanted to let you all know that I am grateful and that, it is thanks to you lot, that I have got this far without falling off the edge. And, if all goes well tomorrow, someone needs to help me organise, if not a party, at least a meet-up! I will try and keep you posted as soon as I'm able - think he's going down first thing (about 6.30/7am).

Lots of love.x

Hi JandJ, thanks for updating us. Now you go and rest on your bed. I won't suggest sleep because that will be impossible. Do not even think about "the empty side of youru bed" because it will be warmed up soon by a stronger, healthier DH.

We will keep the prayers and positive thoughts and drunken toasts going until you come back with good news.

Take care. Love and blessings x x

All the best for tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

<<enters bearing large tray of Long Island Tea cocktails for everyone>>

My heartfelt condolences to you, sw, and also to you, autumn. I've lost far too many dear friends and relatives prematurely and, sadly, I'm familiar with the heartache of losing beloved pets.

I believe that the veil between this life and others is thin and that, although we may not be able to see our departed loved ones, or physically embrace them except in our dreams, they are nearby and we can continue to communicate with them much as we did before they went to another place in time.

That's me done on the subject of my personal belief system

On a lighter note, pa's latest experiments have been confined to making savoury ice creams. For lunch today we had bloody mary soup as described up thread with a scoop of parmesan ice cream and decorated with a sprig of fresh basil leaves - suffice it to say it's on the menu for dinner tonight.

I sincerely hope that JandJ is feeling the love and warmth of the thousand prayers that surround her and her dh and that she'll soon be able to join us and try her own special cocktail, the recipe for which is yet to be revealed.

My bad timing again. Cross posted due to breaking off to top up tea.

I'm certainly going to be going to bed thinking of your dh and you, JandJ. My prayers will also include the surgical team and I'll be wishing them success beyond their expectations.

JandJ, I love a little gentle humour. It gets you through, and I'm sure my DH could stand a few seconds gap in my constant thoughts of his own prowess to make room for a little appreciation of your DH as I go to sleep.

If you're able to rest then I should, and you may find your body protects your strength by finding a little sleep of your own.

Have to admit I sipped a fairly strong sherry Apple Pie last night before bed and raised one to you all, 'lovely ladies' here who I am proud to have met in love and generosity, and again to JandJ and her family who are an inspiration.

I'm concentrating on 'Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy' today and looking forward to that time when partying is high on our agenda.

Stop press: lightly whisk the white of an egg in a narrow shallow bowl. Crush a digestive biscuit in another narrow shallow bowl. Dip glass of your choice in egg white and then in biscuit. Freeze or chill in fridge while making Apple Pie.
A new dimension awaits... bring fingers

Sounds like a temptation Izzy! Feed the soul, and the imagination and the body! Hope nobody is up and having a go in the JandJ household though.

I'm Oscar reincarnate, Homebird. I can resist anything except temptation and, while I very much hope that JandJ is racking up a store of zzzzs, I'd be the first to understand if she's blending a mother's little helper of her own as we link hands across 3 oceans and unite in surrounding her and her dh with the kindness of strangers which contains the very essence of the fabled milk of human kindness.

I think it can definitely be called 'first thing' now. Sending safe rest to JandJ's DH, clever hands to the surgery team, steadfast hope to JandJ and the DCs, and encircling love to all those who need it.

A time of quiet prayer now.

Was quietly praying, and then I realised what Izzy said...

... a new recipe especially for JandJ!

Morning JandJ, I have just returned from the Mass that I asked to be said this morning for your DH. It was prayerful and uplifting and, like others on this thread, the priest included prayers for the surgical team. So, I am hoping we have enough prayers in the prayer bank to see your DH through his surgery this morning.

I will use my moments of down-time today to continue with silent reflectiong, prayer and postive thoughts. It is hoped that, wherever you are today, you feel yourself surrounded by love and warmth so that you do not feel alone.

Thinking of you today J and J. I know things will be well under way by now and I'm sure the love of this thread will be spurring on the surgeons in their work. Good to know your dh still has his sense of humour I hope your dcs are ok too and are wrapped in your strength, which is immense, even if you don't realise it at the moment.

This waiting time is the worst (ime) but the news will be good I'm certain. Hope you are immersed in rubbish magazines, chocolate and dodgy coffee at the moment.

Night has fallen here in NZ JandJ and you and yours are in my evening prayers. Regardless of faith, there is something concrete I would like to remind you of, and it is that surgeons are sticklers for getting it right. They only have the one procedure to concentrate on at a time and they strive for the best possible outcome every time.

Thinking of you and sending loads of comfort for the agony of the wait. Don't forget to breathe out too.

Checking in JandJ to say that you and DH are still in my thoughts. I am sure that every minute will feel like an hour. Feel the love and prayers around you and be assured that DH is in the best hands today - with the power of prayers and postive thinking around him too.

Also checking to say you, DH and DCs are in my and my DH's thoughts today.

Hope you can feel our collective virtual presence and support and gain a smidgen of comfort from it.

Praying for you all too JandJ xx

(who or what could possibly resist the love on this thread!)

It is now 4.13 pm in the afternoon in the UK. I have spoken to every member of my family and friends I could muster this afternoon and the prayers should be floating to your DH now JandJ.

It is time for my lovely Border Collie to do his last LONG walk of the day so we will head for the clearing again. I have a feeling we have to get more prayers in the prayer bank for DH's recovery period.

I'll catch up in a couple of hours when we are back home.

Delurking to say that my thoughts are with you and your family.

Sending much love and hoping that today has brought the right result. Thinking of you.

I sat on the beach in the sunshine today thinking of you (all of you actually), but of course, particularly J and J. I hope things have gone well today and the surgeons have been as positive as they can be. Will check in again later tonight.

And once again, it's a new day. JandJ, I want you so much to say those words. The circle has gone a full turn again and your worldwide network is with you whatever the time of day and whenever you need us. Springydaffs is right about the love that is here for you and yours.

You're all expending so much positive energy and prayer, I almost feel as if I've let you down - it didn't happen AGAIN!!!!

Admission last night went fine, dh was first on the list this morning. By 6 this morning he'd been shaved, gowned and had pre-op. Nobody appears to take him down to theatre until at 10.30 the anaesthetist arrives to say the operation is cancelled - because they don't have the right type of blood! The surgeon appears after about two hours, impervious to dh's entreaties to tell him what he thinks of this farcical situation. Apparently it's once again "not his fault" and he was all ready to do the list but someone hadn't organised the blood - and, by the way, "I'm on holiday now until 3 September". All he could keep saying was how frustrating it was - but I think he meant frustrating from his point of view.

(The haematology notes were not in dh's file, but as another doctor told us later, they shouldn't have needed those particular notes, there was more than enough info in the file they did have.)

It was at this point that I disgraced myself by crying and begging Dr Dismissive to consider our situation, and to see how very much more than "frustrating" it was, how we and our children had been through the wringer, how we'd been living under the constant threat of losing our lynch pin, how Dh had a life to lead and a course to attend, how we're too old and dh is too ill to waste any more time, how we'd been led to believe this operation was urgent. I begged him to personally call the consultant haemotologist (who he'd apparently left a message for) and to "please be on side for us". At the end of all this, Dr Dismissive looked at me with great distaste and said "yes, it's very frustrating, so 3 September it is then".

Shortly after, one of the kidney doctors who dh knew came to see how dh was doing. He was appalled on our behalf, and suggested complaining to the Chief Executive of the Trust, the Director of Clinical Medicine and the Head of Surgery. He said that we may be able to claim some financial compensation for missing out on Bar School - but as I know you'll all realise, it's not the financial but the emotional aspect of all this which is killing us. He also apologised and said "I know that doesn't help much", but actually, considering the attitudes of the cardiac docs - it helped a lot.

The dc were distraught when we told them, yet again, what had happened - ds2, in particular, was angry. Dh has this afternoon rung the Clinical Director of Medicine (who, many years ago when we first moved to this area, was the doctor in charge of dh's care, and who seems to regard dh highly, and who has given dh his mobile number) - so he is already on the case. And the Head of Surgery is also one of dh's fans (having carried out serious surgery on him at least twice before and been taken by dh's bravery and fortitude). So that leaves the Chief Executive.

I'm so sorry this post has been all about me and mine, I have read all your kind thoughts but I'm kind of fielding phone calls, and a friend is dropping round at 8, so I'm rushing but just wanted to update you all. I will be back.
x

I am open mouthed. It's unbelievable. I am very very angry on your behalf.

JandJ, this is absolutely bloody unforgiveable!!!!! I think I KNOW your Dr Dismissive......or maybe it was his brother Dr Arrogant. I hope all the support your DH is finding he has, will help get an immediate result.

One morning I arrived at the hospital to visit my late husband, and he wearily asked me "What is the difference between Dr Arrogant and God". "Dunno, what is the difference between Dr Arrogant and God". His reply....."God doesn`t think he`s Dr Arrogant". Ah.......you have met him JandJ.

Oh JandJ! I cross posted with you and I am open mouthed at the treatment your DH and his family is receiving. I am glad that your DH has started to talk to the powers that be and although I was completely understanding of your reticence to complain last time I think you have no choice now. Regardless of whether a complaint helps anyone else, you deserve a different response for yourselves.

I'm pretty sure I recall one of us lovely ladies saying she had the skill to help you craft the appropriate letters. If she is still out there and willing I'd be snapping up her offer. I'd look up who it was but my employer has a nasty habit of expecting me to work when I'm at work.

Still enfolding you in love and comfort.

J and J, we (dh & I) are both disgusted and angry on your behalf. Don't worry about crying in front of the Dr, it's a wonder you didn't knee him in the groin (I would have been SORELY tempted). I can't believe that you've been let down so badly again in such a shoddy, uncaring way. You and your lovely family have been through Hell and this seems to be so cruel. By the way, don't apologise to us - we will stay and keep you company as long as you want us to.

When you feel ready, please write that letter to the Chief Executive, this is absolutely unacceptable. I know compensation would be of no comfort to you but maybe it would hit them where it hurts and you could put the money towards Uni fees or something?

Oh my lord! it's just awful J&J I don't know quite what to say to you
So sorry you've all been let down again, imo it's gone way way beyond not acceptable.

Agree with lazarusb, when you feel ready to do so, write that letter of complaint. It can't change what's happened to you and yours but it may stop others in any similar situation being treated as appallingly as your family have been.
I really am angry, disgusted and devastated on your behalf.
Big hugs to all of you tonight xxxx

I am sorry JandJ... I can't post at this time because I don't swear.

I'll be back later.

What about contacting one of the lovely tabloids out there. They would love a story like this one. Publicity even adverse publicity seems to work.
Really angry on your behalf J&J

The way your dh has been treated, albeit that he's failed to be treated for a condition that you were told well over a month ago required urgent surgical intervention, is beyond disgraceful.

It's yet another shocking indictment of the NHS which frequently appears to be incapable of joined up thinking and regards patients as if they are inconveniences.

Without knowing which Trust is responsible for this shocking state of affairs, it seems we can confidently assume that it is not fit for purpose.

To me, your experience is further confirmation that unless NHS patients fall within the category of the great, the good, the famous and infamous, or happen to be politicians, successful outcomes are more a matter of accident than design.

I very much doubt that the surgeon who so callously dismissed your concerns today is quite so dismissive of those who are on his private list, and I also very much doubt that there would have been any shortage of whatever blood type your dh requires had he been a private patient.

Your dh has been placed in the invidious situation of needing to make a formal complaint in order to get the treatment he needs, and the fact that this treatment has been represented as being of critical need renders his situation even more unenviable as, inevitably, you are going to wonder whether complaining before he receives treatment will have an adverse effect on the quality of the care he eventually receives.

Certain things are sent to try us, but this is a trial by ordeal too far and I hope that you will raise hell with the numpties who are responsible for causing so much havoc and distress to you and yours, JandJ.

As for you being sorry that your update has been all about you and yours, we may natter away when you're otherwise engaged and I'm more culpable than most for passing the drinks and edibles around and going off topic, as it were, but no-one loses sight of the fact that this is your thread, your place to offload and generally unburden yourself and you have nothing to apologise for using it as it was intended to be used.

The circle continues to widen and the prayers go on; somewhat amended to take account of this further unwelcome change in your circumstances but, nevertheless, they remain intended to comfort you throughout your time of need and beyond.

awful, awful. I am so sorry you've all been put through this. It really is appalling that you've been strung out like this. I hope you get some redress - I'm sure you will - but, as you say, that's not the point for you all at the moment.

I'm just so sorry you've all been put through this

So sorry you have been treated this way, your H deserves so much better

JandJ, you must be exhausted emotionally as well as physically. Izzy is right, this is your thread, here for you, and whilst we keep the home fires burning it is only so that they are a welcoming light when you need it.

The words of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights keep going through my mind. 'No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.' They were there at the last cancellation and they're screaming now.

Your DCs are being put through so much alongside you and your DH and the system is failing you all. I'm almost glad your DS2 is angry. Perhaps it will help him deal with what must be tumultuous emotions.

Time for the Trust (haha) bigwigs, MPs, Department of Health. Demand private treatment paid for by them, and well before 3rd September. Shout, stamp and cry if you need to and don't worry about who sees it.

And above all, remember that we are here, and we care, and we will listen.

That reads so much like a sermon (sorry to rant on your thread) that I think I need to announce that today's hymn words are 'Speak through the earthquake, wind and fire'.

I hope you managed to sleep a little last night. Can you e-mail your local MP, just express your total frustration and sheer hurt. This cannot be doing your blood pressure etc any good. Can we help in any way? We are all furious for you, but always here when you need us (despite the waffling!).

This is horrendous. I'd be tempted to go to the local paper and definitely your MP. So sorry for you and your family.

Okay, I can post now.... I am simply so sorry that I couldn't post last night JandJ.

Firstly, let me reiterate what Izzy said: THIS IS YOUR THREAD!

The fact that we banter and bump the thread is to keep it on the front page of MN so that you can find it when you need it/us. We are simply the JandJ support team - not the protagonists. Your DH and your family have to been an inspiration to each and every one of us on this thread. Of course we have shared our stories - but only so that you feel that you meet with friends who have experience to share. Nothing more and nothing less.

I don't audit NHS now - but have enough contacts to make a few phone calls to get up-to-date advice.

Can you google your NHS and PCT and check who the auditing body is? This is important for when you send your letter of complaint to the CEO. You should copy in the Clinical Director, your DH's current surgeons and the Auditing Body. Also copy in your local MP with an additional covering letter asking him to ask a question in The House of Andrew Lansley (Secretary of State for Health).

Now, Parliament is 'down' at the moment - but don't miss the trick of getting your MP engaged at this stage. The secretaries and PAs are all holding the fort and they will get your letter through to your MP.

Write a factual timeline account - dates when your DH was told this operation was 'urgent' and needed to be done sooner rather than later; who told you; who confirmed it etc. Note in the timelime any letters, discussions and phonecalls you have had subsequently - including the reasons given for cancellation. (Use this thread to help you with the dates and events.) Okay - that is the factual bit sorted!

Then your letters should refer to the timeline of events and it is the letter that should focus on the emotional devastation that DH, you and your family have endured. It is in the letter that you refer to his Bar Course which will now have to be deferred for a year.

Claim all costs - the Bar, the travelling to/from hospital for non-events, loss of work for you/children and include pecuniary costs of about £5,000 for emotional damage for the whole family. (I know you are not into the financial loss - but £5,000 would get you a good holiday when DH eventually has his operation and the family needs some re-grouping.)

Can you also remember what the original consultant said? "Without this operation your DH will........... " If you can show life-threatening (which I think you can) then you ask why the hospital is playing Russian Roulette with your DH.

Now there is a separate phone call that you need to make...... not a letter.... you say that you will arrive at x hospital tomorrow at x am to pick up a full record of his medical notes. You have to do it this way so that 'they' don't have time to go through the file and remove paperwork. If they haven't time to photocopy - you say that the original record belongs to DH and they can photocopy HIS records in your presence. The original belongs to your DH.

(I am looking at my copious notes and I really think I have reflected what I was asked to advise you. I do have a friend who was a former CEO of a hospital down South and she has said that I can phone her back with any questions you might have.)

Love to you as always JandJ x x

If you save the thread into 'I'm watching', any responses are clear to see and it saves the pressure of keeping the thread on the first page iyswim.

I've been so impressed with the love on this thread. Really restored my faith in humankind it has. How lovely people can be.

HOpe all's going well OP xx

I know how to do that springydaffs - but OP just needs a bump if she hasn't done that setting.

How are you doing now SD? You have given so much thoughtful advice on other threads that I think you have really moved on.

SD? is that me? moved on from what?

semi-hijack there JandJ, apologies X

[it's somebody else isn't it? like when someone waves and you wave back enthusiastically and they're waving at the person behind you]

Hello JandJ. SadWidow has come up with all the practical (and we hope very effective) practical stuff to do. Isn't she amazing?

I have nothing like that to offer. Just a rag bag of fierce emotions regarding the goings on, or lack thereof, and lots of love and peace and calm to help you through. You are an inspiring family and we are here for you.

Just checking in again today to say hello and that you and yours are very much on my mind.

SW - what a wonderful person you are! Would love to have you on my side in a situation like this!

Having said that lazarusb, not sure I'd want to be up against her

My friend's mum had her quadruple bypass as planned on Monday and is doing really well. I just so wish that both of Monday's operations had gone ahead, with the same good results. Hope on a Rope helped my friend through Izzy so thank you to you and your Pa from me and from him.

Thinking about the JandJ family this evening. I can't imagine what is going through your heads. I for one am still and Hang on to your love for each other, and trust in us to stay here for you, willing the best from this situation that can be.

Oo, do I get the prize for the most emoticons?

you do

very colourful and heartening for JandJ

I can only imagine the confusion and fear that you must all be feeling right now JandJ. I send my heartfelt compassion and much love.

Evening all - how amazing you all are, and special thank you to sadwidow for going to such great lengths to advise us on how to proceed next. Dh says you've all to stop making him cry or you'll think he's soppy

So - the Clinical Director rang Dh on Monday night and dh told him all that had happened. The Director asked us to leave it with him for a couple of days.

Yesterday Dh received a call from a haematologist telling him to double his dose of heparin. Dh was very reluctant to do this without speaking to a kidney doc, as last year he was in hospital for nearly three weeks with non-stop bleeding. So all day yesterday we tried to contact someone in the renal department - Dh's consultant is on holiday (which we knew - this is what the phonecall we missed last Friday was about), his deputy is on holiday, dh's named nurse is on holiday, we couldn't get hold of the doctor who had been so sympathetic on Monday etc.

Finally, at about 6ish, all out of ideas on what to do, I managed to get hold of dh's ex named nurse - sheer desperation on my part as she had moved on from that particular job about three years ago - but I just had no idea what else to do. Dh was in such a state by this time - angry, frustrated, not knowing who to listen to, all faith he may once have had in the cardiac team completely gone etc. She, fortunately, was able to contact one of the renal doctors who dh has known of old, who said to hold off doubling the dose until he'd tracked down the consultant who'd told dh to take it. At about 9 last night, he rang back to say he'd spoken to another haematologist, explained dh's circumstances, and they had both agreed that, under no circumstances, should he double the dose.

Today, the Clinical Director rang dh to say he'd spoken to the cardiac team who he described as "fucking incompetent", and who he went on to talk about in less than glowing terms. The upshot is that when dh goes in for the op on 3rd Sept he will be admitted to a renal ward, not a cardiac ward, and after spending however long he needs to in ITU, he'll be returned to a renal ward, not cardiac. In the absence of dh's consultant, the director has named a specific nephrologist (as it happens - the one who was so sympathetic to us on Monday) to deal with dh's admission and to co-ordinate all necessary treatment.

Later today, the above doc rang us to say he'd spoken to the head of haemotolgy to discuss dh's treatment. They have decided that dh needs to be admitted five days before the op as he needs specific doses of iv immuno suppressant stuff as they will have to give him platelets during his operation. Which begs the question - should this treatment not have been given to him five days prior to each of the three previous cancelled operations? And what would have happened if the operation had gone ahead without this treatment? As Dr Dismissive kept telling us on Monday, this is a "complicated and risky" enough operation as it is, but now with all this talk of tests dh should have been having, I have totally lost all faith.

Ironically, dh himself is much calmer as he feels relieved to have the clinical director on board. I, however, keep remembering how panicky I felt way back when I first posted, before this catalogue of disasters had even happened - and I've now convinced myself that this whole venture is doomed. There seems to have been so much imcompetence, lack of communication, lack of care, inability on one part of the medical team to look at the bigger/overall picture etc that I cant help this pervading sense of almost hatred which is creeping over me.

I hate feeling like this because for many many years the NHS has been a godsend for us, and for many millions of others I know. And we've met so many incredible people who have sincerely cared, but now I just feel suspicious and distrustful (is that the right word?!). And you know, fortunately for us, dh is the sort of person who doesn't unquestioningly do as he's told (little clue there as to why his teachers apparently hated him at school!), he's been ill enough for long enough to want exlanations and reasons. But how many millions of people out there just accept without question what the doctors tell them to do? If Dh had taken that double dose last night, I fear the game would have been over there and then (and you would all have been spared this massive essay for which I apologise!)

The silver lining in all this, for me, has been turning to mn and discovering anew that there are people out there, many of whom have had their own tragedies, who care enough to really interact and give of themselves to a total stranger (who may possibly have had a bit more gin tonight than is good for her!)

JandJ, thank you for updating. I won't respond to the detail of your post at the moment - just give me an hour to reflect.

By the way ladies, I will bat for each and everyone of you as hard as I am doing for JandJ if you need me. Please God you never need me!

JandJ, when your DH comes through this, I will tell you more information about my family - and the incompetence of the NHS. Sweetie, I don't say that to worry you at all, I am just saying that I won't stand by and let your family go through the trauma that we did. It was only when we 'pooled' our knowledge and contacts did we save my eldest nephew! He is the happy husband to a beautiful, supportive wife and dad of 2 young daughters - 2 years on now he doesn't show any signs of having to say his 'goodbyes'.

I, however, keep remembering how panicky I felt way back when I first posted, before this catalogue of disasters had even happened - and I've now convinced myself that this whole venture is doomed.

Now, come on JandJ, you are a really strong woman ..... and the MN JandJ team have been behind you to give you strength and kick some arse (is that a swear word?)

It isn't doomed - please look at how far you and DH have come in making connection with the appropriate professionals! It is DH's renal team who will oversee his cardiac operation now and there is a lot of rivalry within specialist teams Your DH is now back to being a person: a human being: a dad and a husband. Believe me, you have achieved what needed to be achieved.................. nobody in that hospital cam actually AFFORD to lose your DH now. So, now they are on the dame page as you are. Their reasons are monetary - yours are about the lynch pin of your family. At least both teams can't afford to lose him - and he will get the very best care afforded now.

But nobody should have to fight the way that you and DH have done. However, you may have saved his life!

I can't even blame my poor spelling/typos on an iPad - I am on my little netbook!

Duh!

Am I getting this right? that it's a very good job those ops didnt go ahead if DH should have been having a 5-day course of immuno suppressants prior?

Plus, out of this reprehensible mucking about you've had, you've got the big boys on the job micro-managing DH's care, plus breathing down the necks of the people who let you down.

I understand those feelings of hatred etc. When you first posted, you were in extremis, the fear and worry had pushed you 'far out' iyswim. the opposite to that see-saw is very probably anger and rage/hatred. all normal stuff - ie your emotions will swing quite wildly sometimes at the mo iyswim becaue of the pressure of the situation?

I should have thought you are in very good hands now that everyone is on the case and watching it closely.

thinking of you and praying for you all. xx

Springdaffs has encapsulated the situation so succinctly

Waiting for Izzy to wade in come in and post!

I am very glad that you now have the Clinical Director very much on your side and double checking everything. It's absolutely shocking that the immuno suppressants haven't been mentioned before - and frightening. I hope that, when his next admission takes place, you are both treated like real, intelligent, human beings and you are given the information you need at the right times. If you ask questions, you will be given clear, honest answers.

However, don't look on this as negative. As others have said, your dh will be a VIP now and they will be very concerned about ensuring he has the best possible care. I'm glad that you aren't taking all this at face value though and very pleased that doubling the dose was questioned in the way it was. It's a shame more people don't question what doctors tell them.

Continuing to think of you all and sending you all the virtual strength I can muster!

Oh JandJ, what a whirl wind of discovery. Congratulations to your DH for sticking to his info-gathering stubborn streak. I get teased for mine but he's just given me the courage to follow in his footsteps and make sure I get the why and not just the what.

I have learned the hard way over the years that each person has to be the guardian of their own life / case when it comes to medicine. For very sensible reasons the disciplines are kept apart but it means that people with conditions that cross boundaries are rarely seen as whole people and there is nobody whose job it is to do the joined up thinking. It's amazing how much better treatment can happen when someone is given permission to coordinate properly and know that they will be listened to by their colleagues from other disciplines because big brother the clinical director is watching.

You have had shock after shock after shock and it is hardly surprising that your confidence in all things hospital is shaken to the core. I want to add my voice to all your other lovely ladies and hold your hand whilst the cavalry new coordinating doctor whips them all into shape. Your DH is truly a VIP from now on (he always was to us ) but I am trying to resist the temptation to purposely go for a soppy tear so I won't say that!

Struggling today ladies. Dh has cancelled Bar School - he spoke to them and there are attendance quotia to meet that he won't make. He said to me "don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'll find something profitable to do with my time".

Back later.

Was the cancellation of Bar School DH's choice - or a lack of understanding by Bar School about 'exceptional circumstances'?

Did he speak to an Admissions Tutor/Manager or a junior in the Admin office?

Your DH can apply for late admission and short term special circumstances - but DH's consultants will have to work with the Admission Department.

Sad (I have pm'd you, hope you don't mind) - he spoke to an Admissions advisor who was very nice but who said that, even if he caught up on the work he missed, he would not meet the attendance guidelines they have to go by. They've deferred his place for a year and, although I keep telling dd that a year isn't long (she hates school but has another year to go!) it certainly feels like it at this minute.

I've also emailed our MP asking for a meeting.

Homebird, I've been meaning to pass on my best wishes to your friend's Mum for ages, I'm so glad to hear that she's doing well - long may that continue. And lazarus, thank you for telling us about your route into the law - sounds like you've had a few issues of your own to contend with, hope things are on a more even keel for you now.

Your updates have sent me to a place beyond white hot anger where I am on the brink of becoming incoherent with rage, JandJ.

I'd hoped that a spot of genteel mumsnetting on other threads would lower my blood pressure and render me capable of rational thought in respect of your circumstances but, sadly, this has not proved to be the case.

I am in off in search of something considerably stronger than Hope on a Rope and will return when I am able to order my thinking and can contribute more than a stream of Anglo-Saxon coupled with a desire to take a Kalishnikov to the lot of them.

Please avert your delicate sensibilities eyes and put your hands over your ears, sw, as I depart muttering a litany of cunts, fuckers, arseholes, dickheads, bellends, knobs et al.

Just dropping in JandJ to give your shoulder a quick squeeze. I wonder if we should send Izzy off to her Pa with a request for a recipe for 'In Vitro Incandescence'?

Sounds like hanging on to that rope is the best that can be done at the moment. Nothing wrong with a G&T either JandJ. You don't have to be up and at it all the time. Take some time for you and the family too. Sending you love, and in the absence of a cocktail, have a to go with the general at recent events.

Hi J and J. I know you are upset about your dh having to defer Bar School but at least it's deferred, not cancelled. In a years time he will be recovered from this op and more than ready to get back into study. In the meantime he can concentrate on recovering from this op in September and have Christmas to look forward to without mountains of work to catch up on.

As for my 'story' - it has felt like living in a soap opera at times and I was on the verge of giving up completely more than once, but on I went, channelled my inner stubbornness and got there in the end! Thankfully, I have a fantastic dh who has always supported me through everything and great children (2 still at home) who know when I need peace & quiet to read through Lord Denning's daft judgments!

Just bumping the thread to say hello again. Here on the South Coast the Bank Holiday Weekend has started with wind and rain. We are off to ds1 & his gf's house today for a barbecue to celebrate her parents silver wedding anniversary. Nothing like a barbie in the rain is there? Never mind, I've always liked a challenge (not so keen on soggy burgers!).

Take care and hope you all have a good weekend.

We have been and at your and DH's experience JandJ but my mum is someone who is convinced that sometime things happen for a reason, in your case the delays of the previous two (dangerous?) admissions resulting in your DH being under the Clinical Directors eye and now he will be receiving the very best of care from all involved.

Of course, that doesn't make it forgivable that you've had to ride that unnecessary rollercoaster. Your frustration regarding Bar School is clear, but like you said to DD time will soon pass, a year really isn't that long and he'll be starting next year before you know it.

so disappointing for you JandJ. Would he really, though, have been up for quite a gruelling regime so close to an op?? I hope that by the time next year comes round you will see the sense of the delay. failing that, is there a Jan admittance?

I can bet that izzy's incandescence is shared by the PTB in this. It's all in the right hands and, maybe, your awful experience will ensure it doesn't happen to other people. Small comfort at the time, though.

HOpe all's well chez JandJ xx

hanging my head is shame and disbelief......so sorry for what you have been through/are going through and the strain on all of you JandJ.

much love and all prayers and thoughts to you all.

xxfool

JandJ, I haven't had a PM since Wed 22-Aug-12 22:09:25

I reponded to that and gave you my phone number (with enough details for you to check me out).

Anyway, my offer to speak to the University/Bar Association on behalf of your DH still stands. I may not get anywhere - but I think it is worth a shot! I need more information about the placement and the attendance requirements. I can then look into the 'exceptional circumstances' criteria.

3-4 weeks at the start of a course is usually manageable. However, there will be a waiting list for your DH's course and it is sometimes more easily practicable for them to defer one and accept another.

PM me again if you want to.

In the meantime, I hope you are all bearing up well and enjoying the bank holiday.

SW x

Hi all, up late tonight as I can't sleep, very unlike me - sleeping is the only thing I'm any good at! Sad - I'm really sorry, but I haven't received a pm from you? Just had another look, but nowt there!

Well, not much to report other than the five days of Iv/Ig stuff can now apparently be done over two days so dh will be admitted on Tuesday until Thursday this coming week, ready for the op (dare we believe it?) on 3rd. Also, after having been told that he would be admitted to a renal ward prior to the op, he received a phone call yesterday from an admissions lady telling him to present himself at the cardiac ward on the 2nd.

He has sorted it now and will definitely be admitted to the renal ward, but it just goes to show that the communication between departments is still not as it should be. I emailed our mp few days ago, and received a reply yesterday to say that mp's secretary is away until 3rd, but she will contact me then.

Have been trying to get ds1 to begin sorting himself out, prior to going away in September, but have to admit to being very half hearted about it! I don't wan't him to leave us! Well, I do because that's how it should be, but I prophecy that, one way and another, September is going to be an emotional month in our household. Making lunch tomorrow for some friends so I'm off to hit the cocoa now in an attempt to get some sleep! Nothing like living dangerously!

Hope you're all having good weekends, and for those of us due one - happy bank holiday.

Hope you've got some sleep JandJ. I'm glad that DH's pre op. stuff can be condensed into fewer days as it's nobody's idea of fun hanging round in hospitals. He sounds like an amazing man and with the promise of the renal ward rather than cardiac he will get the treatment he needs appropriate to him as a whole person. His strength in keeping checking all the arrangements is astounding and if he can't get the agreement he needs from the hospital I'm sure the clinical director won't object to further calls at any time of the day or night

Thank you for sending your best to my friend's mum. I'd never seen a 6'7" man fall to his knees in the office before and cry but that's what happened when he heard his DM had come safely through surgery. It just goes to show that you just respond as the moment takes you and whatever and wherever, it's all ok.

Not surprising that you have mixed feelings about DS going off in September. I prophesy a wonderful weekend when he makes a trip home and DH is celebrating coming home from hospital. Maybe a celebratory cocktail or two will be shaken, not stirred!

In the meantime, a comforting and sleep provoking cocoa is just the ticket so here's a to put it in! Night night!

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping JandJ and hope it gets back on track soon.

Just a little note to say that I worked in an admin capacity at a hospital for a while and the security/confidentiality policies are at the root of the absurdly bad comms between depts. At least he's firmly under the renal umbrella now under the beady eye of the big boys.

HOpe you managed to get some sleep xx

Do you need any of us with banners outside the hospital making sure they operate on your dh this time?! It's disgusting that even now it's been left up to your dh to sort out which ward he's being admitted to. However, I'm pleased that he only has to be in for 2 days rather than 5 prior to his op.

Is your ds going far from home? I remember crying like a baby when my brother went to Uni ...and he brought me his washing home every weekend! It is hard (even as a pseudo parent) but the best thing they will ever do. He'll be having a whale of a time and you'll be worrying about whether he's eating or not!

I hope you had a bolstering lunch with your friends today and had a day to remember, leaving you pleasantly tired for a sound nights sleep tonight.

Best wishes to you all, of course

Just popping by to wave and give a twinkle of encouragement. Hope you've had a good night's sleep and have a few good plans for today. Don't forget DS will need his very own working can opener!

Hi J and J. Hope you are ok and have something nice going on today. I spent 5 hours making desserts yesterday for my mum's annual barbecue with my OA playing up which made getting things in and out of the oven a bit tricky. However, dh took the dcs out and spent the afternoon with the in-laws so at least I avoided that I feel better today though so am now hoping the weather stays dry and I can enjoy eating!

Can your ds cook? Even basic things will give him a huge advantage at Uni and if he can budget and shop sensibly, that will be invaluable. Additionally, if he is familiar with a range of household cleaning products and can change a toilet roll he will be very popular indeed!

Another one just popping by. I never know what to add when people are giving you such great support and encouragement, but I'm sure there are others like me, mainly lurking but willing for things to get better for you and your family x

I hope you are getting a good night's sleep tonight before DH's admission tomorrow, but suspect you might have a disturbed night.

Our very best wishes to DH tomorrow and hope the Clincal Director is watching very closely.

Evening all, or more accurately, morning all. So comforting to see you all hanging on in here, advising and supporting, we do appreciate it.

Hope your bank holiday weekends have been relaxing (sorry *Homebird - are you due one any time soon?). Had a lovely day yesterday, but not done a great deal today (other than watch cry at Sense and Sensibility). I'm not having trouble sleeping tonight as such but I got up about half an hour ago to go to the loo and saw the world's hugest spider. I'm now scared to close my eyes in case it comes for me.

Lazarus - so sorry to hear you have OA, that must be painful and I can well imagine five hours of cooking didn't help. Hope you at least got a chance to sample some of your desserts? Ds is going quite far - about three hours away. He's not too bad in the kitchen (at cooking that is, the cleaning-up-after-yourself lessons don't seem to have sunk in) - it's his birthday in September so I'll be sure to buy him his very own tin opener!

I'm having a bit of a debate with myself as to whether I should persist in arranging a meeting with our MP, or even write a letter to the Trust. I kind of feel that, now that the Clinical Director has waded in on our behalf, there's nothing to be gained by taking this any further. On the other hand, we only have his word for it that he did wade in, and if I see our MP could that potentially be beneficial to others in future? Should I wait and see what happens on the 3rd? I'm not thinking very clearly just now - what would you all do? Have spoken to a few RL friends, and consensus is to go ahead and write.

Will try and be brave now and banish all further thoughts of massive man-eating plate-sized spiders from my mind and attempt to sleep - I may be back!

Hi JandJ I've sent the spirit of our cat to sort out your spider. She has a nasty habit of pinning them down by one leg and flicking them across the room. Then she follows, picks another leg and does it all again. Horrible I know but good to imagine to chase away the bogey spider-man! Hope you slept well after your nocturnal posting.

In answer to the bank holiday thing. We get more than our fair share in NZ at the beginning of the year but between the Queen's Birthday in June and Labour Day in October there's nothing. All those years living in the UK and I didn't even know when the Queen's birthday was. Now I look forward to it!

I've been thinking about your DS. When I went to uni my DM was in and out of surgery in connection with her, then ongoing, cancer progression. Communication seemed to be the key and I am so pleased for your DS that these days there are mobile phones and email and Facebook and any number of ways of keeping in touch. I'm not as old as the hills but my halls of residence didn't even have a working pay phone and I still have the bundle of letters which DM wrote me over those years. Three hours isn't an impossible distance and it'll make visits home so much more pleasurable when they happen. I know you're taking a lot of deep breaths at the moment but the ones over DS will be the wind beneath his wings.

When you're thinking about how to proceed with the complaint then might you think about using it to encourage the good behaviour as well as raise the bad? If you tell your catalogue of disasters but then tell the things that worked in part to put things right then it might actually make a difference for the future and encourage them to work well for your DH now and in any future brushes with the system. It would allow you to name and shame, but also to recognise those who have opened doors and sorted things. Just a thought. You can ignore me if it's bonkers and send me back off to sip another cocktail.

Hi J and J. The back eased up after a while and I got some positive responses on some new recipes. Didn't get to try any as they were eaten very quickly! Maybe suggest to your ds that young ladies like a man who can clean a kitchen?!

I would still write a letter but do it when you are ready, no need to rush! I hope things are going well today. (This could turn out to be one of those threads I read with only eye open otherwise!).

Thinking of you all.

yeurk re the spider. Read Charlotte's Web, that helps to 'humanise' them!

I'd carry on with the complaint iiwy. You may pick it up and put it down in the coming weeks but at least launch it iyswim - get it out there, get it started. You'll certainly get support if not specific wording from izzy and co along the way on here.

You're sounding calm, giant spider notwithstanding . HOw are you feeling, or are you putting on a brave front? xx

Thinking of you and DH with the prep days in hospital this week. At least being in now will mean that they are alerted to everything needing to be in place for the 3rd you'd have thought. Take care and know that I'm praying for you.

Still hanging around here for you J and J. Hope things have gone well this week and your dh is ok. Take care of yourselves.

Still thinking of you all and hope the last few days have gone well at the hospital. Enjoy having DH home tonight. Best wishes to you all of course.

Hello again. Just popping in for my Thursday visit. Hoping very much that things have progressed smoothly this week.

Well, it's out Friday so it must be nearly yours JandJ. Sending you love for the weekend and courage for the 3rd.

Our Friday (out too for DH?)

Evening all, Thursday already (well, Friday for Homebird). I have that sinking feeling that I always get towards the end of the summer holidays! It hasn't been the best break for us this year, but I still don't want it to be over!

Still not convinced the hospital have a complete handle on things. Instead of being admitted from Tuesday to Thursday, dh has been having to stay over-night every night whilst he has this stuff they've now decided he needs. He'll have to keep doing this right up until Sunday night. It actually works out fine because he can be at home resting all day, it's just the continual chopping and changing of plans that worries me a bit.

Thank you Homebird for sending your cat on over - he must have done the job because I haven't seen the monster since (although I'm a bit worried as to where his lair is, I keep expecting him to jump out at me). We do actually have a huge ginger tom of our own, but he is the world's scarediest scaredy-cat - which I think is because his tiny toirtoise-shell mother used to cuff him round the ear all the time. I've never seen him attack, let alone kill, anything and I think just the sight of the spider-monster would have finished him off! And springy funny you should mention Charlotte's Web - it was actually on one day this week.

Have great weekends everybody, I know I will be quaking all over again on Sunday but I take great comfort from knowing that your good wishes are coming our way. If I don't get back before then (going to see DF tomorrow until late Saturday so won't be around much over the weekend), I will update as soon as possible. Many thanks to you all. x

Sending much love and strength to you all JandJ, and there`s lots more where that came from, whenever you need it. I`m still reeling from the loss of my Luna, who never knew she was my dog, she thought she was my baby. I probably haven`t been around quite as much, but always for you and your family. Stay strong, and pass my sincere admiration on to your DH for the way he is handling everything.

havent posted for a while, but am still lurking. I send you all my best wishes and positive thinking.

Hi JandJ Glad the e-cat was some assistance. You may be looking for the wrong shape of creature. What is left after leg-billiards performed by said cat looks something like a raisin or rabbit dropping dependent on the size of the original creature. Judging from your description of size it may actually look more like a left over prune. Regarding your ginger Tom, I think I may be a tiny tortoiseshell mother!

I'm not surprised you're still unsure of what the hospital are up to. Chopping and changing never did bring a sense of security! Hope DH is coping with the endless ins and outs and that the treatment isn't knocking him about too much. I hope that you are managing to keep a record of all the comings and goings and changes so that if you decide to document/complain you have something to refer to to make it easier.

Wishing you the best for your trip to see DF and I'll be thinking of you all as you make your way to the hospital on Sunday ready for the 3rd.

Forever I'm so sorry about Luna. That gap is horrible and the mind has a terrible of making you think you see movement out of the corner of your eye. Sending you love and comfort at this difficult time.

Well, I'm glad your dh has managed to avoid hospital food a bit, if nothing else. I hope the travelling to and fro hasn't worn you both out too much. I know what you mean about the school hols being over and having to get back to routine - not my forte at all!

I hope you are having a restful time at DF's and you will get a bit of breathing space before Sunday. Take care.

Just dropping in on NZ Father's Day to say that I've got your DH in my thoughts JandJ and his wonderful role in your family. Tell him he can have an extra Father's Day this year and Monday will be the start of another wonderful year. as gifts for the day

Sorry i haven't dropped in much recently - we are in the middle of moving home and internet access has been sporadic over the last few days. But, I wanted you to know our thoughts have been, and will continue to be with you all again tomorrow and are sending many positive thoughts of light and love and to wish DH a speedy recovery.

Well, here we go again JandJ. You are so experienced at this difficult process there is little I feel I can do for you except to remind you that I'm around at night if you want someone to talk to and have a caring hand on your shoulder as you go through your deep breath moments. for you and yours.

You've walked this floor before, honey, and this time the prayers of many that the airplane will take off against the wind and land safely after a successful flight are with your dh and yourself and, as Homebird has said, our invisible arms will reach across the globe and will be holding you while you wait to hear from the surgeons.

Needless to say all thoughts of complaint in respect of the way your dh and, by default, you and your family, have been treated must be set aside for the time being as you make your dh's recovery your priority.

I'm sure you have long experience of NHS nursing but, neverthless, I would advise you to make yourself as familiar with your dh's drug regime as possible and, when you are in attendance, oversee all/any procedures that are carried out.

Any patient who is immunosuppressed is at heightened risk of infection and I urge you not to be backward about coming forward if you have reason to believe that strict hygiene/barrier nursing is not being observed.

I sincerely hope you will shortly be back here with good news and that, at very long last, we will be able to toast your dh's rapid recuperation after his successful op.

In the meantime here's to you and yours, JandJ - good health and long life to you all.

JandJ, Hold my hand tightly, in love and friendship.,,,,and hope, that all will soon be as it should be for you and your lovely family. Surround yourself with their love. There is no more powerful a healer.

Delurking to say that l am thinking about both you and your DH. Stay strong x

See JandJ, your worldwide cuddle is assembling ready to hold you again.

Hooray for the 'Lovely Ladies'

<Planning the bunting with 'Welcome Home' spelled out on it for DH>

JandJ, I haven't posted for ages, but I've been lurking and thinking of you and your DH. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sending lots of positive thoughts today and willing on the surgeons to do their very best.

Hi. I was thinking about you all yesterday J and J and will continue to do so today and over the next few days. We are all here for you, bringing strength to you when you need it.

As Izzy says, if you have any doubts or questions about anything, no matter how small it might seem, ask the staff, if you aren't happy with what you hear, take it further up the line and keep on asking until you are satisfied.

Linking arms with the others on this thread, holding your hand very tightly.

)( linking arms with fellow well wishers )(

Sending support, strength and positive thoughts to you all JandJ. xx

Very quick post - you have me in tears again (although I must be honest and say that's not difficult just now). Operation is in progress, he went down at 7 this morning. Last night they told us it could take up to ten hours so I'm not to expect news too soon. I'm in a windowless waiting room at the hospital - and I can't tell you all how comforting and inspiring and humbling your thoughts are. X

I`m with you JandJ. Take my hand......Much love.

Very much thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

Just read your thread, and wanted to add my voice of support to the others.

My thoughts are with you and your family today.

xxx

We are with you, honey - put your hands out and you'll 'feel' others holding yours and you'll feel comforting arms around your shoulders.

Our thoughts and prayers will sustain you and we'll stay by your side for as long as it takes.

Please don't remain in a windowless room for the duration... it won't be easy for you to see others going about their daily lives at such a crucial time, but if it's a fine day where you are get out into the fresh air and draw the beneficial rays of the sun into you so that you can redirect them to the operating theatre and surround your dh and his surgeons with the bright light of their healing power.

I'm focusing my mind on the surgical team and sending them clarity of thought to enhance their skills and ensure a successful outcome to their work. I'm also sending them shots of Red Bull increase their stamina and perhaps you should think about having one in RL because your energy levels will be depleted by your inevitable emotional turmoil.

Have faith that everything is as it should be, JandJ, and come back whenever the time is right for you.

Glad that things have gone ahead today J and J. As Izzy says, please try and have a walk in the fresh air. Make sure you stay hydrated too even if you can't eat anything at the moment. We are sending you a huge amount of positive energy today, I hope you can feel some of that.

When you are ready to post, we will be here, looking forward to hearing from you as always. Love and strength x

Just counting down the hours with you and hoping that your dh will soon be in IC, JandJ.

JandJ The earth's gone full circle and your never ending ring of support is all around you. Sending love prayers.

I've come out of lurking to give my support too, everything I can cross is crossed for you and your family. Wishing you so very well today and in the future.

Hope all went well today and you manage to get some rest tonight.

thinking of you all and topping up my prayers from a while back (we got 3 run-ups, didn't we?). Do look after yourself sweetie. HOpe DH is ok and through the worst. Sending love and peace to you and your family xx

Am too wired too sleep - can you believe Im sorting out the porch?

Thanks be to God and the goodwill of MN, DH has made it through the op at least. Mixed news really though - he was in theatre for 11 hours and the surgeon I saw didnt sound too confident. He said it was the hardest operation he had ever done, and all we could do was hope for the best, and that he had done his best. He said that he couldn't give me any assurances but at least dh had been opened up and put back together and survived thus far.

This surgeon is the aforementioned Dr Dismissive, and I have to say, I felt a bit sorry for him. Dealing with crying spouses is obviously not his thing - he was unlucky in that, just as 12 hours had passed since they took dh down, I was feeling increasingly edgy and happened to leave the waiting room I spent all day in - and almost crashed into him. I think he saw me crying and probably wanted to join in. (You know when you don't actually want to cry, but tears are just pouring out of your eyes? That's the sort of crying I was doing, not sobbing and heaving). I never saw a person with such red eyes (his, not mine) - they were the colour of tomato sauce and the poor man looked wiped out. There were meant to be two surgeons, but from what I could gather, surgeon number 2 just looked in and said "yup, that looks ok" (or words to that effect). So Dr Dis was running the show down at the business end.

About ten minutes after he left, dh's renal consultant appeared - his main one who he usually sees in the general course of things. He told me that he was just relieved that dh had survived the operation which, written down like that, sounds quite harsh. But this man has known us for about ten years now, and I really feel he genuinely respects dh and was honestly relieved. He gave me a massive hug (which set me off again) which he's never done before, but then told me the bad news.

Which is that dh's heart was in much worse condition than they had thought and that the repairs may only be of a temporary nature. I couldn't think of anything to say to that really, no point asking for promises nobody can make. We went in to the ITU - dh was still on a ventilator so no point me staying long and getting in the way, I just stayed long enough to stroke his hair and tell him I loved him. As I left, the staff were worried that his blood wasn't clotting well and also that his blood pressure was low, but they have promised to ring me at any time of the night if needs be.

There were two anaesthetists checking him over and before I left I thanked them. One of them said that dh was a pleasure to look after, and that set me off again - I so don't want to be one of those stupid women who weep and wail everywhere, but I couldn't help myself. I want to be mature and restrained but its not happening. All I can say in my favour is that at least I cry quietly (I gave birth to all four dc quietly now I come to think of it too - what does this say about me I wonder?!)

So classic displacement activity - clean the porch of course. I began sorting it out because when I got home I had a passing notion that I should do something about getting ready for ds3's return to school on Wednesday. A cursory look for his school shoes revealed only one of the buggers, despite me being almost certain I put them in one of the shoe crates we have in there. I've now turned the place upside down and, as is the way of things, something which is really a minor irritant, is assuming huge proportions in my mind. If I can't find the other shoe I'll have to go and buy another pair tomorrow, and I don't want to go and buy another pair, I don't have time, money or inclination.

And talking of things assuming huge proportions - please excuse the ridiculous length of this post. I only meant to give a brief summary but I seem to have spewed words out at a rate of knots. Heartfelt thanks to all of you for bringing me and mine this far. x

Dear JandJ, I have read your story and supported you silently in the background. Now on MN nightshift, offering a hand to hold and good wishes to you and yours. I hope you can sleep soon..

What does it say about you? It says that you're a stoic, honey. A woman of quiet strength and dignity; a woman who is to be admired for her courage and integrity.

You and your dh have been taken to our hearts, JandJ, and there will be no shortage of volunteers here to support you in whatever way they can at any hour of the day and night.

There'll be a time to give full consideration to what you've been told today but, for now, the priority is getting your dh on the road to recovery and, to that end, our thoughts will be with you but our prayers will be diverted en masse to your dh as we pray that the ICU medics are able to raise his bp and restore normal blood function.

I'm adding a special prayer that you are able to get some much needed sleep and that the morning will dawn bright for your dh and yourself.

Just sending hugs to both you and your DH. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can feel them x

Oh JandJ, don't worry about being a bit leaky. I'm sure everyone at the hospital is well used to it and they are not your responsibility. You are making yourself stronger for the future by expressing your feelings and not bottling them up so cry if you need to. It's a great role model for your children and how you will support each other through this.

Looks like the night shift has got a bit bigger so I'm sure if you really can't sleep there'll be your lovely ladies here to hold your hand. Try to get a bit of rest though. The hospital will call if they need to and you can trust them in that.

Did the other shoe turn up? I hope so. Perhaps the e-cat I sent threw up in it and knocked it under the sofa. I think a prize for the DC who finds it is in order.

I'm purposely not talking about the future. It's the now that matters and you are managing that admirably as always. DH came through the op and low blood pressure after heart ops is really common. Try not to dwell on the medical details that you can't change. Concentrate on the resilience of your DH to get stronger, the expertise of the hospital staff, and the love everyone around you to carry you through.

Rest on a cushion of calm and take your steps slowly. If you reach it, the knot is there at the end of the rope.

Thinking of you. Hope you manage to rest a little. Oh, and keep re-reading Homebird8's post because it is lovely and so much more eloquent that anything I could ever think of.

Especially the bit about the cat vomit in the shoe eh anonacfr

God bless JandJ. I hope today brings brighter, more reassuring news.xx

Hope you had a few hour sleep J&J and that you have some better news this morning x

Hand holding and a few MN hugs being sent your way

Morning JandJ. I hope you got some rest and the news about DH is positive.

One hour at a time is plenty good enough for all of you at the moment and nobody could expect you to do all the everyday things at the same time. Is there anyone who can help you with must do things?

If DS's shoe is still invisible, is there someone who could take him to get more? I'm sure anyone would be pleased to help. In the circumstances, send him in trainers, or wellies or flip flops. I'm sure school can live with that for a few days and with the promise of a prize perhaps the DCs will find the offending article.

Try not to dwell on the words of the surgeons and doctors yesterday. They love to be amazed at how well people can do and your DH sounds as if he would love to beat them at their own game. They are obviously very pleased with him given the difficulty of the operation and the extent of his needs, and IC staff live and work with complex needs every day and are experts at it.

All you have to do is love him (easy peasy thinks you) and whatever else is going on, that is enough.

I doubt this is appropriate but a line from a hymn we had at our wedding keeps coming to mind "I will hold the Christ light for you, in the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear."

Delurking to send love and strength to you all.

Dropping in to send you all strength, positive thoughts and my very best wishes in DH's recovery.
Take care of yourself JandJ xxx

The first thing I must do is applaud your courage my darling. I truly believe that this comes from knowing deep, deep love, and you and your family certainly excel there.

Then I want to say that your understanding of, and feelings for others - ie, Dr Dismissive - is a beautiful trait, and indicative of a very caring human being.

Continue to shed your tears, you have more than earned the right, and they will soothe a little of the wrenching pain you are suffering.

I am still holding onto you tightly, and won`t let go until you tell me to........Much love.

I cant think of anything better than what ForeverAutumn has put above. I second it.

You are one of the bravest people I have ever met. My counsellor told me that crying is good for you, its the release valve that stops you bottling everything up and it makes you feel better.

((hugs)) for you

It wouldn't have been normal not to cry. Never be embarrassed about tears, they can be just as precious as smiles.

I'm glad your dh came through the op and that you were able to see him before you went home to excavate the porch. I hope the errant shoe turned up! Realised this afternoon (after coming back from town) that ds has just grown out of his plimsolls so back we go tomorrow...

I hope today has brought news that your dh has come round and is progressing well. You are one strong lady and are coping brilliantly. Hope your RL support is also clustered around you.

Have been thinking of you and your dh today JandJ

<Sending strength and hope>

Also thinking of you both, sending love.

Just adding my best wishes to you and your dh today, JandJ.

A quick bump back up to the top of the page...

A quiet hello and whispered good wishes from MN night shift. Difficult times...

Another little squeeze coming from me here JandJ and, if you've finished ladyWordy's cuppa, I'll pop the kettle back on. Don't forget to breathe out as well as in. A big sigh is very calming. Thoughts, as always, with you and yours.

Just read this whole thread, must say how brave you've all been and what wonderful words of wisdom you've been given. Thinking if you J&J x

Thinking of you JandJ. More positive thoughts heading in the direction of ITU and your DH.

Hope all is well JandJ. Thinking of you and your DH.

Sending you the special sort of cuppa my DS2 make. He stirs the love in right at the end.

Thinking of you and yours J and J. Hope you are hanging on in there and dh is beginning to recover. Hopefully the return to school went well for your ds too.

Just read through the thread and wanted to say how much I admire your courage and devotion JandJ. Will be sending positive thoughts to your DH tonight and wishing him well.