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Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

(330 Posts)
ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:21:13

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

You don't need a flaming OP, but your DH does need to be a little less sensitive about this

He needs to realise that it could eventually cause him problems, and having a curve to it can't be good!!

I don't have any advice on how to deal with him though. My DH has a tight foreskin, but not to the extent of yours. We both enjoy PIV sex, but he can only come in one position, so it can get a bit boring. Thankfully he does worry about that, and makes sure I'm happy wink we have discussed him getting snipped a few times (not even a full circumcision) but he won't consider it

thinkfast Fri 06-Jul-12 19:30:13

That sounds tough. Would he be willing to see a doctor just to discuss the options if you promised not to pressurise him to get an operation afterwards? A doctor might be able to put him in touch with someone who's had successful treatment to discuss it...

Busybusybust Fri 06-Jul-12 19:33:14

Oh my goodness me! Poor him (and poor you!) This sounds absolutely dreadful. I can't help thinking that he is storing up general health problems here.

I regard routine circumcision of baby boys as almost on a par to female circumcision - it's just not necessary.

But sometimes circumcision IS necessary. My younger son, aged 8 was circumcised. Poor little lad - it took him ages to pee and it got very sore from time to time. It was day surgery (and it would be for your husband) - they just wanted him to pee before he left. It was a little sore for a couple of days - but I'm pretty sure he is 'functional' these days (aged 26)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please try to make him go to the dox! If he won't - consider a sex strike!!!!

Actually I think he may be risking some quite serious illness - try googling!

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 19:34:22

From the title I was ready to say you were out of order. But this is a medical problem. Can you convience him to at least see a gp? From my understanding if tge flow isn't coming out straight it is viral to see the gp.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 19:35:27

Btw are you sure it is 'only' his foreskin affecting tge flow?

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 19:36:25

Pps I think you should link to health it's really a health issue.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:36:26

When we were trying for a baby and we'd been trying for a while, We thought maybe the foreskin was stopping his men getting up there. So he said he would have it done. Then a week later I had a bfp. And i know it sounds awful, as i was over the moon, i did think oh damn!

The moment he knew i was pregnant he said there was now no need. So we were back to square one.

The doctors is a good idea though think maybe i will suggest it. But I think he will say no as he is fine with it the way it is.

countingto10 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:37:50

My DH had a circumcision at 29 for similar reasons although not quite as severe as your DH's sounds. Best thing he ever did and he really prefers the look post op. we could only have sex in one position and I could not/was not allowed to move otherwise it caused DH pain etc. He had it done privately.

As I said to him at the time, we women have to be prodded about with smear tests, having babies etc so it was the least he could do to improve our sex life.

diddl Fri 06-Jul-12 19:39:39

But he wouldn´t be having it done for cosmetic reasons, would he?

I can see why he wouldn´t want to do it, but I do think he should look into it.

HappyCamel Fri 06-Jul-12 19:40:11

I think you do need to talk to a dr, maybe on your own first to understand the options. I had the opposite problem, DP had a circumcision as a child and it scarred badly and he struggled to get enough stimulation to keep it up. If he does go for it keep the wound clean and get an infection sorted straight away. I'd hate for him to go from one problem to another.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:40:46

ohno What else could be affecting the flow? I am worried now.

Well physically I suppose it is a health issue but I thought the sex part made it more of a relationship one. As he assures me the doctors have always said it is perfectly fine. But I think he would say anything to not talk about it.

FannyFifer Fri 06-Jul-12 19:42:51

If he is leaking wee onto his clothes then surely he should ensure all is urine free after doing the loo, use toilet paper to wipe have a wash etc.
There is no excuse to be stinking of pish.

Most men will also have a bit of a wash of their penis before expecting a blow job, only manners.

If he is peeing sideways then there is something not right, however if he is pissing all over the bathroom why the hell is he not cleaning up after himself ffs!

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:43:33

I have tried that approach counting and he has pretty much said as long as he can orgasm and so can I then it's fine. Also as he doesn't really enjoy sex, i'm not sure if a strike would acheive anything.

OddBoots Fri 06-Jul-12 19:43:49

I don't know much beyond anecdote but I do know a friend's son had a little 'v' cut out of the foreskin rather than a full circ to relieve tightness, maybe if he knows this is an option he might be happier?

nocake Fri 06-Jul-12 19:45:54

I'm a bloke and I'd really encourage him to see his GP. Please don't go on to him about circumcision but please do encourage him to go to the doc. Being unable to clean under his foreskin is obviously a problem now in terms of personal hygiene but it also leaves him massively more susceptible to infections and cancer. It's better to get it sorted out now than to have serious problems later.

Despite what he says it's not fine. He might have played it down with a doc in the past but he needs to get it sorted. It's not normal to be unable to retract your foreskin enough to clean under it.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:46:26

Yes fanny but even after a bath, pee dribble out. It seems to store in the skin at the end and as the hole is so small and tight it doesn't get washed inside.

Yes the cleaning up is an issue, especially at night when he's half asleep sad

SirSugar Fri 06-Jul-12 19:47:56

If you don't have DCs, which from your post would seem unlikely, I'd be inclined to tell him to get the snip or its over. How do you live like this? You cannot compare it to a boob job

mercibucket Fri 06-Jul-12 19:48:30

Think there are other options including 'stretching' - if you google it's a common problem and there are websites of blokes who fixed it in various ways (used to have a bf with similar prob and remember googling it)

mercibucket Fri 06-Jul-12 19:48:30

Think there are other options including 'stretching' - if you google it's a common problem and there are websites of blokes who fixed it in various ways (used to have a bf with similar prob and remember googling it)

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:48:36

Thanks nocake how would it affect cancer? I am getting horribly worried now.

countingto10 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:49:02

He really needs to see a doctor. My DH was offered at sort of half circumcision where they cut the top of the foreskin and leave it but DH didn't like the sound of that and thought it would look peculiar so opted for the full circumcision. Was a bit painful post op but after a week, never looked back and said it was the best thing he had ever had done - obviously we have been swinging from the chandeliers ever since wink

AdventuresWithVoles Fri 06-Jul-12 19:49:03

Men do not like their bits fiddled with.

I would approach with mix of sticks & rewards. The sticks is scare stories of what can go wrong if it festers. Rewards: Promise to get some very sexy moments & outfits if he'll speak to doctor with you in the room & allowed to contribute to discussion, & even better rewards if he'll agree to an appropriate procedure.

Princessdivaaa Fri 06-Jul-12 19:49:16

I think you have to concentrate in the health issues with your husband (rather than the sex).

If he gets wee trapped and it smells I would think that he is unable to clean himself sufficiently and this could cause alsorts of health problems for him (and you)..

good luck..

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:51:16

I've approached stretching as I looked up possible solutions. And well if he thought circumcision was a no no, stretching was completely and utterly unthinkable. If I even lick the hole area a bit thoroughly he winces in pain.

SirSugar Fri 06-Jul-12 19:51:20

Sorry, I see you have DC now

nocake Fri 06-Jul-12 19:51:55

The stuff that builds up under the foreskin is called smegma. If you google it you'll find out the results of not cleaning it.

I was watching 'Embarrassing Bodies - Live from the Clinic' earlier this week and a man on there had a similar problem ie he couldn't pull his foreskin back at all. His penis was sore and he was unable to wash under the foreskin and clean it properly. He had to have a circumcision.

I don't know if you can watch the episode on catch up tv as there was some good advice from a 'top' surgeon/consultant.

I honestly think your DP needs to see a GP. I appreciate it's slightly embarrassing for him but it's simply unhealthy and unhygienic to leave it as it is.

Shazjack1 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:53:57

Dh had the same problem and refused to be circumcised. He went to the gp and he prescribed a cream and told him how to stretch the foreskin every day. It has made it a lot more comfortable for him now. Also DS had the same problem and it was ballooning at the end and he had to be circumcised age 10 so no more problems.

countingto10 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:54:26

How would he feel if you had a condition and you refused to see a doctor putting your health and wellbeing at risk?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:55:48

His argument about health and if it festers, is he has got to his age and it clearly hasn't so he's fine. (he's 32)

And to the poster who said we can't have dc. We do. Which is why he thinks it's fine.

Springforward Fri 06-Jul-12 19:57:33

DH had a circumcision in school-age childhood, for similar medical reasons (though before he was sexually active, obviously). MIL told me loudly at a family gathering when DS was tiny.

FWIW, a previous partner had a very tight foreskin which used to kind of flip back over the head of his penis and then get stuck for as long as it took for his erection to subside. He didn't know this would happen until his first PIV sexual encouter, which happened to be with me.

So, in my admittedly small and probably non-representive sample, this seems to be really quite common. Thought I would share, just in case you decide to show this thread to your DP?

Fizzylemonade Fri 06-Jul-12 19:57:37

My poor Dad had a circumcision aged 70! He had no problems then it just got tighter and tighter. I really wish I could bleach my brain of the conversations he had about it (my Mum had just died so he could only talk to his daughters about it) but I think he was really brave to go and get sorted.

He is now fine, really had no problems with the operation or the healing afterwards and he isn't in the best of health generally anyway. And this from the man who still goes on to this day about how painful his vasectomy was 35 years ago grin

I think maybe you should talk to your GP about it to see what he/she can advise, then try to and talk Dh round when armed with a bit more info, just about him seeing a GP not about being circumcised although it would seem that would be the outcome.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:59:03

counting He doesn't agree it is putting his health at risk and he refuses to read anything i show him.

I think I may have to be brutal and get tough. But i feel like such a bastard.

chipmunksex Fri 06-Jul-12 19:59:56

I think it's a good idea not to talk about the circumcision word, it sounds so drastic; just encourage him to go to see his GP.

There are non-surgical treatments for tight foreskins, such as hydrocortisone creams he needs to get it sorted.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 20:00:34

Well if it's not got better in its own after 32 years it's not going to is it? Does he have and uti type symptoms, tge flow could be affected from inside rather than by tge foreskin.

Re tge gp, could you use it as a 'I want to hear tge gp say it's fine and then I'll never bring it up again' type way?

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 20:01:10

Does he know he smells of wee sometimes?

This was on Ch4 Embarassing Bodies the other day - might be able to find it on their version of iPlayer. It may be a way to broach the subject. Have to say though it made us both feel sick - because they showed the operation - that wasn't the bad bit - it was all the disgusting gunk that wasn't being cleaned out that made both of us want to vomit. I can't think how bad the smell must have been...
This is a hygiene and health issue, and keep trying any possible thing to get him to see sense...

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:04:02

I think I will go to the GP myself then tell him how worried I am. I will say I want him to talk to the GP but not mention the c word!

Maybe I will have to stop all sex contact for a bit sad I hate the idea of using sex as a bargaining chip.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:08:55

Yes ohno but he doesn't seem to notice though.

Once I was in the bedroom and I smelled the most rancid stale piss and I couldn't work out where it was coming from. So I followed my nose and found him in another room wearing running shorts which he had worn the previous day. I was gagging. I told him how awful it was and that he couldn't go to the gym like that. He got very angry and upset with me about how hurtful and insensitive I was.

BertieBotts Fri 06-Jul-12 20:10:55

FGS don't use sex as a bargaining chip!

It might not be as bad as he's imagining. There is an operation they can do which is a small cut which loosens things, not a full circumcision. And as others have said there is a cream which sometimes works.

If you can get him to visit his GP and just hear about all of the options then at least he can make an informed decision as at the moment it sounds like it's a knee jerk reaction.

BlueSlipper Fri 06-Jul-12 20:11:06

My DH had this done as an adult. Very straight forward operation. Similar reasons as you.

Everything has much improved.

Good luck.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 20:11:30

He sounds a bit selfish.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:12:16

bertie sorry, knee jerk reaction to what?

diddl Fri 06-Jul-12 20:12:34

He smells of pee & can´t wee in the toilet-& he´s OK with that?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:16:47

He's never known anything different. He thinks all men are the same. Not physically, but wee and smell the same.

He doesn't smell all the time. Just if he wears the same trousers or shorts again. He doesn't do that anymore though, after my reaction.

BigBoPeep Fri 06-Jul-12 20:20:23

I wouldn't use sex as a bargaining tool - I'd just tell him outright that I'm through trying to put up with it and be subtle - he stinks of piss and there's no way my mouth or bits (think of the infections you could get in your fanjo from his manky smegma!?) are going near that. He has to sort it out before you can go near it again. That'sonly reasonable. Would he give you oral if you were encrusted and smelt of wee????

I would then also tell him that unless he starts keeping the bathroom and his clothes pee-free we'll be be getting divorced!

It's totally gross, you are not being unreasonable - you have been a HERO to put up with it!! He's probably sensitive about his bits being messed with...well, welcome to real life. If you want a wife and a nice family wife you have to be prepared to be unselfish about these things sometimes!

NatashaBee Fri 06-Jul-12 20:21:41

He will be at a much higher risk of infection unless he gets this fixed - and an infection could take longer than his recovery from circumcision. Circumcision in itself doesn't reduce the risk of cancer (or so i was told when the doctors were talking to me about it when DS was born), but the fact that it would allow him to clean himself better will. Circumcision and the ability to clean himself better will also reduce his risk of contracting and passing on HPV (although maybe that's not relevant to him as he is in a monogamous relationship)

maras2 Fri 06-Jul-12 20:24:06

I know that it sounds nasty but there is a small procedure called a Dorsal Slit.Much less invasive but very effective.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:24:25

bigbo As i said we don't often have PIV and I don't put it in my mouth anymore. He is happy with that as long as he doesn't have his penis messed around with.

And as I said in my OP he doesn't give me oral either. sad

NedZeppelin Fri 06-Jul-12 20:27:31

My partner had ballanitis and had a circumcision aged about 32. Bit of discomfort for a few days but best decision by far and I much prefer it tbh.

diddl Fri 06-Jul-12 20:29:52

"He thinks all men are the same. Not physically, but wee and smell the same."


Sorry, but what does he think the point of peeing in a toilet is if it goes on the floor?

BertieBotts Fri 06-Jul-12 20:35:26

His reaction, I mean, saying he doesn't need treatment - it sounds like he's thought "Circumcision - no way!" and hasn't stopped to consider alternatives or even seriously think about the benefits of it. Which is understandable - but perhaps worth some extra research on his part.

Sorry if I've read this wrong.

tigercametotea Fri 06-Jul-12 20:36:05

The episode of Embarassing Bodies mentioned upthread can still be viewed here

The patient in question is Sam. The vid of the operation is somewhere in the middle of the clip. Not for the faint hearted...

If that's the sort of problem your DH has, OP, it really is very unhygienic. Please get him to see a doctor.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:37:49

Well it doesn't all go on the floor. He holds it at an angle and usually the majority will go in the loo. The end part sort of dribbles around and if he's distracted or half asleep a lot will be dispersed.

Anyway, I know it is grim, but the wee on the loo floor is the least of the concern. I am more worried about our sex life and his health.

msrisotto Fri 06-Jul-12 20:41:42

My husband had a tight foreskin problem (not a long term thing). He could have had a circumcision but both of us were against that if possible. He had a z cut (can't remember the proper name for the operation but it was described as cutting a z shape) and this worked perfectly. We are very happy with the outcome and he still has his foreskin! Best of luck.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:43:35

bertie he hasn't thought about any alternatives as he doesn't think it is a problem. I suppose I have been too accepting. But I would feel awful if someone said something about my body.

Then again, if there was a flap of skin over my fanjo that made sex less enjoyable and my pants smell of wee then I would have had it sorted by now.

I think he's being horribly selfish and childish tbh.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 20:50:54

He thinks all men are tge same...has he never watched porn?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:51:50

So is it reasonable to say I want him to go to the GP and that our sex life isn't nice for me because of it? How can I convince him?

BigBoPeep Fri 06-Jul-12 20:52:57

yeah but IF he gave you oral, would he want it encrusted in pee??? No? well...

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:54:43

ohno Sorry, I said not physically the same, he knows that they aren't from seeing other men. I meant he thinks they miss the loo, as a lot do, and their pants smell the same.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:57:02

BigBo No he wouldn't, which is why he understands why I don't give him oral either. If neither of us do oral he doesn't see the problem.

FarrowAndBollock Fri 06-Jul-12 20:59:22

Sorry OP, but that sounds hideous. I think he is being an utter wimp. If I think of all the nasty things the average woman has done in order to have children/smears etc, then he really needs to get a grip.

nocake Fri 06-Jul-12 21:05:34

A bloke here again... I never miss the toilet. I don't smell of pee and I don't leak. DW is reading over my shoulder and agrees. Please tell your DH from... you don't have to live with leaking, dribbling, missing the toilet (and the moaning from the DW that goes with that wink)

ShowOfHands Fri 06-Jul-12 21:05:36

Both DH and BIL have had a similar problem though less severe. Both had problems with the foreskin tearing where it tried to retract during sex and both ended up with scar tissue and problems. So they both had an op, the same op. No circumcision necessary. It took 10 days to heal and both (one I know for fact, one anecdotally) have fully functioning foreskins.

It hurt, yes. It was embarrassing, yes. But they did it and it was worth it. No problems since for either of them.

Would he go along to a GP and at least discuss the options?

Busybusybust Fri 06-Jul-12 21:05:59

^As i said we don't often have PIV and I don't put it in my mouth anymore. He is happy with that as long as he doesn't have his penis messed around with.

And as I said in my OP he doesn't give me oral either^

Aw OP, you are having a half-sexlife! Just for a simple - over-in-10-minutes operation!" He will be a totally new man in a couple of days! Honestly, he will thank you for insisting!

I simply do not understand why a couple of posters are saying that you shouldn't go on sex strike! He needs a wake up call. This IS NOT RIGHT! (sorry to shout!)

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:06:36

Oh dear. I have just watched the embarrassing bodies bit. I feel quite unwell now. But, no, DP's penis does not look like that. The hole in the foreskin on Sam in the video is far more open than DP's. DP's is skin is stretched over the end and round to the side, where the hole is pointing at a 90 degree angle and you cannot see the penis head underneath at all.

God I feel like I am really betraying him talking about this.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:12:53

Thanks nocake but to be honest, every man I know/have been with has missed the toilet occasionally (which is why mens loos stink).

However, as i've said, I'm not as bothered about the mess as I am the sex.

I'm not sure sex strike is even an option. After watching that operation on embarrassing bodies I don't think I want to go near DP again. I feel quite nauseous just thinking about it.

Oh god, what am I going to say?

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 21:13:43

I can understand why you feel like tgat but I truly believe if he gets it sorted he will wish he had done it years ago.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 21:15:24

Tge truth, you love him but he has a problem and you cannot let him kid himself any longer. He must go with you to tge go for a full and frank discussion.

nocake Fri 06-Jul-12 21:16:14

I've just asked DW if I've ever missed the toilet in the time we've been together. She says no...

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:18:03

I'm frightened he will say no. What will I do then? I love him so much. I can't bear this.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:20:50

Well nocake may I congratulate you on your impeccable aim smile

Even my dad misses often occasionally.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 21:21:45

That's what you tell may need to give him some time, tell him to go away and think and come back with his plan of action

I've not seen it but would it be a good idea to let him watch the embarrassing bodies link?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:41:25

ohno Sadly there is no way he would watch it. I will say I watched it and that is why I am so concerned.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 21:49:38

Then as I say, tell him how much he means to you but that this does have an affect on his life daily, and even though he has found ways around it/to avoid things his quality of life (and yours) is being affected. It is now time for him to speak to someone, you would like to go to tge gos with him, and if after a full and frank discussion with the gp, the gp says there is no need to do anything then you will leave it. Tgat you are certain however that action will need to be taken and you know he is scared and can understand why but tgat sometimes things have to be addresses for tge bigger picture and you will be there every step of tge way because you live him so much and can't bear to see him like this anymore.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:01:50

Well, he is completely happy with it the way it is, because he has never known any different, he cannot believe that sex could feel any different or be any better. But I know it can be.

I am worried that the doctor might say it's fine, in which case I would never be able to argue the case contrary again.

He wont do anything without an incentive and sadly making me happy isn't enough. Because he always counters with surely that works the other way round and if I wanted to make him happy I would accept it.

shouldkeepquiet Fri 06-Jul-12 22:05:35

I had this operation four years ago after struggling on for 10 years or so. Yes it was very sore for a few weeks. But it can be serious if left and his sounds a lot worse than mine. They send the foreskin away for testing afterwards for cancer cells as this is a commo cause of penile cancer. If you get that they can remove the whole penis or most of it.I think if you tell him that it may spur him on to get it looked at!

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 22:07:35

He needs to hear that sometimes when you love someone it means telling them things they don't want to hear/don't like for example when he smelt. Would he rather you had not said anything and let him leave the house like it? Does he think it's important to clean the dc thoroughly when changing there nappies? Would he let his son grow up like this or would he take him to tge gps? Are you certain he is tallying you everything, could his mother have installed something in his head regarding this? I still think it would be useful posting in health. Oh and of it is as bad as you said I don't think any gp would dismiss it.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:17:17

Bit of a tangent but why doesn't he like giving you oral? (Can totally understand why you wouldn't want to given what you've said)

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:17:37

Actually ohno he would have much rather it if I had let him go out smelling. In fact he is from a family where they believe anything negative said is bullying. When I have said anything other than complete praise I have been told to stop being a bully, that I am hurting his feelings. This is more important than addressing any health or hygiene issues.

He has very odd and difficult parents. They have perpetuated this way of thinking. They will not tolerate anything remotely negative. So there are so many elephants in their room I'm surprised they can move around. They sweep everything under the carpet. His mother would have never let anything happen to his precious penis. Which is why when the gp advised correcting it as a child she would never allow it. He told me once that she wouldn't allow it and he was never shown how to clean himself. In fact he refuses to believe that that's the way men clean themselves.

So he has no idea about how you properly clean a penis and I don't think he would clean a boy dc in this way.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 22:21:58

The NHS website gives clear instruction on how to clean properly. Maybe that's tge way in? Do you have a ds? Could it be dad needs to learn ready to give instruction? Does he really think he can give without his ds ever seeing him having a wee?

You are in such a difficult position.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:28:08

should Oh no, now i am terrified and i am determined to get him to sort it out. That is dreadful. I am so worried now.

choo He never does it but when i ask he says he does like it, but actions speak louder than words and I can see how he reacts. I thought it might be because he doesn't feel confident so I bought him a book 'she comes first' which he has never even opened. We have discussed it loads and he always says he will do it more, but then never does. He actually doesn't like kissing much either. He just seems to hate using his mouth for anything.

When we have sex i lick and kiss him all over. I am very intimate. He seems to like it on him but when i ask him to kiss me back, his style is very rigid and he just does a lot of exaggerated pecks.

I ask him to copy me and do as I do but he says he is. He genuinely doesn't seem to see the difference. If i try and gently coax him to kiss me softly or with a soft tongue and open mouthed he gets very defensive and says if i don't like the way he does things that's tough. Or stop trying to control him, that's just the way he kisses.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:30:54

ohno we don't have a DS. Although I am due a baby soon, which might be one smile

I don't think he would care if a DS saw him do a wee. As he thinks it is fine.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:32:04

Oh dear. Sounds like he doesn't really like sex much. I might be totally wrong but do you think he could be using the foreskin problem as a cover up (er hmm) to avoid or even put you off having sex more often?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:35:49

No choo i think it is the opposite, I think he purposely doesn't let himself enjoy it because of his penis. I think he has also got very used to the only specific way he works and therefore everything is geared towards that.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:39:04

Poor you. I hope you can get him to the GP - lots of good suggestions here for how to persuade him.

It does just sound like it's all about him.

Sidge Fri 06-Jul-12 22:43:14

It sounds like he has a condition called phimosis; he really ought to see a GP because it can have quite significant health implications, aside from the psychosexual ones.

A couple of things here. My DH and two grown up DSs have hardly ever missed the loo when having a wee. Not since the DSs were tiny anyway.

Secondly, DS1 recently had a circumcision for something similar to your DH, OP, although his was not as bad. Ds1 is in his twenties and has ASD and learning difficulties. He was very worried about getting an infection in his penis, so he agreed to the operation. He was terrified, but still went ahead. After the op, he was sore for about a week, but is now thrilled with the result and is no longer worried.

If a lad like him can face his fears and deal with this, then surely your DH can! Also, I would be very concerned about having sex with a man like your DH - the infections he could pass onto you! And doesn't it put you at risk of cancer too? Hope you can get him to man-up!

maras2 Fri 06-Jul-12 22:55:01

Sidge,it could be phimosis or paraphimosis but if he pees out oh the side of his penis it may be hypospadias.I'm certainly not an expert in blokes plumbing but spent some of my student nurse years in genito urinary theatre < many years ago >

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:55:48

Yes it does choo and he does have a propensity for self absorption. So I am not defending him totally. He was single for a long time before we met so I think he got used to sorting himself out.

But I think it's time I was a bit more forceful.

I have done some googling of penile cancer. So now I am going to convince him this has to be sorted. For our babies sake.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:00:02

What I don't understand is why not cleaning under the foreskin can lead to penile cancer though. What does not cleaning do?

The websites just say 'This is because men who have not been circumcised may find it more difficult to pull back the foreskin enough to clean thoroughly underneath'

NadiaPopov Fri 06-Jul-12 23:05:42

He's risking your health by not getting if seen too and that's completely unforgivable.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:10:00

Okay. I have looked and it is not Paraphimosis or hypospadias. His Urethra is in the right place beneath the foreskin. I have had really good feels and when his penis is erect all the glans, urethra and ridges feel completely normal it is just the skin over the top which doesn't pull back and is tight.

I think Phimosis is the closest.

zipzap Fri 06-Jul-12 23:13:47

Tell dh that if he won't man up to go to the doctor then you are going to go and ask the doc yourself. If you have a choice of docs at your surgery see if there are any he likes or dislikes so he can't turn around and say oh but that doc is rubbish.

Draw a diagram(s) of everything before you go (photo even better but can see this might be awkward!) and list down everything you can think of - concerns about different health risks, cancer,, smell, problems with sex, fear of circumcision, etc so you can discuss it with the doc easily as he won't be able to examine your dh.

Show your list to dh to see if you have left anything out. If he protests that it isn't an issue then just repeat what you have said on here - it is an issue that is affecting you.

See the doc and see what they suggest - hopefully they will acknowledge there is an issue, that there are a number of different treatments and that some don't involve surgery but that actually him not going to see the doc is bullying you as he is not even willing to talk about something that is condemning you to a miserable unsatisfying sex life for the rest of your life.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:13:57

I don't think either of us ever considered that it could be putting our health at risk. At worst we just thought it a bit grim or inconvenient.

I have been putting this thread off for years and I am so glad now I have posted. It has given me the fear and impetus to sort it out.

I don't think I want to have sex till it is sorted out.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:20:04

zip He has never seen a doctor at our surgery confused . Also I have never seen the same one twice sad

They all seem uninterested and desperate to get rid of you. I have had to make complaints about them taking me going blind in one eye for 12 weeks seriously. Which they didn't and wouldn't even refer me to a specialist till I got cross. Turns out I had the beginning of MS sad

So I am worried they will just say, well as long as you can wee and get pregnant you are fine. In which case it will set my cause back to square one and he will feel vindicated.

hiviolet Fri 06-Jul-12 23:38:02

I honestly don't think they will say he's fine, it sounds quite severe.

I feel for you, my dh has a tight foreskin and although we don't have too many problems sexually (apart from hardly ever doing it!) I do wonder if he needs to see a doctor. Won't entertain the idea though.

alicethehorse Fri 06-Jul-12 23:50:38

Can you change your GP? Not just for this issue but because they don't sound great.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:55:16

I think I may make an appointment to see a male doctor at the surgery before i mention it to DP. Then I will see how shite they are before I ask DP to go.

this site might help convince him to go to the doctor; it specifically says circumcision is not usually necessary.

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 00:02:56

Thanks oops but actually we have discussed the stretching, non surgical option, and he is even more horrified and disgusted at that than circumcision. In fact he would opt for quick surgery over gradual stretching any day.

If i even mentioned stretching again I think he would faint. Poor DP sad

OhNoMyFanjo Sat 07-Jul-12 08:02:57

Op how are you feeling this morning? It was alot to take in last night in sure.

shouldkeepquiet Sat 07-Jul-12 08:28:27

IT's not just about not cleaning that causes problems.
Look i'm no doctor but if he won't see a real one then from my own experience this is what i was told / found out.
This condition normally leads to infection with BXO (Balanitis xerotica obliterans). It causes minor infections and you get sores under the foreskin, like blisters that have popped. Hurts like hell when you pee! These come and go constantly and damage the skin cells. This is chronic and progressive ie. it gets worse over time and will not just go away on it's own accord. This then leads to Squamous-cell carcinoma-then your in trouble.
The doctors told me it is not very common but it is a consideration. And when your waiting for the results to come back you think shit i wish i'd gone years ago now!
If he isn't getting the regular little infections then maybe he is OK for now but really he needs to have a word with himself and get it sorted. At the end of the day it's not like heart surgery or having a kidney removed!

shouldkeepquiet Sat 07-Jul-12 08:39:11

Just read back a few more posts from last night.
My GP was crap too. I got an appointment direct with the urinary dept at the hospital. The GP didn't even want to look at it after i'd taken years to finally decide to go!! Well worth his 100K+ a year but that's another point.
Also if there is BXO infection forget the stretching -it's coming off.
Look i took a few years to finally get it sorted but he is just going to have to stop being a wimp get to see someone who knows what their doing and sort it out. Sounds like your going to have to go and hold his hand - probably pulling him along!


He has some sort of medical problem with regards to his penis; the hole where he urinates is on the side. He is and has not been the only one to suffer such difficulties. The issue also is that such problems have gone untreated for years.

He needs medical attention as soon as possible and from a specialist to boot. He cannot go on like this and neither can you. Its affecting both your qualities of life.

If your GP practice is rubbish and they certainly sound it, change GPs. Its far easier to do that these days. I would also sit in on any appointments he has then you know fully what is being said. Go with him to a new GP practice and start getting proper answers. Both of you are just drifting around in circles and neither of you are medically trained.

His parents do sound very dysfunctional; this comment of yours is very telling as well:-

"His mother would have never let anything happen to his precious penis. Which is why when the gp advised correcting it as a child she would never allow it. He told me once that she wouldn't allow it and he was never shown how to clean himself. In fact he refuses to believe that that's the way men clean themselves"

Your poor partner has had to suffer this for years because his stupid mother chose to ignore medical advice to get his penile problem fixed!. Poor sod.

The type of specialist he would need to see is a urologist.

Go with him to any and all appointments; he needs to take proper responsibility for his male health and by doing so he would also be showing you that he respects you.

Have you made him an appointment? My DH throws a wobbly if I suggest he sees a doctor or dentist but if I just phone up and make him an appointment and present it as a done deal he goes along like a little lamb. The weirdo.

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 10:34:00

Good Morning all.

I think I was a bit rude last night and didn't thank you all for your time and advice. But I really am grateful, so thank you smile

Anyway, I was very upset and couldn't sleep. My mind has been going over it. If feel so frustrated.

It is such a bad time for us. He works away a lot, is mega busy and stressed as his consultancy is just getting off the ground. Our baby is due soon and we are getting everything ready. We have issues with his parents. I just know if I say something he will feel that I am adding to this stress unnecessarily.

If I ever want to bring up something which he doesn't consider a priority or doesn't bother him he says I have just sat around thinking about something to argue about. sad Because obviously I just like arguing!

I know he will say he doesn't have time for 'elective' surgery.

Abitwobblynow Sat 07-Jul-12 11:35:43

Be brave and do it.

Of course he will get defensive/aggressive dealing with something he doesn't want to deal with; don't take it personally, stay calm, realise it is the fear and not you, and stick to your guns.

This is not right, and if he has hypospadias as well as phimosis, it could all be done in stages.
He is going to have to face up at some stage, that his mother let him down but that you are not going to.

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 12:17:06

I just can't believe this is happening again. My exH and I had sex problems where he couldn't get an erection. That took years to get him to go to the dr and get help. In the end it was never sorted and was part of the reason we split.

I am only in my mid 30's and I cannot believe I have spent so much time having shit sex and worrying about someone else's genitalia. If it was me I would be straight to the dr's.

I know it is neither of their faults they had issues but surely not sorting it is their responsibilities. I am very understanding enabling but I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I spoke to my Mum for support when I was feeling really down about it and she just made me feel worse. Saying can't you find someone normal? How do you find these people with problems?

At the beginning with DP (3 yrs ago) it wasn't really a problem as such, as we used condoms. But for the last year it has really bothered me. And now I know there are health implications for both of us then it has to be fixed.

If it was an issue which just couldn't be easily sorted then of course I would accept it as I love him (which is what he wants me to do and makes out there is no alternative). But as it is such a simple procedure I just cannot accept this misery for the rest of my life.

How far should I go with ultimatums? I hate them but I think it may come to it to show how serious I am. Not sure whether I should I say no sex of any kind till he goes to the GP? He's a bit of a sex camel, so I know he will outlast me!

Abitwobblynow Sat 07-Jul-12 12:44:04

IIWY I would go to counselling either to learn how to stay calm in the face of whatever he threw at you to get you 'off his case', and to repeat the issue without getting sidetracked.

I also think you should communicate what this means for you... ie I would like you to care about me enough to take my feelings seriously and [go to the dr]

And do this for the long haul. If you have to bring this up/have the row for 99 days in a row, then have it. 199 days - do it. Become, in a calm and kind way, worse than what he is trying to avoid!!

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 13:15:55

Yes I will have to do that. abit . Although he always counters with if I cared about him enough I wouldn't mind and accept him the way he is. He makes me feel bad for trying to change him and see's it as a purely cosmetic issue that I am being selfish about.

He refuses to believe it is unhygienic or unhealthy. He will not read or look at anything I show him and is adamant he has already seen a dr - when he was in the army - who said he was fine. He argues the army would not have passed his medical if there was a problem.

How can I argue with that? I think I will have to stop explaining and engaging in a debate about it and just say he sorts it or we can't have sex as I am not risking my health anymore. It will then be a stalemate and we wont have sex for months. I will probably leave because I cannot be in a relationship like that. He knows sex is a priority for me and I have already been divorced once because of it.

I will be alone with no where to go and no job and with a baby.

I can almost see every thing played out in front of me. It is so depressing. I am crying now. I am so angry with him.

countingto10 Sat 07-Jul-12 13:37:18

Has he any men friends who have been through anything similar - it really helped my DH that his best friend had been through the same thing only his friends was done as an emergency as the skin underneath that attaches the foreskin snapped/split completely during sex for him shock. He told my DH to get on with it, not to even think about it and get it done - even told my DH to hit his post op erections with a spoon to get rid of them!!!!

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 13:43:56

Sadly no counting everyone in DP's life pretty much tells him he's totally fine and he doesn't have to do anything. So it seems I am the unreasonable one.

tigercametotea Sat 07-Jul-12 15:58:52

Oh ockytockytonga sad
It does sound so hard. It seems he is just not flexible about this issue at all. Is he like that too in other aspects? I always thought a good relationship is about compromise. Not my way or the highway.
I wouldn't be suggesting you leave him for this. It's totally up to you how important this is to you. It does sound quite important to you from the way you have described, but surely if this marriage means enough to him, he would not be against going for some marriage counselling?
It's not really a good time for this to happen is it? You are pregnant, you have all these pregnancy hormones and the physical stuff to cope with right now. And after the baby arrives, you will have to cope with being a new mother as well.
Do you have any family or friend whom you could ask for help with while you sort this out? Or you could postpone it until you feel you have less on your plate?

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 16:30:31

tiger he is pretty inflexible but also he has been quite sheltered from the world so is quite naive at times and has very odd views of sharing. He is an only child, has only work colleagues as friends, he is a workaholic. He hadn't had a gf since he was 19 and has lived for his career. He is a lovely person but I feel I have shook up his world. He has been told he is on the aspergers scale and is very set in his ways, change takes a long time. He loves me and being a family with me has brought colour and happiness into a very functional selfish life. But it is hard for him to let go of it completely.

He see's this as a personal part of his body, one which is intimately part of him, which is absolutely fine as no one has ever made an issue of it before and he has not had any problems. So i am trying to mutilate it for aesthetics and sexual preference - as i said before, he likens it to demanding I have a boob job.

He dislikes pornography so does not see other penises that often. He thinks he is just un-circumcised and every other penis he has seen is. When I point out it isn't he simply ignores or doesn't believe me. His Dad is very aloof and was throughout his childhood. I assume his father never even saw his penis and let his mother deal with everything. She dotes on him and would never accept there was anything not perfect about him.

I have no family apart from my M&D and they live far away and I have no friends.

Both of us are very strong willed, I see this as what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immoveable object! (I am the force and he is the object)

tigercametotea Sat 07-Jul-12 17:36:02

I see. With him being on the Aspergers scale it does make matters a bit different now. I don't know a lot about Aspergers though. All I know is that they can be quite set in their preferences and routine, hate changes. Have you ever been on any support forum for spouses of people with Aspergers? I think they might be able to give you more help about how to deal with a husband with Aspergers. Either way I think he would need counselling - Aspergers' sufferers do go for counselling too, to help them deal with difficulties in life, etc.

It seems like at this point perhaps you might consider postponing making any big changes or starting something big like this until you are more settled into motherhood. I'm not sure how far along are you in your pregnancy at this stage, but with pregnancy hormones raging, you may be more prone to emotionality and find it harder to think rationally or focus. And even after you've had the baby, there'd still be some hormone-adjustment going on in your body (it takes a while for your body to get used to not being pregnant too), and then you have to deal with caring for a new baby, you might be tired out, etc. Your life can sometimes take a few years to settle down after a baby is born. With my third baby that does seem to be the case, not so with my first. Every baby is different. Motherhood can take a lot out of you at times.

The sex bit though. I don't know how you might feel about continuing the way you've always done until you feel in a better place to tackle this issue with him. You won't be stuck with this forever. If you're set on doing something about it, you know you will get to it eventually once you feel ready. Are you okay with continuing with this nagging issue in the background for a while, until you feel more able to cope with sorting it out? If your DH is quite alright to live with most of the time, apart from this issue, then you might find it's not so bad just to bear with it a bit more. But then again, you may feel you're able to start tackling this issue sooner than later. It just depends on how you feel about this.

Opentooffers Sat 07-Jul-12 18:41:44

I think ocky that you need to find the strength to tell him that your relationship for the long term will be in trouble if he does not get this sorted. As he knows you have been strong enough to divorce in the past over sex issues, he should take you seriously and hopefully do something about it.
If he still does nothing when faced with poss loss of relationship with you and his DC, maybe it shows that he will always see himself and his needs above loved ones around him. I'd find it hard to live with someone like that long-term as love is about giving and making those around you as happy as possible, not creating misery by your own selfishness. Sounds like his mother has done a number on him.

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 19:27:44

TBH I think he will be very distressed that he could make me unwell by passing on any infection. So I think that is the way to get him to understand how important it all is. I don't think he has ever considered it could be dangerous for either of us. I know I hadn't.

I will simply say, over and over again, this is not up for discussion, I will not put my health at risk and there can be no sex until he see's the GP. He has private medical, so any procedures should be able to be done quickly.

I will be kind and understanding but I am now determined to sort this out.

tiger I am not emotional or hormonal at all actually. I am very even tempered. I have been fortunate and not had any emotional swings at all.

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 19:29:54

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. I honestly thought everyone would tell me to stop interfering as it is his body and I shouldn't want him to mutilate it.

You have all given me the strength to fix this. smile

countingto10 Sat 07-Jul-12 19:49:50

Fwiw op, my DH had it done privately under insurance - he just told the gp he had insurance and he refered him straightaway for the consultant to decide what to do and it was day surgery. Please tell him he will not regret it, DH wished he had had it done earlier.

tigercametotea Sat 07-Jul-12 21:43:51

I wish you all the best ocky, and hope you manage to resolve this issue. You are not wrong to broach the matter. This is a health issue and nobody here will blame you for wanting him to do something about it (and you are lucky btw, to not to be affected by hormones in pregnancy).

ockytockyonga Sat 07-Jul-12 21:57:16

Or maybe tiger I'm just so hormonal all the time that I haven't noticed any difference during my pregnancy. wink

DP is home tomorrow but has a really busy week at work ahead. I think I will see if I can get an appointment at the dr's and then speak to him next weekend.

Cheers all smile I am terrified but positive. If that makes any sense!?

tigercametotea Sat 07-Jul-12 23:54:57

Just do your best. You know it's right. smile

Aussiebean Sun 08-Jul-12 05:27:15

You also may want to make the point that his penis would not affect his duties in the army. So of course an army doctor would say it it fine.

The army is not paying him to be a loving husband and it would not be their problem if he infected his wife. If it affected his duties as a soldier it would have been sorted straight away. As it didn't he was fine.

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 18:14:40


Hello again. I went to the doctor and he said he would refer DP to the urologist. I made an app with the Dr for DP and spoke to DP about some concerns.

I didn't say anything about sex (as i have already and he is unmoved by this angle) but i did about health. I mentioned Penis cancer and infections which he seemed genuinely concerned about. He said he would go to the Dr. I was so relieved. Have genuinely felt great about everything for the 1st time in ages.

Spoke to him today (when Doc's app approaching) and he said he needs to see evidence now. Shown him stuff online, but there are always things like 'of course circumcision is a drastic last resort with dangers attached' or 'some people are fine with not being able to retract their foreskin' 'IF not retracting your foreskin is a PROBLEM then...'

Also the statistics of penis cancer are so low he now thinks the 'risks' are less than having it fixed or negligible.

So now we are back to square one - it is HIS health and HIS decision whether to see the Dr. Which he wont. I said in frustration then we wont be having ANY sexual contact. I just feel drained and empty. It is always 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I am so upset, i am in bed crying.

Abitwobblynow Thu 09-Aug-12 20:17:27

he said he needs to see evidence now.

You got bliindsided and manipulated, so sorry. Why did you bring it up? Did you know he was not going to do it?

Is he now not going to see the doctor?

Are you afraid of him, or is he just very stubborn? If you said to him in a firm voice, 'you are going', then what would happen?

MariaCallous Thu 09-Aug-12 20:18:02

Ocky, ((hugs))) and a bump.

Don't have any advice my love.

Abitwobblynow Thu 09-Aug-12 20:20:29

And sorry to say this, maybe you should think of leaving. He is showing no concern about your feelings, and he is not showing any trust in you or your judgement, and there is not sense of 'a team'.

And that really isn't a good bedrock for a relationship, sorry. There a loads of men out there who DON'T have wierd mothers or hangups. You can face it now, or you can be like the rest of us and face it at 50.

He needs to see a doctor, but won't.
He is being selfish and putting his fear of embarrasment before your own relationshipsad

I hope you can get him to see sense as this isn't going to get better without surgical help.

poorbuthappy Thu 09-Aug-12 20:30:47

I too would be thinking about leaving.
This is never going to change on its own, he has to do something.
And if he doesn't you are going to wake up in 20 years time and wonder how the hell you ended up there.

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 20:36:54

abit Not sure i understand your question about why i brought it up? DO you mean why did i address it with him?

I brought it up with him because i am worried about it and want it sorted out. As i have said in the thread. I don't think i got blindsided or manipulated, I think he genuinely agreed and then when the reality of going to the Dr's approached he was terrified said he wasn't sure it was as dangerous/bad as i'd said and he wanted to see websites and stuff with information on it.

Obviously with the internet, you can always find counter stuff and stats etc so there are now doubts with him about the severity of it again. I said i just wanted him to go the Dr's for peace of mind (baby steps). I said it was non negotiable. Which got his back up as he hates being blackmailed into things. He said his health was his business. I said no it affects me too and i will not be having sex with him till he goes to the Dr's.

I went upstairs and he came up (after i posted) and asked what was wrong. I said i was worried about his penis. He said okay and kind of acquiesced but he does this then when push comes to shove he backs out.

I am certainly not frightened of him. We adore each other. But he is terrified.

I have dug my heels in now and it will be a waiting game. He doesn't respond well to anger, so i will just have to leave it, let the thoughts formulate, stop ALL sexual activity and wait for him to come round. If he doesn't within 3 months I will say again that it has to be dealt with.

He also asked why it's such an issue for me now. And i don;t know how brutally honest to be. Should i say it ALWAYS has been an issue? Should i say it is ruining sex for me? And always has done? Once that genie is out there's no getting it back in and his feelings may be irreparably damaged.

the big question is: is this a deal breaker for you? what sort of ultimatum can you make that will force the issue?

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 20:43:29

I can't leave (baby due in 2 wks) and i wont leave just yet (i have to try more). There is a full game to play, it is like chess, we have to both use our tactics before he will do anything. This is the routine to get him to change anything. Gentleness works best. but i am so frustrated. Sometimes i just feel like cutting to the chase and saying look it's over unless you do x. But it has to escalate to that more slowly otherwise i just look like a blackmailing loon.

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 20:46:49

claude i think gradual withdrawal, no intimacy and then at the end the prospect of me taking the baby and going would be as severe an ultimatum as possible. I just don't know whether i could do it. I feel dreadful just typing it.

We do love each other so very much. He is frozen by fear.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Thu 09-Aug-12 21:07:23

I haven't read all the posts op, but I just wanted to offer support. My exf had the same problem. He had a very small penis and the foreskin was completely closed tight over the top. It sort of resembled the knot on the end of the balloon IFSWIM. You couldn't see the glans at all.

I sympathise with you, it brings it all back - the smell, the lack of conventional sex. I once took him in my mouth and experienced a flood of urine, it was awful and I couldn't repeat. He only ejaculated once - in two years! Many times during masturbation we had to stop as I'd misjudged and pulled too hard. We had no normal sex life at all, and I used to feel like crying for want of normal intercourse. He used to make me feel bad for feeling this way. Because he couldn't enjoy normal sex he developed some strange habits that I couldn't really accept.

It's rather offish of him not to offer you oral sex, or any way of pleasuring you without a marital aid. You should rediscuss.

I don't want to scare you, but I looked into this in detail, and there is a risk of cancer related to the condition. The cleanliness could become an issue too. He refused to do anything about it, made me feel selfish and unreasonable about asking. I was very worried about the effects of this condition.

He thought I was being selfish and just thinking of sex and children. There is no way he could naturally father a child. It would have had to have been a transfer of sperm in some other way?

I'm afraid it became so much of an issue that I broke it off the engagement.

I saw him a few years ago, he had adopted a child, so I assumed he still didn't have the procedure, but possibly a more understanding partner than me.

I was actually furious with his parents. I didn't discuss the subject, don't worry! But he had this since he was a small boy, his penis seemed as if it never developed. Why wasn't this noticed during his development and bathing him. It sounds paranoid but I think you'll understand my POV op, I check my son's penis discreetly in the bath, ensuring he can pull the foreskin back fully, and clean himself thoroughly. I wouldn't want my son to go through the misery that my ex experienced and I would do what I could to help him.

For his health and wellbeing he needs this op. He should talk to a doctor, it's a very standard procedure.

Good luck op, let us know how you get on.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Thu 09-Aug-12 21:13:16
MyinnergoddessisatLidl Thu 09-Aug-12 21:15:44

I apologise, what I linked to was the opposite problem "paraphimoses".

What your husband has is phimoses.

I'll find a link.

jeanvaljean Thu 09-Aug-12 21:33:09

OP I don't know if you saw this last month but this is why your DH should get seen to, maybe watching this might make him reconsider?

Embarassing Bodies smegma

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Thu 09-Aug-12 21:38:12

Sorry, just caught up with all the posts and realise you have all this info already.

If you are getting stimulated by a vibrator, then you can do that yourself, can't you op?

Strange co-incidence, my ex was in the RAF and said exactly the same thing about a medical. I told him that the military GP hardly asks him to produce an erection for inspection, does he?

It had affected his whole life, he just didn't realise it.

I'm so sorry for you op. It was a deal breaker for me. Perhaps you should put your cards in the table.

shouldkeepquiet Thu 09-Aug-12 21:44:07

Look i've had this operation, it's done under a general so you don't feel a thing. It's sore for a couple of weels afterwards but really not that bad, neuforen is enough to dull it down enough to get around -shopping driving ect. I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh but he needs to toughen up and grow up a bit. There are worse things in life - one of those would be penis cancer!

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 22:16:31

I know what you mean shouldkeep but he doesn't see it as a problem so he doesn't want to have the op. It's not like he's desperate to sort it out and has to get over his fear.

He doesn't want it done in the first place, doesn't see why i do and doesn't want surgery if it is unnecessary. I am trying to convince him it is necessary.

So up till now i have still been hoping he will want it done. But i realise he wont ever. So the way to convince him is say i want it done and i just hope my yes is stronger than his no.

It will have to come down to ultimatums sadly i think.

Abitwobblynow Thu 09-Aug-12 22:22:02

You have some confused ideas of what blackmail is - or maybe you are picking up HIS ideas of blackmail.

Now you are making excuses that he is terrified.

Hmmm. Why are you doing this? Why are you sliding away from the reality that he is not being reasonable, and he does not care about your input? Why are you with this person? Are you terrified of being alone?

Why are his feelings more important than your feelings? If you answered honestly, how would he react? Does he punish you, withdraw, what?

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 22:32:35

good grief, sorry but no. I suppose i know that i would hate ultimatums - which is the word i should have used. He does appear to be terrified, when i spoke to him of penis cancer he went white and very quiet. That is not an excuse.

I know he is not being reasonable or rational but he doesn't - so i am trying to see it in his terms because i am more likely to get a result that way rather than just saying 'right do this or i'm off'. Tbh if someone did that to me i'd say go then. It wouldn't be very sensitive would it.

I am with this person because i love him nothing to do with being terrified of being alone. We are expecting our 1st baby. We are affectionate and cuddly and intimate.

His feelings are not more important but it is his body so he has to agree. I cannot just dictate what i want. He is as convinced he is right as i am. So why is either of us more valid than the other?

Pumpster Thu 09-Aug-12 22:39:24

The things women endure! He is being pathetic and need to man up!

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Thu 09-Aug-12 22:46:40

You can't be cuddly and intimate with someone who smells of stale urine!!

And you can't be intimate with someone who could give you an infection.

He has to face reality op. His life is not normal. Your life is not normal.

Can he manage to at least insert a cotton bud inside and clean during a soak in the bath.

Would he comment if you wore the same underwear for 32 years? How is it any different? He hasn't actually cleaned his penis properly for over 30 years!

Ockytockyonga Thu 09-Aug-12 22:49:17

unfortunately and oddly enough repeatedly shouting that in his face wont work!

I know people are shocked because it is so unusual, but being aggressive to him about it doesn't help the situation.

gottogetbackup Thu 09-Aug-12 23:58:26

The problem here is that your husband is like 99.999% of men and is terrified of going to to see his GP regarding anything other than a sprained ankle let alone something in the nether region. I first went when I was about 25 after a guy at work told me about the cancer caused as a result of cutting oils (in engineering) showing as warts and to check your scrotum regularly. Imagine my horror to find 2 small warts on the base of my penis. I plucked up the courage to see my GP and he reassured me that they were common or garden warts but sent me to see a consultant due to my concerns over the oil involved, who readily froze them with liquid nitrogen. I seem to have digressed but the point I'm trying to make is that (as most of you Ladies have probably expierenced) once you have been to the doctors with a sensitive issue it's a lot easier to go again. Your next challenge is to convince him that he is going to see a medical professional who has signed the Hypocratic oath ensuring total privacy and not some bloke from work who's going to video it and put it on you tube. Good Luck

Leverette Fri 10-Aug-12 07:28:00

I really feel for you in your predicament OP.

Sounds like hypospadias to me - you mentioned his urethral opening being kind of sideways or something IIRC?

He needs to see the urologist.

These are surgeons who spend every day looking at, talking about, studying and operating on penises. I think your DH is projecting his own shame onto others who would only take a view that is considerate, professional and problem solving.

You can't make him do anything though. All you can do is lay out and maintain your own boundaries.

If he won't go, he needs to leave. You are his wife not his mother, and this condition has a really unpleasant and harmful impact on the normal intimacy between DH/DW.

Thistledew Fri 10-Aug-12 07:35:23

I realise that this would not normally be the sort of thing that you could request a GP home visit for, but I think you are in a very far from normal situation. Could you speak to your GP yourself- maybe sneak a photo whilst he is asleep- and ask if the GP would come to speak to him at your home?

Abitwobblynow Fri 10-Aug-12 08:51:06

Sorry to be so ruthless, but - you are not married? You say, DP. And you are not employed? And you are dependent on him for ££££, which he has more of than you? And you are about to have a child together (which makes you MORE dependent)?

Errmmm - I thought you should start thinking less of him, and more of you. Really.

From someone who realises how much dependency has stuffed up her life. Sorry to sound to harsh, but you have no legal contract protecting you from someone who doesn't incorporate you and your feelings in his life.

Ockytockyonga Fri 10-Aug-12 10:17:53

Thank you everyone.

I have seen the doctor and described it. The Dr couldn't believe i managed to get pregnant! The urethral opening is NOT on the side. I'm sorry if i gave that impression. His wee comes out of the side due to the skin pulled over and puckered to the side (looks like the knot on a balloon-ish).

The doctor said he would happily refer him to a urologist. DP has private thru work so it should be quite straight forward.

Anyway, i have sent him links to info and said we will discuss again Sunday night. I have said this isn't going away. I also think as the baby is inbound it is the perfect 'thinking' time for him. As we wont be being sexual anyway, it will give him a taster of what he could lose iyswim.

Abit i do appreciate your concern, but i am fine really. I do have some money now as the sale of my flat has come thru so i have that put in an account for emergencies. I would not stay where things aren't working. I have already left one husband over sexual issues and will not be unhappy for the rest of my life over this. I have given myself a time frame and will make my decisions accordingly. I just know he wont let it get to that, but it's the grind of getting to the inevitable that gets me down sometimes.

He always comes round to do the right thing but change with him is such a long process (i love change so embrace it).

As for 'how can you be cuddly and intimate'? Of course we can, we cuddle in bed, we stroke each others backs, he rubs bio oil on my bump and boobs everyday while telling me and the baby silly stories. All the normal things. He doesn't 'smell of stale urine' all the time, he showers and changes undies twice a day. But he can do if he lets it slide. But he doesn't much and i haven't 'smelled' it for a couple of months now.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Fri 10-Aug-12 11:00:50

Morning Ocky.

Just wanted to say that I wasn't attacking your relationship, with my last post. I understand you have intimacy and you sound like you love your husband very deeply and you also come across as a decent caring person.

You have the patience to try and make this work, where I sadly did not. Although as I said, his failure to ejacualte/orgasm led him down an alternative path of sexuality that I just couldn't follow.

My comments were mainly to spur you on, you deserve a "normal" intimate relationship and by leaving it this long he has normalised things in his brain that are unacceptable to those looking in, and it's unfair to expect you to normalise them too.

Especially when it could all be sorted in a 30 minute procedure!

I hope you manage to sort it. I know how worried you will be about his health too. I feel furious on your behalf with his parents, to not tackle this during childhood when he could have been in pain, prone to infection, or teased at school seems tantamount to child abuse to me. How could they have ignored it! angry

And I just wanted to say good luck with the baby. You have lots to think about at the moment, and need to concentrate on yourself too!

dondon33 Fri 10-Aug-12 12:34:13

Really feel for you OP, sounds awful and frustrating.

It sounds like you're trying your absolute best to help him to sort out any current and potential health problems and of course your sex life.

Personally, I will hold my hands up and say I couldn't be in a relationship without sex or with the level of intimate contact that you are currently having.
I'm not saying I would automatically leave my DP if god forbid something happened like an accident or he had some short term problem with erection, mood etc... but if he refused to deal with a problem that was a risk to both our health and dug his head in sand refusing to believe that things would be be better after treatment, then I'm afraid I would be thinking about leaving him. sad

You have presented him with facts, offered your support on a practical level and emotionally but he is refusing to believe you and effectively showing you that your needs and concerns are not important to him.
I understand that he's probably terrified about having a circumcision, which man wouldn't be, but the point is it's for his health and his relationship. If he does eventually get sorted he may well wish kick himself why he didn't get it done many years ago.
I imagine it's bloody sore afterwards for a week or two but imo its a small price to pay compared to infections or worse he can have if he doesn't sort it.

You say you're pregnant now so the sex pressure will be off for a little while, especially when the little one arrives. Use this time to work on him, I think it's great you spoke to GP about the appointment but there's only so much you can do, you can't physically force him to go there (which is a shame)

Out of curiosity, if you both decided that you had enough DC one day and you couldn't be sterilised due to health risks, would he volunteer or accept having a vasectomy? Just wondering if he is afraid of the prodding and poking in his nether regions or just pig headed regarding this situation as he really blindly thinks there's nothing wrong.

Good look with your baby and good luck with Dp xxx

MardyArsedMidlander Fri 10-Aug-12 12:49:35

TBH- if I was about to go through labour with OUR baby- I would not be feeling half as patient as you about a tiny op on his penis!

Ockytockyonga Fri 10-Aug-12 15:09:04

That's the weird thing dondon he has already said he will happily have a vasectomy, so it isn't the prodding or embarrassment. it appears he feels this is a part of him and i am only interested in it for vanity/aesthetic reasons. As i said he just can't see the difference between this and him demanding i have a boob job.

He thinks we have a fantastic sex life. And tbf we have had more PIV recently. But it isn't doing much for me, as i worry about his penis, and it doesn't sensationally do as much for him as more firm and direct stimulation. So we just do it for the closeness really. But he thinks i am really enjoying it. Which is why i wonder how blunt i can be about this without devastating his pride.

During an honest talk I told my exH i was faking orgasms during penetration and he never got an erection again. We had to go to sex therapy. And our sex life basically died. I don't want to make him feel as tho i have been lying for the last 3 years.

And mardy i totally hear you but the race to the bottom argument does not work. He has said 'so you want me to be in pain just because you will?' etc and just because i have to suffer, it doesn't mean he does too, as some kind of unnecessary sacrificial punishment.

The crux for him is that this is totally unnecessary.

dondon33 Fri 10-Aug-12 19:43:38

Oh Ocky sad seems he has an answer ready for every question/request/explanation that you throw at him.
So it definitely doesn't sound like he has a problem with the poking around down there/embarrassment part. That said, I have a feeling circumcision will be more painful than vasectomy I've been present during a vas and exh was fine no pain

I don't agree it's the same as a boob job in this case - I'll probably be shot down in flames for saying this but say if he was a boobs man and after a few DC sucking the life out of your boobs and they ended up, well you know how they end up. If DP came to you honestly and gently and said he missed your boobs and they turned him off now, then I could POSSIBLY see the point of considering it.
Surely deep down he knows why you are trying to get him to help himself and that his sex life will dramatically improve as a added bonus. With what you've described about him/the situation, I refuse to believe he's "happy" with things the way they are sad

I feel you need to continue about seeing the specialist, more so for any health risks involved and also speak to him again... gently, calmly, heart to heart et c... (I'm sure you already have) and explain to him that the sex side of things IS an issue for you, you want so much to enjoy a full sexual relationship with him and that the vibrator is just not enough anymore (don't beat yourself up for this, you're entitled to want more) Resentment will kick in at some point (maybe you hear your girl friends speak about fab sex lives or something similar and it could eat away at you) so I think you need to be brutally honest, while still in a relaxed way so it doesn't come across as an attack, that you want this sorting out or in the future it could break you, and also the fact that he won't give you oral when you like it is quite selfish if he's not/can't satisfy you through penetrative sex.

he'll kill me for saying this smile but my dp wasn't a big fan of giving oral, when I got to the bottom of why it was, he explained he hadn't done it to many women and thought he was crap at wasn't until he gave me an orgasm doing it (his first) that he actually believed "he could do it" and now he will volunteer his services quite regularly smile

Although you say he can have PIV sex, I can imagine for you it's a nervous situation, like you said yourself- too wet or too dry can hurt him or lose the feeling and of course, you have no control over that.
Don't really know what else to say Ocky, good luck with it, I really hope you get something sorted. xxx

GnomeDePlume Sun 12-Aug-12 15:03:45

Ocky - You mentioned earlier about letting the genie out of the bottle by saying that the sex you have isnt as great as he thinks.

Have you talked as a couple about the changes that having children bring? This includes to your sex life. Things dont go back to normal when you have children, they go forward to a new normal.

We are 17 years on from being at the stage you are. Once you have a family your sex life isnt the same. In my experience (which I dont think is unusual):

- snatching a quickie while the baby sleeps
- sex on the sofa while a toddler sleeps in your bed
- late night quiet sex while your early rising child is asleep
- early morning quiet sex while your teenager sleeps in

When you have a child everything changes. You need to be able to be spontaneous and be open to change to keep the closeness of a good sex life alive. From your OP its sounds as though spontaneity isnt possible.

Would discussing this as a 'couple' thing rather than a 'his issue' thing help?

confuddledDOTcom Sun 12-Aug-12 15:53:12

Use his analogy against him. You have K cup boobs. You can't stand up straight, walk for long, get bad back pain, can't do normal chores properly, can't clean yourself properly and you sweat a lot so your boobs constantly smell... Would he want you to have a boob job and be comfortable, even if you thought that you were used to it and it was fine, or would he ignore it?

Can I just point out, someone said they always retract their son's penis, this is a bad idea. I understand your concern (I was with someone exactly the same way) but it should only be done by the owner of said penis. It's normal for boys to not be able to retract their penis until puberty, it's not a problem like it is with an adult because the foreskin is fused to the glans like a fingernail to a finger, so there's not the issue with the build up of urine and smegma. Just encourage him to keep it clean (like a finger and the motto "only clean what is seen") and he'll retract it himself as he gets older and plays with it, when he's old enough to understand make it part of your healthy sex talks.

HeleninaGoldChariot Sun 12-Aug-12 16:55:51

Gnome, maybe you have the wrong thread? The OP is clear that the sex has always been shit. This relates to physical problems with her DH's penis, and his refusal to understand that this is an issue. Nothing to do with having DC.

Ockytockyonga Sun 12-Aug-12 17:54:29

Hi All

been away for a couple of days so just caught up. Thank you for the advice. I have spoken to DP more about it and altho he has read all the stuff i have sent him he says the stats are still very low for penis cancer.

However, (this sounds awful) not sure if it is because the seed has been planted in his mind, or whether there really is a penis god! But, under the foreskin has started itching him. All day today he has been scratching. This of course has given me an opportunity to labour the infection and hygiene point. He has asked me to make an app at the docs!!

I see what gnome is saying helenina , that the angle of 'changing' our sex life due to the baby could be a more sensitive way to address this rather than the harsh 'sex has always been shite for the last 3 years' approach.

He is snoozing now and when he wakes i am going to say the sex holiday that we are about to have, due to the baby, is an opportunity for us to review and decide what kind of sex life we want to resume with.

I am going to say we have got stuck in a rut and too reliant on the 'toy' usage. I am going to say after we resume our sex life, i want his penis to be sorted out so i can go down on him (something i do miss) and so we can enjoy PIV more as it is not satisfying to me atm. I am also going to say he needs to make an effort with oral on me too, and that it is not fair for him to not do it (particularly as he has other fantasies which i happily indulge - therefore why should he have his fantasies satisfied when i don't. So I will say that unless more effort gets put in for me, then the effort i put in for him will cease).

I already have said today that he should have his penis sorted as it is grim for me the way it is. And he said whatever he chooses will be 100% his decision and I said yes but then it will 100% my decision not to touch it again and leave.

So fingers crossed. I will now try to get a docs app asap, but unfortunately there is usually 3 weeks wait sad

Thanks again all and please send itchy willy vibes this way smile

GnomeDePlume Sun 12-Aug-12 18:54:40

Yes Ocky, that was what I was trying to get at. When the baby comes you will discover that 'quiet' is a key word. Not just at the baby stage but also all the way through. Being reliant on sex toys, a limited range of positions etc is not necesaarily going to work once you have another person in the house.

Perhaps that is something to include in your 'where are we going next' conversation.

The arrival of a baby is a real chance to start over.

Good luck with the conversation and also with the doctors appointment. Surely you can say this justifies an emergency appointment if he seems to have an infection?

Ockytockyonga Sun 12-Aug-12 18:59:32

Well gnome the docs is an issue because they are on the whole stupendously rubbish and almost every doctor i have seen there does the bare minimum and seems to be about 100 or a muslim women (neither will make DP want to get his old chap out). One doctor is a young male similar age to DP. This is the doctor i saw to speak about DP's problem, so this is the one i would like DP to see if possible. If the others don't know the issue and just give DP antibiotics/cream then i am back to square one.

this is not a cosmetic thing at all - its hygenic and surely he would hope for a better sex like,my dh is circumsised (muslim) they are so clean
i think the smell your getting is the smegma (natural secretions for the glands) that is caught under the foreskin -did you see embarrassing bodies the other night a guy called sam on there had it ,the stuff they found under his foreskin made me gag
here's a link maybe get him to watch it

confuddledDOTcom Sun 12-Aug-12 19:37:53

In general it's not a hygiene issue, hygiene is a hygiene issue. I've met circumcised men who were not clean because they weren't. But Ocky, in your DP's case this is certainly a health issue! It's only really a hygiene issues because it's getting in the way of adequate hygiene, just like my big boobs analogy.

The Embarrasing Bodies episode might be good for him to watch.

Ockytockyonga Sun 12-Aug-12 19:41:10

He wont watch it and wont look at pics of phimosis or penises either. He says he knows he is different so doesn't need to see. He is very squeamish.

you watch it then you can tell him what its like

Ockytockyonga Sun 12-Aug-12 19:50:40

i have. He wont hear it. I have just tried to speak to him and he wont talk sad

I have said we need to talk tomorrow. I love him so much i can't bear this.

its so sad ,at the end of the day its his body and you cant force him into it.
if it were me then i may have to consider breaking up - what you have is not a great sex life ,if you can imagine things staying the same for the rest of your life then drop it if not then you may have to re think .
best of luck x

dondon33 Sun 12-Aug-12 20:21:32

I don't know whether to say great that he has an itch poor sod but it's kicking his arse to go to the GP, so that's a good thing Ocky.

Demand to see the GP you want even if it means waiting (hopefully this itch doesn't turn into a full blown infection in the meantime.

He is right it is 100% his decision about what he has done but he shouldn't base that decision on fear and ignorance, especially not with the health risks involved.
I don't see what you're saying as ultimatums, you're telling him how you feel and what you could feel in the future and that could mean leaving him. It's his call now.

As for the comment about circumcised meaning clean, it's not medically proven to be any cleaner than having a foreskin. It's the owner of the penis in control of the hygiene.

Hope all goes well Ocky, both with DP and the baby xxx

HeleninaGoldChariot Sun 12-Aug-12 22:39:15

Apologies Gnome, I hadn't realised that you were suggesting OP use this as a tactful way of talking to her DH.

Ocky there is a penis God, who knew? grin

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 08:12:56

Apparently the itch has stopped today, so everything's alright hmm . I feel as tho i am banging my head against a brick wall.

I tried to speak to him last night about how our sex life would change and that this was a good opportunity to give it a bit of an MOT. I said things had stagnated a bit and i wanted to talk about some things i would like to change. He said it sounded as if i just had a list of complaints and that he didn't want to hear them.

I said he doesn't get to decide what i say/feel and that while i understood he wasn't in the mood to talk last night this would be discussed tonight. I also pointed out that he talks about his sexual fantasies with me, and has no qualms asking for quite out there things, so it is hardly fair he gets his needs met and i don't. He quietly nodded in agreement and i left the room.

I will speak to him tonight but i am not hopeful. it is so frustrating and depressing. I think i am going to have to get more brutal. sad

I am going to make a dr's app today and insist he go to it.

Baygreen Mon 13-Aug-12 08:27:32

ockyI haven't got any great advice unfortunately but having read this and just saw your update this morning I really think you need to start putting things into place to support yourself.
I realise you love your husband and you want to help but seriously if he loves you then he would get thus sorted wouldn't he?I get that he's squeamish etc but you have spoke about potential health risks,there is the unpleasant hygiene aspect,the limited and unfulfilling sex life and the repeated refusal to actually grow up and sort it.I feel for you,you sound lovely,patient caring and supportive and dealing with this while pregnant as well!
He should be sorting this problem himself and not putting you through this shit,he knows it hurts you but won't do anything?I think you have been exceptionally understanding but there comes a time when you need to think of you,and it sounds like it's now.

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 08:44:40

Thanks Bay. Tbh i am starting to get really angry now. I am angry at how patient and understanding i have been and that he has just taken that as a green light to ignore me.

I do love him very much but this is a side of him which is totally unbearable and just like his awful father. MIL pussy foots around him and i just can't stand it. I also can't cope with the thought that he could become more like PIL if i don't put my foot down now.

As he wont listen, do you think a letter might be better? He gets very defensive and hates confrontation so i'm not sure whether this might be a better way of being more direct.

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 13-Aug-12 08:50:54

To be honest ocky, from what you have described your dh is lucky you go near him sad

Have you never ended up with infections as the way you describe the smell and so forth, it doesn't sound like things are clean down there.

I think you do need to get very harsh. Ultimately if he won't do anything about it, I think you will come to resent him enough to cause real problems in the future.

My stbxh had something different. About four years into our marriage he started suffering from premature ejaculation. For three years I put up with the quickest of quickies trying never to make him feel bad about it. He would never go and see a gp. It was that which made me resent him, not the premature ejactulation. The fact that something could be done about it but he wouldn't go and see about it. Hard to feel loved when your opinion counts for so little isn't it? Best of luck.

Baygreen Mon 13-Aug-12 09:05:59

I think for me reading the thread what stands out for me is him basically ignoring you/the problem/the risks/the solution etc.
The problem he has sounds unpleasant with regard to hygiene and obviously the sex that is limited but I'm just annoyed on your behalf with the refusal to do anything even though he knows he us causing you so much upset.
As for whether a letter might be better I'm not sure,but you know it might help you compose your thoughts and help articulate your feelings and make it clear to him you are serious about how he deals with it.
I think you need a clear time frame,sorry when is the baby due?,and make it clear that if he hasnt started on the road to sorting it them you will be ending the relationship.and I hate to even think about typing that but I think you have been more patient and understanding than anyone would say is necessary.
This man is meant to love you ocky and by not dealing with this he is showing you contempt,lack if respect,but certainly not love.
You don't deserve this,you really don't x

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Mon 13-Aug-12 10:42:50

Confuddled you are misquoting me in your post when you said:
"someone said they always retract their son's penis"

I didn't say I physically retracted my son's penis. What I actually said was:

I check my son's penis discreetly in the bath, ensuring he can pull the foreskin back fully, and clean himself thoroughly.

This issue with my ex affected me so badly (the worry and fear and unpleasantness the op is going through is awful) that I checked with my doctor as to the appropriate age a boys foreskin should retract. I was told the average was 5 years but could be later. The doctor said my DS should try himself in the bath as far as it would comfortably go, and gave me instructions on keeping it clean etc. Also said that if it wasn't retracting you could insert a cotton bud into some clean water and circle the glans gently inside the foreskin, being mindful not to apply pressure.

I did this bathtime check with him twice this year, at the age of 7 - he did it to ensure he was comfortable and then I gave him the GP's advice on cleaning and keeping healthy - I'm not dragging back my son's foreskin at every bathtime!

Ocky does that mean the doctors appointment is off now?

I am getting angry for you hun. Hope you aren't getting too stressed, with the impending birth. Can you get some time on your own - a few nights with a friend to clear your head and think things through.

This thread is helpful, but you are "on topic" so to speak and I'm sure if your DH is like my DH he'll now just start switching to white noise as soon as you bring it up.

You are right about the fantasies though -why the hell should you accommodate it anymore?! On a more personal note - could you get a more realistic, life like sex toy for yourself, for some private time?

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 11:28:02

Thanks all, it really helps. I haven't got many friends and none i could share this with.

I think in retrospect i have made the mistake of assuming that he will pick up on hints and make changes, just like i would. I have over estimated his perception and empathy. I know for example if this was me the very first hint i got that something wasn't right i would have had it seen to and the moment i thought it would affect our sex life it would have been sorted.

But as i said upthread he is quite aspergers-y with a lot of traits. He really doesn't 'read' situations and facial expressions etc the same as others. I don't know why, despite, knowing this, i have continued to tread so carefully. I know he hates being told things bluntly, as to him they appear out of the blue even though he has been missing the massive signals and warnings. And then feels ambushed. I know that when i bring this up again tonight he will either act like he has no idea what i'm talking about (as it's been fine up to now) or accuse me of bullying. There is no happy medium.

It has also got to the point where i am bored of it. I just want to shout in his face, 'grow up, sort your cock out, go down on me more and stop being so selfish or i am leaving, you have 2 months'.

The baby is due in 2 weeks.

To the poster who suggested about maybe he doesn't like oral because he doesn't think he is doing it right, that is not it. He has done it occasionally and i have orgasmed. The problem is he is squeamish and doesn't like using his mouth for much, not keen on kissing with tongues etc. He doesn't like gooeyness or icky mess. Really has a thing for being touched with anything wet etc. He doesn't really appear to like the 'feel' of me full stop. He likes the toys as he can keep a distance i think.

JennerOSity Mon 13-Aug-12 11:42:52

Hello OP, I haven't read the whole thread - but just a thought, if the doctors at your surgery are unlikely to be helpful - could he go to a sexual health clinic instead who are more specialised in this area. They don't just deal with STI's I'm sure. They will be more experienced at helping people with genital problems and more likely to take it seriously? smile

KnockedUpMell Mon 13-Aug-12 11:47:41

Sounds like your DP has a medical condition- phymosis and circumcision would be indicated /appropriate! Get him to see his GP for a professional opinion. In fact it should have been address when he was growing up and not left so late. I don't blame him for not wanting to go for surgery though... I'd imagine circumcision is quite a painful procedure.....

expatinscotland Mon 13-Aug-12 11:49:49

You have the patience of Job! I'd have left this chap after the first encounter. He has a serious health problem and needs to look after it. You can't do that for him.

HeleninaGoldChariot Mon 13-Aug-12 12:22:02

I just want to shout in his face, 'grow up, sort your cock out, go down on me more and stop being so selfish or i am leaving, you have 2 months' This is it in a nutshell.

OP you have tried everything else. What would happen if you did say this but calmly. Possibly keep repeating it like the broken record technique? I know you fear the history with your ex repeating itself but you do not need to be finding the energy for dealing with his penis when you have a new born.

dondon33 Mon 13-Aug-12 12:35:16

Twas moi who said maybe he thinks he's not good at oral. So that's ruled out then.
From what you wrote on the end of your last post Ocky - maybe here lies another part of the problem.

he is squeamish and doesn't like using his mouth for much, not keen on kissing with tongues etc. He doesn't like gooeyness or icky mess. Really has a thing for being touched with anything wet etc. He doesn't really appear to like the 'feel' of me full stop. He likes the toys as he can keep a distance i think.

He know's if he gets his cock sorted then it's a green light for more sex, no more excuses. Maybe this frightens him. To be honest he doesn't sound emotionally mature enough,

confuddledDOTcom Mon 13-Aug-12 12:59:08

MyinnergoddessisatLidl, you didn't say you do it twice a year so when you said you do it in the bath it sounds like you meant everytime. Some boys don't retract until puberty and it shouldn't be an issue until then, most boys will play with themselves and it'll happen naturally eventually.

I do get why it would affect you, my ex was the same so I know exactly what the smell and everything is like, if it wasn't for the problems in my husbands family (some of them are born without any opening) I would probably have been the same with any son I had. I also spend a lot of time online with Americans so I've read far more than I ever would have and as many aren't used to intact men caring for one is always a big issue.

I wasn't meaning anything by it.

ChooChooLaverne Mon 13-Aug-12 13:07:08

Ocky - it really does sound like it's all about him. He seems to be happy with the status quo and doesn't seem particularly interested in what you want.

Not sure what else you can do apart from tell him what you really want to shout at him.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl Mon 13-Aug-12 13:11:45

No worries Confuddled, I also want to assure you that I have bathed my son more than twice this year! blush

I was just told it's easier in the bath, warm water etc and wanting to bring it up casually as a subject of personal hygiene (and not a way of calming my dread!). And it's the only time I see my son's parts of course!

Do you know for women, this would be such a procedural non-issue. Like stitches after childbirth. Is he excited about the baby "Ocky"? Does he realise what you are putting your body through for this relationship.

I'm banging my head in sympathy with you today.

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 13:18:55

I do take a portion of the blame. I have been way too passive and let him continue thinking it's fine. I have mentioned a few things but not wanted to hurt him as he is quite fragile (had a very odd upbringing - verging on abuse). But i think he has also learned unhealthy coping strategies from that upbringing which i have indulged. ie denial, self absorption, getting disproportionately upset so someone stops and calling bully on anyone who disagrees with him.

I have decided to write a letter. Then he can't go back and say i didn't say what i did or he didn't understand me (which he does, we have had massive chats about stuff and agreed on actions to take then ho doesn't do it and denies we ever agreed to anything).

dondon i think you are right, due to his upbringing he has learned to be alone, that is his defense to pain or anything challenging. It has taken him a long time to really let himself love and be loved, and that brings vulnerability. His father is the same, alienating everyone rather than face hurt in the long term.

i think DP would hate to go back to that life now though. He has seen how nice a life can be shared with someone who loves you. It is just making him realise there is a price to pay for that life too, you can't have both.

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 13:23:40

myinner he is very excited about the baby. All he has ever wanted is a family of his own. People who don't withdraw and punish him for imagined transgressions.

He wants to look after us and protect us. He rubs oil onto my belly every day talking to the baby.

I don't want to threaten to leave him and take everything he has, but it is my only bargaining tool. I don't want him to resent me for getting him in a vulnerable place and then using it to force him to do something against his will.

It is such a tough balance. I feel as though i am on a moral and emotional tightrope.

SeymoreInOz Mon 13-Aug-12 13:40:51

ocky you say DH has private healthcare? In which case you can self refer to a urologist privately without needing the GP appointment.

Can you make the point to DH that seeing a urologist doesn't mean he has to do anything, it will simply be a consultation in which the doctor will take a look and lay out the treatment options (one of which would be do nothing). When it comes to penises, urologists have seen it all, every day, and they are well versed in dealing with men with hang ups (because they've had a lifetime of something a bit different to the norm). There's nothing to fear, and it need only be fact-finding.

JennerOSity Mon 13-Aug-12 13:59:09

Had a quick look on NHS website at sexual health and the bit on how to look after your penis gives some very objective but frank information on what happens if you don't clean under your foreskin... the word smegma was used blush and it describes the smell and how off putting it is for partners and the health risks of it.

Since he sees it as equivalent to him asking you to get boob job, and won't do unnecessary surgery - would something from a trusted source like NHS and with very plain information show him it isn't just you being precious?

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 14:02:26

i couldn't make the app without his consent and i do not know his medical account number. I also mentioned it to DP and he seemed reluctant as i don't think he wants work knowing. sad

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 14:04:06

jenner i have already shown him that and it hasn't swayed him. He completely understands me not wanting to put it in my mouth (he has said he wouldn't either) and is happy to use condoms for sex.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 13-Aug-12 14:09:43

Work won't know what he's using the private health for.

I've got private health nobody gets the details of what I went for, you get an option to tick that all reports be sent thro you if requested by work.
Which has never happened as nobody cares as long as I go to work!

JennerOSity Mon 13-Aug-12 14:10:28

Oh dear. sad

He is just so used to living with it and has no idea how much better life can be when your penis isn't a problem has he. Such a shame. Is there any support for people with those sorts of problems? I mean anywhere you could go to put him in touch with someone else who had the problem and got it sorted and could tell him what a difference it would make - not just to you but to him personally?

dondon33 Mon 13-Aug-12 14:16:45

Don't blame yourself for what you call passive Ocky, You've maybe been gentle as to not hurt his feelings but that's normal - you love him and don't want to hurt him.
He may have had to learn to be alone and learn how to do the relationship stuff lets be honest it's not always easy even in the easiest of relationships but the point is he IS in a relationship and should have learned by now that you take the other half's feelings, opinions, needs and wants into consideration, there is no I in WE.
Personally, I think you've been vastly accommodating towards him, he needs to realise that what you're saying to him is not an attack, the number one priority is for his health, then for your sexual relationship. You're saying these things because you care, because you want to stay with him.
Keep talking to him, you've made it clear what you are and not willing to accept, so keep on with the health side side of things.
Also, maybe just maybe when he sees you give birth to his baby and witnesses what you have to go through, it might kick him into action iykwim, like a "OMG, if she can do that then I can find my balls and get myself sorted"

Ockytockyonga Mon 13-Aug-12 14:24:21

i hope so dondon i just think he will see no connection whatsoever and will just think 'few thank god that's not me'. He keeps telling me how brave i am.

JennerOSity Mon 13-Aug-12 14:28:08

It does sound like the letter idea is a good one. The reasons you want this are many indeed, it is for him, for you and for both of you! He must see that it isn't for superficial reasons like a boob job is. If he could at least talk to the right person who would explain the benefits of the procedure properly, that would be a start. He could agree to look into it, without agreeing to go ahead - yet.

Baygreen Mon 13-Aug-12 15:31:40

I think you should write the letter,then leave it with him.I think you need to leave any more discussion about it and prepare yourself for the birth of your should be relaxing now and enjoying this time as a family.
If he knows you are serious then he should be sorting it out and not giving you any additional stress at this time.
Please stop thinking about making appointments etc,this needs to he your time now!
Looking forward to hearing about the new baby when it arrives!!
Good luck and really please let your husband get on with it now while you wind down and think about you and the beautiful baby that's coming xx

SeymoreInOz Tue 14-Aug-12 03:54:49

The letter sounds like a good idea. There's no way work would find out what he's using the healthcare for, that would be a breach of patient confidentiality!

Ockytockyonga Tue 14-Aug-12 05:00:34

Can't sleep, mind whirring and baby kicking. I think the letter then leaving it is the way to go. I don't have head space for this atm. And as usual mad PILs are ratcheting their lunacy up a gear.

I asked DP how the itch was and he said it was gone (although i am not sure i believe him, as i see him having quick scratches when he thinks i am not looking). I asked what that meant and whether he was going to go to the doctors, and he said (seriously, get this...) 'no, i think i will go to the dentist instead' confused . He has chipped a tooth so needs the dentist, but i'm not sure why only one can be done at a time. If i needed a smear test and a filling i would see that as separate issues. Or maybe he thinks i just want him to suffer and the dentist is a good compromise!

Anyway, MIL also has sent him a really horrid PA email which has upset him. (saying how 'unconfident' and ill prepared - despite their best efforts of course - he is to deal with stuff, but it's okay because she's always there for him...cheers for that, knock his confidence so he comes running. Not that he will, he is trying to ignore her.) The closer to the baby we get the more of these bizarre emails he gets, they just cannot cope that he is getting other priorities in his life and are throwing everything they have at making him 'need' them.

So now i am going to compose a letter and give it to him in a few days (if the PILs calm down by then). The thing is every time i bring anything up there is always something else stressful happening (PILs, work, etc) and i am made to feel as though i am adding to the stress. But if i waited for a perfect time i would never get to say what is bothering me.

Well that's the plan for now but things seem to change so quickly...

JennerOSity Tue 14-Aug-12 09:32:26

It hardly seems surprising he reacts badly given his parents method of upbringing - poor guy! They seem very emotionally manipulative. But of course you still have to address these things, and he will hopefully see your way of dealing with things is better ultimately.

It takes such patience from you though, to deal with it in a special way that he can cope with and so slowly - you must be at least partially a saint! I hope you get there between you.

Good luck and good luck and congratulations on your new baby - very exciting! grin

Spanglemum Tue 14-Aug-12 11:59:25

I really feel for you Ocky and just wanted to add a couple of things. I work with people with Aspergers. A lot of your DH's behaviour sounds like Asperger's, the not 'getting' hints and gestures and then being surprised and hurt by hearing some thing said bluntly really stands out for me, also the 'logical' answer to the question are you going to the doc?' 'No I am going to the dentist, my tooth hurts' is classic. But also the squeamishness and dislike of kissing, giving oral. Some people with ASD (which inc Aspergers) find sex very icky, because they are over sensitive, not cos they are prudes. DOes he do things like cut labels out of his clothes or dislike having a hair cut?

Obviously neither him nor his father have a diagnosis but you might find it useful to look on the National Autistic Society Website or look on here for some threads on people with Aspergers DHs. Even just to get some advice on how to encourage him to go to the Doc's.

I'm not doing an online diagnosis here btw just wondering if you both need some support along those lines?

Just wanted to offer some support. My dh has awful parents too and it's caused innumerable difficulties along the way, but we're getting there. I hope you do too.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 15:04:33


DP went to the doctors today, reluctantly. He refused to discuss it before he went, saying it was private. So i have no idea what he actually said to the doctor. The appointment was with the doctor i had previously discussed this with. DP has returned saying the doctor did not mention sex, hygiene or risks really. He says the doc said it's been fine up to now so it's dp's choice whether he wants it done or not. Which he doesn't.

I just fucking knew this would happen. I have told DP that unless he sorts it out i am leaving him. I am at the end of my tether. I am 40+1 weeks now and i just don't want to look at DP at the moment. I can't bear the thought of him being in the birth with me. I just wish i was alone now. laying in bed crying.

countingto10 Thu 30-Aug-12 15:57:27

So sorry Ocky. Thing is you don't really know what the dr said, ony his interpretation of it and of course an operation is the choice of the person having the op, nobody can force him.

You are in an intolerable position (it was bad enough putting up with my DH's problem for a couple of months). For now though, you have the more important issue of your baby's birth coming up, do not let this take away the joy of that (you never know the baby may make him take more responsibility for his health and seeing you go through the birth may make him appreciate the things people do for others).

Good luck with the birth and new baby and put this on the back burner for now.

And you don't have to have him at the birth either, that is your choice entirely.

quietlysuggests Thu 30-Aug-12 16:18:27

dont be mad at the doctor, people hear what they want to hear.
I'm so sorry.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 16:31:33

Oh i didn't mean i was angry with the poor doctor! I mean i just knew DP wouldn't address any of those issues. Before he went i asked what he was going to say and he said it was private. I said the point was to talk about x,y & z and he said he would go alone and deal with it myself as it's none of my business. So i have no idea what he must have said. He wouldn't tell me how he even started the discussion. When i asked if the doc mentioned sex or washing he said no. He said the doc said there were 'some' risks but they still weren't high. I bet the doctor wondered why the fuck he was even there. Sounds like the most pointless app ever.

Anyway, DP is now angry with me because all he agreed to was go to the app which he did so i am being unreasonable now. He can't understand that means going to the app properly rather than just paying it lip service. So he has held up his end of the bargain and i am moving the goal posts. I seriously have never met such a stubborn pain in the arse.

I wrote him a letter explaining everything, which he was upset about but didn't want to talk about after. In the letter i said what needed to change or i'm leaving after the i'm settled with the baby. I have no idea if he has just resigned himself to that now or what. He just keeps saying 'you aren't going to leave me are you' and i say unless things are done then yes. I am raging inside.

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 16:42:34

Can you not call the Doctor yourself and explain the full problem. You can say the Doctor called and said he needs to see a specialist. Then get the Doctor to refer him to the urologist?

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 17:03:15

I've already seen the doctor and explained in detail about sex and hygiene. The doctor has said send him in and he will refer him, but it's up to DP. Doc said today he could have it sorted but DP said no.

Offred Thu 30-Aug-12 17:07:40

I think maybe you need to ask him to leave for a while so you can focus on the birth. That is if you really actually can't manage to ignore it anymore tbh. Just to give you space to deal with it calmly. Stress will not help your labour.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 17:31:02

i don't want him to move out (it's his house anyway so he would just say no!). i need his support with the baby (taking me to hospital and back etc) and without him i have no access to any money atm. I would have nowhere to go either if i left.

I have calmed down now. I went for a walk and a think. i will the baby with him and then see what happens.

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 17:33:34

You can't do much more. You need to concentrate on yourself and your babies health. Hopefully he will change his mind in time. I can't believe someone can live with a health problem like that. He obviously has issues from being a child from his Mother not getting the problem sorted in the first place. Maybe this is the real issue, he feels as though he is betraying his Mother's original decision by ignoring the issue IYSWIM.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 17:54:40

It's not that bad he just refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. He has never ever compromised or done something he doesn't want. He is also now just pretending nothing has happened. He also does this when he expects it all to just go away. He genuinely believes he's 'done his bit' by just going to the doctor (he made out it was a really big deal). i could hardly keep a straight face considering i'm about to have a fucking baby!

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 18:13:02

Is there A male friend/relative that could speak to him?

Offred Thu 30-Aug-12 18:13:19

From your description it sounds absolutely awful and tbh not something I would tolerate in a relationship.

Offred Thu 30-Aug-12 18:13:57

Not so much the actual problem as the attitude in dealing with it IYSWIM.

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 18:15:52

Maybe you could 'threaten' to tell your Dad (the non sexual side of the problem) and get him to phone him? As ignoring a serious health problem and his wife is unacceptable behaviour and if he cannot help himself you will need help from family members to explain the gravity of the situation to him.

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 18:17:26

Or the next time he experiences 'itching' call the emergency doctor.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 18:19:16

No bad no one also even if there was he would never talk about it with anyone, he wont even talk to me. He would be livid if he thought i had told anyone.

And yes Offred this is definitely his worst aspect. monumental stubbornness and totally blinkered inability to see anyone elses pov. It makes him great at his job though <sigh>

3littlefrogs Thu 30-Aug-12 18:21:38

I wonder how much actual help he is going to be with the baby?

It sounds as if there are a lot of behavioural issues here.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 18:24:10

Sorry bad thanks for your suggestions, i do appreciate them, but, that did make me laugh. There is no way telling my dad would work. For a start my dad would tell me to eff off as he wouldn't want to know or get involved. Secondly DP would go fucking apeshit and leave me just for telling my dad. He would also tell dad to mind his own business!

He told the doctor about the itching and the doctor said he would refer him, but DP has said no. So i can't see what getting an emergency doctor out would do either.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 18:26:36

3little i honestly bet he is amazing with the baby. He is totally wrapped up in the thought of the baby already. He will happily do nappies etc. I don't think that will be a problem.

Badjudgeofcharacter Thu 30-Aug-12 18:32:07

Wow. I don't know what else to say. Maybe write him another letter stating your terms. Hopefully he will see sense sooner rather than later.

expatinscotland Thu 30-Aug-12 18:38:56

You know, life is WAY WAY too short to put up with what you are, OP. It really is.

Personally, I'd have left after the first attempt at 'sex', but seeing as that you didn't and are with this person and somehow managed to conceive, I'd rather be without money than with someone like this.

Just to add to this, my DH has something similar - although not as bad as your DP in that it doesn't really affect sex....his half pulls back but not fully.

He went to see the doctor recently and the doc was very firmly of the view it wasn't right and needed sorting. He said it can cause infection, or can tear during intercourse and DH was lucky not to have had issues with this and he needed to see a urologist ASAP. He has his op booked soon.

Now from what you say I strongly suspect your DP isn't telling you everything!! I know all docs are different but for something that isn't such an issue my DH was told to have the op, so its odd your DP wasn't told similar.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 18:58:08

Oh Expat i didn't mean to say i was only with him for money! I love him. I am just saying that atm i don't have any to fall back on, so i couldn't make a grand gesture of leaving as i'd have nowhere to go.

sparkle yes i truly expect DP is telling me fibs. I cannot imagine the doc changing his tune so much from when i discussed it with him the other day.

bad i set my terms out in the letter already quite plainly. I have said, more oral and circumcision (and marriage) or i am leaving in 2 months.

He is now talking about us emigrating - as if i would say oh okay that makes up for the other 3! total denial and utter madness.

expatinscotland Thu 30-Aug-12 19:00:59

I realise that, OP, but you do have a place to go! Go to Women's Aid. Go the homeless route at your council.

But no, I'd not stay with someone who had so little respect for our lives together.

And NO way are you to emigrate! He cannot force you to or take your child with him.

If you're lucky, he'll fuck off by himself.

Hafgrape Thu 30-Aug-12 19:03:05

My DP had the same problem, and just wasn't interested in,penetrative sex because of the pain. He was circumcised and there are pros and cons.

Sex and the other probs have gone but he was very sensitive for at least a year, he can't wear boxers and if his pants aren't the right fit he complains of rubbing pain, although this is a lot better than it was. For at least a year he said if he could turn back time he wouldn't of done it, but I don't think that's the case now.

Sex is good now, but needs lube, I'm 4 months pregnant so it's all working!

It's a difficult decision and for the first year I felt guilty as DP regretted it, although I never pressurised him into it, he has to want to do it himself and accept that it may not all be plain sailing but may be worth it in the end.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 19:14:46

ha! expat your post made me laugh. I don't want him to fuck off by himself. (sometimes i do, but it doesn't last) I want him to fix it.

And haf i am now worried. My strength to get this done is based on the fact it would be so much better virtually immediately (within months anyway). The thought it may be worse or not get better within a year is terrifying. I couldn't stand the guilt and would worry DP would resent me.

expatinscotland Thu 30-Aug-12 19:20:43

'I want him to fix it.'

Yeah? Well, he won't. He hasn't by now and after this latest situation he is firmly telling you he won't do a thing about it.

Heleninahandcart Thu 30-Aug-12 19:23:37

OP re after effects it usually does work. An ex had this done in his mid twenties several years ago, he said it was sensitive for a few months and then it settled down. He was pleased he had it done, cleaner and made sex easier.

You have been driven to distraction by your DP's attitude, you cannot have been clearer in saying what you need, you are willing to walk away if he does not do something about it. Either he will or will not see sense. I sincerely hope he does deal with this.

Meanwhile, you get on with looking after yourself and your baby when he or she arrives, his penis can rot wait for a while.

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 19:27:07

Well if he doesn't 'fix it' expat i will be the one fucking off by myself!

Yes helen i have said it and will stick to it. In 2 months i should have some money through, so that will coincide with the 'ultimatum' deadline.

Busybusybust Thu 30-Aug-12 19:54:44

Been reading this since the start. He is being stupid and so are you. Why would you put up with this? Just say that here is no sex until he does it.

FWIW ma son had a too. Tight foreskin and had to have a circumcision when he was eight - he was quite embagrrassed at the time - but it had to be done.

Really, make him do it. The sex life you have is not good. It would b so much better for you both if h has this done

ethelb Thu 30-Aug-12 20:04:34

Btw he may not have to have a circumcision or at least not a full one. They may just can a slit in it or even just give him a steroid creAm to make it stretch. Can you phrase it like that? Make out you think he just needs some cream? grin

ockytockyonga Thu 30-Aug-12 20:11:23

Erm busy i have, he's fine with that! he's a sex camel. We are having a baby so sex is off the cards anyway. I know sex would be better but he thinks its fine the way it is - he knows no better.

ethelb he is more terrified of that than a full circumcision. He wont even contemplate any stretching. Not sure how i could convince him he 'just needs cream' when he would have to be stretching it every day which is what is the fear in the first place (stretching it and hurting it). SO sadly nope.

Anyway the Ostrich award for living in denial goes to DP. He just came in to me and said 'all this is just because of the stress of the baby' ERM NO IT FUCKING ISNT YOU INFURIATING MAN. I actually kind of admire him for his total single mindedness.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 06:52:06

So now he is very upset. He doesn't understand why i had a relationship with him in the first place when i knew this was part of him. I don't really have an answer for that other than when we were using condoms it wasn't such a big deal. Also i suppose when we 1st met i wasn't planning a life with him.

Also he is now saying that telling him i'm planning on leaving him when we are due our baby has irreparably hurt him. I have tried to explain i haven't said i AM going to leave him, just that if this isn't sorted i am not prepared for an unfulfilling sex life for the rest of my life.

He says whatever he has done wont fix/change anything and he has never asked me to go down on him so no oral is fine. Not for me.

He says he can't bear the thought of looking down and seeing something different - this is part of him and he doesn't want to change it.

He says i had an agenda and now i've got what i want (the baby) i am showing i don't really love him. This hurts the most. I love him too much i think.

PILs have upped the lunacy one more notch and sent him another 'email'. So now he feels totally lost and ganged up on and i can't make it better. I can't reassure him because 'i'm planning to leave him'.

I am 40+3 and i can't believe i am going to have this baby in this atmosphere. I am distraught. He wont look at me or touch me. I need comfort and i have nothing. i am sobbing now. I feel so sad for my baby. I feels so sad for DP. I can't fix any of it.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 08:15:55

It is not irrational to want or need him to do something about this. It isn't as simple as it "just being part of" him. It has a negative effect on his life and on his relationships and it sets a poor example for his children about how you deal with things like this.

You love him and so it is really hard, you know what he says about the baby isn't true and it says more about him than you that he values not getting a medical problem solved more than you and the baby. Just because you didn't put pressure on him to sort it out at first doesn't mean you were never bothered about it and surely you have only learned the full effect on your sex life over time.

He has put his cards on the table, what are you going to do now? Maybe he should give you a bit of space?

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 08:18:07

It is unfortunate timing. How do you feel about the birth?

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 08:28:00

i just feel spent. like there is nothing left i can do. like i just want to lay down and sleep and never wake up.

He has just heard me crying and asked what's wrong. I said i was so worried about us and he coldly said "MY" behaviour has now put a massive question mark over the future of our relationship, and while he loves me the fact on the eve of our first baby i have done this has changed his feelings for me.

Incidentally i wasn't going to bring it up before the baby, but he found the letter i wrote and his penis was itching so it seemed like i should go with it.

I am so completely and totally alone. The baby hasn't moved much. i am so worried i have hurt it.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 08:37:03

You won't have hurt the baby. The role of stress in pregnancy is overplayed. If you are worried then go and have it checked out. If not lie down, rest, drink water. This undoubtedly seems much worse than it is because of the timing. You need to try and focus and calm and prepare for the birth. You do not need to focus on who is to blame for what or what you should be doing with whom. If he is not helping you with the immediate priority of having this baby with love and joy then get him away from you and deal with any fall out later. If he is any kind of partner then he will be able to understand that the baby must be your priority right now and that stress won't help with your labour and birth. Could you look into getting a doula to help with the birth at the last minute?

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 08:39:45

I mean if there was something wrong it won't be down to this stress.

countingto10 Sat 01-Sep-12 08:39:59

I think you are going to have to call a truce for the time being, whilst you give birth etc. that really is the most important thing ATM. His itchy penis might do the job for you if he gets an infection that won't clear up hmm.

Baby's do slow down near the end but if you are worried give the hospital a ring and get checked out to put your mind at rest.

Really look after yourself now and good luck with the birth.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 08:46:01

I know i am being silly about the baby. I'm sure it's fine. He said to me to stop getting upset and we'd just concentrate on the baby. But i need warmth and reassurance. I feel him cold and stiffened against me. i feel so stupid. I should have just accepted it the way it was and now everything is ruined. He will never love me properly again and always remember me threatening to leave him with the baby. He wont see i said those things to make him see how serious i am, not that this was my agenda all along. i can't believe he would think that of me.

This is not a nice man. He is a pathetic wimp, stubborn and blighted, and using emotional blackmail.

To not fix something because it is " a part of him that you should love" is idiotic.

Maybe he likes the stink of piss? He also sounds like a nob head for not trying to minimize the effects this part of him has on you.

takeitaway Sat 01-Sep-12 08:51:25

You poor thing, what a crappy big mountain he's made out of what should have been a molehill.

Try not to worry about the baby, they often slow down just before the birth, which at 40+3 must be very imminent.

Thought this comment was particularly pertinent: "He says he can't bear the thought of looking down and seeing something different - this is part of him and he doesn't want to change it."

Has he not noticed quite how much you've changed over the past nine months? Because you love him and wanted to have a child with him, you have put up with all kinds of changes to your body, with many more to come when you give birth and if you breastfeed.

Please just try to focus on the wonderful thing that's about to happen to you, and ask him to do the same.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 08:58:02

the changes to my body are happening naturally rather than with surgery and also he see's it as for the baby not for him.

He will be fine with me now and pretend nothing is happening, it is me who will find it hard, as i need to feel comfortable with him and hate the thought of elephants in the room and something being wrong between us.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 08:58:44

i told him he was my soul mate and he said he wasn't as i had said i was thinking of leaving sad my heart is breaking

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 09:09:29

Don't convince yourself it will all be horrible and wrong forever. Things are changing massively for you right now and it is a big upheaval. If he is not helping you need to cut him loose just for right now you need to have blinkers on. You cannot afford to take on the burden of pretending everything is fine when it is not. It will never be more important than right now that you go with how you are feeling and prioritise your feelings above anything else because being stressed out does make labour and delivery harder. It is about your health and safety and reducing your stress just now, forget him, forget your relationship right now. What will you need for your labour?

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 09:10:49

And FWIW he doesn't get to tell you how you feel about him.

He is being a total baby about things.

Flisspaps Sat 01-Sep-12 09:14:31

takeitaway babies do not slow down or move less in late pregnancy. OP, if you've any concerns about your baby's movements please call the MW and ask to be monitored.

BTW are his parents still alive?. Having an all encompassing doting mother (abusive and highly strung) and an aloof father in his childhood really screwed him up.

FWIW I don;t think he will do anything about his penile problem, he expects you to put up and shut up. He would rather not go against his mother because he feels subconsciously that mother knows best.

However, all that for the time being is not important.

What is important now is you and your unborn child. Please seek medical advice asap.

takeitaway Sat 01-Sep-12 09:27:17

Fliss, I wasn't trying to minimise, just speaking from experience (have had four babies, all of which slowed down immediately before the birth).

This is from a birthing website:

Fetal Movement

As you get close to labor, you may feel a decrease in your baby’s movement. As the baby engages down into the pelvis, there is less room to move around. Babies tend to settle down a lot when labor is about to begin. Don’t mistake this for baby not moving at all. If you don’t feel your baby moving at all, you should definitely call your care provider. If you notice less fetal movement, along with some of the other early labor signs, you might just be in business!

The OP has said that she has felt less movement, which I was trying to reassure her is not unusual. Of course, as several other posters have said, if she is unduly concerned she should contact her MW.

MountainsMove Sat 01-Sep-12 09:53:22

He's managed to completely divert attention away from the issue at hand to the way he views you as having behaved sad. He's taken the power back. When he said there's a huge ? over the future of your relationship the answer is "Yes, the future of our relationship is in your hands, because I can't live with this problem any more."

Did you go into your health concerns about it all, your recent posts just mention not wanting an unfulfilling sex life? Either way he's lashed out instead of really addressing it, by the sound of it.

I do sort of understand where he's coming from, btw, i have my own phobias and it's horrible when you feel pushed into facing them. He will be feeling terrified, honestly, he'll have been desperately trying to box it all away (& probably hoping the doctor visit will have shut you up).
But he's now being a right arse about it turning it all into your fault & your problem. sad

I think if it were me I would agree to put everything on hold (sex will be anyway) while you have this baby and get used to being a new mum & dad, a crazy time is ahead for you both. Then when the dust has settled (well, to the extent it ever does with a babywink) perhaps when you would naturally be trying to resume a sex life, you can address it again. Maybe going to him for a cuddle and saying "Look, I realise this was really bad timing and for that I'm sorry, let's focus on getting 'us' back (minus sex life) and on having this baby, and then we'll talk about it all later." Spend some time together doing whatever you normally do (watch film, meal etc), chill out while you still can. D'you think that's possible?

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 10:10:04

atilla PILs are still alive and made everything worse by sending yet another dreadful email yesterday, which is what brought this all out last night.

fliss & atilla i am laying down now and had some breakfast and baby is having a little wriggle so i feel reassured in that sense.

I totally agree mountain he has shifted it from me saying i might leave to him saying he might end it - as if it matters. It has wrong footed me. He said that threatening to leave is unforgivable. But i said it sadly is my only way of making him see, i pointed out i have been trying other things for years but he shuts every avenue down. I want to talk and he refuses to etc, leaving me no option but to use the only thing which i have left. He has forced me to go nuclear, this is the result of him successfully using all other tactics.

I did speak about health concerns, he says they are not big enough to worry about, ie statistically speaking why not stop drinking coffee or driving the car. Sadly the doctor has had to back that up because it is true. Therefore the only other issue is sex/hygiene, which he thinks is selfish and not really a problem.

So what do i do?

We are communicating fine atm. he has told me he loves me, but i can see and feel he is robotically saying it. I suppose we will just get thru what we can and then see what's left in a couple of months.

We have said we will go for a walk in the forest later. I am hoping the birth will reconnect us. If not it is going to feel horrible.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 10:17:52

Please don't use the birth as an experiment to reconnect. It may work that way, it may not, if it doesn't then I really think it will make things worse than they have to be for you and the baby in labour. You just don't need to be worrying about him right now. If you are it is not necessarily because he is bad or you are or the whole relationship is going wrong. What is important is can he commit to being the support you need right now so you can have this baby happily. I would use the walk to find out. If he can't put things to one side and really be there for you or if you feel uncomfortable about how things are with him at least think about getting a doula for your support and his in labour or so you can manage without him there.

He has said threatening to leave is unforgivable. That is fairly irrelevant since if you actually left you wouldn't need forgiving. You could do with deciding whether you really mean that you cannot continue in the relationship if he does nothing or if you are going to continue if he does nothing you were just trying to get him to see how you felt about it. I can't help thinking now is not the time to be going over this stuff though.

It is just one thing that is important. Can you both put you and your feelings and stress first right now so that you can have the baby?

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 10:25:42

Yes offred i see what you are saying, i meant reconnect enough to feel comfortable during labour rather than fix anything after - sorry that sounds confused i know.

He is now fitting the car seat ad bustling around getting things ready and told me to lay down and asked if i need anything. So i think he will be fine to put this to one side and support me, he really is good at closing off feelings and compartmentalising! Sadly I am not! So it is me i have to have a stiff talking to really.

I suppose my panic is i literally have no one and nothing else - it's a game of chicken and i have more to lose. Never a good place to be in a relationship.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 10:32:25

No, it is such bad timing sad but not uncommon for things to come to a head in this way around a birth. If he can support you properly can you put things to one side and accept/feel comfortable with his support? I am the idiot who tried to make things ok in labour for stupid (very abusive, not saying yours is but still) xp and ended up with a loooong labour!

Tbh I can't help thinking that a lot of the desperation over this may be down to imminent labour and that is not to say I think the problems are not very important as well (because they are) but you are going to meet your little one soon, it is a huge experience crammed with all kinds of emotions and you probably want to know he will really be there for you.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 10:35:48

If you don't feel you can there are ways round it, it would just be another preparation for birth. You could ask him not to be there, you could see about a birth support to put something between you or you could try to separate in your mind from him.

Thistledew Sat 01-Sep-12 10:38:43

He is right to say that his problem is a part of him, but only in the same way as someone with severe halitosis, or untreated diabetes, or a severe in growing toenail that makes it too painful to walk about and lead an active life.

They are all medical issues in that they can be remedied. They are all problems in that they effect the quality of life that you have with him. You have not asked him to do this on a whim, or to spite him, but because you know it will improve your life together with him. You have done nothing wrong by asking him to address this issue, just as you would have done nothing wrong by asking him to stop drinking if he was an alcoholic.

He says it is unforgivable that you have threatened to leave. Yet he is asking you to forgive him for not properly taking on your concerns and for neglecting to remedy a health problem that is effecting your quality of life. Don't let him put all of this on you. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 10:49:22

Offred - part of this is wrapped up with our family situations. His parents make it so much worse. They are constantly causing upset which means anything else, work, illness etc just seems to feel like it's the end of the world. We have so much to deal with; my parents are difficult and dad is an alcoholic, his parents are mad and spiteful, we have no friends, family or support, I am bipolar (altho 3 years since last episode, but i am worried about pnd and depression caused by stress), i was diagnosed as having early stages of MS a week after finding out i was pregnant, this penis issue, i have been trying to sell the marital property with a very strained relationship with exH, DP and i are supposed to be emigrating. And of course the new baby is coming.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 10:58:29

There is so so much going on in your life then sad

Really important for the birth blinkers I think. Xx

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 11:10:25

yes! i am actually looking forward to the pain to take my mind off everything else!

Thank you. You have been lovely. I don't know what i'd do without my imaginary friends smile

Shakey1500 Sat 01-Sep-12 11:16:05

I really feel for you OP, what shit timing for you.

A close relative experiences similar in that her partner needs a circumscision. Their sex life is shit, there are only certain positions he can maintain and he can't "finish" without masturbating himself. All has an impact on her enjoying a healthy sex life. He also steadfastly refuses to accept there is a problem and will not agree to going to the GP. She thinks part of it is that he's terrified of doctors/hospitals/operations etc so is sticking his head in the sand (he would come second in your ostrich competition). He's also a very private person.

You are absolutley justified in what you have tried to do. Him putting the onus on you for how things are is utterly appalling of him sad especially at this hormone laden time. Please try and relax during this important time. If needs be, put what you can on the back burner, in order to concentrate on your pregnancy and address it again, in what ever way you see fit, once baby is born and things are less emotional/stressful for you. All the very best

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 11:24:39

Having a nice walk might be just what you need, getting a bit of fresh air and that. I wish you well! I don't mind labour actually even though I generally have long ones, other than ds who was my first long one with xp I had a great homebirth (singlemum) which was 12 hours and a great twin birth that was 10 hours most recently. The pain I feel is manageable because it builds up but also is actually a good thing in terms of psychological acceptance of the enormity of what has just happened to you! <goo-eyed baby thoughts>

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 11:29:40

Thanks for the advice - just off to the forest now.

I feel i can tackle anything after failing my driving test last week ;)

I don't mind the physical pain. It's anything emotional which i struggle with.

Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 11:34:01

Oh no! I failed mine last year! I freaked out and the examiner had to take control of the car! My instructor has, genuinely no lie, given up teaching because he had a heart attack confused blush

Heleninahandcart Sat 01-Sep-12 12:34:09

Ocky he is behaving very badly indeed. You are about to give birth, this is the time when he should really be there for you and instead he has chosen now to twist this around to blame you. Nasty. He is not even acting like your best friend, certainly not a loving supportive partner. How dare he do this now.

Definitely time for those birth/baby blinkers, maybe you could line up an alternative back up birth partner? I know you say you do not have close friends around but sometimes it is the kindness of strangers that comes through. No doubt he would bleat that this will push him out further but he is doing that by withdrawing his support.

Good luck with your birth, I have no doubt that in a few days you will be enjoying your lovely newborn. We are all here sending virtual, ahem hugs x

Badjudgeofcharacter Sat 01-Sep-12 12:40:05

Best of luck with the baby.

ErikNorseman Sat 01-Sep-12 13:01:48

Goodness me he's quite pathetic isn't he sad he really needs to man up and stop being so squeamish
You know what concerns me? Even if his penis got fixed, his attitude to sex in general is unhealthy. He doesn't want to pleasure you properly, he doesn't want to get involved. Good sex is messy and impulsive and a bit animalistic. Whether or not his penis is fixed won't change his essential aversion to healthy, messy sex.

dondon33 Sat 01-Sep-12 13:26:46

So sorry your situation hasn't improved Ocky, You've done nothing wrong in attempt to get your Dp to get help, both for himself and for the benefit of your relationship. Just because you knew about it at the start doesn't mean you have to ignore/accept it forever.
If for e.g.... my Dp was a tooth grinder when I met him, yeah I would have accepted it dig in the ribs to stop him but I'm 100% sure, at some point, I would get pissed off with it and worry about the damage he was doing to his teeth and also be concerned about MY own health..interrupted sleep etc... I'd expect him to get to the bloody dentist and sort it.

Obviously none of us know exactly what was said between him and his GP but I don't believe that the GP (from what you told him already) would have said it's fine to leave it and it's not a health risk. I really don't know where you can go from here Ocky, it seems he's made up his mind and that is definitely that sad

I hope your baby makes an appearance soon and I hope that he gives you the support that you need during the birth.
As others have said, if you're not happy with your baby's movements then go to the labour ward and let them monitor you for a few hours. I don't know if this is still the advice given, it's 13 years since I was last pregnant, they used to tell you- towards the end, if you didn't feel 20 movements daily from your baby then get checked out.

Good luck with birth and please come back and let us know about the baby xxxx

dondon33 Sat 01-Sep-12 13:27:38

in attempting that should have said.

bunnywhack Sat 01-Sep-12 13:49:41

I have only just seen this thread and have to admit i haven't read all of it. I can say I have given birth twice on my own dp who was there at first dc birth had to look after dc as we had noone else near us. It isn't as bad as you would imagine I prefered it the mw's stay in the room with you more and you can go deep concentrating on the birthing without anyone trying to bring you back up to the surface/reality IYSWIM. So you don't have to have him there if you are not comfortable if he whiffs of wee anyway it is really going to honk in the small hot room and can't find anyone else. Leave all other problems till after babies born it does change you so much and in that new baby fug he might decide to get it done people do start worrying about health more when they have a little life to be there for. Good luck with the birth hoow long do you have left now?

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 17:36:26

Thanks all. We had a nice walk (with some uphills to try and get the baby moving) then went for a pub lunch and we've both had a snooze. We seem to be okay.


Offred Sat 01-Sep-12 17:51:56

smile glad you have had a more restful day.

But honestly, is this relationship worth the hassle?

You have bad sex - caused by his problem, that he is not willing to fix, or even talk about.

He stinks of piss

He pisses around the toilet and leave it for you to wipe up

He throws a tantrum if you try to discuss your issues.

Not only that:

His parents are toxic, and will most likely be a bigger concern when the baby comes. How does he deal with his parents?

Do you have a battle on your hands with his folks?

If he is unable to address issues you have together, how are you going to efficiently parent together???

Final question: Does he bring anything positive to your life?

Personally, I'd rather be single.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 21:46:05

In answer to your questions the answers are:
Yes, of course i think so otherwise i wouldn't bother or be posting. Altho we aren't married i consider us such and this is something worth working for - for better or worse.

The sex would be better if this was fixed (we are quite compatible in our drives and tastes and altho the oral and kissing thing is an issue i'm not massively into it - just a little more often would be nicer) it is the penetration and oral on him i miss the most.

He does not 'stink' of piss. I have said he does when he doesn't pay attention to hygiene, but, he has been really on top of that recently so it isn't a massive issue - only if his gym shorts aren't washed immediately.

I refuse to clean up his piss now so he has stopped that.

His parents are horrible and i feel sorry for him - that's not his fault and my parents are pretty difficult too, so i would never leave someone because their family send them nasty emails! How he deals with his parents is up to him - i do not get involved at all. I have no battle with them and i haven't seen them in over 2 years. They will not be seeing the baby.

We agree on most things so i have no worry about parenting together.

Yes, i have never felt so happy in my life as i have with him. Yes this issue is a problem, but the laughter, love and affection we have is worth it. And now we have a baby. I have been married before and nothing felt as good as this, which is why i just want to make it better not walk away.

I think it is hard to get across the nuance of relationships and easy to just judge on black and white. Also a lot is posted when tired or upset so things which can seem throw away to me can resonate here, perhaps more than they should. Like focussing on him 'stinking'.

And finally, my question is how can i fix this? not a would you rather be single or not? straw poll. If you think i can't fix it fine, i am grateful for your opinion. But if there wasn't something positive in this, then i would be bonkers to stay just rather then not be single.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 01-Sep-12 22:53:03

I've just read the entire thread. OP my heart goes out to you. I really don't know what to say. I think that you need to totally go with your gut on this. As much as you love him, you need to think about yourself and your baby. Can you really spend the rest of your life with someone so unbending? My DP is incredibly stubborn, and it can be incredibly draining, but this is a whole new level. Your DP obviously has serious emotional issues. He's looking to you to give him everything that he never had, without him having to face up to any of those issues. Like I said, go with your gut.

expatinscotland Sat 01-Sep-12 22:57:15

You can't fix this because he won't and involves your body.

I'd never have become involved with someone like this but since you have, and you asked for a straw poll, yes, I'd rather be single.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 01-Sep-12 23:05:26

Ok, you posted the last post whilst I was writing.
I think to fix this, you need to pull out all the stops. You e tried the gentle approach and got nowhere. I think you are right to threaten to leave, and if he doesn't get help, then IMO you should leave. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it is a serious part of a relationship. You sound frustrated, and unhappy, and he is exposing you to infection. Things like HPV can be transmitted even whilst wearing a condom, and can thrive in the warm moist environment of the foreskin. For me, this would be a deal breaker.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 23:21:06

Sorry expat i most certainly do NOT want a straw poll about whether you would rather be single! I most certainly have NOT asked that question.

I just asked originally if people could help with points to convince him or what the benefits would be if anyone had any experience of the same thing.

And as other posters have said I am very close to having my baby so i am not going to focus on this anymore and concentrate on having my baby.

He went for a long walk this evening and came back very positive about doing whatever it takes for us to be happy. He has said he most certainly isn't going to 'throw us away'.

However, we will see how that manifests itself. I am not going to continue arguing with him over it. I have said my piece and he knows where i stand. I will be leaving if it isn't fixed.

Anyway, we are concentrating on the baby now. So thank you for all your advice. smile

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 01-Sep-12 23:25:00

Good luck OP. x

expatinscotland Sat 01-Sep-12 23:30:41

Okay. Well, you asked if people thought you could fix this. No. He has to want to.

It's obviously not a dealbreaker for you or you would have dumped this guy the first time he took his wreck of a cock out and you had what sounds like a really shite excuse for sexx.

But again, that's your lookout.

ockytockyonga Sat 01-Sep-12 23:50:56

good grief, what a horrible thing to post to someone on a relationship support board, when they are clearly upset and due to have a baby (along with all the other issues mentioned above). This is not AIBU btw.

expatinscotland Sun 02-Sep-12 00:06:34

This is an open forum on an open board. My post does not violate guidelines nor is the Relationship board set up to tell you what you want to hear and if not then it's not 'support'.

Again, it's your life. Best of luck with it.

Bluefrogs Sun 02-Sep-12 00:27:04

ockyplease stop trying to fix this problem now,you need to be relaxing and preparing for the baby to come.
Easier said than done im sure but forget about everything and think about YOU!
The next post I want to read is that you are happy at home with a beautiful baby-the problem can be sorted later,you can't do anything for him now and he shouldn't be even letting you think about it now.
Good luck my love,I am wishing so much luck you wouldn't beleive it x

ockytockyonga Sun 02-Sep-12 13:28:44

expat this is not about 'what i want to hear'. Personally a lot of things are not what i WANT to hear - i'd rather not have this issue at all - but can still be supportive. But, whether it's what i 'want' to hear or not, I fail to see how terms like 'wreck of a cock' or 'shite excuse for sexx' can be interpreted as supportive or even remotely helpful in anyway. They are just nasty spiteful things to say to a vulnerable person who is genuinely discussing a problem.

bluefrogs your post is really lovely, thank you.

Still no sign of the baby tho! I've been walking, hoovering and scrubbing the bathroom but still no sign. We are going to attempt our 'shite excuse for sexx' later to see if that does anything. smile

Thanks again everyone.

Offred Sun 02-Sep-12 13:34:35

Do you know what did it for me with the twins? A laugh and a joke and a dance around my living room! grin don't wear yourself out nesting!

dondon33 Sun 02-Sep-12 14:18:42

Good luck getting the prostaglandin's working ;) although you may need buckets of the stuff

Apparently, lots of nipple stimulation also works, I haven't tried this myself, the very thought of tweaking my very huge, very pregnant nips makes me confused and angry smile

Crawling around on all fours put me in labour with my second - something to do with the position of baby on the cervix.

Good luck, I hope LO doesn't keep you waiting too much longer xxx

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Sep-12 15:03:00

"I said i was so worried about us and he coldly said "MY" behaviour has now put a massive question mark over the future of our relationship, and while he loves me the fact on the eve of our first baby i have done this has changed his feelings for me."

Is ALL about control. He has upped the stakes to get you to get back in line.

Good luck Ocky, it all sounds a nightmare. Please do NOT give him your money.

ockytockyonga Sun 02-Sep-12 15:28:27

Thanks for the tips. I am going to try the all fours thing and clean the bathroom floor on my hands and knees.

DP has been doing the nipple stimulation with his beard (sorry tmi!) but i read it should be for 2 hours shock . So not sure either of us would have the inclination for that!!

abitwobbly thanks for your concern i really appreciate it smile . I do agree, if the status quo changes he can up the stakes, so turning it round to make it seem like it is his decision to end the relationship, when i was the one who originally gave him the ultimatum is just another of those tactics - i can see thru it tho and now i have steadied myself am back to not giving in. Altho the prospect of being a single mum is terrifying, i am not backing down (all his techniques are from his parents playbook of manipulation, i honestly think it is his defense mechanism tho, rather than cold hard manipulation like they do it - they really are vile).

Also i will not be giving him any money. There is no way he'd take it. He has loads of his own, my paltry amount of 5k wouldn't even register i don't think.

ErikNorseman Sun 02-Sep-12 15:39:43

Nipple stimulation has to be hardcore twiddling to have any effect, not beard tickling!

ockytockyonga Sun 02-Sep-12 15:44:04

Ha! erik oh dear, is it wrong to not tell DP and let him carry on? I'm really enjoying it!

ErikNorseman Sun 02-Sep-12 15:51:17

Hahaha well it's probably getting you all full of oxytocin and stuff.

ockytockyonga Sun 02-Sep-12 15:56:54

It's one of my favourite things, i think i could probably forsake everything else in favour of some beard nipple tickling - i am going to miss it when i'm bfing sad

dondon33 Tue 04-Sep-12 10:27:29

Any news about the baby Ocky?

ockytockyonga Tue 04-Sep-12 11:14:30

Sadly no! I was up with some 'early' signs last night but nothing now. A week late sad

We had a surprisingly good shag (sorry tmi) on Sunday. With lots of oral/nipple stimulation etc - so maybe what i have said has resonated somewhere, but i will hold off celebrating as i know it is easy to make an effort in the short term and then slip back (i've done it myself).

Also, cleaning, walking and crawling, curry tonight i reckon. Perhaps the baby is just like it's dad - stubborn and comfortable and reluctant to change smile

We are going for a long walk in the forest which has a tree top walk up lots of steps today then home for another shag so i am hoping to get the little beasty out today.

Thanks for asking and caring smile

dondon33 Tue 04-Sep-12 14:04:11

Aww no Ocky, I'll bet its a boy causing trouble before it's even here smile but at least the end is very near, another week max.
Every day feels like a week, doesn't it? The longest I've ever went over and then got induced was 40+5 but that was only for medical reasons, I can't imagine what it must feel like to go the whole 14 days over.

Hope you enjoy your walk and that gravity does it's best for you, failing that I hope your shag works ;) I'll keep my fingers crossed xx

ockytockyonga Thu 06-Sep-12 12:43:56

still no baby sad

8 days overdue <wails>

Offred Thu 06-Sep-12 12:56:56

Oh no! 8 days!!!

Callmecordelia Thu 06-Sep-12 13:08:23

The final straw for my waters was putting on my wellies to go for a walk in a stupidly isolated place.

Good luck with everything OP.

Spuddybean Thu 06-Sep-12 13:14:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ockytockyonga Thu 06-Sep-12 13:17:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dondon33 Sun 16-Sep-12 10:59:46

Hi Ocky,
How's it going? surely LO must be here by now smile

ockytockyonga Thu 11-Oct-12 17:32:43


Sorry it has taken me so long to update you, especially after you were all so thoughtful and kind to me.

SO, baby was 14 days late. I had to be induced. Had a 3 day labour culminating in forceps, but the babies shoulders were twisted in my pelvis. I was cut but also had bad rectal tearing. The whole thing was very traumatic. We thought the baby was dead as he was pulled out limp and grey. We had the crash team there. There was a lot of screaming (from me mainly i think!). The baby was fine though. A gorgeous 9lb boy. I had to go to surgery after and poor DP was left holding the baby as i was wheeled away.

He was sobbing. He said it was the bravest thing he had seen anybody do. He totally broke down.

Anyway, I was in hospital for a while and the day after the birth out of the blue (it was the furthest thing from my mind) DP said he would be circumcised. He apologised for making out it was such a big deal and said after what i had been through he felt a bit petty now. smile

That was 4 weeks ago and he hasn't reneged. He is still sure he wants it done.

I still don't think he understands that most people aren't circumcised though, and the reason their penises look different are because they can pull back their foreskin NOT because they were circumcised. He asked when DS was going to be circumcised, and i said he wasn't, he looked confused and said 'but then he'll have a penis like mine and wont be able to pull the skin back' <sigh> so i had to explain it all over again.

scarletforya Thu 11-Oct-12 17:38:50

Oh my God, your birth sounds so difficult. But many, many congratulations on your new baby!

I'm glad your husband has finally seen sense. I hope he doesn't change his mind.

Enjoy your new baby! grin

ratbagcatbag Thu 11-Oct-12 17:40:08

my DH was circumcised before he was with me, but done as an adult, he said it wasn't that bad and the relief once he'd had it done was amazing and to be fair he had nowhere near the level of discomfort your DP is having.

GiserableMitt Thu 11-Oct-12 17:43:28

Congratulations on your baby, and the best of luck for the future smile

countingto10 Thu 11-Oct-12 17:51:11

Congratulations Ocky, you certainly went through it! Am rather grateful for my c sections!

His circumcision will be nothing compared to what you have been through (although DH did walk around with a sheet wrapped round himself for a week as he couldn't bear anything touching it grin).

Enjoy your little one and (hopefully in the not too distant future) new, fulfilling sex life!

ockytockyonga Thu 11-Oct-12 18:04:42

Thanks smile

Doctors say next baby will have to be c-section. DP is relieved as he says he can't go through it again...HE CAN'T?! I know i bloody can't either smile

Donkeysdontridebicycles Thu 11-Oct-12 18:15:37

Delurking to send congratulations on your DS thanks hope you are healing okay and your DH keeps his word.

Heleninahandcart Thu 11-Oct-12 18:34:17

Congratulations Ocky, fantastic news about your lovely DS. Enjoy him thanks

MushroomSoup Thu 11-Oct-12 19:51:37

Fabulous news all round! I hope you heal well and quickly x

ErikNorseman Thu 11-Oct-12 19:53:21

Bloody hell!
Congratulations, I'm sorry to hear it was so traumatic. And wonderful news on the penis front grin

Oldandcobwebby Thu 11-Oct-12 20:07:17

I solved a similar but less severe problem with stretching and steroid creams. If he is unable to keep himself clean properly, I would beg him to see a doctor and get himself sorted. I know it will be embarrassing, but far better than possibly contracting penile cancer like my friend's dad did. Why suffer a painful sex life? Why let your partner suffer and worry? PLEASE talk to a doctor - in a couple of weeks, life could be so much better.

I think you maybe need to read the thread cobwebby wink

So glad to hear the good news ocky and I hope you're recovering well grin

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 21:09:55

Ocky! What an experience! Congratulations! smileI hope you are being taken care of! Glad things seem to be working out well all round in the end but what trauma to get there though! sad

dondon33 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:39:33

Oh Ocky I've been waiting for your update,
Sorry the birth was so horrific, sounds so scary shock I feel so lucky when I hear about births like yours, I've had whoppers relatively easy although what does that say about my fanjo ha ha
but big huge congrats to you xxx

Fab news about your DP, really hope everything works out for you thanks & wine

Funnylittleturkishdelight Thu 11-Oct-12 21:43:13

Great news Ocky! Good luck!

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 13-Oct-12 16:10:57


tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 14-Oct-12 21:33:02

Congratulations on your baby. I've read this thread and I think I remember you from another one where you were unhappy with your sex life. Apologies if that wasn't actually your thread, but if it was, it seemed obvious that the big problem was physical for your dp and I'm really glad he is going to have the operation.

I think you've been very patient and you obviously love him very much. He's a lucky man.

Hope that love life will improve for you after the op (though sex is probably the last thing on your mind right now!) and wish you and your family a happy future x

Arithmeticulous Sun 14-Oct-12 22:18:00

But has he been to the GP for a referral yet?

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 10:44:28

Ocky I have been thinking and thinking of you!

Now this is what makes me furious about the NHS. You were CLEARLY well overdue, the scan measurements would have shown CLEARLY what a big baby he was for a first birth, they should have done a C-section in the beginning.

All that permanent physical damage and emotional trauma for you both, a highly distressed baby, for what? 1. Cost considerations, 2. over-powerful midwives. 3. ideology prevailing over realities on the ground.

Childbirth is far too politicised in the NHS and midwives have far too much say over the medical team.

[takes wooden spoon, stirs]

But how wonderful for your other good news. Lovely baby boy, and a big concession. He will be so much happier when it is done.

whatthewhatthebleep Mon 15-Oct-12 11:12:05

there could be all sorts getting trapped in the space between the foreskin and his penis. The natural lubricants and sweat glands will be producing excretions and these will be stuck inside if he can't retract the foreskin to clean the area.

This is a major problem and he must see someone about it. He will have pain and it could be due to this alone, especially as you say even your tongue can cause pain at the end/tip area

Pee being trapped too...this is so worrying and I'm surprised he hasn't had infections before now due to the trapped excretions and pee getting trapped like this.

From a health point of view...he really must see someone about this. Embarrassment is just so silly to justify not doing this for himself and his health.

There was a section about this very issue on that programme about our bodies....a young guy with the same sort of was dealt with and sorted and the guy was delighted at the should have seen the 'stuff'..yuk.... that was stuck in there when he first went to see about it.
I'd be thinking that if pee is getting trapped in there, then other things must be too....smeggy, cheesy yuk and that isn't going to shift by itself either....
Your DH needs to realise this is a very easily treated condition and dangerous to his health to be ignoring like this...really

Offred Mon 15-Oct-12 12:07:17

Wobbly that is an awful thing to say and actually just incorrect. You know nothing at all about what happened with ocky's birth or pregnancy and it simply is not true that they must have known and deliberately mishandled the birth because of trying to reduce c-sections! How is that meant to help ocky feel better? You have no idea what went on and even if some of your assumptions about agendas were true it actually isn't true that they must have known the baby was too big, that it couldn't fit or even that that was actually the problem rather than the induction! Just wow!

whatthewhatthebleep Mon 15-Oct-12 13:00:08

So post missed quite a lot of things...I was way off with my post...think MN didn't show me all pages properly so I was way behind in your story

Lovely news of your little boy...poor you for such a traumatic time of things though...I think wobbly has a point in that post though....seems there were many sign posts before you were lead into this situation happening to you????

Great news ref DH...hope he gets his appointment for this things on the horizon...great news all round grin

Hope you are feeling like your recovering now and starting to feel the enjoyment of your new motherhood journey....x

MyDonkeysAZombie Mon 15-Oct-12 13:04:35

I'm not a midwife but good grief time and a place to rant?

Abitwobblynow Thu 18-Oct-12 09:33:30

Ocky if I have upset you I really apologise, let me know and I will pull my post.

The irony is I do postnatal support for NCT - it might shock people that I am good at it: new mothers come from outside my area to be reassured and soothed. So I will talk happily to you about traumatic births if you would like.

Hope your site is healing. Who did the repairs: a registrar? How long did you stay in hospital for?

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