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Found husband's receipt for Condoms(67 Posts)
Me and dh have been married 13 yrs., with 2 beautiful daughters. Though we've had ups n downs, we got thru it all. I thought we had a great sex life too; (sex about once a week). Well, about 3 weeks ago, I was cleaning off his dresser, and found a recent receipt for Lifestyles condoms. And another item I can't identify on the receipt. (drvn. 3.25 oz.). Well, the condoms WE use are from the drawer, with a 2011 expiration date. In fact, he'll always put 2 condoms near the bed, and it's ALWAYS the 2011 ones. I keep waiting for him to bring out the new ones he bought, but he hasn't. I decided a few days ago to throw out the 2011, so the next time I'll know for sure. I'm not saying anything yet, but of course my mind is racing. He works at the railroad in the tower, overseeing the yard workers, 3 nights a week. Now, there are mainly men working there. About 2 wks. ago, they ordered a new chair to replace his old one. Well, he took a video of someone throwing the old chair over the tower. Very short video. I found it odd that the video didn't show a face, just arms...and the person didn't say a word back to my husband when he laughed on video. So one night, I played the video frame by frame. The arms are small, with delicate hands, and even though it's a little blurry, I can see a glow of pink paint around the fingernails. When I laughed about the video to him, he said Yeah, the guy didn't want to carry the chair back down so just threw it over. He ALWAYS calls his coworkers by name. About 2 mo. ago, we got into an argument because when he took this shift he stopped calling me or texting me from work. Now he sends me a hello every night, but it was not until I said something. His texts are always aloof though. So last Friday, I sent a text telling him I loved him, and hinted around about sex on Monday night. His answer? Ok...goodnight. I said Wow...no I love you?? Nothing about Monday? I was upset. He then says Yeah Yeah, Monday night, goodnight, I love you. I'm kinda busy right now. Fast forward to the very next day.....He tells me a worker laid off, and he has to work Monday night!!!! wtf?! I acted cool and calm. I didn't want to let on like I know anything. One night, I heard a female dispatcher on the CB talking to him at work. And one night about 2 mo. ago, he got a hang up call on his cell from the dispatcher line at 3 am. Only thing is, I thought the dispatchers for the railroad worked the CB radios from out of Nebraska, unless they hired a new local dispatcher. At this point, I don't know what to think. Should I keep waiting to see if he brings out the new condoms? I've looked everywhere for them, and it's not like him to hide them. Another thing, he just recently started using condoms with me...in the past 2 mo. He always hated condoms and we used the withdrawal method for years, except for a handful of times...which is why the condoms we did have are expired from 2011. Any advice? Am I over thinking things, or could there really be something going on...possibly at work? Please advise.
I think instead of analysing freeze-frame shots of the video and torturing yourself over this, you need to confront him and put yourself out of your misery.
It's a horrible situation to be in, but you really must bring things to a head and not overthink.
It all sounds dodgy. The trouble with asking him outright is that he'll probably lie. If you're certain his new co worker is female then it's very odd that he hasn't mentioned it.
I think there is something going on here, but whether it is that he is cheating on you is too hard to tell.
I think its odd that he has just started using condoms with you, without a discussion to why. Isn't this something you'd talk about? But you give the impression you were not part of that decision?
Only way to find out is to ask where they are. Whether he's having an affair or not, by telling him you found the receipt, it gets it out in the open. Quite innocent questions - 'where are those condoms you bought?' and 'what's this drvn'?. You'll be able to judge from his reaction if he's lying or not
Why are you using condoms that expired in 2011?
I agree didnt you ask why he was using a condom if it wasnt something you normally did ?
The things that are usually advised are to scout round his phone/email and to trust your instincts. Did you look for anything else when you were playing the chair footage ?
Sorry this is awful to go through I know
Thanks everyone. Rainbow...the condoms were expired because we haven't used any...until recently, when he started to dig them back out again. Well, that's the first thing that began to make me suspicious.
I DID find out something tonight. I called the different buildings around the tower, where he works at the railroad. There IS a woman that I knew worked there, but she always worked in the yards, switching the trains. Well, lo and behold, I called the crew room, where trains are dispatched, and she actually answered the phone, stating her name!! I hung up...but then I pretty much knew who threw the chair out in that video. The fact he even lied about it being a guy in the video tells me he'll lie again, so I don't want to bring this up until the time is right. I just find it odd that he keeps these new condoms hid, and feels comfortable joking around on video with a female coworker. Btw, she is married too, but quit the yard switching, just to work the same shift my husband works, leaving her family to work the night shift. My husband went from working 1 night a week only, to 3 now, and everything seemed different after that. Thanks for all the advice, maybe it is time to confront him with all this. I've just always tried to trust him and never accuse, but this is all a red flag to me. Thanks again to all. Hugs.
You are in US I take it.
Don't confront until you have hard evidence - he will only deny. Start snooping - email, cell phone, facebook, pockets for receipts etc.
if dh all over a sudden starting using condoms with me. That would be enough to say hang on. Does he not know that expired ones will probably fail anyway.
Honestly though dh wouldn't get near me with a condom on without a good reason. Did he give you a reason he started using condoms?
gettingeasier...When all this came about, I pretty much thought if he's cheating, it's with someone at work, because he rarely uses his cell phone and let's me borrow it. I even installed find my iphone on his phone recently, and it never showed anything about him going anywhere odd when he's leaving home. But there IS a phone in his tower at work, but I had never called that line. After finding the receipt, I started calling the tower line, and a lot of times, that line is busy. Even around 4 am. At one point I heard the female dispatcher talking to him briefly. I never knew until I found out tonight it was the same woman that used to switch trains in the yard...now working as a dispatcher on the same night shift as my husband. So little by little, I find out a little more. See, his job is about 40 minutes away, and he knows I'm always home at night with our girls, and not checking up on him. I do know that around 3 am, most of the train crew leaves, if he sends them home. And around the tower is very deserted, it's not likely anyone would see anything. He is pretty much his own boss.
You are driving yourself crazy making up an entire back story on very little evidence. Rather than spying, you will have to ask about the condoms and judge the reaction. It isn't particularly accusatory or confrontational to ask your own husband where condoms are when you use them as a couple. If he overreacts as if you are accusing him of something, that's different.
No, no reason at all. But I guess it didn't really bother me until I found the receipt for NEW condoms, and kept waiting to see if he'd use those with us...and he didn't. After a 3 wk old receipt, I have looked and looked for them and can't find them. That's when I thought about his job. Then I looked closer at the video. I did read an article about if your dh suddenly starts using condoms or trying new things, it may indicate he's cheating...example, using condoms reminds him of when he's with the other person, and using condoms with them. Like I said, I didn't really say anything because I tried to be a trusting wife, and we never really argued much about anything. But this has just thrown me for a loop.
ty Cogito. I've always been able to discuss things with him, without arguing, so maybe you're right. True, my brain is working overtime right now, but I do need answers. I plan on asking him Monday night when he's off work.
Sounds strange every which way you look at it
Why start using condoms again?
Why take on more shifts?
Why buy new and not use?
I have to say I think there is a possible lack of communication between you. If my dh started using condoms I would just ask why straight away. If my dh started increasing his night shifts I would discuss at length. I understand you are being a trusting wife, but you are also a team.
How about requesting non-condom sex or something else that increases the intimacy levels (oral sex either way). That may get an interesting response if he is seeing/shagging someone else.
Plus (this is tmi) if you get near his penis after a shift you can check for the tell tale smell of latex?? Or has his hygiene routine got much more intense recently?
Or as an earlier post suggested- you could just ask him. The angrier his response, the more likely he is to be guilty.
(FFS... sniffing his cock?) If you normally talk without arguing, do that. Unless he's a gifted actor, you will know if he's lying because you've lived with the man for at least 13 years and you will know what he looks like when he's being shifty. I can think of innocent reasons for all your concerns tbh. Condoms because the withdrawal method is bloody risky. Extra shifts is to earn more cash. He calls a woman 'guy' because all genders can be lumped together as 'guys'. The condoms he bought are sitting in a pocket somewhere. 'OK Goodnight' means 'leave me alone, I'm at work'. A woman in a male-dominated workplace is not necessarily the office bike. OR he's spending the entire night shift shagging Little Miss Nail Polish.
What Cognito said!
But wtf at 'cocky sniffing '!!!
"Hi honey. Good time at work? Let me just sniff your cocky a sec!"
Before people advise asking, can I repost Slambags excellent summary of what happens then:
To summarise many many MN threads, the steps are ...
Faced with suspicions "of course I'm not having an affair. I love you."
Faced with evidence. "I'm not having an affair. Shut up."
Faced with incontrovertible proof. "I'm not having an affair. You're mad."
Faced with being kicked out. "Yes there is another OW but we haven't done anything. It's all emotional. I'm so confused"
Faced with not being allowed back home. "Actually, she's the love of my life and I never loved you."
Faced with divorce. "I'm madly in love with her. You are an evil bitch."
6 months to 2 years later. "I made a terrible mistake. I love you.Can I come back?"
lol Well I don't think I'd go that far. Usually he goes to bed after working, and I let him rest. He gets the same amount of salary, no matter what shift, so it's not that we need the money. We've used the withdrawal method for over 6 yrs. straight, until recently. It wasn't bothering me really, to use the expired condoms. It was just the fact he hid the new ones, and never brought them out. I've pretty much trusted him until this. Could be something or nothing, but it is something we do need to discuss.
Trust your instincts - these are telling you something.
Has he been distant at home? Does he spend a lot of time on the phone/in the bathroom etc? Is he protective of his cell phone? Does he keep finding faults with you? These are other red flags.
lol arthriticfingers...so true. My late grandmother was faced with all of that, and yet she still came out of it a stronger woman.
Is there any way you could get a trusted friend to babysit your kids and for you to go over to his workplace one night when you know both will be there on their own?
arthriticfingers, that is great and should head up the mn divorce section!
Just so true.
I can hardly think of a thread on here which didnt follow that pattern.
Not mine - although I wish I had the gift of such pithy precision.
Slambang please take a bow.
I, too think this ought to be a sticky.
maybe he didnt say they now had a woman at work (shock horror) because he knew you would flip and be totally OTT about it, like you seem to be
just a thought eh
i would hate to live with someone who would rather check up on me, and sneak around behind my back calling my work and freeze framing videos trying to catch me out, rather than speak to me like a partner and an adult
would hate it so much i wouldnt stick around for 13 years thats for sure, i would be running, running for the hills and probably taking my children away from such a controlling abusive situation
Please don't sniff his cock. Please.
Arthriticfingers, had a 6m-2yr text this morning saying that very thing, laden with a big dose of self-pity and implied threat. They are very predictable.
Lindalang, the only thing you can do, apart from turn up unexpectedly at work at 4am, is to talk to your DH about the condoms, increased night-shifts and the woman he spends his time with that he has neglected to mention.
Just to clarify madame0 you are calling the OP abusive and controlling?
MadameO, I take it you are new to these boards
and possibly a little green when it comes to real life.
As has been said, even when faced with the evidence, all but a handful of cheaters lie through their teeth rather than admit what they have been up to. So she could question him till the cows come home and get nowhere. You have made the mistake of thinking that she is dealing with a rational, caring human being, but once the decision to cheat has been made, i can tell you that this is far from the truth.
In order to get to the position where they can lie and disrespect the person they once loved enough to marry / have children with, the cheater minimises their partner's importance and dehumanises them. Hell, they even think less of the other person BECAUSE they are getting away with their liasons. So at this point she'd have more luck getting the truth out of an insurance salesman than the idiot she lives with.
Yes, sneaking about isn't great but sometimes it is necessary, rather than being told you are imagining things or that it's just because they have suddenly 'fallen out of love with you' - and tying yourself up in knots because you just know it's not all in your head and you've done nothing wrong.
Yes, do ignore MadameO.
I think MadameO has a point, if expressed a little badly. People do lie about innocent stuff if they fear an overreaction to the truth.
MadameO, I think we have to rely what the OP tells us - as what else have we to go on? - and assume that within her happy 13 yr marriage she has had no cause to distrust her dh and wasn't a snooping, jealous harpy. When you have a niggle that something is not right it is instinctive to then re-examine behaviour to see if any validity to suspicions or a way of cancelling them out, as you hate to think the worst of the person you love and often the means of discovering the truth limited. Yes, she should ask him outright, but as it's often been shown, those who are having affairs, lie about it. And sometimes it's the smallest lies that give them away. Let's hope it's not the case here.
Its not just one lie - its other things that are niggling OP. She does not come across as abusive or controlling at all.
I would also say trust your instincts. I think you may be right OP.
I have had a quick read through and it definitely sounds extremely dodgy. The advice I have been given in the past is if that something in the OHs routine changes ie not leaving their phone lying around when they always have done etc then it is often a sign there is something wrong (not always f course).
You could always ask him to pick up some new condoms for you both as you are concerned about the expiry date? Just see what he says before you confront him, that way at least you will know whether he is lying about that in the first instance.
You could always ask him to pick up some new condoms for you both as you are concerned about the expiry date? Just see what he says before you confront him, that way at least you will know whether he is lying about that in the first instance.
Could be good first move, this
Madabouthotchoc- Well, to answer your questions, when he started working at the railroad, he started staying in the bedroom in front of the tv, when he's home. He still does that. He barely comes out into the living room. That includes spending time as a family. If the girls wanna spend time with him, they have to walk to his room. No family vacations, no dates. I think our last date was my birthday in 2010. Yes, we had many talks about it all, nothing changed. He just told me he works so hard, when he's off he wants to relax. So I adapted to it, because after all, the communication was ok, the sex was great. I've done my part in being a good wife, and keeping my appearance up. But just maybe the distance is an affair at work. I never put it together until recently. Around 2 mo. ago, a woman followed me home. I turned right around and followed her back to her house, and got her tag number. I never mentioned it to him, but the next week, he goes and buys me a new iPhone. And the next week, he bought me a new minivan. It's like he was making something up to me. But since being followed and all this has come out, I'm seriously thinking of getting a private detective, if I can't get any answers.
And also....NO, I'm not a jealous, control freak. I let him have his space, we have hardly ever argued. I adapted to his distance, and we became closer in other areas. But I admit we are more like good friends with benefits, rather than a normal couple. I respected him, still do. Never accused him and wouldn't without proof, which is why I've been trying to analyze all of this first before saying anything to him about it.
Trust your instincts .. sounds like he is up to no good xx
If you don't want to accuse him without proof then I would definitely be inclined to go down the route of asking him to buy some 'in date' condoms for you both and see what he is. You need to be ready for his response mind you, its not always easy if it isn't what you want to hear.
I was thinking the same as Kirsty, trust your instincts. I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he is cheating
This is a sad situation. I feel you should try to gather more concrete evidence before tackling it. If you confront him I doubt he will come clean and then it willbe MUCH harder to find out.
Itdoes sound odd and I'm a great beliver of womens intuition. X
I love that you followed your follower! Clearly, I don't love that you're even in this head-fucking situation, but - well, go you!!
Get a PI if you can afford one - will answer your questions
I got some great advice here. I agree with you Madey- About getting more evidence, I worried about saying too much to him, just to watch him hide things better, if anything's going on.
I found out 2 more things tonight. Out of his own mouth, he started talking about last Monday night. The night he ended up working, after I brought up about us getting together that night. He told me that the guy he worked for blamed him, saying he went out and spent money buying a motorcycle. So he told my dh it was all HIS fault, that he ended up spending money, because he worked for him last Monday night. Now this, I don't get. If the guy had asked dh to work in his place, why would he joke around blaming dh for his frivolous purchase? Unless dh actually offered to work for him that night.
I also wanted to make sure this female coworker had the same hours as dh, so I called her line, way before dh got there. She never answered. But she DID answer, about 30 min. after dh got to work.
Good luck and keep us updated please op x
UPDATE: 1st of all, thank u all so much for the support, and advice. I really appreciate it. Well, dh has been off work since Monday, & acting strange. VERY happy, but not very chummy with me. In fact, it's been almost a month now since we had sex, of course, last week I tried to mention sex for Monday as you all know, he ended up working last Monday, then AF arrived. So I thought this week, maybe. Nope, not even a hint, which raises even more suspicions. Last night he was going to bed, & I asked...so, no sex drive this week? He goes, I dunno, and went on to bed. Even tried to gently come on to him, that didn't work. Yet he acts SO happy and nervous, which is unlike him. He still hadn't replaced the 2 expired condoms that I threw out, with the new ones. Maybe that's one reason for no sex...maybe those condoms he got are at work, and he's afraid I may ask him to bring one out. But GET THIS: While he was off, I decided to call the female co-workers line at night, just to see if she only worked the nights he does. My jaw dropped when a man answered, saying she was off. I found out she definitely has the same exact hours and days off as dh. Some more disturbing things I found out: I found her Facebook page, and saw where she was taking a week off from work, around June 1st. The date when he purchased the condoms, was May 24th, the day before he went back to work for 3 nights...AND this was also the last 3 nights she worked, before her days off, the following week. Which is also the same time he took the video of her, throwing the work chair over the tower, where he works. Another thing, is the last time we had sex, I wondered why he was so different, he even shaved off the beard he'd worn for so long (he knows I hate beards). He was just being so nice and more loving to me, than usual. Well, that was right about when the female coworker was off work!!!! And guess what...when she came back, he grew the beard back too, and is back being distant again. He has no idea yet, that I know. Not even about me knowing about the condoms. But I did try to tell him how I feel tonight, and how the job has taken so much time away from his family. I reminded him how we waited all day for him to get off work on Christmas, when he was late, and how he never has 1 date with me, not since 2010. I told him how sad it made me feel, how there's 1 week he wants sex, and the next week I don't exist. He seemed to get angry. I didn't accuse him, I just wanted to see how he'd react. He just told me in a hostile way that he's home 3 nights a week, and he's very busy at work. I left the room, sad of course, but didn't say anything else. But everything I'm finding out, is making me want to just go. I get sick now, when he's leaving for work. But what can I do? If he stays on this shift, when this woman works...I just don't know if I can tolerate living with it. He really used to be a good husband and father, until this job 6 years ago. And I wondered why he changed. Now I feel stupid for not seeing the light until now. Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. The past couple of days have been hard. Thank u all...
I feel for you. It's clear to me he is having an affair and it must be heartbreaking. I would just confrot him.
I meant the affair steps thing. Didn't realise more pages!
Hi Linda, sorry to hear that things are no better, if you've been going through 6 years of this, whether he is having an affair or not, it isn't a healthy relationship for you and you need to make some changes.
Choose happiness Linda, make decisions on how YOU can be happy again.
Oh and don't feel stupid, good people don't go around snooping and accusing every 5 minutes.... its totally understandable how you wouldn't know till now. You are not stupid, but he most certainly is.
Can you live without him? It's time to ring OW and say to her: 'if you can get him out of my house, you can have him'.
No more, no less. Just repeat 'please get him out of my house, and keep him'.
He is having an affair. I would confront now. Sorry for you x
You can't live like this - you will lose your sanity
Please do something.
It does sound suspicious OP. Trust your instincts and do try to gather more evidence.
The needing new condoms is a good way see if he will bring out these ones from the receipt....if he doesn't then you know they weren't bought to use with you.
* I just almost destroyed my laptop, spraying it with coffee after reading the cock sniffing comment LMFAO
I hate to say this but the signs of an affair are there. I strongly suspected he was in a security job even before you said so. (The hours/nights he worked, self-employment etc).
I used to run a security business with exP and the number of times I would change personnel around became stupid! I would have distraught wives on the phone begging me not to give so many extra/night shifts to hubby. Well, they weren't working!
Whilst I couldn't discuss an employee with anyone else (not even a wife/partner) I ran with the information because it often meant that the Security Officers were probably NOT doing their job - too busy chatting and connecting emotionally and/or having a quick 'shag'.
Do you have a contact number for his employer? You can have a confidential conversation with him/her if you feel up to it. They will do a 'spot check' on the site over several nights and at different times to make sure that the report forms are not just 'being filled in' without the protocols of security arrangements being carried out. If there IS an affair going on in work time then both your H and OW are not undertaking their security responsibilities.
I don't know what you want to do with your relationship, but if you want evidence then you happen to be in the best place to get it 'for free'.
Now, having said that, your H has to be SIA approved and if his employer finds out that he has not undertaken his designated duties, there is a possibility of him losing his SIA license.
I may be jumping the gun here as you don't have concrete proof but your gut instinct and a lot of circumstantial evidence all point to your suspicions sadly being on the money.
What do you want to happen Linda? You, unfortunately, can't make the situation go away and turn back time to when H was faithful. To make him what you want him to be is not in your power. Nor, I suspect, can you make H see the light, realise he's been a complete prick and fall at your knees begging forgiveness. Usually those involved in affairs are far too selfish to think of anyone else but themselves first, the affair partner 2nd and the wife and family a remote 3rd. And it does sound from what you say like H has disengaged from you to pursue the excitement of an affair. Reality descends when the affair is discovered, family and friends know and he's handing over a % of his salary in maintenance. Tends to take the gloss of the romance once there's no need to sneak around and it's all out in the open and people judge you for being a bit of a fuckwit. Doesn't mean they'll come to their senses though; they generally think they've stuffed up, it's too much effort to repair the damage and I'll console myself with the excitement of a new relationship..takes a while for them to realise what they've given up.
Just a suggestion, but to put things more in your control, how about finding out how you stand legally and financially if you were to split up, and then, if you choose to confront H, you are coming at it from a position of strength? As you can bet your boots H hasn't thought that far ahead.
I agree with reportme
So so sorry you are having to stare this in the face , you have more than enough evidence but it sounds like you are looking and looking for more things but still havent quite begun to accept what you are finding
I agree with the previous posters, ask him to get some more condoms that are in date
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