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Not an elephant in sight!

(994 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 12:35:53

Well this is my new thread, had my first counselling session today which was very difficult . The old thread is nearly full so thought I would start afresh . Don't know how to link so if anyone wants to add the old thread feel free.

midwife99 Fri 15-Jun-12 12:59:46

How did it go?

izzyizin Fri 15-Jun-12 13:08:40

Optimistic title but if you're not willing to follow the advice you've been given to stop playing silly buggers with your h, the ow, and Uncle Tom Cobley & Co, skye, you'll only need a mirror to reveal the new elephant in the room.

Here's the longest of your old threads: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1470233-sod-the-elephant-looks-like-its-really-over

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 13:12:06

It was really difficult. She was trying to get me to see things from his point of view which I found a but odd, she also said that I was rushing into divorce and that I should put it on hold, that he has just shut down for now but I said no, he is adamant he doesnt love me any more and that it's over and i can't keep going through this, that I'm taking back the control.

I told her about all the texting and emailing and the way they chatted and she said that they have connected on an intimate level in their heads. She said that my H could easily be infatuated and come crashing down to earth at some point.

She gave me some stuff to think about and shrubs going to go away and process everything and decide where we go next to address my behaviour and how I can deal with things going forward

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 13:12:33

She's not shrubs!! Lol

mistlethrush Fri 15-Jun-12 13:15:18

Oh dear, poor DH, isn't it awful that he's infatuated and might find out that he's chasing something that's not actually real!

<sarcasm off>

What on earth did she think that you should do? Wait around for him to come back to you with his tail between his legs? Then try to play happy families again until he does it again?

I'm glad it was helpful, Skye - keep on thinking, and yes, use it to gather strength to go forward.

KirstyWirsty Fri 15-Jun-12 13:18:08

Just marking my place here Skye - you sound like you are moving forward in a positive way smile

izzyizin Fri 15-Jun-12 13:23:22

decide where we go next to address my behaviour

What aspects of your behaviour need addressing?

Dozer Fri 15-Jun-12 13:34:24

Sorry it was stressful.

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 13:54:13

I think by my behaviour she means why he reacted to what I did or said, so I can stop blaming myself for everything or accept if I could have handled things differently.

I did think it a bit odd as I felt under attack because i said he walked out when I didn't want him to go to a football match, so she was saying how would that make him feel.... I said that my hair appointment had been booked for weeks and booked so that my H was there to take care if daughter. So of course I was annoyed that he was now not going to be around. But apparently I would have made him feel bad that I was stopping him doing something that I wanted to.. It's all about the fact that he said I was controlling but like she said it sounds like he needed someody to organise him but at some point he started to resent it.

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 14:54:17

I'm on a real downer again now, te counselling has brought everything to the front again and made me feel really sad that my H is gone , but even saying that i still dont feel that I want him back, which is good.

It's just reminded me how helpless I felt about him walking out and how confusing it is as to why etc.

I cried for about an hour solid I think! I feel drained and tired now.

sternface Fri 15-Jun-12 15:03:35

Sorry but I really don't like the sound of this counsellor, who sounds like she's of the handmaiden variety who thinks that if a man behaves badly, there's a woman to blame for it somewhere.

If you get any of this nonsense again I'd find someone else and quickly.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 15-Jun-12 15:04:00

Skye just be aware that couselling will bring all sorts of emotions to the surface and you might momentarily feel worse.

I guess from your above post you are wondering how much to blame were you with regards to the breakdown. Please don't beat yourself up over this, what's done is done now, hopefully your sessions will be less painful in the future.
Chin up, you are doing well in the circs.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 15-Jun-12 16:21:52

I would be a bit wary of this counsellor - esp if she made you feel under attack. Counselling is supposed to make you feel safe enough to open up.

Counsellors are supposed to provide a listening ear and ask gently probing questions to make you think. She shouldn't give opinions e.g saying that you are rushing into a divorce.

Where did you find her and are her qualifications?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 15-Jun-12 16:21:59

*what

tribpot Fri 15-Jun-12 16:27:27

I think challenging someone to see another's point of view is a perfectly valid thing to do within the context of a trusted counselling relationship, but this strikes me as a very odd thing to have done in your first session. Shouldn't she have been trying to build a rapport with you so you felt supported by her? Counsellor as critical friend seems like a good place to get to, but she needs to establish the friend part first.

Proudnscary Fri 15-Jun-12 16:30:26

Was just going to say exactly what Tribot said. I am very suprised she asked you this question in the first session. Also, particularly as you were so tearful and upset, I would have thought her job in the first session would be 99% about listening and hearing you (as well as getting to grips with your 'story' as she will need to familarise herself with it).

Hi by the way, not been on MN a lot lately - I know my last posts were harsh. I stand by them but hope you are ok and still think you are getting on very well.

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 17:33:16

The coun selling is through the Childrens Centre, she said that she has just finished her diploma - that's how it's free through Action For Children. She has 100 hours of experience but needs more so they build it up this way so she is qualified but not that experienced... She was about ten years older than me and also had a child when she was in her thirties.

I did like her as a person but I did feel she was a bit judgemental a out the divorce. I told her that H is adamant he doesn't love me. , she said he has shut off and put his feelings in a box and needs time. I said i have been there donethat and now he is cold and horrible to me and that i cant go on like it. I have accepted what he is saying and divorcing him as I don't want to stay married to him.

Maybe she will be different when she has had time to go away and absorb my problems... she said I was carrying a lot of baggage and thinking that I'm a horrible person because of his letter so her job is to get me through those feelings and out the other side feeling better about myself.

Bunnyjo Fri 15-Jun-12 17:40:07

I am going to echo tribpot on this too. Encouraging you to see things from your H's viewpoint is valid, but I certainly wouldn't expect that on a first session - the trust has yet to be established between you and her. I would have expected the first session to be about you both establishing a relationship, whereby you trust her, and also getting the bones of what happened. Subsequent sessions should be about getting to the meat of everything and exploring the tougher and more challenging aspects.

Hope you're OK?

AnyFucker Fri 15-Jun-12 17:41:00

your counsellor doesn't appear to understand the basic premise of what your H has done

she is trying to say he has recently put his feelings in a box and detached from you

the true fect is, he did that yonks ago, which I detailed on your last thread and is several pages ahead of you

your counsellor should understand that, and help you process it

having said that, it's probably not helpful for me (or anyone else) to pick apart what she says negatively, this is your lifeline so stick with it and after a few more sessions I am sure you will start to see it is helpful

and if it isn't, you are not obliged to continue

but give it several more sessions before you make a judgement about that

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 17:48:22

She did say that we start off in the next session talking about my childhood and then about now but she asked for the story of the marriage breakup, so out it all came warts and all. I think i confused the hell out of her! Jumping from one bit to another as I rambled through my story.

I said to her it has been four months since he left the first time and he wasn't really there when he came back as he was obsessing with OW texts all day every day by then so I really feel now like he left at the end of Feb although it has only been a month since the letter. I'm all confused with a banging headache..

skyebluesapphire Fri 15-Jun-12 17:54:18

Thanks af I think you are right. She just didn't seem to get the point that it's over! I think because in her words it's early days she seems to think its fixable but she doesn't know him whereas I know he means it she doesn't.

And the divorce is my decision, but i did respect what she was saying from the point of view of why put myself through it if I'm not strong enough, why not sort myself out then get divorced but I said i need to do it now not heal then open it all up again in a years time or whenever. Plus I told her about the debt history etc and said financially I need him off deeds etc.

MidnightsChild Fri 15-Jun-12 18:59:38

skye if you feel that your counsellor hasn't understood the situation, my advice would be to prepare a simple and clear statement with which to start the next session. If it would be too difficult to speak it out loud, why not write it down and ask here to read it from start to finish before discussing any of it with you. Perhaps the process of writing it down would help you to decide on some initial goals for the counselling.

Remember, counsellors are human just like anyone else and they are capable of getting the wrong end of the stick too. They may be reasons why she has misunderstood, but those can be discussed at a later stage if you feel it would be helpful. The important thing is to get your counselling back on track.

I'm a trainee counsellor btw and I'd really prefer my client to tell me if I was on the wrong track, so don't worry about hurting her feelings. Honestly ...

stuffitunderthebed Fri 15-Jun-12 19:09:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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