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dodgy texts?

(68 Posts)
Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:23:05

I found a string of text messages in his phone from a female colleague none of which were overtly sexual or pointed directly towards cheating but are making me feel extremely worried that he may be having an emotional affair.

The first time I have ever snooped in my 7year relationship I found a text arranging to have lunch with her when I had previously tried to arranged to spend the day with him but he had turned me down. The second was when he had been off work sick for a week and she sent him a text telling him she misses him and referring to him as graybear, he sent one back equally as intimate calling her by a nickname based on her surname saying he couldn't wait to see her. The third major message that concerned me was on her birthday where he told her she was getting more and more beautiful. He never, ever sends me messages or talks to me in such a loving way. They text each other at least 4 times a day, more that anyone else and always with a overly friendly tone even if the topic is workbased.

We are barely ever intimate anymore and I'm now 8 month pregnant with 1st child and am feeling so vulnerable, he used to talk about her all the time but recently is reluctant to talk about her, last I heard she was on the verge of splitting up with her partner, I have tried to find out if she is single but not sure.

I have no idea if I am just being paranoid or if he is being inappropriate or if something is going on. Im scared if telling him what I have seen because I know I shouldn't have been snooping.

Can anyone offer me some sane advise cos I'm very much short of it here...

You're not being paranoid.

They're at it.

Or on the verge of being at it.

Sorry sad

kahlua4me Thu 07-Jun-12 15:28:07

sounds very dodgy to me I am sorry to say.
Did you confront him about the texts?

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 15:30:57

Your concerns are based on the actual facts of their inappropriate texting and not figments of a paranoid imagination.

I don't thnk you're scared of telling him what you've seen because you've been snooping so much as scared that he may up and leave but, honey, it's time to put your cards on the table and ask him exactly what his intentions are towards this particular 'colleague'.

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:32:01

I haven't had the courage to confront him, I feel horribly guilty about reading the texts in the first place. Feel like I'm 28 going on 16. I'm at a total loss

TheMonster Thu 07-Jun-12 15:33:16

Four times a day? That's not necessary. I would be mighty suspicious too.

Proudnscary Thu 07-Jun-12 15:34:28

I'm so sorry, what a horrible find when you are eight months pregnant.

If you possibly can, can you jump from 'these texts are making me feel paranoid' to 'my dh is having an affair - either emotional or sexual or both'.

As that will truly save you a lot of time and wasted energy.

Sorry to be blunt but it is true.

The texts, plus her splitting from partner, plus him talking about her loads to not talking about her at all but still texting = an affair.

What do you feel you want to do about it?

If you confront he will 99% definitely deny it.

Proudnscary Thu 07-Jun-12 15:34:59

Fuck feeling guilty about reading the texts, don't be diverted by stuff that doesn't matter now.

kahlua4me Thu 07-Jun-12 15:36:19

Sorry, I obviously missed the last part of your post. I also think you may be scared to confront because of the possible fallout and the truth coming out.

You have no need to be guilty about reading his texts. I would have no qualms about dh reading my texts or viceversa as we have nothing to hide. IMO only people with secrets would get funny about that.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:41:18

You're not being paranoid. Any relationship that has to be kept secret is wrong. Even if they're not having sex they are having an emotional affair. Which is against the rules of him being in a relationship with you. I'm sorry yet another twunt is treating a pregnant woman this way. Have it out with him & put your foot down. NO FURTHER CONTACT between them or he loses everything. You, his unborn child, the lot. Do you feel brave enough to do that?

idontbelieveanymore Thu 07-Jun-12 15:45:15

I have been in the same identical position as you. I confronted him about it when children in bed and was shaking like a leaf. He always swore that ot was just banter and never meant anything, nothing went on etc etc

I didn't believe him completely but we have since moved and so no more contact. But I will never forget it and am forever suspicious. You must confront and then YOU will KNOW from his reaction to you . The words he will say are not what you go by...go by your gut reaction and instinct.

These texts are way over the line. Even if they are just texts he is flirting and behaving like he wants her. Dick head.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 15:46:42

agree with midwife - you are being too nice and gentle with him! with the help of this thread, hopefully you'll see you have every right to stand up for yourself - I'm sure you have read the texts as something about him started to feel odd.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 15:53:42

What midwife has advised is the only way to go, honey.

It'll be of scant consolation to you at this moment in time, but it's infinitely preferable to be a single parent than to live with the uncertainty that inevitably accompanies a philandering twunt.

ladymariner Thu 07-Jun-12 15:55:55

What a horrible thing to have to find out, but find out you have and now it's up to you to decide how to handle this. Never mind the fact that you 'snooped' to find this info, you must have felt uneasy in the first place if it's the first time in 7 years.
Personally I would have it out with him, I couldn't just sit on this and not say anything but then of course there is the chance he may decide its her he wants. The bastard, what is it with these men? Hope you get more useful advice than mine, just wanted to stand by your side, like the others on here x

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:20:14

I'd advise checking out chocoraisin's threads & blog. She is also 8 months pg & her stbxh had an affair & is now living with ow. I hope it is nothing more than stupid texting but even so if you don't put your foot down now it will become more when the poor lamb feels all neglected because you "only care about the baby". Seen it many times I'm afraid! angry

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:20:37

Tbh I'm absolutely terrified, I've been dwelling on this for far too long and i know that I need to sort it out before the birth. I'm not sure how to start this conversation as I'm sure its emotional not physical, its not knowing and not knowing if he will have the balls to admit it if its true. I know this sounds like me in denial but it is so unlike him.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:24:55

Maybe his unfaithful gene is latent but he's got it as, to some extent, as do we all.

Better to get the conversation over now than wait until you're giving birth, or, worse, spending what should be blissful first weeks with your pfb.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:27:40

'as' 'as'? I seem to be stuttering today but there's no need for to be hesitant when you ask for an explanation and demand that he ceases all contact outisde of work with his 'colleague'.

TheHappyHissy Thu 07-Jun-12 16:28:17

The fact that he has gone from talking about her to NOT talking about he is significant.

IIRC (and someone kindly correct me if I'm wrong) this often signifies the change from emotional to physical affair, or at the very least a deeping of affection, or whatever you call that kind of ffing treachery

I'm so sorry love.

countingto10 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:32:55

You said it yourself, he never texts you or talks to you in the loving way he does to her sad. What he is investing in her, he is taking away from you. He turned you down so he could take her to lunch. Please start to get angry about these things and see them for what they are.

If possible ask to see his phone as soon as you confront so he cannot delete any evidence, do not let him turn this around onto you - you had a very good reason to snoop, do not let him deflect it. And if he says it wasn't cheating, ask him if he would have sent those loving texts if you had been looking over his shoulder.

Good luck, it is truly horrible feeling but you must deal with this.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 16:33:27

you could start with something like 'I've done something I shouldn't have, for which I'm sorry, but I felt something was off, and I need some answers now as my imagination is going wild and I'm stressed, which is bad for me and the baby'. Hopefully he will be reassuring, or if it's serious with OW he probably values his soon to be born child enough, to be able to talk about it in a mature way and not fly off the handle at you.

Oogaballoo Thu 07-Jun-12 16:37:20

I think that they are having an affair, emotional or physical, and are attempting to conceal it. The limited amount of texts and his new reluctance to talk about her, to me, points towards him trying to cover his tracks and make sure there's no evidence lying around. The messages that are there are so affectionate that I think there's a lot of talking or other behaviour going on in person that is way beyond friendship.

puds11 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:40:47

Can you forward the texts to your phone incase he deletes them?
He is definately having some sort of affair if he is like that with her but wont touch you.
I'm sorry this is not what you need right now.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:42:59

I'm sure you are terrified but try to turn the fear into absolute FURY!!!! My DH it turned out had an affair with his cousin just before we met 5 years ago. I knew nothing of this until I borrowed his old mobile while on maternity leave 3 years later. I saw all the gory details in the archive but luckily for him the dates checked out & it was before we met. HOWEVER, when checking his current phone I found current texts still saying inappropriate things like "of course you're still as gorgeous as you were" etc etc. I felt physically sick. I came down on him like a ton of bricks & it was cut off all contact immediately & forever or not only would he be out the door like a shot, I would tell his cousin's husband & his parents about their affair. He wasn't the type either! He knows to this day that if he contacts her again that's it & if his parents ever ask me why I won't let him see his "lovely cousin who was so good to him after his divorce" I will tell them the truth. Don't stand for it. Not being afraid to be alone helps as I've been a single parent before & know I can cope again if necessary. You can too if worst comes to worst. Be brave honey. sad

stargazy Thu 07-Jun-12 16:49:21

Totally agree with Happyhissy that when do stop talking about the, that's the time to really worry.He's gone undercover with this relationship and wether physical or not in my book that is an affair.I have experience of this but not when I was close to giving birth.Opposite end of family spectrum.Grown up kids.
But it hurts like hell.It's a massive betrayal and you deserve to know the truth before your baby is born.
The very least he can do is cut all contact with OW immediately.Then comes the really hard part deciding if he's been totally honest and if you still want to be with him.Your decision, not his.How you found out about this really isn't relevant so please don't beat yourself up over that.He gave you cause to doubt him when you neede him most, and proved you're not paranoid - just intuitive.
I'm so,so sorry you are going through this.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:50:04

There's absolutely no need for you to use the word 'sorry', honey, as he's the one that's got the explaining and the apologising to do.

Again, act on midwife's advice; if he doesn't end all contact with the ow he loses you, his home, and his pfb.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 17:07:56

Don't say sorry!

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 17:23:59

saying a polite 'sorry'' won't change the gist of the talk or that the main issue is his behaviour. OP doesn't have to say it, but as she's feeling guilty about snooping it might help start conversation, and show that she does normally respect privacy. It's not some grovelling apology grin - that remains his job.

Rudawakening Thu 07-Jun-12 18:25:50

I had an affair with a married work colleague a long time ago when I was single. This is definitely how we were. I would say 100% they are having an affair either emotional or physical probably both.

So sorry you're going through this.

TheEndIsntInSight Thu 07-Jun-12 18:44:39

I too had an affair with a married work colleague a while back and this is exactly how we were. I'm sorry sad

AnyFucker Thu 07-Jun-12 19:01:00

I am really sorry, OP

I think it best if you screw up your courage and do as midwife says

I think you are considering just hoping this will blow over if you keep your gob shut

well, this ain't the 1950's and this ain't the set of Mad Men

you deserve much respect as the imminent bearer of his pfb and he is not giving it to you

I agree with everything said so far, but I am concerned at your fear of raising the issue

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 19:08:15

I'm am too! I have to do it though, I think I'm more worried about not doing it correctly... I want the truth, I want to be able to corner him to make sure I get the whole truth. This is not the first time its happened to me although the last time (who was my first love ironically) he came clean immediately without me having to argue with him. I was a lot younger then but it totally destroyed my confidence.

Thank you for the advice, he should be home soon... not been this nervous for so long

AnyFucker Thu 07-Jun-12 19:11:00

you sound lovely btw

something2say Thu 07-Jun-12 19:35:39

Thinking of you x x x

clam Thu 07-Jun-12 19:37:21

Do NOT allow him to derail the conversation by banging on about you reading his texts. That is SO not the issue.

Charlotte1234 Thu 07-Jun-12 19:40:28

Be brave. Good luck. x

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 20:11:06

Fingers crossed for you, honey, and sending waves of Warrior Woman vibes through the ether to sharpen your sword of righteousness.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Jun-12 20:28:31

Hope it's going OK, OP

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 20:38:12

Let us know if you're ok later sad

tryingtobestonger Thu 07-Jun-12 20:38:41

Feeling for you. I went through something very similar when my DD was 8 months old. I found lots of text messages on his phone and he admitted it when I confronted him. He said he would finish it and we talked about him moving jobs and us going to Relate to work on our marriage. Sadly I didn't follow through on these things and he has just walked out 16 months later as I found out the affair had continued. It was kept incredibly well hidden!

My point is - if he is having an affair and you decide to work things out (which I hope you do for your baby's sake) please please make sure you follow through with any plans you put in place to work on things. Make sure he doesn't have any contact with OW at all!!

He wasn't too worried about me reading the text's in the first place as the shock of me discovering them and him unable to deny them really overshone any angst he had with me for doing so. I therefore wouldn't worry too much about this - I don't think he can deny them at all. He did however soon get a new phone that had a password on it so I couldn't ever check messages again..........

MissFaversham Thu 07-Jun-12 20:50:38

Another one here sending "strength" vibes to you sweetheart.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Jun-12 22:05:28
idontbelieveanymore Thu 07-Jun-12 22:35:38

Hope you are ok op

midwife99 Fri 08-Jun-12 06:34:50

Hope the confrontation went ok & you're alright sad

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 15:36:24

Um hi smile feeling a bit sheepish replying on this thread considering. I did confront OH regarding the texts and he talked me down by explaining that this was a misunderstanding the other woman was depressed and he was trying to cheer her up.

Since then things have been tense esp on the subject of her. She had major problems at work which lead to accusations that lead to her being suspended. My OH was categorically told he was not to have any contact with her on pain of looking his job (must admit to being v happy with that) ..... Then found out that to get around this ban he was texting her mother!!! Who kept going into his workplace and giving him presents for my child. I checked his phone again and found a text saying that they had met up (with her OH) which he had lied to me about. I again had it out with him and he said he had lied to 'protect me'

We agreed that he wouldn't lie to me again about meeting her. Since then she has been moved to another department and the restrictions have been lifted. He texts her a huge number of times every single day. I'mrreally not comfortable with any if this but recently he has been going to the gym 5+ times a week (he loves going to the gym) before DD was born this was something we used to do together but he told me he was doing on his own. I know for a fact that he is meeting her there and is lying about it

I'm so sick of the lies, I'm still pretty sure there is nothing physically going on but I really don't trust him, why the continued lies if there is nothing for me to worry about?

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:14

sad I would say at this point it doesn't matter if he is actually having a physical relationship with her or not. I might call it an affair anyway but even without this his continued and consistent lying I don't think is something I would want to get past.

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:56

(Even if he did say he would stop lying, he has no intention of actually doing it)

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:55:55

It isn't his relationship with her you have to worry about basically, it is his relationship with you. He is shutting all over it by lying so much. It is very disrespectful and I would see it as a sign that he did not view me as an equal in the relationship.

badinage Tue 01-Jan-13 15:59:43

Sorry love, it's abundantly clear they've been having an affair for at least 6-7 months and there's no way it isn't physical.

Why are you putting up with this? They are treating you and her partner with complete contempt.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 16:02:21

Do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead ? sad

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:03:38

They're at it.

It is as plain as day.

He isn't going to stop.

You have to decide if you're willing to live in a thruple, or not.

I am so sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:11:02

"why the continued lies if there is nothing for me to worry about?"

Because there is a lot for you to worry about.... not least that he thinks you are utterly stupid for keeping on swallowing the very tall, very stinking pile of crap he keeps dishing up. He's an A-Grade, Olympic standard shit and the quicker you show him the door the better.

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:19:55

I'm beginning to think I may need to grow a pair smile he is going to the gym tomorrow ('on his own') but has arranged to meet her there, it's a shame it's 45 miles away I really want proof before I walk...

ohfunnyhoneyface Tue 01-Jan-13 16:20:04

This is awful!

He is obviously cheating- he cares more about her than you or his child- selfish prick.

Leave them to it- he has risked his job, your only source of income, for HER!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:25:05

Why are you the one walking? You have a baby don't you? And why are you still talking about proof? When he leaves for a legover with his 'colleague' at the gym tomorrow (and who travels that far for a gym???), pack his bag, leave it on the step and bolt the door... You've got more than enough proof as it is.

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:29:07

Proof?

you've got texts, you've got intimate 'pet names', you've got lies, you've got meetings, you've got a fairly good idea that they've been behaving inappropriately at work which has led to problems for them there (this is my interpretation of the workplace investigation, the sanctions, the ban on them being in contact, her subsequent relocation to another department, etc. It just smacks of workplace affair in breech of company rules, although I may of course be totally wrong there), you've got him being romantic with her - saying how beautiful she is, you've got him prioritising time with her over time with you, you've got him building a social life with her, you've got him getting cosy with her family members...

With the best will in the world - What more proof do you need? To walk in and see him bending her over the rowing machine?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:29:09

Don't you have a car btw? Could you get a taxi to the gym and confront him when he either doesn't show up or strolls in with Little Miss Nickname?

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:31:09

I apologise for the bluntness of my last sentence. I didn't mean to be so heartless. It was born of anger at the way he is treating you and a desire for you to see that you don't have to have this 'proof' that you think you do. I promise you that I do understand waiting for this concrete irrefutable proof that may never come, as if you don't have the right to leave without it.

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:32:21

The gym is near his work, he works in a kind of social workerish environment so he takes the young adults he works with there.

I would leave him mainly because I hate this house and would prefer to move closer to my family. While I have told what's going on so both mother and sister would let us stay whilst we were getting everything sorted

shotofexpresso Tue 01-Jan-13 16:34:01

Oh god just read all of this , what more do you need? do like feeling so disrespected? do you not want kick both of their faces in, throw him out of your house? set them on fire?

wheres the fury?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:35:48

So go to your family. No need to wait for more proof or torture yourself any further. No need for big confrontations where he can hurt you with more lies. Pack your bags up, go to your family and then book an appointment with a solicitor. What are you still holding out for? That he's been telling you the shiny truth all this time? That he'll say it's all been a big mistake and beg your forgiveness?.. hmm

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:35:52

Her being suspended was due to an alleged offence with a minor. But he told me there was an office rumor that they were having an affair.

Feel really fucking stupid about all of it

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:41:52

Sweetie, if that man says good morning to you, you should check your watch before replying. And you should probably just save yourself the time and slip on your nightie.

You have only his word that there's anything going on beyond their affair that caused problems at work. How can you know he didn't make up the other issue in order to confuse things for you?

What do you want to do? What do you want to happen?

I think you can safely say that he's not going to give her up.

So the ball is in your court here. What do you want? You can't have him faithful to you, he isn't going to let that happen. So - what now?

What proof do you need?

I need to see X...

??

When you get it, what will you do?

If you don't get it, what will you do?

It is really shit. I am so so sorry for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:47:13

"But he told me there was an office rumor that they were having an affair."

Best place to hide a book is in a library. Best place to hide the truth is to dress it up as a rumour...

So come on, what's your next move? What are you going to do concrete in the next 24 hours that is going to make your life even a little better than it is right now?

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Tue 01-Jan-13 16:50:01

My story - My XH was texting OW over 100 times a day. I discovered this shortly after he walked out on me saying he didnt love me. I discovered this in April, he said he was supporting her and vice versa.

I tried to see the best in this and believe that there was nothing going on. I begged my XH to come back and he refused.

We were divorced in November after I realised that even if he changed his mind, I would never trust him again anyway. He deceived me by ringing, emailing, facebooking, flirting with, texting her all behind my back.

Her H trusts him as he is his best mate. hmm

Your H needs to face up to the reality of what he is doing and that it is unacceptable. The only thing you can do is walk away from him to shock him into what he will lose.

There is no way that he can justify what he is doing.

MudCity Tue 01-Jan-13 16:50:09

I'm so sorry for you too. No advice. Just a huge amount of sympathy.

You sound lovely. He sounds immature and stupid.

He absolutely doesn't deserve you.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 01-Jan-13 16:55:55

I'm so sorry that you are still going through this.

But it's going to go on and on and on and on and on......

Frankly, I also think you have enough evidence. What more do you actually need?

MudCity Wed 02-Jan-13 07:20:00

Really feel for you. However, don't feel guilty about snooping right now. You snooped because you had doubts. Sit him down and say you need to talk about your relationship. Focus any conversation on your relationship rather than what is going on with the OW. Ultimately, it is your relationship that really matters here so talk about how he is feeling about it. That is a good, non-blaming way of initiating the conversation. If he is unhappy or feeling unloved then it will encourage him to open up and talk about it with you and not with the OW. You want to be the one he has emotional intimacy with so look at creating opportunities to make that happen.

Of course, all this is easier said and done but if he feels you are going to attack him then he may not open up and you won't get anywhere. Try the touchy-freely approach first. Let him know he is loved and how much you want him.

I know, I know...I would be furious, I really would. While that may work, it may also drive him away. Only you know your DP and only you know what may work. Some DPs need anger and fury to get through to them, others need a touchy-freely 'let me try to understand you' approach.

Get him talking. If he feels you understand him and you can get that intimacy back he will not need the OW.

Good luck. Really sorry you are having to go through this. Take care of yourself.

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