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To think my husband is a cunt?

(197 Posts)
dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 20:43:20

After yet another row, in which I am told I do nothing round the house as all I do is stay home and look after the kids. I just heard him shouting at the dog and saying to it 'you're a dickhead just like the rest of them'. How nice that he thinks that of his wife and kids sad
Just went down and let him know I had heard him, and got told 'well it's true, none of you listen to me'
I am sat here in tears now, as I am just so fed up of everything being my fault and him never taking responsibility for any of it.
I know he works hard, and fully support him in all he does. But with 4 year old twins to look after, I don't exactly sit on my arse all day. I do absolutely everything with the kids. He never puts them to bed, gives them a bath, reads a bedtime story, cooks their meals, spends time alone with them- all apparently because he works and I don't, so it's my job.
As I said, I know he works hard and long hours etc, but surely other dads make some time to occasionally put their kids to bed/read a story etc. Or do they not? Maybe this is normal?
Sorry this is a bit long and waffly, I am just so angry and upset I needed to 'talk' to someone. Thanks for reading.

tiredemma Wed 23-May-12 20:45:48

stop doing what you do.

he will soon notice exactly what you do.

NinthWave Wed 23-May-12 20:47:10

It doesn't matter how hard he works or how many hours he puts in - he doesn't have any respect or appreciation for you, from the sounds of it.

YANBU, you have every right to be upset & angry.

HARRYSBABE74 Wed 23-May-12 20:47:52

I have to say this is my first time on mumsnet and I nearly spat my coffee at your thread title!!!! Brilliant!!!

I would stop doing all you do. He will soon realise!! Go out shopping on Sat and let him have the pleasure of your LO's for a couple of hours.........

Stop doing any housework and also they are his children too, so he should be doing his fair share of bath & bedtimes!

My DP would never get away with that.

SoDesperate Wed 23-May-12 20:49:27

No... you are not being at all UR.

My 'D'H accused me of doing nothing around the house once too often. So, I packed up and left for about six months! I had to come back sadly, but I only do the absolute minimum now, divorce in progress smile

Easier for me because my kids are young adults! I appreciate it isnt the same for you. sad

Oohlordylordy Wed 23-May-12 20:50:06

Oh, I know just how you feel.

Don't expect to feel respected if / when you stop doing all that you do. My husband makes a BIG deal of having to change a bin liner (or similar). In fact, I've never heard anyone make a bigger noise JUST IN CASE I HAD NOT NOTICE HE HAD DONE SOME HOUSEWORK.

My husband likes to throw around how he pays for everything. Presumably this entitles him to live in a hotel.

Atleast he thinks it so.

Kleptronic Wed 23-May-12 20:50:08

YANBU. He should be looking after his kids because he loves them and wants to care for them, job or no, and because he loves you and wants to give you a break.

AThingInYourLife Wed 23-May-12 20:50:33

YANBU

You don't have to spend your life living with a cunt.

tartyflette Wed 23-May-12 20:50:39

He needs to grow up! Four-year old twins --- good God, you must be run off your feet just with them, not to mention all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and shopping for the household. YANBU at all. He's a wanker.

Flisspaps Wed 23-May-12 20:51:01

YANBU.

fivegomadindorset Wed 23-May-12 20:51:59

I work, DH does but from home so is main child carer, I do bedtime as I enjoy spending time with the DC's when I get home.

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 20:52:41

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. There's no way you should have to put up with that kind of abuse.

Op, you may wish to ask HQ to move this to Relationships, there's lots of traffic there this time of night and people who will be able to give you some sound advice.

But no, you're not being unreasonable at all. He is a twat and you deserve better.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 20:53:52

Why are there so many men out there that think the world owes them something?

YANBU. You need to tell him how unhappy he is making you, Be very clear and don't let him butt in and talk about himself.

Don't cry...

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 20:55:50

what he said wasnt very nice, I admit, but does he have a point about the state of the house?

If I had been out all day and my husband had been in charge of the children, house and dog, I would expect a certain level of things to have been accomplished.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 20:56:58

What level of things Melindaaa?

Could you make a list?

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 20:57:14

And if he hadn't accomplished them, would you call him a dickhead then Melindaaa? hmm

lou2321 Wed 23-May-12 20:57:15

YANBU esepcially with such a fab title!

It should not be normal for husbands and fathers to behave like this but unfortunately there are many that do. I am not saying it is your fault that he behaves like this but you do have to take control and make a decision as to whether you are going to allow him to treat you and your family like this.

GingerWrath Wed 23-May-12 20:57:17

He is a twat, I am a SAHM and my child is now in school, DH still does bath and story, looks after her whilst I do tea because he VALUES time with OUR daughter.

His wages are OURS because he thinks I earn them too by giving up my time to bring up OUR child!

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 20:57:20

Thank you.
To be fair, he is good about doing things round the house. But it is almost OCD like. He will come in from work and start doing all the things I haven't yet got around to doing (washing up etc), because I have been doing stuff with the kids. I would rather wait until they are in bed and then do anything round the house that needs doing. But no, he will do it and say if he doesnt it won't get done.

AThingInYourLife Wed 23-May-12 20:57:54

"If I had been out all day and my husband had been in charge of the children, house and dog, I would expect a certain level of things to have been accomplished."

You think you are your husband's boss?

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 23-May-12 20:58:10

YANBU, he does sound like a complete cunt.

ceeveebee Wed 23-May-12 20:58:11

I know exactly how you feel, we have 6mo twins and other than changing their nappy first thing in the morning, DH does not see them at all Monday to Friday. He is out of the house from 730am to around 8-9pm every day and works very hard. He does not do a tap of housework, laundry, cooking etc. At weekends he will 'help' out if he doesn't have work to do, but he has only ever had them on their own once for 2 hours and was a gibbering mess by the time I came home. Thankfully I put my foot down and we now outsource a lot so neither of us do any housework now.

akaemmafrost Wed 23-May-12 20:58:58

My ex told me today "you need to actually be bringing those kids up, not just make them breakfast in the morning!"

He does not live with us, am lone parent, he NEVER has them overnight as he does not have his own place.
I home school my ds with ASD
My dd is thriving and star of her class
I do EVERYTHING in my home and for my dc, he does nothing practical for them whatsoever
When he has just been paid we often don't hear from him for up to a week.
Everyone who knows my dc tells me what lovely, kind kids they are.

When I lived with him, he used to say and do everything you mention in your OP.

I despise these kinds of men.

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 20:59:57

And Malindaaa, the house isn't exactly a tip. There is usually some washing up/ tidying up in the kitchen to do, and toys on the floor. I also cook every night after bathing the kids and putting them to bed.

TupperwareTwat Wed 23-May-12 21:00:14

YANBU. My DH works very hard long hours too but he still showers our 3yo DS every morning, takes him to nursery 3 days a week, puts him to bed and reads him a story every night. He puts out all the bins and does the washing.
Your husband sounds a bit cuntish.

My OH works away all week and is only home weekends after a 4 hr commute, I work part time. At weekends he does All the baths, and the bedtime stories and gets up with DD cos he loves her and wants to spend time with her. I get a lie in. Your OH is a cunt. You are right. And he is taking the piss. You must work bloody hard looking after 4 yo twins, I think you deserve a medal.

YANBU, my DH would never get away with that, but probably more importantly nor would he want to. I was very proud the other day when my dad asked him if he was "ok to babysit" and he replied with "it's not babysitting, it's being a dad, it's what I'm supposed to do". DD is only 4 months old, it probably won't last

I agree with those upthread who have suggested you stop doing everything, he will soon appreciate you.

lou2321 Wed 23-May-12 21:02:40

Well sometimes things don't always work out that way Melindaaa as some days things just don't get done. If my DH had ever commented on me not doing something then he'd bloody well be doing it on his own in future.

If I go away for the weekend (sometimes work, sometimes not) of course I would expect the basics to be done, ie feeding the kids, clearing up after after tea but anything else only if it is possible really.

The OP hasn't really told us what does/doesn't get done so you may have a point but I think your comment was very generalised.

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:02:50

AllYoursBabooshka, I'd expect laundry to be done, floors to have been hoovered at least once, the children to be fed and clean, the dishwasher to be loaded, kitchen table and sides all wiped down. If I came home at 7pm to see, for example, the detritus of lunch still thrown around the kitchen I'd be mightily peed off.

CuriousMama Wed 23-May-12 21:05:15

So is he ok apart from these sort of outbursts? He sounds mega stressed and is being unreasonable talking about you all like that.

Can you sit and talk to him? Maybe when he gets in you could just hand over the dts and do some chores even if light ones? Try to get him to spend at least an hour with them?

Do you have any support from friends or family? Can you have a break together even if it's just for a night? Sounds like you've both become distant? It must be really stressful coping with twins. I had a toddler and baby and that could be hard.

Has he apologised? If he can't see he was in the wrong then that's worrying.

PastaLaVista Wed 23-May-12 21:07:47

floors to have been hoovered at least once

Purleez? At least once in a single day? Something very strange going on there melindaaa ...

CuriousMama Wed 23-May-12 21:08:39

dawnpreview just saw what you do and that sounds a lot. It's so sad he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his dts?

CuriousMama Wed 23-May-12 21:09:07

grin Melindaaa you are joking right?

AThingInYourLife Wed 23-May-12 21:09:13

I'd expect laundry to be done, floors to have been hoovered at least once, the children to be fed and clean, the dishwasher to be loaded, kitchen table and sides all wiped down. If I came home at 7pm to see, for example, the detritus of lunch still thrown around the kitchen I'd be mightily peed off.

You could fuck off with that attitude in my house.

And if you didn't you could expect divorce papers.

lou2321 Wed 23-May-12 21:09:49

My god Melindaaa if I wasn't such a lady I'd say you sound a bit like a cunt but I would never say that word!

Dawnpreview - thats similar to how things work in our house too, dishwasher and main clearing up usually gets done either after the kids are in bed or whilst they are having bath/bed if both of us are in but in order for that to happen then obviously DH helps out. Sometimes the laundry gets done in the week but mainly it happens friday-sunday. DH does all the ironing too. Of course we hoover every other day but if it doesn't get done before DH is home from work then it will get done later - whats the problem with that?!

I cannot believe you are treated like that, you really need to have a serious talk and tell him how you feel.

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:10:09

Pasta, yes at least once. It generally needs doing after every meal, especially in the dining room.

OxfordBags Wed 23-May-12 21:11:13

I specifically leave the detritus of lunch for my DH to clear up when he gets home grin

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 21:11:40

Well thank fuck I'm not married to you Melindaaa. Some days it's all I can do to chuck the nappies in the bin and I don't have twins and an unsupportive cunt of a husband.

I don't really understand why you're posting here to be honest. Are you actually suggesting that the way the OPs partner has treated her is acceptable? And do you have any idea how damaging that could be to someone who has had her self esteemed stamped on tonight and has come on here to vent and actually get some support?

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:12:04

lou2321, I dont think my list of things would take any longer than a total of 30 minutes in a whole day. is that really too much to expect from someone who is a sahp?

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 21:12:06

Hah...

So when one twin decides it would be great fun to decorate the living room in flour and the other decides cocoa powder is a better look making your list impossible you would come home and get angry?

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 21:12:18

Also Melindaaa if you have to hoover after every single meal then you, your husband and your children need to learn some table manners.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 21:13:03

30 minutes with twin 4 year olds?!

I'de like a one way ticket to Melindaaa world please.

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:13:49

AllYoursBabooshka, I'd be furious at a four year old, not my partner necessarily.

Sarcalogos Wed 23-May-12 21:15:40

'it generally needs doing after every meal, especially in the dining room'

But not ONLY in the dining room?? Your children get mess in rooms they are not even eating in during meal times?

hmm

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:15:46

perhaps you should come and visit my house Babooshka and see how I do it

CuriousMama Wed 23-May-12 21:17:16

Can we get back to the OP and not make this the Melindaaa show please? The minority would agree with Melindaaa's ideal.

OP the majority are with you I hope you're ok and can sort this out with your dh?

lou2321 Wed 23-May-12 21:17:30

I assume you have never been a SAHP then Melindaaa or if you have you can't have done anything other than SAH?

Its not that people are saying those things shouldn't be done in an ideal world on an ideal day (I would have wanted/tried to have everything done every day when the Dcs were little) but sometimes things happen to prevent that and a completely unsupportive twat of a spouse coming home and having a go about it is not very helpful!!

fridakahlo Wed 23-May-12 21:17:53

You have all your meals in the dining room? Why?

Jacksmania Wed 23-May-12 21:18:44

hmm
Things sound a bit bleak in melindaaa world... I think you and Xenia would get along quite well.

OP - YANBU.
A grown man stomping around telling a dog he's a dickhead like the rest of them? Oh dear.

Brockle Wed 23-May-12 21:18:56

I'm sorry, I never post usually on AIBU. OP what your husband said was unacceptable. A relationship with kids is a partnership with both people pulling their weight.

When my DH comes home there is usually the washing up to be done after tea and the toys to tidy up at the end of the day. DH does the bath and bedtime whilst I finish the rest off. YANBU and it is tantamount to emotional abuse.

melindaa you know what they say about women with immaculate houses. Must be a lovely view from that pedestal you live on!

Peppin Wed 23-May-12 21:20:31

YANBU. Though sadly I think you are not alone in your "husband being ignorant cunt" predicament.

I used to be a SAHM and DH went out to work. He worked in a pressured job in the City but was home every day by 6.30-7pm. Even when I had DS age 2 and DD newborn, he would literally insist on knocking on the front door every night instead of letting himself in, as he liked his wife to welcome him home. He then liked to sit on the sofa and not be disturbed by having to converse with the wife who had not spoken to another adult since he'd left the house in the morning, as he was tired from the office. While fixing his drink and snack I would also have to bathe and put to bed the DCs, at least one of whom on any given night would not settle for ages. Then I would go downstairs and serve up the healthy but delicious dinner that I had prepared earlier in the day from scratch so that DH could be properly nourished and not eat takeaway crap. Then I would tidy kitchen. All of these things were my job, not his, because as we all know, if you are a SAHM your DH earns the money - that is his job - and everything else is your job.

We are now divorced. Now I have a full time job which involves leaving the house at 7.30am and returning at 7.30pm. I still do all the housework, cleaning and cooking, but without him around it somehow feels like less work wink

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:20:31

you assume wrong lou2321.

And why wouldnt we eat all meals in the dining room? Where else would we eat them? Dont most families eat in the room where the table is?

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:22:44

I'm not saying the husband shouldnt be pitching in once home, of course he should. When both parents are home, everything should be split 50/50.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 21:22:58

Call me Babs!

Look, I understand your point but the OP is hardly sitting at home picking her nails all day by the sounds of it. I have one four year old DS so I can imagine how it would be with two.

I don't tell DP how to do his job and he doesn't comment on mine. We both know we work hard and just like him, I don't get things done before the deadline.

It's called respect.

sweetkitty Wed 23-May-12 21:24:42

YANBU

My DP works long hours but the minute he is home it's 50/50, we have 4DC though, why should he sit in his arse whilst I run about like a loon?

McHappyPants2012 Wed 23-May-12 21:25:21

a clean and tidy home isn't everything.

It is a bit sad that all i can ever remember my mum doing when i was a child is cleaning the house so it was clean for my father when he came home from work.

my house do get cleaned, but its when the DC are in school or in the evening, as i want to spend time with the DC so they have memories of me playing out the garden, dancing, and the fun we have together

Whatmeworry Wed 23-May-12 21:26:42

IMO with 4 year olds it is perfectly possible to do some stuff around the house during the day.

Melindaaa Wed 23-May-12 21:28:07

Whatmeworry, totally agree. Unless they are sick and puking I cant understand how you cant find the time to keep things presentable.

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 21:28:23

Agree with Brockle, this definitely sounds like emotional abuse to me.

<looks round wildly for AnyFucker and her no nonsense wonderfulness>

OP I really do think you should get this moved to Relationships, you rarely get idiots Melindaaa's hijacking with their fecking useless judgement calls

Pocketrocket11 Wed 23-May-12 21:28:40

I feel for you OP, sometimes the working parent forgets how hard it can be for the parent at home. When I was a SAHM I also found it much easier to get all the tidying and cleaning done once DS was in bed and DP had a similar attitude to your DH, so I kicked him out smile only for a week but he got the point. I have to ask him to do stuff though, such as give DS a bath etc as he does not have the inclination to just do it himself but he will do it. Do you actually ask him to help with bedtimes etc?

In the dark, distant past when I was a SAHM, DH would cook the evening meal every night whilst I put the boys to bed. He would pitch in every weekend and probably did more housework than me. We had the philosophy that life is too short to worry about hoovering. I took the DSs out every afternoon, even just for a walk in the park, if I was feeling broke. The idea was to use my time with them to do things and talk to them, to play and have fun. Housework is still there when they leave home. The time when they are little is so short.

They are now grown up but they can still remember some of the places I took them and the fun times we had. They aren't worried that I didn't hoover the floor every day!

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 21:30:36

The point of the OP was not about whether or not she keeps a tidy house

It's about the horrible way she has been spoken to by her partner! Jeezus

threetequilafloor Wed 23-May-12 21:31:17

He is clearly an arse, yanbu angry...

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 21:31:24

Sitting down and talking would just turn into a row sad
He is a very stressful person. He has his own business and works hard, and I wouldn't mind doing all I do if I just got a bit of recognition for it.
I have to admit I get quite stressed as well, and probably shout at the kids too much. But if I get cross or stressed about anything it ends up with him having a go at me.'whereas it's ok for him to shout or rant and rave about stuff.
We don't have family nearby, and both lost our dads earlier this year, so things have been a bit rough. I just get fed up with it all being down to me. If I just keep quiet and agree with everything he says it's all fine. But as soon as things don't go his way, or the kids play up, he gets in a strop. Although apparently even the way the kids are is all down to me and the way i am with them.
For example I came down from running their bath tonight and he was trying to get them to tidy up the last few toys on the floor. I came into the room and picked up a box of toys to put on the shelf. He then has a go because the kids should be tidying up and not me, and that is why they are so demanding. Most of the toys they still had out were ones they wanted to take in the bath, but before I could say anything he had picked them up and packed them away. Cue upset children and me having to find the toys again in the box.
He then can't even say a proper goodnight to them as he is so mad at me.

AdoraBell Wed 23-May-12 21:31:51

No, it's not normal that one person, usually the woman does everything at home. I went as far as stopping doing everything I did/do, it made a difference with my OH, but some men just refuse to accept that they are wrong.

I also have twins, you have my sympathy, they are each a full time job, as is running the house. In fact, a US study-saw this on Dr Phil- showed that the average SAHM does the equivalent of 2.6 full times jobs. How many full time jobs does your OH do?

AmazingBouncingFalcarius Wed 23-May-12 21:34:30

It's not about whether the OP does 'enough' housework or not, it is about her husbands attitude.

And his attitude is shit.

Even if she has left some laundry or some dishes she does not deserve to be called a dickhead for that reason and on a seperate note her children do not be deserved to be ignored by their father just because he does paid work and has a penis.

Nobhead.

frankie76 Wed 23-May-12 21:35:21

Kids are not a job (although I don't mean that what u do isn't)
You are not bringing them up alone
Doesn't he want to spend any time with them - he should love doing that
My roles are reversed I work full time and my dh stays home
As soon as I get back I take over because I want to
All weekend I'm in charge

You need to change this and not put up with it

lou2321 Wed 23-May-12 21:35:36

No one is saying you can't get stuff done with 4 year olds or even younger children, my house was generally presentable every day but on the occasions it wasn't DH never said a word, he just either took the kids off my hands or did it himself, no big deal and certainly no abuse towards me. That is the point of the discussion.

GetTheeToANunnery Wed 23-May-12 21:37:46

Is he working very hard at the moment? Does he have anything on his mind eg financial issues etc?
I'm not condoning him calling you a dickhead but he might just be feeling a bit down at the moment or something. I'm sure we've all said things we didn't mean at some point.

My dp can be a bit like yours sometimes, short tempered and a bit OCD. I've found it best just to reiterate what I do around the house and what I view my job as a sahm consisting of. He soon got the message and now anything extra he wants doing to his OCD standards he does himself.

OliviaLMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 23-May-12 21:37:54

Hello OP
We are going to move this thread to relationships.
Thanks
MNHQ

GetTheeToANunnery Wed 23-May-12 21:40:15

It is easier to get a load of housework done in the morning though, just sayin smile

McHappyPants2012 Wed 23-May-12 21:40:38

also a sahm does not = a slave

the parent that works, still eats, sleeps, showers uses the toilet ect in the home, why should a man ( in the thread) come home to a cooked meal, have a shower and then go to bed without doing any housework.

the bathroom will need cleaning, the kitchen will need ceaning and the bedding washed ( i do mine once a week) so its only far that they do there fair share

molschambers Wed 23-May-12 21:40:57

YANBU.

He is being a twat.

If he was single he would have to buy and cook his own food, wash, dry and iron his own clothes, pay his own bills, change his own bedding, make his own bed, clean his own loo, etc, etc.......

So why the fuck does he think it is above him to do any of these things because he has a wife and kids?

Kids make mess. Kids need to be entertained. Your house will never be clean and tidy AT THE SAME TIME until they have left home. And then you'll miss them.

He needs to relax and pull his own weight and until such time as he does you're all going to be bloody miserable.

AnyFucker Wed 23-May-12 21:45:37

I agree with you, OP

your husband is a cunt

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 21:47:28

I am not saying I get nothing done around the house, just that what I do doesn't seem good enough.
Today I have got the kids breakfast, supervised washing and dressing, got them to pre school, tidied up their toys and swept/mopped floor, put 2 loads of washing on, been to the shop for milk, been to the bank, washed breakfast stuff, walked dog, collected kids from pre school, given them lunch, taken them to the park with a friend, come home and given them a snack while I get their tea ready, then DH came home. I have then cleared up after their tea, bathed and read story to them and put them to bed.
That is a fairly typical day.

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 21:48:54

Also meant to say thank you to everyone for being so nice, especially as this is my first aibu!

Tell him that my dh was totally involved in parenting our three dses (and they were one at a time, not twins, which is way more work) - he did a lot and still does - and as a result, he has a really good relationship with the boys and they know how much he loves them. And he would have missed out on so much good stuff, if he hadn't been involved and caring.

Plus I have suffered from depression (initially we thought it was PND after each boy, but have realised it is much more long term than that and stems from my childhood), so even though I am a SAHM, I don't do as much housework as I should - and he has picked up the slack, despite the long hours and responsible job he has. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for this.

Tell him it is perfectly possible for a man to wash, iron, cook, change nappies, play with babies, wield a hoover - and that his testicles will not shrivel up and drop off.

And if he won't listen to you, he's an arse.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 23-May-12 21:50:53

You don't have to explain yourself.

You could have spent the day on your backside whistling dixy and it doesn't give him the right to come in a start swearing and dictating.

You sound like a wonderful mum though and it's a shame he cannot appreciate you.

Nanny0gg Wed 23-May-12 21:51:19

Just point out to your husband that he is not your boss.
Therefore you will plan out your day/work as it suits you and if he doesn't like it he can do the other thing.

And that it's about time he showed a bit of interest in his children.

GetTheeToANunnery Wed 23-May-12 21:51:32

Sounds like you do more than enough! It's not us you have to justify it to though is it. Your husband should appreciate everything you do. I really think you need to talk to him about this again, if he does kick off or whatever then let him and don't respond until he's finished. Make him realise what a dick he is for getting wound up over housework.

molschambers Wed 23-May-12 21:51:52

Sounds like a pretty typical SAHM day to me. The kids have had a great time and you've buzzed around doing what you can when they were at pre-school. It is hard to do it all. I never managed it - my friends said the same.

Still think your DH is being a twat.

MooBaaWoofCheep Wed 23-May-12 21:58:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 22:00:19

It doesn't matter a squat about what state the house is in - there is never, ever, ever any excuse for your husband to speak to you in that way.

NEVER.

McHappyPants2012 Wed 23-May-12 22:01:43

i would hope he pays you then, I mean cleaner is approx £10 per hour a nanny between £200 ~ £400 per week and that 50 hours ( there is 168 hours in a week) also pay you a proper chefs wage and the list is endless

HeartsLovesTheDiamondJubilee Wed 23-May-12 22:01:49

OP you said ^^ up there that your DH comes in and starts doing the washing up in an OCD way if you haven't (understandably) gotten around to it yet.

WHAT A SHAME for him that he chooses that sort of activity over say reading to his children. Or romping around on the floor. Or zooming cars around, playing with dolls, even watching a bit of crappy telly with them. Whatever.

Is he just not paternal? Does he not realise how fleeting these precious years are?

Obviously not.

I wonder if you could help him see the light... although he is such a twunt I don't know if you should bother....

leguminous Wed 23-May-12 22:08:18

Another YANBU. Cunty McKnobhead to the nth degree.

AblativeAbsolute Wed 23-May-12 22:13:52

I'm staggered that the idea still seems to exist that you keep the house clean for your husband. I'm a SAHM and I do try to keep the house in a sort of reasonable state, but I do this so that it's a nicer place to be for all of us/my kids learn some degree of tidiness/we don't all catch cholera (oh ok, it's really in case anyone drops by unannounced). It would never cross my mind that I was doing housework for my husband.

dawnpreview Wed 23-May-12 22:15:37

Hearts- he does sometimes play with them a bit when he comes home. But generally likes to get a coffee and then disappear upstairs for half hour to an hour to have a bath. He may then engage with them if they are interested, but more often than not it is mummy they want. He takes it very personally when they don't want to go to him, especially times when they say 'i don't like you daddy'. (they say it to me as well, usually after they have been told off!)
He will let them play rough with him, and then when they end up getting too rough he will shout at them. They are 4, they don't understand that sometimes it is ok and other times it isn't. Last night one of them headbutted him and got called an idiot. Then had to stop the other twin copying and calling his brother an idiot. And DH wonders why the kids have started saying to him 'you're stupid' sad

"Maybe this is normal?"

Yes it is. For a husband who is a cunt.

When my dad called my mum a bloody idiot I was about 7. I have never forgotten it.

lowestpriority Wed 23-May-12 22:32:09

What really makes me grind my teeth nowadays is the way SAHMs are treated like leeches on society. when did it become a bad thing that you stay at home and look after your own DCs?
OP.....do you think your DH would treat you with more respect if you wer out of te house all day long working somewhere else?
If the answer is yes I find that really sad.

FeakAndWeeble Wed 23-May-12 22:33:17

OP, do you want to be with this man? Do you think he would agree to attending counselling or something to deal with his anger issues and the problems between the two of you, or do you think that the way that things are now are the way that they will always be?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 13:43:41

Well hi ladies. Exhausted Dad here, some times called Cunt of a Husband. Not here to defend any crap attitudes by blokes who do not understand that life can be pretty tuff as a stay at home mum. But when I start at 0500 and work till 1800 plus, to return home and in the EXHAUSTION of both husband and wife day I am called, "A cunt of a husband", a fella should ask himself what he did to be addressed and more importantly thought of by his soul mate in such a way. Firstly I am a fella who does not swear, so a girl that chooses to use the "C" word must have been a bad marriage chose.(that better change) I ask my self this very question when I am verbally assaulted and addressed as the C**" of a husband. Hey I know I am not. Can I please support us blokes in saying. I, and many blokes are taught we are the bread winners. It is our responsibility to provide for our family. As a fella let me tell you that we do not bring many of the problems from work home. As crazy and inappropriate as that may seem, blokes need to feel strong. We need to feel we are capable of supporting our brood. The ole Alpha Male thing. Lots of problems are bottled up, and are not going to be shared. It's just how it is. A fella needs to learn how to cope with that and be a great dad and "c**t of a husband. Tough job.
So when you are banding together in your internet world just remember that it may not be as simple as your single track assessment of how the world ticks. I have been married for nearly 30 years, couple of kids and life is still tough. good luck. aint all about you.

Well that's you lot told!
Get back to the kitchen sink ladies and know your place.
gringringringringringrin

TuffEric Wed 22-May-13 13:51:42

My husband works long hours in a stressful job. I work part time (4 days). He always helps out with OUR DD and also does what he can around the house. If I ever ask him to do anything to help, he always does, without moaning, because it's OUR house and OUR family. YANBU. Plus, that is a horrible way to refer to your family. Aside from the other issues, he should not be speaking about you and your DC in that way.

ThingummyBob Wed 22-May-13 13:52:17

hmm weird zombie thread revival.

If you are the husband of the original poster what exactly are you hoping to achieve by bringing up a thread which your wife wrote a year ago?

To me it would only serve to prove you are, in fact, a cunt.

If you are not the husband then here, have a biscuit and calm the fuck down dear.

pictish Wed 22-May-13 13:56:22

Well exhausteddad - your wife seems to have a list of complaints that mark you down as a lazy, self important, rude, advantage taking waste of time, with zero respect for your wife, and little time for your kids.

Whereas your complaint seems to be that she called you a cunt.

hmm

TuffEric Wed 22-May-13 14:01:37

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????!!!
That must be a joke, surely? Please?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:07:04

Well hi ladies. Exhausted Dad here, some times called Cunt of a Husband. Not here to defend any crap attitudes by blokes who do not understand that life can be pretty tuff as a stay at home mum. But when I start at 0500 and work till 1800 plus, to return home and in the EXHAUSTION of both husband and wife day I am called, "A cunt of a husband", a fella should ask himself what he did to be addressed and more importantly thought of by his soul mate in such a way. Firstly I am a fella who does not swear, so a girl that chooses to use the "C" word must have been a bad marriage chose.(that better change) I ask my self this very question when I am verbally assaulted and addressed as the C**" of a husband. Hey I know I am not. Can I please support us blokes in saying. I, and many blokes are taught we are the bread winners. It is our responsibility to provide for our family. As a fella let me tell you that we do not bring many of the problems from work home. As crazy and inappropriate as that may seem, blokes need to feel strong. We need to feel we are capable of supporting our brood. The ole Alpha Male thing. Lots of problems are bottled up, and are not going to be shared. It's just how it is. A fella needs to learn how to cope with that and be a great dad and "c**t of a husband. Tough job.
So when you are banding together in your internet world just remember that it may not be as simple as your single track assessment of how the world ticks. I have been married for nearly 30 years, couple of kids and life is still tough. good luck. aint all about you.

WTF?! confused

pictish Wed 22-May-13 14:11:11

So you said.
Your attitude was old hat in the 50s. Having a job does not excuse you from hoursework or childcare. Neither does having a penis. Got that?

And again...you seem to be focusing on being called a cunt, as though that compares to living with Al Bundy.

I think we saw it the first time, mate gringringringrin

pictish Wed 22-May-13 14:14:28

Tell us again if you like. I can be incredulous a third time.

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:15:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ThingummyBob Wed 22-May-13 14:17:53

wtf again grin

Are you so ExhaustedDad that you haven't even read the thread you have posted on?!

Leverette Wed 22-May-13 14:18:53

Reported for shit stirring and personal attack.

pictish Wed 22-May-13 14:19:15

Read the thread for some insight.

ThingummyBob Wed 22-May-13 14:19:58

He must be another cunt of a husband I've decided.

That's two in a year, it must be getting worse shock

pictish Wed 22-May-13 14:20:14

And you break records for your wife in bed?
If I'm a politician you can be my spin. grin

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:20:24

All who may be reading - Pictish may (or may not) have more serios hate male issues. If this blog is is to question and possibly understand the complexities of life and even harder married life, I would suggest Pictish comments are seriously disregarded.

Blog?
gringringrin

TippiShagpile Wed 22-May-13 14:21:48

"fella"

<snort>

ThingummyBob Wed 22-May-13 14:23:56

Yes dad I'm completely inclined to ignore a long standing and respected poster in favour of your fervid rantings and stealth boasting of your err, umm, prowess, shall we say wink

bisley Wed 22-May-13 14:24:56

What marvellously pompous nonsense grin

NishiNoUsagi Wed 22-May-13 14:25:40

ExhaustedDad OK, I think some people assumed that you were the husband of the OP (The person who started this thread). Hence the shedloads of wtfs..

Clearly you're not (I hope!), as you say in your post above that you work long hours and do lots around the house. Are you saying that despite that your wife is insulting you? It might be better to start a new thread to get some advice, as adding on to this one is a bit confusing. If it helps there have been a lot of threads started by men/fathers who have received some great advice and not faced any man hating. Hope that helps..

Yeah, pictish. You and your serios man hating ishooos grin

Are you the ops cunt of a husband?

And what is the point of posting this a year later?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:27:20

There are always those that have a one sided, opinion and no matter the debate or positives in suggestion will revert to foul, obscene, unintelligent, remarks. Happy to be a father and husband that works hard at home and at work to support his loved ones. Sorry for the small minded that cant see the positive comments intend. Hope your life improves,

NishiNoUsagi Wed 22-May-13 14:27:53

^^ Haha sorry, I just read that back and it sounds like I'm saying man-hating would be the norm, when that's absolutely not the case. I've always found mn resolutely anti-wanker, regardless of sex. grin

Jengnr Wed 22-May-13 14:28:31

It looks like you're too exhausted to even be coherent.

OP, your husband is a cunt. If that's you exhausted dad then so be it. If you behave in a cuntish manner don't be shocked when it's pointed out.

pictish take your man hating "Ishoos" elsewhere.

Exhusteddad said so.

May I just if you are not the ops husband then there must be 2 cunting husbands on this thread.

And...no one cares how much housework you do.
No one asked you back in 2012 did they?

Oh my life is just fine Big Daddy gringringrin

pictish Wed 22-May-13 14:32:17

Lol ok. I shall take my serios man hating ishoooos out to the garden, as the weather is lovely. May as well hate men in the sun.

bisley Wed 22-May-13 14:36:28

ExhaustedDad, are you aware that your performance as a husband and father has absolutely no bearing on the OP's situation?

What exactly is your point?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:38:09

HI NishiNoUsagi,
Yes, You are very correct. (clearly I am not). True creating new blog would interesting, then again with "pictish" professionals out there not what we should be seeking. Unless we are looking for how to destroy and not how to make good a marriage.

confused

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 14:48:33

somebody asked

lisac99 Wed 22-May-13 14:49:58

'I, and many blokes are taught we are the bread winners.'

'The ole Alpha Male thing.'

That's a shame. I was taught by my parents that I could be a breadwinner if I wanted to be, a Mother if I wanted to be, a Wife if I wanted to be. I wasn't aware as a woman I wasn't allowed to provide for a family due to being female.

The ole Feminism thing.......

Who asked you? In 2012? Or even today?

ScrambledSmegs Wed 22-May-13 15:03:00

This isn't a blog confused

Are you new to this forum malarkey, ExhaustedDad?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:10:04

lisac99

so many options....lucky you --..as a young bloke we didn't get the Mother option, the wife option the SAHM option. We were educated only to be a breadwinner, to get a job and support our family. Options - cripey must only be in the "I am female, I am greater" book of life.
If there is one for how to cope with "I am a dad, a husband" let me know.
Somebody has said you weren't allowed to provided for your family because you are female. When, who, they are wrong.
SAHD..bring it......

MatersMate Wed 22-May-13 15:12:31

exhausted do you not agree a Father that calls his children dickheads and idiots is a cunt?

MatersMate Wed 22-May-13 15:13:05

If you are not a cunt of a father/Husband, why are you getting so irate?

Jengnr Wed 22-May-13 15:15:57

Exhausted dad, rule one of how to make a good marriage is 'Don't be a cunt'

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:19:36

rule one is anyone who uses language which includes C*^t is likely not a good parent.

MatersMate Wed 22-May-13 15:20:27

that makes the whole of MN shite then grin

Rindercella Wed 22-May-13 15:21:18

Oh do be quiet, you silly man. Relationships and parenthood tend to work best when there is balance, respect and communication. Partnership, if you like. You and your partner work out what is best for everyone in your house.

If you are really the husband, you would be better off keeping your barely coherent ramblings to yourself and use your time addressing the issues you so clearly have.

Hth smile

You can say Cunt you know?

If you don't like the word, don't use it. But putting little *s and ^s doesn't change the fact that the word you are actually using is cunt.

And, FWIW, the use of the word cunt and the ability to be a good parent are not connected.
Using the word in adult conversation or on an adult forum does not make you a "bad parent"
Otherwise we could say things like "rule 1. Anyone who resurrects an old thread with a load of irelevant bullshit is likely to have poor communication skills and therefore a terrible parent"

HTH

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:36:36

the original comment was "just like the rest of them".
we should ask
did he have a bad day at work.?(who was the remark directed)
did he experience bad traffic?
Sure it would seem he had issues and needed (in 2012)to address them,
(if the comments were honest)
And all fathers should be supportive not derogatory to there wife and children. If a father was to call his children DH, then he would be the biggest loser. But did he
C*^t no. This term dating back to 1325 refers to female genitalia, and references too same , so obviously the father / husband is not a C*^t

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:37:12

never irate -
calculated yes

Labootin Wed 22-May-13 15:40:22

How very odd
Exhausteddad you write like a spambot.

It matters not one jot if DH has had the worst day ever. No one has the right to verbally abuse their spouse. Not ever. It is not OK.

Calculated? Incoherent more like.

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 15:44:12

ExhaustedDad - what made you decide to visit Mumsnet and resurrect a thread that is a year old? You can't have just happened upon it by chance.

Bad traffic would not make me call refer to my family as dickheads... IN FRONT OF THEM

But if I was a cunt then I might try and pin it on that/a bad day etc to ditract from the fact that I'm a cunt.

OP, hope you're ok.

Just go on strike, as best you can. Either that or leave the ungrateful cunt.

*call/refer - one or the other grin

Is this a year old? Ah shit I wasted another 5 minutes on MN that I could've used studying....for my degree...so I can be a breadwinner shock

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:54:25

Pretendercella

I have / am a husband of 30 years.
silly man - sometime -yes
you state the obvious - relationships (partnerships) are best worked out in the house.
but you are here with so many making comments and opinions. contradictory don't you think

If I am really which husband.........???
If my barely coherent ramblings are difficult for you, http://thesaurus.com/
may help, (may not). Issues. I now realise there others who have limited vocabulary op for uneducated vulgar.
Issues I have... yes you are correct. I should look at these. Which car to sell. do I have to many homes. where to holiday.
I hate isues

LtEveDallas Wed 22-May-13 15:54:53

As a young bloke we didn't get the Mother option, the wife option the SAHM option. We were educated only to be a breadwinner, to get a job and support our family

How old are you? My husband is 48 and has happily been a SAHD for 8 years now. We were both breadwinners, and now I'm the breadwinner. He doesn't have a problem with it, why would you?

BalloonSlayer Wed 22-May-13 15:55:27

So you are proposing that it is perfectly OK to call your wife, children and even the dog "dickheads" because the traffic is bad, but absolutely appalling to call someone a "cunt" because they do nothing around the house, constantly insult you by calling you lazy, speak inappropriately to the children and call you a dickhead because "the traffic is bad."

< whispers > you do realise "dick" is a reference to male genitalia, don't you?

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 15:58:43

I still want to know how ED got here in the first place.

Did he perhaps Google the words 'husband' and 'cunt' in order to find somewhere to be outraged?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 15:59:17

dont drink, dont smoke
want to try again

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:00:39

ED is researching
Interesting lot.

LtEveDallas Wed 22-May-13 16:03:09

don't drink, don't smoke what do you do

Oh Dear God, Exhausted Dad is Adam Ant - no wonder he's not making any sense grin

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:05:32

No LtEve, it's all for his 'research' grin

Exhusteddad, are you smoking weed or something?

Because you are talking bollocks. Maybe it sounds like a coherent post to you, inside your own head, I can assure you it is not.
Even to foul mouthed, uneducated people confused

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 16:09:03

You're a funny onion aren't you, ExhaustedDad ?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:11:31

LtEveDallas

54 yrs if it matters.
do you think you would have became the "breadwinner" when the children were first born? Or only now 8 years ago.
My children are independent, and I have always supported my wife in her options.
Apologies, don't recall stating I had a problem with SAHD.
Bring It! (I would love it)

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:13:00

What research, ED? Can we look forward to it being published somewhere?

Bring what?

MatersMate Wed 22-May-13 16:16:31

Exhaust Do you care to answer the question as to how you happened on a year old thread?

He's researching maters

MatersMate Wed 22-May-13 16:18:44

Researching 'cunty husbands and their pissed off wives'?

I think just cunty husbands.

chipmonkey Wed 22-May-13 16:20:40

If my husband were trawling through my posts from a year ago, I would think he was a controlling, stalking cunt. I would probably Leave The Bastard.

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:20:55

Aha! *ED* <childish>

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:24:53

MatersMate
I have "happened" onto approx 20 plus threads per day. Interestingly this was 12 months old and it sprang to life. unexpected but bled it anyway
BoreOfWhabylon,
when I am outraged the internet would be my last option.
this is a six month research exercise with a monthto go - thank god.

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:27:58

Oooooh serious research!

Twenty threads per day for six months. Gosh.

Have you reached any conclusions yet, ED?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:29:30

TantrumsAndBalloons

great comments - will certainly share with the group. Intelligent

Your weed smoking "group"?

Are they all as wonderfully intelligent and well written as yourself?

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:33:25

What is this group of which you speak, ED?

And could their, ahem... activities have anything to do with the recent upsurge in bumping of old threads and rather odd posts from new posters, I wonder?

CherylTrole Wed 22-May-13 16:33:43

ED <<creepy wee man>>Where you trying and failing to say Bring It ONNNN?
dawnpreview how are you? Did you LTC ?!

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:38:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:42:09

Similar to my own what? I have no recorded data pertinent to Mumsnet <better things to do with my time>

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:46:19

So your group has stealthily infiltrated Mumsnet with a mission to examine 20 threads per day each, to be 'shared' with the group? Is that right?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:47:54

CherylTrole

May be "Bring it ONNNNN" in your world,
In our base jumping family - we refer to it as "Bring It!"

Failed nothing - > Trole> TRoll>(

Winning is living - everything else is just waiting.
Enjoy your life

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 16:52:25

Thanks for your time
Now you can thank me for mine
After that's said
forget.

ciao

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:53:21

Base-jumping mumsnet-infiltrators?!!

LtEveDallas Wed 22-May-13 16:53:28

do you think you would have became the "breadwinner" when the children were first born? Or only now 8 years ago

I did become the breadwinner when the children was first born. DD is 8. DH has been a SAHD since she was 6 mths old.

I questioned your statement about you 'not having the option' to be a SAHD, being 'educated only to be the breadwinner'. DH is only a few years younger than you but he was obviously better educated then.

Do you think we are your employees? Now we can thank you?
For what, exactly, your time?
Did anyone ask for you to resurrect this thread?
You weirdo smile

BoreOfWhabylon Wed 22-May-13 16:55:40

Italian base-jumping Mumsnet-infiltrators grin

BerylStreep Wed 22-May-13 16:57:01

He sounds a bit under the weather.

Bumpsadaisie Wed 22-May-13 16:58:52

Why wouldn't he want to read his kids a story? They're his children for goodness sake! Doesn't he want them to remember cosy stories with dad when they're older?

When my DH gets home he takes over with stories and bedtime. I go downstairs and tidy up which is more of a drudgery job but I actually enjoy the time alone and being able to get it done without the kids under my feet. And DH is delighted to see the kids whereas by that time I am running out I steam with them.

It's a win win for us both. I go up for cuddles and song once DH has done jamas and story.

"Winning is living"

Well you didn't win here ED...are you dead now?

quoteunquote Wed 22-May-13 17:14:46

This guy is ringing bells,

I'm on my phone so can't look him up easily

Did you contribute to a radio 4 program recently ed?

And do you have a book out?

Something about user wives and the unfairness of the gender roles?

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 17:17:26

LtEveDallas

I certainly had the option, although being raised in the outback blokes were meant to be blokes.
When earning well above the norm per yr. it is hard to give it up.
Unfortunately my beautiful wife cant earn same so she is the SAHP.
But of course has the option to entertain any paid or unpaid venture she wishes.

Obviously your salary betters the hubbie, and his "better" education didn't find him on more negotiable terms of contract. Being as he is better educated than myself, if he ever needs employment drop me a post. Never no when we need a new CEO.

In approx 92% of situations where families have SAHD it is a Monetary driven decision.

ExhaustedDad Wed 22-May-13 17:20:36

didn't I?

Whatalotofpiffle Wed 22-May-13 17:26:19

What a prat. hmm

sunshine401 Wed 22-May-13 17:28:57

YANBU to feel greatly annoyed and unappreciated, yabu to call him a "see you next Tuesday". Horrible word.

You need to have very harsh words with him and tell him how you are feeling. Open up to each other, clearly you both feel unappreciated right now.
Do it asap before it carries on building up and destroys your relationship.

Clearly not.

If you had won we would all be posting "what a wonderful, insightful, coherent, perfect man ED is

<checks thread>

Nope. Sorry

LtEveDallas Wed 22-May-13 17:29:25

Well my 'bloke' certainly is a 'bloke' - spending 22 years in the Army certainly qualifies him for that moniker.

He doesn't need to go back to work - the pension is more than adequate thanks, as will mine be smile

He chose to be at home with DD - he wanted to watch her grow and have more time with her. He was educated well enough to know that it doesn't have to be the woman at home, and that his contribution to our family was worth more than a wage. Money isn't everything you know.

CherylTrole Wed 22-May-13 18:45:19

ED you give me the creeps.

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 19:05:39

I hope I am going to feature in ExhaustedDad's research. I would think I wasn't doing my job properly if I didn't

corblimeymadam Wed 22-May-13 19:20:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniTime Wed 22-May-13 20:11:07

How strange - this thread is from 2012.

NamelessMcNally Wed 22-May-13 20:11:46

I don't think you will AF as you are clearly not a lady what with being a fucker.

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 20:44:36

bugger

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