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Aspergers Hubbies - is there an opposite condition?

(111 Posts)

Have a lovely husband. Really, a lovely man. Everything I suck at, he's great at, and vice versa - we should have the happiest marriage because we complement each other perfectly...

...only, he's sooooo Aspie it's astonishing - and I am, well, the opposite.

It's all come to a head (after ten years and three kids) and I started looking into separating, the lack of affection and refusal to compromise has worn me down, and I gave up trying. But, by Jove, that did the trick!!!

So, now, he's actually listened to me, to what I need and how I'd like it if we were a team. We sat and talked for an hour, instead of him going and buying compost, which is what he wanted to do. Seriously, that's a first! He said he loves me, that he wants me and he will do anything to sort it out - he's genuinely not realised how unhappy I have been. Which is remarkable symptomatic.

I persuaded him to take the AQ test - he scored 37, anything above 32 suggests aspie tendancies. Average score is 16. He challenged me to take the same test - my test result is 4.

So, he's one end of the spectrum, and I am the other. He says that is a disorder just like aspergers, only sregrepsa...

It'd be bloody marvellous if there is a "label" for being opposite of aspie, he'd really understand that!

Anyone heard of anything as bonkers like being TOO empathetic?

Am chuffed to bits, I really love the eejit man.

foolonthehill Sat 19-May-12 13:18:40

this is why we hate it when angry abusive men are accused of being Aspie...because a man with Asperger's type traits is capable of love, of learning the ways to please his (or her) partner and responding to direction....the abuser may understand but does not care...

I am soooo chuffed for you my baby, and I think you should name the opposite of aspie after yourself "mybabyweight" syndrome!!

I hope that you can continue your dialogue. As you help him understand you, and you continue to gain insight into communicating with him I hope you will go from strength to strength. Just remember you will have to keep telling him what you need...he won't be able to "read" it. He is not you....

MushroomSoup Sat 19-May-12 13:22:43

Lol my son is Aspergers and my friend once worked with an Aspie man. He was great - he understood his own condition so well that at his job interview he said "I have Aspergers. I don't read social cues and I have no empathy with anyone! But I'm a bloody hard worker and I will do whatever you tell me you want doing. If I do it wrong, you must tell me directly. If you want something different doing, tell me directly. Don't think I will be able to tell what you are feeling by a veiled conversation or eye rolling. Be blunt with me - it won't sound rude to me, it will make sense."
Boss says he is one of the best employees he's ever had!
Your post made me think of him - maybe that's how you need to deal with DH? If he knows what you need/want he's more able to do it.

Thanks for the messages!

I do feel really uplifted, for years and years I've been banging my head against a brick wall with him. He's a good and kind man, just Doesn't See Emotional Stuff.

We had an "incident" a couple of days after our third kid was born. I wasn't very well, and collapsed in the shower, falling out the bath and onto the floor. I came to, to find him stepping over my naked, unconcious body to get toothbrushes for the kids...for a long time I seethed about that, turned out I had a bit of retained placenta - but, if I'd been having a stroke...if I'm honest, I still haven't quite managed to forgive him. NOW I understand that he didn't know what to do - so, he did what he DID know, which was get the kids ready for school.

So, I've spent the last four years trying to make it easy for him - I wrote him a Standard Operating Procedure For Your Wife ("if I say this - I mean give me a hug) but he thought it was self indulgent twaddle.

However, there does come a point where the conclusion must be drawn that this clever man, who can learn to do anything with ease - is using sheer stubborness to Not Try To Meet Me Halfway.

I've boiled it down to 1. greet me before the children. 2. make me a cup of tea in the morning 3. give me a minimum of five minutes of conversation, where you ask me questions and initiate chat, a day 4. accept that I am more sociable and need to go out once a week, not necessarily together 5. date night on a Friday.

That's not worked. He's ignored it. Until today!

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 14:52:37

The "opposite of Asperger's" is sometimes said to be Williams Syndrome. It's a very rare chromosome deletion disorder. It comes with a certain face and assorted physical defects. You'd know if you had it!

Your AQ score is really low - I'm envious! All it means is you're very social, disorganised, etc. Are you artistic? Good of you to plug away with DH training, imo - no reason why it shouldn't work unless he is an arse as well as an Aspie. Good luck smile

Lizzabadger Sat 19-May-12 15:24:03

I am sure you don't have Williams Syndrome! smile ASD and Williams Syndrome are sometimes described in the literature as opposites but this is based on caricatures of the two conditions, really, and breaks down when you look in more detail. You can certainly see autistic traits in some individuals with WS.
You might want to look at Simon Baron-Cohen's work on extreme male (systematizing) and female (empathising) brains. He wrote a popular book called something like "The Essential Difference"

edam Sat 19-May-12 15:29:28

No idea about the answer to your question but it sounds like you are making huge progress with your dh so ruddy well done that woman.

Are you sure the AQ test is about a spectrum from 'opposite of Aspergers' to 'Aspergers'? It could just be a 'no sign of Aspergers' to 'Aspergers. The average human being might be at one end, not in the middle.

Lizzabadger Sat 19-May-12 16:24:31

The mean AQ score for neurotypical females is around 15, (standard deviation around 5 I think) so the op's score of 4 does indeed look like "opposite of Aspergers"/extreme empathiser.

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 16:33:37

Heh, we're all autistic in varying degrees. It's just that it becomes 'abnormal' at points where the individual's functioning is markedly affected. If you want to look at opposites, though ... another condition that's sometimes called the opposite of Asperger's is Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, PDs aren't standalone conditions - they're personalities with some aspects exaggerated and other aspects impaired.

As a meandering aside: I have no idea whether anybody's tried to correlate the criteria for BPD with those for Asperger's. Could be interesting - or a complete non-starter, I dunno grin

OP, you and H must be the original "Mr Chalk & Mrs Cheese"!

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 16:38:02

Lizzabadger, I loathe SB-C's characterisation of 'male' and 'female' brains. (I know he lavished it with caveats, but still.) Quite possibly because I score at the top end of 'normal' on AQ tests, but consider myself averagely female & empathetic! Grrr.

Yep, Garlic - I am disorganised, in that things get done but at the last minute and whilst there is a system, it's invisible to everyone but me. I am artistic, - I paint and draw and sew and knit and can turn my hand to pretty much anything. I am empathetic, to the point that watching the news reduces me to tears daily. And sociable, I like seeing people and I remember lots of details about their lives and have never had a problem recalling people's names.

I don't mean that I'm a wailing mess when I watch the news - but my eyes just sort of leak when I think about some people's situation, I'm not sobbing, it's just a sort of filling of my eyes. An old boyfriend once said "you just really like to feel people's pain" which was harsh, but fair.

I'm delighted with the new labels to read up on. Honestly, if DH gets to reference my behaviour to borderline personality disorder he'll be thrilled!

And, yes, we are chalk and cheese. Frankly, we have nothing in common and on paper we shouldn't be together.

He's a smasher though. Peculiar, but a smasher!

Lizzabadger Sat 19-May-12 18:05:58

Garlic - I hate it too and in general I think S B-C spins grand stories out of very little evidence. Thought it might be of interest to the OP though and am trying to be unbiased.

Fwiw I score at the top end of normal on the AQ too (I think being introverted gets me quite a few points) but I rely on reasonable levels of empathy to be able to do my job! The whole concept of autism (spectrum) is falling apart at the seams a bit, if you ask me, but that is a whole other discussion. Pat Howlin has done one or two interesting opinion pieces.

Lizzabadger Sat 19-May-12 18:09:47

Garlic- Hadn't heard BPD mentioned as opposite of Asperger's - will look into it. Not sure though - surely the opposite of emotional instability (~BPD) is emotional stability not Asp.

OP - you and your DH sound like you make a good team!

AmberLeaf Sat 19-May-12 18:27:22

Heh, we're all autistic in varying degrees

No, really we're not!

It's just that it becomes 'abnormal' at points where the individual's functioning is markedly affected

No it becomes autism at points where the individuals functioning is affected.

AmberLeaf Sat 19-May-12 18:28:14

Sorry OP;

Well done on the progress you and your DH have made. smile

HairyBeaver Sat 19-May-12 18:41:46

Hi everyone, I've just done the test on myself and scored a 30 does anyone know what that means??

mumblechum1 Sat 19-May-12 18:52:02

It's interesting, isn't it? I've just scored 9 which is surprising because I always think I have a male brain in a woman's body!

21YrOldMan Sat 19-May-12 20:35:42

Just to jump in here, as someone who dated someone who exhibited a lot of BPD traits, BPD is NOT the opposite of aspergers! And if you had BPD, trust me, you wouldn't have been in a relationship with him for more than 6 months. BPD sufferers have a tendency to push away their partners to "check" how much they love them. I don't see that working out in marriage if your partner has aspergers!

PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 21:28:14

Op you sound like me!

Id be interested to do the test if it you can link it?

HairyBeaver Sat 19-May-12 21:32:23

PooPoo just google aq test smile

PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 21:44:16

I got 5.

Taffeta Sat 19-May-12 21:55:58

I got 6.

PorkyandBess Sat 19-May-12 21:58:44

We have just done that test.

Dh got 14, I got 5.

PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 21:59:58

My dh got 26!

HairyBeaver Sat 19-May-12 22:00:04

I got 30 sad

NameChangeaGoGo Sat 19-May-12 22:00:21


PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 22:02:20

Hairy. 30 isn't that high i don't think.

katcatkat Sat 19-May-12 22:02:27

I have diagnosed bpd and probable aspergers as well and know that the are not opposites.
I am married to a guy that is probable aspergers and it can work but it's not easy

PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 22:03:47

I've never understood bpd. What are the main characteristics?

katcatkat Sat 19-May-12 22:10:40

It's modern name is emotionally unstable personality disorder. It means I find it hard to control emotions and often do inappropriate things.
Many people with the condition self harm or abuse drugs/alcohol. Many people have w history of abuse in childhood.

I got 16 but thought the test was a load of old cock as most of the questions were either 'Couldn't care less' or 'don't know' as far as I was concerned.

I've often thought that extremely empathetic partners go well with AS partners, as they forgive them & learn about the condition (if they didn't know about it beforehand). When DS2 was diagnosed with ASD, I started wondering whether DH has AS. I would describe myself much like you, OP. I think if I wasn't like that, I would have told DH to shove off eons ago (we've been together 27 years). I once collapsed in the bathroom too (think I had swine flu, but was trying to carry on regardless). DH's response was to ask for DS2's respite home's number so he could take him there as there was no way he could stay at home if I wasn't well! My friends think I have the patience of a saint etc, but I just love him for his good points, though it has been very tough at times.

I have also heard of couples where both partners have AS, and can see how that might work too.

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 22:27:53

Can I just stress I'm not proposing BPD as an "opposite" of anything? I repeated what I've heard said fairly frequently, about both Williams Syndrome and BPD, by people who are not experts. That's all smile

Amber, autism is a diagnosis (or diagnoses). I have some very strong 'autistic' characteristics but am not autistic because I don't have a full set. I'm social, empathetic, etc; also prone to systemising, obsessing and hyperfocusing. I realise it offends you when people write imprecisely about autism (and I've probably expressed that imprecisely, too!) so please accept I have no wish to annoy you.

OP - you sound lovely smile I am envious, actually, but I guess I'll just have to settle for being crap with names/faces although great at learning tons of stuff in one go. The news often makes me sad but I've NEVER cried at it! [hard-faced cow emoticon]

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 22:29:24

Cheapskatemum and OP, I think you are saints grin

mercury7 Sat 19-May-12 22:47:03

I scored 35

devilinside Sat 19-May-12 22:51:27

So, if people with ASD are lacking in empathy, why are they not all psychopaths then? sorry, I hate all this aspie = no empathy.

I believe empathy is on a spectrum, and people with asd are just as likely to have it as NTs (just that we may find it harder to show it)

mercury7 Sat 19-May-12 22:55:20

I think I have bucket loads of empathy, so much that I find people overwhelming and prefer to spend most of my time alone confused
Solitary habits apparently lead to high scores on that thar test

aleto Sun 20-May-12 08:20:58

DH scored 47 on the AQ test and I scored 9. I am very empathetic but staying with him has been very hard and I have often felt like walking away.
We have known for the last few years that he has Aspergers but haven't yet sought a formal diagnosis. Just knowing what has caused all the difficulties in our marriage has been a relief and like the OP and Cheapskatemum I now have ways of dealing with Dh that I wish I'd had 20 years ago!

Wow, so there's a few chalks and cheeses! That's really good to hear, I'd be lying if I said me and DH were a perfect fit - it's bloody hard work most of the time, but getting easier. Mainly because I'm too stubborn to leave the bastard, ha ha ha

For instance, DD is in hospital. Should get home today, she's ok, just another asthma attack. It would not occur to DH to take time off work, to sort childcare or to visit her. In fact, when DS1 was 10 weeks old he was in hospital for a week, and proper poorly in HDU. DH didn't visit because "he's unconscious, there's no point" and was outraged that I wanted him to come for MY sake because "what am I supposed to do with dd?"

Took me a loooong time to process that one. I thought he was an utterly selfish tosser for years.

Though, to be fair, he is a bit of a selfish tosser too. Most folk blessed with a Y chromosome are, right?

Anyhoo, glad I checked on here before going back to the ward. Cheered me up. Perhaps we should start a club - Poles aPart Partners?

And, actually, see what you are saying about how folk like me are all very nice?

It's not that, it's more that given that DH doesn't need people. He'd live like a hermit quite happily... but, he chose to share his life with me. And that's very flattering.

And I'm a sucker for flattery.

spendthrift Sun 20-May-12 13:50:54

Op, am about to pm you.

MoaningMinnieRisesAgain Sun 20-May-12 14:40:26

hmm I got 33 but I do not feel I have AS traits especially - I empathise etc but I just hate change and not keen on being sociable.

I certainly recognise some AS traits in DH but again I don't think he actually has AS at all, he is just stubborn and is very picky about what social situations he is comfortable in (often the opposite of my comfort zones TBH)

naughtymummy Sun 20-May-12 14:59:40

Just got 11,a lot to do with being soltary

LongWayRound Sun 20-May-12 15:28:28

Is this the test everyone has been doing? It's the first that came up when I googled aspergers quiz, but there are others.

I got 30, FWIW.

Some0ne Sun 20-May-12 21:55:19

41. That's oddly reassuring, I always thought I was just crap but now maybe I have an excuse grin

overtherainbow2 Sun 20-May-12 23:44:00

This thread has made me feel so emotional reading all your stories. I have been feeling so close to leaving DH recently as I just couldn't cope with feeling so alone in our relationship. DS is borderline Aspergers and I have suspected for a long time that it is the same for DH, but somehow I expected that he should be able to rise above it as he's an adult. I think I have lots of thinking and reading to do before I throw away what is otherwise a wonderful marriage. Thank you!

lisad123 Mon 21-May-12 00:03:21

I think me and dh had same level of scores. His very high mine very low!

Hebiegebies Mon 21-May-12 00:45:06

Longwayround, I got a 9 on that test, but it seems to have a different scoring system to the one OP describes

My DH must be in the 30's if his behaviour tonight is to be explained

NadiaWadia Mon 21-May-12 03:59:24

I think that test is a load of piffle, and badly devised.

I scored 22 and I have loads of empathy (honest!) shedding tears at things on TV all the time, as the OP described. I have a good imagination, like reading fiction etc.

Yet I am very shy/bordering on social anxiety disorder, so like mercury7 said, my answers to questions on socialising pull my score upwards. Dr Baron-Cohen (? any relation?) and his team do not appear to have taken this into account and seem to be defining personality characteristics very simplisticly and rigidly. Doesn't seem very scientific to me.

Thanks, Garlicfucker, I too am a sucker for flattery! Sacha & DR are related, can't remember exactly how: great nephew & uncle, maybe?

amberlight Mon 21-May-12 20:12:37

Just background info, not aimed at anyone in particular:

Intriguingly, the AQ test is pretty much deadly accurate, when compared to the findings from full diagnostic testing. A score above 32 has very little chance of being wrong. But the test itself isn't a diagnosis, of course.

Autism doesn't mean lack of empathy. That's another myth. It means we can't show empathy using body language, and we can't see body language in order to decode what the person is thinking. If someone says 'I'm feeling really sad', we can then know what to do. So it's like saying someone who is deaf has no empathy if they can't hear your distressed tone of voice. And we react more slowly - we need time to think which words fit best. That's not lack of empathy but a problem getting what we feel to come out in the right words. The feelings are in there.

Wonderful people, aspies. Loyal, honest, determined, focused, careful....but so easily overwhelmed with sensory stuff, sudden routine changes or unspoken non verbal clues that we may miss. Nothing to do with being mean, horrible, nasty, abusive or manipulative, at all. No more chance of that than from anyone else alive.

FakeFurCoatAndThermalKnickers Mon 21-May-12 22:24:09

I scored 4.

DH scored 37.

Had never thought about him being on the Autistic Spectrum, until we had some friends round for a meal a few weeks back. They brought along a friend who was staying with them. She has a formal diagnosis of Aspergers, has had since she was a child (I know because she told me minutes after meeting me; just said 'oh, by the way, I have Aspergers, so I sometimes find social situations difficult...and if i say something that sounds rude, don't take it to heart.' ) Towards the end of the evening, she asked me when DH had been diagnosed with AS, was it as a child or as an adult...I was a bit stunned, and explained that he hadn't been. She was very apologetic, and explained that she can usually spot other Aspies, and he was just so Aspie that she thought he must know.....
Having read up a bit about it now, lots of things fall into place.

Not very sure what to do about it all now, if I'm honest. Encouraged to hear about the progress you've made, OP.

FakeFurCoatAndThermalKnickers Mon 21-May-12 22:26:20

Should clarify that i was stunned just because it had never occurred to me that DH could be autistic, and like other posters, I've had times when I'd been really hard on him thinking he was being deliberatley unfeeling...

bialystockandbloom Mon 21-May-12 23:16:24

Amberlight what a useful and illuminating post, thank you smile

ShoshanaBlue Tue 22-May-12 02:27:35

I scored 42!!! I'm not sure whether or not I did the test right, but this may be the only test I ever do well on!!!

Amberlight - thanks for that! Totally makes sense - I know that DH FEELS it, I know that he loves us and it's just that it doesn't occur to him to express it, and because he thinks it's unneccessary he doesn't think it's worth doing - even if I stipulate that I need to hear it once in a blue moon.

And, because I am emotional and needy not asperger's, if I don't get reassurance then I think that he's not saying it because he doesn't mean it, therefore he's not happy in our marriage, therefore we'd be better off cutting our losses now because he's never going to try, there's never going to be a solution to our strife and I'm not living like this forever...

...cue large temper tantrum from me, look of bemusement from him.

The good things about him are exactly as you wrote, Amber. I am going to print that off and stick it on the fridge!

He's totally reliable. It would never occur to him to have an affair - he is married. Full Stop. Why would he look at another woman? He's married!

He is very motivated, and delights in Getting Things Done. He works hard at everything he does, and excels at most of them. In fact, he excels at everything.

Truly, he's the smartest person I've ever met - he's also rude, snobby, judgemental, short tempered and objects to my taste in music and wallpaper and "No, I don't like your new dress. It's red. Prostitutes wear red dresses. I don't want my wife to wear a red dress" - cue temper tantrum from me because I LOVE my red dress because it suits my colouring, makes me look a size smaller than I actually am and I feel all vampy in it - and, it was on sale, and he knows nothing about dresses or colours and I am Not Taking It Back Because Your Are Being Ridiculous. And, what's this about prostitutes having a uniform? Mentalist. And then he gets defensive and I'm quicker witted than he is so I get the upper hand, and then he gets mean and then it's a Proper Fight...and then he won't apologise for saying I look like a prostitute, because, well, he didn't. But, I think that he was implying that (and that I wouldn't earn very much for selling my services) because I am lacking in confidence because he won't tell me that he loves me because there's no need - he married me, didn't he? It's obvious he loves me...

...and on...and on....and on...and on.... and on...into misery and separation and divorce - only, I'm far too bloody minded for that.

He's Much Happier since taking the AQ thingie. He seems to be delighted with the numbers as they suggest that whilst he might be odd, but I'm a pure weirdo.

That's fine by me. It's stopped me from looking up separation agreements and flats to rent.

Onwards and upwards!

gladiolus Tue 22-May-12 13:19:30

There are two Asperger's/autism tests, here:

and here:

The first merely indicates where you are on the Autism Quotient (AQ); the second will tell you (probably) whether you are Aspie or not.

I am 'probably' Aspie according to this test and it has made things make a lot more sense. Now I know why people react to me the way they do, and have done all my life.

I cry buckets at films and telly, but if dh says to me "How would YOU feel if I did such and such," I look at him blankly and say "I haven't a clue. Do it, and then I'll know!"

spendthrift Tue 22-May-12 22:57:36

Amberlight, echo that was an excellent summary.

Over and fake, going to pm you.

This is a fascinating thread, I've been lurking rather than contributing but there's a lot that speaks to me and my family here.

ceeveebee Tue 22-May-12 23:27:14

I got 31. I do have some traits that could be bordering on autism I guess, I don't like any change to my daily routine unless i know about it way in advance. I have a 'thing' about numbers eg will count (in my head) the number of items I am hanging out on the washing line, I add up my supermarket shop in my head. Also I know I have a habit of just interrupting and talking over people. But then I (think I) can 'read' people's expressions and I am generally quite a social person. Will get my DH to take it as I think he will be higher than me.

Fake, your extra dinner guest can spot other folk on the spectrum?

Am looooving that - kind of like GayDar, only AspieDar?


TheUnMember Wed 23-May-12 08:20:11

Current research indicates that people on the autistic spectrum actually have more empathy than those who aren't. So much so that they easily become overwealmed and shutdown as a coping method. This shutdown appears as lack of empathy to the untrained eye.

That's interesting, Un. My blokie comes across as being a cold fish most of the time, and then he surprises me.

For instance, when our own son was 10 weeks old and gravely ill in hospital - nothing. No visits, no phonecalls, "busy at work"

When Madeline McCann went missing - floods of tears. She and our DD are the same age and look similar. Now, I don't want to start a thread about the McCann's sad situation, and, of course, any parent would feel for another who had a missing child...but, for weeks, DH kept waking up screaming "where is she?"

Also, his aunt had a still born baby before DH was born. Every now and then (usually after too many vimtos) he talks about this baby cousin that he never knew adn never would know - with real grief.

Our own kids - nothing. Sad news about someone we don't know - physical and psychological distress for months...

So, what the research is suggesting makes total sense to me.

TheUnMember Wed 23-May-12 09:46:38

It supports what autistic people have been saying for ages. Unfortunately for many years researchers could only base the focus of their work on what they observed. Now as more and more autistic people are speaking out, they're beginning to realise that what is going on inside couldn't be further from what it looks like on the outside.

gladiolus Wed 23-May-12 10:08:10

I think sometimes the seeming lack of reaction is a coping mechanism.

When you see bad things happen to other people, it's easier to feel sympathy.

But when they happen to you, it's different.

Certainly, if I get bad news, my first response is to go very very quiet. I am internally analysing my feelings. It's almost as if I'm thinking, "Okay, how should I be reacting to this?" And it's only after a while that the actual feelings start to come through. It's really weird. But then when they do come through, you feel so bad that you try to suppress them so it doesn't hurt.

And I can certainly see how that would come across as unfeeling or uncaring. My dh described me recently in counselling as being Spock-like. I had to remind him that Spock did have feelings, he just controlled them.

gladiolus Wed 23-May-12 10:08:59

Oh, and that's only for bad feelings btw, I have no problem displaying love or happiness, it's only the bad feelings that hurt and require suppression.

myfriendflicka Wed 23-May-12 12:02:19

How fascinating. I scored a six in the aq test.

I do worry that my daughter has aspie traits. My son is very emotional and empathic (and I am) and she hates that with a passion. I also wonder about denying emotions being a coping mechanism for her (she has been like this since her dad died, or perhaps I have noticed it more).

I do often think we should all do much more work re emotions, perhaps starting in schools. (this is from someone whose parents always said: Don't show your feelings, and punished/criticised me if I did).

Anyway this has given me lots of food for thought.

Thank you.

(Goes off to do more research).

Gladiolus and Un - would you say that you are somewhere on the spectrum then?

I can't tell you how helpful your posts are to read.

Seriously. I wish I'd known all this a decade ago. Would have saved so much angst and so much unhappiness (and a few bits of crockery!)

TheUnMember Wed 23-May-12 15:25:58

I am and I have a doctor's note to prove it grin

So is my daughter, husband, brother, mother and nephew.

Spendthrift - you & me have opposite conditions - if our MN names are anything to go by!

DSs (those that can speak) say I'm autistic about diagnosing ASD & AS (i.e. it's a repetitive, obsessional behaviour, in the same way as their brother plays with musical toys). I don't tell the person I've diagnosed though! I scored 5 on that test.

CleverHans Wed 23-May-12 23:24:06

I got 7. Now to ask my wife to take the test :-)

gladiolus Fri 25-May-12 11:34:34

According to the second test, yes. I can't remember what I got on the first one, but it was high enough to make me wonder. I think it wasn't high enough to be classed as autistic but higher than normal.

And then various things I read, and identified with, about Aspergers drove me to take the Aspie quiz (the 2nd test), and my results were:

Your Aspie score: 129 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 80 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I haven't sought an official diagnosis though, but it explains so much about my entire life!!

Hullygully Fri 25-May-12 11:50:38

I got 5, but you know how the answers will determine you so it's a bit daft - easy to rig.

yes, I think that the Force runs strong in my husband's family in general. They think that I'm the oddity, once I was politely engineered away from a funeral incase I would cry...

In their world, one does not cry at funerals.

In mine, one cries wherever one takes a fancy for it.

spendthrift Fri 25-May-12 12:29:26

Cheapskate, ha! On phone so can't do laughing emoticon.

I am a 6 as well. Cry at family funerals, well any funeral, sad songs, military parades, any old excuse. And need support in uncertainty. Whereas dh, aspie traits, went to bed one evening this week when wed been given potentially vv bad news, was quiet and analytical about it and couldn't sleep at all. I at least got some sleep though not a good night. His relief the next day was amazing, expressed on email at work.

So your theory, Un, begins to make sense to me too.

mybabyweight - presumably the funeral was for one of his side of the family then? Going back through the generations, I'm sure my maternal grandfather had AS, but he was an RAF officer, so it was impressed upon us grandchildren, from an early age, that he was used to certain things at certain times etc. I now think he joined the forces because he liked things to be so regimented.

gladiolus Sat 26-May-12 15:46:32

"I got 5, but you know how the answers will determine you so it's a bit daft - easy to rig."

Surely the whole point is to answer the questions correctly. What is the point of doing the test if you deliberately skew the results?

interestingly, when I told my MIL about our results she suggested that I must have lied to skew the results!

She's so totally on the scale too....

And, yes, cheapskate, it was his uncle that passed away. It is apparently embarrassing to weep if you are widowed - better to be proud of yourself by staying strong.

Fair enough. Not possible for us Seipsa's...

I scored 7 and suffer from anxiety disorder which has probably skewed the results.

mrsallright Mon 13-Aug-12 00:38:24

I have found this conversation really helpful, my DH and I met with our son's speech and language therapist last week and since she mentioned he might be on the spectrum, we've both been looking at each other through new lens and analysing ourselves (At least I have!) He doesn't seem too phased! I've done the test and will try and persuade him to as I scored 8.. Both DS And DH very caring loving men, who regularly kiss and cuddle each other, and DH is a stay at home dad with strong emphasis on routine! They both seem like martians at times, and since my DD came along I am quite relieved that there is more balance in the house, but would never admit it to anyone! It's all a bit scary as our DS is only 3.5 so probalby won't know what flavour he is for a while, but it's really been helpful to have the speech therapy and learn new coping strategies.

MoelFammau Wed 14-Nov-12 00:59:56

I scored 9, my DH 33.

I have to admit though that I'm not the leaky-eyed type. More erratically gung-ho / let's pack up and live in a another country type, I guess. It must freak out DH no end.

Been together 5 years and it's been so so tough. Only realised the Aspie thing last week though. Oddly I feel that this is something that could rescue things. Knowing he's not insensitive on purpose.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 01:13:28

Yep, it really helps. Having a reason to forgive them makes marriage much easier.

There are upsides to it - like him being superorganised soI don't have to and him being utterly faithful because it wouldn't occur to him to have an affair. Because he's married.

But, it can be no fun at all!

tryingsoonflying Wed 14-Nov-12 01:17:55

Me, 16. OH 38.

SantasStrapOn Wed 14-Nov-12 01:44:08

Katie I got 23, I think my results were skewed by my problems too. If I think back to how I used to be, I was incredibly gregarious, loved going out and being with people. I've never been any good at 'reading' people though, but I think in my case it's because of my upbringing, I think I probably shut down and gave up at an early age because my parents are so manipulative. Pointless trying to read someone like that, they like to keep you second guessing.

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 14-Nov-12 02:14:59

I scored an 8 and I'm going to get Dh to go it when he gets in. I've always thought he may well be on the spectrum, super smart but genuinely has no clue on so many things. He's even told me to just tell him straight it doesn't hurt his feelings, it makes him aware of what I need.

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 14-Nov-12 15:45:45

Dh finally took it, he got 33. Makes a lot of sense.
He's the most faithful man ever, doesn't even look at other women cause he's already married. Loves his routines and hobbies. I socialized with the kids and left him home and he was happy with that for the last 25 years. It actually makes me feel better knowing I was right not to pressure him into being something he's obviously not and never will be. Still love him to bits even if he never parties with me.

B1ueberryMuff1n Wed 14-Nov-12 15:51:38

Is that from the Simon Baron Cohen book? Did you read about the broader autism phenotype. That really interested me, his idea that there is a category that wouldn't receive an official diagnosis but who share as many traits with people with aspergers as they do with people without it. Their scores would be in the 20s. I think my family has a few members who have 'the broader autism phenotype'.

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:01:07

I'm not telling dh score, but will say both our DDs have autism.
I am very sociable and very good at it. One thing to say, dh loves being with people, but isn't great at it grin
He never gets the social cues of being a dh. Last night I was playing badminton, I said can you run me a bath at 10.30pm so I can just climb in straight away. I got home earlier than 10.30pm so he didn't run me a bath. He never considered it might still be nice to do that for me. He assumes everything that is routine will always be routine, so I cook dinner,no clean the house, I get the kids dressed ect. It drives me mad.
I have tried all sorts but sort of given up trying now blush
He is a wonderful man, loves me no matter what and is a great dad.

SantasStrapOn Wed 14-Nov-12 16:02:25

I think it's pretty easy for the results to be skewed if you have other problems. I'd answer strong yes to anything involving not wanting to do something sociable, or involving teamwork, reading people. Not because I have Aspergers traits, because I have an intense mistrust of people.

B1ueberryMuff1n Wed 14-Nov-12 16:06:26

Thta sounds a bit like my brother lisad. i remember once we agreed to meet at such and such a place at 3. i bumped into him by chance at two 45 but he was gravitating towards the meeting place, cos we'd said we'd both be there at three. i told my parents and they were laughing. he got cross!

AnyFucker Wed 14-Nov-12 16:12:47

I scored a bang-on average 15

Damn that normative shit !

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:20:06

That's the thing with ASD, everyone is different and most people can get by without a dx and are fine. My dh holds down a fulltime job, drives, has friends, married with two kids and sports that he enjoys. The only time I would ever recommend a dx is if its going to help in some way and your Asd is so bad it effects every day of your life and its impossible to function.
My dh knows he is likely on the spectrum, he gets so wound up by himself but we do just fine.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 16:37:01

I scored 4. Not surprising, but I wonder how 'culturally blind' that test is. And whether a shy non autistic person would score highly?
I certainly realised that I was unsuited to teaching because I 'over empathise' I now work mainly 1:1, I still do some training, but just couldn't cope with the stress of identifying with each and every one of a class of 30+.

closethefridgedoor Wed 14-Nov-12 16:53:47

I scored 42 and I was diagnosed with ASD last year. My dx was on the NHS, but I've been in the system for years due to MH problems (due to unrecognised ASD). I think it's much harder to get referred if you're working, have functional relationships etc, as it's clear your needs are much lesser than someone like me. The ASD has affected my ability to work, maintain a home and relationships. I rarely cry - actually I don't think I have for at least six years, and we've had two family deaths within that time.

DH scored 10, although I'd still put him as somewhere on the spectrum personally - he's very high functioning, works in IT, but doesn't socialise and is not really communicative. He's very intelligent though, and appears to be sociable but I see it as learned, not instinctive behaviour. That works very well with me, we are quite an insular couple! And we don't spend ours talking through stuff that is supposed to happen in 'good' relationships, don't phone/text through the working day or when we go abroad or anything. Neither of us see the need for it.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 18:16:45

helpyourself research into the AQ test show it is accurate in all but 3% of cases.

MoelFammau Wed 14-Nov-12 18:49:31

The reason I took it with DH is that we're having serious relationship issues and - call me slow - I'd never thought of DH having Aspergers. I just found him intensely annoying. His obsessions, his pedantic nitpicking, his failure to understand why I'm upset... Knowing this does give me more patience and the knowledge to not take it personally. Hard though it is!

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 19:07:34

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

I got 48 on the AQ test, and 135 on the other one.

I did the AQ one a few weeks ago and told my DH - as soon as he started reading up so many things about me suddenly made sense to him.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Wed 14-Nov-12 19:24:46

I got 30 and DP got 31 when we did this. Sparking a hilarious conversation in which we established that no, it probably wasn't neurotypical to automatically memorize all car number plates.

I scored 19. Fascinating. I think I'm just like NadiaWadia and scored a bit higher because I'm shy and not great and small talk with people. Certainly don't think of it as lack of empathy or inability to perceive people's emotions - if anything it's the opposite, I'm nervous of being boring/accidentally offending someone etc so tend to get a bit squeaky and tense and so don't always make great chat!

HeathRobinson Wed 14-Nov-12 20:28:06

I got 32 on the test.

gladiolus - 'Certainly, if I get bad news, my first response is to go very very quiet. I am internally analysing my feelings. It's almost as if I'm thinking, "Okay, how should I be reacting to this?"'

That is exactly how I think if there is bad news about an elderly relative, for example.

So weird that it's not just me.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 21:00:58

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

Tis true though. There has been proper peer reviewed research into it's accuracy. I read the paper years ago (when I was being assessed) and was surprised as I thought it was quite simplistic for such a complex condition. The research found it was almost 100% accurate for teens but lessen off to 97% in adults.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:35

Am loving that this thread's been resurrected!

I do understand that ASDs are a vast, ehm, spectrum - but I think it's really helpful to see that so many relationships are surviving with one high and one low on the AQ.

It's heartening because, clearly, there are qualities associated with AS that are really positive in long term relationships.

It's nice to read about them, instead of the grind of complaints and difficulties that the literature shows.

It's not easy - but, NT/NT doesn't seem to be either (for evidence of this, please see relationship boards...)

We're all a wee bit wonky.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 22:02:29

flamin that's impressive!

gladiolus Wed 14-Nov-12 22:39:45

My marriage was not helped by my dx of Aspergers at all. According to my 'd'h it just meant I had an excuse to stop trying, and blame all my many faults on my AS.

Things he has said to me include recent gems of "You could be normal if you tried. You just can't be bothered." and "Why can't you just be f***ing normal?" and "I thought I was marrying a normal person!"

He refuses to read up about it or try to understand it at all.

neverputasockinatoaster Wed 14-Nov-12 22:54:35

On the AQ test I score 27.

On the other I score: Aspergers 74/200
Neurotypical 134/200

DH is an (undiagnosed officially) aspie. I can't rememebr what he scored on the test but it was high.
DS has just been diagnosed as Aspie.

DH is marvellous. I will admit that there have been times when I've felt a bit lonely but mostly he's amazing.
My Dad also has many many aspie traits. My mum doesn't 'speak aspie' (as Tony Attwood says) but I suspect I do.

I was suprised at my AQ score I think. I thought it would be lower than that. However I do do a good line in shutting down when stressed.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 23:13:50

Gladiolus - I am sorry that your dx has not been helpful.

The fact is, you can be AS and a bit of a dick, or you can be NT and a bit of a dick.

I am saying that your DH is being a bit of a dick. Those sorts of comments must be very difficult, and hurtful for you.

Is it possible that he's on the spectrum?

gladiolus Thu 15-Nov-12 07:01:11

He's not on the spectrum. He did the tests and came out NT. But he does have issues of his own, and yes he can be a bit of a dick smile

tinkertitonk Thu 15-Nov-12 11:46:27

42 here. Beat that.

And I wasn't even trying.

NettleTea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:29:51

I got 18 on the AQ, and 77 on the other one (with a 142 for NT)
I think I need DP to take a look, as when I put what I THOUGHT he might put, from many years experience! I got 38 on the first one. but of course he really needs to do it himself.
have my suspicions about DS too, especially as he reminds dp alot of how he was as a boy

gussiegrips Thu 15-Nov-12 20:24:02

Gladiolus - it's a common side effect of being born with a Y chromosome. Bless their cottons.

Joanna112 Sun 27-Oct-13 13:58:44

This is exactly why I feel the need to set up a 'one stop shop' resource/site for us NT partners. I am the same - completely opposite ends of the spectrum to my AS partner, and I desperately need all the input of social life, sharing, sense of humour etc. We need to connect with others like us!

Whilst I love my husband, I also know it's highly unlikely I'll get all this 'other stuff' at home. The website is my plan to provide that 'other stuff' for us all smile I want it to provide information, support, recommended reading, qualified (AS) counsellors, forums for conversation - possibly even a sign up that gives geographic location so that people can set up/join support any local groups.

I want this new website to be up and working as soon as possible. If you/anyone is interested in helping design the site or have any comments about what should go on it - and what shouldn't - let me know!

Diagnosis saved my marriage. I'm going to write about this in a post on the new site once it's up and running.

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