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Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

(783 Posts)
startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 14:46:41

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity sad

Old thread here

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 14:49:33

I really, reeeeaaaaally, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY, think you should change your phone numbers now because he'll be back to mess with your head some more unless you make it impossible for him.

I am sorry for what you are going through because he really is adding insult to injury now. For your sake find a holiday, preferably one leaving tomorrow and get away (without telling him your plans).

(Glad you are now firmly calling him "Nightmare EXP" BTW!)

sadwidow28 Tue 15-May-12 14:55:59

Well, I have lurked on your thread since the beginning. I was a bit concerned about you the other day - GATEWATCH and then LUNCHGATE.

I am so glad that you appear to be so focussed on the NEW you that you are able to read exP like a book now. Of course it is your own life and you must make the decisions but I have to admit to saying an audible "Phew" when you logged in today and confirmed that he was not back in the house and back in your bed.

Now "onwards and upwards" is the mantra.

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 15:14:30

So relieved for you Starting. And yes to everything you said in your last post on the other thread.
Also agree re changing your numbers. You will never have to worry about him calling and sending you off in a spin when you least expect it.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:18:21

Hi Starting I am so glad you are ok (well sort of!)

I know you feel sorry for the man you once loved and don't want to see him in a bad way .. but he is no longer that man!!!

He lied and cheated, called you names, hurt you terribly and isolated you from other people

You can do so much better - you are lovely!! And your life was on the up and up before he reappeared ..


PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 15:21:02

I was so worried for you! I agree get away. Stay with your brother?

Gatewatch and Lunchgate made me laugh sadwidow.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:28:32

PS The way he is trying to force you into an immediate decision is a BIG RED FLAG


Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 15:36:05

Wow Starting you have filled up another thread. A lot of people care about you.

Me too, was so relieved when your new thread title popped up.

Well he couldn't really have said anything better could he? don't bother then
Jeez, says it all really and I hope it's made you feel slightly better about your decision.

You are not back at Square One because you have achieved so much in the last few weeks.
You won't regret this decision. Well done you! x

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 15:40:12

Don't be surprised if he comes back with a better offer.

He'll realise that approach failed but he always has a knack of adapting and trying a different way of getting through your defences.

He knows you are weakened and wounded so will try the more patient approach next.


RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 15:46:05

Just tried to write a message on yor other thread and when I went to press send it didn't! Heck

Well to sum it up, he doesn't care what you want just what his needs are. Do you want to go back to being his mother until he finds a replacement?
Find a nice man to have your babies. I know you feel times ticking on but throw kids into the mix and you have a disaster on your hands, possibly leading to being a single mum. I dont think that is what you want.

You need to carry on your journey of finding yourself and what your needs are. You can't possibly do that with him in the mix. You will go back to losing yourself until he finds someone new.

Find a job, friends etc, make a life for you then see how you feel.

It will test him if you say right now your not ready for a relationship, say you might consider being friends in the future and just see him get Angry because he wants a nice Cosey house, your money etc and he can't come back to that .

I seriously would have minimal contact until you have sorted your life out.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:51:01

I did the same Rachy .. which was a bugger as I'd typed a huge long post! Maybe Mumsnet HQ could put a warning after 1000 posts to let you know you can't post??

RoxyRobin Tue 15-May-12 15:52:21

Hello again, lovely girl!

As far as I can see, he's made it easy for you. I honestly thought, shit though he be, he'd keep his niceness offensive up for as long as it took, but it seems he couldn't be arsed. I suspect that's his attitude towards life in general.

I know when you look back it's hard to square his present self with that person who really did show you love and affection. But as we go through life our personalities are still developing - and he is one of the ones who have become nastier. Mourn the man he once was, Starting, but don't try to dig up the corpse - it's beyond reviving.

Next time I'm in, I'll light a candle for you wink.

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 15:52:55

Hi Starting - please be strong - you've done so well!! He is a lying cheating lazy alcoholic who just wants to use you. If you take him back you won't meet your lovely kind caring hardworking honest future husband! Please make space for him to come into your life!!

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 15:56:38

From your opening post on your first thread: ^ i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...^

He told the truth. He didn't love you then and he doesn't love you now.

And: I let him be my world you see..i shut out the rest of the world and now i'm paying the price

You know that you made big mistake in making him the be and end all of your life. Learn from it and resolve not to fall into the same trap again.

Three weeks later from your second thread: I'm going about my day feeling quite positive and then pow! he calls and i'm down again

You've been told advised from the off not to engage with him and the reason is that when you are coming from a place of misguided sentiment need, you can't be trusted not to fall for the blandishments of a dirty, lowdown, lying, deceitful, duplicitous twunt who can't be trusted.

Also from your 2nd thread: I know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Your know your life can be wonderful without him and you know that it will be infinitely more wonderful without him than it could ever be with him.

All you need to do now is hold that thought and bring your bright new twunt-free future into being.

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 15:57:41

What astonishes me is the way that he is so .... what??.. arrogant, maybe...or stupid???... that he ups his offer only a fraction at a time.

He should be on his knees, begging your forgiveness for all the [pain he has caused, and he would be if he really does love you. But instead he's still thinking he's a catch and you should be glad to get him back. It doesn't make sense.

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 16:05:07

You've gone quiet starting, something tells me you have arranged to meet up with him .

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 16:15:43

That also happens when mumsnet temporarily goes down, Rachy, and when it does go to the top left hand corner of your screen and 'go back one page' so that you can copy and paste your response on to a new or same thread or save it as a word document for use at a later date.

Although I have no leaning towards organised religion, in common with Roxy, I find that old churches are good places to sit in contemplation of the past, present, and future.

Unfortunately, it's a sign of our times that, other than the great cathedrals, in London few churches are freely accessible to the public outside of service hours and standing outside a locked door in a churchyard when it's pissing down with rain does little to calm a troubled mind sad

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 16:19:00

Perhaps now is the time to stop taking his calls?

just had a big long post on old thread that went poof!

Jist is STAY AWAY! he is using you, he doesnt love you, he is a taker, not a giver.

Do make a decision - to stay the hell away from him. He isnt a catch, he is a lowlife who thinks you are weak and will put up with his nonsense, while he continues to bleed you dry.

You are NOT weak, you are strong and will get through this.

captainmummy Tue 15-May-12 16:24:27

I also typed out a long post - only to have mumsnet tell me the thread is 'not accepting any more posts'!!angry

Anyway. basically what i said was - he's demanding his bed back, he sees it as black and white, he wants to come 'home'; - he's desperate for a place to stay/someone to mother him. When you (quite rightly) tell him that you will need time (and what's in it for you?) he drops the charade and shows his temper. He thinks you are supposed to fall at his feet and welcome him back - until the next time he fancies a bit.

And i think you were even thinking about it, but think about his true colours instead. He only wants what's best for him.

fiventhree Tue 15-May-12 16:31:55

he other thing to bear in mind is about her drinking habits or otherwise.

Addicts do often say that others have a bigger problem than them, when they are in a difficult spot. She may just have seen through him, but he wont tell you that.

Well done, good decision.

FWIW, supporting an alcohic out of their mess is a nightmare and takes years- just look up a few threads posted by women in this situation- its always the same story. They will drag you down with them.

AnyFucker Tue 15-May-12 16:36:20

the end of the last thread came up bloody quick !

< settles down with a cuppa >

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 16:38:40

Oh ladies, ex send me a text saying he was coming round to the house, i didnt get it until he was ringing the doorbell..... he has to scale the gates to get to my front door.

I told him to go away, he said he wanted to talk and i wouldn't talk to him, i said that i explained i needed time to think, he said that he needed money, i said i cant give you any, then he said right im going to take you for 50% of everything, the house your saving everything, as you wont help me. He was shouting and pointing his fingers at me.

He then pushed his way in the house and went to where the keys are kept, and took one of the door keys (old one)- i tried to stop him, he left saying that 50% of the house is his and to speak to his solicitor, he tried the key in the garage door but it didn't fit (as i have changed the locks).

He then threw the key and left shouting that the house was half his etc.........i was so frightened i called the police. I am waiting for them to come alone sad

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 16:42:24

I spoke to my solicitor who contacted him on the phone to tell him not to contact me again, he was with his solicitor, already looking to put the knife in......

I cant believe my life has come to this........... sad

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 16:44:33

Let him try!!! He is not entitled to anything. Report him for harassment & get an injunction.

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 16:45:01

I thought he loved you?!!! And missed you?? BOLLOCKS!!!

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 16:46:06

I know, im am so upset im crying and crying ...........

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 16:46:14

Right .. he didn't take long to show his true colours did he?? Hope you are ok??

What is your solicitor saying to reassure you?


midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 16:46:54

He's a liar. Please change phone numbers & do not answer the door to him again angry

RoxyRobin Tue 15-May-12 16:52:29

How distressing! Try to be strong, dear. The absolute and utter bastard.

Perhaps you really should change your number now - all contact through your solicitor.

We are all thinking about you xxxxxxxx

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 16:53:43

What a cunt!

FanDanceLil Tue 15-May-12 16:57:01

I have been following your thread for a while but haven't really had any advice to add to the fantastic advice you've already received.

I am in full agreement with everyone here that you must break contact with this man. Please don't let him drag you down with him.

I am certain that if he had a legitimate claim on your home he would have gone to a solicitor much sooner.

If he's in the sh*t, leave him to it. It was entirely his own doing.

Hope your ok.

Please report him to the police so they have a record if your need it later.

Speak to your solicitor about an injunction on him so he can't harass your anymore.

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 16:58:39

Id get an injunction. He's been hassling you, pressuring you and has just trespassed on your property. Time to get help in making him back off!

As for his going for half of everything, let him try!

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 17:00:25

Tell your solicitor everything inc the trespass today

Xales Tue 15-May-12 17:00:49

Are you still feeling guilty, wanting him to hold you and thinking you can fix things with him?

He will not have any money to use a solicitor. You have had decent advise re his rights over your house.

Use the police. That is what they are there for. Please do not back down thinking this is not worth the police time!

Do not open the front door again and make sure everything is secure before you go out.

Sorry it has come to this sad

Please seriously consider what we have all told you and either get his number blocked on the home and mobile or change both numbers.

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 17:05:33

The mask is well and truly off. Dry your tears, honey. It's time to play hardball.

Don't panic and don't go rushing to pay instruct solicitors. Just wait to see if you get any correspondence from his alleged lawyer.

I say 'alleged' because, unless your solicitor spoke to his and has obtained their name. verified their credentials, and called them back, I very much doubt that the twunt has a solicitor let alone that he conveniently happened to be with them when your solicitor made the call.

In any event, this latest stunt that the twunt has performed is more properly dealt with by the police and, hopefully, they'll have a word in his shell-like and this'll be the last time he pulls such a stunt... although I very much doubt it.

The way this is moving along, I reckon we'll all need something stronger than a brew, AF.

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 17:07:22

I hope your okay.. Very angry and nasty. I am glad you have seen him for what he really is, a scrounging money grabber.

Tell him if he wants contact it's through solicitors this time. He can't speak to you just your solicitor. If he comes round you will call the police.

Helltotheno Tue 15-May-12 17:14:44

He is a useless excuse for a man. You need to get yourself a heart of stone here hon. Do your own list of what you've effectively given him over the years financially. Start making a case.

This twat didn't even have the wit to take the 'slowly does it' approach and reel you in, which is lucky for you because now you see him in all his useless cocklodginess.

He never brought anything to the table for you but luckily you have the rest of your life to live. Take everyone's advice. Change your number and only let your Solr deal with him. Take out a restraining order against him.

*marking place on new thread.. have to go start dinner but will read back in a sec..thought we'd lost you for a bit starting

Be back in a sec to catch up X

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 17:20:01

Oh sweetheart, I thought he would turn into bastard mode, but god he didn't waste much time did he?
And yes, wait intill you hear from his 'solicitor' , but do see if you can get something in place to stop him haressing you.
It's awful, but in a perverse way he is doing you a favour.
If he'd been less of a selfish entitled prick he might actually have worn you down.
Remember this is all his own doing, you owe him nothing.

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 17:37:30

I feel so alone, he lied to me again i cant stand this anymore sad

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 17:41:08

I wish I had more time to write... I am so sorry. Put the chain on the door. Lock the house down. Call your brother.

I think it is time to have him officially told to leave you alone, ideally by the police.

Keep thinking... this moment will pass.

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 17:41:28

He has a very low IQ though, doesn't he?

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 17:44:14

You're not alone we're here plus the new friends you have started to make. He will ALWAYS lie to you. He is an addict.

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 17:45:16

Starting you really don't have to stand this anymore and take this.... Get some space from him. Don't speak to him. I now he came round today but you need to call police if he won't go, tell him he can't come in. If he tries then its police time as he would be doing this when you said no.

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 17:45:29

You know he's a liar and he's going to keep on lying.

WIth umpteen mumsnetters hanging on your every word, you're far from being alone.

Have the police been or are you still waiting for them?

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 17:47:55

When he took the key why did he try it in the garage door? Is there still stuff in the garage that he can claim is his?

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 17:49:53

I'm thinking about this further andi wouldn't be surprised if he is still seeing her and she's put him up to this to get some money.i wouldn't put it past her... She sounds like a right one... And a rough one!

His intentions are clear all he wants is money And he's prepared to say and do anything to get it even professing undying love for you. Thing is you and everyone on this thread can see it because his actions aren't of a man in love with a woman but of a man looking for money and as much as he can get.

Stay strong he's still managing to hurt you.

Oh I cannot believe what he has done, what a cold calculating arse he is starting.

I was going to post on your last thread that you havent let him use you because you havent let him come back to you but if you did use you HE WILL.

My heart really goes out to you, he is NOT the man you thought you knew for 15 years XX

Please dont let him hurt you again, I second Izzy's post at 17:05

AnyFucker Tue 15-May-12 17:54:14

starting when you are going to stop saying "he lied to me" and getting upset about it, so much so you say "can't stand it any more" ?

it's like it's a new revelation for you every time

I cannot fathom why...the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so why does he keep managing to "surprise" you with each new example of his baseness ?

are you going to take any advice from this thread yet ? You haven't so far

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 18:05:44

Starting he's been lying to you for 15 years.
He is not the man you thought he was, it was an easy act while you were supporting him. As soon as he thought he was a big business man (never believe your own publicity) he screwed you over.
He's desperate now because his sordid little fantasy had come crashing down.
And do you know what? that's not your problem anymore

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 18:14:49

Oh no, you poor poor love, Starting.

That is a shocking and frightening thing to have happened. I'm sure that is more than trespass as he had made it clear his home was now with OW and he has no claim on it.
I think the police will take it very seriously especially as you have already logged an incident.

At least you now absolutely know his true colours sweetheart and that if his lips are moving he is lying.

I don't think he was with his solicitor. He seems very angry and probably bluffing. Had he been drinking?

No he doesn't seem very bright. He must have realised that if he had only kept working on you more gently, you would have probably crumbled.

Wonder if OW will now emerge again.

Could your sailing friend come and visit for tonight? Would Bully attack if you ordered him?

If you feel up to it get all your paperwork, dates, invoices sorted and ready.
Take care xx

Tattymum Tue 15-May-12 18:18:06

HeyStarting I have to de-lurk to tell you that when I read your thread yesterday, I was really worried that he would win you round with promises that he would in time break. But what a twat!
Couldn't even hide his money grabbing ways to take you on a date as offered only last night.... God I wish I lived near you I would be at your door with a bottle of champagne to make you celebrate that you didn't fall for it.
I was married to one like him 20 years ago now have lovely H and DS. Champagne on ice in south London if you're ever up this way!

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 18:25:01

Have the police been yet?

Xales Tue 15-May-12 18:26:02

One small step at a time Starting.

You will survive. You will be stronger. Just like when he left you only a couple of months ago.

You had already started to detach so it will not take you as long to get back on an even keel.

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 18:39:30

I feel awful, a little part of me believed that he still loved me, but he is a fucking monster, he lied, he is just after an easy life.

The police have been and taken some information from me the incident has been logged, my solicitor spoke to his solicitor so it was all genuine, he is going to try and crush me into the ground, i know it he doesn't care how i feel.

I feel so lonely, i cant get hold of anyone on the phone.

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 18:46:41

Poor you sad

Leave messages for people to get back to you as soon as they can.

Were the police sympathetic? Are they going to do anything or talk to him?

I was wondering, when it comes to actually figuring out if he is owed anything, who actually does that? The solicitors? A judge? I've not a clue how that works!

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 18:55:12

Something seems to have happened to make this sudden change in his tactics.

He must have realised he could have played a waiting game with you. You were back in his web.

Either it is OW pulling his strings, or he really is too desperate for money to be able to wait. All he's earned has been pissed up the wall or gone on extravagant 5* breaks.

Keep trying that phone and cuddle Bully. xx

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 19:01:36

I agree, he did seem desperate for money, but then he has been working the last few months so he should have some, he was going on about selling his car last week.

He has his van and his tools, and he is ready for work, he just has to get off his ass and get it

Helltotheno Tue 15-May-12 19:04:10

It's time for you to toughen up now, it really is. You've got to fight for what's yours. In all your threads, I've never seen real anger from you, only upset and disbelief, and that's really worrying because you're going to need to get seriously angry now.

AF is right, all this new stuff shouldn't be a surprise to you. He's done so many horrible things to you from the start that, in all honesty, the fact that he's nothing but a twunt should've registered with you by now.
Your self-esteem has taken a bashing and you should maybe consider counselling just to let it all out somewhere.

You're no more to him than dog crap on his shoe. Please grab the bull by the horns here and vent your fury.

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 19:04:36

He hasn't got a hope in hell claim in law but that doesn't mean the twunt won't instruct a solicitor to try it on. However, as he won't get legal aid and as he's unlikely to find a lawyer who'll offer a no win/no fee deal, this allegedly impoverished twunt will have to pay a substantial sum for legal services.

Given that the last time you spoke to your solicitor it seemed that they weren't up to the job of seeing off a spurious claim, I would suggest that you make it clear that you don't want them speaking to the twunt or his solicitor about this matter.

You say the incident has been logged by the police? What has it been logged as - forcible entry, trespass, harassment? And what do the police intend to do about it?

Helltotheno Tue 15-May-12 19:05:25

Not your problem any more. Seriously you're too interested in this prat. Stop trying to second guess his moves, just shaft him.

I know you feel awful now but in future you will see his behaviour as a good thing because you are finally really waking up to what he is really like. I've been dipping in and out of your threads since the beginning and this guy has USER written through him like a stick of rock.

You need to put up better boundaries with him as he should not be in a position to push into your house - be on guard against him - he is not your friend. Read up on abusers - the reason the women on this thread can tell you how things are likely to play out is because these guys are all reading from the same script. They are predictably awful unfortunately.

No contact is the golden rule and once you have distance from him you will see him a lot more clearly and will probably be surprised at things you put up with and red flags you missed (plus you'll feel a lot better - it's a lot less stressful when these idiots are gone from your life)

Can you go and stay with your brother for awhile? Or go for a short break somewhere?

cenicienta Tue 15-May-12 19:06:27

He doesn't care, you're right. But lots of others do and we'll all be here to help you through this.

He's angry! He's desperate! He needs money! That's all he can see right now.

Deep breaths! You know he isn't entitled to anything. He really really isn't!

Not legally! Not morally!

Have you been in touch with Collaborate again?

Please keep posting x

Catkinsthecatinthehat Tue 15-May-12 19:06:30

Hang on in there. If you can't get hold of anyone IRL, then keep posting here and we'll support you.

Just remember, if he was in discussion with his solicitor when your solicitor called to warn him off this afternoon, then he'd already pre-arranged that appointment some time ago. You don't just wander in off the street and get an immediate meeting with a lawyer. This was planned and organised in advance. Regardless of whether you would have fallen for his lies this afternoon, let him in the house, forgiven him or given him money, he'd have still popped out for that secret appointment. It's all about the money, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm really sorry that you've had such a horrible time this afternoon, but I'm glad that he really has let the mask slip.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 15-May-12 19:06:41

Oh that must have been really upsetting - have you got a bolt for both doors?

I hope you have now learnt not to stay in contact with him or fall for his tricks.

What did the police say?

RoxyRobin Tue 15-May-12 19:17:09

In a way something like this had to happen for you to go forward free of lingering hopes and doubts. He's smashed your illusions good and proper, and you've seen the essence of the man - and it's pure poison. God knows what the real truth is and who cares. I despise the disgusting creature and I've never even met him.

You can now draw a thick black line under him as far as the emotional side of things is concerned, and concentrate on keeping his grubby tattooed mitts off your property.

A rollercoaster indeed - I feel dizzy myself with all the twists and turns, and god knows how you must be feeling, you poor thing xxxxxx

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 19:19:16

I predict another u turn love. I'm sorry, you just really wound me up ...... I didn't mean it - please meet me so we can sort it out etc etc hmm

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 19:20:17

I would suggest you don't go anywhere until you know what the police are going to do, and if the twunt has instructed a solicitor you can expect a letter by the end of the week.

Catkins has it right. He would have booked an appointment sometime last week - well before he did his 'I've made a terrible mistake, it's you I really love' act and tried to sucker you in by drinking lemonade with a sneaky double vodka poured into it while claiming to be an alcoholic who could only dry out with your money love and help.

If you'd taken him back last night you'd have been basking in a rosy post-coital* glow today and would no doubt be planning to cook his favourite supper while he was in a solicitor's office discussing whether he had a chance of screwing you financially.

*<<boaks at thought of going where the ow's been>>

only4tonight Tue 15-May-12 19:33:01

Oh love. Is this your old solicitor or collaborate?

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 19:35:37

He may well have even been advised to try and move back in to the house in order to make a claim.
He won't have told that solicitor all the facts, he won't have told him that he contributed very little, he won't have told him that you set him up in business.

Starting, really genuinely hope you are ok, you must be in bits tonight X

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 19:47:12

Exactly, Ma, which is why Starting is best advised not to panic and not to rush to throw good money after bad on solicitors fees.

If she brings any letters pertaining to this matter here, replies can be drafted that will ensure he racks up a large bill before she instructs a solicitor - although, IMO, that won't be necessary.

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 19:55:17

Starting you will get through this, it's horrIble and distressing for you, but you will be ok, I promise you.

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 20:00:44

I agree Izzy. The soliciter may have assumed that as Starting is currently not working, but he has his own business that this has always been the case. And the twunt won't have told him any different. Let him rack up legal bills, he doesn't have the cash to take it very far.
It's hard, but it's now going to be a waiting game.

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 22:16:17

Hi Starting. Hope you are feeling reasonably ok tonight after such a shock and all the inevitable let down and worry.

I'm sure, like others have said, he has no real case. If he had he would have made his move 8 (short) weeks ago. He has had to resort to very desperate measures. What was he trying to get in for? Was it for a key to your property/garage?

I also don't think you need to be worried at all for your personal safety tonight but I can imagine how alone you feel.

I so hope you have made contact with a RL person and that you manage to get some sleep. XX

only4tonight Tue 15-May-12 23:39:11

Hi starting. I hope all is calm on the whitstable front

RoxyRobin Wed 16-May-12 00:52:34

Goodnight, dear. Still thinking about you xxx

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 01:14:26

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so very very much for your support over the last few are all my rock at the moment xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm ok atm, i spoke to an old work friend tonight, who always cheers me up she lives tup north.

Had a really good cry earlier, haven't eaten anything today though, and i don't know how im going to sleep.

He tried and tried to get money out of me and now he sees he not going to get it, he is trying the legal route, since he has left he has bullied and manipulated me, trying and successfully making me feel frightened, scared and so so alone.

You are right ladies, it has to stop, i have to take the power back, i have to protect myself, i cannot believe a word he says he is a liar and a cheat. Yes this is sad, for HIM, he will realise one day the damage he has done and how low he has stooped.

I have already started to move forward with my life and now i will continue that journey and start looking to my future not cling on to the past x

Cathynclaire Wed 16-May-12 01:26:03

Hi Starting, sorry to read the latest turn of events.

He has really shown his true colours now, and as MaBumble said, he wanted to move back in to further his claim for money from you.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Wed 16-May-12 01:26:24

I'm glad that you are feeling stronger. I'm full of admiration after the terribly upsetting day you've had. Try and get a good night's sleep.

RachyRach30 Wed 16-May-12 02:00:00

Your amazing girl!

Glad your friend cheered you up. You have been so much over the past few months. You have been tested but you have coped with it all. You know you can cope with this now. It's only another of his tirades on you, you've been dealing with them so long. You will be ok... You are much stronger that you were at the start.

Are you asleep?

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 02:16:37

Thank you Night Owls!! I have had a crappy evening, but tomorrow is a new day!

I am more able to cope with the ups and downs now, simply because i know they are going to happen.

Am trying to get to sleep, (i'm on the sofa tonight) but Bully is snoring in my ear smile

MaBumble Wed 16-May-12 05:36:52

He's been playing you like a fish on a line, so that if he decided. To land you, you'd be so exaughested you'd not put up much of a fight.
Now cut that line, get angry. You're not some bloody weak minnow!!

I had a thought last night, but didn't post as I thought you'd had enough for one day.
I reckon the 2k wasn't for a job, or the OW, it was to pay his legal costs!
Yup, I reckon he'd had a first session, realised it was going to cost a small fortune and decided to make you pay for it.

The man is weak, selfish to the core and not worth spitting on.

Cathynclaire Wed 16-May-12 06:21:47

I agree with MaBumble about the 2k being for legal costs - I'm sure the solicitor would demand some money up-front for such a weak case. Let him use it all up by drafting letters, as has been said earlier.

Hope you are feeling better today Starting.

meredeux Wed 16-May-12 07:35:05

Starting - why did he grab the garage key? Is there something in the garage that he particularly wants?

RoxyRobin Wed 16-May-12 07:50:14

Morning, dear.

A lovely bright new day up here. Hope it's the same in Whitstable - ideal for a fresh new start. Though you'll feel like a wrung-out dishrag at the moment.

It hadn't occurred to me before, but MaBumble's suggestion seems very plausible. A quick search led me to this: 'Unfortunately in the current economic climate solicitors have to obtain monies upfront otherwise they end up chasing or even suing their clients for monies owed. If a client can't afford the monies upfront it is unlikely that they can afford to fund proceedings.'

What a dreadful irony it would have been if you had handed over the money only for him to use it to try and screw half your assets out of you.

As you said, he has turned into a monster. At least you now know - far from being your friend, he's your enemy, and you can act accordingly.

I feel so angry on your behalf, Starting. I've just been snappy with DH - I'm in no mood to indulge the male gender at the moment! xxx

I was thinking about the garage too meredeux..does seem odd. Can you think of what he might have been after in there starting?

Anyway good morning to you, the sun is shining here is Surrey, hope it is for you today!

and sorry Roxy but I laughed thinking of your poor dh getting it in the neck because of startings ex grin

what an utter bastard he is! True colours are showing now. This is the man he is. Please keep notes of everything, log all contact with police.

He is horrid.

Today is a new day - the sun is shining (for now) and its time to get on with your day.

captainmummy Wed 16-May-12 09:01:36

Well done for changing the garage door lock too! Not sure I would have thought of changing that as well as the doors to the house.

Does he think he still has tools or something in there? If so, you need to get them out and either sell them or dump them on him. (according to value! grin)

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 16-May-12 09:01:41

Is the garage attached to the house?

Thermalsocks Wed 16-May-12 09:31:27

Morning Starting. Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Going to be gorgeous day so maybe you'll feel a bit better.

Well ex must have got money from somewhere.
Bet he has a lovely hangover today, realising that Plans A, B, C and D have all failed and he has now burned all his bridges!
Only has one doomed and very expensive route to go down now.

Maybe he wanted to sleep in the garage! Then he'd be on hand to work on you.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Wed 16-May-12 09:39:39

Agree with MaBramble and Roxy - the solicitor probably wanted evidence of funds and ability to proceed. That's why he went from "I'll take you on a date darling" to "give me money NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" just before the appointment.

Can I just say what an utter utter shit he is? Not that you need reminding!

Have the police said they'll warn him off?

MaBumble Wed 16-May-12 09:48:27

I do reckon he wanted to set up camp in the garage, if it's attached to the house he may have had some mad idea of claiming he resides there. Another thing, if he still gets any official post send it back. Prefably with the OWs address as that was his most recent. Also inform the Electoral register that he is no longer there since the date he left.

southlundon Wed 16-May-12 09:50:37

Shit Starting - I've missed the end of your old thread and didn't see the last bit about him supposedly wanting to try again, and I've just caught up now and actually slapped my hand across my mouth in shock when I read about what has just happened yesterday.

Bloody hell I wish I lived nearer - I would come and make you brew and biscuit and talk it through with you. But I'm in the NW. Have you managed to get hold of your brother? I hope you can get a message to him somehow.

And comeone above mentioned about using Collaborate as your solicitor as they seemed to give you excellent advice previously. I do hope you're not using the solicitor who seemed to be suggesting you offer NightmareExP some 'compensation'. Bollocks - it's all yours.

Take care - chin up!

MaBumble Wed 16-May-12 09:51:40

God my spelling on this phone is awful!
I guarantee that you will one day look back at this time and it will feel like it all happened to someone else.
And you WILL be happy!

Catkinsthecatinthehat Wed 16-May-12 10:08:20

Also, get him off the Council Tax register - as a sole resident you'll get a 25% discount and you need the money at the moment.

And check your credit record to make sure no loans/cards have been taken out at your address.

You may want to speak to Victim Support, Women's Aid or your local specialist PCSO if you have one about securing your home better. If he's scaling the gates can you stick spikes on top or something? Preferably with deadly poison on the tips.

you arent allowed to put metal spikes on top of gates nowadays, BUT you can get plastic 'nail' type strips that are very sharp and that would deter anyone scaling a gate. wink

Contact your local DIY store and get some asap.

Hope you are ok this morning.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Wed 16-May-12 10:40:33

Jax you're a spoilsport! If Starting can't have poisoned spikes can she revert back to my suggestion on the older thread of a giant spud gun and flame thrower? grin

Starting, can you also let HMRC and the DVLA know he's gone, as if he's self-employed with a works van and on his uppers, I wouldn't be surprised if he ran up tickets, didn't pay tax and insurance etc? Print off one of those 'people to inform when you're moving' checklists and work through it. Eliminate all connections to your address.

Wrongbow Wed 16-May-12 10:41:03

I dreamt about you last night Starting blush I dreamt that he came back wheedling and grovelling again and you let him in the house and as soon as he got through the door he dashed round stealing all your things and ran off with them!

On the plus side, in my dream world you looked like Renee Zellwegger and he looked like a tramp grin

Agree with the suggestion that he wanted your money to pay for a solicitor!! He is truly the lowest of the low.

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 10:56:46


That's exactly what I thought regarding the 2K, i certainly wouldn't put it past him!

The garage and front door lock are the same, so if he had a key for the garage, he would be able to get into the house. The police have logged the incident yesterday and said that he does anything like this again, i should call 999 and they will come straight out.

Feeling a bit low this morning, im exhausted after all the drama yesterday, i am normally such a peaceful calm person, i just want a quiet life not all this fighting, im worn out from it sad

I'm off to volunteering later and also to get some shopping- i have no food in the house.

I feel like i've been in a war, bruised and battered but somehow i have to pick myself up and keep going for the more with is probably to come.

I'm still more more upset, let down and disappointed rather than angry i need to make that shift!! Hopefully with your help- a solicitors letter would also do the trick!

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 10:57:42

Renee Zellwegger? Not bad, i WISH i looked like her! smile

good for you for getting on with things. You will have a nice time at your volunteer centre and treat yourself to some nice food.

catkins just keeping starting on the right side of the law y'know. grin

RachyRach30 Wed 16-May-12 11:01:03

Hope you managed some sleep with Bully snoring in your ear! Zzzzsmile

Just read somebody say hope it's a nice day in whinstable. Is that where your from by the sea? Sounds lovely is it a quaint little place?

I'm from the North like your friend, it has some quaint little places here. I like all that romance of a place... Shame a lot of men don't live up to that fairy tale in books and films hey.

Beckamaw Wed 16-May-12 12:01:12

Gosh, you poor thing.
I am drinking strong coffee after sitting up until 4.50 am reading the entirety of your threads. I am gobsmacked. What a total fucking arse he is!

I can promise you that it gets better. SO much better! I was once in a similar situation and am so bloody glad that I erased the twat from my life and found a proper man who treats me amazingly!
We went to relate because I was unable to comprehend an equal relationship. I was territorial about my home and housework etc. Now I don't bat an eyelid when he changes nappies (yes, we have a tiny DD), cooks dinner, cleans, pays for things etc.

I am SO happy. You deserve nothing less but you have so little self worth honey! You need to talk to a good therapist so you can have good relationships.

If I were closer I would come over, pick you up and forcefeed you soup.
Massive hugs to you. Xxx

RoxyRobin Wed 16-May-12 13:02:51

Starting, your ex has got more to answer for than he knows. First I send DH off with a flea in his ear this morning (final words: "I'm not your bloody mother!"), then I read that poor Wrongbow has had a nightmare, and now I'm just back from a funeral where I turned up inappropriately dressed, which I'm blaming him for entirely.

I'd put out a black and cobalt jacket as suitable funeral wear, but when I went to put it on I was so busy dwelling on his horridness that I'd forgotten where I was going. I looked out of the window, saw the sun and thought, 'I'm not wearing that on such a glorious day.' Instead I chose a pale mint coat I'd bought from Oasis in the January sale, looked in the mirror, said, "God, Rox, you're gorgeous grin" and left. Halfway there it suddenly dawned on me where it was I was going, but it was too late.

People are more relaxed about dress these days, but this one was like a mafia funeral - a sea of the blackest black! Apart from me bobbing about like a plastic bath-toy.

The sooner this is over and you have a lovely new life to look forward to, the better for the sanity of all of us!

Sorry for the levity, but it just shows how much we've become attached to you. I'm usually a cynical, distant type!

fiventhree Wed 16-May-12 13:26:55

Actually, this man is so weak and unpleasant, it defies belief.

There simply is nothing to which he would not stoop, is there?

Starting, I do hope that after 8 long weeks and more you have got to the stage where you have some clarity on who he is, and what he is capable of.

If you took him back, ever, quite frankly you would be crazy.

I also second the fairly firm words above of AF, above, and I do think they needed saying.

springydaffs Wed 16-May-12 14:31:35

I think you've listened to us a lot! And acted on the advice. Actually, I think you have been perfect grin

If he's going to AA, as he says he is, there is no way they'd put up with the shit he's been carrying off the past few days.

Starting, keep calm. Your story is bog-standard addict stuff (though horrendous to be on the end of). He's not the brightest is he? He's sending postcards and full-page ads telling you what he's doing and why. He's handing it all to you on a plate (thank goodness).

imo the anger will come all in good time. You seem to be particularly focused after seeing your counsellor - when is the next appt?

well done for calling the police btw.

meredeux Wed 16-May-12 17:07:34

I guess you've already figured out that it will be an extremely good idea to find a new place to keep your keys in the house now? Ditto your purse, credit cards, jewelry and anything else that might be valuable - sentimental or otherwise. (Just in case there is another smash and grab, and poss a hold to ransom).

Ive been thinking about you today starting, sending you strength vibes

I think a Non-molestation Order might be worth a thought..he sounds slightly unhinged. Promise you will consider it at least X

me too lastname

hope you had fun when you were volunteering.

Thermalsocks Wed 16-May-12 18:33:11

Not surprised you felt exhausted Starting. I felt exhausted and drained just reading it all! But well done for still going volunteering. So far that always seems to have picked you up.

I agree lastname he does sound unhinged. Don't know if it was drink, anger or Twuntness that caused a quite dramatic shift. Good to know the polce are supporting you.

Hope you enjoyed your volunteering and have come back on a bit of a high.

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 21:30:08

Hi All,

Thank you all so much for your positive vibes!!- i can feel them coming through the keyboard XXX smile

Roxy, im so sorry that i am causing you marital and wardrobe problems, Wrongbow giving you nightmares and keeping Beckamaw up till 4.50!! smile I didn’t mean to honest!!

All quiet here today thank god, except for a text asking whether he can sleep in the garage! Tosser, i didn’t respond.

Did my volunteering today which I always enjoy....and some shopping and tidying in the house.

Started to get paperwork together in case twunt tries it on with the house etc (im sure he will).

Some good news today, heard back from the first interview I went to (ive only been to two! blush) , they have offered me a 9 month contract (i am a contractor by trade and this is a good length contract) the money is great and the job is based in London, so Bully and I can be at home.

I’m just waiting for the contract and paperwork to sign etc and they want me to be start asap!!- The way im feeling at the moment im waiting for it to go tits up..... but im sure it will be fine.

I need to get back to work this will do me good!! smile

midwife99 Wed 16-May-12 21:33:41

Oh congratulations Starting! Wow - you are brill! Make sure the house is secure while you're in London at work!! I still think you need to change mobile number so he can't text you anymore love! Stupid twunt!

springydaffs Wed 16-May-12 21:38:31

WOW!!! that's awesome Starting! bravo bravo rah rah rah [big smile]

BelieveInPink Wed 16-May-12 21:39:50

Brilliant news.

only4tonight Wed 16-May-12 21:42:32

Wow and yeah! Getting back into work where you actually see people will do you so much good. So pleased for you.

startingagain88 Wed 16-May-12 21:44:09

Thank you!! smile smile smile

MaBumble Wed 16-May-12 21:47:09

Awsome news Starting, so pleased for you!!
New job, fresh start, the only way is up (feel an 80s melody coming on)

Helltotheno Wed 16-May-12 21:48:58

Wow you've only started looking and more or less got offered a job straightaway?! <impressed>

As for Arsey McTwunt asking to sleep in your garage, all I can say is that is not a person anyone could respect. Hasn't he heard of hostels for men?

Well done starting.

Here's to your new life thanks & wine.

So good about the job offer.. I'm so happy for you x

MaBumble Wed 16-May-12 21:50:34

Oh and only 2 interviews and you get a job offer? In this economic climate, with all the nonsense from twunt going on?
You're one impressive lady!

PooPooInMyToes Wed 16-May-12 21:51:05

Oh yay! smile

I think something keeping your mind off it all will really help. Plus its a chance to meet more new people. Was is it you do?

RoxyRobin Wed 16-May-12 21:51:15

Absolutely fantastic!!! gringringrin

I'm sure this will be the turning point - congratulations. And you did it while going through all those trials and tribulations. See, there's the difference between you and toss-pot.

As for the garage request, I don't know whether to laugh or cry - think I'll laugh derisively.

<do you have to look smart? I can lend you my pale mint coat>

Xales Wed 16-May-12 21:52:12


Wrongbow Wed 16-May-12 21:52:15

Woohoo, congratulations!! smile

midwife99 Wed 16-May-12 21:52:56

After what he did yesterday he thinks he's allowed to sleep in the garage?! The one with the same key as the front door??! Deluded or what?!! hmm

mummytime Wed 16-May-12 21:57:04

Congratulations Starting! Great to hear your good news.

well done not responding to his text. And CONGRATULATIONS! on your new job. That is amazing, and just the tonic you need.


fedupofnamechanging Wed 16-May-12 22:08:45

Just tried to post on your old thread, before realising you have started a new one.

Many congratulations on the new job. Am so pleased for you. I think it will do you the world of good.

As far as your shit head ex is concerned, the one upside is that you have no doubts about his intentions now - he has made it crystal clear what he wants, so you don't have to wonder whether you are wrong about him.

Who is your solicitor. If it is the useless one you had right at the start, then please get another one. You deserve to have someone who'll fight your corner properly.

only4tonight Wed 16-May-12 22:18:15

The only words that should be uttered to twunt from this point forward (if you absolutely HAVE to say anything at all). Should be the mn classic line -

"Fuck off to the far side of Fuck, and when you get there Fuck off some more"

Thermalsocks Wed 16-May-12 22:21:45

Oh wow Starting that is fantastic news!! I always had a feeling you would get one of those jobs but as time went on I daren't ask anymore.
What a clever and a brave girl!! grin grin

It will make such a difference and you will be in London and in the thick of all the action.

As for twunt, I just cannot believe the audacity ....... the gift that keeps on giving!!
He wants to sleep in your garage while he plots to screw half your house off you.

I feel so happy for you baby! grin grin

Doha Wed 16-May-12 22:36:09

Fantastic news starting. The first of many new starts for you l am sure.
Keep your chin up girl. your MN fan club is cheering you

Tamdin Wed 16-May-12 22:39:10

Another one wanting to say CONGRATULATIONS on the new job. You go girl! smile

RoxyRobin Wed 16-May-12 23:12:20

o4t - How's yours going? Been promoted to CEO yet?

KirstyWirsty Wed 16-May-12 23:15:15

Congratulations on the job.. so when are you going to start? xx

Cathynclaire Wed 16-May-12 23:49:58

Well done Starting! grin

startingagain88 Thu 17-May-12 00:19:18

Thank you so much everyone blush, i haven't signed the paperwork, but that should happen in the next day or so.......... smile Im due to start on the 28th (fingers crossed)!

I couldnt believe the twunts audacity either, he basically told me a day before that he is going to 'take me for 50% of everything' , pushed his way into the house, shouting and pointing at me and then next day he's asking if he can stay...?!?!?!

I really dont understand him anymore........night everyone!

izzyizin Thu 17-May-12 03:11:37

Maybe his solicitor advised him he didn't have a leg to stand on claim or refused to act until he's put his money on the table, or he took it into his head that possession is 9/10 of the law?

Time will tell but I would suggest that, as he's clearly not averse to vindictiveness, you make sure that your car is safely locked away in your garage after dusk and is not left on the road if you're away during the day for any length of time.

I'd also suggest that you investigate the cost of installing an inexpensive cctv and a burglar alarm. If funds are tight, a dummy box with a battery operated alarm installed in visible place at the front of the house will be a deterrent to him opportunists - they're easily affordable on eBay.

FidgetPie Thu 17-May-12 07:38:36

Well done Starting - you are amazing x

GingerBlondecat Thu 17-May-12 08:09:08

I am surprised he has not yet tried to take the dog, just to upset you and isolate you further.

(((Hugs Huge Huge Humungous HUGS))))

The lyrics to "I am Woman" apply................ By Helen Reddy.
Youtube it, it is a powerful song.

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul


I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

meredeux Thu 17-May-12 09:10:52

Well done on the job!!! That is a major worry off your shoulders and it will give you good opportunities to make new friends.

But, thank God you said "no"! It was the only thing you could have said, apart from "please, do not call me ever again".

If you'd done anything else, you would have been either allowing him to call your property his home (hence weakening your case), or giving him money to support himself (weakening your case again) or paying for his accommodation elsewhere (weakening your case).

I think you've reached a turning point in your life!!!

only4tonight Thu 17-May-12 11:03:13

Jeez roxy its a mess here none of the systems work properly and the files are all over the bloody place. I am a disorganized person and if it looks bad to me it must be really bad. Everyone else seems to think its normal

oldwomaninashoe Thu 17-May-12 11:11:36

Cogratulations on the job Starting. I also think that in light of recent developments you need to think about your house security and that of your car really seriously.
Are you still thinking about moving when the house is "done"?

theonlysaneinthevillage Thu 17-May-12 12:16:06

De-lurking to say, my warning bell is deafening my ears.

He REALLY wants to get into that garage doesnt he?

Call me suscpicious, but i'd be in there having a really good look about.

I dont believe he wants to sleep there. There is something he wants in there.

or maybe when he barged into the house for the garage keys, he really was only intending on sleeping there cos he has no where else to go. ??????

I'd still look.

Congratulations on the job-brilliant.

meredeux Thu 17-May-12 12:22:43

You are right, theonlysaneinthevillage, there is something important about the garage as far as Starting's ex is concerned. Otherwise it doesn't make sense that when he is actually in the house, he would immediately leave it again and try to get into the garage.

but whatever is in there, or he thinks is in there, why didn't he take it when he had ample chances a few weeks ago?

mistlethrush Thu 17-May-12 12:55:19

Great news on the job!

He's not got a stash of something in the garage has he?

Wrongbow Thu 17-May-12 13:00:01

Oooh intriguing!! Let's hope it's a suitcase full of cash grin

midwife99 Thu 17-May-12 13:37:07

Reminds me of The Divine Comedy Song "There's something in the woodshed"!! grin

RoxyRobin Thu 17-May-12 13:37:49

o4t: Sounds like my sister's been at it. She creates chaos wherever she goes and sits happily in the midst of it. I am the exact opposite.

I was telling her off for going on about her horoscope all the time, saying there was no truth in it. I think my argument might have been more convincing if I were not the most typical Virgo ever - a fact which she pointed out to me.

You need me there to sort things out smile

Starting - with mistlethrush speaking of a stash, I thought I'd mention something which had occurred to me earlier but had dismissed.

Your ex's behaviour - the manipulativeness, the desperation for money beyond what seemed rational, the appalling treatment of nearest and dearest - put me very much in mind of the son of one of my neighbours - a nice lad to begin with. The family was the epitome of respectability - father in senior management, mother in a part-time job with the council, the other son at university.

Anyway, he got into heroin and very, very soon he became a different person, stealing anything from them he could sell. The father banned him from the house, but he still managed to break in and take more stuff. The mother still saw him regularly - she was his mother, she felt she had to help him - but he just saw her as a source of cash. It was tragic. He ended up in prison.

I know it's unlikely that this is the cause of your ex's behaviour but if he has been involved with Ms Sleazyslag for a while perhaps it's not impossible.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Thu 17-May-12 13:44:12

Hmmmm, gimp outfit and ladies high heels. Size 11. grin

izzyizin Thu 17-May-12 14:09:31

There's no red herrings here; he hasn't left anything of value in the garage.

Remember, he was round last Friday claiming he had nowhere to live and was going to park up outside your home for the night?

Barging in and snatching what he thought was the key to garage was an attempt to enact a scene from one of St Twuntbert's ploys plays wherein, having gained access to the building, he'd set himself up with a sleeping bag and a primus stove in the hope that you'd believe his spiel about being homeless and the sight of him becoming increasingly unkempt would melt your heart.

In his dreams mind, frequent knocks on your door for water, use of the loo/shower, and other sundries, would give him the opportunity to wear you down until you told him that he might as well move back in.

The clue to this man is that he wants what he wants when he wants it and he doesn't see any reason why he should have to wait for what he wants.

You've indulged him far too much, Starting. He's become accustomed to getting his own way with you and this has done nothing to address the fact that he's always been a spoilt, selfish, petulant individual.

The only reason you're surprised he's behaved as he has is that, as you haven't crossed him before, he's succeeded in hiding his true character from you.

But I'm guessing that if you think back, you'll see the signs that you chose to ignore at the time.

meredeux Thu 17-May-12 14:21:17

so no drugs then?

izzys post makes a lot of sense actually, although the idea of gimp mask and size 11 heels should put a smile on startings face grin

yep, I think izzy has it spot on.

izzyizin Thu 17-May-12 18:01:41

Nah, sorry about that meredeux, but maybe the ow threw him out because she caught him in her undies and a gimp mask a la Catkins' suggestion?grin

Catkinsthecatinthehat Thu 17-May-12 18:51:50

It's funny how often the issue of the garage has come up during Starting's threads. Despite the fact the tosser made it clear he was leaving for good, he constantly failed to clear out the garage as requested by Starting on several occasions.

I wonder if he thought that having all his possessions at his former home would bolster his legal case? If so, another reason to get rid of any residual crap. Starting, tell him he collects it on a date convenient to you or it goes in a skip. However, you ought to make sure that there's someone big and burly to oversee him just in case he refuses to leave the garage and starts squatting there!

izzyizin Thu 17-May-12 18:57:18

Regardless of whether there's anything that belongs to him, he's had more than fair notice to collect his stuff and has long forfeited any rights to any items of his that may remain in the garage.

There's no way that you should allow him access to any part of your property, Starting, and that includes the garage.

agree again with izzy <at the risk of her thinking I am stalking her> everything now belongs to you starting, he is entiltled to fleece you no more!

RoxyRobin Thu 17-May-12 23:04:02

Goodnight, starting, if you're on.

You'll have been busy today I reckon. Hope all is calm and peaceful.

Sleep well xx

southlundon Fri 18-May-12 10:17:02

Morning Starting! Such brilliant news about the job offer - hope it all geos through for you smile

woo its Friday, what you got planned for this weekend? sailing? out with your London friends?

hope all is calm for you.

Thermalsocks Fri 18-May-12 12:26:39

Morning Starting. Hope you are still basking in the glow of your success.
Is it all signed and sealed now?

Hope you haven't found any bearded, greasy haired gnomes living in your woodshed/garage!
Please put us out of our misery re GarageGate!
Does Twunt still have any of his 'stuff' left in the garage or he really does 'just' want to set up camp there?

Supposed to be a sunny weekend. Perfect for sailing! smile smile

only4tonight Sat 19-May-12 07:41:30

Hey. How's it going?

Hope you are having a peaceful weekend Starting thanks

startingagain88 Sat 19-May-12 18:32:33


Sorry i havent updated for a few days!!

I think he wanted to 'move into' the shed simply to be one step closer to the house, im sure he was going to lay it on really thick, any try and make me feel guilty and let him move back that he has laid his cards on the table I will be expecting a letter re the house very very soon!

Im been quite busy over the last few days, Thrusday, I had dinner with sailing girl, Friday i helped out at volunteering doing some PR out in the community, speaking to lots of people which i enjoyed. Tonight I am going to Broadstairs where they are having a 'big' weekend, tonight they have a big screen on the beach and are showing Grease, im not a massive fan of the film but the food, drink and atmosphere should be fun!! smile

RoxyRobin Sat 19-May-12 18:44:27

Great! Enjoy yourself!

captainmummy Sat 19-May-12 19:00:11

Wow - that is what a social life looks like! envy

izzyizin Sat 19-May-12 19:16:54

Sex Grease on the Beach? Sounds great - enjoy!

fedupofnamechanging Sat 19-May-12 19:56:06

Glad you are okay - was starting to get a bit worried about you.

Hope you have fun x

PHEW!! I've finally caught up with all this. I only read the first thread and didn't see the others but then i remembered - you are the lady with the dog near the sea smile

My heart was in my mouth a bit back there Starting - i thought you were going to crumble. I thought you were going to allow him to manipulate you into coming back.
I'm almost glad he came round, pushed himself into the house and started shouting, as upsetting as that was for you, because he showed you finally that is all he is interested in . The house and your money.

The way he has acted and the texts he allowed that woman to send - most decent people would have left you alone after a split. But he misses the lifestyle. He knows pretty soon he'll be up shit creek without a paddle so he constantly engages you as back up and you let him play you like fiddle.

You need to block his number now. Lots of us have asked you to. There is no need to speak or see this man ever again. You have no children and he does not own half of the house.

If you cut contact from now on it will be so much easier.
You can then carry on with your new life, the new friends you are making and the new job.

So much has happened in these last couple of months for you. You are only 36, please don't tie yourself down with this freeloader, he does not deserve you.

It's time to go forwards and not backwards!

MushroomSoup Sun 20-May-12 09:19:26

Just read all three threads in one go! Had to stop
At 2.30am to sleep and started again at 7!
Just wanted to pass on my sincere admiration Starting - I can't believe how quickly you are adapting and moving on (although I appreciate it's hard).
Also just wanted to share the picture that has formed in my head of the pair of you through reading this 'saga' - you both started off about the same size physically in my mind but whereas you have grown taller and slimmer and more 'polished' over time, he has become shorter, squatter, unkempt, tramp like and has a comb over and hairy nostrils!

Thermalsocks Sun 20-May-12 13:11:27

Wow Starting! So good to hear that you are so busy socially.

You must also be very busy getting ready for your new job. Will you still be able to fit in your volunteering?
Your world is really taking off now in all ways and I think you are now strong enough and aware enough not to be dragged back by the siren calls of twunt.

Please keep popping back to let us know you are ok and how you are getting on. Some of us need to live vicariously through your exciting new life! grinx

startingagain88 Sun 20-May-12 16:07:25


Thank you, i had a lovely time last night, really enjoyed myself. I'm trying to get out and about more, and slowly making new friends, still feel lonely at times though and today is one of those times!

Bringbacksideburns......thank you for your support, everything you say is true, i am now trying to focus on my future not my past, Mushroom my ex is not quite as bad as you describe but he is certainly getting there!smile

I still find it hard to accept what a bastard he has turned into, since he left he is like a different person, i don't recognise him, he is a liar and will do anything to get money out of me, no doubt i will on here next week looking for advice when he tries to fleece me for everything i have!

Thermal, i still need the help of all of you wonderful posters! i am far from 'cured' yet, you guys won't be getting rid of me that easily smile

Thermalsocks Sun 20-May-12 16:32:20

Yes Sundays can be a bugger and it seems you always seem to have a bit of a downturn after you have had a busy and sociable few days.
Probably when you are working hard all week, you will glad of a bit of quiet time at the weekend.

We wouldn't expect you to be 'cured' yet but you have come so far in really such a short time.

captainmummy Sun 20-May-12 16:44:29

Mushroomsoup - it's like one of those soap operas - tune in next week for the next exciting installment! Except you can read it all in one go. V exciting!

One thing does strike me tho Starting - how sure are you that this latest OW is a one-off? I know he had an affair a while ago, when you needed him (when your parents died) and of course this one, but you only found out about this OW because he left. Did you have any inkling about it before he left? How can you be sure he hasn't had many other affairs, which ended pretty quickly when they found out what a twunk he is?

midwife99 Sun 20-May-12 17:54:10

You have been utterly dignified throughout starting & don't need to be cured of anything!

I dont think you 'need a cure' I think you need to be rid of him (which you are now) and start a new life, also something you are doing.

Sundays can be rubbish, even with a family/friends.

Keep on keeping on. You are doing marvellously well.

KirstyWirsty Sun 20-May-12 21:39:20

Hey Starting Glad you had a good weekend .. when are you starting work?

ps got a viewer tomorrow first one in two months of being on the market.. asked PRCK to cut the grass but he said he would but didn't .. been cleaning and gardening all weekend... Twunt !! Fingers crossed!!! xx

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 11:38:12

Morning All,

Well hes gone and done it sad if completely shitting on my life isn't enough, my solicitor received a 'Part 36' Offer from his solicitor yesterday, he wants half of everything....... , my house, my investment flat, my savings and even half of the value of a classic VW Campervan I've got in the garage!!, he also wants me to pay half of his Credit Card bill (which is in his name only, I was a cardholder)!!

What a fucking tosser.... he hasn't even stated his case, all he is saying that that we had a 'common intention' that everything would be held in equal shares that is a lie and he knows it, he has even asked for me to move out of MY HOUSE so that he can finish the renovation work (god know how long that would take at his pace!!), so the house can then be sold and the profits split.

Can you believe him? sad

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 11:39:12

Lying cheating tosser angry angryangry

springydaffs Tue 22-May-12 11:44:27

what a joker <hollow laugh>

I wonder who paid for his lawyer? The one who's taking him for a ride by making him think he may have a case?

giagindi Tue 22-May-12 11:44:33

Longtime lurker but !!!!!!! OMG. What a dickwad. What did your solicitor say? At least you know he doesn't have a leg to stand on but it's still pretty horrible. Am sure you'll get some good advice today. Hugs from Sydney.

mistlethrush Tue 22-May-12 11:47:32

True colours shone through.

Starting - you can get through this, you really can.

meredeux Tue 22-May-12 11:48:09

Did you keep the text where he says he wants nothing?

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 11:49:40

Oh Starting, what an absolute bastard little shit he is!
What a shock for you.

Don't panic. Have you got a decent solicitor, one who specialises in this sort of thing. Can you use Collaborate?

Can't offer any legal advice but am positive he hasn't a hope of all that.
Am just here to hand hold. Think how satisying it will be when he loses!

Fight fight fight the Bastard!!!! angry angry angry

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 11:50:12

My solictor is responding to say that they are not following the correct protocol as there is no information included regarding what evidence his case is based on.

His sense of entitlement is unbelievable....

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 11:55:41

He knows that he is lying about the 'common intention', it never existed.....but he doesnt care he just wants money, im using Collaborate, my other solicitor was useless.

Im going to have to fight, i havent got much of a choice sad

southlundon Tue 22-May-12 11:56:31

Oh fucking hell angry I'm fuming for you. The lying, cheating, bastard.

(Sorry I have no practical advice for you sad )

Cathynclaire Tue 22-May-12 12:03:13

What a lying toerag!!! I'm fuming angry on your behalf too.

Wrongbow Tue 22-May-12 12:04:26

What an absolute fucking piece of shit he is!

He KNOWS he is not entitled to anything - he is just hoping that you will pay up to make him go away, rather than fight. But you will FIGHT!

Cathynclaire Tue 22-May-12 12:04:49

You could counter that he can only keep the van, that you paid for, if he then sods off (or equivalent legal terminology).

lexluther Tue 22-May-12 12:04:53

Am absolutely livid on your behalf - what an arse! Sorry that he's putting you through this on top of the rest of it sad

Wrongbow Tue 22-May-12 12:05:02

... and you will win!!

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 12:05:14

That's good that you are using Collaborate.
I suspect Dickhead only has enough money for one or two threatening letters in the hopes that you'll crumble and at least give him a payoff.

His credit card bill??!!!! That'll be you paying for 5* holiday with OW then!!
Well his credit card bill will soon be much bigger while you are off on your swish new job! xx

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-May-12 12:08:23

"common intention" that means nothing esp if there is no evidence to prove this and you have got texts saying the opposite haven't you?

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 12:11:07

Words fail me!!! Collaborate will deal with the lowlife & his back street bargain basement idiot lawyer!

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:16:31

There is no evidence to show a common intention such as a document etc, but i am sure he will give oral evidence to the contrary, i have a text from im saying he doesn't want money from me, but nothing to say that he doesn't think he has a claim.

If i intended him to have a state in my assets i would have added him to the deeds, or drawn up a deed of trust, he knows that was not my intention, but he doesn't care he wants to destroy me in every way possible sad I dont know what i have done to deserve thissad

oldwomaninashoe Tue 22-May-12 12:19:18

He's really chancing his luck isn't he! He's hoping that you will have a wobbly and cave into at least some of his demands.
Stay strong!
we are all behind you, I am actually quite livid at his audacity, on your behalf!

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 12:21:02

Don't fret - it's nothing more than scare tactics and only to be expected from a piece of gobshite whose true colours are blacker than the night.

RoxyRobin Tue 22-May-12 12:22:46

Well, you knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any the less infuriating.

At least it'll have completely annihilated every last vestige of fondness you might have been harbouring in the deep recesses. We all hate him, too. angry

All you can do is trust in Collaborate and put yourself in his hands (metaphorically - I seem to remember he's married!).

I know when you're embroiled in this sort of dispute it can dominate your life - try not to let it undermine your new-found optimism.

Chin up, lovely girl xx

BelieveInPink Tue 22-May-12 12:25:03

Legally, how much of a chance does he have of getting half? Serious question by the way.

Even though you're not married, is he not entitled to half?

Not suggesting he should get half, or anything for that matter, the great big toss face, but I'm just worried that he might actually screw you over and if that happens I hope he contracts a disease where a thousand scorpions ravage his testicles until he dies of actual pain. (coolest disease ever, no?)

Good Luck.

What an idiot. At least, you have your assets, you have a job, let the lawyer get on with it. Your ex needs to provide evidence to support this claim. Your evidence is the lack of documentation stating he has any ownership, and your deeds that dont mention him.

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:25:24

Do you guys really think so? This is all scare tactics? What an evil bastard!! Again he is trying to bully and manipulate me into giving me money......he has tried everything else, now its the legal route! sad

springydaffs Tue 22-May-12 12:27:47


sorry to shout honey but, really, this guy is showing his true colours. It is a shock for you, of course, I am so sorry you have to see what he's really like in technicolour. All he wants is the money - it is his main aim, he is blind to everything else, completely one track. It is not personal (believe it or not). Try not to take it personally.

You're having to go through this in one horrid, horrid tranche. But tbh a lot of women whose men have cheated on them dragged it out for a long time, which is much more painful because it takes so long to get to the truth. Actually, it's all painful sad but this guy is throwing open the doors so you see exactly what is there, nothing hidden.

Are you still seeing your counsellor? s/he will go a long way to helping you to keep your self-esteem intact in the face of this horrible onslaught from someone you genuinely thought you could trust. Your trust has turned out to be unfounded but THAT'S BECAUSE OF HIM, NOT YOU. ((hug))

I thought this might happen as he's a desperate man and this is just the next step along the way - getting nasty.

He really is horrible.

Do not let him bring you down further Starting - no more!
Time to get angry - ask the legal people on here who know what they are talking about and get the best legal help possible.

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 12:30:11

Well you can give lots of oral evidence as to what a lying cheating untrustworthy little shit he is!

If it comes down to his word against yours there is no contest!!

Just grind his greasy bearded face into the dust Starting. We'll all help you!
angry angry

Actually, to save money, you could even just reply to his solicitors letters yourself and say he will have to pursue this in court as you find his attempts to get assets that he never had any ownership over laughable.

You might not even need to involve any lawyer now.

You could also post in Legal here and get some advice.

TimeForMeAndDD Tue 22-May-12 12:30:59

I lived with my ex for 11 years, we had a child together, he was an abusive arse and I was forced to leave but I wasn't entitled to a penny, not half his house, one of his cars, nothing! Don't worry, stay calm, it is scare tactics.

You are doing great, you know?

fedupofnamechanging Tue 22-May-12 12:31:10

Hi starting.

I am so sorry to hear that once again he has behaved like an utter prick.

Please don't panic though. Remember that his solicitor will basically do whatever twunt instructs him to do - it doesn't mean he's got a case. It's no skin off the solicitor's nose to send out claims like this, knowing they have no basis in reality, because the solicitor will get paid, regardless of outcome.

Him claiming that you promised him X means jack shit - what counts is what's on paper. If the paper records didn't count, then no one would ever have contracts/deeds etc. All agreements would be verbal.

He may claim that you promised him the world, but you say you didn't - his word against yours. The onus is on him to prove it. He can't claim half your property on a totally unsubstantiated claim, otherwise we would all be able to go around making claims against people who have something we want.

You have evidence about the unfinished state of the house and it's current value.

As for the credit card - the whole point of a main card holder is that they knowingly accept responsibility for the card. The second card holder is entitled to no info regarding the account unless the main holder gives consent and has no liability for it. He is chancing his arm here.

I bet his solicitor has said words to the effect of 'scare the shit out of starting by asking for the moon and she might, out of panic and to make you go away, offer you something'. Don't play into his hands - make the fucker dig deep and pay for his legal 'case'.

So sorry, once again. You truly deserve better.

RoxyRobin Tue 22-May-12 12:32:22

sideburns - Starting posted on the legal boards ages ago - and found the solicitor she is actually using on there.

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:36:14

Believe, he is not on the deeds or mortgage of the properties and came to the relationship with nothing, i had inheritance money from my parents. i earned the majority of the income over the years and all of it for the last four/five until he started his business approx eight months ago, we drew very lttle from his business as he wasnt earning enough i had to support us most of the time with my savings. He has done work on the properties, but he was not bringing in an income at the time.

There was never a intention for him to have a share in my assets, thats why i kept them separate he knew this.

The last couple of posts sound more positive Starting re: his 'claim!'

Good luck - stay strong.

He is a miserable little scrote!

BelieveInPink Tue 22-May-12 12:37:28

But why wouldn't he be entitled to something? Unmarried people divorce and get a settlement? Even if a house is not in joint names, the other party gets something?

Genuinely curious as to why people are so sure he won't get what he wants.

BelieveInPink Tue 22-May-12 12:39:12

Cross posts, sorry. I see. But still, you hear about women getting settlements despite not actually contributing, working etc.

Hopefully an aggressive solicitor's letter will make him piss off.

cenicienta Tue 22-May-12 12:39:27

Glad you're using Collaborate... I would have trusted him as well!

I think you probably know deep down he has no legal claim! You're worried and upset because a)the man you loved has resorted to this and b)you are a lovely person and worry that you really are being a bit unfair to take everything away from him.

The facts are that he has been sponging off you for years. You have enabled a very nice life style for him. That has all come to an end, due to his own doing, and he now has to survive on his own. And he doesn't know how.

He IS living on a different planet at the moment, he can't see reality any more. Unfortunately for him the UK legal system doesn't change every time someone has an affair or mid life crisis. He IS trying to scare you, and will soon realise he doesn't have a hope (or enough money) to keep going with this so will back away with his tail between his legs.

Stand firm Starting! This won't be pleasant for you but you WILL come through it!

And you soon will have a new job, loads of new friends and will look back on all this and think "phew"!

RoxyRobin Tue 22-May-12 12:41:00

Unmarried people don't divorce - how can they? They are not married. I think you mean separate.

And see Timeforme's post ^^

meredeux Tue 22-May-12 12:45:43

What will happen when he runs out of money for paying his solicitor? Will he just give up or threaten starting in person? (Sorry to talk about you as though you are not hear starting, but many people here seem to have his measure, and forewarned is forearmed).

Just found this on

Unlike married couples, unmarried couples have no basic rights to their partner's property or to maintenance if they split up. Basically what is his is his, what is hers is hers, and what is jointly-owned needs to be divided.

This applies to the home as well. Therefore if a house is bought in joint names (either as beneficial joint tenants, or as tenants-in-common - scroll down more info on these terms) then it should be split accordingly on separation, and either party can force a sale of the property to realise their share.
* If the parties are contributing unequally to the purchase price, or to payments on the property, then this should be reflected by being designated as tenants-in-common and holding unequal shareholdings (say 70% and 30%), rather than the equal shareholdings of beneficial joint tenants.
**If the property is in the sole name of one party then basically it remains that person's property on separation, unless the other party can establish that there was a common intention that they would be entitled to a share in the property. How do they do this? Here are a few examples:
It may have been agreed in a simple conversation (proving it tends to be the problem!), or in writing between the parties at some time
**The other party has directly contributed to the purchase price the courts are likely to accept that at least part of the property should have been in their name
There has been an "understanding" between the parties and the non-owner has acted to their detriment as a result (e.g. contributed to mortgage repayments, paid household bills, or, perhaps, sold their own property) then the courts may agree they should share in the property.

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:46:37

He is trying to scare me into making an 'offer' i know, he's not getting a penny out of me which he doesnt have to fight tooth and nail for, he has had enough over the years, he knows he is lying, the wanker!!

He can go out and earn his own money, he has the tools to do so, and the van I PAID FOR!

Springy you are right, in a way this has done me a favour because i f**king hate him now, he knew my mum and dad and he wants to take my inheritance and everything i have worked for from me after breaking my heart what a git, he rode on my coattails all these years, and now he has chosen to get off the gravy train, he wants to take the gravy with him!

He has no morals, no dignity, no self respect, I hope he and his lovely OW will be very happy, they deserve each other!

ljgibbs Tue 22-May-12 12:47:36

Starting, he and his solicitor are trying to scare you. He's hoping that you are scared and lonely and will cave in and give him what he wants, dont, stand firm and get your solicitor to tell him to fuck off (but in legal terms).

captainmummy Tue 22-May-12 12:47:47

Don;t worry too much about the sols letter -we get letters from solicitors at work all the time,mostly claiming stuff we know to be untrue. Even I (a lowly accounts clerk) know that most of what they claim is rubbbish in law

Believeinpink - why would he be entitled to anything? If he'd contributed to the value of the house, the household bills etc then maybe, but he didn;t. He lived off Starting for years, did the bare minimum DIY, and took a car/van/money for his business from her. He owes her, imo.

cenicienta Tue 22-May-12 12:50:57

he's not getting a penny out of me which he doesnt have to fight tooth and nail for, he has had enough over the years,

Just keep repeating that and don't back down!

If you waver just post on here!

(Cheering loudly from the sidelines!)

Let collaborate do his job for you.

You know you exp only wants money.

As for his credit card bill have you used it since he left. If you have you may have to pay for those bits.

giagindi Tue 22-May-12 12:53:44

Yes I would love to be a fly on the wall if Collaborate sent a letter counter claiming for everything you actually gave him Starting!!!!

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:54:15

Where, No i haven't used that credit card for a long long time, probably years in fact!

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 12:55:32

You've got a camper van in your garage? No wonder he wanted to move into such a comfy billet from which to play his violin worm his way back into your affections.

Of course it's scare tactics - he's failed to jerk your chain in any other way. In the absence of any documentation to substantiate his assertions, he hasn't got a legal leg to stand on and this latest salvo is merely more of his tiresome bluff and bluster which you have become increasingly familiar with of late.

There's no need to panic, no need to rush to reply, and absolutely no need to consider making him any offer whatsoever except of the 'bring it on, see you in Court' variety after nit picking protracted correspondence has racked up his legal costs.

In the highly improbable event that he'll be found giving oral evidence against you in a court of law, I'll alert the press and hire a charabanc for mumsnetters to jeer cheer his arrival at, and/or departure from, court with a rotten fruit and egg salad.

On the strength of this I suspect he's back with the ow, who'll be eagerly planning how to spend your money, and I wouldn't be surprised if you receive more texts from Ms Sleazylay her in the near future.

Wrongbow Tue 22-May-12 12:56:31

We will all be behind you all the way!

Hopefully as Thermalsocks says he will run out of money to pay the solicitor soon and then he will have to give up.

Wrongbow Tue 22-May-12 12:58:03

In the highly improbable event that he'll be found giving oral evidence against you in a court of law, I'll alert the press and hire a charabanc for mumsnetters to jeer cheer his arrival at, and/or departure from, court with a rotten fruit and egg salad.

love it izzy - I'll be there grin

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 12:58:14

I just cant believe that he feels like he is entitled to half of everything, like if we were married or if we owned everything jointly, that is simply not the case.

He also KNOWS that i never promised him a share of anything, that is why i was so reluctant to get married, I wanted to protect my assets, i was open with him about that.

Wrongbow Tue 22-May-12 13:00:14

He doesn't feel he is entitled Starting, he knows he isn't - he is just trying his luck because he is a greedy, selfish, lazy, heartless fuckwit.

bamboobutton Tue 22-May-12 13:00:45

been following your thread but never posted as i have no useful advice to offer. i am amazed at how you're doing!

only legal thing i can see that might cause problems is if he decides to try and claim back money/time/whatever for the work he did on the house.
my bil did a similar thing to his ex, i can't remember exactly what the outcome was but i think he agreed to settle out of court.

does he have paperwork, bills etc that might be used to get money that way?

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 13:00:45

Izzy grin love it!! That would be brillant!

Right let collaborate deal with him and you concentrate on your new life.

Are you ready for starting work next week. Do you need anything.

Are you going out again with your sailing friend, it nice and sunny here can you go and enjoy the nice weather.

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 13:05:37

Bamboo, he did do work on the house, but it is not finished, in fact its a s**thole at the moment!... while he was doing this work he wasnt 'working' outside the home IYSWIM, he wasnt bringing in a income. My solicitor advises me that as he was doing this work in return for his food, drink, BEER, rent, Credit Card, Car Payments, Holidays etc that it would hard for him to say that he thought he was doing it for a share in the house, as he was doing it in return for his 'keep' if you like.

springydaffs Tue 22-May-12 13:07:09

His lack of claim is laughable here. There is no point at all that he has a claim on any level. You haven't even used the credit card and if he claims for the hours he's spent doing up the house that'll be about ooo <sucks teeth> 2? 3?

It is very unusual when one gets into a legal wrangle for there to be no grey areas - but it really does look like there really are none Starting. Gosh!

Count me in/on that charabanc <rah rah>

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 13:14:52

In cases like this, if they do get to court, don't they call on character witnesses?

Who would he use --- his mate from down the pub, scaggy OW?

You could call on ex employers, senior colleagues.
No contest.

I hope he is back with OW as she will only drag him further down and their life together sounded like hell.

This will probably turn out to be the best thing that he could have done to you!

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 13:17:45

Oooh yes, put me down for the chara trip as well.
I'll bring the flour!

fedupofnamechanging Tue 22-May-12 13:20:44

I would be very tempted to proceed really slowly with this - the longer it takes, the more money he has to pay out. But I understand you will probably want this over and done with asap. Ask your solicitor if it is worth you ending him a shit scary letter asking for your van back etc.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 22-May-12 13:21:20

Perhaps he paid for the tatoo with the credit card!

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 13:29:13

Oh yes the classy tattoo, i keep forgetting about that! Ahh true love [boak]

MushroomSoup Tue 22-May-12 13:36:13

I agree that this is just scare tactics. When I split from my ExH, he asked me to pay my share of the bills which I thought perfectly reasonable. He gave me the phone bill which was nearly £500 for one month!! It was usually about £30. There were hundreds and hundreds of itemised phone calls, all made after I'd moved out. Obviously I passed it back to him and wouldn't pay as it wasn't my bill. He tried to insist, even through his solicitor, that I was still responsible for the bill because it was my fault he'd had to ring everybody in our address book (including my college friends from 10 years before) to tell them what a fucking bitch I was!!!

springydaffs Tue 22-May-12 13:43:09

mushroom you just coulnd't make it up eh <holds sides>

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 13:43:23

that is why i was so reluctant to get married, I wanted to protect my assets

This says it all, doesn't it? If you'd had any other intention you'd have married or have put it in writing... let's see him argue that one.

The fact that you had your head screwed on right suggests that either you consciously or subconsciously knew that he was a taker and not a giver, or that your dm has been watching over you throughout.

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 13:48:01

His boakworthy trampstamp tasteful tattoo can be used as evidence of his intentions towards you

I have a particular reason for asking... was the happy couple's recent 5* break in or out of the UK?

KirstyWirsty Tue 22-May-12 13:48:44

Hey Starting sounds like you are getting some good advice from Collaborate

I can't believe that your XP has sunk so low .. he really is a worm isn't he??

I'd love to see his face (and his lawyers bill) when he finds out he's entitled to sweet FA! grin

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 13:51:03

Izzy, it was out of the UK, Dublin to be exact.

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 13:51:39

Thanks Kirsty, i know smile what a tosser!

Mogyzogwon Tue 22-May-12 13:59:46

I'm pretty sure he has no claim at all and would suggest your solicitor write back to him dismissing his fanciful claim as having no merit whatsoever and to fuck off.

I would also up the ante in that letter to his solicitor by asking him to get his client to return the van and the Merc to you immediately as you have paid for them and consider them to be your property. If he wants to dispute this, then more costs will be involved.

The sooner you drain his finances the better. No solicitor is going to work for this scumbag or anybody else on credit especially when he gets some inkling that thiscocklodging scrounger hasn't got a pot to piss in.

Stay brave, everything will work out fine.

I'll be on that chara too. Can't wait!!

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 14:02:23

I still have this niggling feeling that they may have married either in your local registry office or in Dublin. I know I'm not the only to have expressed this view - someone else up thread was of the same mind but I can't recall their name.

When I have time I'll check marriage banns requirements in Eire. They could have married locally by special licence.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 22-May-12 14:06:45

May I suggest a counter-claim against him for all the rent he didn't pay/bills he didn't contribute to over the years? Then when he comes back whining about the DIY he made a lousy job of, you can either say ok then, I'll knock it off the rent you should have been paying, that still leaves you owing about x years' worth; or if you're in a really bad mood, say you'll charge him for the cost of getting professionals in to correct the rubbish job he's done so far and finish it off properly. Don't forget to charge him for the van and other business start-up costs; can't believe you haven't actually done that yet. If you have any bills to show, so much the better. (Photocopies only of course.) If that doesn't make him back off quietly, nothing will! Then you show what a lovely person you are by not pursuing him for the excess, including any legal costs of fighting his half-assed claim.

The bonus is that his solicitor and the classy GF will get a peek at the other side of the argument, not that it really matters what they believe.

izzyizin Tue 22-May-12 14:09:43

You did take photos of the 'work' he'd undertaken before you got some remedial repairs carried out recently?

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 14:15:34

Izzy, yes i have photos of the state he has left the house in! I also thought they may have got married while in Dublin, i did ask him, but he said they hadnt, would that make a difference to his case?

Mogyzogwon Tue 22-May-12 14:20:31

A couple of thoughts:

1/ How would he finance the renovations to your house?

2/ Why would you need to move out? (so he could move in)

Just for a laugh, why don't you ask for a copy of his credit card statement so you can appertain any expenditure you may be responsible for. Reading it should be very interesting? Yes,I would definitely ask for a copy just to fuck him about. It could reveal a lot to you and his solicitor when you dispute your liability.

Xales Tue 22-May-12 14:22:20

i did ask him, but he said they hadnt, How many times has he lied to you over the last few months starting? You don't believe that do you?

I actually think you sound good and strong. I know this is scary, nasty and hurts but a few weeks ago it would have floored you and you wouldn't have known where to start. You actually sound like you have a grip right now.

He hasn't got a chance in hell and with the expert help you have from here I think you know it smile

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 14:26:29


1)By claiming half of my savings as part of the'deal'
2)I think he would want to move in (cheek!)

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 14:28:57

Xales, how could i find out ?- i could visit my local registry office but in Ireland im not so sure?

oldwomaninashoe Tue 22-May-12 14:33:48

I wondered whether or not they had got married, i mean why otherwise would you have a tatoo done on your ring finger.

PooPooInMyToes Tue 22-May-12 14:34:44

Cheeky fucker!

Your solicitor sounds like he has his head screwed on.

Can you counter claim for the van, car and business? His tools? Ha ha ha [evil laugh]

southlundon Tue 22-May-12 14:35:02

Izzy great idea - I'd certainly be there to scream abuse at er throw rotten fruit at check out Starting's NightmareExP.


Mogyzogwon Tue 22-May-12 14:37:00

If you get a copy of the credit card statement which he trying to make you pay, then if you have little or no liability, it will illustrate to anybody/judge/ solicitors,what a money grabbing self serving scheming twat this arsehole is.

Some character reference !!!!!!!

Xales Tue 22-May-12 14:38:00

I have no idea. I am sure someone will know here though smile

It is just, this man has sent a letter wanting you to move out of your own house you have paid for so he can move in. Why would you believe that he hadn't got married?

What other reason would there be for the tattoo?

Thermalsocks Tue 22-May-12 15:07:12

Marriage and divorce certificates are public documents.

In this country you can apply via the govt website but you have to pay and you need some basic details and a rough idea of dates.
Or go direct to local register office.
(I once did this to find out if someone was actually divorced blush

There is an Irish equivalent

Or you can use commercial search agencies which charge a lot more but do it for you.

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 15:18:50

Still speechless!! confused

startingagain88 Tue 22-May-12 15:29:40

Midwife, I know, i cant believe his cheek either ! angry

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 15:33:40

And that's not like me!! Reminds me of the time ex told his solicitor he had "provided all the clothes for our baby since she was born" = one bag of too small second hand clothes his boss gave him! grin

Just caught up and Im gobsmacked, but not totally surprised really!

I can't wait to see what the idiot comes up with next, what a guy eh!

I agree with the others though starting, I dont think he has a legal leg to stand on here, Id just sit back and watch him dig himself deeper into the hole he is making for himself now.

...and Please book me a seat on the charabanc too!

Love and hugs to you starting, you are doing really well in spite of this set back, I know its a sad time for you but I love reading your updates admire you so much X

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 15:37:07

If its any reassurance my brother lived with his ex for 13 years. House & mortgage in her name but he gave her money every month by standing order for his share of the bills & did all the DIY. When they split HE GOT NOTHING despite his efforts via a solicitor. They weren't married, bills etc in her name. He was merely classed as paying rent like a lodger. Try not to worry. wink

crabbyoldbat Tue 22-May-12 15:39:30

I've been following your story from the start, startingagain and it's great that you're so angry and over him now. Just stay angry while you fend off his moneygrabbing, then let it go and get on with your life.

Anyway, what difference would it make if he has got married? I don't think starting should care, or bother to find out. might make a difference to his claims in court.

A decent solicitor will ask him, well Mr Dickwad Starting, if your application is based on a "common intention" then why is it you left Starting and got married to Ms slutbitchfromhell X without first securing your "assets" from relationship first?

Its a simple question that will have a judge raising his eyebrows and seeing the case for what it is.

I bet he is kicking himself that he left now starting, if he had stayed and got legal advice before moving out then he may have had a stronger case

bamboobutton Tue 22-May-12 15:54:37

phew, it's good to know your solicitor is on top of it.

it think BILs ex only paid him to get rid of him. as it was considered work on their home he couldn't claim.... i dunno, it was complicated and i was only hearing ILs side of things & as bil is an arse to women i couldn't care less if he didn't get any money from her.

don't cave like she did just to get rid of him.

OMFG! starting how low is this excuse for a man?

1 - You have evidence that he cocklodged didnt pay his way.
2 - You paid for his work van and a MErc for him to swam around in.
3 - You have pictures of the dodgy DIY Ex did and presumably bills from pink OH for the repair work he did to correct the dodgy bits.
4 - Why the feck would someone get a tattoo on their ring finger of OW name if they had no intention of marrying/staying with them?
5 - What kind of tattoo artist works on pissed people? (Sure there is a law regarding that)
6 - He is trying hard to scare you into giving him money. DONT. You are not liable for anything and can prove beyond doubt that he sponged off you for years and years, while you were vulnerable and continued to do so until he left you for another woman!

He is an absolute bastard and under no circumstances are you liable for anything to do with him. If anything you have a claim on the Merc and his work van if you paid the loan/payments.

I shall also be there bearing witness chucking rotten fruit at him in court, should it come to that!

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 16:06:05

Group MN Trip to Whitstable Magistrates Court if necessary!!!

Yep, sounds like a plan midwife, although I strongly suspect when legal try to unpick his laughable "case" it wont get that far.

crabbyoldbat Tue 22-May-12 16:11:10

Thanks, Last. I'm not sure it's worth the trouble of finding out just in case the judge thinks it's an insight into his character, which I doubt would be taken much into account in this sort of case- it's about who's got a legal right to what, I think. (i.e. Starting = pretty much everything, him = nothing) Still, it's up to starting.

Its not just an insight into his character though crabby, it will be the fact that he believes he is entitled to half (all of a sudden) but what has he actually done to secure those assets.

The answer is "nothing"... fact is he was the one who left starting, she didnt chuck him out remember.

If he was so certain he was owed anything from the relationship he would/should have sorted that out before leaving.

Getting subsequently married to the OW is evidence he had "moved on" with no further claims to anything owned by starting.

This will be interesting to a judge in court.

crabbyoldbat Tue 22-May-12 16:36:11

Getting subsequently married to the OW is evidence he had "moved on" with no further claims to anything owned by starting

Good point

crazynell Tue 22-May-12 17:21:26

hi Starting i go away on my holiday for a week or so and when i come back all hell has let loose!! smile

Glad to see you're stronger and fighting - the twatfaced idiot.

I bet he's expecting you to respond to his crazy request now - he's expecting you to get upset or shout or whatever - my advice would to maintain a dignified silence - that will flummox him as he won't know how to react - he may end up having to ask if you got the solicitors letter and then i would just "oh, that, yes my solicitor is dealing with it"
You don't have to stoop to his level and you don't owe him anything - HE owes you.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Tue 22-May-12 17:34:25

While the letter demanding 50% of everything is chancing his arm, I wouldn't be surprised if lover-boy made another, more contrite appearance on Starting's doorstep, blaming it all on the nasty solicitor (just as the horrible texts were the OW's fault). He's soooooo sorry, and doesn't want half of everything really and it's all got terribly out of hand. All he needs is £X amount to start again and he'll be gone forever. You'll just need to compromise and because you still love him, and you've had 15 years together you owe him something, just a few thousand, pretty please etc etc.

Flame thrower at the ready!

I wouldnt be surprised either catkins sad

captainmummy Tue 22-May-12 18:03:16

Yep that's how it'll go -especially when he finds out that it'll cost too much for his solicitor to do anything more on such a flimsy case

midwife99 Tue 22-May-12 18:13:11

Yes the solicitor will refuse to act further without payment on account MONTHLY!

I agree, you havent seen the last of him playing the 'little boy lost' card.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there to fuck off some more. And you CAN quote me on that. wink

mistlethrush Tue 22-May-12 19:31:14

I would certainly pose the question to your solicitor whether you should counter claim against the van and merc. I wouldn't bother about 50% though, go the whole hog and claim 100%. grin

We'll all be lining up with pompoms to wave at this rate.

EverybodysSleepyEyed Tue 22-May-12 20:05:53

So you paid for his van?

Could you not reply saying he has no legal standing to any of your assets but as a gesture of goodwill you won't make him pay you back the cost of the van?

Ponders Tue 22-May-12 20:11:25

there's no risk, is there, that starting having paid for all that on a no-strings basis might actually strengthen his claim of "common intention"? confused

KirstyWirsty Wed 23-May-12 08:57:48

How's things Starting? Did you respond to the letter?


I dont think so ponders it will just show what a greedy, cocklodging, scrounging eejit he is. angry

I am sure someone on legal will help starting if she needs 'wording' and she also has what sounds like a decent solicitor.

midwife99 Thu 24-May-12 11:10:29

Aye up chuck, you ok?

Thermalsocks Thu 24-May-12 11:55:10

Hi Starting. Was also just wondering how you were.

Hope you are managing to feel a bit calmer and more peaceful.

Once things have got to this stage ie. in the hands of solicitors, I think it is easier to detach a bit -- you are in their hands now and there is nothing you can really do for the time being.

So I hope you are focusing on getting ready for your new job.

meredeux Thu 24-May-12 16:08:23

Not sure if this has all been pointed out before but I just read this:-

If you read it from the perspective of your EXP, there isn't much to gain comfort in it.
"However, their (co-habiting) relationship with one another is not recognised as having any legal standing, and they have no special status in the eyes of the English legal system....
If you have just been living together then you should be aware that there is no such thing in English law as a "common law wife" (or husband for that matter). If you live together and your relationship breaks down then it is each man or woman for themselves." sad
It goes onto say that to protect himself, your ex should have:-
1. Made sure the house was in joint names nope-
2. Set up a simple Cohabitation/Living Together agreement nope
3. Made joint wills did you?

Then it says if the above wasn't done, he might have a case if you'd made an agreement (but he'd have to prove it), contributed financially or put up some money towards the deposit no, no, no

Anything else will be extremely expensive and time-consuming to address through the courts... but he's broke

So, the advice you are getting here is very good... drag it out, push his costs up and leave your lawyer to get on with it.

midwife99 Thu 24-May-12 16:55:11

Meredeux is correct! Jog on twunt!

Yep, jog on..and when you get here jog on some more!

Thinking of you starting, need to hear you are ok <sorry but I really am interested in how you are getting on lovely lady X>

dancingfreckles Thu 24-May-12 18:35:22

Long time lurker here but another cheerleader, your doing fab smile hope your ok

Another one who is wondering how you are? Hopefully you have been out enjoying the lovely weather that we have had and not had any hassle from the twunt ex.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 25-May-12 08:02:13

Hey starting.

How are you - haven't 'seen' you for a bit and hope all this is not getting on top of you. You okay?

only4tonight Fri 25-May-12 18:08:29

Hope the sunshine is bringing you some fun in the sun at the seaside x

RoxyRobin Fri 25-May-12 22:44:51

Been thinking about you, lovely girl.

undermyskin Fri 25-May-12 23:02:33

Hoping that you are having some fun now the sun is finally shining, and that all is sorted about job start next week

starting, I am a bit worried about you now. Hope all is ok and you are enjoying your weekend in the sun.

Thermalsocks Sat 26-May-12 19:41:53

Hi Starting, Hope you are just busy and enjoying yourself and I know you are starting your new job on Monday.
But hope you are ok. We are worried about you.

midwife99 Sat 26-May-12 21:33:46

Yeah me too. Hope there's no fuckwittery upsetting you sad

I keep checking in too

RachyRach30 Sun 27-May-12 03:42:14

Hi starting how are you doing? Nice weather at the moment.

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 17:36:41

Hi Everyone,

Sorry! , i havent updated for a while smile

Been busy, enjoying the lovely weather, sorting out the house,garage and garden- clearing out rubbish, hanging curtains, painting, sorting out crap in garage etc etc, spend yesterday and today in the garden. Went out for a lovely meal on Friday.......

Surprisingly I haven't thought much about arsewipe and the house thing- im leaving it in the hands of collaborate, he has asked exdp to put his case in detail, because basically the first letter received was just asking for money!! We will wait and see what comes back from him- until then im getting my proof together!!

Job start has been delayed, as the organisation i will be contracting to is finalising the contract with the end client- i dont mind waiting a couple more weeks....this week in particular i have started to feel the liberation of being able to do the things I want, when i want, im actually starting to enjoy myself! smile

only4tonight Sun 27-May-12 17:40:27

Sounds like all is good on the starting front. So what was this meal friday?

MaBumble Sun 27-May-12 17:41:51

So pleased you are enjoying life and getting on with things, you sound positive, bright & breezy smile

I am so pleased that you are ok. And like mabumble said, you sound happy, positive and are very much getting on with things.

Good for you. I wish you lots of fun and happiness for your future. grin

so, ex hasnt been in touch then?

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 17:49:51

Thank you!! smile Went for a lovely Italian with sailing girl, sat out on a veranda overlooking the beach, the weather was glorious.......cheered me up no end. There is a regatta on next week locally, and we will be going for a sail- (ill let you know if i survive)! smile

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 17:57:26

Jax, Im trying- i still feel low sometimes- but that is becoming less and less- twunt hasn't contacted me since Monday- Collaborate has written to his solicitor again asking him not to contact me (he seemed to ignore the first request as he was trying to call/ texting every day- looking to 'have a chat' or meet- looking for money of course.) I haven't replied/spoken to him since the day he forced his way into the house.

Saw him in a car with the OW on Saturday-(I have an idea of what she looks like) and he tried to lean right back so i wouldn't see him!!- I think he is actually quite ashamed of what he is trying to do re the house- he knows its dishonest and low- doesn't stop him trying though!! smile

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 18:01:29

I think that he and the OW are back together- as I have seen his van parked in the same place a few times this week- in an area where i know she lives...and im sure that it was her i saw him with in the car on saturday!!

Starting! so good to hear from you!

I dont think he ever did leave the ow was all a ploy by him to get money. Im happy to see collaberate is doing a good job for you..keep on keeping on and big hugs X

midwife99 Sun 27-May-12 18:14:50

Oh starting so pleased to hear you're having fun! Ha ha twunt busted with ow!! grin

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 18:29:54

TLNL, you could be right...he definitely was living with a friend for a while, but that could have been part of the 'poor me- please help' plan too.

Midwife...he was busted indeed!- his face was a picture- he was squirming in his seat grin- i didnt even acknowledge that i had seen them- i really didnt care i was singing along to the radio at the time! smile

startingagain88 Sun 27-May-12 18:31:15

I think i might order a Chinese tonight for doggy and I! grin

Xales Sun 27-May-12 18:32:08

Oi stop it starting. No thinking about what he feels/thinks. You know full well he is all about himself. There is not a shred of decency or compassion with this man. No guilt in the slightest.

Glad you are getting on with things and having a nice time.

Seriously if he ignores Collaborate's letter and is still calling/texting every day send a letter to his solicitor and advise him that if he doesn't desist you will go to the police about harrassment. You can do this yourself without using collaborate and he will have to pay his solicitor. grin

Funny that as soon as she comes back from her mythical trip away alone they are instantly back together. A little like he didn't leave at all.

Poor cow what a lovely man she has that goes telling his ex he loves her, is sorry and wants to try again. Then the instant he is told where to get off goes back to her to keep his dick wet.

only4tonight Sun 27-May-12 18:40:17

£20 says she went to visit family in Ireland for a couple of days (was too ashamed of him to take him or let him stay with her white carpets alone) so he used to opportunity to try to play you

midwife99 Sun 27-May-12 18:41:24

Har de har! I can just picture it! You singing "I have a lovely house & car & a fab job in London tra la la la la"! Him "Oh fuck there she is, quick duck!"

dont dare feel sorry for him! He doesnt deserve it.

You have danced to his fiddle for years, now you are singing along to the radio - to all sorts of tunes. Good stuff.

I can imagine him squirming, HA! good enough for him.

southlundon Sun 27-May-12 18:57:27

Phew - glad you've been out n about enjoying yourself!

It's great to think of you having fun in this weather - and it's great that they'll have seen you singing along to the radio like you don't have a care in the world (even if you do have a couple) smile

Mogyzogwon Sun 27-May-12 19:25:24

"arsewipe" like it !!!!!!!!!!

fedupofnamechanging Sun 27-May-12 20:29:08

Good to hear you are well and feeling happier

KirstyWirsty Sun 27-May-12 20:37:15

That all sounds good starting I'm glad you are moving on and getting things sorted xx

Thermalsocks Sun 27-May-12 20:39:46

So good to hear that you are feeling so positive Starting.

envy at meal by the sea!

Also loving "arsewipe"!
Bet he was shitting himself when he was spotted.
I don't really know and I'm sure he doesn't either whether it might affect his claim on your house, that he willingly left your house with the intention of setting up residence with OW.

What a match made in heaven!

Go Starting!

Hope your job is going well today.

Glad you have had a good weekend with friends.

PooPooInMyToes Mon 28-May-12 11:15:02

Oh my god, he's back with her! If they ever really split that is. Fuck sake he's a dick!

Isnt he just! poopoo

a complete and utter cocklodger, dickhead, arsewipe... anyone seeing a theme here? grin

PooPooInMyToes Mon 28-May-12 11:30:17

What a cuntfaced floppydicked twat!

midwife99 Mon 28-May-12 13:48:19

Language poopoo!! grin

startingagain88 Mon 28-May-12 14:17:02

Thanks for the support everyone ! grin

Another gorgeous day smile

In the post this morning was a letter with 'Tesco Loans' on the front of the envelope, addressed to arsewipe.......he hasn't got a Tesco loan so he must have applied for one (to take me to court no doubt) and given my house as his current address!!-Any ideas what to do....?

I also don't think he has been paying his car and credit card as they keep leaving messages on my answer phone for him!

crabbyoldbat Mon 28-May-12 14:20:17

a letter with 'Tesco Loans' on the front
It's possible that it's just a circular. Don't open it, obviously. I'd save up any post for him for a week at a time and either send it to his mum's (if it's likely he's staying there or is in regular touch) or send it via your solicitor to his solicitor.

Helltotheno Mon 28-May-12 14:20:26

Back in the letter box with a 'Not known at this address'. That should ensure he never gets it smile He doesn't live there any more and didn't re-direct his post - not your problem...

mummytime Mon 28-May-12 14:20:28

Mark the loan one as return to sender ( not resident at this address). I would also write to car and credit card company telling them he doesn't live there. Keep records and I would check your credit rating (free service) now and in a few months.

midwife99 Mon 28-May-12 14:21:51

Write not known at this address on the letter & return to sender. Then he will not qualify for the loan. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES PASS THE POST ON TO HIM! If you answer the phone to any creditors tell them he left on such & such a date & give them his mobile number & ow's address if you can track it down or failing that parents address.

midwife99 Mon 28-May-12 14:22:41

If you give him the letter he can then validate the loan from your address.

only4tonight Mon 28-May-12 14:32:29

I agree with the return to sender approach but also inform the companies you know about that he no longer lives at your house, the date he left on and (if you really want to rub it in) provide them with the name and address of his solicitor (that should rack up the bill a bit)

startingagain88 Mon 28-May-12 14:33:51

Thanks all, I do know where the OW lives - down to a couple of houses and i know her name- so i could easily find the correct address.

Do you think i should give his creditors his new address?- Im worried that if he defaults on his car, cc etc that it will affect MY credit rating hmm, but then again i dont want to come across as a bitch who is trying to drop him in it IYKWIM.

midwife99 Mon 28-May-12 14:34:06

Oooh yeah only4 - refer creditors to his solicitor!!!

startingagain88 Mon 28-May-12 14:36:41

Only4- can I do that?- That would be really evil grin- but i suppose if he doesnt want to give me his new address...........grin

Wrongbow Mon 28-May-12 14:37:47

I think that's a brilliant idea grin

RoxyRobin Mon 28-May-12 14:41:02

Hello, Starting!

Agree with midwife.

It's like watching a slo-mo car crash - his life is going to descend into chaos! He will rue the day.

I'm off to Sainsbugs - should I pick up some popcorn?

RoxyRobin Mon 28-May-12 14:43:00

grin at o4t

Xales Mon 28-May-12 14:47:56

Return all mail to sender as moved away. Don't hand it over to him

He has had weeks to change his address with all of them. It is a connection to your property!

If you have the credit companies details yes! Call them up and tell them he has moved.

KirstyWirsty Mon 28-May-12 14:48:43

I agree - send the loan with one not known at this adress and return to sender

The rest just pass to his solicitor ...x

Xales Mon 28-May-12 14:49:28

PS no one would ever think you are a bitch trying to drop him in it. You are doing the sensible thing to protect yourself from his being a complete wanker.

If any bills are in his name get new accounts in your name. Everything and anything to stop him having a connection to your assets!

southlundon Mon 28-May-12 14:50:18

Afternoon Starting - I agree with giving them the solicitor's address to pass things onto him. Not because it's an evil thing to do but because it really is the only option you have, isn't it?

I mean, you don't actually know his new address, do you? You shouldn't have to find it out for his sake.


If any bills are in his name get new accounts in your name. Everything and anything to stop him having a connection to your assets!

THIS! please get him completely removed from the house asap, especially if he is asking for loans and such like!

crabbyoldbat Mon 28-May-12 14:57:33

Okay, I take it back - returning to sender, telling people he no longer lives there and that the only address you have is his solicitor is the way to go. No need to find out his address. As for phone calls - I wonder if you should pass on the only number you have for him?

fedupofnamechanging Mon 28-May-12 15:04:12

Hi starting.

Another one here saying not to forward his post to him.

I would steam it open and check the fucker hasn't used your address to get a loan (I am of the view that if it comes to my house and isn't for my neighbours and just stuck wrongly through my door, then I open it, on the grounds that it's my business if some fucker is using my address to obtain credit) - then I would contact Tesco loans and say ever so sweetly 'I opened this by mistake, as it came to my house, but shit bag ex no longer lives here and I fear he is fraudulently trying to obtain credit, using my address.'

If he can't get a loan, he will have nothing to pay the solicitor with.

Time to play dirty, Starting. He hasn't worried about screwing you over, so you need to pull out all the stops to make it harder for him.

KirstyWirsty Mon 28-May-12 15:08:28

karma can you not get arrested for opening someone else's mail??

only4tonight Mon 28-May-12 15:09:29

Mwahahahaha don't ever screw with only4 hahagaha smile

meredeux Mon 28-May-12 15:37:56

You could open it in error, not noticing the name on the envelop and assuming that it must be for you if it dropped through your letter box. (I've genuinely done that a few times so its not unlikely that it can happen.)

Once when i did it, i found that someone had been applying for a loan at my address and that the loan company was threatening the baliffs. Idiotically, I looked up his name on the internet and found someone who lived in my street with that name except he lived at xx and i lived a 1xx. So I went round after work to deliver the letter and apologise for having opened it. i thought they would be grateful!
However, it quickly became apparent that it really was fraud - his father answered the door and though I was a baliff as I was wearing a suit. So i went home and called the number on the letter and explained all. They did not think it was at all weird that i had opened the letter delivered to my address in error and then was horrified to find my address was being fraudently used. I heard no more about it after that.

If he is claiming that he lives at your address today, then it is fraud.

Whatever you do though, don't pass the letter onto him as it it will only help him complete the fraud (and eventually the baliffs will knock at your door to collect the money, which is hassle you do not want).

RoxyRobin Mon 28-May-12 15:56:37

As an aside, how thick can he be?

How did he think he was going to get hold of the loan-related correspondence? Did he think you were just going to let him come round and pick it up?

He's got some neck.

meredeux Mon 28-May-12 16:29:48

How think can he be?
Thick enough not to spend a very small amount of money getting his mail re-directed when he is applying for a loan using bogus data.
Thick enough to hire a lawyer when he has no money and no case.
Thick enough to turn up looking greasy and with a tattoo on show when trying to woo back his ex.

You are well rid, starting!

Could you contact experian here to check what is on it just incase he put something at your address.

I'm sure there is a way of making sure yours and his name are no longer linked in anyway.

Oogaballoo Mon 28-May-12 17:52:52

Definitely make it clear to the creditors and Tesco that he does not live there and give them the right address. Spell it out so there's no doubt- it is not his house and he is not living there and never will again.

Cathynclaire Tue 29-May-12 01:27:38

As others have said, I would return the letter to TESCO loans, and write on envelope the date he moved out, no forwarding address supplied, and the contact details of his solicitors.

For the telephone calls from creditors, have an answerphone message saying he moved out on ...and the telephone number of his solicitors for contact.

I personally had a heap of hassle years ago when someone (I didn't know) was fraudulently using my address for benefits, car licensing and mobile phone billing. At first I left it, thinking it was not my problem, but then I had to deal with bailiffs and the police turning up at odd hours. Now I would nip it in the bud as soon as possible.

I would do everything I could so that he was no longer linked financially to your address, and make sure if is off the electoral register for your address as well. Also his handyman company, have you taken your name off that and told HMRC or whoever etc.

If you think you will still keep getting loads of post for arse-wipe, print out some labels with "return to sender" and the solicitor's details, to make your life easier.

I know it seems like a lot of work, but will make things easier for you in the long-run!! If it also means its not so easy for him to get credit, or run up his legal bill...well tough cheese! grin

fedupofnamechanging Wed 30-May-12 06:54:26

I wouldn't give his solicitor's details, or any forwarding address. The idea here is to scupper him from getting a loan, as well as completely separate him from your address.

If you send post to his solicitor, he will get it. He might then make a loan application from OW's house. If he's waiting on a reply from this loan application (not knowing that you've contacted Tesco and told them he is using your address fraudulently), it might delay his getting access to money.

No money = no cash to pay solicitor.

You need to be doing whatever you can to make life hard and awkward for him - not being the nice considerate ex, who doesn't want to be spiteful. He has been incredibly spiteful to you and if the boot was on the other foot, he and OW would not be thoughtfully forwarding your post, they'd be doing all within their power to stop you getting the money.

You really do have to stop being so nice.

only4tonight Wed 30-May-12 08:49:35

We will have to agree to disagree here karma. I think giving out the solicitors address is more helpful as the loan companies may think starting is acting fraudulently to escape repayment without it. If he wants to get himself in debt that's his lookout.

springydaffs Wed 30-May-12 09:13:38

I also don't think it's a good idea to be purposefully nasty (if that's what you are suggesting karma? re You need to be doing whatever you can to make life hard and awkward for him )

imo his life is going to get increasingly 'hard and awkward' without Starting's active input. imo it's not good to get into being nasty, not good for the soul LOL (plus, imo, he can very probably be far more nasty and obstructive that she ever could, so best not to up the nasty ante..). Though I get your point that OP could do with being a bit more hardnosed about things. I think she's seriously getting there (fasttrack!) by the 'arsewipe' comments etc though. I can certainly see the glint of metal in Starting's eye...

Still astonished that this guy doesn't even have the nous to cover his tracks. re the envelope arriving at your address, Starting, with TESCO LOANS emblazoned on it. You gotta laff!! All the better for you though eh - at least you know what's going on, no sneaky surprises at the done and dusted stage. He'd be the type to commit a burglary in the snow, leaving footprints to where the stash is kept, a gift to PC Plod.

meredeux Wed 30-May-12 09:26:02

If you put the solicitors address on the label, then the post office will not return to sender, they will send the post there. Then he will get the forms (which were sent to your address as a way of checking that he really lived there), he will sign them and fraudulently obtain a loan which he can then use to pay a solicitor to make your life miserable.

Its not about being nasty, its about protecting yourself from someone who is being nasty. So, I agree with Karma.

mistlethrush Wed 30-May-12 09:30:47

I would be ringing up any company that was obviously a loan company and making sure that they knew that he didn't live in the house. Hopefully this might even get something flagged up on his file that would prevent him successfully trying for loans from any other loan company at that address.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 30-May-12 09:52:13

Unless Starting's name is on the loan application, then the loan company will not be thinking that she is trying to avoid repayment - she has no loan with them, therefore nothing to avoid.

Springy, I take your point about getting nasty, not being good for the soul, but I think at this point Starting has to act to protect her money first. her soul will be a lot happier once she has seen off this threat from her ex. It's not about being nasty just for the sake of it - it's about taking whatever steps are necessary to stop him getting access to the funds he needs in order to pay his solicitor. It's self preservation.

springydaffs Wed 30-May-12 10:48:27

yes I completely agree with that karma. re she has to be hardnosed - and it's good to be reminded when you're in total shock that the person you loved and thought you knew is being seriously nasty and trying to rip you off sad

MaBumble Wed 30-May-12 17:27:51

Personally I'd open it. If its a circular, then bin it. If its a loan application - you need to know that he's still using your address.
But also, I'm just really nosey smile

Xales Wed 30-May-12 17:37:46

Returning mail to sender for someone who moved out weeks ago, has not officially left a forwarding addressed and is either too thick or too lazy to get their own mail redirected is not being nasty it is doing the correct thing.

Advising people who are owed money by someone who has moved and not officially left a forwarding address also is not nasty. It is being helpful and informative to the person/agency owed the money plus protecting the resident of the address if things go tits up.

Phoning the credit card company because you know his details and advising the cards have been lost so had better be cancelled and then returning to sender the new cards.... now that would be nasty grin

MaBumble Wed 30-May-12 17:40:19

Xales you just made me do an evil cackle smile

midwife99 Wed 30-May-12 19:33:52

Me too! grin

KirstyWirsty Thu 31-May-12 09:37:34

What a fantastic but evil cunning plan Xales smile

Love it!

you just reminded me of the Enormous Crocodile book "Cunning plans and Evil tricks" grin

mistlethrush Thu 31-May-12 09:39:16

Xales that is very true grin

southlundon Thu 31-May-12 22:27:42

Hiya Starting - hope everything's going okay?

meredeux Fri 01-Jun-12 05:58:50

Maybe its a little early to say this but I have a feeling that you are almost over the breakup now, Starting and you won&#263;t be needing us any more.

captainmummy Fri 01-Jun-12 08:20:32

Think you're right meredeux - our work here is done!

grin unless you need us Starting ..............

startingagain88 Fri 01-Jun-12 17:22:11

Hi all,

Have sent all the letters back with return to sender, not at this address on them.

Having a bit of a low day today- not sure why, think its just a dip, went out for a drink yesterday night and have got plans for the weekend, but just feel really blue and teary, need a good cry i think sad

Of course I still need you ladies smile , i couldnt of got through all of the shit arsewipe has done without you... and i have got more to come with the house etc (that will be fun) - I'll do an update a least once a week.....more if i need some good advice smile

KirstyWirsty Fri 01-Jun-12 17:24:48

Any date yet for the new job Starting? x

RoxyRobin Fri 01-Jun-12 17:40:28

Hello, Starting. Sorry you've had an off-day. Hope you enjoy your weekend, though xx

Ponders Fri 01-Jun-12 21:20:54

Hi starting smile

sorry you've had a blip today but I think it's to be expected - you've done incredibly well since all this started but you still can't put it all behind you just like that. Get in the shower & have a good howl, you'll feel better for it

well done for sending the mail back to sender

hope you will enjoy your weekend - will look forward to your next update

hi starting, a dip is to be expected. You are still in the first throws of Exp nonsense and nothing is final re the house etc. It will be soon enough.

Enjoy the bank holiday weekend and have a good cry if you need it.

Xales Fri 01-Jun-12 21:54:48

Hey a low day is good. Think back to a few weeks ago when you had more low days than good days a week!

If this is your first one this week that is great.

Soon you will realised you have gone an entire week with out a low day. Then a fortnight...

Enjoy the sunshine this weekend. I am hoping it is dry enough to paint my front door and some window frames outside.

midwife99 Fri 01-Jun-12 22:34:03

Keep strong honey we are here to hold your hand smile

CrazyChicken Sat 02-Jun-12 11:08:04

Long time lurker - keep strong xx

springydaffs Mon 04-Jun-12 19:13:11

How's it going starting? been thinking of you today - bank holidays can be a bit of a challenge...

I hope you've found some lovely people to spend the festivities with xx

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 07:09:15

How's it going lovely?!

only4tonight Thu 07-Jun-12 11:47:08

Have you got a start date for the new job yet?

KirstyWirsty Thu 07-Jun-12 16:52:42

Hello Starting I've alo been wondering how you are xx

PooPooInMyToes Thu 07-Jun-12 18:06:42

Hi, hope you're doing ok.

Thermalsocks Sat 09-Jun-12 11:22:53

Hi Starting. Just wondering how you were getting on and to wish you well in your new job which should be starting next week? I shall be off on my hols for a week so won't be around as I don't have a fancy phone.

Hope all your Jubilee weekend activities went well and you managed some sailing. (you weren't in that Royal regatta were you?)

Sorry you had been feeling low but as others have said it is all par for the course, still early days and you seem to be having fewer and fewer low times.

Hope there have no more shocks on the house front.

Good luck for next week. smile smile

southlundon Tue 12-Jun-12 10:23:05

Morning Starting!

Hope you're getting on well. MN silence of more than a week must be good smile

only4tonight Wed 13-Jun-12 11:17:30

Just checking back for that update you promised

KirstyWirsty Thu 14-Jun-12 11:17:05

Hi all

I texted Starting and told her she needs to give an update so she has promised to do that - she is keeping herself busy - getting together paperwork in case XP does take the (unreasonable trying to take her to the cleaners) case further and getting ready to start work.

She sounds as though she is doing well and rebuffing his attempts at contact so don't worry - hopefully she'll come on and tell you all about it herself


southlundon Thu 14-Jun-12 11:50:49

Fab - thanks for the update Kirsty smile

lunar1 Thu 14-Jun-12 12:05:37

Thank you kirsty

midwife99 Thu 14-Jun-12 18:44:48


startingagain88 Thu 14-Jun-12 23:09:52

Thank you SO MUCH thanksfor checking up on me, as Kirsty said, she has reminded me to update my thread!!

As its been a while, this might be a bit long....sorry!

Things are going well for me at the moment.....I have work lined up for next week, I have started having a really good clear out ( which is very cathartic), have been out and about with my pals etc.

He is still after 'his share' of my assets, but collaborate is doing a great job, making sure that he knows that I am no pushover, and that he has no or at best a very weak case!!

Still having ups and downs and teary now and again, but more ups than downs and not tears every day!

Also....... there has been some activity from arsewipe since i last posted -the weekend before last he texted to tell me some 'truths' lol ie he met the OW through work ( he went to quote her for a bathroom) and not walking the dog! , they have split up for good etc and he misses me- i didn't respond smile .

In contrast last week went out for a meal on Thrusday with sailing girl, got back and there was a missed call on my home and mobile from arsewipe, it was pass midnight so foolishly i thought it was an emergency (his mum hasnt been well for years), and i called him back, he said the OW had seen me drive near her road that night and had also seen me drive that way before, she didnt like it, it upset her and doesn't want me to drive near her house again.

Now she lives literally three minutes drive from me, the road i was driving down is a main road, a road i have driven down for years, her house ( i think) is on a road a turning off the main road, IYKWIM, i said to him if you are no longer together why the hell are you calling me up telling me this? He said he didnt want any 'headaches', i told him that i drove down that road for years before all this crap happened and i will continue to do so, he tried to start talking about 'us' saying he was sorry, missed me, OW was a mistake he regretted etc but i terminated the call.

She is obviously playing games, perhaps because he has moved out (for whatever reason) from her place and is living at a mates, as i am not engaging at all with twunt she cant paint me as the 'mad ex' anymore and is now making drama out of anything she can.....any hoo smile......... about ten minutes later i get two texts from his phone but 'her' texts IYKWIM, telling me to leave her alone, hes going to take me to court, telling me to up my antidepressants etc quite nasty stuff....... again i didn't respond.

I can honestly say it didnt upset me in fact it made me laugh, all i could think was what a sad pair, they really do need the drama of the 'mad ex' to keep things going for them- leaving them to it smile

Onwards and upwards girls smile

midwife99 Thu 14-Jun-12 23:32:46

Great news all round starting - there is no way twunt & bint will be getting their hands in any of your hard earned assets! I laughed out loud about the "driving near ow's road" part! Pathetic!! grin

Rowanhart Thu 14-Jun-12 23:39:06

Have read all your thread tonight after spotting it from an update.
Just wanted to say you are amazing and ex is clearly unbalanced and no good for you.

In my opinion they have never been apart. I honestly think you should change both phones and log with police abusive texts. Given you have asked for no contact this is harassment from both of them and warrants at least a car mark from the boys in blue.

Good luck and remember there are a lot of ppl on here who think a lot of you, brave lady...

oldwomaninashoe Fri 15-Jun-12 09:21:32

Does OW work?
How does she find the time to look out of her windows all day to examine the cars going past???

Glad to hear things are going well Starting (was beginning to worry a bit about you thanks for updating)

RoxyRobin Fri 15-Jun-12 09:43:44

Hello, Starting. It's great to hear you sounding so on top of things.

The silly tart. I suppose they're clutching at straws now, trying to put you in the role of harasser rather than harassee. Can't imagine what they think they've got to gain by such tactics, especially when they've left such a vicious text-trail. One can only presume they have killed off all but a handful of their brain cells with alcohol. Losers.

Don't suppose you'll ever know the truth about the pair of them, but it doesn't really matter any more, does it? You're getting on just fine smile

undermyskin Fri 15-Jun-12 09:44:45

Starting, you have so many reasons to be incredibly proud of yourself; I hope you are!

southlundon Fri 15-Jun-12 09:56:52

Oh Starting I love to read the laughter in your voice (IYKWIM). You sound great at the moment and WTAF about not being able to drive past the end of her road? If anything that shows how much of a mess she is and how strong you are when it obviously doesn't even cross your mind to drive there!

You are fab smile

Wrongbow Fri 15-Jun-12 10:45:29

Yay for you grin So glad you can laugh at their nutcase behaviour now instead of being upset! I can't believe he is still pretending they have split up and trying to get your sympathy so you will give him money! You can see them for the pair of mad, selfish, lying twats that they are now. They wholly deserve each other smile

Anniegetyourgun Fri 15-Jun-12 10:53:18

Ha! "I've totally split up with her, it was all a mistake, we're not even in touch any more, and by the way she asked me to ring you up at midnight to tell you..."


"I made such a mistake, it's you I really love, please can we get together, and I'm going to take you to court for half your assets"

Planet Ex is a strange, confusing place.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 15-Jun-12 12:13:46

You are doing really well.

I would contact the police to log these abusive texts.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Fri 15-Jun-12 15:01:41

Another person here asking you to log the texts with the police, because I suspect you may need to get your retaliation in first.

They've not split up. If you spoke with him and within 10 minutes she was texting you from his phone - in the early hours of the morning - they're clearing spending the night together and she was there when you spoke. When he was giving you his spiel about missing you, the OW being a mistake etc, she was there, listening in. And he's still pursuing you via his solicitor.

So why is he doing this? The stuff about driving past her house is bizarre, but she's nasty enough by the sound of it to make a harassment complaint against you. And you've played into their hands by calling him after midnight. They could easily claim that you made an abusive call to them in the early hours - do you see how your innocent actions could be made to look?

It may not help their legal case to portray you as a mad obsessive irrational ex on ADs, but they don't know that, and they've both shown themselves up to be nasty unscrupulous people. They may just want to put the boot in.

You've already been in touch with the police about his behaviour and they've logged previous incidents. A nice chat with the local PCSO right now updating them on the situation won't do you any harm at all.

Sorry to be paranoid, but err on the side of caution please.

Midwife99 Sat 16-Jun-12 12:20:31

I agree honey - tell the police about the texts & accusations because you drove near her road. Protect & ignore!

only4tonight Sat 23-Jun-12 17:58:39

Afternoon. Just checking in for my weekly update???

Has Arsewipe disappeared? Is collaborate going in all our address books just in case?

lunar1 Tue 26-Jun-12 18:15:10

Hi starting, just checking in to see how you are getting on.

Midwife99 Sat 30-Jun-12 22:25:41

How's it going Starting?

startingagain88 Mon 02-Jul-12 20:48:08

Hi Everyone!!,

I haven't been on Mumsnet for a couple of weeks, so i thought i would just post an update! I also need to read some threads and see what's been going on!!

Thank you everyone so much for your ongoing support and concern.......

Work has been going well...nice to be earning some money again......been out for a few drinks with colleagues etc....

Still have bad days about once a week where i feel very sorry for myself and cry until i get bored of feeling crap and pull myself together and i do feel lonely at times- but i am feeling much stronger!

My friend is giving me sailing lessons, im going to a festival this summer....going to book a holiday soon (dont know where yet!!), also going tup north to visit an old friend which i haven't seen for a while, and down to London to see brother and family!

Arsewipe update.....latest is that he has run out of money for the case re the house etc and has uninstructed his solicitor, he has been applying for lots for loans trying to get more money together ( he has been working so i don't know where all money has gone), he has split up with OW, im pretty sure this is true as he has been staying at a wino mates for the last few weeks.

This weekend he has text me again wanting to meet and be 'friends', he has been an idiot, he is sorry, he wants to sort things out (he wants money) etc etc...i have said no.....the latest today is a text saying that he is going to kill himself and that noone cares about him!

Jesus- where the hell was he when i felt like ending it all after he left???screwing the OW thats where!! he didnt give a toss about me or how i was coping. Now that things are going crap for him and the honeymoon is over- he wants help from me !! Lol- im presuming this is part of the script?? I am ignoring this attempt at pulling my heartstrings but I do feel like a bit of a hard cow though!!!

Midwife99 Mon 02-Jul-12 20:50:52

Hi starting - you are not a hard cow! Neither are you his mother who has to rescue him. Ignore the fuckwit! So glad your life is going well. grin at him running out of money to sue you!

startingagain88 Mon 02-Jul-12 20:56:39

I know Midwife, you are right as always smile ....i cant seem to help it though, im used to 'saving' him, its a habit i am trying hard to break ! smile

Midwife99 Mon 02-Jul-12 21:00:37

Ah ha but I'm not always right about my own life sadly but in this I think I am. Can't he just bloody give up & fuck off now??!!! It's been months!!! confused

southlundon Mon 02-Jul-12 21:10:56

Hurrah for your social life Starting! As for twunt, do you really want to be involved with him in any way (and I mean in contact, having him calling or coming over let alone in debt to you for money)?? You are right - he's only doing this because he can't get money out of you any other way. I'm sure he tried this before didn't he, when he was still with OW? Being all nice and then when you didn't play along with his game he went right back to being a bastard.

He fucked up. He deserved nothing from you even before he started shagging around and cheating on you, let alone once he did that.

Can't wait to hear about your holiday plans btw! smile

Midwife99 Mon 02-Jul-12 21:12:56

Btw - threatening to kill himself - how old is he - 13?!!!! confused

izzyizin Mon 02-Jul-12 21:15:48

Hard cow? You? Not hard enough by half!

He's going to kill himself? I seem to recall he nicked your hose so all you need to do is send him 200 paracetamol and a 10' length of rope and you'll have your bases covered grin

As for meeting up with him, remember what happened last time you met him for a drink...?

To state the bleedin' obvious, he's trying to tug on your heartstrings to get to your purse. Give him an inch and he'll velcro himself to you.

His behaviour is tediously predictable part of the script. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't reply to any texts from him, don't send even a 'no' or the more apt standard mumsnet response of 'fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more'.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 02-Jul-12 21:18:50

Don't even bother replying - just ignore his texts. He will get the message eventually.

startingagain88 Mon 02-Jul-12 21:19:45

Thanks South and Midwife- i know i owe him absolutely nothing, and he is certainly not getting any money out of me, but i must admit it did upset me when he said he was going to kill myself sad he made me feel guilty!!- even though this whole mess is his own doing-Old habits and all that ! smile

The only way to 'save him' is to let him go and do what he wants.

He won't kill himself he to selfish for that.

I glad your job is going well as is your new social life, don't let him drag you down again.

Enjoy your sailing.

Midwife99 Mon 02-Jul-12 21:32:39

Next time he texts you why not reply "Who's that?" Then when he replies "Twunt" just say "Oh I thought you were dead so I deleted your number!" grin

Xales Mon 02-Jul-12 21:35:16

Hey Starting

Nice to see things are going pretty well for you. Stay strong. You know your life is so much better without this dick in it.

Arsewipe update.....latest is that he has run out of money for the case re the house etc and has uninstructed his solicitor, he has been applying for lots for loans trying to get more money together This is fantastic news grin Not a surprise though. Thank god you returned those letters to sender and didn't hand them on!!!!

Can I just say

I damn well love MN sometimes. When I think how you were when you first posted. The heartbreak, loss and fear over losing your house you were suffering. I know most of us couldn't be there in person to help, the few who could are amazing to give up their time, energy and love for an internet stranger.

You have come such an amazing distance from when you first posted.

skyebluesapphire Mon 02-Jul-12 21:40:46

Lol at midwife!

Yes ignore him, those who threaten it are just attention seeking...

He created the mess that is now his life so let him get on with it snd stand firm smile

izzyizin Mon 02-Jul-12 21:41:40

A word to the wise, honey: it's not unknown for twunts whose pleas have fallen on deaf ears to pull attention seeking stunts.

This may take the form of texts/phone calls claiming they're about to jump off a bridge, walk across a motorway, dangle themselves from a rope long enough for their toes to stay in contact with the ground, swallow a bunch of pills, etc.

It's all bollocks; they have no intention of harming themselves and every intention of getting their hapless victims to do their bidding.

If you should get a knock on the door in the middle of the night from the police or a call which purports to come from a hospital saying that Mr X has tried to top himself, simply say that this is his latest attempt to harass you and that, under the circumstances, you have no desire to see him unless it's essential for identification purposes.

Rest assured that, in the unlikely event that he is hospitalised, he'll receive the appropriate care and treament without need for any assistance or visits from you - in fact your absence is likely to speed his recovery and ensure that the emergency services are not inconvenienced again.

Xales Mon 02-Jul-12 21:46:39

Oh totally agree with izzy if he does 'attempt' something leave him in the care of the proper services do not let him back to sleep even on your couch for one night.


RoxyRobin Mon 02-Jul-12 21:50:47

So glad things are going so well.

The worst thing you could do for him is to weaken and 'help' him emotionally or financially. He has to face up to himself now - all the mistakes and poor choices he has made, all the shit, shabby things he has done.

If you throw him a line he will never learn to take responsibility for himself and become a wiser man. Having to pull himself together and get on with life (like you had to do!) is his only chance of becoming a better, happier person.

We're all familiar with the 'cruel to be kind' approach. Well, this is what he needs. Not that you'd be cruel, but you must ignore him - it's the best way to help him in the long run.

I'd be willing to be cruel to him if you'd send him in my direction, but then I'm getting well hard in my old age - Cruella de TrulyVile.

izzyizin Mon 02-Jul-12 21:57:16

Here's a quote from drfayray's recent update:

"although I have lost a husband, I have found myself"

Drfay had been married for 24 years when her twunt now ex-h summarily announced he was leaving her for an ow no longer loved her.

If you 'find yourself' you'll never find yourself in this situation again as no man will have the power to bring you to your knees.

Wrongbow Tue 03-Jul-12 11:10:45

"he has run out of money for the case re the house etc and has uninstructed his solicitor" - HA HA, excellent grin

He won't seriously try to kill himself. No-one cares about him? Oh diddums, is that the world's smallest violin? Maybe that's because he is a selfish shitbag who doesn't care about anyone except himself.

Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well smile

KirstyWirsty Tue 03-Jul-12 12:33:59

Hey Starting glad things are going well with the job!!

You sound pretty sorted .. I am so pleased for you!! smile


Catkinsthecatinthehat Tue 03-Jul-12 12:34:01

I can understand why you are feeling anxious, even though it's highly unlikely he'll do anything. If you are worried, why not inform his GP (or even the local PCSO) about his suicide threats? That way you can gain complete peace of mind. You'll have discharged your 'responsibilities' (not that you have any) and put the matter in the hands of the professionals.

Don't respond directly though. He only wants to be your friend to ask for money as a 'mate'. If he does manage to secure loans you can bet that legal action will be reactivated.

Delighted to hear how well you're doing!

oldwomaninashoe Tue 03-Jul-12 12:45:18

Well done Starting!!
Just to echo what everyone else has said, do not give him an inch, he will take a mile and run you over again!

fiventhree Tue 03-Jul-12 13:52:44

Hey starting, nice to see you are on the up, and back at work. I expect you have seen many threads on here where the lying cheating h finally threatens suicide.

It seems to make the woman back off sharpish and it seems to be designed to get the spotlight off his crap behaviour and himself back into the conjugal bed. Playing the 'poor me' card, but on a grand scale.

I dont think it is always a strategy, although it never seems to be carried out. The thing is, people who behave like your exp do not take responsibility or consider the feelings of others- so it is unsurprising that they start shouting about killing themselves when they have backed themselves into a very messy corner. Think how many teenagers and angry children say these things.

I am sure you will stay strong and not be swayed. And you are right, he didnt give a flying fuck about you when you were at your worst, and his interest in you now is entirely self- motivated, and no way at all in your interest.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 15:44:57

I feel so pissed off with myself...... sad

Ive allowed him to get in my head again, after his suicide texts, he has begged me to come back saying that he loves me and that he has made a terrible mistake blah blah, it got to me, i found myself crying and back in that place i was a few months ago.

He has finally told his mum that we have split up, probably because he is going to have to stay with her at some point.

Please please remind me of all the shit he has done to me, and that this is all self pity that he is spouting- im ashamed to say i do still feel love for him and am finding this x

RoxyRobin Tue 03-Jul-12 15:56:46

Oh dear sad.

Well you don't need us to remind you of the shit - one of the things about mumsnet is that you've got it all down there like in a diary. Just re-read your threads and see what he's done to you.

My DH's brother has been threatening suicide for years and is still with us, god help us. First time was when his DW wouldn't have him back after his first infidelity. She relented and he went on to cheat again.

Your heart and your head are at loggerheads again, Starting. But you know as well as any of us that if the OW was ready and willing to put up with him he wouldn't be crying to you.

It's not so much the infidelity itself that I found objectionable - it was the way he piled insult upon injury afterwards. He's got no respect for you, Starting, he really hasn't.

Thinking about you, lovely girl xx

Midwife99 Tue 03-Jul-12 16:08:28

Remember the threats, remember the abuse, remember the tattoo, remember his ow texting you, remember the lies, remember the 5* break they went on while you were devastated. Read your thread back from the beginning. Please delete his number so you can't reply & all his texts. Tell the police he is harassing you. You have done so well, we're so happy. Look how he makes you feel when he contacts you. The love you feel is for the man he used to be never in the beginning of your relationship before he got his feet under your table. He's a twunt. angry

Catkinsthecatinthehat Tue 03-Jul-12 16:08:45

Sorry he's got to you. You come across as a kind and caring person and it's not surprising that someone who shared your life for a number of years has got under your skin.

Sit down, read this thread through, and the two threads prior to this one. Makes notes if you have to about his behaviour.

He's cheated on you twice, leeched off you financially for years, left you dangling, left you in a wrecked house, blamed you for his affair, has been trying to fleece you for money for months, has broken into you home and threatened you, sent you abusive texts and pictures in order to prove his love for the OW, treated you like shit. The only times he has been nice to you are ones where he thinks he can persuade you to hand over money to pay for his holidays with the OW.
(have I missed anything??)

Wrongbow Tue 03-Jul-12 16:19:51

Oh Starting sad Please please read and re-read this thread again, and your old one:

He is a total cunt! He DOESN'T love you. He is LYING. He wants your money and nothing else. I beg you to block his number. Seriously, I will get down on my knees right here on the office and beg you!!!

Xales Tue 03-Jul-12 16:23:32

Starting do you want a man who wants you for the lovely person you are or for your money?

This man went to a solicitor and sent you a letter telling you to get the fuck out of your own house so that he could move in and live there without giving a shit about where you would live.

This man idiotically tried to get loans by claiming he still lived at your house in order to go to a solicitor to get him to send that letter.

This man had a tattoo on his wedding ring finger for this woman while trying to persuade you to take him back because he loved you!

This man forced his way into your house, threatened and scared.

This man allowed OW (the woman he picked over you) to send you vile texts.

This man told you it was over, to STFU whining, your life & his your debts were your problems not his and he didn't give a shit.

So much more I could post. All you have to do is start at your first post to remind yourself.

You are having a wobbly please stay strong.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 03-Jul-12 16:24:36

Starting, please think logically what would happen if you had him back. It would be all lovey dovey for a short while and then when he was feeling comfortable he would shit on you again from a great height , and he would do again confident in the knowledge he is able to worm his way back into your affections.

Don't even be remotely tempted, do you think he would be contacting you if he had just come into money??
He's potless and homeless at this moment in time, and you are his best bet if he can persuade you by fair means or foul.

Stop crying, take the dog for a walk and plan that holiday!

sugarice Tue 03-Jul-12 16:25:24

Everything that has already been said. Picture yourself with him back in the house, feet under the table, smug face and you never ever believing anything that comes out of his mouth. He's a liar,sponger,cheater who didn't give a fuck what happened to you while he was shagging that OW in a posh hotel. Delete his number and never speak to him again. He will be the end of you if you let him slime his way back into your life.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 03-Jul-12 16:25:46

Been wondering how you are doing - glad to hear that work is going well and that he has run out of money and can no longer afford to screw you over, financially. When you find yourself feeling sorry for him or guilty, remind yourself that when he had financial resources he used them to threaten you and to support his relationship with OW. Remember that when you were sobbing your heart out, he was in a hotel fucking OW and getting a tramp stamp tattoo. Then, harden your heart - you owe this slimy shit nothing but your contempt.

Midwife99 Tue 03-Jul-12 16:26:59

Call the police love. He will be made to stop doing this to you.

Wrongbow Tue 03-Jul-12 16:27:31

RoxyRobin "It's not so much the infidelity itself that I found objectionable - it was the way he piled insult upon injury afterwards. He's got no respect for you, Starting, he really hasn't."

Indeed. Running off with an OW could possibly, maybe be classed as a "mistake". Going on to spend weeks and months abusing you, harassing you, lying to you, trying to get your house and your money and manipulate you, basically being a cold, calculating, unfeeling, selfish, evil twat - no way can he pass all that off as a "mistake". No way.

only4tonight Tue 03-Jul-12 16:28:03

What xales said. Sorry can't post more my internet is down so posting on my phone (and at work, naughty me)

Starting - you are crying for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. And maybe for a time you did. Not any more though and not for a long time. He has run out of money and has turned to you again. Infact, he really is the arch manipulator isn't he?

You are only human and it has only been just over three months. Of course you are not going to get rid of all those feelings straight away. But PLEASE go back to the very beginning of your threads when you were so desperately unhappy and he didn't give a shit because he was with another woman and didn't even have the guts to end the relationship properly before moving on. Remind yourself of how he bullied his way into your house that time and behaved disgustingly. Read back over your old posts then see how fabulously you have been doing.

You really need to delete this man's number once and for all. You owe him nothing. You are never going to move on whilst he can still contact you and text you with his mind games.

Now delete his number and do some holiday shopping!!!

southlundon Tue 03-Jul-12 16:45:05

Starting ditto ditto all the above. I feel like I've come to know a tiny snippet of who you are since this all started and you have been brilliant. I've learnt from you that you wasted a lot of energy on this twat - sorting out his business, dropping your life for him - and since he's fucked off he has actually done you a massive favour because you have a new job, new friends and colleagues, a new sailing hobby, a better relationship with your brother.

I have to dash but I'm thining of you and holding your hand, as we all are biscuit wine

RussellBrandsEyeliner Tue 03-Jul-12 17:11:04

*This man went to a solicitor and sent you a letter telling you to get the fuck out of your own house so that he could move in and live there without giving a shit about where you would live.

This man idiotically tried to get loans by claiming he still lived at your house in order to go to a solicitor to get him to send that letter.

This man had a tattoo on his wedding ring finger for this woman while trying to persuade you to take him back because he loved you!

This man forced his way into your house, threatened and scared.

This man allowed OW (the woman he picked over you) to send you vile texts.

This man told you it was over, to STFU whining, your life & his your debts were your problems not his and he didn't give a shit.

It would be all lovey dovey for a short while and then when he was feeling comfortable he would shit on you again from a great height , and he would do again confident in the knowledge he is able to worm his way back into your affections.

Starting - you are crying for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had*

I have just snipped the posts I loved from above...there's so much more I could have added but the above is vitally important...starting you asked to be reminded of why you should not even give him any more head space, these posts are it!

PS have been here since the first thread but name changed recently

Loads of love X

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 18:10:04

Thank you all so much............. i REALLY need someone to give me a good shake as I'm finding myself falling back into the 'i still love him' frame of mind.

He called a little while ago saying the same things etc , keeps asking for us to meet as he doesn't want to discuss things over the phone, i keep saying no and asking him questions.....this pissed him off and he started saying, 'look ive got ring round and get a loan-ive got £4 in my bank, do you want to meet or not?' when i said no he said ' this is why we broke wont listen'- i said 'its not because you shagged that tart up the road then??'.lol

And there we have it................ he doesn't keep up the pretence for long does he?? Trying to blame ME for him walking out for the OW and ruining his life!! These guys are unbelievable!

As I typed before mumsnet when off line.

He only wants your Bank Account and your nice warm comfortable house.

Xales Tue 03-Jul-12 18:24:52

Please have his number blocked from your phones sad

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 18:43:05

These guys are unbelieveable.

So why are you giving him headspace, let alone believing that letting him get his feet under your table again would be in your best interests?

FGS, woman! Have you no self-respect? The thought of that finger with her name tattooed on it should be more than enough to remind you what an utter cunt he is, let alone any of the other lowdown stunts he's pulled on you.

If you don't stop engaging with him it's obvious where this'll go and you'll be seeing that finger day and night until he's bled you dry and moves back in with the ow.

And don't fool yourself into thinking that his relationship with her is over. As soon as he's got a wedge in his wallet they'll be shagging on her white carpets again.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 18:49:55

Izzy absolutely- every word you say is true, i'm back on form...

You guys have picked up from the floor again.....and his final words on the phone regarding me not listening and only having £4 in the bank have brought me back to reality......... smile

I just can believe the audacity of these guys, nothing is ever their fault it is? Everything he seems to say is lies....!!

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 03-Jul-12 18:50:35

'look ive got ring round and get a loan-ive got £4 in my bank, do you want to meet or not?'

What the actual fuck does he mean by this? Surely he can't be that thick to tell you that he wants to meet you because he has no money left??!!

Please hang up next time he calls you - this is harassment and you should be reporting this to the police.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 18:52:25

Thank you all for the major kick up the arse- i needed it...... the rollercoaster had taken a downward turn...... sad

We all know where he can stick his tattoed finger dont we?? smile


skyebluesapphire Tue 03-Jul-12 18:53:54

glad you can remember what he is really like (from your last post). I have read your threads and agree with all above posts.

I would probably wobble if my STBXH turned up in floods of tears begging forgiveness, as its still early days since he left at Easter, but I KNOW, I really DO KNOW that it would not be right and NEVER will be again.

You are only human, you are compassionate and it tugs at your heart strings. Dont let him, remember all the nasty things he has done and how far you have come and dont let him put you back down again.

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 18:55:11

I'm back on form... That's my girl! Now stay there!!!

And stop engaging with him... that way he'll bankrupt you madness lies.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 18:57:05

Mad, i think what he is trying to say is ' Poor me, my life is shit now without you in it, i cant cope, i need you, i love you' when the reality is ' i left you to shag the OW, thought i was loved up, its all gone wrong, she slung me out, i spent all my money on drink and showing the OW a good time, Ive got no home or money, im in the shit, muggings starting will bale me out like she always did' ...

Errr No f**k off ! smile

sugarice Tue 03-Jul-12 18:58:17

Delete him from your phone and screen land line calls. Think of him as a piece of shit that your dog wouldn't even sniff. wink

southlundon Tue 03-Jul-12 19:05:38

Was there ever any doubt that he'd show his true colours again? The man is a desperate dick. He's a golddigger, he sponged off you for years and probably only stayed until he thought he'd found something better. I hate the C word but that really is what he is.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 19:11:00

Skye, its been nearly four months since he left...but what a four months it has been!!, The emotional ups and downs have been exhausting....but things are levelling off and things are definitely looking up for me....while things are looking pretty crap for him!!

You ladies told me this would happen........and it has!!-he is not even eating a pot noodle in his crummy flat....he is eating pot noodle (probably drinking a stella too), in a pisshead mates shitty one bed rented flat, sleeping on the sofa, with a pile of debts (which he has run up since he left), no money, no home and no woman.... what a fall from grace and in under four months that must be a record surely???

God am i being a revengeful cow heresmile

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 19:14:29

Btw, on the issue of whether he may have married the ow before whisking her off on a 5* holiday, given the long notice period required before a wedding ceremony can take place in Eire, I suspect that any possible nuptials would have been conducted at your local Registry Office.

There is something about him having her name tattooed on that particular finger which still niggles. As it'll be a couple of years before the 2012 birth/marriage/death registers are available for public view or online search, you'll need to pop into the RO to ask whether the marriage of Mr Utter Cunt (his name) and Ms --Mercenary Cow--(unknown) took place within a period of, say, 2 weeks prior to their faux or real honeymoon.

skyebluesapphire Tue 03-Jul-12 19:15:12

My STBXH is lodging with his best mate and his wife (OW)...... at some point he will end up in a crummy bedsit eating a pot noodle.... hopefully when his best mate realises that they crossed the line from friends to EA...

Cant wait grin

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 19:17:30

He thought he was Icarus and he got burned grin

FFS stop engaging with him before you get burned again too.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 19:22:15

Izzy, i know what you mean that was the first thing i asked him when i saw the tattoo, he says they are not married but let face it i cant believe a word that comes from his mouth!!

Could i just walk in and ask that??- If so Ill do it tommorrow- Im wfh!!- Would that effect hiscase re the house if he wanted to start that up again??

RoxyRobin Tue 03-Jul-12 19:24:30

What I can never get over is how terminally dim he is.

Any love-rat worth even a tiny pinch of salt would realise he had to play things very carefully indeed. There's no point wasting your time on weeping, wailing and self-castigation, or begging your victim's forgiveness, if you throw a tantrum when she doesn't immediately throw her arms round you - thereby reminding her of one of the reasons she doesn't want you any more.

The most gormless boyfriends I've had knew that a bit more persistence was called for in a situation where they had everything to gain by getting it right.

However, it's fortunate for you that he is cerebrally challenged - he's be a more dangerous operator if he weren't such an idiot.

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 19:25:51

Skye, Izzy grin xxx

startingagain88 Tue 03-Jul-12 19:33:09

Roxy, yes is thick grin x

captainmummy Tue 03-Jul-12 19:46:49

Mad, i think what he is trying to say is ' Poor me, my life is shit now without you in it, i cant cope, i need you, i love you' when the reality is ' i left you to shag the OW, thought i was loved up, its all gone wrong, she slung me out, i spent all my money on drink and showing the OW a good time, Ive got no home or money, im in the shit, muggings starting will bale me out like she always did' ...

- starting, he wants money! SHE wants money. That's all. As soon as he's back in with you, he will fleece you like before, only worse. Then he and OW will be back together, only surruptitiously.

Best of all worlds for him! and probably the worst of all for you. He has no love for you. You feel you love him - the 'him' from before he left (but don;t forget that he was cheating on you then too, you just didn;t know it. ) Still love him?

Xales Tue 03-Jul-12 19:50:00

mmm even if she has slung him out - he wanted her. He only wants your nice comfy house and money you now she is not such a sweet peach but a rotten wrinkly one.

He is probably texting/calling between the pair of you maybe even sending the same texts hoping that one of you will fall for it.

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 20:10:02

What we've got here is a cunt man whose ego become pumped up like a hot air balloon during the years that starting worshipped at his clay feet funded his ventures, Roxy.

He believed his own hype and, in the guise of a Merc driving businessman, was able to impress the ow to the extent that she eagerly jumped into his lap basket.

Leaving starting standing (I enjoyed writing that!), off they soared only to crash a couple of months later when the money gas ran out.

Starting's sterling efforts over the years to make a silk purse out of his pig's ear served to convince him that she was his slave; born to do his bidding and cater to her master's every need.

As he became accustomed to snapping his fingers and having starting manifest his desires in an instant, he sees no reason to expect anything less from her. Hence he's failed to accord her the insiduous assiduous wooing that won him the booby prize ow.

When he cut the guy ropes ties that bound him to starting, he never suspected she'd be capable of doing anything other than keep a welcome mat in her doorway and the home fires burning for him for the rest of her days.

The penny hasn't quite dropped in his slot yet but it will when starting stops engaging with him makes it clear that he is non-persona grata in her life.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Tue 03-Jul-12 20:47:12

It's worth remembering that the last time you rejected his phone advances he turned up on your doorstep. Don't overly worry, but be prepared for a visit.

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 21:06:15

Good point Catkins. He won't give up easily and it's only to be expected that his increasing desperation will cause him to redouble his efforts.

You owe it to yourself and to your army of mumsnet supporters to pour burning oil over repel the boarder if he attempts to storm your castle again, starting.

If he comes to your door, do not open it and call the police if he doesn't respond to you telling him to fuck off to the far side fuck etc.

With regard to the RO, I suggest that you pop in next time you're passing and ask if they can tell you whether a marriage has taken place for Mr his name or ask to see the bans (the notices that are required by law to be displayed outside the RO) for the relevant period.

In the unlikely event that you're asked why you want to know, I suggest you concoct some tale of being courted by the cunt him and a friend having told you that he has recently married, or words to that effect.

If he has married it may not have any material bearing on any claim he may re-attempt to institigate against you, but it will go the character of the Plaintiff should need arise.

Midwife99 Tue 03-Jul-12 21:13:52

I'm reckoning the twuntish cunt will soon be sobbing on your doorstep which will very quickly become threatening & abusive when you tell him to sling his hook. As soon as you see the stupid fucker scaling the fence (or was it a gate?) set the rozzers on him! Trespass & harassment charges to add to the list of his woes!

only4tonight Tue 03-Jul-12 22:26:45

I think the hardest realisation is that nothing is as you thought it was.

I thought I knew x. He was a lovely bloke and when he was an arse, that wasn't really 'him' there was always an excuse and some way to write it off.

Then with a lot of perspective I realised actually he was a cunt (i hate that word but he deserves it) and the nice bits were the bits that weren't 'him'

God it makes you question your sanity, judgement, EVERYTHING.

You have to see his true colours now. You were good enough for him to carry on the act of the nice bits for so long but truth is he could never sustain that as the real him is a total cunt. (again a term well deserved)

Midwife99 Tue 03-Jul-12 22:33:18

I never used to say the word cunt. I have recently!!

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 22:35:18

Me neither, midwife. The liberating power of mumsnet knows no bounds grin

only4tonight Tue 03-Jul-12 22:36:03

I have read your thread too midwife. May I say -also a well fitting use of the term. There are a few of them around.

izzyizin Tue 03-Jul-12 22:48:57

You won't believe this now, starting, but before this year is out you will encounter him when you least expect to.

At this momentous time, you will look at him standing before you in all his patheticness, be astounded that you once thought he was the bees' knees, and kick yourself for shedding any tears over such a shabby creature.

When that moment comes, as it inevitably will, I hope you're dressed to impress and have your arm slipped into that of a dashing specimen of manliness grin

DollyTwat Tue 03-Jul-12 23:24:56

Starting I've just read all your threads tonight.
You've cone a long way and you're doing well. But!
He can only get into your head whilst you let him

Change your number
If you do speak to him just tell him you are now in a relationship

I don't believe he is living in poverty
I think he's playing you and possibly several others at the same time
He knows you still have feelings for him

So, if he thinks you're involved with someone else then hell have to concentrate on ow

startingagain88 Wed 04-Jul-12 00:31:39

Only, what you say is so true, i am holding on to the idea of this wonderful loving man, who made me feel like a queen, and couldn't do enough for me, i only remember the good times....

By making him my whole world, it has been so difficult to get over him leaving me, when i lost him i felt like i lost everything, and i just couldn't comprehend the way he treated me afterwards, the calls and texts etc

I really believe that when he made the decision to walk out on me, at that point i became nothing to him a non person, not worthy of his time or concern. Now he now sees me as a means to end (money), and will do what he needs to do to get what he wants.

This is a terrible, painful realisation for me and i am struggling to come to terms with the fact that the person that i loved for 15 years now just sees me as a cash machine. I simply don't understand how could treat me this way.

izzyizin Wed 04-Jul-12 00:47:17


He's never been the man you believed him to be. If he ever treated you like a queen, which I very much doubt, it would have been with of intention of having you treat him like a god king and, once you'd fallen into that trap, you'd be relegated to the status of humble servant to his majesty.

The manner in which he announced his departure and what he's done since, has merely revealed his true colours, and what you shouldn't lose sight of is the manner in which he conducted an affair with the ow while sharing your bed/living in your home.

You didn't have a clue what he was up to, did you? And that should be proof enough that he really doesn't give a shit about you - it's all about him.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 04-Jul-12 06:46:04

Starting, when someone cheats and leaves and then behaves so despicably, it is so hard for the spouse/partner to come to terms with because it makes a mockery of everything that came before. It's entirely natural for your mind to struggle to accept that what you thought you had, was a lie. Your mind wants to make sense of it all, so resists the knowledge that this was always in him - you want to believe that at least some of your history was real and meaningful and true.

Possibly he did love you once (as much as someone like him is capable of, anyway), but he has shown himself to be a nasty man. It is possible to stop loving someone and still treat them with kindness, on the grounds that they are a fellow human being and you loved them once. He hasn't done this - he has demonstrated as clearly as possible, what kind of man he is. I honestly don't think that people like him are truly capable of feeling proper, real love - it's just not in him. None of that is a reflection on you.

You have so much time now - there will be someone new, who is better for you.

captainmummy Wed 04-Jul-12 08:28:31

But Starting - he cheated on you before, when your parents died; at your very lowest ebb, you caught him out.

Then, x years later, you found out, the worst way, that he had cheated again (with OW).

How do you know that in between he hadn't cheated on you a million times? Short affairs. One night stands. Quick fumbles.

You just didn't know!

You may have had feelings for him, but I bet he has always thought of you as a soft bed/meal/ATM, to be kept sweet, until OW came along.

Now that the money's run out and she's kicked him out I bet she isn't pining for him, thinking he 'loved' her.

springydaffs Wed 04-Jul-12 09:54:04

I went to the Freedom Programme last night and we looked at The Persuader: here's a summary of the sort of things a persuader gets up to:

The Persuader
Uses coercion or threats to control us AFTER we have left or reported him to wheedle his way back into the relationship, eg threatens to hurt or kill us or our children, cries, says he loves us, threatens to kill himself, threatens to report us to Social Services, DSS, etc

yy it's not entirely applicable in that you don't have children together (when you say your prayers, thank God for that starting!!) but the basics are there nonethless. He's trying to wheedle his way back - and not exactly covering his tracks, is he?? hmm

You're doing well. It is not unusual to get lured back in on some level - it's hard to chop the whole thing off in one go - but keep going sweetie. You'll get there.

startingagain88 Fri 06-Jul-12 14:46:42

Hi Ladies,

Quite a lot has happened over the last few days, so i thought i would post an update!!

Please dont flame me....i feel stupid enough as it is.........

His pleas of suicide got the desired result, i told him that i cared and i didnt want him to hurt himself..... he wanted to meet i said no on numerous times, but his tears and threats worn me down......

We met wednesday evening......hes in a state....he says he loves me, wants to get back together with me, is so sorry for everything that he has done. He was obsessed with the OW, he had only been seeing her a few weeks before he left, she was mad, a drinker, he didn't send those nasty text etc etc more lies, he held my hand said he wanted to give it a go between us.......... wanted to kiss me ( i said no.....). He wanted to come to the house to see the dog (i said no)

Thursday he calls upset again........I'd had time to think about the things he had said i didn't believe any of it and i finally wanted the truth, so i agreed to meet....

He looked stressed so I started to ask him lots of questions and he started tripping up, i called him on it and he got so angry he started telling me some truths( well what i/we thought was going on anyway)!

1. He loved the OW
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going)
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying
4. She is not an alcoholic
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc
6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened
7. He had been seeing her since November
8. He met her through work

I decided to leave, then telling him there was no hope in hell of us getting back together. He then called me and started the old script again, he going to take me to court, he is now going to get legal aid, im not being fair with him, he is owed money, he will take it all the way, i will have to sell my house, he wanted to get back together with me but i have said no (trying to put blame on me!!).

I think that was the most audacious bit...he has done all this shit to me, but because i say no to a reconciliation, this is all my fault!! im bringing it on myself!!

Anyhoo, his number has now been deleted, only communications through solicitors and i went to see my friend last night, who has had an invite to oz for xmas and has asked me too smile so the night wasn't a total washout!!

Be gentle with me........ smile

Xales Fri 06-Jul-12 15:00:39

Deleting his number is not enough he can still send you texts and call you. You know this.

If you really do not want any contact you have to have his numbers blocked or preferably change your number so he can't call you on a number you don't recognise and answer.

1. He loved the OW - he still loves her not you.
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going) who cares or did he just say it to hurt you that he did something for her not for you?
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying - he would be back with her with a click of her fingers
4. She is not an alcoholic - who cares?
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc he wants to get back with you as you have money
6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened why the tattoo? he has lied before why believe this one?
7. He had been seeing her since November nasty fucking wanker, lying to you and cheating on your all that time while ripping you off financially and physically for his new business for a life with her
8. He met her through work now come on Starting, he hardly does any work how could he meet someone through work! So he lied again about meeting her walking the dog...

You probably felt you had to do this to give him 'one last chance'. Please cut the guy out like cancer now.

I don't think he will get far with legal aid for something he has no rights/paper work over but look more threats for you.

only an idiot would get back with this man. Don't make us think that of you...

sugarice Fri 06-Jul-12 15:01:00

Good for you for deleting Twatty's number at last. Christ on a Bike he's a piece of work isn't he. Christmas in Australia, woo hoo you lucky stick smile. Make sure your house is well secure when you go.

Xales Fri 06-Jul-12 15:02:50

All I can say is thank god this idiot cannot hold it together long enough for you to fall for it!

startingagain88 Fri 06-Jul-12 15:17:06

I know hes good isnt he!-i have blocked and deleted his number.

1. He loved the OW - he still loves her not you.- I agree
2. He went to AA for her (he is no longer going) who cares or did he just say it to hurt you that he did something for her not for you? he told me he was doing it for himself and that she had a drink problem as well.- lies
3. She split up with him... he says he was mutual but i could see he was lying - he would be back with her with a click of her fingers- correct
4. She is not an alcoholic - who cares?- he told me she was.. more lies
5. He says he went with her because he doesn't fancy me any more (but he still wants us to get back together) but he fancied her- nothing to do with us growing apart etc he wants to get back with you as you have money- correct
6.When they went to Dublin, they were planning on getting married but they rowed and it never happened why the tattoo? he has lied before why believe this one?- I'm not sure about this one, but either way the intention was there- says it all
7. He had been seeing her since November nasty fucking wanker, lying to you and cheating on your all that time while ripping you off financially and physically for his new business for a life with her... correct keeps his options open for four months
8. He met her through work now come on Starting, he hardly does any work how could he meet someone through work! So he lied again about meeting her walking the dog... i think this is true, he told me he went to do a quote for her and i do vaguely remember talking her on the phone organising the visit now i know her address !!

startingagain88 Fri 06-Jul-12 15:20:26

Xales, im not an idiot honestly ! Just someone who is finding all these lies overwhelming, i needed confirmation from him that the things i felt in my gut were true were, and i now have received that confirmation.

I now feel i have some closure.

Wrongbow Fri 06-Jul-12 15:34:55

My heart sank when I started reading that, but it all ended well! I hope this is the closure you need and you can finally move on from this waste of oxygen!

Xales Fri 06-Jul-12 15:42:22

You didn't take him back so I don't think you are an idiot.

Can't believe he tried the emotional blackmail of wanting to see the dog after all that time saying it was your problem.

It's still early days. I read (probably on here) you have to allow a month for every year you were together.

Can I come to Oz? Pleeeeeeze envy

Midwife99 Fri 06-Jul-12 16:01:30

How could we ever flame you Starting? He is so unbelievably persistent & manipulative that you were bound to crumble briefly. BUT you have got closure & deleted him. Please ignore all texts, calls, emails, letters even from a backstreet shyster solicitor until you get a court summons which you won't unless he wins the lottery to pay his legal fees. Between a rock & hard place twunt?!!! grin

RoxyRobin Fri 06-Jul-12 16:12:45

You must feel emotionally exhausted after all that.

He's never going to man up, is he?

He's had far more kindness and concern from you recently than he deserved, and he doesn't even realise it.

Time to sail away - you must leave him to sink or swim now.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 06-Jul-12 16:29:08

I think it was perhaps good for you to see him, as I think that you can now move on!

Wow Xmas in Oz, you lucky thing!!!

Catkinsthecatinthehat Fri 06-Jul-12 16:39:01

I'm not going to flame you - in a way it's good that you met him on Wednesday evening to hear his sob story, and within 24 hours he was threatening to reactivate his legal action against you, take all your money and ensure you lost your house. How many times over the last few months have conversations with him (on the phone and in person) played out in exactly the same way? He's still the same old broken record.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 06-Jul-12 16:41:52

Hi starting,

Glad you have finally deleted and blocked his number. We know it is so hard to cut someone out, when you want to believe that they love you, so well done on having the strength to see through him and make the final break. No flaming here, you have had a tough time and are coping very well x

RoxyRobin Fri 06-Jul-12 16:58:54

Just thinking about his mendacity - my DSisIL said this about DH's ghastly brother: "He lied, and he lied, and he lied". She said to lie just became an automatic response for him.

DH said he wasn't like this when they were growing up. It just seemed like once he'd started he couldn't stop. When their father was elderly he took - well, stole - thousands upon thousands of pounds from him to fund his holiday-a-month lifestyle with the OW (and subsequent OWs). He lied to his father that he had done it, then lied to DH when the father asked him to tackle him on his behalf, when the proof was there in black and white facing him. He just got angry as if it were everyone else's fault.

When the father had just died and they were sitting facing one another over his still-warm body, his brother asked DH for a 'loan' because he was deeply in debt. Clearly we were supposed to fill the gap so recently left by his dad.

Lying is obviously your ex's default mode, too. And they never stop.

skyebluesapphire Fri 06-Jul-12 17:59:56

Starting- well done for not falling for it. I understand why you had to snd would have done the same I'm sure. If it feels like closure then that is good. This will help you to move on. My counsellor told me today that by seeing the lies you can accept that it's not your fault.

captainmummy Fri 06-Jul-12 18:00:55

Xales All I can say is thank god this idiot cannot hold it together long enough for you to fall for it! - yes Thank god! A few nights of wooing like that and Starting might have come to believe his lies. Luckily he chose getting angry and demanding instead of the soft touch!

Catkinsthecatinthehat Fri 06-Jul-12 18:44:47

To add, I'm glad you've got closure, but are you hopeful that he's finally, finally finally got the message?

RoxyRobin Fri 06-Jul-12 19:17:00

I doubt he has - but Starting has.

Thermalsocks Fri 06-Jul-12 21:08:53

Oh Starting, I won't flame you. We are all human and no matter how he has treated you, you were together a long time and those feelings don't disappear overnight.
I don't blame you for giving in to his persistence and emotional blackmail.

I did the same with my ex and fell for the Puss in Boots eyes, suicide threats, breakdown, remorse etc and took him back. Within a year of deteriorating behaviour towards me I had discovered a different OW. (Wish I had discovered MN before then!)

So try to consider it a 'lucky escape' that he was unable to hide his true feelings for longer and you can really move on with your life now.

It will still hurt tremendously to have all that thrown at you and realise the extent of his deceit.

Your life is moving onwards and upwards now while his will sink lower and lower.
Get planning that holiday in Australia -- it will be here in a flash!
Take care. x

You don't need flaming. As you achieved what you needed to see and hear for you to move on.

As Thermal said get planning your trip.

PooPooInMyToes Sat 07-Jul-12 08:46:24

she was mad, a drinker

Im guessing he's told her similar about you.

Im really relieved you've blocked him. It was just giving him the opportunity to try to persuade you, bullshit you and mess with your feelings. It must have been very confusing to have him contacting you as and when he wanted and playing with your emotions. Its good that you've taken control.

Its quite disturbing how he thinks he can tell you he wants you back in one breath, let it slip he's just after your money in the next and then threaten to take you for everything you've got in the third!

He has no integrity as well as no brains.

The cheeky fucker.

RoxyRobin Sat 07-Jul-12 08:58:31

Hope you are ok this morning, sweetheart.

Perhaps you managed to get out last night to have a few drinks and put it out of your mind.

That was some hurtful stuff you had to hear - I wouldn't have liked it one bit. You're a brave girl.

Well, it's all his loss. It shines out from your posts that you're a lovely person, whilst he's - well, he's not, let's leave it at that.

It's extraordinary how deluded people can be about what they are entitled to - his delusions encouraged by his fellow ne'er-do-wells, no doubt.

I wonder why he thinks he can get legal aid? I thought one of the things it depended on was whether the case was 'winnable', and his is built on very shaky ground. If he does get legal aid I shall be furious. In fact I shall write to my MP! I don't want any part, however miniscule, of my taxes going towards him trying to screw you.

Anyway, you might have been on a rollercoaster, but he is now on a slippery slope - hope he enjoys the ride before he lands in the shit that awaits him at the bottom.


springydaffs Sat 07-Jul-12 10:38:59

In a way, he's handed every stage to you on a plate. You are not the only one to go back and forth - most do (I did). He is too thick/addicted to hide what he's doing, so what's happened to you is almost textbook ie textbook stages -

re he did the pleading and begging and sorrying and I love youing.. but then at the very moment it didn't work, he switched to his real motive. I'm sorry it's painful but tbh you couldn't have had each stage more clearly laid out (though sorry to be clinical about it!).

as for her being a drinker - my guess is that they're both addicts of some kind, which is why the vibe between them is/was so strong.

KirstyWirsty Sun 08-Jul-12 20:19:29

Well done for not falling for the crap Starting ..

Christmas in OZ sounds fab smile


Hope this week been better then last week.

And ex has crawled back under his rock.

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:18:38

This is getting so old its not fucking real....... getting my life back together, working, getting out and about etc...... then i dip again....

My uncle in Ireland died last week (i haven't seen him for a few years) so my brother and i went to the funeral, it brought up a lot of sad memories for me of my mum etc visiting her home town old family home etc, it really was quite exhausting emotionally. Got home at the weekend, and who do i run into in a local shop but my ex, im a bit down and as he knew my uncle i told him he had a died etc, he was very understanding and asked me for a coffee.........MISTAKE.

After we talked about my uncle and mum and how i felt ...........he said that he had really thought about what he had done to me and he had made a terrible mistake, i was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he wanted me back, he wanted to come home and for us to try again, he misses me so much ,he is willing to try counselling, sign a document saying he has no rights to my assets- we just date etc anything to make me happy, he was crying and very upset - now i know this is probably all bullshit but i am taken in, in my vulnerable state.

I say to him that i need to think about what he is saying and that it would take a lot of work on his part for me to even consider it, he is ok with this and says he will wait. The sad thing is that even after how far i have come since he left nearly five months ago- i do still miss him.

I am a idiot, why do i let myself get dragged in again??

Midwife99 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:23:02

Oh no - NO NO NO NO!! Please don't get sucked in. Please remember all the hateful horrible things he did & said to you. He may sign away a right to TAKE a share of your assets but that wouldn't stop him sponging off you as a cocklodger for ever more! You WILL meet a more equal partner who won't have affairs, won't sponge off you, won't abuse you & will contribute equality to your future. PLEASE REMEMBER WHAT HE DID!!

KirstyWirsty Tue 17-Jul-12 15:28:58

Hey Starting - I am really sorry to hear about your uncle

Please have a read back at your threads and see the times he has spoken to you like this before and then turned on you again when he doesn't get his own way.. and see how miserable he has made you and how scared and threatened..

Do you REALLY want him back?? xx

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:30:13

I know that considering getting back with him would be allowing myself to be hurt again, opening a wound that is only just starting to heal. But he puts such a good case .... he acts as though he is genuinely sorry and we were happy for many years, many marriages don't last as long as our relationship -15 years. It seems so sad to throw all of that love and history away.... we do get on really well and the chemistry is still there , but he hurt me so much i don't think it can ever be repaired. In many ways it is easier to walk away......

sugarice Tue 17-Jul-12 15:33:31

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! please please please don't. Re-read all of the pages that have been written here. You're grieving and he has sensed your sadness and is playing on it.

I always check for your updates and you were sounding chirpier what with your invite to Oz. Stay strong and resist, he's thinking of himself not you.

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:35:18

Lol -Kirsty and Midwife.... my voices of reason xxxxxxxxx

I so wish i could get control of my emotions, but im in a bit of a dip at the moment, even though i wasnt particularly close to my uncle it is another loss in my life and that has left me vulnerable....the timing for him couldn't be any better.

At the moment i feel i want to cling to him, but i am resisting that urge!! Just needed some backup from the girls on MN!! smile XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:39:04

Thank you Sugar, I know you are right XXXXXXXXXX

Xales Tue 17-Jul-12 15:45:00


This man does not see you. Everytime you meet or speak to this man all he is seeing is £ £ in his eyes.

That is what he is crying for.

As soon as you say no every time he turns vile and threatening.

Get something drawn up from your solicitor and get him to sign it without agreeing to date him or start again. I bet you he will not sign it.

Stop sitting down with him and having coffee. Who paid considering he only had £4 in his bank last time you spoke.

KirstyWirsty Tue 17-Jul-12 15:46:59

Starting you have been doing so well .. but your uncle's death has brought back all the pain of your mum's death so it's no wonder you are feeling so low ... your Ex is taking advantage of that to try and weasel back in

My STBX sat and cried and begged for an hour ... what would you say to me if I considered taking him back? Give yourself the same advice pet


yellowraincoat Tue 17-Jul-12 15:47:17

starting, I haven't posted here before, but please stay away from this man. He is not a good person, he is messing with your head.

Look here: we can see from the outside. We are not emotionally involved in this. And yet not ONE person is saying "well, maybe give him another chance". EVERYONE agrees that you need to get away from him.

Please listen.

Sorry about your uncle.

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:48:19

Xales, God how can he be so cold and calculating?

He paid his Mum lent him some money!

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 15:54:24

Kirsty, I know, but he knows all the strings to pull to get a

Yellow- thank you so much for your support, youre right everyone is saying stay away but there is one small faint voice in my head which is saying 'but you still love him' sad

sugarice Tue 17-Jul-12 15:58:25

Well at the end of that sentence of "but I still love him " start adding " and I know he will hurt me again".

Xales Tue 17-Jul-12 15:59:14

He went and sat with a solicitor and told them that he was entitled to a share of your house and that you should move out and live anywhere else (he didn't care where) while he sits warm and happy in your house. Your house that you paid everything towards that he had done a shitty job of fixing.

He told you that your bills were your problem even though he had lived there and helped run them up after you lent him money to pay his bills.

A few short weeks ago he was planning on marrying OW!

Hang on a second let me repeat that one

A few short weeks ago he was planning on marrying OW!

The woman he cheated on you with and dumped your arse because you were not good enough for him any more. You know now being unemployed and reliant on him for the first time ever while he brought his money in.

If they hadn't argued they would be married. If she wanted him back he would be back in a shot, tail thumping happily on her white carpets.

He comes across as cold because he doesn't give a shit about you any more apart from what you can do for him. This being give him money and a roof over his head while allowing him to screw anyone he wants and give you nothing in return.

Not love
Not respect
Not caring
Not companionship

yellowraincoat Tue 17-Jul-12 16:00:02

OP, ok, say you do still love him. Love is a difficult thing because it clouds your judgement so much.

At the end of the day, does it matter if you love him? He is treating you like shit, he is using your love against you. How could you ever form any kind of relationship again after how badly and disrespectfully he has treated you?

At some point, you're going to need to say ok, enough is enough and stop his silly game-playing, love or no love.

When someone is out of your life, your love and attachment to them fades. The longer you keep in touch with him, the more the attachment to him is something tangible and real. Nip the whole thing in the bud and day by day, the feelings you have for him WILL fade.

I once thought I'd never love anyone but my ex. It only took 6 months to get over him and he wasn't even any form of bastard.

You can do this, OP.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 17-Jul-12 16:12:19

You may still love him Starting, but he doesn't love you!!!!
He wants you now, but he doesn't love you!!

He has had time to get his story/plea sorted and just waiting for an opportunity to regale you with his empty promises, because he is effectively homeless and potless and he is only thinking about number one.

Do not go there, stay strong, and avoid him like the plague he is!

RoxyRobin Tue 17-Jul-12 16:14:17

Well ... you talk about chemistry, but he did say he didn't fancy you any more (sorry to bring this up - I know it's an upsetting thing to have to recall).

KirstyWirsty Tue 17-Jul-12 16:14:46

Ok .. you love him ..What do you love most about him? I am curious ..

I would get him to sign that he does not want any claim on your assets regardless of what you want to do next.

Bet you he doesn't sign .. he will expect to get his feet back under your table and then the matter will not come up again because you are so grateful to have him back


startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 16:26:41

He said that he said lots of things that he didn't mean and he was sorry- I KNOW I KNOW!!

Kirsty, i suppose the thing i love most about him is that i feel relaxed in his company, we get on well, talk and laugh together really easily, i feel comfortable with him IYKWIM.

KirstyWirsty Tue 17-Jul-12 16:30:13

He feels familiar you mean ...

He didn't feel comfortable when he was threatening you - climbing into your garden, sending you threatening emails and texts wanting to take your home from you telling oyu not to drive down her street though

Sorry .. I feel as though I am getting on at you now .. and I know you know what I am saying is right

Please get him to sign the disclaimer if you must start to see him again and see how that goes before you do anything else


startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 16:30:51

The truth is i suppose im frightened that i will never find anyone again that i feel that relaxed with, with whom i can be myself. We did have some wonderful times together and laughed so much......but unfortunately he has also made me cry more than anyone since he left.

startingagain88 Tue 17-Jul-12 16:32:43

Kirsty, i really appreciate your support- i don't feel got at- i need some perspective!

Midwife99 Tue 17-Jul-12 16:34:04

You are supported here no matter what you do but I really believe that he will do this again to you & you WILL find a much more supportive future partner

Wrongbow Tue 17-Jul-12 16:37:06

Get something drawn up from your solicitor and get him to sign it without agreeing to date him or start again. I bet you he will not sign it.

This is a great idea. Do it!

Even if by some miracle he agrees... it's not you he wants, it's the comfy life he had with you. Living in your house for free, with you looking after him, running his business, having no life of your own... and he will very soon find himself another OW. Perhaps he will try to keep her secret this time... but he is too thick for that to last very long...

KirstyWirsty Tue 17-Jul-12 16:41:38

Starting you are young and are just rebuilding your life, a new job , new friends , a bunch of us on here .. remember when you first came online and you said you had no one??

You will meet someone else .. but you should let yourself enjoy being you for a while first.

You deserve better than what he can give you ... which would be a whole load of future heartache ..

As the Beyonce song goes - 'What goes around comes back around' .. he is in tears now - think of the tears that you shed for him .. and the continued mental torture and threats .. did he care then ..??


Thermalsocks Tue 17-Jul-12 17:20:57

Starting I am sorry to hear about your uncle. I assume he was your dear Mum's brother so it will have stirred up lots of memories.

You know really what you have to do don't you?
He has learnt a new tactic of not switching to Mr Nasty when you won't immediately do as he wants.

Try and imagine what life would be like if you took him back.

Could you ever trust him while you were out working and he was on his own 'working' on your house?

Could you ever trust him to take the dog for a walk/go to the pub on his own.

The memories of all those dark dark hours when you were crying alone; the awful things he said to you, the threats he made, the dreadful texts from OW that he did nothing to discourage.

Your fledgling new life, new friendships, new interests and exciting holiday would be at risk as he took you back into his lair.

And if none of that works there is always "The Tattoo"!!!

Kirsty's idea is a good one.
If you do feel yourself weakening please please make sure you have safeguards and strict conditions in place.

You have come so far, don't let it all go now.

RoxyRobin Tue 17-Jul-12 20:07:35

Starting, there's only so many times people on here can tell you all the same stuff. As soon as you see someone's username on here you must know what they are going to say, and there are only so many different ways they can say it.

It's one thing to post messages of support when you've just bee dumped saying what a shit he's been and how you'll get over him, etc. but I must say I feel uncomfortable sticking my oar into your life and telling you what you should and shouldn't do when decisions are to be made.

Some of 'you' comes across in your posts but the fact is that I don't know you. Still less do I know him. He comes across as weak, selfish and duplicitous with no self-control. But there's always going to be more to someone than the sum of their faults.

A few women on this thread have had experiences very similar to yours have taken the man back and subsequently lived to regret it. Judging by your EX(?)'s behaviour up until now , I'd wager that he'd fall into the 'why the hell did I have him back <sob> category' As I've said before, it's not so much the infidelity itself that was so heinous - I sometimes wonder if I'd be tempted myself in the right (wrong?) circumstances - it was his horribleness afterwards.

Whatever - you've got all the collective advice you're ever going to get. Now you should search your heart and soul and let them put their case to the all-important head.

If I were in your place I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of that tattoo. It's not a triviality, it's a symbol of all the awful things he's done. If he's got any sense whatsoever (which I doubt) he'll be getting rid of that pdg.

As well as signing the legals, I'd make that a stipulation. No excuses accepted. Money his problem - perhaps he might think about earning some.

Look after yourself, lovely girl xx

captainmummy Tue 17-Jul-12 21:44:11

You;re right Starting - it was near enough a marriage - 15 years. But marriages fail when the bastard dh goes off with another woman. which is what he did,and he would be still with her if she hadn't seen him for what he actually is

You love him, but does he love you?


Rowanhart Tue 17-Jul-12 22:27:21

Lurker coming out if hiding to say please don't give this arch manipulator another chance. He's finally got to you and must be loving it.

Remember it is money he wants nt you.

Argh. I could bitch slap him....

fiventhree Tue 17-Jul-12 22:36:44

Starting, I am speaking from the perspective of a 22 year relationship. We have had our ups and downs, and alot of down last year with infidelity etc.

Can I pull out one piece of advice that I had on MN , and which i see is true, from my own experience and others.

Listen to what they say at the time. It cant be swept under the carpet now. It is part of who he is.

He probably does care for you in some ways, and he misses the normality of what you had, just as you do.

However, look at what he was prepared to take, not just after he left, but even before.

Does that not tell you anything from which you can learn?

My prediction is that if you get back with him, you will get 6 months of fun and good times, followed by more of the sort of behaviour you had in the past.

You cant fix him. Any man who really saw his flaws would fix himself, and then come back. But he is a drinker and a man who wants an easy life, and admiration, and easy money, so why would he put himself through that if he can get you to do the angsting?

KirstyWirsty Wed 18-Jul-12 09:21:03

Mornng Starting

Have you had any breakthrough in how you want to proceed with this?

We are here to support you!


RoxyRobin Wed 18-Jul-12 09:35:22

Ok, so he's said sorry, but apologizing is not enough. And I reckon he thinks it's going to be, despite his talk of counselling and doing whatever it takes.

He's now in a dreadful predicament, with no home and no money. And I suppose he now realises how much he depended on you to organize and support whatever work he did. He must feel truly desperate, and you are the only person he knows (apart from himself, which never seems to occur to him) who can rescue him from his plight.

He must have been in a blind panic when his house of cards started to collapse around him - hence his veering from abject pleading to nasty threats in a matter of minutes.

Mixed in with his self-pity (God! This man could cry for England!) will be genuine distress and guilt at what he has done to you. He's weak, not evil.

But I don't think he's got the staying power to put in the considerable effort needed for you to get beyond the betrayal and all the cruelty he subjected you to in its wake.

He'd be far from being alone among men in this. They really think a few weeks of saying how sorry they are and a few bunches of flowers will be enough and then it's time to cast off the sack-cloth and ashes for business as usual. But women need much more reassurance than this and a wise man will recognize this and act accordingly.

But yours has shown no signs of wisdom so far and will likely just get impatient and lose that temper of his when you 'can't let go'.

If despite the advice on this thread you do decide to 'date', don't get completely overwhelmed with feelings of relief and affection - let a part of you stand back and evaluate him dispassionately - you might just find he now gets on your nerves.

Don't forget we are not here to judge you, sweetheart. It's your life - we just don't want you to get hurt any more than you have been already, and advise accordingly.


Slugslasher Wed 18-Jul-12 10:17:07

No, no, NO! Please tell us you have said "NO"......

Doha Wed 18-Jul-12 11:06:57


This mans is desperate. He has no money, no home and noone available for sex. You seem the easy option. You were so broken when he left he believes a wee bit sweet talking and he will be back within your 4 walls and your bed.
Given the chance he would still be with OW l bet, if he had the resources.
Once back he will again lay claim to 1/2 what is legally yours and l don't hink he would stay aithful for long.
You have come so far in such a short time. You are more independant, have more friends and a better social life. Please don't throw all this away for this twunt.
Your Mr Right is out there somewhere and he is certainly not your ex.

skyebluesapphire Wed 18-Jul-12 14:09:09

Sorry you are being torn like this. It is so difficult when the heart fights the head xx

snuffaluffagus Wed 18-Jul-12 18:08:12

Don't go back to him just because you don't think you can't do better.. you CAN do better and you deserve to. Don't fall for his shit. Come on, have some faith in yourself.

startingagain88 Wed 18-Jul-12 19:33:59

Thank you all so much for your support and advice, sometimes i need help to see the wood for the trees. Ive spend the whole day today thinking this through in my head (while i should be working!) ..... at last i think i may have gained some clarity! smile

Yes, I miss him
Yes, I am sad about the way things have turned out
Yes, I wish he had never had the affair


No- He doesn't truly love me
No- He isnt telling me the truth - he is feeding me lies
No- I wont be giving him a 'second chance'

Hes using me..... im the easy option for him, familiar and comfortable, if she wanted him he would drop me without a thought.

This has got to stop - no more deliberating- ITS OVER AND FINISHED there is no going back.

yellowraincoat Wed 18-Jul-12 19:50:45

Make sure you stick to it OP. You need to start filling your life with stuff so that you don't have time to dwell on this situation, that's when you start thinking about going back in my experience.

Slugslasher Wed 18-Jul-12 19:54:41

Yes, yes, YES! smile

startingagain88 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:03:06


Midwife99 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:05:48

Oh thank God!! I've been thinking about you. & hoping you'd come to this conclusion!

Rowanhart Wed 18-Jul-12 20:12:46

And breath out. Thank the Lord.

Be prepared for the next round of nastiness and solicitors threats though when you tell him. He's so predictable.

Oh and ensure you bolt the door as you know he's prone to a gate climb...

Doha Wed 18-Jul-12 20:19:35


startingagain88 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:20:21

Thank you Girls, you are all so kind.... it finally has sunk into my thick head that he is a lying cheating user- it has taken me so long to see it... im sure when i look back on this in a few years time ill wonder how i could have been so blind- but unfortunately my heart has been ruling my head! xxx

Midwife99 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:28:53

Hey we've all been there! grin

MaBumble Wed 18-Jul-12 21:46:53

De-lurking to say Go Starting!

KirstyWirsty Wed 18-Jul-12 21:54:45

Thank goodness for that!!

Go Starting xxx

sadwidow28 Wed 18-Jul-12 22:31:44

Oh thank goodness for that Starting! You had me really worrying for you today. Obviously, the decision must always be your own, but taking him back just wouldn't have been right IMO.

How would he fit into your NEW LIFE for a start? He doesn't socialise, engage and interact with new people the way that you do.

Would he make you stop going sailing with your new friends? Indeed, would he try to cut you off from your new friends? I think he would.

Would he want you to give up your new job, like he made you give up your last job?

He would probably be jealous of the closeness that you have developed with your DB - the person who picked up the pieces when STBX walked out. II can't imagine STBXP and DB in the same room together - so you would have had to split your life into a game of two halves).

Oh well done Starting!

Decision made....... get on with this lovely new life you have.

Give a huge tail swish to Bully from my Border Collie who is also my most faithful companion.

sugarice Thu 19-Jul-12 06:56:07

smile phew!

oldwomaninashoe Thu 19-Jul-12 08:20:33

Gosh Starting you had us all worried there!

I sometimes read threads on here of the "leave the bastard" type and I often think "thats a bit harsh, he doesn't sound too bad"
However the behaviour of your XDP is, in my opinion, beyond the pale.
I think both you and the OW should be thanking your lucky stars that he showed his true colours.
You can't love him, he was prepared to marry someone else at the drop of a hat. You had good times together in the past so just remember them with fondness but remember they are the past, and embrace your exciting future.

captainmummy Thu 19-Jul-12 08:57:42

Be prepared tho for him to start accusing you of 'throwing it all away' and blaming you for 'splitting you up', cos you won't take him back!

It's not going to be his fault, oh no. It'll give him something else to throw at you, to shout at you about.

Stand your ground. you've done nothing wrong.

KirstyWirsty Thu 19-Jul-12 09:33:44

Yes agreed Captainmummy after my STBXH followed the script to the letter and (almost bang on the 6 months)begged me to take him back he was sobbing in front of DD7. When she asked what was wrong he told her 'Mummy doesn't love me anymore' hmm

Wrongbow Thu 19-Jul-12 10:10:20

Three cheers for Starting and her new exciting twat-free life! grin

startingagain88 Thu 19-Jul-12 17:33:08

Thank all of you wonderful ladies for your love and support- the sisterhood has really pulled me through this crap!!

This morning i was in bed, in that wonderful time when you are half sleep and awake........for some reason i seem to do a lot of my thinking then!

I did a lot of thinking yesterday about what has happened, about what he did before and after he left... and this morning i really felt like i had a realisation, a light bulb moment.

I'm finally starting to see this as an opportunity, an chance for me to flourish, to be independent and selfish (only thinking about my needs and not his), to be able to save my hard earned money and spend it on what I want, to be able to party, to travel, experience new things and make wonderful new friends, all things i probably wouldn't have done if he was still in my life.

Its exciting, I'm the captain of my ship now and its up to me to make my life what i want it to be, its also a little scary but i want to embrace that too!

I cant quite remember the exact words, but its like that bit in Thelma and Louise where Thelma says that she couldn't go back to her old life, that something has crossed over in her and she couldn't live, that's is exactly how i feel how could i go back now? and why would i want to?

Thank you so very much thanks

Doha Thu 19-Jul-12 17:41:28

Starting l am so please to read your post. You sound so strong and positive. You have a wonderful future ahead.

However be aware ex is probably going to go balistic when he realises that you have moved on and wont consider a relationship with him.

Chin up and ignore his rantings. You CAN do this, the world is your oyster ( and l am a tad jealous)

You rock girl smile

startingagain88 Thu 19-Jul-12 17:46:15

Thank you Doha!!

I know what his reaction is going to be- but lets be honest im used to all his crap, its getting old now!

I havent said anything to him yet and im not really in a rush to- let me suffer a bit longer!

startingagain88 Thu 19-Jul-12 17:46:47

Let HIM- not me smile

Midwife99 Thu 19-Jul-12 17:57:58

I would just not bother contacting him at all & ignore all his texts/calls/visits. No need to explain yourself to him!!!!

startingagain88 Thu 19-Jul-12 18:04:55

Midwife sounds like a good idea smile

Desperatelygettingthere Thu 19-Jul-12 19:05:56

<sigh of relief> I have lurked on your threads for a while and am so impressed with what you have achieved. Don't go backwards -onwards and upwards only now. You have the rest of your life ahead of you - enjoy!

Tamdin Thu 19-Jul-12 19:41:38

Mostly lurker too but as desperatelygettingthere said "backwards is never the way forwards!". I have read every single one of your posts from the beginning and if you could only see how much you've grown and what a strong special woman you are. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and it won't include him!! x

captainmummy Thu 19-Jul-12 20:18:26

Sounds like you have finally 'let him go'! Realised that you don't actually want, need or love him, any more.

You really do have everything most people want - job, house, financial security, wherewithal to travel and to damn well please yourself!

Am more than slightly envious myself!

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 12:29:58

Morning All,

What a weekend! grin

Firstly have day off work today went sailing yesterday and had a wonderful time, got up early this morning lovely sunshine! threw myself into housework, started in the garden and then moved on to cleaning windows - big mistake!!

Hit my head on a open window, blood everywhere.... i started to panic as i am the house alone... called NHS direct who thought it was serious enough to call a paramedic, nine stitches in my head! NINE ( I'm a wuss i knowsmile ) all done at my kitchen table- a weird morning!

Anyhoo...Need some advice re Arsewipe!- as you guys know, there is a redirect on his business email to my email account ( we set this up so he wouldn't miss any emails)- one pops up on Thursday night- its a flight booking to Dublin the OW's home town!!

So Friday he texts - still wants to get back together loves me i respond 'Are you definitely finished with OW? he says yes, hates her hasnt seen her in a month so i say what are you doing this weekend want to meet for lunch?, he repiles that he cant because he is going to France for the weekend to relax as he has been so stressed lately- while i know he is going to Dublin!! I know i probably shouldnt have texted back but i just wanted to see what he would say!!

So he has called this morning- saying he still wants to get back with me blah blah, i ask him how his weekend in France was he says lovely he had lots of rest (lots of time in bed morelike!!) I asked again so you and OW are definetly over?he says yes, havent seen her for a month etc etc.... Lying comes so naturally to him now- it just rolls of the tongue!

So what should i do now smile ??.....have a little more fun and let him dig himself deeper and deeper smile or spill the beans on what i know and say 'fuck off!! smile-I feel like its my turn to have a little texty fun with the OW, perhaps i could let her see some of the lovey dovey messages he has sent me over the last few weeks begging me to take him back! smile I dont want to get involved in their drama and during this whole mess i have never done anything like this- but it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO tempting especially after the really nasty texts she has sent me!!

Vent over- You couldnt make it up could you? grin

cenicienta Mon 23-Jul-12 12:38:13

Oh, please don't go there...

Why are you still receiving his redirected emails. You need to cancel those ASAP. Even if you need to tell him to get him to cancel the redirect!

I know it's tempting but please don't start playing games with him. You're better than that!

Tell him straight it's over and leave it at that.

It doesn't matter what he's up to with OW.


sugarice Mon 23-Jul-12 12:42:06

Not so skint then anymore if he can bugger off to France/Dublin! hmm Tell him to fuck off and never darken your door again. Hope your headache isn't too bad.

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 12:42:32

Cenicieta, i KNOW but it felt really good to have concrete proof that he is lying through his teeth which he cant deny!! i thought it might be fun!! smile surely i desrve a little a fun? grin

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 12:46:17

Sugarice- i know hes got a job on at the moment so he probably used money from that!, he was definitely in Dublin not France- he wouldn't tell me Dublin because he knows that i would know what he would be doing there and with whom! smile

CrazyChicken Mon 23-Jul-12 12:59:48

I wouldn't be able to resist! I would definitely let him know that you know. Stupid arse!

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 13:09:50

Read hitting your head on an open window for the sign it is... someone up there is trying to knock some sense into you and tell you that, after a little bloodletting at your kitchen table, you should make yourself free to go through that window in your shiny bright new future - and close it firmly behind you.

Enough is enough. You know him for what he is and now it's time to tell him that hell will freeze over before you'd fall victim to any more of his cynical attempts to exploit you either financially or in any other way.

As for his lovey dovey texts; it's glaringly obvious the ow's been in on the plan all along and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't write some of his loving missives.

Have fun telling him that his game's well and truly up - and once you've amused yourself with him for the last time, look to have fun every day whether you're on your own or hanging out with the new friends you've made and the ones you're going to be making.

Wrongbow Mon 23-Jul-12 13:31:38

Hmm tricky... on one hand letting him know you know might make him finally fuck off with the begging and pleading, but on the other hand it might make him turn nasty again. Depends whether you want to risk him climbing over your wall again just for the sake of a bit of fun! Must be mega tempting though grin

MaBumble Mon 23-Jul-12 13:36:32

Didn't he say he'd sign a doc to say he had no right to you're assets? Call his bluff. While he thinks he's in with a chance.

oldwomaninashoe Mon 23-Jul-12 13:41:40

Tough one tarting, like you I would be very tempted to have some fun. Can you forward his email re the Dublin flights to him with a message that you are not prepared to "accept" the emails any longer, especially ones not related to his business, also pleas cease texting me with nonsense as you are not interested any more.

I am of the opinion that he wants back with you so he can get his hands on your money, then beat a hasty retreat back to OW with the spoils. I have a friend who was "played" by her errant husband in a similar way and when he had got want he wanted went back to OW!

oldwomaninashoe Mon 23-Jul-12 13:42:30

Sorry Starting blush

Xales Mon 23-Jul-12 13:49:34

Don't do anything.

A week ago you were deep in the throes of shall I take him back again, maybe he does love me, he is better than being alone.

What was he doing at the same time as luring your money you back? He was planning a weekend away with OW. They may even be actually married now!

Get his numbers blocked. Not just deleted blocked!!

Do not reply to any of his texts, leave him wondering.

Having said that I would be soooooo very tempted to lead him up the path a little. I totally understand how you feel. grin God this man is as thick as pig shit, how did you put up with him for so many years!!?!?!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 23-Jul-12 13:54:15

Wow, what an actor that man is. A serious loss to the stage. If only he'd decided to be an honest thespian instead of using his considerable skill to deceive innocent female houseowners he'd be in line for a knighthood by now.

Just think, if only you got back together with this delightful soul you could let him buy you coffee with your own money instead of his mum's. What a cheering prospect. He may even borrow money from you so he can buy you flowers unless he stops by at the pub first. How could you turn down such an opportunity?

Sorry about your head btw, hope it isn't too sore sad

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 13:59:49

I seem to recall that Xales and I have been on the same page with regard to a possible marriage.

Did you check with your local Registry Office to see if they'd married in the week or so leading up to their 5* trip to Dublin? My little google search revealed the fact that excluding special licence, 6 weeks' notice is required for marriages in England/Wales and 12 weeks in Eire.

It's my understanding that in Eire both parties are required to attend to give noice of their intention to marry and, in the absence of any nuptials having taken place in your locality, I'm wondering whether the 5* star break was for the purpose of giving notice - in which case the infamous tramp stamp could be regarded as being by way of an engagement ring.

How many weeks have elapsed since they last visited Dublin?

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 14:12:27

O come on Annie He's a crap actor; he can't stay in role for longer than 5 minutes hmm

He'd struggle as a bit part player whose only line is to mouth 'rhubarb' in a crowd of extras, and he's no loss to the profession whatsoever.

I think we can safely say that Messrs deNiro, Depp, Pitt, diCaprio et all can sleep easy 'cos daTwunto is unlikely to be getting his mitts on any Oscars in this lifetime grin

<<considers the possibilities of quick setting cement a yacht and a plunge into the depths- Hollywood's walk of fame>>

Helltotheno Mon 23-Jul-12 14:14:41

Honey you're being a bit naive here. Sure, send her on his texts.. it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to her because she probably wrote them , and sending them on to her will therefore only make you look like a tit - the only one not in on the plan in other words.

Have some respect for yourself here. These people are now involved, more than likely married or about to, and just trying to get one more go at taking everything you own. Know that you are still vulnerable right now, even if you might not think you are.

I can't help thinking you didn't change the email situation because you still can't bear not to have some attachment to him/are holding on to the hope that all this will go away and things will go back to how they were/pure nosiness... I don't know but I think if you were serious about actually brutally cutting this man out of your life, you'd have done so already.

How much more proof do you need?

If you must do/say something why don't you just tell him to remove the business emails forwarding to your email as you are no longer involved in his business and leave it at that.

Surely he has enough braincells to workout from that to know that you know he is going to Dublin and not France. Then block/delete his number and sent his email to a junk folder.

Sorry about your head, hope your ok.

Midwife99 Mon 23-Jul-12 16:01:53

I have to agree with everyone honey - stop engaging, stop playing his games & delete & block him & ow!!

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 18:34:37

You girls are wonderful!! and lovely ( Im getting all soppy, must be the bump on the head smile )!!

I'm fine tough as old boots!- Ive be clearing out the rest of the crap from the workshop/garage- ill need a skip at this rate!- I like to draw and want to take up pottery so i have thinking about turning it into a little studio for me!!

I think you girls are right ..... as tempting as it may be i think its best just to keep schum and let him get on with it- ive got nothing to gain by saying anything.

Izzy, you wont believe this but ive counted the weeks since they last went out there it was exactly 12 weeks last week..... coincidence?? Lol smile im going to give the marriages and deaths office in Dublin a call tomorrow, i spoke to them last time and they said it would cost 5 euro to do a search i have to fill in a form it worth it? Maybe not- its not really any of my business now- but i think you mentioned that it might be good to put forward as a show of his character if he takes up his case against me again- will it help??

If they have married i really feel sorry for the OW i mean that.... im sure she wont like it when she is on the receiving end of what he has done to me and he will do it to her just give it time...... smile

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 18:46:17

I imagine the Irish GRO is run pretty much on the same lines as that for England/Wales in that it takes time for copy marriage certificates to be sent to them and collated before being made available for searches etc.

It occurs to me that another mumsnetter may work in the offices may have a better idea of how their system works and I suggest you save your 5e for a couple of months.

Did you check with your local Registry Office to see whether banns had been called?

sugarice Mon 23-Jul-12 18:56:59

Starting, your last post sounds so much more positive and making plans for your own happy future is brilliant! smile Put arsewipe and slapper in a box at the back of your mind and close it for good. How are the plans for Christmas in Oz going?

Thermalsocks Mon 23-Jul-12 18:57:38

Well done Sherlock!
Wow! He never fails to disappoint does he?
Just in the nick of time, as you are weakening, in he jumps with both feet and shows his true colours!

Like you I would have been sorely tempted to scupper his relationship with OW by forwarding on the texts but there really is no point as no doubt she is in on the plot anyway.

Besides I think they will manage to do a good job of scuppering it themselves. Just leave them to it -- two volatile, deceitful, lying, drunken cheats --- a match made in heaven!

Yes I think it is definitely worth checking on the marriage. Any nugget of information re his character and deceit must be useful if your case goes to court. Besides I couldn't resist knowing and having that little piece of info tucked away just in case!

It will no doubt still come as a blow to you but surely must be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship.

Your weekend sounds lovely. Pity it had to come to such a dramatic end.
No good ever comes from washing windows!!

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 18:57:47

Not in the Uk no i didnt get round to it, wouldn't they have a record in Ireland of the application for the marriage IYKWIM, they have to fill in a form pay money etc.... it just seems too much of a coincidence that exactly 12 weeks after they first went they have gone again......hmmm!!

He actually told me that the reason they didn't get married the first visit was because they didn't know you have to give notice and an argument followed on from that, hes got that stupid tattoo..... he told me he bought her a wedding ring over there.....they are hitched aren't they??? After what you have said Izzy and knowing they were going to do it before- im 80% certain their married, and hes telling me he doesnt talk to her and hates her! TWAT grin

startingagain88 Mon 23-Jul-12 19:03:14

Sugar, ive had an invite thats as far as it goes at the moment- i hope it materialises although xmas at home with a roast dinner for one doesnt sound too bad! No turkey to cook- bloody bootiful! smile

Thermal, im very tempted to check, i dont think i can resist TBH, your comment about no good coming from housework is exactly what i said to the paramedic, he laughed, i laughed and i caused my head started pouring blood again!!

Its all drama here isnt it? grin

I would spend the 5 euro just so I know how much of a liar he/they are. And so you have the evidence for when he turns the pressure up again.

fiventhree Mon 23-Jul-12 19:13:59

Its quite possible they married, and that the 'please let me back' line was a ploy to get you onside again, so that he could get his hands on your money, for his future with her. Especially if the dawning fact that he was likely to be unsuccessful was likely to cause him/them other problems.

fiventhree Mon 23-Jul-12 19:14:51

I think you tell him to f.. off and move on, and forget him. You still seem very wrapped up in his life, somehow.

I do see that it is hard though.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 19:53:33

There's no point in spending 5e unless the relevant documentation has been made available to the Irish GRO and can be searched.

If you search now and are told there is no record, it may well be that's because the records haven't yet been compiled/collated and a different result may be obtained in a couple of months' time.

It also occurs to me that it could be the case that a UK citizen marrying in Eire may be required to have banns published at their nearest RO which is why I've suggested that checking with your local Registry Office should be your first port of call.

The system in Ireland may be similar to here in that notification of intent to marry is given to a church/registry office and sent to the GRO ostensibly for checks to be made as to whether the parties are free to marry. Given the number of cases of bigamy that occur annually, it's not a foolproof system.

But the point is that a notification of intentionto marry is subject to alteration. As an intended marriage may not take place, reliabilty can only be placed on obtaining a copy of the actual marriage certificate which, as I've said, may take some time before it is made availabe to the general public.

Check your local Registry Office first and give it a couple of weeks before you call Dublin and specifically ask how long it takes for them to have a record of a marriage that may have taken place perhaps in a parish church miles from anywhere.

TubbyDuffs Mon 23-Jul-12 20:03:08

Have read this thread and the previous one today, and have to say it has been a rollercoaster. Kept thinking you were going to cave in and get back with the twunt, and then (thank God) you didn't!


You sound absolutely amazing. You are getting on with the life you deserve to lead.

You might love this bastard until your dying day, but unfortunately he doesn't love or respect you, and you must remember that. He is a bastard of the highest order.

I think that both of them are in on trying to fleece you and you would be well to never ever answer the phone to him or engage with him again. Let everything be done through a solicitor.

Please stay strong, you really are an inspiration. x

springydaffs Mon 23-Jul-12 21:33:47


well, I can't help thinking that revenge is a dish best served cold when you don't care any more . what ever you do honey, nothing will be as bad as the car crash that is waiting to happen with those two.

I'd be tempted to keep him sweet tbh so that he's not aggressively in your face like he was last time re if you make it clear his number is up, he might go back to being vile. I wouldn't lightly bring that on iiwy. I genuinely think you're out of the woods now (well done!) and I'd just collect those bits of info as and when - they may come in handy at some stage. tbh, he's keeping you sweet and two can play at that. Play the long game?

I'm sorry it's come to this sweetie, but you do seem to be in a good place and you have come such a long way. well done.

really sorry to hear about your poor head (aww). Have you got anyone to keep an eye on you? nasty bash to the head, best you look after yourself a bit in the next few days eh

Helltotheno Mon 23-Jul-12 21:45:47

they may come in handy at some stage. tbh, he's keeping you sweet and two can play at that

Yes but the end result could be him losing his rag again no matter what way she plays it, don't you think? That's why imo she's better making it very clear to him that if comes near her/contacts her/in any way disrupts her life again, there will be consequences. This guy is not your friend any more, he's not in your camp, he's your enemy, and in your position, I'd be taking every measure to protect myself. Hence the comments from people about how you still seem to be so involved in his life.
These two are against you and are plotting and planning to take everything you own. I just don't agree with any plan that involves keeping him sweet.

Cathynclaire Tue 24-Jul-12 12:26:32

Well, 'the man' obviously did not get as far as kissing the Blarney stone - all he spouts is shit.

Is divorce legal in Eire - she's stuck with him if it isn't - that's your revenge!!

Midwife99 Tue 24-Jul-12 16:58:53

You sound do strong now love but avoid further involvement other than to reply ONCE if & when he contacts you again to say you know he went to Dublin & he's a liar & if he ever contacts you again you will prosecute him for harassment.

only4tonight Tue 24-Jul-12 19:07:24

I cannot believe I missed all of this! He is a determined deceitful sod isn't he

RoxyRobin Tue 24-Jul-12 21:46:04

Wondered where you'd got to o4t - thought you must have been made CEO after all and were too busy getting the economy on its feet!

Isn't he just - if only he'd put as much enterprise and effort into doing an honest job he'd be on his way to his first million.

only4tonight Tue 24-Jul-12 22:44:06

Tee he you couldn't be further from the very boring truth. Truth is I have been keeping an eye on the active conversations list and this slipped off (am also doing some work at the Olympics so its all very busy (and when I stop worrying about stuff its exciting). This is the first time I have said anything about the Olympics on line and even that makes me nervous so the thought of CEO would have me running to the hills!

RoxyRobin Tue 24-Jul-12 23:52:31

How thrilling! You'll have to keep us posted with any insider gossip.

only4tonight Wed 25-Jul-12 00:50:20

Oh I am very much on the outside! No inside info here.....

It is exciting to be part of it though.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Wed 25-Jul-12 09:11:10

Please be careful. He's shown himself to be a nasty piece of work. If he is married and believes he is just stringing you along for money, he's demonstrated how vicious he is. Previous behaviour has shown him to be completely callous (abusing you by text etc), and physically threatening (forcing his way into your home).

You've had coffee together (am I the only one who thinks it wasn't 'luck' that he ran into you in that shop?) and you've given him the impression you'd be happy to meet for lunch when trying to find out if he was in the UK that weekend. As far as he's concerned he's still in with a chance.

Just forward that Dublin email, say you hope you had a nice time with her that weekend, and detach. Don't worry whether he's married or not - he's not your problem any more. Don't give him head space.

It would be great to confront him with the evidence of his duplicity and see him slink away with tail between his legs, but he could attack you or ratchet up the abuse.

PooPooInMyToes Wed 25-Jul-12 09:22:19

Bloody hell! I can't believe the cheek of the Dublin/France thing! Lying fucker. I don't know how you have resisted telling him you know.

Only4theOlympics Thu 26-Jul-12 19:37:09

This is the only thread where people know me so can I just say "check the name change". - excited!

Midwife99 Thu 26-Jul-12 20:02:53


KirstyWirsty Thu 26-Jul-12 20:07:25

Is that you Starting???

Only4theOlympics Thu 26-Jul-12 21:53:19

No its only4tonight I didn't venture too far lol

Midwife99 Thu 26-Jul-12 21:57:59

Ahhhhh get it now! Lol

KirstyWirsty Thu 26-Jul-12 22:43:11

Ah.. I feel a bit dumb now Only it makes sense now :-) x

Only4theOlympics Tue 31-Jul-12 19:24:54

Been quiet in here. Hope that's a good sign x

KirstyWirsty Wed 01-Aug-12 22:51:02

Yes Only I hope Starting is doing well and moving on with her life x

springydaffs Sat 04-Aug-12 13:35:08

It looks like it, doesn't it? RESULT! smile smile

Starting, if you are around at some point, there's another thread going on a similar tack (it's so depressing that there are men like this about sad ). You may be able to give her a helping hand/word or two.

Only4theOlympics Fri 10-Aug-12 11:01:35

Hey starting. I can't see the Olympic sailing without thinking about you. How is it going x

startingagain88 Tue 21-Aug-12 07:01:57

Morning ladies,

Ive so busy with a project at work and trying to make the best of the nice weather that i havent been updating on here much, but i am very low this morning.......

Arsewipe has been contacting me from his new number, his other phone was cut off, saying how sorry he is about everything etc and that he wants to be friends.... I stupidly agreed to meet with him for a drink , as he seemed to be getting himself together, but then he starts saying that he is really struggling for money as a customer hasn't paid and is having to redo a part of the job. So i state the obvious its not really my problem etc, then i get a tirade of a abuse, im a c**t, a controlling bastard, i want it all my way, a finger pointing in my face, basically had to get up from the chair and leave tears streaming down my face, and when i looked back he mouthed f**k off you c**t. I was in bits.

He has recently moved into a small house, which he rents alone and i was under the impression things were ok for him, and he was turning his live around a bit, the OW is out of the picture for the moment (i dont know how long that will last) but he looked desperate last night that same look he had when he came round the house, climbing the fence demanding money.

Since i got back there have been a string of texts between us, i never normally engage like that but i was so upset i did, i said a few nasty things about him and the OW but nothing horrible, but he said to me 'I will never forget that you wouldn't help me and wont let you get away with it' now he probably doesn't mean it but i feel really scared by that and haven't been able to sleep all night.

Its my fault i know, but i just needed to know that im not alone xxx

startingagain88 Tue 21-Aug-12 07:04:50

What i dont understand is he only moved into his rental place a few weeks ago and was talking about 'taking me on holiday- to say sorry' - of course i said no! How can he go from that to this in a matter of weeks???