Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

sod the elephant, looks like its really over.......

(992 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Fri 11-May-12 02:41:01

So, after our great date on Saturday and lovely day on Sunday, tonight he emails me his letter which basically details how unhappy he was, how long he had been unhappy, all the things that made him unhappy.

skyebluesapphire Fri 11-May-12 02:42:42

He says that I was so stressed out it was impossible to talk to me and I took it out on him and my daughter. He says that when he was ill I didnt care (I was ill myself at the same time). He felt that he was doing most of the housework and I didnt appreciate it. I spent too much time on facebook and tv (he was on the computer every night). I was too controlling because I organised our entire lives and we were always busy.

Now that he is on his own he is happy making his own decisions, does not feel pressured, he likes living in town with everything in easy reach. I never supported him in his work.

He enjoyed the date last week, but still feels no desire to come back at present. He said that since the date I put too much pressure on him and have got my hopes right up again and he accepts the blame for that for giving me mixed signals and false hope..

I telephoned him after getting the email and I asked him where this left us, is he saying its over or what, as we were supposed to be going out on Saturday. He said maybe leave it a couple of weeks, so I pushed him and said but do you want to do this, honestly, do you think it will make a difference and he said no.

So I guess that is the end of my marriage then. I said if thats what you are saying then divorce is the only route now and he said I dont want to get divorced, its only a bit of paper. I said no it isnt, its the closure I need to be able to move on and hopefully find somebody else in the future.... I said did he want to start it or me and he said its up to you. So looks like I'll be taking control of that one then..... I told him that we need a more formal footing for access now, he wont be able to come in the house any more and put her to bed etc.

I wrote him a long email back, addressing all the points in his letter and also laying blame on him, which I didnt do in my first letter.

I am so gutted that my marriage is over, but he is being very selfish and cowardly.

skyebluesapphire Fri 11-May-12 02:45:55

I was going to start a new thread, but old one still going now, so please post on that one, thanks.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-May-12 07:27:48

Dumped by e-mail? "It's not me, it's you" eh? Stick the boot in that it's 'all your fault'? Get yourself a good lawyer and good luck with the divorce.

QueenieLovesEels Fri 11-May-12 07:37:49

He is an arsewipe. Get yourself a solicitor as a matter of urgency and keep your finances protected.

I still think that there is more news to come on the text woman front.

Prepare yourself.

SirSugar Fri 11-May-12 07:46:31

Stop pulling the wool over your own eyes; get angry and lawyer up.

Its not ' I guess the marriage is over', take control and your dignity and end it yourself. you will feel much better when you are in the driving seat instead of waiting around letting him write his stupid letters and going on silly dates.

Personally I'd be fucking furious that he sent some letter detailing my failings as a wife, who the hell does he think he is? He is either stupid/deluded or thinks you are stupid enough to not see through his facade of 'I am not having an affair with that woman'.

SirSugar Fri 11-May-12 07:48:40

Keep 'pushing' him, yeah do that - until he falls off a cliff

SirSugar Fri 11-May-12 07:50:27

AND keep putting the pressure on - direct it at his wallet and squeeze and squeeze.

crestico Fri 11-May-12 07:59:36

i'll be different then:
don't waste your energy being angry and spiteful - any gratification you get in the short term will only make you regret it going forward and you really don't want to be in a position of fighting over kids and such. keep it amicable if you can, or just cut him off as soon as possible. either way, it's much much better for your kid(s) - because they will be affected by all of the negativity if you let it go down that road

grieve for the end of your marriage and get the wheels in motion for the divorce. most importantly : protect your finances.

i really hope you keep your cool and come through this stronger. we're here to support!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-May-12 08:23:30

I don't think being angry is a waste of energy. The OP has spent so long desperately hoping that things could improve, ignoring her own feelings and pandering to his 'insecurities' that I think a good old blow-out is actually required. She should have got angry when he first walked out but, instead, she stayed conciliatory ... and all it achieved was to have contempt and resentment heaped on her head in spades.

'Amicable' is how friends treat each other. Whatever else this man is, he is not her friend. Your children do not need to be shielded a minute longer. Be negative OP... I think you've earned the right.

crestico Fri 11-May-12 08:43:58

"I don't think being angry is a waste of energy"

how will being angry achieve anything? or at least anything she wanted (reconciliation). it is a waste of energy. it's better to just let go, grieve, and move on with her life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-May-12 08:51:09

Being angry will achieve a lot. It will kick-start her out of the will-he-won't-he torpor that has put her life on hold since he walked out. It will get her out of doormat mode. It will focus her mind and give her the energy to get going with the divorce. It will enable her to see her ex for who he really is and stop making excuses on his behalf.

Suppressing her anger, denying her feelings, has achieved nothing but contempt. She needs to yell.... not repress and keep an unnatural calm. Then she can let go and move on and be much healthier mentally.

dondon33 Fri 11-May-12 10:59:37

Whether you get angry or not you need to take control now Skye. Start the ball rolling and see a solicitor, why doesn't he want a divorce? selfish reasons - maybe he thinks he can come back to you at some point if he leaves the door open, financial reasons- divorces are expensive and will hit him in the pocket. He can't really use the excuse that's just a piece of paper WTF?

How very noble of him to accept the blame for giving you false hope :@ what a guy, what about shouldering some responsibility for what's happened in your marriage, 2 of you are in it and it takes 2 to make it work.

I haven't read your other post but from what I can gather there is possibly OW involved. Which could go a little way to explain the way he wrote to you -blaming you, convincing himself that his marriage was shite and he had reason to cheat/look elsewhere. arsehole

Stay strong Skye, you have tried to fix it but he obviously doesn't want to. Move forward, he deserves no more of your time. Good luck xx

kittycatwoman Fri 11-May-12 11:13:04

What sirsugar said. Squeeze the selfish bastard for every penny he has got. Cheeky fekcer.

crestico Fri 11-May-12 11:15:50

look, i know everyone comes here because thye're hurting, or need help... but i am getting sick and tired of all these posts which advocate revenge and anger and lashing out.

being upset and being angry are different things and you shouldn't ever be angry as an outlet for your hurt. a lot of very stupid vindictive spiteful and ultimately regretable things have been said and done in anger - and you can't always take them back. it's the main reason why most of us are here.

think of the children. do they want to see you (or do you want them to see you) screaming at and waging war against their (possibly crappy?) father, or do you want to show them how to act maturely and responsibly when life hands you a steaming bag, show them that anger/violence/hate isn't acceptable - whilst being strong and assertive - and allow them to form their own relationships with him over time if that's something they (as individuals) want, whilst not being influenced by you and your actions/reactions to him post-breakup (which are always extremely heated and sad affairs and always affect children deeply).

be upset. be hurt. grieve for your relationship... but don't use it as an excuse to be angry and lash out - that's just not nice, and sends your children a very strong message about who you are and what they can be and do when they grow up. don't let a broken relationship mean a broken home. you may not agree with it, but if he's made his decision, all you can do is make your own way through this with as much poise and dignaty as possible.

good luck moving on OP, I really hope that throughout all of this crap, something good might (one day) come from this. we are here to help

Mumsyblouse Fri 11-May-12 11:28:47

I think actually the OP will be relatively dignified about it. She waited patiently for his letter which proved he was as crap as we suspected and hasn't been, from my impression anyway, slagging him off. She may well wish to be angry with him in private, though, he needs a few home truths being told, and there's no reason for her not to be frank, angry or upset in front of him. But that's a different thing than lashing out at him or through her daughter and she sounds too sensible for that to me. I think the fact that she immediately saw the lie of the land once she'd seen the letter in black and white, and is prepared to intiate the divorce and formalise contact is actually a good thing.

PooPooInMyToes Fri 11-May-12 13:17:07

sad

You're sounding strong op.

ThePinkPussycat Fri 11-May-12 13:42:02

Feeling your own anger does not necessarily equate to shouting and lashing out. It doesn't need to manifest in that way. Feeling oppressed and miserable often does - I speak from experience.

Harnessing the energy that anger brings can give you the strength to do what you have to do, including a divorce that, while amicable might not be the right word, is focussed on the facts and achieving the best you can for yourself and DC.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-May-12 13:43:00

" it's the main reason why most of us are here"

The main reason why so many women are here is that they've been conditioned by a male dominated relationship in a male dominated society to be meek and mild... conciliatory and palliative. They are told that a 'good woman' takes the other person's bad behaviour on the chin, calmly, maturely, rationally. They are conditioned to believe that angry women are somehow freakish and a threat. The frustration this self-imposed inability to express rage causes leads to thousands of women being prescribed ADs and other tranqulising drugs to make it through the day rather than tackling the cause of the frustration head on. I'm not advocating taking revenge, screaming, lashing out or waging war necessarily .... but getting angry at being treated like a piece of dirt is a totally valid emotion. If more women gave themselves permission to be angry there would be far fewer opportunites for bullies and emotional abusers to take advantage of instituionalised meek and mildness.

SigmundFraude Fri 11-May-12 13:50:56

'AND keep putting the pressure on - direct it at his wallet and squeeze and squeeze.'

'What sirsugar said. Squeeze the selfish bastard for every penny he has got. Cheeky fekcer.'

And this is why I'm so glad I'm not a man. Lovely.

midwife99 Fri 11-May-12 15:07:09

Getting angry is healthy. I don't mean screaming & shouting in front of DC etc. I mean the sort of anger that gives you the energy to stop the twunt taking advantage anymore & to get strong. Good luck OP.

janelikesjam Fri 11-May-12 17:25:54

The main reason why so many women are here is that they've been conditioned by a male dominated relationship in a male dominated society to be meek and mild... conciliatory and palliative.

I agree with this. I think this meekness and mildness causes lots of problems (in the short run and the long run). There is nothing inherently wrong with being angry at being treated like rubbish; it prevents it happening again for one thing. One other issue, probably not relevant on this post though, is when its "built up" from not asserting oneself in smaller ways. Here it can build up to where it can be explosive (outwardly) or internally.

So, OP, I'm not advocating anything myself (I don't know the background to this on previous thread, etc). I do think finishing by email is a a pretty cowardly thing to do. I do think ending by email is pretty shock.

Wish you really well in going forward.

thrillahkillah Fri 11-May-12 17:30:36

divorce is just a piece of paper??? did he think marriage was just a piece of paper too?

twunt.

of course, he'll be saying all this because
a) he wants to avoid any kind of confrontation/signing papers/talking to solicitor/expense and
b) he wants everything to be informal, so he can exert maximum manipulation and just bully you into the kind of access/spousal support/settlement that HE wants

i'm sorry this happened to you & i hope you can get (and stay) angry enough to assert your rights in this situation.

it sounds like you're already on track. good luck to you, you'll find support here x

Xales Fri 11-May-12 17:37:24

I am so sorry skye.

It is pretty nasty to spend time holding hands on the beach and cuddling up to just dump on them like this.

Please remember from now on moving forwards this man is not your friend. Right now you cannot trust him to do the right or decent thing by you. Get yourself to a solicitor and find out where you stand and what you can do. Get yourself to the CAB and find out what financial help etc you are entitled to.

Maybe in the future you can be friends but for now you need to concentrate on yourself and your DD.

You are incredibly strong. Despite what everyone was saying on your other threads you did what you thought was the right thing. You can hold your head high and look in the mirror.

Do what is right for you and DD. I hope you have a good life.

Secrecy Fri 11-May-12 17:39:42

I'm so sorry to hear this, sky. You tried. You can hold your head up high and say you tried, and now it's time to move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now