Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..(283 Posts)
I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.
We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..
my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D
I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??
He's fucked up, he's hurt you, he's confused your daughter - move on, stay strong and thank fuck for a lucky escape!
I wouldn't waste your time tbh. His heart isn't in it. You're full of hope and prepared to change your behaviour, trying to second-guess how he's feeling, even making excuses for him like 'pressure'. You're getting nowhere and I wouldn't lower myself any more if I were you. Why should you dance and kow-tow for him while he takes his time selfishly working out how he feels? It sounds less like reconciliation and more like capitulation on your part.
He knows where you are. He knows who you are. He knows you have a child. If he wants to 'reconnect' it has to be wholeheartedly and completely... not this hot/cold not-sure-if-I-can-be-bothered crap you've currently got. Sorry to be so blunt.
I would say that you can't go out with him until he has been honest with you about what I going on.
There really isn't any point in trying to plaster a smile on your face if he cares so little about your feelings in all of this.
How can you move on if you've no idea what you're trying to leve behind?
He knows where you are. Make it clear nothing further can be done until he's faced up to what he's done and what you need him to do now.
At the very least you deserve an explanation. And you deserve that need to be taken into consideration.
If I were you OP I'd tell him that there would be no contact until he decided whether or not he wanted to discuss issues. Why on earth do you want go out with him and pretend nothing is wrong?
Put your big girl pants on here and locate your self respect button.
(Not meaning to be harsh but OP come on now)
Cogito, you think you were blunt <has reread own post >
In case I wasn't clear enough, op, this is his fault. Therefore, you should accept nothing less than grovelling abatement where he began you to allow him back.
Anything less and he's showing you massive disrespect.
You need to be sweetness and light, and he can do what he likes? You need to be kinder and truer to yourself. Make him work a little for the relationship. What have you got to lose. You are worth more than being a puppet for him to play with. He might even respect you more for it.
To be honest, if this was my situation, I would tell him I needed him to have space for as long as it takes for him to finally decide whether he wants to be part of your family or not (that way he could have his midlife crisis/affair/get treatment for his depression... whatever is going on without it affecting me).
And I would spend that time, rebuilding my own life and self-esteem and independence, and concentrate on putting that energy into myself and my children (who frankly would deserve my love and attention far more than the man that walked out on us). And then if nothing happened, well what would have been lost? Chances are if he has walked once, what is to stop him doing it again. Especially if you make it all too easy for him.
OP I have read your other thread.
You've left some very pertinent facts out of this thread, and I understand why - it hurts, and you're in denial.
Stop writing him letters. Stop trying to change your own behaviour - you're not at fault here.
He has moved out and, although you won't accept it - and I won't post the evidence here because you obviously don't want to have it in black and white on this thread - he has moved on. I am so sorry, but you need to accept this and you need to move on too.
Are you the OP whose h took himself off to live in the home of a woman he frequently texted in the cause of allegedly giving her the support that was lacking from her dh after a stillbirth?
If so, or if not, forget about winning him back, honey. You're best advised to go no contact except when making arrangements for him to see dd - outside of the marital home - and wait to see if he attempts to win you back.
Any attempt to make an elephant disappear by can only be an illusion at best and they are far too large to sweep under carpets.
He has checked out and is likely to be emotionally attached to someone else.
He is in his own fantasy/lust/infatuation fuelled bubble.
No matter how sweet and lovely you are on the "date" he will find things to criticise - this is how they justify their behaviour.
The date is so that they can look like the good guy who tried everything but it didn't work.
You have to accept that he has detached and there is nothing you can do except move on
he sounds really selfish tbh.
Family life IS full of responsibilities and isnt all sweetness and light all the times.
Seems like he wants his cake and to eat it - wants to check out of the responsibility and be free to come and go as he likes ( he may well be ssing other people too, especially if you are not actually together) but wants to go out with you and for you to pretend to be happy so he cant play boyfriend/girlfriend without actually having to grow up and face the fact he has hurt you badly.
What a prick.
I think it's sad that you feel you have to be "sweetness and light" with someone who you are married to to remind them of what they fell in love with - marriage is about loving someone warts and all. If he can't appreciate how low you must be feeling due to his actions and love you for trying to your hardest to keep him - then he just isn't worth it and he doesn't deserve you.
I think there's a bit more going on than you've put in your OP, but...
What you have to remember is that dates are like interviews, yes it's important to present your best side, BUT you are also trying to work out if the "job" is right for you. There's no point doing a wonderful interview and getting offered the job if the pay is £1 an hour, and you were looking for an annual salary of £100k.
In short, you need to work out what your requirements are prior to this date, and you need to work out your worth. Go looking fabulous and paint a smile on your face, but don't be afraid to state what you need to make this relationship work for you, and if the offer on the table isn't good enough, then walk away - never settle, it doesn't make anyone happy in the long run.
Hope it goes well and you get what you want: whatever that may be.
I didn't read your other post, but what I read here is that in order to have a chance at winning back your DH you have to change into some beguiling, enchanting, foxy courtesan so that he can see what a big mistake he's made and come back to you.
This man has checked out. The man you married no longer exists, or just never did. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you cannot snare him back. He will never want to talk about deeper issues, because he has no intention of returning. You can turn yourself inside out and upside down, and beg him, but it won't end well.
Take back control. YOU give HIM the ultimatum - either he writes that letter to you by xxx date, or agrees to talk to you on yyy date or there is no contact, other than visitation by him for your DD. End of.
As MissFaversham puts it so eloquently, put your big girl pants on. It's time.
You do realise that everything you say to him and the way you behave to him is being analysed/undermined by the ow?
If you prance around being sweetness and light with him at the weekend, she'll doubtless be telling him that you're only behaving in this way to lure him back to the marital home wherein he will become
downtrodden frustrated and unhappy again.
I seem to recall that in your last post you made reference to the fact that he had begun to criticise the ow & her h in a similar manner to how he had once disparaged them.
If this is the case, right now is your ideal opportunity to swing the balance of power in your favour.
Superglue your balls back on and tell him that you've changed your mind about seeing him this weekend. Say that, after having giving it plenty of thought, you can see that there's no point in flogging a dead horse and you are better off apart.
Don't write or text; convey this message in a phone conversation and, when you tell him that the weekend's off, say that of course he won't mind being cancelled out as you know he's only going through the motions in agreeing to 'date' you and you feel it's time for you to go out with men who actively want to date you - let him come to the conclusion that the reason you're cancelling is that you've had a better offer.
Cease any further communication with him on the subject of your relatonship. Be bright, breezy, and matter of fact when you are making arrangements for his contact with dd and make it clear that, as far as you're concerned, your marriage is over and you're looking to move on.
If you follow this advice and cut him off if he tries to raise the subject of your relationship, I'll give it 2 weeks tops before he starts making overtures about a possible reconciliation.
This is the worst possible strategy to win him back
although he doesn't seem that much of a prize
Basically it's akin to begging, and he has all the power and control here. I think given his nearly 2000 texts to another woman in one month, the chances that he'll be won over by this strategy is zero and you will feel awful. Even if he wasn't sleeping with her, he was mentally elsewhere and this won't lure him back.
Of course you can't act all light and happy and sweet and cheerful, he left you and your child. You are expecting too much of yourself, and it won't work anyway.
You've had some great advice about this, I really really feel for you, I hope it works out ok.
He is here now, I offered him tea again, it's so hard playing happy families when we aren't one. My daughter is now looking at photos and saying that was taken when you were still here daddy... It hurts him but he deserves it. I am struggling to be nice when I just want to shout YOU BASTARD YOU WALKED OUT ON US!
I didn't put details of other thread as I do not think there is anything going on and I am trying to look at this issue of him not talking... And how can we ever move on if he won't talk.... i need to see what he writes in his letter now before we can go in any direction.
not a good idea to start new thread looking for things you want to hear
Good that you're finding the anger.
Playing the perfect, forgiving wife, lover, counsellor, friend will drive you nuts. If keeping a man means using all your energy catering to and worrying about his whims, suppressing emotions and denying his horrible actions, he's not worth it.
Really think you need to cease constant communication with him.
Don't bloody offer him tea, argh!
He has left you, why should he be fed?
The issue isn't that he isn't talking, it's that despite pressure from you he clearly doesn't want to be in the relationship right now.
<even if we avoid elephant in room of the OW>
Why are you catering to/for him? If he wants to see dd he can become a MaccyD's dad and collect her and return her from/to your doorstep - he doesn't get to come in and you certainly shouldn't let him get his feet back under the table for tea or any other refreshment/meal.
No more Mrs Nice Gal ... he made the choice to leave you and, except for communications relating to dd, you now need to
hang him out to dry cut all contact with him so that he can stew in his own juice become as thoroughly disenchanted by his set up with the ow as he professed himself to be with your marriage - and that ain't gonna happen if you keep on dancing attendance on him and continue to let him have a foot in both camps.
Give him a dose of tough love and I have no doubt that he'll start recalling all of good things he had with you and dd. When he starts making noises about taking you out/getting back together, etc, that's when you start to
play hardball with his head teach him that you're not a pushover woman whose affections he can easily trife with.
2 weeks, honey. That's all it'll take for him to start seeing the light which willl lead him back to you.
Personally speaking, as I wouldn't want any more to do with such a selfish and self-centred man, I'd make sure there's a power cut.
And, btw, return his letter to sender.
He doesn't want to be in the relationship, maybe he thought he found something ''better'' maybe not but he wants to keep a foot in the door in case he ends up being lonely or uncomfortable and wants his home comforts back. He walked out on you and your 4 year old daughter expecting you to deal with it and keep the bed warm for him whenever and if he might deign to return. He's behaved wrongly regardless of his reasons and he refuses to make the moves required for a reconciliation as a couple and do the hard, hurtful work but is happy to take the nice times and watch you positively leaking self respect like oil, beg him for more and making sure he feels good and his indiscretions not mentioned. Nope. It can only ever be up to you as to stay or go but it's our duty of parents to model the behaviour we want for our children - I'd pitch one if my daughter told me she was trying to remember to be happy and change herself like this. Also, it takes two to value and save a marriage.
^^ that is how I read this op, then I twigged and had a re-read of the old one. My opions of this guys matched even before I realised it was the same guy so even without the 'extra' infor his behaviour was .
Spot-on posts from NicNocJnr and and izzyizin there. OP, please listen to them!
This is a truly disastrous strategy.
Be careful what you wish for OP.
Let's just imagine for a nano-second that it works. That your husband decides to come back home.
What then? You ignore that he's been having an affair? You ignore that he won't talk about why he left and the perceived problems he's got staying in this marriage?
Do you carry on trying to be superwife in case he leaves you again?
Will he respect you? Will you respect yourself?
The reason he left is staring you in the face, but despite what people are saying about 1000s of texts to another woman, you don't want to believe it. Of course he won't discuss anything with you, because he's got nothing to say apart from the real reason he left and he won't tell you that.
The best way of dealing with this is to withdraw and insist he picks up your child and takes her out. He shouldn't be allowed to play happy families at home because it's cruel to your daughter to see her daddy act like normal in her home surroundings and then go again. She sounds very distressed and although you seem to take some comfort in what she said to him, my heart went out to her and not you, because you and he allowed that situation to happen.
If he's so wonderful that you're prepared to lose all your self-respect chasing after him and allowing him to hurt your daughter unnecessarily, the sad fact is that he won't want a woman like that. He'll want someone with some backbone and a sense of her own worth.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.