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When life throws you potatoes, make chips! Be disappointed but never defeated! Dating thread No:13

(1000 Posts)
ChaoticAngel Thu 26-Apr-12 21:31:13

"you say potato, I say potatNO"

Down with potatoes grin

As you were....

watchoutforthatsnail Thu 26-Apr-12 21:31:41

Sponge sad It's shit..I'm sorry sad I know you know its not your fault, and you know hed a shit. But its still horrile and I'm sorry. Wallow for a few days and eat pizza.... And then pick yourself up and hold your head high. I know we don't do.hugs, but a chorus of fuck the mothrt fuckers like we did for snape?

ChaoticAngel Thu 26-Apr-12 21:32:58

Fuck the mother fucker!!!!!!!

Well on the upside, you found out early on. Twat, he clearly was not worthy of you anyways.

TimeForMeAndDD Thu 26-Apr-12 21:38:48

Hey, new thread, we filled the other one in less than a week!

Will this be the thread that sees watch and Sponge get a second date? Will it be the thread that sees Time get a job shag? Will this be a thread of dating success for all, not just lubey grin

TimeForMeAndDD Thu 26-Apr-12 21:40:10
notsurewhyohwhy Thu 26-Apr-12 21:45:39

I havnt been online for a few days as I'm moving in a couple of weeks and I need to pack.

Just to update - I have a date with a new guy tomorrow night, he is new to the area and works for a chinese bank as a trader so I think I will call him mr trader. we get on well but i'm not sure if i will fancy him. but thought i would go anyway to see how it goes smile

also i am going on date number 2 with mr location grin i know i wasnt going to but there really isnt many nice guys around right now.

sponge - sorry to hear that he turned out to be another crappy guy sad hes crap and your not and you will find someone much better then him. Its just a shame that there are so many shit men out there...

ChaoticAngel Thu 26-Apr-12 21:47:51

You know, I must be getting old. My first thought was 'You got to university with that punctuation?' blush

I never had much time for TakeThat when they first started up, never gave Gary Barlow a first, much less second, thought. Since he's been on the x-factor I have even less time for him so this guy looking like him isn't a plus.

NickL Thu 26-Apr-12 21:49:24

When life chucks spuds at you: jacket in.

watchoutforthatsnail Thu 26-Apr-12 21:51:43

I had a second date, its just it was crap!!!!!smile

Id like another second date and some sex if that's not too much to

hatesponge Thu 26-Apr-12 21:55:31

I'll settle for feeling even a fraction less crap than I do now, and for hating my job and colleagues slightly less.

Anything else seems like too much to hope for.

lubeybooby Thu 26-Apr-12 21:56:07

Oooh new thread!


watchoutforthatsnail Thu 26-Apr-12 21:56:10

And I'm now chatting to someone that has a boat.
Which is hysterical timing....
( just need to drop in that I'm a bit skilled with boats smile )

watchoutforthatsnail Thu 26-Apr-12 21:57:23

Sponge sad fuck them all. Fuck them. They are all shiesters.

Oh sorry American pie reunion anyone?

Why do I always text back straight away? And why the hell have I got some idiot keep asking for a picture of my feet not my boobs or my bum, he did ask but got a firm no. Every night he texts this. Drop it, you aren't going to get it.

lovesineffable Thu 26-Apr-12 22:49:01

that 'gary barlow' POF profile, well he's using a pic taken in 2009 shock ffs, thats just cheating, I'd never use a 3 year old pic.
Anything more than a year old is misrepresenting yourself!
and if thats a modelling assignment I dont think much of the lighting!

hatesponge Thu 26-Apr-12 23:02:21

I feel so pathetically sad.

For being taken for a mug. For not seeing his lies. Because he was a liar and a shit. Because work is so horrible, and because of all the other horrible crap that's going on (like the prospect of mediation with my Twat of an Ex next week)

I just want to crawl into a hole for a long time but even thats pointless because nothing would change.

lubeybooby Thu 26-Apr-12 23:03:19

Sponge, I'm so sorry you have all this crap at the moment sad , whats the fuck the motherfuckers song again?

notsurewhyohwhy Thu 26-Apr-12 23:09:04

sponge - I know how you feel sad i want to hide my head in the sand for a month or two so I dont have to deal with all the crap...

Tollysfolly Thu 26-Apr-12 23:20:26

has anyone that started on this thread from the beginning gained a proer ongoing relationship whilst since joining up ? I've not been on POF for a few days. I'm still hidden. will wait a week I think before relaunching lol.
my ds2 starts at a new football club sat and I've been reliably informed there are a lot of single dads taking their children to practise.... so i do have anterior motives for letting ds2 change clubs :D lol

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 00:01:04

i dunno tolly but a 'proper ongoing relationship' is the LAST thing i want
sheesh..take a puruse of the mn r'ships forum and thank my lucky stars i'm a single girlsmile
i'm happy with a decent shag now & again, preferably not getting to know the bloke too well so he cant spoil my nice memories by turning out to be a jerk!

Lovingfreedom Fri 27-Apr-12 00:12:43

Hi, I met a guy on OKCupid and I've been seeing him for a while now. I don't know if it counts as a 'proper relationship' but he first got in touch mid-Feb and we've been seeing each other quite a bit and emailing loads since then. He seems very keen and strangely enough, I quite like him. I'm surprising myself cos I started out telling him I wasn't interested and didn't want a relationship anyway. He's coming to cut my grass tomorrow (even though he hates gardening) and we've got a weekend away booked for a couple of weeks' time.

LittleHouseofCamelias Fri 27-Apr-12 00:59:45

Hi Tolly
I was on the first dating thread when I met up with a POF guy I had been emailing for a couple of months and never got round to meeting. Then another guy stood me up and he was let down too so we went for a drink to compare disaster stories.
Seven months later we are all loved up and spend about six nights a week together, kids seem ok with it and everything is lovely. He treats me well, my Dad likes him, and his mum and dad adore me. Very promising and all free with POF!
Keep the faith xxx

MsCellophane Fri 27-Apr-12 05:26:15

Lubey, your date sounds amazing

Sponge - what a creep! At least you found out early, I dated one like that for 6 months before I found out the lies. Try not to let it bother you too much

I just woke up to something that made me smile. Had a date few weeks back, not managed to fit in 2nd one yet. Not my type at all (not a pretty boy) but there is something about him. I have laid it on thick how much I dislike cock shots and sexting and he has been highly respectful of that so far.... apart from the text at 3am telling me he is at a work function, very drunk and wishing I was there. Have to say, it made me smile - won't tell him that of course

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 07:08:36

Hello smile

Sponge I too am v sorry about the Scot being so rubbish. I think some men must believe that women are stupid. Or more likely they are stupid.

My date may not quite have been up to lubey's amazing standards but was good grin. And there is definitely going to be a third date. Got back rather too late last night and getting up is proving quite tricky <inserts matchsticks with which to prop eyes open>.

lubeybooby Fri 27-Apr-12 07:56:10

Morning all

Tollysfolly yes two have that I know of, Littlehouse and Zany

Hey Miranda, glad your date was good grin - what number date is it? Remember my epic and wonderful one was date 4 so give it time if it's earlier than that wink

MsCello, awwww that's nice grin

I am smugly still in bed, but my little one had me up most the night and now I have to get up. No dating news yet.

Snapespeare Fri 27-Apr-12 08:48:03

sponge and notsure really sorry you're feeling so low. sad The best advice I can give (and i know you didn't asl...) is to view life as a roller coaster. it does have ups and downs, but when you're at the bottom of a curve, there will be an up, it just means that your train thingy is a bit stuck. Look after yourselves.

Miranda glad it was a good one!

ahw at all the happy loved up folks. smile

huge long metaphorical knife in the testicles of the fucking fucks.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 09:12:16

It's perfectly possible that I have inadvertently shagged quite a few married men, the fling just didnt last long enough for me to find out blush
que sera and all that..
just gotta grit yer teeth and put shit behind yougrin
there will be sunny skies againsmile

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 10:14:08

Ha, ha Watch about the boat. I have sailed a few times and used to waterski, which is now virtually impossible to do locally. That's about the extent of my experience. I'm more of a fairweather sailor but it's been a while since I was in with the boat set.

When did this thread start? A couple of people are in serious relationships and some have found regular ones.

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 10:19:54

Afaik, my one and only mm left to be with me blush but we did stay together for a good few years.

Probably best to check them out as thoroughly as possible before anything happens, unless you are not going to be bothered afterwards.

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 10:26:21

Thinking about it it is possible that I have been duped once or twice in the dim and distance past but I never found out either way.

Must do something more constructive on this day off and not talk to myself on the internet. grin

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 10:37:44

check them out for marital status??
I guess if you're after somat serious..but really for casual fun?
Phew it's enough bloody work finding someone i fancy and feel comfortable/safe with..i cant be arsed doing double duty as a bleedin' detective grin

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 10:38:27

tollys - im not sure, there have maybe been two. essentially online dating is an utterly rubbish way of finding a relationship, but i dont think that any other avenues are all that good once you are past your 20's either. Its just difficult to meet people and people have very busy lifes... so, yeah. it is what it is i supose... and it can be fun. or awful.

Sponge sad look my lovely, you will be fine. I know you have a weekend to yourself, and if i didnt have my dd i would have invited you over... can you either grab a friend to sit in, in pjs, eat waffles and ice cream and drink wine? Or go do something just for you, sod work, sod shit bag men.

I think probably at some point all of us might have shagged someone married, or at least in a relationship, but that with normal ' meet someone in a pub' type things too, it happens, men are rubbish... dont beat yourself up.

adams, i found the boat man funny. I can sail and am quite experienced, though of course he might have a rowing boat.. which is ok, because i can also row.. Ive spent many summers also going up and down the broads on cruisers, mooring up and popping into pubs for balmy evenings.. i like boats smile hes 41 though, and it looks like an old pic, so im not going to agree to a date, even though hes asked.
After declaring yesterday there was noone on pof or okcupid, ive now found two possibilities, that im chatting to, and we shall see smile

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 10:39:40

oh sorry - three, ones been back in contact from a while ago, he works local to where i work, so might do a coffee or somethign one lunch break.

and ive decided about the one pestering me for sex, as much as my body tells me to go for it, im just not feeling it, so hes blocked and deleted... smile

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 10:46:00

grin Talking to yourself can be when you get the most sensible replies to your questions wink

Miranda glad it went well.

sponge and not sure, hope you are feeling better this morning.

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 10:52:01

See Watch, what a difference a day makes in the world of internet dating. Sponge take heart.

Loves, I don't think you can ever be sure when you first meet someone. Ask for a home number and ring them, facebook, go to their house. Not practical if you are just wanting a hook up but in that case you shouldn't be bothered about their status smile.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 10:56:18

Hey everyone smile

watch, I love your post about boats and sailing. It sounds idyllic smile Am also loving that you blocked the sex pest grin

Sponge I agree with watch. If it were me I would call at the supermarket for pear cider, pizza, crisps and chocolate and spend the whole weekend locked in my house, in bed with the electric blanket on, watching crap tv and stuffing my face. Perfect weekend! grin

Miranda pleased to hear your date went well, it's all sounding good.

Definitely an increase in messages with new profile. Chatting to a guy last night but he's a bit too keen, bit OTT. Obviously gagging for it grin Am looking forward to seeing what the weekend brings.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 10:59:20

So, it's ok to shag a married man if you are just wanting sex and not a relationship? Is that what you mean? Is it really ok? confused

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 11:00:29

adams i guess facebook would be one of the best ways...except i dont use itgrin

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 11:02:06

i'd not knowlngly shag a married man..but i dont think it's my responsibility to research him first!

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:02:47

it was, i was very lucky, more so as they werent plastic boats, but lovely old wooden ones.. beautiful. You never realise at the time how lucky you are really, same with the riding school and farm.

And that sounds like a fab weekend, im planning on doing something similar with DD, some kind of baking, cooking, homely weekend with tents made of blankets and lego houses smile Its been a while since we have done that, so we are both looking forward to it.

Sound slike the new profile is working wonders, does the ott one have potential?

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:04:11

i dont tihnk its ok to shag a married man if i was just wanting sex, in fact i think thats deplorable behaviour. I would not knowingly get involved with someone in a serious relationship either.

Morning all,

sponge Sorry to hear you are feeling so shite today. I totally understand why, but just keep trying to remind yourself that he is a fuckwit. Not that that helps much of course, so if you want to spend a few days sulking then go for it-you are allowed to feel like crap sometimes.

Well, after a week on Lovestruck I can confidently confirm that is is rubbish. Not a single message from anyone that I am interested in. Also quite a few from guys clearly looking for nowt but a shag. Also, when I've searched for people I've hardly found any I think are vaguely attractive. So there's £37 down the drain-grrrrr.

Well I met a GORGEOUS man a few days ago. I've being filming a Japanese Beer commercial and he was one of the other extras Supporting Artists. Only trouble was he clearly didn't fancy me sad. Why does that ALWAYS happen? I was hanging around with him and 2 other guys, and they other 2 clearly liked me (not being big headed BTW, I'm no super model but you can just tell these things) Life is so unfair. I got his phone number, and I've been staring at it constantly a little bit feeling simply OUTRAGED that he didn't find me attractive.

I may have to write a letter to God or something complaining about the hand of fate he has dealt me at present. I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to some sort of refund.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:08:55

milk - its some kind of unwritten rule, the ones you like will never like you. the dross will chase after you like some kind of puppy.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:09:32

and not just you, i meant you generically, all of us. me included. i got asked for a second date by a ginger mullet....!!!!!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:11:43

Riding school and farm!! Gosh, you lucky, lucky girl!

I'm taking DD to the hairdressers tomorrow! Treating her to a Little Miss experience, wash, cut and blow dry, she is very excited, as am I smile. Then I'm cooking a full roast dinner on Sunday. I love my weekends with DD!

No real potential in the OTT one, no. I only replied because I was bored and he is full of the 'you are beautiful' and 'can't believe I'm chatting to someone so beautiful' and 'Goodnight my beautiful lady, email me when you are next online and we can get to know each other better'. Far far far too much!!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:13:56

I agree re the married man watch it's not something I would ever contemplate or could ever do, but I thought I had better check to see if I was being a prude grin

Milk he is probably gay. That's the only plausible reason why he didn't fancy you grin

watch The thing is one of the other guys wasn't dross. He was utterly awesome personality wise. I just didn't find him attractive enough physically.

Trouble is I fancy Mr Open Relationship soooo much, that it will take someone who makes me weak at the knees to drag me away distract me from him. I know this, so there seems no point trying to date people I don't totally lust after. Somebody will just end up really hurt, and I don't like upsetting people.

Oh and nowt wrong with gingers! I love a ginger megrin A mullet may be pushing it somewhat though. Unless you actually are in a Def Leppard tribute band. I get what you are saying though. One of the other women yesterday was also saying how it's always the guys she doesn't like who fancy her. Why is that? Mother nature is not doing her job properly if you ask me.

Time He wasn't gay. He was even (half jokingly I think) saying he's been trying to chat up women who don't speak English as a first language recently. He though he might have more chance with them if they didn't really know what he was saying.

I was just sitting there thinking "What? Please go out with me instead then you blind fecking fool. I'm practically getting naked for you here"

Snapespeare Fri 27-Apr-12 11:19:41

milk how did you get his phone number? if he gave it to you, then he is interested. phone him! phone him!

re: married men. ex was married when we met, so was I. We were very young (like thats an excuse) there were no children from our previous relationships, so it was kind of fair game. monkey and branch theory. That said, I wouldn't do it now. I wouldn't shag someone in a LTR/marriage, especially where there are childrren involved. I'm not interested in putting my requirements above those of a potential shag partners family. the excuses and lies that facilitate that kind of relationship don't interest me.

When I was young I had no idea of the hurt that someone fucking my partner (and my partner cheating on me) would cause. Now that I've experienced the shoe on the other foot, when the OW shagged my then-DP (not putting the onus of blame solely on her, he was equally complicit...) I would never get involved with someone in a relationship, especially when they have children.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:19:52

haha ' unless you are actually in a def leppard band' yeah - he wasnt.
I dont know, i know what its like when you are measuring men aganist somone whos special - honestly, ive been there, it just takes time.... i dont measure them now and havent for a long long time... but maybe someone will come along and knock your socks off, you know?

time - oh no, that is freaky, i hate that...

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:21:52

milk - he gave you his number, then call him!!!!!!! men are just blind, or stupid. or both smile

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 11:23:06

these things are not black and white, lots of people do get involved whis'lst still attached & they are not necessarily deplorable

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:25:30

Milk Are you sure that he isn't interested in you because from you have just posted, he is! I think he is hinting big time and is waiting for some sort of signal from you that you are interested in him. Maybe, because you do fancy him, you are giving off an air that you don't? Miss Cool! grin I agree with Snape, you should phone him.

Watch, yes, it is freaky, I can see him joining my very long block list.

I wouldn't shag a married man. I'm no one's second best! wink

I would shag q married man, so long as he was married to me but other than that no. Seperated and divorcing does not count as married though does it?

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:28:56

loves I think if someone who is married sets out to have an affair rather than end their marriage, they are deplorable. Just my opinion.

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 11:29:32

A friend of mine once had a theory that we behave un-naturally with men we fancy and that's why they don't fall at our feet. We are more ourselves with ones we don't and therefore more alluring.

Take for instance you meet one of your mates boyfriends. You don't fancy him but get to know him because it's polite to. How many times have you thought, god I can see what she sees in him. It's because he's off limits as a potential mate and therefore you act naturally with him and get to know the person. Something like this.

I wouldn't want to go with a mm either but then I avoid casual sex nowadays, so would need to be a few dates in and plenty of time to suss him out.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:33:10

Yes, I agree with your friends theory adams.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:36:08

im afraid i think that too. if hes married and is purposly conducting affairs then he is a shit. Its not a grey area, especially if there are children involved.

If the marriage isnt working out then it should be ended.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:39:13

Absolutely Watch. Having an affair could be considered the easy option. Seeing another person makes living at home more bearable, it brings a diversion and some relief from the problems, without having to 'lose everything'. But it's not right.

adams I think that is definitely true. I was actually thinking that yesterday. The guy I didn't fancy I didn't feel self concious just going up to and talking with etc. Yet the guy I did fancy I felt really awkward around (even though I was trying not to show it)

Oh, and he gave me his number because I asked for it grin It means nothing though sadly. People go to these things for networking, and it's totally acceptable to ask for numbers. Nobody is going to say no. He didn't ask for mine sad Whereas the other guy did (of course!) I asked them both at the same time in a highly casual fashion, just so Mr Gorgeous didn't realise I was actually proposing to him.

Totally out of my league in every way. Probably only dates Brazilian supermodels. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 11:41:17

i really cant see that anything in human life is really black and white...and i'd never presume to know how other people 'should' conduct their lives..

Zanywany Fri 27-Apr-12 11:42:26

Sorry he was such a Fuckmuppet/wankbadger Sponge. I can understand you feeling down but don't blame yourself for not seeing what he was like. The alternative would be to be suspicious of everyone which I personally think will get you no where. Sounds pretty shitty at work too. Is there anything else you can do this weekend?

When is the next date Lubey?

btw I haven't had a proposal yet, just get the feeling that it will be soon! Arggghghhh

Oh, and I'm with the majority on the married man thing.

If you aren't happy with your marriage or relationship then end it. Don't go f**king around behind the other persons back, until you find somebody to trade them in for.

It is the lowest of low behaviour.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 11:44:15

its not. At all. Full stop. Its not even indicitave of marriage problems, my arsehole ex husband started the first of his many affairs a month after we got married.. which was so very nice of him.
I could never ever inflict that sick to the pit of your stomach feeling, when a wife finds out, usually by a text or email. i dont ever want to be part of someones world being ripped out from under their feet.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:48:00

Totally agree watch. And Milk

Some things are black and white in the mind of some people. And all that pain and hurt, lifelong pain and hurt, caused just for the sake of what amounts to a shag and an ego stroke.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 11:49:42

sure but is it rational to extrapolate from your own experience and apply that to everyone else?
Surely you're not really a moral absolutist??

As to being second best, even as my ex's wife I was, he would rather cheat, watch porn or phone chat lines than be with me, yet I have been told by jf that I was great. So how does that work?

My marriage is in the process of a divorce and I never cheated despite getting offers.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:56:19

I will never agree or accept that it's fine to cause pain to another person just to relieve a pain or frustration. By having an affair you are running away from the real issue, avoiding causing yourself any discomfort, pain and/or unpleasantness and are happy to take the risk that your wife/husband be caused those things instead. What is wrong with taking responsibility for yourself and acting responsibility. Damage limitation. Walk away from the unhappiness rather than spread it.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 11:59:11

I will not willingly put myself in position of second best. Which by having an affair with a married man I would be doing. The wife also would be second best. The person in priority position would be the deceiver. You were put in the position of second best by the actions of your ex MLM, you didn't willingly put yourself there.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:01:14

time i agree with your conclusion but it does not follow from your premise.
Your argument is invalid since it rests on assumptions which may or may not apply in indivudual cases

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 12:02:30

Agree with everything Time has said wrt mm.

I also agree that we act more naturally around men we don't fancy.

Have to go out now so will see you later.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:02:58

really thats just a load of old cliches and psycho babble..

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 12:03:16

Walking away from a marriage with or without a third party involved would cause pain, presuming the one left actually loved their spouse. It's not always black and white, I agree with that. I don't think the presence or known presence of a third party makes it more painful when a marriage breaks down.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:08:59

Well, as we only know how we feel or would feel we cannot speak for others so we don't really know whether the pain caused by infidelity is a greater or lesser pain caused by a 'straightforward' marriage break down. What I do know is that I would never willingly enable a man to deceive his wife and be a party to whatever degree of pain she would feel if she found out.

Snapespeare Fri 27-Apr-12 12:13:51

actually, in my experience it did. I could cope with him not loving me anymore or wanting the relationship to end, teh fact that he got a bj off of a woman at his best friends engagement party, while I was home looking after our three children, the youngest of which was 9 months old and then entered a relationship with her, both of them having the knowledge that the children and I existed...and she was younger and thinner and dumber than me.

and he swanned off to play happy families with the third party, taking our children out for the day, while I sat in my shitty little flat and cried.

(I'm not as bitter as this anymore incidentally, I was absolutely furious at the time that somoen who professed to love me would have the fucking temerity to treat me so shoddily.)

so, yes. it's worse when there is a third party involved.

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 12:17:42

It's a tricky one. Has he left because he fell in love with someone and would he leave anyway even if he hadn't met that person, or has his meeting this person caused him to leave. I honestly don't think a man would be open to an affair unless the marriage wasn't working. There are still lots of very happily married people who wouldn't look outside a marriage.

Of course there are lots of shits on the internet looking for a shag behind their partners backs.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:17:53

And I can absolutely believe that Snape.

It hurts still to think he did that and I still have questions, but I stayed yep stupid foolish me, the abuse got worse until I did leave.

Some marriages end well, 2 people grow apart but they end up best friends. I have read about it, neither is upset, sad maybe that it didn't work, but not like those who have been cheated on, I felt furious (i didn't find out for over 2 years) and all I could do was curl up and cry (no miracle at the time) but I have self healed with some help.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:19:26

I just think relationships are complex, confusing, painful and a massive drain on your resource's...and thats the good ones confused

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:20:59

Exactly my point adams, men look outside the marriage for 'relief' when the marriage isn't working. If it's so bad why not look up a counsellor instead of looking for another woman to soothe his soul? He's not making any effort ot solve the marital problems is he? He is looking to make himself feel happier, with no thought of the consequences to his wife or family.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:22:25

They are complex loves but they don't have to be quite so complex and painful, deceit is one of those things that adds to the complexity.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:22:48

adams, yes, I think the internet has increased cheating, and the more it happens the more people who might be tempted come to see it as the norm.

I'm not denying cheating causes alot of pain...but it's always happened to probably the roots of it are in some sense integral to the human condition.

Perhaps in the future relationships will be more open and fluid and people will be ok with that because it will be normal and society will be structured in such a way as to accommodate that?

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 12:24:10

But Snape, had he left before he started receiving BJ's from friends you would have still been left crying and wondering why he left. That way you knew why. I don't mean to lessen the hurt you felt but it will always be there if they move on 6 months later or leave for someone. I must have felt worse because 2 people you knew deceived you. This isn't always the case.

Any marriage breakdown is heart breaking, messy and just crap.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:26:00

I suspect that relationships are complex and painful largely because people are complex and in pain!

MsCellophane Fri 27-Apr-12 12:28:41

I've slept with two married men (that I know of)

One was a full relationship and I found out 6 months into it. I did stay with him for two more months as he spun me the 'I'm leaving her' line but after the two months of no obvious leaving - always an excuse why he couldn't - I did end the relationship

The second one I did knowingly, he is one of my best friends and we live at other ends of the country. I know his wife quite well and I know for a fact they don't have a sexlife and haven't since youngest was born (she's 11), wife has told me she will never have sex with him again as she has no libido and knows he gets sex elsewhere. I love him dearly as a friend and we had had our friendship for 8 years when we had sex. It hasn't been repeated as we live so far away but if we get another weekend together, I can't say it wouldn't happen again.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters - the ones that shag around because they can (my first one) and people in sexless marriages who are unhappy but either feel they can't leave or don't want to due to finances and children

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:29:55

Yes loves I do agree with you there. SolidGoldBrass makes perfect sense in her posts on the subject.

Adams I think we have to respect how deeply her partners infidelity hurt her and not question or deviate from it. I wouldn't appreciate it, my pain is my pain, felt by me and not up for debate. I appreciate you don't mean to lessen Snapes hurt but, with respect, it is coming across that way.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:31:34

I think most of us are too fucked up, too naive, too lacking in insight and often just too dumb to have good, easy relationships

( am of course extrapolating from my own, sorry experiences grin )

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:31:58

There may be different reasons for cheating MrsC but cheating is cheating. Innit grin

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:35:47

I dunno loves, I think when you are in a relationship there are so many pressures, expectations, standards, etc, there's such a lot to maintain. It's bloody hard work. And that's not including having kids, mortgages, debts, housework, blah blah blah. What starts of f as fun and lovely, just becomes a chore. Then resentment creeps in, boredom perhaps, routine too.. And all of that is why I do NOT want a 'relationship'. I want the fun stuff but none of the crap stuff grin

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:36:01

Mrs C, the mis matched libido thing is very tricky tho.
Who here would be ok with a partner who said no more sex ever...what would you do??

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:36:55

Maybe, just maybe, it's relationships that fuck us up!! grin

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:38:27

damn sure they have a big hand in it!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:42:09

You decide what your priorities are loves, you weigh up whether or not the good in the relationship outweighs not ever having sex again. If you come to the conclusion that you can't live without sex then you sit down like the mature adult that you are and you talk to your partner and you explain that although you love them you can't live without sex. If your partner allows you could agree an open relationship, if not then you split. You give your partner a choice in the outcome of the relationship that involves them too.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:43:15

Me too!! Marriage/living together has a lot to answer for. grin

And there is Zany, awaiting a proposal grin

PoppaRob Fri 27-Apr-12 12:51:17

The pity of it all is that the gut-wrenching feeling of utter despair and hopelessness we feel when we realise that our partner had not felt the same depth of love we did for them leaves scars, and as much as we all say we've gotten over our emotional baggage the experience makes us see subsequent partners or potential partners not only as a potential life partner worthy of our love, trust and respect but also as the next in line to rip our heart out and tear us apart.

On an episode of Boston Legal Allan Shore asked Denny Crane how he could still believe in the concept of 'The One' after being married five or six times, Denny said "It's the only belief that really matters." It's a nice sentiment but I think our frame of reference for love changes as we progress through life and relationships. To keep on with the cliches, in each new relationship we spend more time looking over our shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or even just seeing the glass half empty when it's really half full.

And that's as deep as I get at 9:20pm alone (again) on a Friday night when I need a shower and my wonderful gorgeous loveable daughter bought herself a new electric wok and gave me the old one... so a chicken stir fry needs to be assembled post haste to test this new appliance! :-)

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 12:51:33

of course that is the logical answer time but I suspect that in real life most couples with uneven sex drives stumble along and dont really resolve things

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 12:57:51

Stumbling along is fine though loves as long as they are happy (or miserable) to do so. And yes, it is the logical answer to discuss the problem and come to a resolution that suits both parties. It's when one party makes what could be considered a selfish decision, that the complexity arises.

Snapespeare Fri 27-Apr-12 12:58:27

would I prefer 'i'm sorry, this isn't working, i just don't love you anymore' to 'I've met someone else' ? yes. absolutely. The fact that I am being 'replaced', that every time we had sex since he started seeing her, he put my sexual health at risk, that he wasn't there for me and our children because he was shagging around. yes. absolutely. (this is all largely hypothetical now, It was a very very long time ago...)

I am a jealous god.

(this thread will last a week as well i guess, before we're onto 14....) smile

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 12:58:41

oh no, i feel for a fact its worse when a third party is involved. If the marriage had just gone stale and mutually ended it would be hurtful, yes. but not so gutwrenchingly sickening.
I am not bitter about it now, my ex husband was one who cheated because he could. and wanted to. it was no refection on his marriage, only his need to chase women who werent his wife. But that second when you find a text, or a pitcure, or an email, or someone tells you, and literally your whole life and what you thought you had is turned on its head, fuck no, i would not do that to anyone. i wouldnt be part of it, knowingly.
I wouldnt be part of ruining childrens lives, breaking up their families, i wouldnt be part of making the wife feel a failure, feel like shes worthless and not good enough. Wouldnt be part of making another woman sit, trying to internet date and work, and build her confidence that her husband smashed. fuck no.

and yes, while some cheaters may cheat becuse there are problems in a marriage, and some cheat because they just can. they are married, they took vows, they promised things to each other. they should have the damn respect to sort that issue or deal with that first before sticking their cocks into other womens orfices.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:04:39

I wouldn't say that was jealousy Snape, I would say that is your self respect making a stand. You had every right to feel those things. Your ex made a decision which took away your choices.

watch, totally agree. It does seem that cheating on a partner is far easier than than talking about feelings and problems for some. Very sad.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:06:18

In fact, I used to say to my ex, 'if you meet someone else, tell me before you sleep with her, that I could accept and deal with, an affair I wouldn't.' I'm just too bloody reasonable for my own good I am grin

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 13:06:50

very true Poppa!

suspect we tend to have too much invested in relationships, we go along with the fantasy of romantic love, expect our partner to fix us and complete us, thus giving them the power to break and fragment us.

I see marriage as an economic arrangement which is convenient for the purposes of raising children

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:11:28

I never expected my partner to fix me or complete me. I did however expect him to have respect for me, especially as he claimed to love me.

I must add being cheated on destroys a lot of your self esteem, self worth and confidence. If it doesn't work or they fall on love with someone else its easier.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:16:20

loves - no, i dont think thats the case, i dont expect any partner to ' fix me' what i do expect, if my partner has married me and said the vows to love, honour and cherish, forsaking all others, that he fucking sticks to them.

My husband started cheating 4 weeks after we got married. When i married him we had never lived together. I gave up my home town, family, friends, job and moved in with him in a new area. We were making a house, shagging 5 -6 times a day, i was cooking, cleaning, being all wifey while working a full time job, and while i was doing this, do you know what he was doing@ shagging the local bike who was known in the village as ' pat butcher' for obvious reasons. His cheating continued, each tour, while i was keeping the home fires burning so to speak he was internet dating from iraw, shagging female soldiers, paying for prostitues in kenya, getting girls to send him nude pictures from the uk. And then there were the affairs on top of all that... the affairs when i was preganant with out planned child, or when he got R&R from afgan and rather than see his baby daughter, and wife, he told us he hadnt got r&R and actually he stayed in brize norton with a prositiue before returing to war. or when, finally after splittiing up, he convinced me to go back, so yet again, after spending 2 years starting my life from scratch, i gave it all up to be with him, and literally 5 weeks after doing so he started an affair with a teenager who he was meant to be ' looking after' at army cadets.
And im sorry, but this is not a rare occurance, i have unfortunatley known too many men who have behaved in this manner, its not a sign the marriage is on the rocks and its not less painful if the marriage ends without a third party. its just not. And while i have got over it, as people do, without a doubt there are massive great scars and many that will not be healed because my trust was stolen by a man unable to keep it in his pants.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 13:16:31

Bugger, typed a great long message with bits for everyone & got that stupid validation message & lost the lot!!

sponge - the absolute turd, the scumbag, the shitty scrote - how bloody dare he. Huge hugs to you.

Miranda - glad your date went well. Is there another one in the offing? Do you really like / fancy him?

Waves to everyone else & stomps foot at wasted effort of long message encompassing so many that I can't face retyping again!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:19:13

Post would the back button help retrieve it? The back button has been my saviour with my 'lost' posts smile

hatesponge Fri 27-Apr-12 13:19:25

Well, I am ok. Sad, but ok. I had a long chat to a friend last night which helped- as did all your kind words. I don't think there was any way I could have foressen it. Just one of the perils of dating. I'm not going to think too much about it or analyse why he behaved as he did.

It also helped that he was too short, and not clever enough for me (no man I meet is other than the Barbour hmm)

I have got one or maybe even 2 dates for the weekend but I might not bother...they're both a bit young and stupid, and I think this week I've probably had enough of idiots to last me a lifetime. Have lots to do at home, including trying desperately to find a new job to get me out of this hellhole; work is continuing on a downward spiral.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:20:43

watch shock just shock

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 13:20:57

that is an ASTOUNDING amount of cheating watch shock
surely he was a statistical outlier in the cheating stakes??
I mean how many men, given the opportunity would cheat to that degree?

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:21:03

loves and adams, - if you ever read any of the threads on the board dealing with the fall out when a woman finds out her husband is cheating, i very much doubt you would be so blass about the whole thing.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:23:37

Sponge if the end of his willy didn't show beneath the hem of his kilt he certainly is not worth your thoughts!

You can do so much better!

The dates might be a bit of light relief for you? Give you a chance to get dressed up and flash that smile of yours, take your mind off your crap week? smile

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:23:39

loves, no, he wasnt. i know lots of men, i spent 13 years sourrounded by them. it was not uncommon and he was one of the lesser ones.

so forgive me, but your ' it doesnt hurt less when therer is a 3rd party, or there is something wrong in the marriage bullshit' falls on deaf ears.

I have seen too many women, far fucking too many ( and not just friends) totally lose their homes, lifes, friends, family, and marriages over men who cheat. i refuse point blank to be part of it, and im as far as i can see, there is no grey area.

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 13:27:03

your ' it doesnt hurt less when therer is a 3rd party, or there is something wrong in the marriage bullshit' falls on deaf ears
that wasnt my 'bullshit' wink

I just said that nothing is black and white, it just seems that way to you because of your personal experience, I have no experience of extreme cheating like that

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:27:17

Just as you did watch, you lost everything, your whole life changed because The Ex chose to be unfaithful. He had a choice, you and your DD weren't given a choice.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:29:48

Maybe it seems that way to youloves because of your personal experience??

hatesponge Fri 27-Apr-12 13:31:28

Time no chance of that, it was more girth than length!

I'm undecided about the dates. Will give it some thought tonight. One of them is quite funny but a complete idiot though, in his 20, still lives at home (for which he apologises in his profile!)and is banned from driving hmm(ditto). He thinks I'm cute - which is not a word I've had used to describe me since 1975 grin I might go...but I might not.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:31:36

and that isnt even all the cheating... there was lots more.

I think one of the worst things i witnessed, was when an aquantinces husband was out in iraq. They had only recently ( last 3 months) got married, he was all over her, it was a bit she did the give everything up thing, and she fell pregnant on their honeymood. While she was pregnant, she had complications...which she had to deal with on her own, as he was in iraq. Tony blair announced we were' officially at war' on the thur evening. Our husbands had been out there for months already.. unable to conact them as being the first ones out there comms werent set up. We would go weeks with no conatact before getting a 3 second, middle of the night phone call. The next day the first 4 deaths were announced, noone knew who they were, they could have been our husbands. This poor woman was in hospital having invasive tests, not knowing if her husband had been blown out of the skies. Do you know what he was doing at that time? having an orgy with 3 american women soldiers!!


lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 13:31:55

I doubt we are going to make much progress if we start on the age old philosophical debate about whether morality is relative or absolute.... confused

lovesineffable Fri 27-Apr-12 13:33:45

perhaps the forces self select for sociopathy??

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:34:42

time, exactly, i paid for his infedility. as the majority of wives do, and they children to. He had a choice, i didnt. the situation was forced on me.

Loves - perhaps thats just your experience... mine is different, though sadly not uncommon, as i said, read the relationship board.....

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:35:45

yes, obviusly this country is defended by socipaths.

for goodness sake...!! i think you are just being inflamatory now for the sake of it.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 13:36:03

Sponge might be good for a laugh grin definitely not dating material though!! I'm pleased you can still laugh and I do hope you get the work situation sorted out. You spend far too much time of your life at work to be miserable while there.

I didn't realise we were starting such a debate loves confused

adamschic Fri 27-Apr-12 13:37:15

I have had a marriage break up FYI. I personally would have preferred him to admit he had cheated than lie about it at the time. Because if he had he would have been chucked out pronto, instead he tried to cheat behind my back and lie his way back in at the same time. Anyway it was a long time ago now.

hate There is NO way you could have known he would turn out to be a dickface. Not unless you actually own a working crystal ball.

Go on the dates if you want, but if not then take the weekend off from it all. Personally I find it quite draining being charming to strange men when you are sick of the sight of everything with a penis. I would suggest a night in/out with your girlfriends getting totally pissed slightly merry instead.

The guy from the commercial who I didn't fancy has texted me already. I knew this would happen. It is such a shame as well cos he is an awesome dude. WHY is sexy boy not falling at my feet instead. Oh wait, I know why, it's because I have no luck with men.

Life sucks sometimes. sad

hatesponge Fri 27-Apr-12 13:43:18

Milk my friends are all busy having lives (most inconsiderate of them I feel) this weekend, so it's either a dodgy date or an evening on my own. I like my own company, but weekends when I have no plans end up being basically 48 hours without speaking to anyone, which gets a bit sad sometimes.

sad to re your man. I have no luck either. Men I fancy are invariably wrong for me. Men who are right for me either I don't fancy or on the rare occasion I do, they have no interest in me. Meh.

I seem to not be getting to see just friends this week. Awww, but that might change. Think I was a bit too full on, pouncing, lioness forwards. Yet we are still texting. I am not sure.

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 13:55:12

sponge - do a day time date, so you get out in the afternoon, but are home for the voice and a pizza smile

milk - would you not even join him for a quick drink, or is it a total no go?

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 14:01:51

I am very definitely not into self-help books, but I have a book that I read, re-read & read again & it has, in some ways changed my life (not in the sense of miracles happening, but just how I see things). It is called Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

If you are feeling down & blue it is a great book to read.

sponge I hate it when friends aren't free for helping you drown sorrows on a weekend.

Perhaps go on the dates, but don't expect anything from them? Just view it as a night out in company and nothing more? That's what I try to do. If you were in London I would go out drinking with you. We could get rowdy, and chuck things at mengrin

watch Well he was only texting me about Casting Calls he had seen that I could apply for. Which SEEMS innocent but is totally what I would do if I fancied someone. In fact it IS what I plan to do when something comes up that I think hot guy should apply for shameless I would go out with him as friends, but nothing more. I need more friends in London, and it's all about networking and making contacts after all.

post I love, love, LOVE Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway. I wouldn't have moved to London if it wasn't for that book. I think it's brilliant.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:08:34

Yeah, that's a good idea Sponge a daytime date then an evening in with chocolate, wine and Britain's Got Talent!! We know how to live! grin

watchoutforthatsnail Fri 27-Apr-12 14:13:39

milk - but he might actually be texting about casting calls.. and just being friendly. maybe?

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 14:21:33

Milk - are you going to text him back? Glad you found Feel The Fear good too. I'm always a bit nervous about admitting I read it, as I assume people will think I knit my own pubes in my spare time! but maybe that is just my warped perception of self help book readers

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:24:34

grin at knitting your own pubes! I read that book years ago, when I was searching for answers and help in moving forward. It's a like a fitness book, you can read it but you also have to do the work to get results. I lost my way a bit when with The Ex but I do now enjoy feeling the fear and doing it anyway smile

watch Yeah he probably is just being friendly. I just wish it was Mr Hot Guy being friendly. I'm clearly just greedy.

post Yeah I text him back. I'm going to friend request him on FB and I might friend request My Hot Guy as well. I don't have his surname though so that could be a bit stalkerish? He has an unusual name though so you literally just put it in, and he comes straight up. It's not like I've waded through a 1000 guys called Dave or something.

Fecking hell, I sound about 15 don't I? What has life reduced me too?

I think some self help books are good, and some are not. Feel the Fear is an excellent one though. The author also did the Feel the Fear guide to Everlasting Love which is pretty good. Although some of the advice would be difficult to follow for anyone who isn't an actual saint.

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 14:34:30

Hmmm, I'm not usually a self help book reader myself but that one sounds like something I could do with right now. Being unemployed and overweight doesn't do much for your self confidence.

Snapespeare Fri 27-Apr-12 14:35:11

Low battery. On train. V. Quick.

Sponge daytime dates. Yes. Good. Voice good pizza, wine, sofa good. Good!

Milk. Text him back. Go coffee. Might be a grower (if not a potato)

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 14:37:40

This thread is getting quite deep in the analysing relationships and cheating and what have you.

XH cheated on me - I found out. Tbh our relationship was going down the pan anyway but still hurt like hell. The OW knew he was married and had children. They are still together and although it is still doesn't feel the greatest thing in the world I am more settled into it now if that makes any sense. Actually had lunch with XH today as I was working where he works today and was hungry. Am realising that in some ways am pretty lucky we do have a generally amicable co-parenting and mostly friendly existence.

Will put things about Mr Nice into next post.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:40:23

Chaotic join me in doing yoga and pilates, it's doing an amazing job on the shape! I never knew I could be so bendy! Low carb eating and the weight will fall off!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:41:29

You sound pretty sorted Miranda, that's great smile

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 14:47:53

Time, it's funny but I've got a yogalates dvd that I bought years ago but only ever used twice. I may just dig it out. Wrt to healthy eating I've decided to ease myself in gently by making small changes and learning a few simple but healthy dishes. I'll worry more about low carbs later on once I've made the changes.

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 14:48:15

Had good evening with Mr Nice last night including some amount of snogging and what have you on the sofa grin. Definitely really like him and do fancy him a bit (quite a medium sized bit I think). And it's his birthday on Tuesday and he has the day off so were making plans to meet smile But - there's always a but isn't there?...

He texted earlier on in a not happy frame of mind as his ex now wants the dog back (have met dog and for a not dog person I think dog is rather nice) and also ex seems to have been weeping and wailing to him - he says wanting more money but sounds like she's saying she wants to come back possibly or something. They've been split up a few months although he says marriage been dead for longer. She has now moved a couple of hundred miles away.

Feel not quite up to doing any soothing troubled brows over his ex stuff - did a friendly sounding text but am now starting to wonder if there is likely to be rather more emotional need going on than I am looking to give IYSWIM. Am at a busy time of year for me with work and was slightly wondering if I could fit in another person to the busy ness.

Hmm. Will leave things in his court I think and see what happens (famous last words...)

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 14:49:38

Miranda, definitely more info on Mr Nice!

My ex-H cheated on me too. However, it was having children that shredded us. He couldn't cope with the change in lifestyle from non-stop party animals to parents. That topped with DS's autism just crucified us. He worked away Mon-Fri most weeks & sometimes for longer periods, so it didn't come as a huge surprise to discover he was having an affair. He is also still with the OW (9 years on) & they now have 2 small children of their own. I frequently chuckle when my DCs tell me about all the night time waking, poo & wee accidents & rows! We get on reasonably well though and I'm glad I'm not still with him, two DCs is more than enough to cope with!

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 14:50:01

This doesn't stop me looking at my phone wondering if there will be a text of course.....hmm

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 14:53:10

And a text arrived (does this thread have some magical power? Or is Mr Nice actually on MN confused).

I will wait for a bit and reply (text was rather more about me this time grin)

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:53:29

That's a bit of a turn off Miranda, I wouldn't want to have to listen to his woes of his ex either. He needs to deal with all this separate from you, it's not fair to offload and expect you to understand. I would be asking him if he has the time and emotional energy for a relationship or if he wanted some time out to deal with his problems. That would hopefully make him realise I wouldn't be hanging around while he made up his mind what he wanted.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:54:28


<<waves at Mr Nice, just in case he is reading! Sort out your ex once and for all man!>>

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 14:55:14

Oh x posted Miranda. It seems a bit early in proceedings for him to be sharing his ex trauma stuff with you, particularly as there is bugger all you can do about it. It's always a fine line between offering a sympathetic ear & being the free counsellor!

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 14:58:17

Your ex couldn't cope Post but you had to cope. Imagine what would have happened if you had taken the same stance. sad

PostBellumBugsy Fri 27-Apr-12 15:05:11

I know Time - that was what pissed me off, more than the affair to be honest. We agreed to have kids, in fact he was more enthusiastic than me and then he just found it all too hard & annoying!!!! I should have kicked his arse & the stronger, tougher me would have done - but at the time I just didn't have the energy, so I divorced him instead. grin

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 15:06:51

I suppose he has sent two texts bemoaning (a) dog leaving and (b) ex wanting money etc and rather more texts on a somewhat more basic level of flirtatiousness. Actually on dates his ex didn't get mentioned much at all apart from exsiting IYSWIM.Problem is I know I am sympathetic ear type (being Nice as well grin) but definitely no urge for being a counsellor type. (I go and see my own counsellor on Tuesday afternoons smile)

Am over thinking <slaps self>. I am actually happy to be on my own I have been realising and so really am treating anything happening with any dates as a bonus. Someone please remind me of this if I start appearing to be trying to put in too much emotional work on things grin

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 15:10:33

Mr Nice, the only time you should be offloading about your ex is if you share DC and it's in reference to them.

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 15:14:25

On a separate note house is freezing as battery for the thermostat box on the wall thing (technical term) has run out after threatening to do so for a while. Need to work out how to open it and hope it is a sort i can change easily. Am sitting here in coat (would be better to actually try and open it, but nearly time to get DC from school and more fun being on here tbh grin)

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 15:21:00

Thermostat box thingies have batteries confused

I remember once the HA person coming to do maintenance on the boiler/heating system and later on that evening having to phone them because the heating wasn't working. Turned out the man had turned the thermostat right down and that was why the heating wasn't coming on blush

To return to the thread subject, it sounds as if you're in a good place for dating Miranda.

I will not be falling into love with anyone. Saw an old crush and Fuck he is still gorgeous but obviously nothing sexual there though I soooo would have a month ago and it felt good to be baby girl again. More like me. I get a copy of ny last day at school pics tomorrow. I hope I look as good as I thought I did in that skirt that covered the necessities most the time

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 15:50:12

Continuing on the thermostat theme have now removed the cover part and got into the battery part grin. And is AA batteries it needs. Sadly there are none anywhere. Am wondering if I can summon up the energy to go and buy some...

Thank you Chaotic for saying you think I'm in a good place to do dating - I think I am ready now to give it a go. For me it is good to know that I'm fine on my own and don't need anyone else - and that whatever I do can just be a nice thing rather than something I feel I "have" to do.

I do hope Mr Nice doesn't post on MN. Would have to change my identity I think shock

I hope no one I know in RL reads what I put on here, that could be slightly embarrassing at best. miranda you have one of two choices, but some batteries or listen to your kids all night complaining how cold they are. U know what I'd do.

Does not signing the divorce petition acknowledgement say "i am glad to get rid of you?" My solicitor just told me nothing has been received. Can't wait to be a divorcee at 23, or at the rate its going 24!

PoppaRob Fri 27-Apr-12 16:19:05

Miranda - do you have AA's in any remote controls, kids' toys, your toys wink, torches, radios etc. etc.?

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 16:28:57

PoppaRob I don't have any toys grin. And remote controls have AAA. I agree that there must be some somewhere other than in a quite nearby shop.

Haven't replied to Mr Nice yet <is proud of self for restraint>

Sunshinedelacruz Fri 27-Apr-12 17:20:46

Thank god its Friday. Sorry you had to go through all of that Sponge. Not nice. Nothing for me (whats new). I have changed my profile to hang out on POF and getting no messages. I have had a message from a theatre nurse who wants to be meet and I may give it a go as a) he will have clean hands (maybe) and b)surely to God if he works with the public he must have some social skills??
I broke down in my car on a main road yesterday - alternator. As soon as it ground to a halt I was fretting about the expense as I have been buying things on ebay with some extra money. I got towed to the garage by the nicest man i have met in ages. 57, handsome and married for 40 years. He told me he loves his wife to bits and it made me feel slightly happier to hear that...
Milk - men never seem to ask for my number. I am hopeless at flirting and I think its because I am a fairly intolerant person and I find skittishness hard to do. My friend flirts like mad but she does it in a way so I feel like I am a spare part or gooseberry. Annoying.
I also seem to be unable to manage or tolerate male negativity in the form of a) illness reporting B)ex wife moaning and c)he said/she said stuff if I have just met them. It gives me the vibe they have a underlying negative streak waiting to surface. I have halted many a fledgling relationship by texting "get a grip" for some issue or other.
Bloody weather.

ChaoticAngel Fri 27-Apr-12 17:33:43

Umm...I don't want to put a dampner on things but aren't theatre nurses' patients usually under anaesthetic? grin

<Admits to knowing nothing about theatre nurse job>

Miranda I believe you're in the ideal position for dating because you're happy on your own, which, for me, means that you won't just accept any idiot in order to be in a relationship.

hatesponge Fri 27-Apr-12 17:40:49

I'm still undecided about tomorrow, I'll see how I feel in the morning. I can't bring myself to do an afternoon date, if I'm going to spend any time with a stranger it I need the assistance of alcohol albeit possibly less alcohol than on the last date given how that one turned out and I cant drink during the day <lightweight>

at least its time to leave work now... after the week I've had am VERY glad to be going home!

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 17:55:59

Have put rechargable batteries from Wii remote in the thermostat thing and there is now some heat.

Am tired. Think I am getting too old to stay up late and then get up early <yawn>. Am going to have an Early night and be glad there is no work/school tonorrow.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 18:06:08

PostDivorce. Excellent move! grin

Miranda I had no idea the thermostat wall thingy needed batteries either! This is an educational thread in more ways than one! grin

Sponge grin

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 18:32:01

I think possibly rhe thermostat thing was quite low and so it wasn't so much that it needed batteries to work but more that I couldn't increase the temperature without there being batteries in.

Mr Nice has returned to normal texts now. And without me sending any other ones.he can stay on probation for now I think.

TimeForMeAndDD Fri 27-Apr-12 19:14:04

smile good plan Miranda. I agree with Chaotic, you do sound to be in a good place for dating. And I do hope that Mr Nice continues to be nice and passes his period of probation.

MirandaWest Fri 27-Apr-12 20:14:53

One child in bed smile and one child with XH at a Gamelan concert. One cat on my knee, one bath cooling down to just right rather than scorching hot. Will get in bath soon and then attempt early bedtime smile

One child in bed, one drink about to be got and a film to be put on. Have been texting back and forth at various points during the day.

hatesponge Fri 27-Apr-12 21:33:54

no children (they are with the Evil Ex) though I am thinking of putting myself to bed soon...v tired for some reason.

Plus Barbour has text me tonight and I need to avoid the temptation of texting him back blush

Don't text back, remember the dating thread title "fuck him and his barbour" keep to it.

HidingFromDD Fri 27-Apr-12 23:05:52

sponge - barbour wants a f---buddy. If you're happy with that arrangement then go ahead, but make sure that he knows that's what he is - don't let him call all the shots here. If not, just tell him to 'fuck the fuck off.....'

Am feeling particularly pants tonight. Work is shit, cba to date and mr EUM being very nice and I'm desperately trying not to read too much into it sad

Don't feel pants. Mr EUM is not worth reading into. My just friend has been texting, and I am reading only what is written into them. But what us written is good with me

mummylin Sat 28-Apr-12 00:01:35

I found it !! here you are

mummylin Sat 28-Apr-12 00:02:21

sorry meant to post that on another thread for someone !!

I was on the original dating thread, then I met shrek with a boat who took me to Dubai for our second date. Anyway that was after my experience with Mr Genital Warts and prior to Mr Shaven Shagaholic. Anyway I've been single since January but have a first date tomorrow (Saturday) night. Will keep you posted.

Ooh first dates are exciting. I remember those feelings. But no more first dates for me atm, just seeing what happens with just friends.

Morning all,

charlottesmum That is an impressive collection if nicknames. I don't even think I want to know about Mr Genital Warts shudders

Good luck for the date tonight. Who is he? We need the details.

sponge Any updates on whether you are going to go on any of the dates tonight? I agree that alcohol will definitely be required though. We should start up the anti-coffee date club grin

MLM I think you would be wise not to put all your eggs into one basket. I'm worried you are going to end up hurt by this guy, and you are already vulnerable from all the crap you have been through. Please be careful.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 10:33:22

~~~~~~~ to charlottesmum, don't think I want to hear about MrGW either grin

MLM I agree with Milk, please be careful, we don't want to see you get hurt.

Morning smile

Went to bed early with an headache, took the dog up with me while I read for a bit. Fell asleep and woke up about 2.30am with the dog lieing top to bottom in the middle of the bed and me on the edge hmm

ChaoticismyLife That is the correct place to be when you have dogs isn't it? He couldn't possibly sleep on the floorgrin

I would let me dog sleep in my bed if he wasn't 16 years old, and didn't smell like a dead badger.

No emotional involvement. But I am also not going to sleep about. 1 at a time is more than headache enough. I won't drop all my barriers, cos then I could get hurt. At the moment, some not all are down. My bestie is the only one who gets them all down. But she knows me and now knows everything that happened. She has been my rock and I will always be grateful for that. And worst case scenario I can always call my old mate a up and ask him to cone have a chat, I have known him since I was 3 so pretty much ny whole life.

Just seeing what happens over the next couple of weeks. like before if I get a relationship great, if not friends is good too.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 11:18:54

Milk that is so true grin

She usually has a crate which she sleeps in and has done since she was a puppy but I went up early last night so took her up with me for a bit. When she realised I was awake she came and gave me, what we call in this house, 'Panda kisses' so I said to her beddybyes and she went to the bedroom door wagging her tail. She does seem to like the routine of going into her crate knowing that it's bedtime.

TimeForMeAndDD Sat 28-Apr-12 11:19:25

Chaotic grin I have the same problem with the cat! She likes to sleep as close as possible so I end up moving until I'm on the edge of the bed. Or she sneaks in when I'm laying in the star position, lays between my legs, so I have to stay like that all night as I couldn't possible disturb her. grin

This week I have had a message telling me i look 'just like Kay Burley off the tele'. This morning I have a message telling me 'Wow, you look like Jane MacDonald.' Laugh or cry?? grin

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 11:20:39

Oops, forgot to say I decided on a slight name change blush

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 11:30:34

Time if they'd said much younger version of....might have been acceptable. However, they didn't

Well, I didn't have a headache when I got up but since the cat was yowling at the dog and the dog barked at the cat I've now had to take a couple of paracetamol hmm Pets...who'd have 'em hmm

TimeForMeAndDD Sat 28-Apr-12 11:31:37

grin you are so right Chaotic

Pet's over men any day!

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 11:40:58

Aye, have to admit, overall, they're far less trouble grin

MirandaWest Sat 28-Apr-12 12:25:16

Have been happily texting with Mr Nice. We may be planning a day time date on Tuesday ;)

And Mr Cricket has entered the scene and asked if I'd like to have a drink. Am starting to run out of spare time grin

I knew that feeling. I had 4 dates the same week I moved. But all I done was compare them to just friends and they didn't match up. Despite having good bodies well 2 did, nope not for moi.

Seasidegirly Sat 28-Apr-12 12:43:53

Hi all

Had my first date last night with someone off POF. He travelled nearly 2 hours to come to my town. We got on great but I thought it was gona be just a one off shag thing but when it actually came down to it I couldnt go through with it. He was a total gentleman and was okay to stay in the spare room. Brought me a coffee in bed. I think Ive realised Im used to meeting emotional unavailable men and now Ive met someone whos really interested in me and wants to see me again Im panicing. What the hells wronng with me? confused And more to the point - whats a nice good looking bloke who isnt a fuckwit doing on POF? grin

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 12:45:34

Miranda things are looking up grin

<wonders if the things come in threes applys to men>

Trying to find as someone put it someone "real" and honest. Stop stressing and enjoy him (bot sexually)

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 12:49:49

Nothing is wrong with you, you've just found out your boundaries, that's all smile

Take a deep breath and remind yourself, in the spirit of l'oreal, you're worth it wink If you want to see him again then do and take it slowly. If he's worth it then he'll be happy to take it at the pace you set.

WRT POF, he obviously slipped under their radar grin

MsCellophane Sat 28-Apr-12 13:07:07

Seaside, just take it slow if that's what your mind is telling you, I think we all seem to end up with the same type we always have, maybe now is the time to try a new type. If he's decent, he'll understand

There are a few normal people on POF - looks like you found one, it's like finding the golden ticket

There seems to be an influx of new men on POF, I've had loads of messages the last few days.

One is a highly handsome american - who is a sub - Now, many men have called me bossy, wondering if it's an avenue I should explore

Another has been really funny and I like funny. But he ruined it by sending the cock shot. He was chastised suitably and he hasn't disappeared so will see

And another who seems a bit needy, so I doubt I will bother to meet him

And 4 more, need to start a spreadsheet as I'm getting all their stories confused

adamschic Sat 28-Apr-12 13:19:22

Charlottes mum, good luck for your date tonight. Keep us informed.

Someone mentioned EUM I am quite au fait with them grin. They are available in body but not emotionally. You will be noticed more for your absence than presence so pull away and see what happens. I've told mine that whilst we have a fantastic time together and he is being attentive, I don't want to move in, which I have never wanted and he looked put out, bless. It's a win win situation if you pull away because you also end up becoming somewhat detached so therefore emotionally unavailable too. This is providing the friendship and sex dates are worth it if not then dump, you've lost nothing.

hatesponge Sat 28-Apr-12 13:37:50

Seaside that sounds good, you might have met one of the rare good ones smile

I'm not going out tonight, I woke up feeling horribly fat and unattractive, and really can't be bothered.

But at least I didn't text Barbour back well not yet anyway

Don't text him back. I still have a weirdo texting me for pictures of ny feet, I did tell him to look online, but apparently its mine he has to have. Err no.

And sponge you are NOT fat or unattractive. Give yourself a firm slap out of that attitude (said in the nicest possible way)

hatesponge Sat 28-Apr-12 14:31:52

Got a message on POF from someone who seemed normal.

4 messages in he tells me he's only looking for a fwb and do I want to 'hook up' hmm


POF generally seems full of them. They want a date followed by plenty if sex. And by date they mean half hour of being nice.

Although not all of them are.

hatesponge Sat 28-Apr-12 14:37:54

lol at half an hour of being nice! That's so true though quite depressing.

It's a shame cos he lives 5 minutes from me and he wasn't bad looking, but whilst I wouldn't mind a proper FWB thing, I think really what he wants is a succession of one-night stands. So I won't be messaging him back.

Well some are nicer longer. And stay around. And then there are those who are really nice, stick around and you fancy.

One night stands really are not my thing. I need to know someone to be able to enjoy sleeping with them.

I have just been messaged by this man on Lovestruck:

Definitely a PotatoNO grin

I am not impressed with Lovestruck at all. There are much hotter guys on OKC. Just goes to show, paid sites are not necessarily always better.

Only ever went on free sites. Haven't got money to waste on men! I could buy myself something nice instead. Lol.

That's a very good point MLM I could have bought myself a nice new pair of shoes or some Benefit Make-up with the money I spent on a months subscriptionangry

But hey, I guess you have to try all approaches right? I won't be renewing my profile at the end of the month though, that's for sure.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 16:41:08

I've been on Match and Eharmony in the past. I had very little contact with anyone on Eharmony but the few I did have dates with were okay, there was just no chemistry. On Match I messaged/winked at a few and got replies, again there were only a few dates but they went okay just weren't right for me.

I think Time said that most on Match were also on POF but I didn't find that to be the case for me so maybe it varies from area to area, or maybe the ones in my area were way down on the list and I got depressed about the dross I did see fed up looking before I got to themgrin

Masochist that I am I'm considering opening yet another account on POF I could have my username as the boomerang woman and having another go.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 16:42:33

The link doesn't work for me. It just took me to the login page.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 16:44:21

Re paid sites, I've found that the men are less 'desirable' on paid sites, I have a theory that men who need to pay are less of a catch..iyswim
of course I may be ar$e over t1t with my reverse psychologygrin

I've come across a few sites where it's free for woman and men have to pay

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 16:52:10

sponge ys I think fwb and hook up are 2 different things!
hook up being sporadic random sex, where as fwb is friends who are also intimate, but not exclusive.

Conflating the two is an attempt to slip one by you, or get in by the back door
(no innuendo intended honestly)

he should write an essay detailing EXACTLY what he means when he uses those termsangry

Oops sorry Chaoticism I mustn't have linked it properly.

Just picture a potato basically though, and you are there grin

loves There could be something in what you say actually. I'm getting nothing but messages from undesirables on Lovestruck. The only good looking one I've been messaging is now talking about 'arousing my passion'.

He is 24 years old, I would eat him alive, the silly fool! I get so annoyed at the fact that the guys on these sites seem to think you haven't seen a willie in 10 years, and are gagging for it. If I just wanted a shag I could get one any Friday or Saturday night that I fancied. I'm looking for something more than that ffsangry

Date for tonight just confirmed. I shall call him Mr Runner as he runs marathons. He's 6'2" and looks quite easy on the eye from his photo. Off pof too, so let's see if he's one of those rarities too! Will update later!

Good luck Charlotte Hope you have fun. Let us know what happens.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 17:02:43

milk he hasnt seen a 'ladygarden' for years and is gagging so he assumes all other people on dating sites are the samegrin
Not having the wit to imagine that things are different for women.

All men need to be regularly slapped down, shot down and generally put back in their goddamned places!!

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 17:08:00

I've come across a few sites where it's free for woman and men have to pay

I think they're mainly hook up sites such as BeNaughty.

Just picture a potato basically though, and you are there

That has made me literally lol gringrin

More than likely loves although he is very handsome, so one wonders if he isn't just an overly horny idiot...

Feeling rather meh about everything tonight. Just made the mistake of going on my ex fiancées FB (I de-friended him, but his wall is public) It was his birthday a few weeks ago, and about 80% of the good wishes are from women, and of the 'Happy birthday, beautiful, gorgeous boy' variety <<vom>>

It's made me feel ill. I miss him so much, even though we haven't spoken at all since December.

I need a good DVD, some Ben & Jerry ice cream, and an early night I think.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 17:25:07

bummer, it's so hard to get over someone when they have a public FB thing just tempting you to look at itsad
december isnt long in the grand scheme of things, I mean maybe give yourself a bit more time to put him firmly in the pastsmile

Sounds like us both. Not getting to see just friends this week. Never mind, but need a binge chocolate and a wkd or 10

Loves thq

Made me giggle. A job at the moment.

loves I am normally really good at keeping off peoples FB if I know it is going to upset me. I think I just had a moment of weakness.

My only consolation is that there is nothing on there that looks like a girlfriend posted it. He hasn't even thanked people for their comments. He can be so bloody arrogant!

Forget a few months. It will probably take me until at least June 2013 before I don't want to burst into tears/have a panic attack over it several times a week sad

Just repeat over and over I am better off without him, I am a strong independent woman, I do not need or want him, and I am so worth it.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 17:41:14

'He can be so bloody arrogant!'
keep focusing on his bad points..if you feel the urge to focus on him at all that is!

Perhaps a couple of short term flings with other blokes will help to erase/over write him?

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 17:43:39

yes..look in the mirror and repeat that mantra from mlm 20 times daily (count on your fingers)
think of it as sort of re-setting your subconscious smile

Well I will try. I'm not sure if I am better off without him to be honest though. We both royally fucked things up. I didn't realise how immature I was until I moved down to London, and now its too late to go back home and sort things. He doesn't want me any more.

loves I really don't want a fling to be honest. I'm a really emotional person, and I like to really connect with people. I thought Mr Open Relationship might work in that respect. It didn't. I've just ended up thinking the world of him, and being (quietly) sad about it all.

Never mind though ladies. As you were ahem

You are better off without him. Look to the future, move on with life, you will get over him and fall in love again. That's life you love, lose and learn to love again. some people heal quicker than others. I have done a lot in a short time.

It of course helps if you no longer gave feelings for that person.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 18:15:32

Milk if he no longer wants to have a relationship then it's a non starter, moving on is surely the only thing to do smile

loves I am trying, I really am. I just don't do moving on very well unfortunately sad

Seasidegirly Sat 28-Apr-12 18:52:01

Just a little update from me. I seemed to have listened to my gut instinct better than I thought. He txtd me when he got home. I asked him if he'd had a good night even though he stayed in the spare room. He said 'of course he did and then said 'dont worry about I had a wank in your shower'. Now Im quite open minded and we did do a fair share of sexting but I find this just ewww - as it was my shower. I asked him if he was joking and he said no. And this was before we headed off to the pub. Its just made me feel a bit bleugh to be honest. I dont think I will see him again. Seasidegirly What an absolute tosser (quite literally in this case)

I am speechless. Please don't see him again. The disrespectful, sexually stunted bell end.

What the f**k is wrong with all these men? Seriously, I just despair sometimes. The human race is doomed.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 18:57:31

Milk just go at your own pace, don't rush anything. As for the 'As you were' bit, this thread is here just as much for what you've just posted as it is for reporting on whether or not you have a date or how said date went. We're here to support whomever needs it in what aspect they need it smile

Seaside ewwwww...just ewwwww. Something you really didn't need to know.

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 18:58:44

I agree seaside, I think it's an 'EW' thing to say, as if a wank in the shower was a substitute for sex...or some kind of territory marking thing?? confused

he prob didnt mean it like that...but it's disappointing that he lacked the 'finesse' to realise it wasnt a good thing to say.

Milk, moving on can prob sort of happen in the background while you're getting on with other stuff..erm kinda like you can set your computer to de fragg the disc in the back ground while you're busy with your spreadsheetssmile

hatesponge Sat 28-Apr-12 18:58:49

seaside shock that's a bit icky. Why did he feel the need to volunteer that info? He wouldn't tell you if he'd pooed in your toilet would he?!

lovesineffable Sat 28-Apr-12 19:00:04

he he yeah 'tosser'
and yay! for your gut instincts Seaside grin

hatesponge Sat 28-Apr-12 19:03:44

I went back to the FWB guy and told him he was confusing it with casual sex.

He apologised, few more msgs, can we go for a drink to see if we like each other, but he said its on the basis of just one drink, nothing more, deffo no sex etc.

I said yes ok.

Then he says ok, I'll pop round tonight shall I?

Fuck me, are men that stupid? or women come to that. I said he might be a serial killer, and he's not coming to my house when I don't know him. I will prob now block him. What a twat!

Going for a drink sort it suggests going somewhere, even if its the local mac donalds for a coke! Twat.

seaside yuck yuck yuck, hope you bleached it several times how could he, he should do it in his own shower and not share.

hate Neither is he taking into account the fact that you could be a serial killer wink

But honestly, I might end up headdesking myself to death thinking about it all.

Chaotic Thank you for your kind words. I just feel as if I moan on about a little too frequently sometimes. I don't want to bore people to death.
I like the computer analogy loves To be honest I feel fine sometimes, then I am suddenly gripped with the horror of the fact that I've lost him forever. I don't know how you stop loving someone. I honestly wish I could.

Seaside I would tell that guy that letting you in on his little secret has meant he will have plenty of 'me time' in the shower from now on. Mainly due to the fact that you won't be seeing him again grin

adamschic Sat 28-Apr-12 19:21:23

Seaside, yuck. I wouldn't, personall, put someone up the first time I met them. If someone wants to travel 2 hrs they can find their own accommodations. Best to stay safe next time.

Seasidegirly Sat 28-Apr-12 19:22:44

Well I wouldnt have let him come to my house but I had a bit of disaster. I got home from work and realised the leccy was off and had been all morning. The workmen were outside trying to fix the cables. Id arranged to meet him at 7 in a pub. As I had no leccy I couldnt have a shower or dry my hair etc. He arrived on time and I felt bad I would have to leave him waiting in the pub for a couple of hours so I said he could come to mine. (He was on my fb and we had chatted on the phone a few times). I wish I hadnt. Double bleached the shower as soon as he txtd me it. Just ewwwwwww.

adamschic Sat 28-Apr-12 19:30:56

Main thing is that he wasn't a serial killer and you are safe, grossed out, but safe. It's really hard to tell from virtual contact if these guys are fanciable or not. Even web camming can be deceptive. It's all down to chemistry.

Seaside, that's yuck. I would double bleach too.

Just starting to get ready to go out tonight, fingers crossed theres some lovely men out tonight- but I won't hold my breath. Anyone got dates lined up for the night?

Seasidegirly Sat 28-Apr-12 19:41:29

I agree. He was good looking but there was something missing for me. He was 8 years younger than me and he prooved how immature he was with the wank txt. He was indeed a tosser grin.

I think I still like am older man. Not too much older, but about 5 years ish. They are just more mature. And less fixated on sex, IMO.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 19:58:21

...or even a wanker wink

Sorry, I'll get me coat blushgrin

No stay * chaotic* you make me laugh (promise I don't want you to stay JUST for my amusement)

ChaoticismyLife Sat 28-Apr-12 20:05:14

Glad I make you laugh MLM smile

Talking about laughing there's a thread on AIBU atm about wet patches that made me giggle.

MirandaWest Sat 28-Apr-12 20:31:35

That is urgh seaside - not just the doing of it which is urgh anyway but telling you - why would he think that would be a good idea confused?

MirandaWest Sat 28-Apr-12 20:33:56

Can't decide what to say to Mr Cricket who sounds fairly dull although polite. Plus I really am a little short on child free time in the next week or so. Will tentatively say yes and not give a definite time and date i think.

I overthink too much I know. And you lot get the benefit of my internal thought process (aren't you lucky!)

Just be honest, say you have no free time next week but maybe you could do something the following week.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 28-Apr-12 21:03:33

I overthink things too, Miranda. It took me 4 dates to decide if I wanted anything to happen with Mr Coffee - I kept thinking about all his good points, and then thinking about the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him, and trying to work out if I should continue seeing him.

Maybe see how your next date with Mr Nice goes, and possibly arrange to see Mr Cricket the following week?

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 28-Apr-12 21:06:39

Now that nothing's going to happen with Mr Coffee, I'm back on the dating sites after a 3-month gap. But there are so few men who I'm interested in! I'm trying not to be fussy, but either I'm not attracted to them (this is the case with most of them) or I read their profile and don't think we'd get on, or I like them but from what they say in their profile I can tell they wouldn't be interested in me. I think I'll give up for tonight and try again tomorrow.

MirandaWest Sat 28-Apr-12 21:07:55

Think I'll do that libby - I do have some child free time next week but will probably actually want to be person free grin. Cat is acceptable (just) although she does get locked in the kitchen at night!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 28-Apr-12 21:18:59

I need person-free time too! And definitely dating-free time, as I find dates emotionally exhausting!

Ah, I'd love a cat ... used to have one and am planning to get another after I move house.

I need less free evening time. I get lonely. But don't want loads of different men. Need more female friends.

Back from my date with Mr. Runner and ..... my oh my look at the time! Spent 2 hours in the car park snogging (classy) after we got kicked out of the pub at 11.30. And yes 6 foot 2 and eyes of blue. Really lovely guy, maybe abit too delicate for me (I'm hard), but I think we're a good match. Watch this space..

Well it would be less classy if you spent two hours in the car park doing the unthinkable! I personally have never done that lying little cow well ok not a car park just everywhere but LOL

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 09:47:53

Sounds like a great night charlottesmum. And 6 foot 2 - I'm so jealous! Have you arranged to meet up again?

feedbackforfree Sun 29-Apr-12 10:03:00

Morning All, I dip in and out of these threads and I need some of your lovely advice. I've been internet dating for about 18 months off and on but also have a lovely man lurking in the background who I went to school with. I'm going out with him again next week and we have seen each other off and on since he separated from his wife almost a year ago. In between meet ups, we rarely go a fortnight without some sort of text/email contact - usually initiated by him. I think he likes me and I certainly like him. Some of my concerns about this man have recently gone away so I have no other excuses to push him away.

How can I approach the subject of where this is all going? I'm too old to invest too much emotion in something with no future but whilst this causual approach is going on, I don't seem to want to pursue other opportunities. I've got a very nice doctor that I see from time to time but I am keeping him at arms length at the moment.

Any advice for an emotionally stunted, pertrified middleaged woman that feels she has met her soul mate but gives off the opposite signs?

Thank you.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 10:40:01

Feedback - has anything physical happened with the man you went to school with, or are you just friends?

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 10:41:22

Feedback, I'm not sure if I have anything useful to say but can you just go with the flow and enjoy it for what it is, or do you feel the need to know what his 'intentions' are?
Is it that you feel he is getting more out of the arrangement than you are?

Perhaps, since he seems to be taking a casual approach with you, you could assume thats all he wants and keep your own options open?

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 10:46:56

feedback if this were me I would be perfectly honest with him. I would ask him if he saw us as friends or if he felt there could be something more between us. I would tell him I need clarity as I am actively seeking a relationship and need to know where to where to concentrate my energies, in his direction or in the direction of others. If this is a man who you can see yourself in a relationship with, don't be afraid of speaking frankly with him smile

feedback these girls advice is good. I agree, and if you aren't good with words like me I am pretty crap send a text and find out. Neither of you feel awkward either.

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 12:17:37

Mr Nice has stopped going on about ex wife (good) and I didn't mention anything at all so seems like it was a momentary blip. And if not he can be consigned to history.

We are definitely meeting on Tuesday smile. Am alternating between smilegrinshock and wink. Although main feeling is grin.

Having discussed what we both like we seem to be along the same lines so hopefully not too much of a shock. Or something like that anyway.

Heating seems to have gone wrong. May need to be very active on Tuesday wink

Possible overuse of emoticons there <goes back to helping DS with homework...>

Glad some people are being lucky. Haven't heard from just friends since yesterday. Think I scared him off sad never mind, things could be worse. At least I didn't get too emotionally involved.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 12:27:47

some folk seem not to realise how bad it makes them look...all that slagging off the ex!

I have just unhidden my POF profile and set it to ie, so I'll give it a bit of time and see what lands in my net.
Had a browse through profiles in my area and age range, male and female, a few are intelligent and well written.
Most are just dumb, the standard of literacy is pretty low, and even people with a reasonable command of grammar just spew out vacuous cliches...I actually think the womens profiles are worse blush

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 12:39:56

Yes, it's not good when people slag off their ex, especially in the first few meetings. I had one first date where the man spent half the meal slagging off his ex wife. I assume he wasn't interested in me so thought he might as well take the opportunity to have a good moan. But it was SO unappealing. Surely, however bad your relationship with your ex is, you should know better than to spend a first date moaning about it?

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 12:52:32

Am giving Mr Nice the benefit of the doubt re ex as was two texts and no more. But that is my tolerance level I think.

MLM do you normally hear from him every day? Hopefully he'll be in touch again soon.

adamschic Sun 29-Apr-12 12:55:13

Loves, good luck with the fishing. Nothing wrong with seeking IE if that's what you fancy, I'm sure you will be inundated with offers.

Feedback, I would find out how he feels and what he wants before spilling your emotions to him. Ask him if his feelings are growing and/or is he happy with your current arrangement. Then decide whether you are happy with his answer.

Charlottesmum, are you going to see him again grin.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 12:57:35

Andlibby I dont think it's so much a lack of interest in you...more that he is so consumed with bitterness/bad feeling, so unable to move on and let go that he cant stop himself from steering every conversation back to the subject of how bad his ex was.

He's worn such a deep groove with his endless ruminating that he is almost unable to think any other thoughts.

Plus he lacks the insight and sophistication to realise this just makes him look like a 'bad news person' who attracts other 'bad news' types.

Birds of a feather....

We do normally text everyday, but nothing since lunch time yesterday but he did say he has a really bad chest infection.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 13:02:39

thanks Adams!
got a potato in my net:

oh! another one:

well it sure is making me LOL alot!! grin

Anyone want to watch a fit 19year old shower? Your welcome to him.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 13:05:11

there's one guy who looks fanciable, but his user name is something like 'unlucky'
so umm not much of a positive thinker then confused
has he never heard of 'self fulfilling prophecy' grin

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 13:06:16

will he pay me quite a lot of money to watch him shower, and make it a very quick shower grin

Or 2? Come take them

And anyone who fancies someone 6foot3? I would look too tiny, even in heeks!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 13:22:00

I like tall men, MLM! But it always seems to be the short men who message me...

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 13:35:09

Mr Nice is around 6 foot. Possibly a little more (am 5 foot 4 and so everything over about 5 foot 10 is just "tall")

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 13:37:17

6 foot is perfect. I'm liking the sound of Mr Nice! Hope the date on Tuesday goes well.

Have him, he is quite fit, slightly tanned and erm younger.

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 13:46:05

I mainly attract short men. The Ex was my height, as are most of my other Exs (I'm only 5' 6 so not exactly tall!) for some reason short men like me hmm

I have messaged (tall) men on POF today, which I never have before.

None have replied, needless to say...

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 13:46:27

That should have been 5 men.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 13:50:01

Good luck sponge hope some (or preferably all!) of them reply. I hate it when I send a message and don't hear anything back. I always try to send a reply if I get a message, though it's usually a matter of trying to find a tactful way of saying I'm not attracted to them! Not that I'm getting any messages at all at the moment...

I have closed my oasis window. It was boring me. Boring men and I faced it there is only 1 person I want to talk to

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 14:26:48

Morning...<glances at clock>...oops, afternoon {grin]

Feedback agree with Time

loves do you have usernames as those two links don't work for me.

Miranda things are looking good smile

MLM thanks for the offer but he's a bit too young for me.

Another one here who likes tall men but gets the short ones messaging her.

notsurewhyohwhy Sun 29-Apr-12 14:35:23

hiya, hows it all going?

Just to update, I went on a date with a guy on friday who was very nice but i didnt fancy him, but took him home and slept with him anyway hmm

I arranged a date with mr location for today we were going to meet in central london for drinks etc, but he is very hungover and asked if i would go to his area. he is slighty outside of london so it will be a mission. I feel like saying no but feel bad as i also cancelled our last date. what do you think i should do?

I was hoping he would cancel as me going out means dd will have to stay at my mums and has school tomorrow, so i would rather she stayed at home. but for some reason i feel bad to cancel.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 14:50:48

chaotic it's goonerdik and speedyChris
notsure i say cancel, he has moved the goalposts..why would he want to go on the date if he feels rough?
I think he's trying to get you to do all the running.
Make him come to yousmile

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 14:52:40

)oh and go easy on the 'sympathy shags' dont owe them anythingsmile

notsurewhyohwhy Sun 29-Apr-12 14:53:19

Loves - the thing is last time he came to my area. But he was in the area anyway so it kind of was easy for him! I think it's always going to be a problem with us meeting up as he always wants it to be in his area although I guess info too, but your right he is the one changing the goal posts!

notsurewhyohwhy Sun 29-Apr-12 14:54:32

grin I don't think it was a sympathy shag, I know I dont owe them anything, but I don't know why I tend to just do things like this when I'm drunk blush

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 14:54:38

notsure, don't go. he's got a hangover?! boohoo. If he's well enough to go on a date he's well enough to meet you somewhere convenient to you. If not, then get rid, he is not prepared to make any effort and you can do without that.

I've only had 1 reply. 2 of the others viewed me but didn't reply.

Wondering whether I am not as attractive as I think I am...confused

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 14:55:20

Sorry that's only one reply to the men I messaged earlier...

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 14:56:22

I probably did pick the 5 best looking 30 somethings on POF.

Well 4 plus the one who has replied. Who has already called me 'hun' hmm

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 14:56:47

notsure, is he worth putting yourself out there enough in it for you?
You could always play on his hangover and say you think it'd be best to wait till he's feeling 100%?

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 15:02:21

Agree with loves last post.

I don't know whether POF have changed the goalposts or it's my computer but they're still not coming up doing a name search confused Ah, well, I doubt I'm missing anything. I'm thinking of putting a profile on there anyway so if I do I may just check then, out of curiosity.

adamschic Sun 29-Apr-12 15:22:10

Same here. I haven't got a POF profile so cannot view people, has this always been the case? Feel like making a fake profile just so I can view all these gorgeous men.

Notsure, he sounds lazy, reschedule, it's not convenient for you. Don't put this guy before your DD's interests today. I very rarely drank on a first date. Shuddering at the thought of drunken shags with some of the men I met on first dates grin. I did once because although I hadn't met him he was the ex of a mutual friend and we met within walking distance.

Sponge, one reply is quite good odds. You know what the lookers are like on the sites, they tend to like to do the choosing. So it's not you at all.

My friend on POF decided to reply to a few guys even though she didn't want to engage with them, depending on the original messages. It was hilarious. Guy 'You look lovely' Mate 'Thanks' Guy 'Do you fancy a coffee?' Mate 'No Thanks' grin. I must admit I used to only reply to about 5% of messages, it seemed like a waste of time otherwise.

notsurewhyohwhy Sun 29-Apr-12 16:04:17

I have cancelled and told him we can meet next week sometime!

I always seem to go for drinks on the fist date, but this is the only 1st date that I have slept with someone! He text me yesterday evening but I don't want to see him again, but did reply today! He was a nice guy but not my type!

Why do men on oasis think that hi hottie or it fit is an intelligent start to a conversation which so says I don't just want to sleep with you? Nah.

adamschic Sun 29-Apr-12 16:27:38

MLM, because they cannot be bothered to say much else when they probably don't get much in the way of replies. They also think that 'Hi hottie' is flattering.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 16:36:54

I've registered on POF and put up a profile that probably excludes about 90% of them grin

At least I could see loves links...definite potatomen grin

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 16:38:43

i only reply if someone is speaking my language..and my languages is not txt spk, or pidgin english:0

seriously, if there's so much as a 'u' in place of 'you' it puts me off

I just don't go for the sex crazed ones.......most therefore face immediate exclusion.

PoppaRob Sun 29-Apr-12 16:51:09

How much to include in an initial message is an interesting point. I try to pick a few things from the profile and write at least two paragraphs, but then sometimes I just write a few lines. The success rate is the same. I think if someone sees your photo(s) and profile and likes what they see then they'll either send a message or respond to yours, regardless of what you've written.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 16:52:02

i suspect most of them are really after casual sex (if they can get it) but the 'sex crazed' ones are just too dumb to effect a more sophisticated approach

Most of them are let's face it. I like it when they say I read your profile and I like x too or we both have y in common. But atm not particularly interested.

adamschic Sun 29-Apr-12 17:45:18

Again Poppa you are right. I would reply to 'Hi hun' if he was really fit grin.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 17:45:27

WTAF I have a hole in my window shock I was in the kitchen and heard DD say "What's that?" When I went back into the front room she had to blinds parted and was staring at a round hole with about 3 cracks in it.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 17:46:40

Yes, 'Hi, hun' is just about acceptable if they're drop, dead gorgeous grin

Although they would be told, in due course, not to call me it.

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 17:57:12

I dint like the sound of your window Chaotic shock.

My thermostat is now happy with nice new batteries smile There is heat again.

Have had a message from someone on OKC who wondered if he had seen me on other dating websites and that he wouldn't forget a face. And ended his message with Best Regards. Might reply on the grounds that he used sentences and punctuation and everything. And didn't call me hun grin.

Can't think why I am getting into thus dating thing when I am getting v busy at work at this time of year - do lots of jobs for different places including going down to London for a couple of weeks. I have a spreadsheet to organise myself blushgrin. Not sure I can insert a line for dates as well....

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 18:04:21

No, neither do I but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to report it. Bright side it won't cost me anything.

Miranda you really attracting them atm. Lets hope this is another good one.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 18:08:50




The first...hi good looking do you want to chat with me

The second...Hi hope your enjoying your Sunday and staying dry!!!! lolo

Well my most original of the day was "do u suk dik" spelt like that. I suppose he didn't tiptoe round the subject though. Prick.

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 18:22:47

I rent as well so if thermostat had gone wrong would have reported it. Although with my general worry type brain would have thought it was somehow my fault.....

I rent too. It is one of the plus sides. I don't like being a pain though so try problem solving myself.

Everyone who was out last night was about 12. Grrrr.

For those who have kids, when do you mention it, how much do you say about it? I tend to bring my daughter up in conversation ASAP, but wonder if it might be the wrong way to go about it.

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 19:37:37

I mention the fact I have two DC straight away as they are at the moment at least a lot more important to me than any man and anyone I date needs to know that tbh. Would rather miss out on someone who might be ok but would then turn round and not be able to cope with the fact I have DC.

Will keep them separate from anything I do ie I don't want anyone coming round when they are here, even asleep until there is sonehung more long term going on but I am lucky in that xh has them quite often and appears sympathetic to my current dating status grin. probably makes him feel better about his GF although I think heis also a but genuinely pleased too.

feedbackforfree Sun 29-Apr-12 19:59:58

AndLibbyMakesThree In answer to your question, we have been intimate.

I'm already starting to feel like crap as it will be a big deal if he isn't as much into me as I am into him.

Oh well, I guess there is nothing for it. I'm going to have to broach the subject and see where it goes. Thanks everyone.

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 20:27:31

Feedback you did say, and I quote "emotionally stunted, pertrified middleaged woman that feels she has met her soul mate but gives off the opposite signs?" so maybe you do actually give off the opposite signs and he too is wondering if you have deeper feelings for him. There's not getting away from it, it's time to have The Talk. grin

Good luck and I hope you get the answer you want. And don't forget to report back!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 20:49:59

Feedback, I agree with both of Times replies to you. At least if you talk to him, you'll either find he feels the same, which will be wonderful, or you'll be able to move on and think about seeing other people.

Years ago I was in a similar situation and, after agonising about it for ages, I told the man how I felt. He made it clear he didn't feel the same, and I was mortified. It still makes me feel a bit sad now! But despite that, I'm glad I asked him, as the uncertainty was even worse, and at least then I could start to deal with it.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 29-Apr-12 20:50:58

By the way, does anyone else keep getting messages saying Mumsnet is offline, or is there something wrong with my computer?

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 20:52:14

I'm getting those messages too Libby so no, it's not your computer smile

HurtleTurtle30 Sun 29-Apr-12 20:56:12

Hi all, thought I'd join in, have just started using dating websites again but having no success. Plenty of offers of N.S.A from men at least 6 yrs younger than me, alright if you fancy that but I'm not at the minute. I did just click on someone's links to profiles on pof and I was logged in so one of them just mailed me....oh dear!
I had 1 mail from a guy who explained he was not very bright, what is that about?! I'm losing faith already confused

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 20:57:21

Definitely mumsnet offline.

Just finished stripping all the colour out of my hair and will put a 8 wash temp colour on soon just to even it out as you have to wait a while before putting a permanent one on. I was going with a light chocolate brown but after reading a thread on AIBU I'm so tempted to try a red again. Haven't been red in years.

Got another message on POF from a 25yr old. No idea what he looks like athough he is in good shape wink For anyone who's interested

adamschic Sun 29-Apr-12 20:58:07

Mumsnet goes down regularly.

Men and their feelings, bah! I do think it's similar to the 'should I ask him out ?' scenerio they generally don't hold back when they want to go out with someone and don't hold back with their feelings either. So if you are left wondering, you probably know the answer. Sorry to be the voice of doom. Guess it's like anything, we can only draw on our own experiences. Not everything is black and white.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 20:58:55

Welcome Hurtle that is POF. The weird, the weirder and the weirdest...along with the very occasional wonderful <retains hope that this is true>

louderthanbombs Sun 29-Apr-12 21:09:37

Chaotic, I had a message from the first one you linked to a few weeks ago! One of the most tragic profiles I've read grin

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 21:12:46

Hi Hurtle and welcome to the weirdness that is internet dating grin

Chaotic go for red! Now is the time to be adventurous and bold, go forth with confidence. grin I'm changing my hair too! Appointment booked!!

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 21:16:34

louder I didn't get as far as reading his profile grin

Time I just may do, I am tempted, but it will be a home colourant as I can't afford a hairdresser colour right now.

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 21:18:04

He is indeed in good shape Chaotic. I don't seem to have people like that sending me messages grin

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 21:28:53

Chaotic I've been doing my own for years but I recently started saving for a session at the hairdressers. It's going to be my treat to myself smile I'm going lighter, in an effort to disguise the grey!

louderthanbombs Sun 29-Apr-12 21:28:58

You should have a quick read Chaotic, it really is a shame for him grin

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 21:31:37

Miranda He wants to date, but nothing serious which usually means I want sex. I have to admit it's tempting but he's probably still living with his parents knowing my luck, besides I've said on my profile I don't want a fb or a fwb.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 21:34:54

louder I'm sorry for him that he lost his snake but shudders I keep thinking it's one less on the planet. I hate snakes, am terrified of them. If I ever have a nightmare it has snakes in.

There was someone on Oasis who had his username as Sidewinder and that made me shudder everytime I read it.

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 21:36:39

Time I'm trying to hide the grey too. Honestly, you'd think mother nature would make sure we didn't have so much as a hint of grey until 60 at least angrygrin

MirandaWest Sun 29-Apr-12 21:41:26

I also cover up the grey hairs. Now nave hair with a reddish tint and only occasional grey ones poking through. Am also a dye it at home person.

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 21:43:05

I don't think 'Mother' Nature is female Chaotic, 'she' is far too cruel. I mean, what kind of a 'Mother' allows men to become 'distinguished' as they turn grey and women to become, well, grey! grin

I love this never fails to make me chuckle and also (more importantly) realise that I'm normalsmile

Thanks ladies (and the odd fella)

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 21:46:17

The problem I've started to experience with home dyes is that no matter how light the shade of brunette I go for, it's far too dark for my skin tone when it's first done. By the time it has faded to an acceptable shade and just as I'm looking less like a woman who is trying too hard to cover the grey, the roots are showing and it's time to dye it again. So, I'm going to disguise the greys with highlights, and I'm not brave enough to do that myself at home!!

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 21:55:35

Well, I started the day a darkish brown, used colour stripper and became blond for an hour or so haven't been blond since I was 2. In about 20 mins it should be a light brown, at least for the next few days/a week.

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 29-Apr-12 22:10:17

Those home stripper things scare me. grin

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 22:24:19

They did me the first time I tried one grin Today I've used two because there was a lot of build up on the ends so needed to do them twice. Now I'm a light brown grin

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 22:29:33

I have home stripped, it is a bit alarming!!
every so often I do it, dye my hair red, then decide it doesnt look like me and end up back at dark browngrin worra waste of time!

Just checked the profile of a bloke who messaged me, for ideal first date he's put:
'Meet up somewhere then either outdoor fun or back to yours.'
ever the optimist eh hmm

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 22:32:06

oh no! one of the few who looked ok has just sent another message 'Hi would u like sum sexy fun only' confused

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 22:53:59

Illiterate and after a fb...very appealing, not hmm

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 22:58:16

Illiterate and after a fb...very appealing, not hmm

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 22:58:36

oops, I'm blaming mn grin

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 23:04:34

I've had a message from someone on POF who uses the word misanthropic in his profile.

It is a sad reflection of the levels of literacy (or lack of) on there that I am overwhlmingly impressed by this!

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 23:09:54

it's an uncommon word I agree Sponge! but misanthropist types tend not to be great company surely..I mean a good way of selling yourself it aint confused

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 23:22:10

I think the profile is somewhat tongue in cheek so fits with that.

Mind you, I have replied and he has been online and not replied to me, so maybe he's just like the rest, only with a better vocab grin

Another one is messaging me, but my spidey senses are tingling and I think he isn't single. Have just asked him in the hope he'll be honest, or just disappear. Am probably a bit on my guard with Mr Scot but this one seems cagey about his weekends & stuff which makes me suspicious.

lovesineffable Sun 29-Apr-12 23:25:43

reckon your spidey sense is likely on the money Sponge...I think we start to instinctively recognise certain signs..
no harm in being cautious anywayssmile

ChaoticismyLife Sun 29-Apr-12 23:41:28

Trust your instincts sponge.

After saying earlier in the thread that I'd never seen anyone from Match on POF the first person to contact me on POF was someone from Match hmm

He sent quite a nice message when on Match, telling me a bit about himself etc but when we did the im bit he kept asking 'Was I passionate?', 'Did I like to kiss?' etc so I blocked him on fb and my membership to Match had just ran out so didn't have to worry about him there.

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 23:48:38

He claims to be single and has given me his number.

He is in the Army which explains some of the stuff that seemed odd. However also means he is probably a serial shagger...

hatesponge Sun 29-Apr-12 23:50:12

He has now pissed me off by phoning me.

I hate speaking on the phone especially at nearly midnight.

What is it with men? Jesus, who phones someone they don't know at this time?!!

lovesineffable Mon 30-Apr-12 00:04:08

phoning un announced is not on!!
Perhaps he thought he could talk you into 'phone sex' if he caught you off guard
ewww grin

hatesponge Mon 30-Apr-12 00:09:13

loves I suspect you're right. Or even if he didn't get that far, that hearing my voice would be some sort of wank aid.

I text him back to say it's late I'll speak to him tomorrow, at which he came over all as though I'd kicked his puppy, saying how nice it would have been to talk to me, how he supposed he could wait til tomorrow hmm

At this rate I won't be speaking to him at all.

NO ONE phones me at that hour unless its an emergency or we have said. Admittedly I have been texting at that hour bit only cos we have been talking all evening.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 30-Apr-12 09:22:24

morning all smile

Sponge - hope your weekend wasnt as bad as you thought it might be, glad you resisted the barbour ( because you do deserve better) Be careful with the army one.... not tarring them all with the same brush, but in my 13 years dealing with many, many serviceman, yes, they are all pretty much serial shaggers. Ive only met 3 or something that werent.

mlm - do you think your just friends is distancing himself... it doesnt really sound that he wants to ' see how it goes' being as you havent seen him since you had that talk, and have no plans to see him either. I dont want to you get hurt.

milk - hear anything from the fit one?

lubey - any updates, seen him again?

Im talking to two possible ok ones on pof and okcupid, had a ton of messages over the weekend ( people bored by the rain i think) and they were all rubbish!

Anyways, i have a problem with ykw - can those that know the backstory advise. I dont love him, i dont actually have any feelings at all, im indifferent it seems. yes, i was pleased to talk to him the other week, but that was when i was feeling very low. Anyways, all week hes been texting, calling, msning me, ive taken to lying about where i am, saying im out, or that i didnt get his message. the more i seem to do this, the more desperate for my attention he seems to become. It just makes me feel sad. The latest ploy is he has to come to my town for his work ( funnily this has never happened in the last almost 3 years... and i tried for 2 to get him here) But hes coming and needs my help. Then he admits hes looking for an excuse. Im not excited, i feel like im dreading it. If it had been 9 months ago, i would have jumped at the chance, i would, but now.. i just dont want to. Ive tried telling him i want to leave it and be friends, he seems to just ignore that and do what he wants.... i need to end this in the nicest way possible, i dont want to see him... But i do care, and its just an all round sad situation. hes just too late... had he of been this way in the begining, i would have given him the world, but now, i dont even want to give him 5 mins of my time sad

adamschic Mon 30-Apr-12 09:50:36

Watch, sounds like he wants a bit on the side, and you have said you wouldn't want to be party to this. Can you not just tell him you don't want to see him because he has a gf. I think it's difficult to stay just friends. I have managed it with a few exes but tbh there is still a sexual element to these 'friendships'.

I have to dye my hair regularly nowadays. I find home dyes the same as Time, you can really tell you are just trying to cover greys. I haven't been to the hairdressers for about 3 years, since DD and I discovered 'Celebrity Sissorhands' on Utube, so she does my hair. She goes to the hairdressers mind and has told me to threat myself next time.

ChaoticismyLife Mon 30-Apr-12 09:55:11

watch I'm sorry but I don't think there is a kind way to tell him, I think you're going to have to be blunt about it. You've said he ignores you when you try to tell him you just want to be friends and do what he wants which, when you think about it, is pretty selfish of him really. He doesn't have the right to override your wishes by ignoring them, he doesn't have the right to bulldozer you into a relationship that you don't want. I know you want to let him down gently but in this case I don't think that'll work.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 30-Apr-12 10:06:03

adams - its not sexual at all... Its a platonic friendship, that for lots of reasons, just didnt develop into anything more. I wanted it to be more in the beginning, In the middle we argued about whos fault it was that it didnt happen he lied. i lied... and he wants it to be more now.The timing was all wrong, its not really anyones fault. So its sad.

chaotic - i know. Its hard, i dont want to hurt him, but know im going to have to, and that makes me feel bad. I do care for him, alot, probably always will. He always said he would ' end up' with me. I think he thought id always be there. and i dont know when, but my feelings have changed and now its not what i want. And im pretty sure he knows this, hence the increasingly deperate attempts to get my attention. I just feel sad about it....

Well just friends is back in touch late last night. He has and is poorly. Don't think asking if you can stay the night is distancing yourself though. He basically slept through yesterday. I just plan on seeing what happens.

sponge just a warning but they man who lied to me and turned out to be married was in the army!

PostBellumBugsy Mon 30-Apr-12 10:23:23

Morning all - taken me forever to catch up again!

Seaside - so eeewwwww. I just can't believe anyone would say that - somehow it is almost worse than doing it - even though that is rank too.

Watch - I can pretty much guess the backstory & your reaction says it all. Go with your gut on this one & tell him unless he is free to be with you, not to bother.

Sponge - can't belive that he called you so late at night. Totally out of order.

Miranda - glad you are going to see Mr Nice again! Sounds like you have killed off the whiney texts.

Waves to all other daters.

Very little to report on my own dating situation. Still exchanging great emails with MrMusic - but he still hasn't bloody asked for a date yet. I have my own personal rule not to ever ask for a date because I can't handle rejection. Any top tips for manoeuvring a date into an email, without it seeming like I am asking?

ChaoticismyLife Mon 30-Apr-12 10:27:21

watch you have every right to feel sad. 'What could have been' if he'd been on board at the beginning must be going through your mind. Unfortunately when feelings aren't nurtured they tend to, eventually, die. A bit like any living thing, nuture it and it will blossom, neglect it it will die.

I could be totally wrong here but I do wonder how much he's 'chasing you' is to do with the fact that your feelings have faded. Has he sensed this and is now chasing you to get you back to where you were? It must have done wonders for his ego to know you wanted more. These are just thoughts, you know him, I don't.

watch say what you feel. Say you don't want a sexual relationship with him because of his girlfriend. Be honest but gentle.

lovesineffable Mon 30-Apr-12 10:29:33

It's hard to be blunt and hurt someones feelings, but I think in these situations the other person often senses and plays on this, although perhaps not deliberately/consciously.
Often they just pi$$ you off so much that you stop caring about their feelings

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 30-Apr-12 10:31:07

post - if i said the word he would be free to be with me. its been the case since maybe this time last year.... but i dont want him to be with me. thats the point. he also hasnt been in a relationship the whole time ive known him. He has a girlfriend now, but they have been together less than a year. he saw her because i wouldnt see him..... its not his fault. hes not a shit. its just wrong timing.

you could ask what hes got planned for the weekend.. and then when he asks you, say you dont know yet. and then if he doest take that hint, he pretty much not going to. I tend to think if they dont ask you out within 2 weeks, then they arent going to. And really, do you want to date someone who is too shy do ask for a coffee, via email?

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 30-Apr-12 10:37:05

mlm - no, he absolutley is not coming onto me in a sexual way. Its not sexual. not at all. Its been a very emotional affair. we havent even kissed, yet i have streams of messages of him telling me he loves me ( messages going years back) i did love him, and now i dont. And im sure he knows this and this is why im getting constant messages from him, but it doesnt change how i feel. I know i need to be blunt, and i know thats going to hurt him. And i do care for him, and so dont want to do that. Its really hard.

TimeForMeAndDD Mon 30-Apr-12 10:44:10

watch as harsh as this sounds, his hurt his not your responsibility. You have told him where he stands with you but he chooses to ignore your feelings and your wishes, he doesn't seem to care that in doing what he is doing he is hurting you. The situation you are in with him is of his doing, not yours. Do not feel guilty or hold back fro he