Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What women want from a relationship: the definitive Mumsnet list?

(138 Posts)
GeraldineMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 11-Jan-12 12:24:08

We're putting together some Relationships content based on issues that recur in this Talk topic. We thought a print-it-out-and-pin-it-on-the-fridge type list of what you want from a relationship would be useful and interesting - and possibly surprising for your other half!

So what do you need from your 'significant other' in order to feel content with your relationship? Please share...

Thank you.

Shared responsibilty for the things we're jointly responsible for! "Helping out" is crap, it's his job too, so I would like him to do his share of housework/pack a bag for DD when we're going out/cook a meal without being prompted, and without having to check everything with me first! <and breathe!>

Hugs! (I do get a lot of these smile )

Keep making me laugh!

in an ideal world the man would share the chores and bringing up of a child.

agree with mrsmango - for him to do some house work because he wants to help not because he been asked!

to do the manly things around the house, like putting a shelf up in the same month you asked him to.

sooo many, will be funny to see other posts grin)

Respect.

lubeybooby Wed 11-Jan-12 12:45:57

Oh! I'm a demanding bugger. In no perticular order:

Love, loyalty, humour and fun, kindness and thought, integrity, trust, affection, respect, communication and support.

(should add - any man capable of all those who happens to be my significant other will get the same back from me!)

justonemorejingle Wed 11-Jan-12 12:46:03

To not have to ask where the nappies are after 6 months of living in the same flat and have always been kept in the same place.
Only one symptom of a wider malaise!

lubeybooby Wed 11-Jan-12 12:46:23

argh, particular*

ouryve Wed 11-Jan-12 12:47:31

To be treated as an equal, whatever our roles.

Not a surprise to my DH, though, since he does that anyhow.

Malificence Wed 11-Jan-12 12:48:26

Respect, first and foremost, you can't have a good relationship without it.
Honesty.
Emotional intelligence and strength.
I think that's the "holy trinity", everything else just naturally flows from those .

The ability to bake great cakes and be fantastic in bed are plus points too. wink

Someone who'll dispose humanely of gigantic spiders grin

CailinDana Wed 11-Jan-12 12:59:25

The ability to make a good cup of tea smile
<easily pleased>

PosieParker Wed 11-Jan-12 13:00:39

Respect
Honesty
Loyalty
Openness
Attraction
Understanding
Ability to listen

screamadelica Wed 11-Jan-12 13:05:32

Friendship.
Openness.
Shared responsibility

Rebekmah Wed 11-Jan-12 13:16:17

Respect, honesty, trust.
The ability to pick up the 3 pairs of his shoes currently being ignored by the front door :/

KnowYourself Wed 11-Jan-12 13:26:54

Respect and real shared responsability of the house/dcs (so not doing something only when asked but being able to be proactive about it).

I would have before added emotional support and being affectionate. As it turns out, it seems more and more likely that DH has AS and I've had had to acknowledge I do need to review my list. So instead the one thing that is on my top three is
always doing your best to enhance the relationship

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:27:37

For each and every man to have a lengthy and grueling interview with Anyfucker before they are allowed anywhere near a vagina?

Sorted.

The ability to be able to (not even simultaneously, one action after the other would suffice, I don't expect much) close a wardrobe door after extracting an item of clothing would be lovely.

And never, no not never, even in his subconscious thoughts ever to even consider, for a nanosecond, saying "well, my mother........"

And no white socks. Or brown trousers. Or moustaches. Or pants with cartoon characters on.

And all the serious stuff that everyone else will say later.

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:29:19

Actually, my top serious one is this:

To never forget that I was a woman, and a fairly independent one at that (with my own brain and everything)for 30+ years before I met Handsome Swain.

That has not and and will not change, just because I have put his pants in the washing machine.

BertieBotts Wed 11-Jan-12 13:31:45

To see me as a person first, rather than a woman first

Friendship, laughs, shared interests

If we're living together, to feel like we approach life, all important, most semi-important and some trivial decisions as a team, not just that we're two people who happen to share a house and maybe ask each others' opinions on the really big things.

Someone who is kind

It helps if they're a massive geek too grin

marge2 Wed 11-Jan-12 13:32:31

Anyone else notice only one person so far has mentioned good sex?

BearWith Wed 11-Jan-12 13:33:42

Yes yes, using own initiative to help without being asked.

A sense of humour, especially when things are really dire. But in a 'laughing with' rather than 'laughing at' sense, obviously.

Complete openness and honesty.

Respect and equality.

A commitment to personal growth. This is a biggie for me. If both people aren't aware of their flaws and committed to bettering themselves, things get pretty ugly no matter how compatible you are/fancy each other etc.

Commitment to the relationship; actually wanting to be in one with you, and voting with their feet rather than pretty flowery words or, indeed, flowers. Showing you each day in big or small ways that they love you, they care and they want to be with you. Like asking you if you'd like a cuppa when you get in and then putting the shopping away. Without being asked.

I'm on to a good one, just now grin

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:35:03

If someone promised me I wouldn't have to bother with sex at all, I'd be shoving Handsome Swain down a mineshaft quicksharp.

SarahStratton Wed 11-Jan-12 13:37:41

Love
Respect
And a big fat willy grin

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:38:26

<sends Handsome Swain to SarahS>

MrsMicawber Wed 11-Jan-12 13:38:49

Hate it when people refer to men doing houseowrk as helping

Some one with the same goals as me

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:39:09

(no need to return, use him as you would a disposable contactlens)

MorrisZapp Wed 11-Jan-12 13:41:00

Wanting the same stuff that you do. Shared dreams, values and priorities.

KnowYourself Wed 11-Jan-12 13:41:41

Sex?? What's that?? wink sad

marge2 Wed 11-Jan-12 13:43:01

Sex - remember? That unpleasant chore??

TheCrunchUnderfoot Wed 11-Jan-12 13:48:36

Ooh yes That. Doing the Business.

Disgusting grin

BearWith Wed 11-Jan-12 13:53:23

Ohh yes, and - more or less the same moral/ethical/spiritual framework, not super similar but enough overlap to mean you kind of 'get' each other and don't feel lonely or defensive about what you believe or how you choose to live your life. Not having to explain everything all the time because you are poles apart on an inner level.

Chubfuddler Wed 11-Jan-12 13:56:48

Funny how someone wants the household chores shared, but wants their partner to do the "man jobs".

Love and support, respect, honesty. Being a team. Remembering to be kind to one another All the details that make it work flow if you start from good first principles.

marge2 Wed 11-Jan-12 13:57:34

My ideal partner is someone who doesn;t think he is doing me a favour by doing some of the housework. Who doesn't consider he is "babysitting" while alone with his own children.

Who will repeat himself if I don't hear him first time round without calling me a deaf git and then shouting at me.

Who will share some of 'his' money with me without asking for a spreadsheet explaining why I need help paying for all the food, my car costs, household items everything child related, etc etc on my part time wage.

Who will chat with me without putting me down at every opportunity.

Who will say 'there there - poor you' if I have a bad day rather than just implying I must have done something wrong.

...and he wonders why I don't enjoy sex with him???

Oh dear am I whingeing?? I'll go away now.

Boysrstupid Wed 11-Jan-12 13:58:13

A Galaxy Ripple from the garage when he fills the (my) car with petrol.

<easily pleased singleton>

MistyMountainHop Wed 11-Jan-12 14:00:34

equality - a man doing his fair share not just "helping" hmm

great with kids

romantic

spontaneous

hard working

good with money

solvent

tidy

fit

kind

have hobbies and his own social life

very good standards of personal hygiene

good teeth

nice hair

sexy looking

and, above all, good - no, GREAT - in bed wink

MistyMountainHop Wed 11-Jan-12 14:01:11

i don't want much do i grin

(am smug pleased to say DH ticks pretty much all those boxes!)

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Wed 11-Jan-12 14:02:26

Someone who doesn't call out the wrong answers during University Challenge.

Alphafemale Wed 11-Jan-12 14:03:16

Absolute equality in terms of childcare / chores / the boring stuff that goes with life and kids

And that includes the headspace stuff, so thinking about babysitters/book bags/tedious shite

Kindness and compassion

Intelligence

Good sense of humour / ability to laugh

Shared moral compass

Sexual prowess

MrsMicawber Wed 11-Jan-12 14:05:24

Thanks, boys! I've had to ring DH to ask him to pic up some chocolate for me on the way home
<licks lips>
<worries about hips>

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 11-Jan-12 14:05:59

Diamonds

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 14:07:15

Takes socks off first when That There Mucky Stuff <Les Dawson lips> is on the agenda.

Choclatespread Wed 11-Jan-12 14:07:40

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

To do things like housework, babysitting etc by himself, without being -told- to do it all the time.

WannabeMegMarch Wed 11-Jan-12 14:08:00

Its what I want from every significant relationship- respect that I am an adult human being with wonderful experience of life; to listen to my point of view and be able to articulate your own without either needed to dominate; to be capable of receiving love in all its forms and give it back in multitudes too
A person who understands that in life we all have days when we are net givers to humanity and days when we are net takers; can be a tree I can lean on when life is blowing me off my feet and who takes my hand when I hold it out to help you.
I want to be able to wake up early, and enjoy the dawn alone with my cup of tea and I want to lie in bed late snuggling.
I want to stay in to watch Panorama and discuss the contents; and I want to go out to the cinema; and I want to be entranced and uplifted by the beauty of a musical recital and have you sit with me through it all. And I will learn an appreciation of what stirs you.
I want a person who stimulates and challenges; and introduces a new way of looking at the world; but shares my values. Someone who speaks and understands the language of a look, or a shift of the body or an unconcious gesture that leaks out what I feel.

And I want someone who, when the end comes, I can look at and who will see the me as the sum of all the good I did in the world and who will offer a true and heartfelt eulogy of what I achieved; who will hold my hand when the fear fills my nostrils and eyes and who I will believe when they tell me 'it will be ok'. Someone to whom I can entrust the libraries of my mind in the hope that not all of me will be extinguished.
Someone who when offered all of this realises that this is special; that a companion who gives and receives all of this is a treasure to be polished and appreciated.

singingprincess Wed 11-Jan-12 14:08:58

Love and respect....everything else comes from those things doesn't it?

In my mind I tick most of those boxes, maybe it is to good to be true & that's why I am a singleton . grin

ballstoit Wed 11-Jan-12 14:09:58

To listen to me moaning about my family without joining in...it's okay for me to criticise my Mum. It is not okay for someone else to criticise her.

To put the family's needs before those of the bookie, local landlord or his mates.

Honesty

To be able to disagree without it becoming a huge argument, with swearing, shouting and sulking for a week after.

CrystalsAreCool Wed 11-Jan-12 14:19:30

oh DITTO to Bertie's - i like the geek bit! grin

As well as most of what others have said I've found it really important to be with someone who is able to see where they're wrong, apologise and then make a change. DP's big saving grace is that he is so earnest about doing the right thing, he has a conscience so even if he behaves twattishly it's short lived and he recognsies it.

Also, he challenges me and is assertive in return. I wouldn't want someone who let me walk all over them, or if i didn't know what he was thinking. DP is so open, talks about everything, his feelings, shortcomings, goals, doubts etc. That's so valuable to me as well, i'd find a closed book hard work.

Boysrstupid Wed 11-Jan-12 14:23:42

Your welcome Mrs Micawber Sod the hips you can work it off later when you 'reward' his wonderfulness.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Wed 11-Jan-12 14:25:27

Alphafemale Oh yes to sharing the headspace stuff.

This would be pretty much my ideal man:

Strip our bed from time to time and remake it with lovely freshly laundered bedding.

Ditto the children's beds.

He would say: I discussed Show & Tell with A and she's going to do it about dinosaurs. We went through all the things she has and what she might say. We put some plastic dinosaurs and the Nat Hist Museum book in a carrier bag in the boot room hanging high on a peg. It's labelled Show & Tell.

He would call at 11am on friday and say I've organised a babysitter for hs eve and booked to go to x (inexpensive) for a meal and a bottle of wine or he would call and say I've booked a babysitter fr this eve - what shall we see at the cinema?

He would sometimes say I've done all the school paperwork, consent forms, lunch money stuff and sewn in the Cash's name tapes.

BleatingRose Wed 11-Jan-12 14:33:50

Ah but my 'time-to-time' would be every 5 days or so... his would be every March hmm

MrsMicawber Wed 11-Jan-12 14:39:19

I shall have to fit in an extra special workout!

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Wed 11-Jan-12 15:15:09

To say "I like your new shoes" without sarcasm and without asking about the cost.

Tigerbomb Wed 11-Jan-12 15:16:40

WannabeMegMarch totally summed it up for me.

I'm lucky that I have that kind of relationship

Big fat willy and great in bed is also a must

myTHINyear Wed 11-Jan-12 15:20:20

To not fart on me in bed when I'm stroking his back! angry

To appreciate things I do to create a nice environment for us

To not get defensive when I need to address an issue i.e money/housework/food shopping

To at least for one hour not be plugged in to a laptop or phone

To make me a coffee in the morning grin

seaofyou Wed 11-Jan-12 15:31:48

do DIY
mow the grass
put the rubbish out
answer the door to the window/gas etc sales peolpe
walk the dog (what dog!) when corrie/eastenders is on
wash the car

can't think of nought else as they all lie and cheat anyway!

coffeeinbed Wed 11-Jan-12 15:37:31

Must love My Dog.
Sorry, make that adore.
Also - companionship, make me laugh, respect - don't try and think he knows what's best for me if only I'd realised that!
good sex.
no whinging

SecondRow Wed 11-Jan-12 15:40:30

I think I am out of step here as I'm surprised to see so many serious replies. As a discussion thread of course it's a question worthy of discussing but as sort of "fixed" reference content on MN - what's it for? So that you can point men to it and say "here's the definitive list"? It's not at all like health or pregnancy or even style and beauty content in that way is it? I think I'm missing something...

(By the way I do read relationships a good bit and think it is amazingly helpful to lots of people - but that's because it's advice tailored to each poster.)

mouldyironingboard Wed 11-Jan-12 16:01:34

Respect
Honesty
No relationship can survive for long without these - I found out the hard way in my past life!

Intimacy (both emotional and physical)
Commitment
Kindness
Tolerance
Willingness to communicate
Ability to manage money (whatever the income level)

My lovely DH is all of the above and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 11-Jan-12 16:04:48

- Someone who I know is as much of a capable adult than I am (or hopefully more so grin), and doesn't need instruction or me to stand over him to pack a suitcase/make lunch/organise a trip etc.

- Someone who is quick-witted and not only "gets" the things I say, but surprises me (er, in a good way) with funny stuff he says.

- Kind-hearted and generally a fan of people and dogs.

- Someone I fancy the pants right right off, and who is brilliant in bed.

- Someone who makes really good tea very often

- Someone with good ideas about how to spend leisure time that don't just involve watching TV or drinking.

Becaroooo Wed 11-Jan-12 16:08:08

Respect
Honesty
Ability to laugh at himself
Pure filth in bed

There you go!

sunshineoutdoors Wed 11-Jan-12 16:15:55

That special spark where even though you've lived together for some time and had a baby and seen each other in all sorts of states, you still look at them sometimes and get a jolt and just think 'wow!'

oikopolis Wed 11-Jan-12 16:18:07

Patience. This is huge.

Unflappability. I can't be around someone who has meltdowns when things go wrong.

Selflessness.

The ability to accept and appreciate loving gestures.

The ability to delay gratification in order to reap a richer reward.

oikopolis Wed 11-Jan-12 16:19:36

...and observant. I can't cope with someone who doesn't notice that the dishes need doing/the baby's face needs wiping/the bins haven't been taken out for three weeks

Panfriedstardust Wed 11-Jan-12 16:34:14

Kindness to others

Willingness to change

Self-awareness

Ability to laugh at self

Loyalty

Patience

But most of all...nice legs.grin

Cazzymaddy Wed 11-Jan-12 17:04:35

Love
Respect
Not shouting like a toddler when life gets hard
Doing some some of the housework without being a martyr about it afterwards
Accepting sometimes you are wrong
Acting his age not a 2 yrs old
Not blaming other people for every single thing
Being faithful
Being honest

Oh well, probably never gonna get all those things - time to move on methinks!

Prunella79 Wed 11-Jan-12 17:53:02

the ability and inclination to continue to look after himself after living together - he was perfectly capable of doing so before so why is he suddenly so incapable?
be open and communicate - we'll all rub along better if we understand what's going on/has happened with each other.
otherwise just be himself - there are reasons why i fell for him in the first place and i wouldn't want him to change to meet some false idealised vision, anything that's not ideal i am capable of coming to terms with, or if there's openness we can discuss and work through

EllenandBump Wed 11-Jan-12 17:55:31

The ability to make me laugh, to be honest, to treat me like a princess (ie with respect) and to love and adore me AND my son. Also someone who will listen to me and plenty of cuddling up on the sofa with a film or tele or even a game. A closeness and to feel loved.

Seems like all the nice guys are gone though.....maybe one day. x

mrscoleridge Wed 11-Jan-12 18:04:29

Someone who is switched on/interested in the world
Someone cultured and pref. well read and intelligent in general
Sense of humour a must
Likes kids/animals
Good in bed obv
Someone who can do stuff in the house without being 'told'/given a list
Pref tidy

OriginalJamie Wed 11-Jan-12 18:10:55

Someone who is kind and respectful to other people, not just me
Someone who is good at oral stuff
Someone who can bring himself to say sorry - the actual word

tethersend Wed 11-Jan-12 18:27:21

That thing that you can't put into words.

That.

Panfriedstardust Wed 11-Jan-12 18:33:07

No it isn't that tethers - it's that other thing.

ToothbrushThief Wed 11-Jan-12 18:41:25

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:27:37

For each and every man to have a lengthy and grueling interview with Anyfucker before they are allowed anywhere near a vagina?

Bucharest Wed 11-Jan-12 13:29:19

Actually, my top serious one is this:

To never forget that I was a woman, and a fairly independent one at that (with my own brain and everything)for 30+ years before I met Handsome Swain.

That has not and and will not change, just because I have put his pants in the washing machine

Yes, yes, yes and

To never act 'for me' without asking me what I want.

Charbon Wed 11-Jan-12 19:25:45

I think the entire premise for this project is flawed though, because it pre-supposes that women in relationships want different things to men. The term 'other half' also brings me out in hives. People are individuals in their own right, not halves of a whole.

Been with my partner for decades and have often discussed what we want and need from the other and there are no differences. They are:

Kindness
Honesty
Fidelity (sexual, emotional and financial)
Trust
Great sex
Time spent as a couple and as a family, as well as the freedom to be individuals with our own friends and interests
Support for eachother's aspirations
Active listening
Shared responsibility for financial, household and parenting decisions
Equal value given to eachother's work (esp when one of us was the primary child-carer)
Equal leisure time and equal division of boring tasks

tethersend Wed 11-Jan-12 19:35:26

Ah. The other thing. Of course.

lazarusb Wed 11-Jan-12 19:41:07

Trust, respect, honesty. Shared values and goals. Understanding, support, friendship. Laughter. Great, great, REGULAR sex.

But more than anything right now....I want him NOT to have paid the Council Tax into the wrong account so that we wouldn't have been threatened with court proceedings while I am doing a Law degree!! Especially as I had to sort it out because he was at work <twit DH emotion>

to be cherished

to feel like i am utterly utterly loved

that feeling can help me forgive a lot of other stuff

trust

someone who makes me laugh

MrsWembley Wed 11-Jan-12 19:48:41

Somebody who knows what I want off the menu but who would never dream of ordering for me.

That and doing the bins and I'm happy.grin

fuzzynavel Wed 11-Jan-12 20:08:32

Someone I can be with and not loose my own identity nor him his.
Someone who helps me reach my potential/goals and chivvys me on to do this.
Someone I can feel safe enough with and have a flaming arguement with and no one thinks its over. Things get resolved instead.
It's the little repetitive things that irk me, so someone who knows not to keep repeating these things when it's easy for them not to.

Oh and also all the other stuff as in kindness, faithfulness etc.

Last but not least, a blinding sense of humour.

fuzzynavel Wed 11-Jan-12 20:12:48

Ooops, forgot.

a 12 inch willy Someone who know what to do in the sack grin

Garliccheesechips Wed 11-Jan-12 20:23:02

I love my DP because he's my best friend and my lover, cares deeply about me, puts me first, makes me laugh and respects women generally. And he's not tight. I hate it when men are tight.

And he scraped the slug off my shoe. That's real love.

motherinferior Wed 11-Jan-12 20:31:55

A mutual commitment to overthrowing capitalism.

CalatalieSisters Wed 11-Jan-12 20:34:41

Good one, motherinferior. DH is out at a "Refounding Labour" meeting tonight. I told him if he didn't get it founded properly this time not to bother coming home.

Heleninahandcart Wed 11-Jan-12 20:34:51

Respect
Intelligence
Friendship
Intimacy - emotional and physical
Physical affection
Feels proud of me
Good sex and wants sex
Values me as a equal
Contributes to finances, DC, general household workload, admin
Partner in life
Loyal

mumsinmarketing Wed 11-Jan-12 20:36:12

hot sex

no need to feel you can't treat me the same in bed now i'm a mum!

(in addition to what the others said)

motherinferior Wed 11-Jan-12 20:38:02

Also someone who gives me a bit of room. Not someone who wants to do everything together and never 'lets' me see my own friends on my own.

Aloha31 Wed 11-Jan-12 20:59:50

Kindness.

higgle Wed 11-Jan-12 21:27:04

To be desired.

BasilRathbone Wed 11-Jan-12 21:36:09

Respect

Everything else flows from that.

That thing of not doing their fair share of housework, talking abusively at you, quizzing you about the cost of stuff - that comes from lack of respect.

In addition to what everyone else has mentioned, a taking of responsibility for his own health (can't abide men who smoke, binge drink and sit at the TV farting) with a basic amount of regular exercise and a resignation to the fact that a minimum of 2 hours of nearly each of my days, will be consumed by mumsnet.

Grumpla Wed 11-Jan-12 21:37:49

Respect.
Honesty.
Humour.
Being a good dad.
Cup of tea in bed in the morning.
The occasional screaming orgasm (not at the moment though, SPD means any quivering around the groin = agony rather than ecstasy sad )

Most important of all: my DH must be TOLERANT. I am a right pain in the arse. I suspect the reason we have lasted this long is that he is able to tune out the general mardiness but still focus in on when I have a real problem / am genuinely upset.

AnyFucker should definitely set up as a freelance consultant for those entering new relationships! Often find myself agreeing with her. <brownnose emoticon>

joanofarchitrave Wed 11-Jan-12 21:47:44

Someone who doesn't become an utter nobjockey just because he is driving a vehicle. Because in my experience, in drivingo veritas est (?)

And someone who grows really top-quality blackheads (cysts as well, if I'm honest) and allows full access at possibly inappropriate times (lunch at the PILs, picking up ds from school etc).

ledkr Wed 11-Jan-12 21:53:16

Not to have to "work at it" for it to just be easy and comfortable and not cause me any anxiety.
No game playing,just honesty even if it seems silly.

Proudnscary Wed 11-Jan-12 22:14:11

Genuinely never had a list of what I would want in a man/relationship.
But been with Mr Proud 17 years and it still feels right.
Our values are the same - that's number one. You can both be wonderful people (or a pair of cunts) but if you don't naturally want the same things in life or disagree on what's fundamentally important that is baaaad.
Then, yes, friendship, love, respect, laughter, yada yada yada.

Solopower Wed 11-Jan-12 22:20:25

What do I look for in a relationship?

Er ...

Give us a clue?

BettySuarez Wed 11-Jan-12 22:37:26

Maturity

raspberryhead Wed 11-Jan-12 23:16:09

Respect
Honesty
The ability to listen
Sense of humour
Loyalty
To be able to take some initiative (around the house, the kitchen or even the bedroom wink)

whomovedmyblackberry Thu 12-Jan-12 00:08:06

Nice thread but not sure about the idea of a wish list for the fridge etc. the cynical side of me thinks mnhq have a PR exercise in mind to drum up press coverage?

Latecomer here...Looking forward to reading this thread...is mn thinking of writing a relationships book? shock

If so, could Reality's "Listen Up" post be on the front page in bold?

ViendoOvejas Thu 12-Jan-12 03:10:54

handsome (shouldn't put this first, but why be with someone otherwise?)
kind
clever
honest
cuddles our crying babe back to sleep when she wakes up in the night
would never harm a hair on our heads
makes me feel sexy and loved
has a grain or two of poetry in his soul

anythingbutfishfingers Thu 12-Jan-12 04:58:46

A little give and take on both sides, trust on both sides and complete honesty (unless ask if my huge butt looks huge) grin

liveinazoo Thu 12-Jan-12 05:31:38

make me laugh
'say or do things that say "i love you"
lots hugs
remember to put lav seat back when had a peehmm

Abitwobblynow Thu 12-Jan-12 07:48:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustHecate Thu 12-Jan-12 08:26:08

love - I mean to be truly loved. That's number one.
respect
consideration
kindness
lots of laughs!
gentleness
intelligence
good listener
discusses issues - wouldn't want a shouter. shouting doesn't acheive anything. Would have to be able to calmly discuss anything, no matter how difficult, without yelling
not a big drinker
no swearing or quick temper
and lots and lots of sex. Can't get enough of me sex. Wants it every day sex! Twice a day. Looks at me and ping! The elastic on his pants snaps and they're flung across the room.

JustHecate Thu 12-Jan-12 08:27:21

oh - and of course a first class, hands on, loving father. That goes without saying.

Kyte Thu 12-Jan-12 09:58:34

Mutual self-giving love from each other

Mutual respect to each other, especially when we're disagreeing

Acceptance that we both mess up, forgiveness when we do and authentic intention not to do it again from each of us, even if we do

Backing up each other's decisions with the children

Taking time out to have fun with each other

Putting things back where they belong and not expecting someone-else to do it.

Doing the household chores that we each find less tiresome and then splitting the others between us, according to who has more availability to do them, without either one becoming run down, so that we both have time for leisure etc

Kyte Thu 12-Jan-12 09:59:35

Great, intimate, bonding sex helps too. But it's not about being a great performer, it's about making that connection with each other

GeraldineMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 12-Jan-12 13:19:09

whomovedmyblackberry

Nice thread but not sure about the idea of a wish list for the fridge etc. the cynical side of me thinks mnhq have a PR exercise in mind to drum up press coverage?

Hello, just been reading through the posts. We started this thread because we thought it would make great permanent content on the site.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. 'Preciate it smile

whomovedmyblackberry Thu 12-Jan-12 17:30:51

It is a good thread and sorry if I was cynical.

I can see it in the Daily Mail though grin

SHThread Thu 12-Jan-12 20:21:38

A listener

SpikeInTheBasement Thu 12-Jan-12 20:23:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoudiniHissy Thu 12-Jan-12 20:48:29

It's a fab reminder/resource for those of us that have never seen/had a 'normal' relationship.

I LOVE WannaBeMegMarch's post. I found it totally moving and inspirational.

"Its what I want from every significant relationship- respect that I am an adult human being with wonderful experience of life; to listen to my point of view and be able to articulate your own without either needed to dominate; to be capable of receiving love in all its forms and give it back in multitudes too
A person who understands that in life we all have days when we are net givers to humanity and days when we are net takers; can be a tree I can lean on when life is blowing me off my feet and who takes my hand when I hold it out to help you.
I want to be able to wake up early, and enjoy the dawn alone with my cup of tea and I want to lie in bed late snuggling.
I want to stay in to watch Panorama and discuss the contents; and I want to go out to the cinema; and I want to be entranced and uplifted by the beauty of a musical recital and have you sit with me through it all. And I will learn an appreciation of what stirs you.
I want a person who stimulates and challenges; and introduces a new way of looking at the world; but shares my values. Someone who speaks and understands the language of a look, or a shift of the body or an unconcious gesture that leaks out what I feel.

And I want someone who, when the end comes, I can look at and who will see the me as the sum of all the good I did in the world and who will offer a true and heartfelt eulogy of what I achieved; who will hold my hand when the fear fills my nostrils and eyes and who I will believe when they tell me 'it will be ok'. Someone to whom I can entrust the libraries of my mind in the hope that not all of me will be extinguished.
Someone who when offered all of this realises that this is special; that a companion who gives and receives all of this is a treasure to be polished and appreciated."

THIS ^^ IS WHAT I'LL BE AIMING FOR FOR MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP(S)

This will be printed off and will be on my fridge!

grin

WannabeMegMarch Thu 12-Jan-12 23:02:38

Thanks Houdini...I think I misjudged the levity of the thread; but I come to Relationships to talk to people who like me have seen the wrong end of it all. Thats my heart on a page.

HoudiniHissy Thu 12-Jan-12 23:18:26

It shows love, and it's beautiful! Thank you!

TopHun Fri 13-Jan-12 00:29:46

I wanted, I held out, and I have:
A soulmate who is my best friend, partner, confidant, ally, equal. Someone with whom I spark. It's all about the connexion.
It's important to me that my OH takes good care of his health, is environmentally responsible and is compassionate to all creatures; that to me really means someone vegan. So, similar ethics, I suppose. Not a pet-owner. Non-smoker. Someone who doesn't drink to get drunk - just not my scene. Someone who keeps himself as fit as he can.
A hands-on father. Same ideas about child-raising. (I wanted to be a SAHM, DH supports this whole-heartedly. I want to home-educate, DH agrees completely. We want to take them travelling all over the world. Follow an AP style, more than not - that kind of thing.)
A guy I can go out exploring with, stay IN exploring with, a boy with a sense of adventure and fun and mischief, someone equally comfortable and at ease doing nothing much. A man who enjoys his way round a dancefloor. Someone down-to-earth. Someone romantic and sweet and charming and magical.
A man who respects women as equals, as humans, and not as commodities.
All the usual things apply - GSOH (good salary, own home), ok, similar sense of humour/wit.
Someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, wants to make me happy, someone who 'gets' me.
A man with a rightful sense of his priorities, who's as good as his word, polite, sincere, someone independent, interdependent, trusting, trustworthy, honest, open, adorable, eloquent, ticklish, with nice teeth, who is happy, thoughtful, clean, fit, energetic, spontaneous AND capable of organising things, bright, cute, cheeky, gentle, sexy, respectful, sensual, financially responsible, content AND ambitious (but not to the extreme), challenging (in a good way!), someone who can take charge, and who is happy to let go and follow.
Someone comfortable in his skin, attractive in his way, confident but not arrogant, well-turned out when he needs to be, with a glint in his eye, a nice smile, warm hands, and a big ... heart.
Someone to build a happy/secure future with.
Someone who is going to open my eyes and my mind and my body to new things, teach me stuff, try the things I like if he isn't already into them.
Someone dreamy, friendly, accepting, practical, idealistic, optimistic, passionate, articulate, enthusiastic, expressive, in touch with their emotions, in tune with others', tactile, strong, stable, secure, smart, sharp, soft, sassy, feisty, flexible, loving, tender, playful, affectionate, generous, kind, considerate, caring, well-disciplined, easy-going.

DH is all these things and more.

CrystalsAreCool Fri 13-Jan-12 08:00:20

crikey TopHun that's a hell of a lot of pressure on a bloke! If i read that as somebody's prospective partner i'd freak out! grin but it's ok, you've got him already smile

Youllbewaiting Fri 13-Jan-12 08:06:06

TopHun- Do you have all those traits as well?
I'm a man (and not gay) and I think I'd marry him.

BasilRathbone Fri 13-Jan-12 10:41:34

I don't think it's that many wonderful traits, it just looks a lot when set down all in one go all together, but I bet loads of people could tick boxes that describe their partners in those complimentary terms. You don't usually discuss most of the positive aspects of yourself/ partner/ friend all in one go, so it just looks loads when all together IYSWIM.

If you had a list of adjectives, activities and character traits, I bet you could tick a whole lot more. (And I bet you could also tick loads of negatives which would look dreadful on the page, but when spaced out over time amid all the positives, are actually perfectly bearable.)

GeraldineMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 13-Jan-12 11:10:14

whomovedmyblackberry

It is a good thread and sorry if I was cynical.

I can see it in the Daily Mail though grin

Imitation is sincerest form of flattery and all that <puts arm over thread to stop people copying>

TopHun Fri 13-Jan-12 12:44:57

Crystals, no pressure, DH is just himself, and effortlessly is those things I was looking for.

Youllbewaiting, yes, I believe I do. I don't expect any more from my partner than I can give back.
Anyway, hands off, he's mine! smile

Basil, quite.

TopHun Fri 13-Jan-12 14:37:27

I meant to also say I think a similar outlook on finances is important too, certainly makes life easier if you both agree on how much to save vs spend. And a similar outlook on enjoying life while you can vs saving for a rainy day, and delayed gratification.

maleview70 Fri 13-Jan-12 19:13:55

Jesus some of you dont want much do you!

Be interesting to see a similar list made by men!

BasilRathbone Fri 13-Jan-12 19:15:48

Go off and do one in Dadsnet Maleview.

I'm sure we'll all be fascinated. grin

timetoask Fri 13-Jan-12 19:19:47

To share my moral principles
To keep himself healthy both in body and spirit
To support me emotionally and in my choices
To be educated

EllenandBump Fri 13-Jan-12 23:17:46

And some of us dont want much. Just someone to love me, accept me for who i am and not expect me to change and to love my son as much as they do me. We are a package deal, cant have one without the other. Honesty too. But not much especially as most people on here either want to have children or already have them!

Pickgo Sat 14-Jan-12 01:20:27

I think this thread is a riduculous idea. It makes me cringe.

Firstly because 'what women want' implies that women are a monolithic entity that will all want the same things, rather than individuals. It is the essentialist view, woman defined by biology.

It also seems to imply the same thing about relationships... as though the person you have a relationship with is insignificant in themselves, it's just what you want out of any relationship.

Secondly, the question plays into all the old gender stereotypes - 'put the list on the fridge and you never know your luck girlies the god man in your life might just happen to glance at it'. Of course the fact that it's the fridge (as a domestic appliance) also is consistent with the gender stereotype of the female realm being home and kitchen.

The question itself also positions women as being the 'wanting' ones in a relationship.... gives us all something to nag him about I suppose.

Does it have to be a question that perpetuates all the myths of the gender wars? Do women have to want something different from men in a relationship?

There are billions of people in the world, when two of them come together surely what they want from each other should have something to do with the characteristics of the unique individuals that they are.

Here MNHQ have one of these biscuit

Malificence Sat 14-Jan-12 10:14:35

Way to suck all the fun out of a thread pickgo. biscuit

It's a good thing to have high standards and if it makes some women realise that men can have all these attributes and more then perhaps they'll stop settling for a sub standard partner because, you know, they're only men , they can't help themselves, the poor, testosterone driven fools. wink

molly3478 Sat 14-Jan-12 10:21:41

love, trust, always to be there for you and put you first, work hard both at home and in a job, be baby crazy so when you have kids wants to do everything with them (thats how you get a man who does everything at home imo), great sex, attractive, best friends, have lots of common interests and just generally love being in each others company.

Dont need a list though already got this man and it didnt take any effort or changing the person

Yama Sat 14-Jan-12 11:08:36

Good post Pickgo. 'What women want ...' reminds me of that crap Mel Gibson film. 'What people want from a relationship' might not be such a step back in time.

MrsWembley Sat 14-Jan-12 11:50:30

What Malificence said!

<Blows raspberry>

HoudiniHissy Sat 14-Jan-12 16:46:07

Incidentally, on Dadsnet, is there a relationships topic that is full of gut-wrenchingly sad threads usually about either infidelity or domestic violence?

So many women here are accepting SUCH goddawful behaviour for the sake of a relationship, or for the kids or fear of being single etc.

IF just ONE person realises that they are supposed to hold out for more, they are supposed to be respected, treated with kindness and compassion, to be admired, to be loved... then this thread is worth doing.

So IF there are MNers that think this thread is a waste of time, then bully for them! Go them! Have a sodding banana!... hmm They clearly have FF all to worry about, and even less compassion for their fellow human beings go haunt chat or somewhere more fluffy

There are plenty MORE that DO see a point to a thread that raises awareness of a partner's entitlement to fairness, kindness and respect. EVERYONE should live happy in their relationships, or have the freedom to do something about it.

Youllbewaiting Sat 14-Jan-12 17:23:58

There isn't a topic on Dadsnet full of sad stories. Do you think men's lives are full of happiness and light?

I think women should be glad they've an outlet like MN, men do not have this.

But if MN was 50-50 male-female I'm sure they'd be just as many sad stories from men.

Alouisee Sat 14-Jan-12 19:10:58

As long as I'm treated like an absolute Goddess all is fine in my world.

MrsWembley Sat 14-Jan-12 19:20:57

Youllbe Your first paragraph in your last post is confusing me. Dadsnet has got a topic full of sad stories and their lives are not full of happiness and light or it hasn't and their lives are?

Sparks1 Sat 14-Jan-12 19:29:27

I don't wish to derail what seems to me is a great thread but i'm disgusted by the insinuation that males do not suffer DV or infidelity.

How ironic that such comments sit side by side with other threads where females complain there is a lack of decent males. wink

struwelpeter Sat 14-Jan-12 21:27:19

Haven't read the whole thread but and in this order:
Respect
Understanding and Compassion
Communication
Because respect is the basis of any good relationship between human beings; no one is perfect and can ever live up to another person's ideals whatever they are and the communication because when the respect stumbles, the understanding falters and the compassion gets eaten away then communication is the only way to get back to the other two or agree to part with as least harm as possible to each other and any children involved.

lovesadirtylie Sun 15-Jan-12 01:14:53

intellectual compatibility

drfayray Sun 15-Jan-12 10:34:05

Just out of a 25 year long marriage where DH left me and the kids for another woman...hmmmm

I would like

a handsome face
fit body
and abs I can trace my finger round.

Superficial?

You betcha.

PogueMahone Fri 24-Feb-12 14:19:38

WannabeMegMarch that was beautiful. I am destroyed.

hathorinareddress Fri 24-Feb-12 14:25:02

I want

Someone who appreciates me as I am and doesn't want to change me

Someone who pulls their weight and does their fair share

Someone who listens to me

Someone who makes me laugh

Someone who makes my knees weak every time he comes into the room and with whom I have mind blowing sex

Someone who values me

DP is all of those and he makes the brews and brings me chocolate.

What's not to love?

NewYearsDaysie Fri 24-Feb-12 14:44:41

Someone who helps me and supports me in achieving my goals. DH has expressed concern over my weight after I brought it up (health NOT looks before any of you step on the how dare he band wagon) and he has joined me on the eating pattern and exercise.
Trust, laughter and the ability to relax and ve yourself around eachother.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now