Do we give up too easily on marriage these days?

[lostlilly]

some of you may have reads my threads a few weeks ago but had some problems with DH last 12-18 months and have been seriously considering leaving. we have been 'separated' for last few weeks, living in same house as cannot afford to leave but separate rooms and really not much time 'together' at all. I have been missing him alot and suprised at how affectionate we were without me realising it and dd absolutely adores him, he IS a good dad. This morning he said I need to 'grow up and work though this instead of walking away and ripping ours and dd's world apart'

[mamsnet]

Don't know enough of your personal story to say but in general, I think we probably do give up too easily on all relationships nowadays..

[paisleyleaf]

I think I sort of think the opposite. Not that we give up too easily, or that it's too easy to divorce - more that it's too easy to get married, and we sometime perhaps make a commitment to someone too quickly (be the commitment marriage, mortgage, children, whatever).

But i think you might be asking something else more personal to your situation.
Do you want to know if we agree with your DH that you're giving up too easily?

[msrisotto]

I dunno, I see grandparents who got married very young (without a whole lot of thought going into it) and are still together BUT they put up with a lot more. Like 'wifely' duties and being subservient, it's easy to be happy if you're the bloke being waited on, and it's easy to still be together even if you're being treated like crap by your husband if your family and the rest of society would ostracise you for splitting up.

Also, I know my grandparents went through an 8 YEAR bad patch. That just blows my mind.

[lostlilly]

erm.. I guess in as small a nutshell as possble, we have had alot of trouble from his ex which has resulted in me now not talking to his family and vice versa, he has suffered badly from depression and did get pretty horrible for a while and a year ago I went out, got very drunk and had a ONS, shortly after I discovered he had been having a 'friendship'/ Emotional affair with a much younger woman for almost a year and shit hit the fan and we split up.
All in all stress, family worries and financial worries have all built up and we fell apart under the pressure.

[littleearthquakes]

Not sure - is it more that people aren't prepared to spend their lives being unhappy now?

We always said we knew we'd have to work through times when they were tough, but what do you do when one person doesn't want to talk about it at all?

[mamsnet]

It does sound like these problems might be surmountable though..
Do you still respect each other?

[thedollshouse]

In general I would say that yes we do give up on marriage too easily.

Years ago dh and I were going through a rough patch and I was actively encouraged by lots of friends to end the marriage. It wasn't that didn't like dh they just felt that I had married too young and thought that if we were having problems so early into our marriage that we would be better off apart.

The friends I have now are the opposite to my old friends and they are all mature enough to realise that every relationship has its ups and downs and work through their problems.

Divorce is very high in my family and I have been surprised at some of the reasons my family member have given for ending their marriages.

One decided that she hadn't had enough time as a single girl and asked her dh if he would wait a few years whilst she did the whole flatshare thing with girlfriends and went on shagfest holidays.

Another said that her husband had aged. Well so had she!

And a common theme was boredom. I think a lot of people these days have unrealistic expectations and expect their marriage to be like a hollywood fairytale once the reality of day to living, financial problems and the drudgery that comes with having children comes along they assume it is a problem with the marriage and don't work at it.

[lostlilly]

didnt get married until 28 and very much knew what I was doing, still think the world of him, I'm just sick of stress that seems to come 'with' him and do feel like I want to break free, but mainly from his family really, not necessarily him

[Butterbur]

I agree that people seem to get divorced for trivial reasons sometimes. And on MN, it seems even worse, with people baying "He's a twat. Leave him" when he's forgotten to do the washing up or something.

If you and your husband think you still have something, and are both prepared to go for it, I think you should, for the sake of your daughter. As long as one party is not expected to make all the compromises.

You've certainly both got a lot of baggage now, and I would've thought you'd need outside help.

[countingto10]

Do you still love him ? That's the most important question. As long as there is no violence/abuse or maybe addiction involved in your relationship, then I personally feel that most things can be sorted out/overcome. A bit of couple counselling will help too.

[littleearthquakes]

thedollshouse that is the most positive lovely post I've read in a long time and has seriously made me think about my relationship - you've voiced things I know I've always thought but have clearly lost sight of.

In my case I think I get bogged down in the right now in every sense of the word, rather than what has been and therefore could be again

[lostlilly]

I did try couple counselling and he said he couldnt do it, talking to strangers etc and they were not very complimentary of his family/ex-which is fair enough . He said he is tired of being stuck in the middle of me and his family and the pressure of it all is making him ill, (which it was he was on anti-depressnts). I said I think we would be happpier in the long run if we split up and I have stuck with that now for the last few weeks and this morning he broke down saying he loves me so much and his daughter and I need to grow up..... as I posted eariler

[lostlilly]

I have seen people split up and bitterly regret it which scares me. I know that he is a wonderful, intelligent and caring man but we are quite different and I do long for that big, close,supportive extended family. Which I did have with a long term ex of mine and really miss. I hate that his ex has ripped us all apart and that she will never go away because they have a child together. Bu I also now that at my age, anyone I meet now is likely to have children /ex wives etc although they may not all be like her.

[countingto10]

Does he think you need to grow up re his family/ex ? or re your marriage ? Was he have the EA during the counselling ? If he had an OW in his head at the time of counselling, it wouldn't work anyway.

[lostlilly]

he admits his family have behaved very badly and his ex is a nightmare and understands my reasons etc but says that there is nothing he can do about them, he cannot make them dissapear or undo what has been done, which is true. WE had about 3 counselling sessions together and I had two more alone, they counsellor basically said to me 'what exactly are you getting from this marriage'? and he refused to go after that saying that they were suposed to keep us together not basically tell me to leave

[countingto10]

I think sometimes with counselling they are trying to get you to look at things differently, my counsellor said to me that "I had to decide how much I am going to put up with". Fortunately my DH worked out that she was trying to change me and my outlook etc, by saying what she said she was "firing a shot across the bough (sp?)" of my DH, putting him on notice if you like. If I changed, then either my DH would change with me or we would part. It was almost changing how I reacted to everything. My DH behaved very badly (including having an affair) and she obviously thought there was more hope of me changing than him and she wanted me "right". Does that make sense ?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

lostlilly having read your other thread, I think some of the issues that need resolving are about how you deal with conflict and problems. I'm going to be a bit blunt, but I think you operate from a child ego state.

You were feeling neglected, so you had a ONS. You discovered an EA and demanded a separation, but when your H didn't agree, you moved into a separate room but told no one about the split. You thought briefly about going to live with your ex (is this the one with the lovely family, I wonder?) instead of the more grown-up option of leaving properly, or staying and committing. Perhaps your H also feels you need to grow up a bit?

That is not to say he is blameless. An EA or affair of any sort is the very worst way of sorting out problems in a marriage. He also sounds like he wears the victim shirt very comfortably, blaming his ex, his family and you for all his life's woes. I don't know your back story about why his ex has caused so much trouble - did he replace her with you?

If he wants to work on your marriage, he should go to therapy with you. I think you both need some help resolving conflicts as adults and in turn this will be a great example to your DCs.

What your therapist might tell you is that you are locked in a dance - and that both of your behaviours need to change.

[lostlilly]

Kind of makes sense. I guess I just want to know that if I did leave and divorce etc, that in a few years time when my daughter asks me those questions, I now that I did the right thing and tried hard enough to save our marriage? I did feel this morning that I do still love him and I am far from certain about all this.

I think there are some people who stay married who clearly shouldnt and in this day and age thats silly but fundamentally I think we have a good relationship-as 2 people go-make sense????
Can I live with or more to the point 'live without' being part of his family?

[DONTtouchMUMMYSpecialJUICE]

why do his family/ex give you so much hassle? did you meet oh when he was with ex? were you OW?

or was he split when you met?

why are you comparing your oh and his family relationship to the one you had with a previous LTR?

how would you feel if oh was comparing you to how life was with his ex? its same thing?

and was his EA a result of your ONS? did you make any effort to talk with him and talk through your ONS , or did you not want to , and this led him to finding someone else to discuss it with?

maybe he wants to talk to you not a counsellor.

[DONTtouchMUMMYSpecialJUICE]

x posts with wwifn

[lostlilly]

Yes the ex is the same ex that had a lovrely family but nothing is going on there and I never went to stay with him.
I have tried to talk to him, he wont talk, he bottles it up and drinks which is annoying and immature in my eyes.

I met him when he was single although very involved with his ex because the child was then a baby. 'she left him' and then as soon as he found someone else 'me' regretted it and spent many years trying to get him back by trying everything to answering the door naked on contact visits, texting me pretending to be him finishing with me, accusing me of abusing their child, running away with his child for four months and blackmailing him never to see him again unless he left me .......HORRENDOUS!

[lostlilly]

god when I start thinking of all her behaviour it just makes me realise how much I want to get the hell out, but its not HIM! is it

[SanctiMoanyArse]

Lostlily if you take oiut the bit about ONS ? affairs then you're not dissimilar to where DH and I were 8 years ago tbh.

What we found was that once we had sorted the really abd stuff- DH got help for his depression, etc- it was missing each other that was a key factor: we were both trying to show the other how hurt we were never seeing each other and tearing each other part in the process. In act, after trying to get him to leave for months it only took a day together with no kids or anywhere to be and we were golding hands again; it was a rocky road back up but it started there, and now we're pretty happy (usual run ins obviousloy) and have 2 more kids. We've also elarned that not amiing time leads to rows.

Do i think people give up on relationships too easily? It varies: some people don't run half fast enough, putting up with all manner of shite. Others pack it in at teh first sign of hurt, these people seem to have such a high expectation of mariage that it's almost a joke; the first step ig developing a good amrriage IMO is being realistic about what mariage emans- and it means some rough patches (NOT DV / affairs / addiciton etc).

[SanctiMoanyArse]

Oh and with us it was DH's Mum: she was a severe issue with family, really hated me. However he has been able to cut contact (his chjoice). Bit different with you but you should agree on some boundaries and then when his child is an adult there will hardly be any times when contact is necessary- weddings, etc not much more. Hold on for that if you cn.

[itsatiggerday]

My gut answer to your question is yes, we do. But more fully reading your further posts, if you think there is any chance of getting your relationship back together then you need to give it your best shot, for your own sake as well as your daughter's.

Having said that, there are clearly some significant ongoing issues and I agree with some above that external counselling could really help both of you. It sounds like previous experience was interpreted as a bit one sided on the blame, I would have thought (but have no experience) that a basic premise of counselling is that it's unlikely ever to be entirely one sided blame in a relationship. Maybe you both need to agree that going in.

Sounds like the ex is really hard, is there a legal agreement in place now? How old is the child now? Old enough to have a say in seeing his father? Maybe there are some objective ways to manage the manipulation there and get you both feeling like you're supporting one another in partnership rather than pulling you DH in a different direction than everyone else is. Not sure what the probs are with the rest of his family but ultimately if he's saying he wants to make your marriage work, he needs to make that clear to them too.

Hope you are doing OK and not feeling too overwhelmed. I have been advised before not to make any major life decisions while feeling completely floored - maybe that is good advice for you for the time being anyway.