I wish his ex would take him back, leopards and all

[cloudylemonade]

I'm a regular, have name changed. For over 2 years that I've been on MN I have given advice, laughed and cried at your posts but now I only feel numb. I really don't know what hit me.

I have a toddler and am nearly full term pregnant, Dh has been distant, travelling loads for work and done his own thing when at home (gym, sleeping, ebaying, drawing, by himself).

I felt something wasn't right, espesh one evening when he was on his blackberry messenger and I asked him who was on the other line. I had a bad feeling and persisted I wanted to see it. He told me I was paranoid and it was work. At 11pm , making him smile

After the last biz trip I put his media card into my own bberry and have found a handful of pictures from 2 women. One is fully clothed and looks a bit like me, the other is a total pig but there are more of her, some taken by herself, some by another person. One is in a bar with her legs apart and no knicks, one only in underwear showing her tats. She's a fat dirty blonde and I am seriously as to why my H would keep pictures of her.

When he came back to the car I hit him in the face with my backhand and screeched at him, not my finest moment I admit.

He was married before, 2 kids he hardly ever sees. His ex (who I've met) prefers it that way as we live abroad and she's happy with a ew man (long term relationship, great guy from what I can see). He told me he had cheated on her twice in the marriage because she wasn't interested in him, preferred the kids, etc. She wasn't on his level he said, blah blah..they didn't want the same things.

So off he went. Moved out and started divorcing. Fast forward we meet at work. All going jolly well. Then we marry, move abroad, have a baby and now I'm here. IN EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION AS HIS EX, only one child is still a bump and I watch history repeating itself.

Are you still with me?

The blonde minger is a girl from work he says, he took me to his work place that night and I rifled through his emails. A few flirty ones but nothing outrageous, the other is a colleague abroad, engaged to someone else just sending pics of her on hols. Oh and emails trying to be on the same flight, same hotel as my H on his last biz trip.

I have half a mind of calling his ex and telling her that she's lucky to be rid of him and can she give me advice, but I feel too embarassed.

He's away again. Doesn't even think it's really his fault. Says I'm all mumsy, not paying him enough attention, I don't work with him anymore, our babies come first, he's sick of nappies, he's sick of the rut.

We have my mum who's looked after our child more than enough, we had at least 10 great WE's away since she was born: London, Hong Kong, Paris, Beirut, etc. I go to the spa 2x a week for mani pedis, blow dry, etc. I look after myself, I cook, put lingerie on, give head, etc. Though not much sex (2xmonth) as horrid pregnancy and now a huge bump.

I feel so and empty, I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to try and continue pleasing someone who obviously wants very different things from life.

I could rat him out to his boss over these two girls but I'm not sure. Please, what would you do? I cannot talk to anyone in RL for fear that if I end up staying with him they'll remind me of this constantly.

[cloudylemonade]

Oh Eleanor, I hadn't thought of that [barf]

Something niggles me about that last trip away and I wonder if more went on with that pretty colleague. There seem to be no other emails, etc. Just a 'too bad' from her when their schedules don't match.

I really liked his ex but he's always painted her as someone simple and more interested in the kids, etc. I thought she was good fun but a bit mumsy.

Mind you, I didn't have kids then, so I can understand her now. She was mumsy becuase she was a mum [duh, silly me]. And now I am a mum and probably a bit mumsy and responsible and not all that knickerless and fun until 4 am.

I am so angry at him for doing all he wanted, leaving my baby behind so many times to go out and abroad with him, wasting my time in front of a mirror when all it boild down to is that I AM NO LONGER CAREFREE becuase I have kids and can't just drop them. I am so hurt, also for my dd. He called me names and said she is from the same scum that I am, just becuase I threatened to tell his boss about these emails and pics.

[Squitten]

This is most certainly not down to anything you have or have not done. He is a twat, pure and simple! I wouldn't bother ratting him out to his work, he'll just deny it and you'll look bonkers.

You need to show him the door!

[mumblechum]

Am shocked at his calling YOU names after the way he's behaved.

I think you need to try to concentrate on yourself and getting through the birth as your first priority. Once you've had your baby I think you should be booking a session with a divorce lawyer and in the meantime collecting any financial docs you can see lying around as I wouldn't be at all surprised if he tries to hide bank accounts etc.

so sorry you're in this situation.

[cloudylemonade]

I have forwarded those emails to my personal account. I still have the bby media card with me. He cannot deny it. We're in a muslim country, too. If they can prove anything he gets jailed and deported. And one of the girls, too. I'm just too exhausted to do anything, I worry I'm accusing him of more than he did do. Given his past I think there's not much space for doubt.

I have called him a cunt though and said he'd be worth more to me dead than alive.

Obviously a shite thing to say. I am just so how he can do it again and think nothing wrong with it.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

You poor sod.

What a nasty bit of work he is calling you names.

he is just a typical twat bloke (there are loads of them)who cannot cope with the reality of children and adulthood, and has t have the attention and silliness like a bloke in his twenties.

It doesn't seem as if he thinks he has done anything wrong.

Can you come home?

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Op, you are not to blame for this mans philandering ways.

Even if you were pissed and knickerless every eve he would still be at it and he would still try to blame you.

Get rid.

Get std check asap. Before your baby arrives as some infections are contraindicative of vaginal birth and can be passed to the baby.

[GroovyGretel]

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that men like this should have the word "twunt" tattooed on their shoulder blade as a warning.

Yes, sleep with them once and then avoid them.

I feel so sorry for you CL. Is your mum in the Muslim country too, or elsewhere in the world?

[JaxTellersOldLady]

your husband sounds like a teenager! If he is not willing to change or take any responsibility for his behaviour then how can you move forward in your relationship?

Personally I would be showing him the door, or getting my stuff together and taking the child and yourself and your bump back to UK if that is where youare from.

((((hugs))) from me too. This is NOT your fault and he is shifting blame onto you. How pathetic of him.

[e3chick]

I would start finding the financial documentation/ringing lawyers now before having the baby so that when you are running around after 2 and sleep deprived you won't have to.

If you decide to divorce he is an old hand at it and will be a step ahead of you in knowing how to try to keep assets for his.

[sowhatis]

Thats awful. I imagine you cant fly if your so far along? so going home isnt an option?

id keep him out and think things threw alot before doing anything rash.

you and his ex sound nice BTW

[cloudylemonade]

no, my mum's in europe.

gosh, i hadn't thought of passing anything on to my bub.

eleanor, i'm coming home for a 3 week stay in 2 weeks, then i'm grounded because too pregnant. i will have tests there and speak to my mum.

i am so angry with myself for believing his lies about the past.

[Mummiehunnie]

Men like him never change as you have found out, women often think he would not do that to me etc, or they believe the rubbish the men tell them as you have done much to yours and your children's pain now!

I would perhaps speak to his ex about him cheating, and get the kids to have contact etc.

At the end of the day, it may help her to know it was him and not her and you and her could have a good relationship for the half siblings sake!

What I would want to do now is work out why you fell for a known cheat who left a family once already if I was you and learn from your mistakes.

best of luck x

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I think it's quite telling that his ex wife seems like a reasonable woman, however much prefers it that he stays out of her kids life

He is just a bloke who is led by his dick, and lovest he thrill of the chase.

You and your children deserve better,.

[Rentatoast]

Hi CL

Don't want to be alarmist and jumping the gun, but I read an newspaper article yonks ago about Brits abroad and divorce.

If it comes to divorce, you'll be better off if it is done in the UK, as more consideration given to supporting women and children. One lawyer jokingly advised people to jump on a plane to the UK with their birth and marriage certificates and file in the UK first.

Not a lawyer by the way.

[thumbwitch]

oh dear - he sounds like a prize wanker and you are caught in his cycle of selfish twattery.
Getting out now would be a good thing - there is no hope with a nobend like this, not really - even if you fix it now it will happen again later.

Maintain moral high ground where you can - don't rat him out to his boss because that will get you precisely nowhere and he will just turn very nasty.

When you go home (to the UK?) - stay there. Don't go back. Start divorce proceedings from there. Make sure you take all the paperwork you'll need back with you.

So you are having to deal with this while pg as well - some men are such selfish shits it makes me mad.

[e3chick]

Rentatoast is bang on. My dp is a divorce lawyer and has said as much to me. Friends(ish) of ours recently divorced and the male side took advice and filed in their native country. She didn't want to divorce so delayed and as a result she will be shafted.
English law is much fairer.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Scheduled trip sounds perfect.

So sorry this is happening to you, and I am astounded that he didn't even try the usual 'I was just curious/nothing happened' line but went straight to 'it's your fault'.

But to be honest he sounds like he was an arse before this, if you've been worrying about your appearance and leaving your child behind to go on jaunts with him when you weren't comfortable with it, just to prove to him that you weren't like his ex. Is he quite controlling, generally?

[frikonastick]

i have never posted on one of these type threads before, but as i too live in a muslim country, my sincere advice is to go home, and stay there. seriously.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Run for the hills OP. This man is never going to change and as if anyone needs to tell you, he has been sexually unfaithful to you. No room for doubt whatsoever here.

Get tested and start divorce proceedings. He is certainly worth more to you divorced.

It is a bitter lesson that men who justify previous infidelity should never be allowed near a relationship again. There is a world of difference between men like that and those who learned their lesson and regret their choices, resolving never to deceive someone again.

Quite apart from the infidelity and the mental abuse, it sounds as though this man has got very distorted ideas about how women should be. That is, if they are not acting and looking like a porn star 24/7 and willing to have sex when he wants it, he will punish them. Pity these idiots you have seen photos of - and who are pandering to his mysogynist fantasies.

Divorce and hit him where it really hurts - his wallet.