Help - advice needed

[BooBearsMum]

I've not posted before but I am just at breaking point and don't know what to do...

Have been with partner for 5 years, and to be honest we have had a very turbulent relationship. Massive arguments, often over the most stupid things which just seem to escalate and get totally blown out of proportion.

We both have a child from previous relationships, and a 2 year old together.

We've been to relate to try and solve things - but what I can't get my head round is if the problems we have are down to me (as he always suggests) or whether he is just a total shit to me.

There is so much I could go into but the latest disagreement was Sunday - he was in the other room with his daughter - had spent most of the afternoon watching dvd with her. He came into kitchen where I was with my son and our daughter to get something and I said (jokingly) oh - hello - what's your name?.

Now he totally flipped - in a really aggressive tone started saying "are you with YOUR daughter? Are you - well I'm with mine!) to which my response was bloody hell - it was just a joke).

Anyway - to cut a very long story short - he then walked off and nothing was said but when we went to bed he said what's wrong with you? All I said was that I had been joking and thought the way he spoke to me was unpleasant. Well talk about light the touchpaper - he started yelling that i was always causing arguments etc etc - he's never been in a relationship like it. WTF? well neither have I !!!

Since then he's not spoken to me - had another argument tobight where he said that I had to stop being so argumentative and he could not put up with this any longer!

Sorry it's so long but needed to get this off my chest. Is it me? I am seriously beginning to wonder...

[malinkey]

BooBears - from that example it sounds very much like it's him not you.

[Karmann]

I can see why he took exception to that - it doesn't sound like a joke to me, it sounds like an attack. Does his daughter live with you or visit? If she just visits then there is no reason why he shouldn't spend quality time alone with her and time with all of you together.

It can take a very long time for step families to gel together. It takes hard work and compromise on both sides.

[BooBearsMum]

Thanks - I feel a bit more sane hearing that. I just don't know what to do. I'm (supposed to be started at Uni in Sep - Social Work - what I always wanteg to do) and now I feel lost. To be honest I feel like I should leave but will feel like such an idiot - 37 years old with 2 children by different fathers - what a mess...

[BooBearsMum]

Karmann - point taken - but it was honestly not meant that way - it was a joke and I also did say that straight after. This is just one example - but every time we argue - it's always my fault in his eyes - he has never once in 5 years taken responsibility for an argument or apologised to me (for anything). It's always me that has to make peace and I'm just sick of it.

[Karmann]

Maybe he's a little sensitive on that issue and it best not to say anything even in jest. However, as you are saying more about your relationship now, every argument cannot be 100% your fault.

There's no need for you to feel like an idiot, there's plenty of women with children by different fathers. What do you really want to do with regard to this relationship?

[BooBearsMum]

I just don't know to be honest. When things are good then I do love him - but when we argue I just find him impossible - and he always makes out it's my fault. When we went to relate - even the counsellor said we should consider whether we would be happier apart.

[Karmann]

So are the arguments very frequent? What percentage of the time are you happy? Do you think you would benefit from an assertiveness course? Sorry for all the questions but just trying to get a feel for where you're at.

[blinks]

i would say the comment about 'who are you?' is very loaded, so i can see why he took offence but there's a way of dealing with things and being aggressive is not one of them.

i suggest you both grow up fast or separate as to be a kid around such animosity would be potentially damaging.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Are you hanging on to this relationship because you don't want to be single? It could be that you are simply not suited to one another, hence all the squabbling.