Taken for granted?

[Sickofdp]

Have namechanged for this. Have been with DP for seven years have a lovely DS who is 18 weeks. DP has always drunk a bit too much. He works with older men and ends up having four pints after work. He claims to not like them or want to end up like them, yet has to go for a drink with them. They are imo functioning alcoholics.
Anyway DP also goes out at least once or twice per week or comes home and ignores me. I cook and clean and look after DS (am on mat leave till november) and he works. He's a really great dad and kind and funny and thoughtful most of the time. Just not when pissed.
Today he text me at 12 andsaid he was going for a birthday drink with work colleague, would be home for tea. Gets to seven I ring him, he's rat arsed. Comes home grumpy, wakes up ds, demands tea. I don't say anything as no point when he's pissed. I go to bed, he tries it on. Frankly reeking of booze and pissed is not a turn on for me so am yet again on the couch alone.
Wow this is long. If I confront him he will be annoyed and ignore me. I reallyjust feel trapped and need to tell someone how I feel. Thanks for reading.

[TechLovingDad]

He's using the older blokes at work as an excuse. Like it's not his fault.

I daresay, they make him act like an arse when he gets home, too.

[Sickofdp]

I think what upsets me is the idea that he would rather be in some horrible pub with these wrecked old guys shitfaced, than at home sober with me and ds. I feel really unattractive if I can't compete with that. You are spot on techdad.

[Sickofdp]

I think the fact that no-one cares about this speaks volumes really. Have bored myself. Can't even go to bed. Shit.

[ninah]

was he like this before you had ds? did you mind then, or is it becoming a problem now?

[cestlavielife]

you cannot change his behaviour you can only cahnge yours. time to get tough.
once a twice a week getting drub=nk and being unable to function as a "great dad" is just not good enough.

he gets drunk - dont let him home. tell him to go to b and b /hotel til sober.
get tough wiht him. bolt the door so he cannot get in.

[mamas12]

sick of
He is being a tosser and you know it.
You need to tackle him when he is sober and tell him what a turn off he is.
Sounds immature, but maybe you could sit and talk over a meal yourselves somewhere nice.

[Angelcat666]

Don't want you think that nobody cares but not sure what to say tbh.

Can you sit down with him sometime when he's sober and tell him how he's making you feel. Will he listen to you?

[Sithmummy]

I've no advice for you but I hope some of the late-nighters will be along soon.

I hope you can talk this through with your dp for the sake of your family.

[TechLovingDad]

So, as usual, he acts like an arse and you worry and worry about the whys and feel worse and worse about yourself. While he's out doing what he wants, not caring or thinking about you.

Fuck him (not literally). Next time he gets drunk, lock him out.

[Sickofdp]

It's a problem now because he's not just responsible for himself, he's responsible for ds. I don't want him having to put up with a drunken derelict parent.
Also it's a kind of phase thing, he might be ok for a few days/ weeks. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I just need someone to talk to. I'm shocked at how sad I feel. I shouldn't have cooked tea. I should tell him how upset he makes me.

[ninah]

Tell him it's not on when he's sober, and mean it
if he's as nice as you say he'll listen

[Sickofdp]

Ty all for advice, feel better for having written it down and received advice. Will talk to him tommorow. Apologies for rambling.

[TechLovingDad]

ninah is right. Wait until he's sober then lay out exactly how he makes you feel.

Not just how you feel, but how his behaviour makes you feel. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed.

If he still doesn't do anything about it then, as I suspect, he doesn't care. After all, he's not drunk when he decides to go for a drink, is he?

[ninah]

good luck sickof!

[arabella2]

hi sickof, your dh sounds like somebody with alcohol dependency problems which he has not yet faced... I don't think it's normal to get drunk twice a week and also have 4 pints after work? (Is that every evening or just the two evenings he goes out, maybe I have misunderstood). So in addition to the damage his behaviour is doing to the two of you as a couple, he is also seriously damaging his liver and health. Maybe you could also talk to him about this?
Good luck with your conversation and I hope things get better for both of you because I bet he doesn't really like getting drunk so often but is kind of stuck in a loop that might be harder than either of you think for him to get out of - he might even need some type of alcoholics anonymous counselling? Hope that's not upsetting (or true!) - just my opinion

[mummytime]

If you have trouble talking to him, remember to use words like "I feel like I am unattractive when you would rather stay out with those men than come home to me" with the emphasis on how you fell not accusing him ("how could you stay out getting ratfaced").

Good luck!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

sickof,

Was he a heavy drinker 7 years ago as well?.

You cannot change his behaviour - only your reaction to it. He is a drunkard, not a great partner or dad at all and will never be that. His primary relationship is now with drink, everything and everyone else now comes a dim and distant second.

You cannot make him go to AA unless he wants to address the reasons why he has become alcohol dependent. He has to want to accept he has a problem with drink otherwise there is no point trying to force the issue. Talking to him about his drinking is just a waste of time (it looks like you've already tried that).

He is making any excuse to drink and it sounds like he has a long standing alcohol dependency problem. Also he is mixing with like minded people. they are probably alcohol dependent as well.

I would talk to Al-anon as they are helpful with family members of problem drinkers. You are enabling him, you're also playing a role here on the merry go around that is alcoholism. You cannot help him but you can certainly help you and your child.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

[Sickofdp]

Atilla he was a heavy drinker seven years ago. I can imagine his response if I suggest he has a problem let alone AA. I love him so I want to support him but I really don't know what to do. How do you talk to someone who doesn't want to listen?

[Sickofdp]

Also thanks to the other posters for the good advice I won't attack him when I bring this up.

[IsGraceAvailable]

I second Atilla's advice - you can call Al-Anon for a talk; it might help you to sort out some priorities in your own mind. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/contact: 020 7403 0888

Good luck with your chat. He may be able to manage a few weeks off - use this time to evaluate your situation objectively.

It's quite horrible when your partner takes his attention away from his family: as you say, you're in 'competition' with the booze, and this is a contest you can never win
Do call Al-Anon! Take care of you.

[cestlavielife]

but he isnt supporting you is he?
speak to al anon...

make it clear you will support him if he goes to AA and gets help.

otherwise, you wont support him.
and that the next time he goes out to drink he wont be allowed home. fullstop. and follow thru.