Did I do it all too young?

[littleearthquakes]

I married DH after a whirlwind romance when I was 22 (we'd been together 5months when engaged, married within a few months), then had DD 18months ago when I was 24.

I don't know if having a baby has just thrown our relationship into this mess but I'm so worried I'm not in love with him anymore. As we get older (he's 2 years older than me), I feel I've changed so much and while he has too, it's more in the direction of laziness and solitariness....he just wants to watch tv or play on his xbox, doesn't make an effort to stay in touch with friends, comes across as rude a lot of the time. He's also becoming more and more conservative in his views which in turn makes me feel trapped.

I'm rubbish at confrontation, but I don't know what to do. I'm so worried all those people who said it was too soon and I was too young were right, but we have DD to consider now. I chose this relationship and this life, but I'm feeling like I'm seriously outgrowing it, but really don't want to be selfish and throw it away.

[NinaJane]

The 1st couple of years of marriage is almost always crap (mine was, at least). You are going to have to get over your fear of confrontation and have a good old chat to your dh. Lay a few ground rules. Get excited about life again. Having a small child doesn't help either, but if you are both committed and love each other, then things will get muuuuuch better.

[TechLovingDad]

Talk to him, as Nina says. Maybe he feels things are drifting too and will join you in changing them.

[CherryBaby]

I dont think its too young.

I met DH when I was 19, (he was 26) married him when I had just turned 24, and had a baby when I was 24 - exactly nine months later!

He was my first ever ever boyfriend !

Im now 26 And the first two years of our marriage have been hell! And no, a small child thrown into the mix doesnt help with the smooth running of things. There have been times where I have HATED him with a passion, but that underlying love has always been there.
You might only be disliking your DH's behaviour; not really the same as falling out of love, in my opinion.

Its been about two years now, and things are getting better, slowly but surely.

Im sure they will for you too.
Just keep working on it and talking to each other - (even if it feels like your banging your head against a brick wall at times)

[sunny2010]

I dont think there is anything wrong with getting married young. (I got married when I was 20 and my husband was 19). We have been marrieed 6 years now and I didnt suffer any problems like this in the first years.

I dont think it has anything to do with being young. I just think you to arent communicating properly.

I was married 4 years before we had a child though and she wasnt born until we were 23. Maybe that makes a difference as we had lots of years to ourselves to party.

[Northernchick]

I think marrying young for some people is a mistake.
You change immensely from your teens, and twenties, by the time you are in your late 20's and early 30's you have evolved, and you arent the same person, often your views and outlook on life is different and you have different desires and wants . If you are then stuck with some one you would not have chosen later on, its a disaster!
Why stay with some oen you dont want or love. Life is too short to just put up with things that are only 'ok', or 'so so', reach for the stars and you'll get the moon........

[waitingforbedtime]

Your age isnt the problem imo. You just need to communicate more and work from there. I will say you got married very quick which is nothing to do with age. That said, we got engaged after 8 months.

I met dh at 19, got married at 24(just) and had ds at 25. Im (just, just!) 29 now and we're still doing ok though we have had tough times particularly when ds never ever ever slept and when Im pregnant because I dont do pregnancy well.

we had a chat the other night though about things and everything is seeming a bit better.

[sunny2010]

I never understand it when people say that Northernchick. People are constantly evolving and you could say someone in their 30s changes when they reach their 40s, 50s etc.

I think if you love each other then communicate, spend time together, make sure you spend lots of time having fun and then you evolve as a team. Things constantly change in your life regardless of how old you are, its how you handle situations together that counts.

[clairebear28]

I met my now DH when i was just turned 17, he is 8 years older than me....we were together 7 years before having our DD and got married a year later been married 4 years this year, together for nearly 12...wowo that was long!

I feel exactly the same as you, i do believe that when you meet at a young age you do change alot, i am now 28 and know that my feelings, opinions everything has changed and unfortunetly what we had in common all those years ago we now dont so much.

He sounds a bit like your DH he doesnt make an effort with his friends although moans that he doesnt go out much, he is more lazy then he ever was etc, however i think he has got used to me doing everything for so many years!!!

i always wonder if im now only with him due to routine, and DD and the fact were married and its meant to work if that makes sense.
My DH isnt really a bad person, not an alcholic or drug addict, doesnt hit me etc but i do feel that were not in love anymore, that we have grown apart.

Its great to hear some people who marry young are still so happy now but i do believe people do change alot from late teens/early 20's to esp where i am now!!! i also feel that i did things to young!!!!!!

Good luck hun

x

[littleearthquakes]

clairebear it does sound very similar.

I've always had this fear at the back of my head that he was the first man who asked me, really showed a ecent interest in me, didn't run a mile when face with all my issues, but I also feel more and more trapped into the conventional, staid life he seems to want to create, compared to what we'd planned together initially.

We actually had a brilliant few years before DD and will have been married 4 years this summer, I totally agree communication is a big issue, basically because I fear confrontation too much, which is absolutely my issue which I need to address.

I had a bit of a wild teenagehood so don't feel like I missed out on that side of things by settling down young, but do worry maybe we didn't spend enough time just as a couple before DD (who was planned).

We still have an active and good sex life but I could happily go without...which is so sad

[domesticsluttery]

I don't think it has anything to do with age, problems can happen at any age.

I got together with DH when I was 20 and in uni. We got engaged when I was 23 and married when I was 24. I had DS1 when I was 24 (and DS2 when I was 26, and DD when I was 28). I am now 32, so we have been togethr for 12 years and married for 8.

The first couple of years of marriage can be a bit of an anticlimax, especially when coupled with a small child (or three). But it got better for me as time went by.

[sunny2010]

I do think the problem is having children to early on in marriage. I will definitely be advising my kids not to. I waited 4 years of marriage and 5 and a half years of being together before we had our first. It makes all the difference as when I first got married for those years we were out every night and they are some of the best memories I have.

I think the problem you have is letting things get boring. I never let myself get bored as I am always planning things for us to look forward to such as days or nights out, weekend breaks, things we can do in the house etc. It keeps you close together and we still manage to have loads of fun since we have had our child. I think as long as you have fun together it keeps you happy as a couple. I dont think you should give up on your marriage OP I just think you should talk with each other and liven things up.

[clairebear28]

litleearthquakes do you love him???? deep down do you think you love him anymore, this is what im now working out all the other stuff, babies being to young etc need not matter if you love him and want it to work.

ive had something happen last night which has made me decide i need to sort this one way or another, my first question to me is do i love him.....if you do really deep down love him then its worth talking trying to get him to see how you feel and to see if he can get out of the rut he has got himself into

x

[littleearthquakes]

I don't know to be honest clairebear, it's too too sad to admit but I suspect not, but I don't know if that's just me being so sad about it all in all honesty. I look back on what we've had together and it has been brilliant for so much of the time, but the last 6months-1yr has been a real struggle (the baby stage was obviously a struggle but we got through it), I would love for those memories to be the reality...we had a weird argument last night which was the result of poor communication but as I was apologising all he could do was scream at me "shut the fuck up"...doesn't bode well does it?

We do try not to let the relationship get boring, we just bought our first place but what should be exciting creating a home together has become me effectively doing ti all because he's so disinterested. We try to go on date nights a few times a month (though childcare is always an issue). I really try to encourage him to go out with his friends, see his colleagues after work, come out with my/our friends, we see our local families quite often...but he's always dismissive and gets 'bored' (well, boring people get bored don't they?).

I just don't know, I feel very tired and can't help thinking is this it?

[littleearthquakes]

actually...it was "just fucking shut up"...nice