DH is chubby, or is it my perception? Don't know what to do/say

[TheElephantInTheBedroom]

Dh has always been fit, healthy and sporty - played rugby, went to the gym and ate well.

Over the last 18 months I've noticed he's been slowly putting on weight. He's got a bit of a belly and some rather definite and unattractive man boobs. He's also given up sports, I have to fight to get him
to the gym and he's eating more, and it's less healthy food - lots of cheese, processsed salami stuff etc.

I need perspective on this because I had/have an eating disorder so I know my judgement on this isn't going to be that accurate. I know he's put on weight and to me it seems a lot, especially when I compare him to similar height men, although he always was fairly bulky it was muscle not fat.

I sometimes look at him and don't find him attractive any more and it's starting to affect our sex life. I'm quite petite and he tops 6 foot so I find myself getting squashed if he's on top which is a bit of a turn off, but I can't say anything (hence the name!) so I find myself making crap excuses not to have sex.

Anyway he knows he's put on weight, he's not happy with himself, which is dragging me down because I'm very susceptible to people with negative body image, and it's affecting his confidence. I've tried telling him
he looks fine (partly true), that I still love him no matter what he looks like (true) and it doesn't matter (not sure if that's true or not). But he won't do anything about it. He continues eating rubbish and doesn't exercise.

He has a sedentary but demanding job so I know he's tired at the end of the day but I've spoken to colleagues wives and they all day there's a gym at work to use or their DHs go for a run mid-morning?! I just don't want him to be like my dad who also had a sedentary job, loved good food and had a massive heart attack

I can't even work out my own feelings about this but it's really becoming a big elephant in the corner if our relationship and I want to get it straight before I tackle him. And I want to do it in a sensitive way without hurting his feelings too much because it's horrible to be told you're fat and I don't want him to get a negative attitude to his body/food, I just know he doesn't love himself at the moment and that's a big thing.

Sorry for the epic, but dies anyone have any perspective on any of it for me? Even if it's just to say it's my issue!

[ArseHolio]

It is your issue. Your DH can be whatever weight he wants to. His weight isn't your job to police it, your not his mother.

[Slashtrophe]

Could you suggest doing something together? Badminton or cycling at the weekend? And just don't buy stuff, as Riven said.
And you could ask him if he's unhappy about anything.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I come at this from the perspective that making oneself unattractive through weight gain, lack of hygiene or what ever the problem is, indicates a lack of investment in the relationship. It is so different from weight gain after an event like an operation or a pregnancy. Put simply, it is complacency, which is pernicious to relationships and breeds resentment, that other noxious mind state.

Your feelings are valid because you feel them. It doesn't mean you love him less, but you do find him less attractive. Your perception is not skewed if his old clothes no longer fit and he feels heavier when on top of you.

The difficulty for you is that any comments directly related to his weight could be bargained away by him as related to your dysfunctional relationship with food and body shape.

So I'd come at this from a different angle and have some conversations about how invested he is in your relationship. Whether he is "giving" to your relationship and making efforts to keep the spark alive, or whether complacency has crept in.

[HippyGalore]

I think you would be better off talking about your health concerns and the lifestyle parallels with your dad than talking about his weight directly. He will also find it easier to dismiss comments about his weight if he thinks it might be your issues - then if you bring up health it just looks like another tactic. So start with the health and how you are scared of history repeating itself, that is a more loving approach than finding him unattractive. Good luck!

[mumblechum]

If you're in charge of the shopping and most of the cooking, you can, as Riven says, make a big difference.

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

so what would we all say if the op was a man talking about his dw? I think he would probably be flamed.

[Earlybird]

Can you pinpoint when/why he gave up exercise and started eating differently? Your post seems to indicate it was 18 months ago approx. Why was he eating better/exercising previous to that? Why did things change?

Regarding speaking to him: I think you would be wise to focus more on the negative health implications of his new lifestyle rather than whether or not he is physically attractive.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Did anyone mention possible depression? Lack of oomph and comfort eating could be symptoms. Increasing stress at work maybe?

[TheElephantInTheBedroom]

Please don't flame me. There's a reason I didn't put this in AIBU!

I know I have a very messed up relationship with food, with body image and with weight and it might be partly my fault because we don't have scales in the house becuase of me. Whilst I do do the bulk of food shopping/cooking I can't control what he eats during the day and when he does the shopping he buys absolute junk anyway. I really don't want to be the food police and, as Aresholio says, I don't want to be unreasonably motherlike controlling which is why I need the perspective.

If I were a man I hope you'd be giving me similarly sensitive advice! I am genuinely worried about him but because of my own issues I don't know how to bring it up and it's all messed up in my head. I just don't know what's triggered it or why he's putting on weight, whether it's increased eating, the lack of exercise or a combination of the two, and what's triggered either or both.

He gave up rugby because he went through a very busy period at work, then he started again but didn't like the way the team had changed so he stopped, then the season finished and I don't think he's going to go back but he's stopped going to the gym and it feels like he's stopped caring. He insists he isn't unhappy about anything though because I did consider depression.

Will focus on health.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

No, if I were you, I'd focus on what you've said - he's "stopped caring". I think that's at the root of it and is what needs exploring.

[stubbornhubby]

get him a decent mountain bike..

[colditz]

It's your issue. Other people are allowed to get plump and criticising them will not make them want to be thinner, it will make them withdraw from you.

Your perspective is skewed in that you think it is more of your business than is, in fact, the case.

[1pregheadpumpkin]

compacency with the way you present yourself in a relationship is surely agood thing? being so comfortable that you believe your partner will love you with a few extra pounds? the thing is, as you get older, you put weight on anyway, its normal.

my DP has got a little bit of a belly coming on and i find it totally endearing. i've put on weight due to being pregnant and the stretch marks are horrific, i'd feel totally distraught if he made me feel less attractive because of it (even though i know i am) luckily he doesnt.

i think you just have to accept that he cannot stay athletic forever and that if you love him, it shouldnt really make a difference to the dynamics of your relationship.

[lisasimpson]

OP hasn't said she loves him any less - but sometimes love and attraction aren't necessarily related.

[Undertone]

colditz - it kind of does become a bit of the OP's business when she's uncomfortably squashed during sex. What - she should just lump it?!

[TheBeast]

I did this. I put on quite a lot of weight after I stopped playing rugby in my mid-forties. I think you have to realise that for (some) rugby players, because of the adrenaline rush involved, rugby is the only really fun exercise, to the extent that going to the gym and jogging are only means to the end of playing rugby and are, frankly, incredibly dull pastimes in themselves. This means that when you give up rugby there can be a terrible sense of loss and disinterest in other forms of exercise. There may also be other issues. I had what I considered a minor and inconvenient ingrowing toenail, caused by years of having my toe stomped on playing rugby.

Being nagged about it, whether by a spouse or a doctor, just makes things worse. Making it easy to eat healthily is a much more positive approach. I started getting my weight and cholesterol/blood pressure back to normal when I managed to get the ingrowing toenail problem sorted and started eating a healthy but tasty vegetarian/lentil soup for at least one meal a day. This means that I am reasonably free to eat what I want for the other meal.

[stubbornhubby]

actually I wasn't being flippant about the mountain bike.

The Beast is quite correct about the adrenaline rush of rugby, and thundering downhill on a mountain bike does have some of the same atractions. It's also very blokish, esp if you find some mates to rise with, so it does have some of the same attractions.

And if you get keen there will be local races etc, which are all age-grouped so you compete with other fat gits men your age and enjoy the competition of rugby.

Triathlons are also good as you get older - mixing bikes, running swimming is good for older knees/hips and tri means buying lots of exciting expensive great value kit. Again it's very popular with the 35-50 age group and the skinny 24 yr old whippets are safely out of sight when you struggle out of your wetsuit in transition

[colditz]

No, she shouldn't just "lump it" - what is she, a sex doll?

Move. Or refuse to go underneath in the first place. There is more to life than missionary.

[Ryuk]

Definitely try other positions than missionary. I find it makes me feel squashed sometimes even with slim partners who are under six foot!

If you eat meals together, try to make them healthy, but don't suddenly go into a 'we must only eat salads!' (I exaggerate, but hopefulyl you get what I mean) phase or he'll probably feel pressured.

Maybe try to find some sort of activity or sport that you could take up together.

Let us know how it goes.

[MrsSawdust]

Going slightly off topic here but my dh has put on weight and I notice it a lot during sex, although probably the least in missionary.

I notice it mostly in side by side position, which has actually become impossible due to the size of his tummy preventing our lower regions getting anywhere near each other. I also notice it when I'm on top, because it feels like balancing on top of a beachball, and I struggle to get my knees onto the floor either side of him.

Hope that wasn't all TMI

But the thing is, although it does affect our sex life, I actually agree with colditz and arseholio. His weight is none of my business. My weight is none of his business. We love each other and want to please each other in the bedroom whatever size either of us is.

My dh was very supportive / non - judgemental / no pressure to change towards me when I came out of pregnancy a size 20. When I did lose the weight, it was for myself and on my own terms. I extend exactly the same courtesy to him.

[Coolfonz]

I carry too much weight, in my mid 40s, can't do the same exercise (football in my case) as I used to. Like some nice food and a wine.

If you were my missus I'd be well disappointed in you.

You can't make a joke out of it? You give that big a shit? You only have one sexual position? I'd be pretty gutted all round.

Your bloke is in his mid-40s not mid-20s, get used to it, he ain't gonna be in his mid 20s again...my missus doesn't look the same as she did when she was 27 when i met her 13 years ago either...tsk...

[TechLovingDad]

I agree with coolfonz's point, though I might not put it in the same way.

My wife works long hours, is tired most of the time and wants to see me and our dd in the evenings. Yes, she could go to the gym, as could I, but she'd rather spend time with us. She doesn't like how she looks either, but to me she's always as gorgeous as she was when we first met. I don't care about her lumps and bumps.

Also, if he was playing rugby, I imagine he was quite big so he'd have been heavy when on top of you anyway.

If you want to have some control over what he eats, buy more fruit and veg and less processed stuff. Blokes, generally, will eat whatever is available, without much complaint.

[secunda]

I think YANBU. It's not just the attractiveness that's bothering you, it's the health aspect as well. And it's fair enough on both counts. I want to be as attractive as poss to DP, and will take his opinion on a lot of things. Your DH does sound like he needs some exercise as he is currently getting none, and that's not good for you. I'd focus on the health thing rather than looks when discussing it with him. Also, the more exercise he does the more energy he will get