I know I'd be better off without him but I just can't let go or give up hope

[littlecritter]

We're talking about separating but also talking about trying again and I just can't decide what I should do.

I still love him and DP says he loves me but is not "in love" with me. Maybe I have driven him away as I have had some devastating personal problems in the past few years and have been difficult to live with; taken out a lot of frustration on him, I suppose. The spark has gone.

We've been together 14 years, love each other(?), have a DS age 9 and I have two older children. There's too much at stake to just give up now, isn't there?

On the other hand, I am so unhappy with our relationship because he absolves himself of responsibility at every opportunity. We never talk. He would be happy to come home every night, watch tv and drink beer which is what he currently does. All decisions, big or small, come to me. I have to choose if we split up just as I have to choose what's for dinner every night. Sex is a big problem and money is an even bigger problem. I resent him and am in danger of starting to hate him.

I've asked him what he wants and he says he doesn't know and I'm giving mixed messages because I'm so confused too. He refuses go to Relate but I am on the waiting list for individual counselling. I've reached breaking point now and feel physically ill, can't eat or sleep. Please help me get through this.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Presumably you're not in love with him either, OP?

However, when a man says he is not in love, it very often means he is, but with someone else.

Likewise, if he says he "doesn't know" what he wants, it very often means he does know, but doesn't want to take responsibility for that choice.

What's been the catalyst for this current crisis? Why is sex so bad?

[FrogInAJacuzzi]

I'm not an expert on these things, but it sounds like he wants out. He's one of those cowards who won't man up and wants you to make the decision on this as well. He will probably carry on stone-walling you and generally being thoroughly odious until you can't take it anymore. Then when you give him the boot, he can turn around and say it was your choice.

[littlecritter]

I think I am in love with him. We are really good friends and I still find him very attractive even though he's overweight and losing his hair. My heart still flips when I see him and I'm so sad to think he doesn't feel this way about me.

Sex just doesn't happen or it's very rare. He isn't interested and I've been so exhausted because of all the other crap that's going on in my life. We've drifted apart.

About 6 weeks ago I told him I thought our relationship was coming to an end as we were living like friends and I wanted more than that. He seemed shocked but didn't pursue it. We drifted on until a week ago when I lost it and told him to leave. He agreed without any fight. I think he's had enough too. In the cold light of day I had a panic about the reality of being a single parent (again) and the hurt it would cause our DS and asked him if we could try again. He said maybe we should but that I had said some hurtful things which made him think about things.

I don't think there is anyone else. He has a close frienship with a woman at work but she is also a friend of mine as is her husband. He says he isn't seeing anyone else nor has he felt inclined to.

[littlecritter]

Frog - I fear you are right. Except he isn't odious at all. But if I hadn't brought this to a head we would probably still be together in another 20 years because it's not in his nature to instigate anthing. This has been played out in other areas of his life too.

[breakfastfairy]

Hello littlecritters, your situation has some similarities to mine. My husband has been odious to me since last summer, takes no interst in me, if I ask for money which unfortunately he controls completely he more often than not swears at me even though he has plenty of money his own company etc, he told me when I confronted him in January that he doesnt know what he wants, he wants to split up and cant say if he loves me, however like the other mnetter said he has done nothing about it, I have now given up and dont speak to him either except about our 7 year old daughter. It breaks my heart for my daughters sake, but I cant stay with him if he clearly doesnt love me. He is a fairly non communicative person and can sulk for days whihc I always detested. I think it will be down to me to move things ahead, he still sleeps in the same bed with me, I asked him to move to another room but he childishly said, "you move" ! He comes home 9 ish from work, eats dinner and watches tv till late. I have no idea what is in his head !

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

OP, sorry, but I don't believe what he is saying. I think he's been trying to get himself "sacked" from the marriage.

You might be amazed to know how often women in your position blame themselves for why their marriage has become lacklustre, when so often it started with the H, usually because of some other pull away from the marriage, like an affair.

Close friendship with a woman from work, you say? It's obviously crossed your mind that he might have feelings for someone else, because you asked him. Unsurprisingly, he denied it, because he doesn't take responsibility for anything, does he? Much better to blame you for the hurtful things you've said and all your recent problems. Is he saying that's why he's gone off sex too?

It wouldn't be the first time an affair happened with someone who was pretending to be a friend to the marriage, either.

I should be on bloody commission for how many times I recommend this book, but go onto Amazon and buy "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. This might cause you to hyperventilate about what has been happening to you.

[littlecritter]

You're all right. I know you are. So what do I do now?

I can't even contemplate the thought of him in another relationship so I just can't explore anything like that right now. I'm not strong enough to cope with it. Either way, the relationship is in deep trouble. I know that.

If I tell him to go then he has got what he wants and I get all the guilt. More guilt, more problems to add all the other crap I've got going on.

I feel like playing him at his own game. I'll be little miss perfect partner then when the time comes, I'll shit on him from a great height.

How can I talk like this yet claim I still love him? I'm going mad.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

You feel like you're going mad, because you are being "gaslighted". If you haven't come across it, google it. It really messes with your head.

So, do you think you've been in a bit of denial about what really lies behind this?

You're probably stronger than you think. Information is strengthening, not weakening.

[littlecritter]

It has crossed my mind that there is someone else. I told him this but he denied it. I told him I wished there was someone else then I wouldn't have to blame myself. He said there were faults on both sides. That's true.

On a practical level I just don't see how he could have an opportunity to meet with anyone.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

He goes to work, doesn't he?

[littlecritter]

WWIFN - can I just ask why you are so sure there is something going on? I so want to believe you are right. I want to be angry with him. Mind you, I have every reason to be angry about other things like his reckless attitude to finances etc etc. But betrayal would be on another level.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I can't be sure. I'm just picking up on what you say and reading between the lines of what you won't say, until pushed. And affairs are like a script I'm afraid. The people most likely to be unfaithful are those who never take personal responsibility for anything, too.

Your posts have got a whole bunch of red flags:

He doesn't want sex with you
He's got a close female friend at work
You've been interacting terribly with one another
He's blaming you for that and you're accepting of the blame
He never takes responsibility for anything
He won't talk to you and gets involved in distraction activities when at home
He says he's not in love with you
He says he doesn't know if he wants the marriage to continue
He won't go to Relate - this is partly because a trained third party would see right through this.

I've never seen the above combination and it hasn't been an affair, I'm afraid.

[littlecritter]

Thanks. What now?

[littlecritter]

I will destroy myself by trying to prove anything is going on and I might just be wrong.

I just want out of this misery but why should I take all the blame? But if I wait for him to go I might have died of old age. I don't think he would ever have confronted the problem. If he doesn't love me why is he still here?

[littlecritter]

And I'm not deluding myself that he still loves me, I'm just wondering why would you stay with someone if they just don't do it for you anymore?

[Anniegetyourgun]

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such a cliche, in the context of cheating partners, it's even made it to a book title, hasn't it? That, and being able to pinpoint a time when he started to get moody. The rest of it could otherwise have been him just getting middle-aged and slobby.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh, I see the book isn't about that... there's this article though searchwarp.com/swa440090-I-Love-You-But-Im-Not-In-Love-With-You-Anymore.htm which is quite interesting.

The answer to "why does he stay" is likely to be, as WhenwillI and Frog say above, he doesn't want to be the bad guy who ran away from his wife and children. That, and you do his laundry, and divorce is expensive.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

There's too much about blame going on here. If you want out of the marriage, it doesn't mean you are to blame for its demise. You are simply the one who took the responsibility for ending it.

There are some contradictions in your posts too, which I think is indicative of your confused state of mind. You say you love him and are in love with him, but think you want to end the marriage. I suspect what you mean is that you want the marriage to continue, but you want things to change.

It won't destroy you if you go looking for information. It might however destroy your mental health further if you keep thinking your marriage has hit the buffers because of your behaviour and his withdrawal. Perhaps you've been thinking that you behaved badly and then he withdrew, whereas it might be that he withdrew and then you started behaving badly, out of fear and confusion.

I suspect when you said he should leave, you were expecting and hoping that he would have been horrified and upset. His reaction has stunned you and knocked you off balance.

What should you do? You've been met with a denial about an affair of any sort, so no more questions of him about this. So you try to find out through other methods, such as his phones and E mails.

[littlecritter]

Actually, we're not married. But I have left him under no illusion as to his financial position should we split. I am financially ok but he is atrocious with money. He owes me several £k, I have paid off my share of the mortgage and he has a huge credit card debt. I told him I would be going for a 60/40 equity split minimum. His share would just about pay off his debts (that I know of). He would be left with nothing and I would have a 4 bedroom detached house with a fairly manageable mortgage which I could pay off with cash if I so wished.

You might think it odd that our finances are so completely separate but if I didn't control it like this he would have pissed it up the wall by now.

You know, if I was reading this really would be wondering what this man had going for him!

[littlecritter]

WWIFN - Yep, that's about the measure of it. I thought he would think: shit, I'm going to lose her here if I don't sort myself out but he just said ok and I was absolutely floored. Still am.

I do love him and I want us to be happy again. But the choice I have got is separate or put up with a loveless relationship. Which is no choice at all.

[AnyFucker]

It is clear to me you need to end this relationship and give you both the opportunity to find a better fit with someone else

Although I agree with wwifn, I think he has done that already and is just waiting for you to push him away so he can be the good guy

I would bet a lot of money and him "meeting" someone very quickly in the event of a split

Let him have what he wants. You know the truth...you are miserable. That is more than enough justification to end it, IMO

[littlecritter]

I am miserable. I resent him for so many things. It's like having a lodger with none of the benefits.