Newbie: reluctantly ended an affair but not sure if i love DH

[MakingAMess]

Oh what a mess...

I am new on here but have seen others post similar things and get some amazing support and advice... I'm not sure I am entitled to any support given what I have done, but it seems others have done similar, and I am now soooo desperate that I will give it a shot.

I have been married to DH for 6.5 years; we have 2 kids aged nearly 4 and 16 months. I have suffered from depression since the eldest was born.

I am now doubting everything about my relationship with DH but I know I loved him at some point. However, even before we were married, I was obsessed with another bloke (my boss at the time). Nothing happened at all - I never talked to him about anything and nothing happened in spite of us travelling across Europe together widely.

Anyway I married DH and had 2 kids with him, feeling increasingly disillusioned over the years. When I went back to work last Sept, I started talking to my boss (via email - we don't work together) and before long, we were mailing all the time. Eventually, the inevitable happened and our relationship became physical.

OM is 11 years older than me, married (terrible marriage - in process of getting out of it), with grown-up kids. He has driven the length of the country to see me most weeks. He absolutely adores me, and I love him too.

Meanwhile, DH and I have been going to counselling to try to see if we can work on our marriage. All the time I have been seeing OM behind DH's back...

I have tried to tell DH that our relationship is over, but he is mad angry and insistent that he can make me happy and all I need to do is be more positive and see all the happy things we have had together. He has said he will change, do all the things I need, be around more, be nicer to me, treat me like I deserve etc.

Meanwhile I just feel like throwing myself under a train - the thought of staying with DH for the rest of my life is unbearable. But how can I leave him when he is so angry and has said he won't co-operate over the children and will fight me for them.

I have ended the affair (only on Monday this week - so I am going through an intense period of withdrawal). All I want to do is call / email the OM, but I know I must not do that.

I know it is possible to fall back in love with your DH if you have fallen out of love. How do I do it? I'm not even sure I want to - in fact, I'm fairly sure I don't. But I need to try...

[celticfairy101]

Depression is a well known libido killer. I would recommend you contact your doctor about how you feel after the birth of your second child.

'OM in a terrible marriage' is a pathetic excuse and a red flag. Definitely a bloke you should avoid and well done for getting out of it.

I also suggest couple counselling, if only to pave the way for an amicable separation.

Whatever you do please seek professional help. All the best.

[MakingAMess]

celticfairy - thanks. i am under the GP for my depression and have been on meds for years (reviewed frequently).

hubby and i have also gone to counselling together - since feb in fact. counsellor (whom i have seen separately a couple of times as she has been so worried about my depression) has told me that i will remain depressed while i am in this marriage and that it is literally killing me. however, i haven't told her about the affair as i feel i can't while DH and i are seeing her together...

[Anniegetyourgun]

Before I hand out any sympathy I do have to take issue with you referring to committing adultery: "the inevitable happened" is a pathetic thing to say. It was not "inevitable". You decided to email, you weren't working near each other, he even had to drive the length of the country to meet you. So meeting wasn't easy let alone inevitable, and then you had to, what, book a hotel or something? as you can't have shagged in the street. You made it happen. Fate didn't decree - you chose. So no more of this "it just happened" nonsense. You always have a choice.

OK, about the marriage. You are depressed and of course it is very hard to see the positives in everyday life; it drags the joy out of everything. You have two small children, which is demanding however lovely they are, plus you work - I imagine this is quite tiring. And of course the fact that you fancied someone else even before marriage can't have helped you to bond with your husband.

BUT: there's the odd clue here that you may be unhappy in your marriage for more reasons than one, or even more than two. Alarm bells rang when you said:

"he is mad angry and insistent that he can make me happy and all I need to do is be more positive and see all the happy things we have had together. He has said he will change, do all the things I need, be around more, be nicer to me, treat me like I deserve etc."

He is angry that you want to leave - if he loved you and didn't want to lose you, wouldn't he be sad rather than angry? All YOU have to do is be positive, suggests it's your fault you're not happy. He will change... from what, to what? He will treat you like you deserve - doesn't he already? There's a lot of talk here about how things can be different, which there wouldn't be if there was nothing wrong in the first place other than long-running PND, would there?

Obviously I don't know you, nor from the little snapshot you can give here do I know very much about your situation. I definitely agree with CelticFairy that you should talk to your GP about the depression, as if it was PND it really should have lifted by now and you may well need some help. If you have but it hasn't helped, consider different medication or even a different GP! Also look into getting some individual counselling for yourself. About the couple counselling, actually I'd say probably drop it for now as it's unlikely to be helping, and if what I suspect is true, it's currently a bit one-sided. When you feel stronger and more in touch with what you want you can go back to it, and that's when it may be helpful for the amicable separation if that is indeed your choice.

Meanwhile do keep away from OM, however much it hurts. Maybe when all this is sorted out you will both be free to be together, maybe you won't or won't even want to, but for now it just confuses the issue and absorbs the energy you need for recovery - and possibly for a fight to come.

Just a little note: if he's going to fight you for the children, the court won't in general look kindly on that. Co-operative co-parenting is the ideal. If you offer a very reasonable compromise, like joint residence, or at least generous access, they won't rule against you in favour of an angry punishing ex. They wouldn't take affairs into account when determining fitness to be a parent either, except in extreme circumstances which don't sound anything like yours. Nor would your depression weigh against you as long as it's properly controlled, but your H will try and tell you that you are mad and unfit. They always do #sigh#.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Ooooh, your counsellor says your marriage is keeping you depressed, good for her. That IS what I suspected. Just go straight for my last paragraph then, and find yourself a good solicitor!

[MorrisZapp]

Good advice from annie. There's nothing in your post to suggest that there's much worth saving in your marriage.

It is very unlikely that your DH would win full custody of your kids if that is what you're afraid of, although he would presumably have access etc.

Please don't stay in a marriage to avoid making somebody angry, that's a truly crap reason to be with anybody.

[Anniegetyourgun]

SGB has useful things to say about the role of affairs in letting go of unhappy marriages. No doubt she would find it significant that the OP did not get up to anything with the tasty boss, despite opportunity, until AFTER marrying and spending a few years in the company of the unpleasant-sounding H.

[Coolfonz]

MaM - You are a first for me! Congratulations

Normally on MN relationships it is the men who are utter pricks. Not this time

[MakingAMess]

wow - no wonder people rave about this website. you truly are amazing and incredibly insightful - given the bare bones of details i provide.

thanks for the rollicking - annie. yes, i know it was a bad choice of phrase. inevitable it was, because i did nothing to stop it. and because i wanted it. which was of course wrong. i know that. i knew it at the time. and i knew what i should have done then was to walk away and have nothing to do with him any longer, and i did try but not hard enough. so i ended up in a relationship with him that i chose to have and did nothing to stop.

re: the marriage. i don't know whether there's anything worth saving. i don't want to get back to what we had because that is not enough for me. for a long time the marriage has been devoid of any love and affection. DH says he still feels it for me, just has never really shown it (he admits it). but for me, it isn't there and hasn't been for a very long time.

so if i stay in the marriage, things have to change fundamentally. and i know that is a big and unreasonable ask, because all that will happen is DH will end up feeling resentful and out of control. but he says he wants to do it because he loves and adores me.

what do you say to a man who says he loves you and wants to make you happy when you know you don't love them? his anger when i told him i was leaving was extreme. he will not accept that i feel the way i do - will now acknolwedge that i am fundamentally unhappy with the relationship. blames it all on PND colouring my view of the past. but having had a very real 'thing' for another man during the period of time when i was preparing to marry my DH - that's not PND colouring anything.

you have all now said what my mum, dad and counsellor are saying. however, i cannot leave this marriage yet as i need DH to accept that it really is over, which he will not. and i need to be convinced that i have tried everything i can to make it work, which i have also not done as i have been too busy being in love with another man.

this was never in the script for my life as i saw it. what a mess...

[Coolfonz]

Yeah, poor you.

Still, you're getting fucked by your boss, not all bad.

[celticfairy101]

Please MaM don't beat yourself with a big stick about this. You've tried counselling, have been responsible regarding your mental health and really your options are now:

a) chat to your husband and tell him you're giving it another go. If nothing postive has happened at the end of the trail period (this is usually a year), then you both must agree to separate.

b) decide that it's best all round for you both to part and co parent.

For now you're going for a) but you must want it to work. And I get the distinct impression that you will approach it with a heavy sigh and a leaden heart.

[MakingAMess]

i'm glad i am ringing the changes for you coolfonz!

oh and annie - it's not the same boss. i obviously have a thing for men in authority.

i have just asked my boss's boss to transfer me to another group - which she has literally just done (just received email confirmation). the new boss is a 60-something woman, so perhaps i will be safe this time.

i have just spoken to OM as well - he called because he had seen the email about my change of job and wanted to know if i was happy about it (he hadn't been consulted obviously, which is a bit bad really, but i am pleased!) and whether he wanted me to tell the rest of our group that i was moving. i kept it short and didn't respond to his questioning. fortunately he didn't press anything. i am grateful for that.

[Coolfonz]

Ive got two kids yeah. Felt a bit shit yeah.

So I shagged my secretary. Don't really like my missus, think im like all that depressed stuff yeah.

So we did some counselling (so it makes me feel like im trying at least) but then i drove 500 miles to bone the hell out of my secretary, but what could I do, i've got a car and sat-nav.

When i told my missus i didnt love her she was really pissed off.

Why isn't my life like a Shirley Temple movie? I'm so sad poor me.

[MorrisZapp]

Ignore this idiot^

[Coolfonz]

Yeah I'm an idiot and the OP is a really poor women shagging her boss while going to counselling!!

Come on ladies...if the OP was a fella?

'Depression'? Per-lease. You mean narcissism.

[Coolfonz]

Sorry, should be shagging her married boss.

[QueenofDreams]

I do have to wonder why you married your H when you felt so strongly about someone else? Didn't that ring any bells, maybe tell you that the marriage wasn't the right move?

[proudnsad]

god you're attention seeking coolfonz, and adding nothing to the discussion.

OP - what celtic said

[Coolfonz]

Heheh, yeah I'm attention seeking. Just saying if the OP was a bloke he wouldn't be given the time of day.

Let's see...

I had two kids with the missus. Had an affair with my married work colleague. Ended it. Trying to save marriage, poor me. Got a thing about fucking women in authority. When I told the missus i wanted to end it she was really angry and said she loved me...

Not sure why OP is different to the normal response...pls explain.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Put the dodgy ciggies away Coolfonz, you're usually quite helpful even if I don't agree with you, but here you're being nasty for no particular reason I can see.

What would we say to a bloke in this position? We'd say stop having an affair and sort your marriage out first. What are we saying to this woman? Why, fundamentally the same, is it not?

There's a difference between people who do the wrong thing (who among us hasn't?) and people who are fundamentally bad/unpleasant people. The OP comes across as someone who's made bad choices and is the one who's primarily suffering as a result. If you see another human being drowning in a pit, do you offer a hand up, or do you stand at the edge berating them for having jumped down there in the first place?

And btw her husband DOES sound like an arse, but then of course we only have one side of the story. We only ever have one side.

[MakingAMess]

it's a point of view - and a valid one. there are two sides to every story, and mine is not a clever story.

i'm not looking for sympathy, and didn't actually expect any. there has been a lot of understanding in your replies, which is actually fairly amazing given what i have been doing...

it has taken me 6 months to end the affair (although i have tried to do it several times before and failed because i didn't want to do it badly enough). now i realise that i actually do need to work out if i can fall back in love with my DH, even though actually i probably know the answer to that question myself. i can't do it while my head and heart are full of another man, that's for sure. that's why i posted on here - to find out whether anyone knows how to do that...

as for why i married DH when i had been obsessed with another bloke? i suppose i thought it was just a mad obsession and that it was just me being stupid and pathetic and worrying about 'settling down'. i actually left the company that i was working for to get away from the boss because i knew that i couldn't stay working for him with the way i felt about him. but that option isn't open to me now, given that i have 2 small children and work part-time. finding another job in this area in today's economic climate is not easy, but i have been looking.

i have done the next best thing and moved groups, so at least i have no reason to email my boss. given that he lives in the NE of england and i live in SE wales, i have very little reason to see him either, unless we both happen to be in the same office at the same time, which is fairly unlikely - although not impossible.

[Coolfonz]

Don't shag a married man - like the poor guys' wife, does she get a look in? - while doing counselling. For six months.

and you had a kid with a guy you dont love 16 months ago?

nice.

[flowergirlbelle]

Hi, I had to reply because I have been in a similar situation to you. It is a very painful time at the moment and you won't know what you should be doing for the best. The only thing that made me start to get my life back on track was a separation. I couldn't think with the him being around me everybody saying different things. Your head says something very differently to your heart. My DH wanted to do counselling but that wasn't for me.
After a few weeeks apart we were able to see more clearly and what I was so close to losing. Everyday is still a battle with my own feelings especially as I have to still have contact with the OM at work, but I got over him and manage to build the bridges with my DH again. I realised why I fell in love with him in the 1st place. When you have young children, life just revolves around them and routine. Break that routine and take time out for yourself, get a new interest (I took up pole dancing!) and go out as a couple.
But 1st you have to decide if you do love him, because if you don't then you really don't have a future together.

[commeuneimage]

I don't understand why you are giving up your lover if you love each other.

You don't love your husband. And I don't believe that once you have fallen out of love with someone you can fall back in love with them again. At least, it must be technically possible, but extremely unlikely. I don't see how you could make your marriage work, particularly as it was never that good in the first place.