Have buggered up my marriage

[Iamcrap]

Some history first:I've had a hard life until I met Dh (was 31). I had a very abusive childhood followed by a crapulent ten year relationship where my then fiance subtly undermined me at any opportunity.
I decided to make a fresh start and moved away whereupon I met my now DH. We've always got on very well togther and he has been a great husband however he is quite ordered, negative and anxious whereas I tend to be the more disorganised 'gogetting' optimistic extravert - which is fine - the balance has always suited us.

Anyway, we have 2 kids (one only a small baby) and the other was diagnosed with a serious medical condition. I was quite depressed after having the baby and then the diagnosis for the other child tipped me over the edge. I was crying all the time etc.

In the middle of this I managed to get accidentally pregnant and have had a termination. I now find myself feeling very angry with DH. He pushed me more towards the abortion as he said he didn't think I was coping with 2 kids, never mind 3. (We have no money and no help at all as we have no relations nearby). I felt so sick with nausea and tiredness and so overwhelmed that I thought it would be for the best.

Now however I feel really angry with him. I think he didn't want the baby (fair enough he is entitled to his feelings) but I could have been persuaded to have it. I just didn't have the energy to cope and needed him to be the strong one. He wasn't.

Our marriage was always the good thing in my life. The thing which was good and pure. Now it is no longer good. I will always wonder about the third child. I don't know if I can ever have sex with him again. it feels wrong and dirty somehow. I feel I have failed as a mother and as a decent person. I have told him how I feel and he thinks I am being unfair. He said he didn't want me to suffer any more than I already was and we simply have no room/cannot afford/have no emotional resources for another child. We had only ever planned for 2. (All true).

Anyway, how do I bring my marriage forwards after something like this? I know he loves me a lot. I love him too but I feel that he really really let me down. I needed him to be strong and he wasn't.

By the way, I've told him all this. He wants us to move forward but we don't know how. Also counselling is out of the question as I have no childcare and no one to help.

Sorry for rambling on.

[HappyWoman]

Think you need some professional help tbh.

I think all your feelings are understandable - but then so do your dhs.

Good luck - if you do have depression and it sounds as if you do you will be seeing things very differently so do not make any major decisions just yet.

[QSincognitoErgoSum]

I did not want to read and run, but I hardly feel qualified to opine on this, it is very sad.

However, you both felt it was the right decision at the time, and it probably was.

Can you go for some councelling alone, while your dh looks after your other two children?

Have you thought about your dh? Maybe he did not feel he could cope with three children, including one with a medical condition, a new born, and a depressed wife? You say he is a good and caring husband, and you might have to recognise that he might not have been able to cope either.
Sometimes it is hard to be the strong one.

When our youngest was a baby, I had bad spd, and pnd, and the baby was diagnosed with Asthma. I was exhausted, sleep deprived and depressed. My dh was also depressed. Our gp told me, and added, "there is no way your dh will seek help for his depression, you have to carry the burden of both your own depression and his".

When you are in a more positive position in life maybe you can plan another baby? Not to replace the one you lost, but for the sake of the new baby?

I think losing a baby is always hard, and emotive, whether it is by choice or not.
My heart goes out to you.

[Slashtrophe]

www.careconfidential.com/

I found this - it is one of a few charities who offer pregnancy/abortion/post abortion counselling - they have a phoneline so you could talk to them that way if you can't get childcare? As this is there area maybe they can suggest something re childcare?

Marie Stopes is another one

HTH

[Iamcrap]

I don't think I am 'depressed' in the medical sense of the word. I am angry with the world - angry that we have no family support and very angry about my son's medical condition. I am angry that these factors led me to feel that there was no choice for me but to have a termination. I think Dh is actually depressed and moreso now as I have been taking out my misery on him. Slashtrophe thanks for that link. Phone counselling might be an option.

[Surama]

What a horrible situation, I am so sorry all this is happening to you.

Perhaps your DH felt he was being the strong one by suggesting a termination. If you'd've needed to be 'persuaded' to have the baby and he was so scared for you anyway, then the strong thing would not have been to try to get you to have it, especially if he didn't want it himself.

I think seeking some counselling is a really good idea. You are both dealing with such a lot, sharing the burden with a professional can only help.

[Surama]

(relate do email and phone counselling too btw)

[Iamcrap]

Counselling will not happen. We have 2 kids at home and he is at full time work with no holidays left.

[HappyWoman]

I once read that depression comes from supressed anger so maybe the fact that you are able to state that you are angry may mean you do not suffer from the depression.

However you do need a way to get that anger out - and not 'punish' your dh.

I found out that my way of dealing with stress is not the same as my h - sometimes it is hard to learn that the person you 'assume' is your rock is not the best support for all situations - but that is not to say they are not a good person and a good partner in many other ways.

Hope you find way through this together - but try not to be too hard on yourself or your dh.

[Surama]

www.relate.org.uk/phone-online-counselling/index.html

Getting some of this out to a third party might be a massive relief.

I too have everything invested in the happiness of my marriage (or the happiness as I percieve it), it's my refuge, duvet, solace. If you can both get your feelings out in a 'safe space' then it could clear the air for rebuilding your closeness.

An ill child, a new baby, a termination with all the emotional and hormonal horrors associated with it, not having any family nearby and an unhappy past are all reasons to be upset in themselves, let alone all together. Be kind to yourself.

[MsHighwater]

Another way of thinking about depression is as anger directed inwards against yourself. I think you might well be depressed. In the circumstances it would be surprising if you were not.

Notwithstanding your childcare issues, I think you must seek professional help of some kind. Start by making contact with some of the organisations already mentioned via phone or email.

Don't give up without trying.

[Iamcrap]

Thanks. I am feeling a bit better today. It coms and goes. I'll see if I can get some phone counselling.