How can I ask him to leave to give us both some space to think.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

We are incapable of speaking to each other about our relationship in a calm reasonable manner.

I'm fed up with always being in the wrong, no matter how hard I try. I'm fed up with his mood swings.

It's been a year since we almost split up, I thought we were both trying so hard to make it work but, again, over the last while I feel it's me trying to make it work while he talks to me how he pleases and acts how he wants. I'm always biting my tongue and trying to keep the peace because he says I'm overdramatic and it's always 'oh poor timdi', and I don't want to be that way.

His parents are away this week, and I'd like him to stay at theirs for a few days. I'd like some space to think and breath. I also think it may make him appreciate what he has here if he's away from it. If I suggest this though it will just cause another big fight and he won't do it.

I need a way of being able to ask him to do this that enables us both to stay calm.

[helicopterview]

This sounds like a really stressful situation, Invisible.

You shouldn't have to bite your tongue, you should be able to speak your mind and be heard. Otherwise you are not being you - you are pretending to be someone else. That's no way to live your life.

Seems like you have been talking at each other, but perhaps not agreeing over better ways to relate?

Having some time apart can be really helpful to calm down and gather your thoughts.

If he won't leave for a few days, could you?

Do you have dc's?

Have you thought about couples counseling to help you figure out whether to stay together, and if so, how to improve things?

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

He wouldn't consider counseling. I've tried to suggest that before.

We have 2 sons- 8 & 10. They've just started their school holidays, and I have next week off work, so I suppose yes, we could leave. But the only place we could go is Pil's house (none of my family nearby and I wouldn't bring them into this anyway). I wouldn't feel happy just letting myseld in to their house and living there for a week without asking though, whereas dh could. I don't want to phone and ask mil if we can stay there as I don't want to spoil her holiday worrying about whats happening here.

He's gone out- no idea where- blaming me for causing a fight as I tried to tell him why I was upset with him.

I know I'm not perfect and there's so many things I must do to upset or annoy him, but I know that this is not how a loving relationship should be.

[helicopterview]

With dc's you should stay put in the family home anyway, to maintain your right to the home if you end up separated.

If he won't talk, maybe write down what you want to say to him, and ask him to read it when he gets home?

Maybe reassure him that you are not asking him to separate, but just have a set and agreed number of days apart.

It sounds like you do need couples counseling. You need to calmly tell him that without it you will separate - encourage him to see it as essential, not optional. If he wants to work things out, that's the only way to do it.

So difficult if he won't cooperate.

Do you want to stay together? Does he?

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

Yes I want to stay a together. We have some really good times as a family.

He's still not back. Half hoping he's gone to his mums, but really don't want her to be upset we're arguing just before she goes away. Also he has work in the morning and took nothing with him so guess he'll be back at some point.

I know he'll come home wanting me to apologise for my 'attitiude', and then I'll get upset again. I've tried writing it down beforee, but nothing seems to get through to him. He always just says I'm being/ have been out of order and need to sort out my attitude.

This is why I want some time to think. Am I'm being too sensative and expecting too much, or am I being reasonable in expecting him to put a bit more into our relationship?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Couples counselling my arse! Sorry TIMDI but your H is a bully and thinks that he is the 'person' in your household, and that you are an appendage to him. THink again about what you hae described - him saying that everything would be fun if you would only shut up and obey him.
It;s not that you are failing to 'get through to him', it's that as far as he is concerned, what you think doesn't matter, because you haven't gota penis and you are in fact his property and should just accept that. ANd obey him.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

He came home after I was in bed last night, and was gone before i got up this morning so no chance to try and talk.

Thanks for the replies. Sgb yeah i do feel he's being maniipulative at times-going in moods whenever I try to talk to him then being lovely when things are going his way. It's not like this all the time though which is why for the most part i try and shrug it off when it does happen. Sometimes thoough he really hurts me with his lack of thought for my feelings.

Theres just been too muxh recently and i need a break from it. The thing is though this has happened before. I reach breaking point, we end upp having a huge fallout, talk about splitting then decide we need to try harder for the boys sake, alls fine for a while then it just starts on a downward spiral again.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

sorry loads of typpos. Am on my phone.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Didn't this fucker beat you up or smash your computer or something a year or two back? Apologies if I'm wrong but I'm sure I remember you posting something he'd done that was seriously unacceptable.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

yeah he threw my laptop on the bed while i was lying on it. He bruised my arm last year too, that was the decisionn maker in us splitting then but we tried again for the boys sake and he's never let his temper get that bad again. It's the moodieness and the reluctance to talk or listen. It can't always be my fault.

And i know i've been told on here before to leave but it's not as easy as just walking out. When it's good it's great and the boys worship him and vice versa. I want us to work and i think maybe a bit of time apart will get things back on track again.

[AnyFucker]

It is a sad relationship that needs time apart to make it work (or rather for your raw hurt feelings to fade after being abused....)

You are in an abusive marriage, OP, and the sooner you accept that, the better

I am sorry

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

we talked. He apologised for being thoughtless even though he didn't realise he was being. I apologised for overreacting.

I told him how i can't talk to him because of his moods- he asked for examples but i can't tell him exact days times or what was said. So i have to tell him next time he's doing it. Alot was said. My head really hurts. Anyway he's not going to go to his parents. We've agreed it's resolved just now.

I don't think it is but after talking i'm wondering if i really am blowing it all out of proportion and being too sensitive. Am going to have an early night. My head is thumping.

[AnyFucker]

well, that's sorted then

Get some sleep, and have another think.

You are not over-reacting just because he says you are.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Sorry but this man is abusive. He's not sorry when he's thrown something at you, scared you or made you cry. He just waits till you've calmed down then does it again the next time you cross him. The idea is to keep you thinking that the only thing that matters is his wellbeing, that you need to be constantly on the alert so as not to cross him or be too slow in indulging his whims.
Couplecounselling won't work BTW. Why not have a chat with WOmen's Aid or a read of the website?
Wishing you strength and good luck.