Do you feel "good enough" or just permanently in need of improvement?

[arabella2]

I ask because the latter is how dh makes me feel, especially at the weekends. There is a teacher at my dcs school that I have a crush on (and I suspect I am not the only one) whose biggest attraction (though I know him only a little) I think is that he is accepting. Of course as my dd's teacher he is not going to turn around and criticise me, but in general he is kind to everybody.
It's probably wrong of me to compare dh and object of crush on to whom I can project a lot of good qualities, but I spend most weekends fantasizing about leaving dh and sinking into powerlessness and apathy. I have an issue with being chaotic - some rooms are in a mess and there is a lot of sorting out to do in the house. Almost every weekend dh will make comment after comment to me which vary in nastiness from very to just being very negative, to the point that I then sink back in to myself and become a shadow of my real self. I used to argue back a lot but there is little point in doing that because the argument then escalates. I then feel like I lose the will to do anything because dh (while justified in finding the place somewhat messy) will ALWAYS find something to complain about. In the middle of the day yesterday I spoke to one of my "mum" friends to whom I generally only speak to during the week and felt a lot better for a while, and it's then that I realise that everything would be so much easier and more positive if dh weren't such a negative critical character .
During the week, conversely, we get on alright, both going about our business and talking to each other mainly about what the kids have been doing.
There is a lot I want to change both about the way things happen at home, routines set up with the kids (of whom there are three, they are 4, 6 and 8) - for example how much tv we all watch, and myself (I'm 41 and feel as if I look it!, need to lose a little weight, sort my hair out, get my teeth straightened (been wonky for years and wonder why I don't just do something about it if it bothers me so much)).... but more than anything I want to feel happy. I don't know how other people feel in their marriages, I'm sure they don't all feel excited all the time as you do when somebody you find attractive is around, but I'm sure a lot of people don't feel as I do that they need to do a million and one things better in order to be ok. To be honest I'm fed up with it. So when dd's teacher is around and I get this feeling that how I am is enough or even interesting, then I realise that that is how I want to feel in my or a marriage, not how I feel now.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Ah... When I saw your thread title I thought the answer would be quite straightforward. Instead I won't answer the question just yet.

I used to live with someone who made me feel that I was never good enough; that I was constantly in need of improvement in some way or another. It grinds you down. It makes you unhappy and it makes you believe that you do need improving. The thing is, though, that if someone (ie your DH) doesn't feel good about themselves it's tempting to point out what they see as the issues with someone else in order to make them feel better about themselves.

When I split with that man he spent about two hours listing my "faults" but said at the outset that he didn't want to hear about his. I can't believe I let myself be spoken to like that. If anyone tried it now I'd laugh at them and leave.

I don't think a long term relationship is ever going to be wall to wall excitement every day (although Malificent might be along to tell you differently ) but I think you should be happy and content with each other. Obviously the lovely teacher has reinforced that things should be different at home...

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Oh, and to answer your question... I usually feel better than "good enough". I think I'm rather special although, for the first time ever (and I'm nearly 45) I'm unhappy with my shape. That tummy has to go - and it will be gone in two weeks time even if I do have to live on steak and salad for a fortnight (yummy).

[Anniegetyourgun]

And er, how much tidying up does your H do when he's home? Don't tell me: he works hard so keeping the place tidy is the woman's job, right? Right...

For the record that is NOT what a marriage should be about. It's making a better life together than you could make apart. It's pulling in the same direction. It's supporting and caring. It's giving a shit about the other person's feelings. Maybe, just maybe, your H is stuck in bad habits, perhaps learned from his own parents' dynamic, and could be snapped out of it with some heavy duty counselling. Or maybe he is just an arse with a huge sense of entitlement and 0 empathy.

Btw it's quite possible this cute laid-back teacher actually goes home and knocks his wife about, you know. You'd be surprised how commmon that is. On the other hand there are nice, easy-going, supportive men in the world. How hard would it be to set yourself free to meet one?

[IsGraceAvailable]

Ahhh. My answer to your title question is Yes, in spades, but I'm now improving by the week - and am starting to find myself rather lovely!

What your H is doing is wrong on every level. It may just be a bad habit on his part, or he may be incurably negative & controlling. Only you know that. What I can tell is that he'll be doing to your kids what it's done to you and me ... shattering their self-worth, and giving them an unremittingly glum view of life.

If you have asked him to change his attitude, and supported him in trying, then I strongly recommend getting his negativity out of your family. Everybody deserves to be treated with respect - it's the law! More, everybody deserves to be treated with love, care & appreciation by their own family.

[arabella2]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think his behaviour is part habit and part nature as one of his brothers used to sound a lot like him (we don't have much contact with him any more) - and I think the dynamics between his parents might not have helped as his father left when he was 15 and was an alcoholic prior to that so that can't have been a bed of roses for anyone in his family and apparently wasn't.
Dh is much less negative with the kids than he is with me, in fact not at all - he loves them dearly and is very affectionate. Occasionally he can be short tempered with them or might say something that I would have said differently but generally he is lovely.
I too have contributed to the state of my relationship with dh today, but that doesn't change the fact that he is often critical, negative, sarcastic and complaining with me.
Don't really want to talk to him about it as he will simply tell me about the state of the house and also somehow I want to be detached from him and talking to him about such matters would imply that I want to be part of his web which I don't- if that makes any sense. In any case I don't like the way he expresses himself during "arguments" - I find him too "aggressive" but I think that in his house his brothers and sisters were all used to talking to each other in this way.
As regards the housework, dh does work hard outside and also from home as he is self-employed and see a lot of it as my job, but on the other hand he often cooks at the weekend and will mop the floor sometimes (not that it often gets mopped!). I suppose the thing that I find annoying is that when I am putting the kids to bed he rarely fills the dishwasher with the dinner stuff. I think he might do more stuff but his big gripe is that there is too much clutter in the house which I suppose there is.
That's all really. If there were no kids I think we would both move on quite naturally at this point (and probably should have done so long before having kids) but on the other hand we would have so much more time for each other that maybe we would be getting on a whole lot better. I just think that the world is a big place full of interesting people and I want to meet some other people to share my thoughts and emotions with and that I'm sure the only option open to me cannot be to be with someone whom I have withdrawn so much from. Same goes for him, it is possible that he would be much happier with someone else. However cannot imagine how awful separating would be so hence the status quo. Dh is also 12.5 years older than me and I now feel as if he is in a completely different mindset to mine which may be unfair.

[Bonsoir]

I think you ought to type out a list of all the improvements you (not your DH) would like to make to your life - you have listed quite a few on here, but don't impose any limits at all on them.

Then organise the list into an action plan, by category. And just get going.

I would start by getting a skip to help you declutter.

[bananalover]

OMG OP...you are me...house a mess, disorganised, always trying to improve things because I always feel that everyone else is leading a wonderful, organised, perfect life....not true though.
We are ALL thinking the same thing, that other people have better lives.
I have had my teeth straightened, botox, fillers, laser treatment. It will not make you happy...believe me.
Tell DH if he is not happy about mess, he can always grab a duster and do it himself (blows raspberry).

[PotPourri]

what bananalover said (altho I havent had things done). Tell him to clean up if he's bothered!!!

You need to tell him how the criticism makes you feel. and you need to make it clear what you wwant him to do in the house

[arabella2]

Thanks Bonsoir, bananlover and potpourri - you are right Bonsoir, I need to start actually making some of the changes I want to make. The trouble is I get kind of down at times and then things seem kind of impossible. Glad I am not the only one with a messy house bananalover however the problem here is that dh hates mess, probably because his mother is very frugal and tidy and I gather his ex wife was also very neat. I will tell him what I would like him to do in the house Potpourri, but I have to sort out some of the clutter first as there are one or two rooms that really need sorting out.
Thanks everybody again.

[bananalover]

i have just spent 2 hours solid sorting out my DD s bedroom. she is only 3 so i dont know where all the crap comes from.
Now ,because i have nowhere to put this stuff, its all piled up in my DS s room....so now i will spend all evening sorting that room out too.
best of it is for past 2 hours my DH has been sat on his arse on FB, and is now lying on his fat arse watching footy.
He could at least offer to pick kids up from school...men, they moan about mess but do sod all to help!

[arabella2]

Hi bananalover, missed your message, yes they (gross generalisation I suppose but who cares!) do seem to be able to complain endlessly about other people without thinking about their own behaviour... in my case dh thinks I make too much of a meal of some things (lying with two younger dcs at bedtime for example) and I'm sure that is one of the reasons he doesn't see that (putting the kids to bed) as real work and therefore wouldn't begin to think that maybe while I am doing that he could fill the dishwasher. He is however a total workaholic and in a way, apart from the kids, doesn't have much pleasure in his life as he never does anything for himself like go swimming for example, which he used to love. Must stop now before this turns into another essay.