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Holiday dilemma..will it make me feel worse, should I cancel?

(19 Posts)

Have posted this in the mental health section as well.This may sound like a small problem but it's really worrying me.

Split from husband in March 2010, he's with OW.Devastated. Married 20 years, now getting divorced. Got 2 dc aged 18yrs and 11yrs, who are with me.

Last year booked 2 holidays for myself and daughter(H never came on hols with us and ds too busy with A levels to join us). H total nightmare on holidays anyway, complains about everything.

Okay, had the first holiday in May, beautiful cruise round the med. Before I went I was coping very well, back in work, going out evenings to dance and aerobics etc. The holiday set me back, full of honeymooners and people celebrating 50 years of happy marriage. Made me wistful, depressed and I cried quite a bit whilst on it. Took me ages to get over it when I got back home.Still not over it.

So, I've got another holiday booked for October half term, me and daughter. Ds at Uni so doesn't get that time off. Don't know whether to go or not?

I wouldn't hesitate to cancel, BUT, it cost about £1100 and if I cancel, the cancellation fee is £630 (easy jet flight, so no refund). The holiday itself is all-inclusive. Haven't paid it all, theres's about £350 to be paid by 24th July, after that date there's no refund, Paid by direct debit.

So if I cancel at least I'll save some money, but it does seem a lot to lose, but don't want to experience what
I did last time.

I realise now that I was going on holidays to get away from my abusive H to relax and chill and now I can do that in my own home, so don't need holidays anymore.

Will it tilt me over the edge to go on this holiday or will it be worth going as a last holiday? Definitely won't be able to afford holidays after the divorce, so it will be the last one...don't regret that one bit,no more packing or hanging around airports...bliss!

Tootlesmummy Fri 25-Jun-10 07:07:31

I'd go, I know it was hard the last time but that was the first one since the split.

As you say you can't afford to go away after the divorce. I'd try and think about where you're going and then to come up with a plan for each day and make the most of it with your DD. Given she's is only 11 she would probably love it.

I know it must be hard but hopefully you can look at this as the start of your new life.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Besom Fri 25-Jun-10 07:10:18

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time of things.

I tend to think that cruises are likely to be full of honeymooners/second honeymooners whereas a normal all inclusive type thing would not. Where is it that you're supposed to be going do you mind me asking?

It's possible that you may have gone through the grieving at some point anyway, with or without the holiday as a trigger. It would only be natural given what you have been going through.

I think if I were you I would be tempted to go but not have too high expectations of it. Just think "I'm going there to read my book and spend time with dd."

On the other hand if you really can't face it, don't go just because of the money. It's only money.

Take care whatever you decide.

mumblechum Fri 25-Jun-10 07:12:45

I'd go as well. Assuming it's not another cruise, hopefully there won't be so many loved up couples. As it's half term there are probably going to be lots of families, with the parents grumbling and hissing at each other to remind you what you're not missing wink

Thanks for the replies. The holiday is in Turkey, staying at a new Hilton, near the beach, 7 swimming pools, sounds lovely on paper.

"parents grumbling and hissing at each other"... smile......married life! Good point.

saggyhairyarse Fri 25-Jun-10 07:58:49

Personally I would go, for your DD if nothing else (assumming she knows about the holiday and is looking forward to going as well).

This sounds like more of a family holiday than a romantic holiday but don't let that put you off either. When we were away last year the family next to us were the coupleschildren from previous relationships and their own children and a chap with his GF and her kids.

Also, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and whilst you can avoid these situations you will have eventualy have to go through them.

pinemartina Fri 25-Jun-10 09:31:50

I am going to Turkey with 4 dc's and a 12 week old baby, a week from today for a fortnight.

The holiday was booked last year ,fully paid,same issues with refunds.

We had such an "idyllic" reunion - me and xp,this time last year,that we took my 4 dc's to Turkey where he presented me with a ruby "eternity" ring during a beach party - lovely speech about how happy I 'd made him etc..

Returned - pregnant with baby -and booked for this year, straight away....

Well thanks to MN, I "woke up" from the fog of his abuse,and finally got rid of him when baby a week old.Not seen or heard since....

I have been through agonies,dreading the sad feelings and loneliness I could feel,back there without the romance and my "soulmate".

But,like you,there will be no more money for holidays in future.My dc's are so excited and can't wait to go and would be so disappointed if I cancelled.

So,I have spent a lot of time and energy imagining us there,having a great time and "blocking" the thoughts about xp - at least ,the romantic,soppy ones.I am on MN on and off all day ,every day ,as I feed baby and have found posts like yours,and the responses,really help to keep me focussed on why I am here,now.

It's not easy.I do feel sad for baby,and for the loss of my dream.BUT since it was a dream,and xp is after all an abusive git and liar,I am determined that he will not get in the way of us enjoying our holiday - or any more of my life.

He would certainly have made it a tense experience -at best-if he was still around..

Having spent the money and got this far,I hope I can enjoy this as much as possible.

Oh ,and I have sold xp's ticket to dc 3and 4's father,who will be coming too....he loves the dc's and is glad to be spending the time with them,will help me out,is good company and xp would absolutely HATE that ,of all people,it will be him who is spending 2 weeks with his dd and me.
So that's a bonus!

Sorry to hijack,I really hope you can find a way to make the best out of it.

Best of luck x

Malificence Fri 25-Jun-10 10:09:46

Go and have a wonderful time, you'll regret it if you don't.

sincitylover Fri 25-Jun-10 11:27:16

PM have read many of your posts and am in awe of you and the way you are handling things.

Hi again,

Thanks for the messages, will go and enjoy it as the last hol abroad for a while. Daughter didn't really want to go, but since I've mentioned I might cancel, she's changed her mind and is being very encouraging and positive about us having a great time.

PM, glad to hear your xp will have some grief about who you're going with. My xp will have some grief as well as when I told him I'd be cancelling, he was full of sarcasm about how sad he was that I had to cancel. So, he'll be "delighted" when he realises I'm still going.

pinemartina Fri 25-Jun-10 15:25:08

Your daughter sounds lovely!

I bet the two of you can have a lovely time together - 2 independent,positive women without that sinking feeling of what you are going back to,this time!

He'll be so pissed off that you are enjoying life!

gettingeasier Fri 25-Jun-10 16:03:59

Spiritual strangely I have just been reading your posting on glad to be a lone parent thread !
My exh left us at Christmas and I too had a really difficult time with the thought of booking a holiday for me and my son 13 and daughter 11 , funnily enough holidays was one thing that was always really good.

In the end I realised that exh would probably only fund holiday this year while he is in guilty mode and more importantly how many more summer holidays will I have with my dcs . No way did I want to look back and regret not having got my backbone sorted and done something to create memories for the 3 of us which is what we are now.

I found something very different - a weeks activity holiday in Cornwall - so there are no triggers to past holidays , very busy and tiring. Its quite small and all in and I dont doubt I will be the only single parent and I think I will be ok with that just hope dcs are too.

I think definitly the right thing to do especialy now your daughter keen to go , if you didnt you would spend the whole week you were meant to be there wishing you had gone and also you can feel proud that you have the strength to do it

Its a shame for my dcs but my exh has bottled out of booking a "proper" holiday and is taking them to his parents .This is is in spite of him leaving me and being with ow and being so much happier without me. Not the first time since he left hes shown himself to be gutless.

I am new to MN and I only wish I had known about it 9 months ago when the bombshell dropped on me that I wasnt loved anymore etc etc because like pm this site has cheered me up no end and makes me feel so much less alone in all this. Friends and family great but you dont really understand until you are in that boat.

anothermum92 Fri 25-Jun-10 16:52:01

I'd go - first holiday on your own is the hardest, second one will be easier smile you will have low expectations anyway and some sunshine will be lovely at that time of year.
When do you need to decide by?
good luck whatever you choose

I too think you should go.

Just because you can relax now in your own house doesn't mean you don't deserve a holiday too.

You've had a shit time - go and enjoy smile

potplant Fri 25-Jun-10 17:12:24

Oh just go - you could have got upset seeing couples together at Asda!

You could make this the start of a new tradition - you and your daughter having some quality girls time together.

Just back from a weekend away with dd. Nearly cancelled then thought I'd go anyway as we were going to see a show and realised I'd paid £55 for tickets, had a great time and am pleased we went.

The holiday is still on and we will be going, so thanks for the replies!

Molly333 Mon 08-Jul-13 08:30:03

Ok here goes, I've been in this position do many times. You hv to change your thinking , this is a holiday to relax not be a couple that's different . Take lots of books visit sites utterly treat yrselves , yes u and yr daughter ! Enjoy the beauty enjoy the sun . Then think about all the mums with kids and grumpy husbands and how they will be envying you, this is about what you hv not what you don't ! You hv to learn to flip negative thoughts to positive ones and then you will love life xxx

Hissy Mon 08-Jul-13 19:38:19

Zombie thread! 3 years old peeps!

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