Broody but dh not keen

[pontypandy]

Hi all, I am have really been getting broody lately but my dh just doesn't seem interested.

I don't know what to do as i would really love another family member, but dh has said in the past that just the one is enough and that he wasn't even thinking about having any kids at all but ds came along not planned and we just sort of went with it.

We are still young and have plenty of time but I don't want the age gap between my ds and another sibling to be to big.
He is 5 is sept and will be starting school so I thought this would be a nice time to start trying soon.

Also I would love a April/May/June baby.
Also I love being a young mum and still want to be young with my second.
How do I get my dh to come round to the idea.

The thing is he says because of our ds's behaviour sometimes he dreads having another one, but ds's behaviour is nothing unusual for another other 4 yo.

He also said if it happens it happens, Does that mean I should "accidentally" "forget" to take some pills.
But I really don't want to do that as that's being deceitful.

What to do?

Sorry about the essay

[LadyLapsang]

Only 'accidentally forget' to take / use contraceptive when you have said you would if you want to end up with a marriage on the rocks and ' accidentally' in the divorce courts. Talk and listen.

[Flisspaps]

Whatever you do, don't 'forget' to take your pills, like you say, that's being deceitful.

His 'if it happens, it happens' attitude gives the impression that it's not an out-and-out no though, perhaps leave it for now and raise it again in a few weeks/months. Even if you want an April/May/June baby, there's no guarantee you'd get one then anyway

[pontypandy]

no no as i said i would never do that!

MMMM yeh flisspaps thats what i thought so theres alwaya hoping.

Yeh i know but we got preggers so quick last time that i thought it would take that long this time ( i know it may not)

[diddl]

TBH he either wants another or not.

I would directly tell him you want to come off the pill & start trying.

[celticfairy101]

Tell him your not taking contraceptive pills anymore and that the onus is now on him.

If he's realistic about not having children then he obvious and logical choices is for him to get a vasectomy, otherwise he should complete his family with a second. Is he happy for his son to be an only child?

[maktaitai]

Men seem less bothered about the only child thing than women, in my experience. Possibly quite rightly (my ds is an only and dh has to reassure me on a weekly basis that we have not COMPLETELY ruined his life by not having a sibling).

Is he an only child, or not close to his siblings? Why not ask him a bit more about why he feels an only child is a good thing, if he does?

I think if he really doesn't want children, then you have to accept that one of you is not going to get what you want - he's hardly going to be convinced by the niceness of an spring baby if he found the whole preschool period a nightmare that he is just emerging from.

[pontypandy]

He is 1 of 5 so defo not an only child.
He is sort of mixed with his sibling really he is the oldest and the one after him is 5 years younger he has always got on wit him the most but that has become more in the recent years as he is getting older (hes 18 now) he treats him more like a mate to be honest.

He has a sister who is the second youngest (15 now) and he cant stand her she has adhd and can be a complete bitch she got him kicked out when he was younger cus she was stealing food and not just a little bit from the cupboard and she blamed it on him. she also said something that was unforgivable that got him into a lot of trouble but i cant go into that.

The other brother (16) not really much interaction there 2be honest.
Youngest sister (14) he is quite protective over her, i remember the other day she has a bf over and he said to him anything u do to her im gonna do to you lol.

I on the other had am a only child so i no how lonely it gets sometimes.

sorry to go on a bit lol

[maktaitai]

it may be that as the eldest he has always felt v responsible a lot of the time (like with his youngest sister!) and doesn't want more to look after?

i think the best argument will be to explain to him how you felt about being an only.

[pontypandy]

yeh i supose,
he moved out of his mums house when he was 16 tho and moved in with his dad (there he was an only)

I think cus of all the mayhem he has at his mums he liked the peace at his dads, but then im not asking for another 4!!! I have only ever really wanted 2 dc's

[pontypandy]

bumpy

[Aeschylus]

I am not interested in another baby where as dw would love another. What is so wrong with being an only child?

I think your husband choice should be respected as you have one child so it is not like you have none.

[pontypandy]

are you my dh?? lol

But yeh i fully understand that, and i am very great full to have been given my ds, but i have always wanted at least 2 dc's and my dh has known this for sometime (before we got married)

There is nothing wrong with only having the one child and it is everyone's choice how many dc's they have but i was an only child and i remember feeling lonely sometimes and wanting a brother or sister.

[Aeschylus]

and I remember wishing I was an only child!! we always think the grass is greener etc.

Esp nowadays with their friends being online with games consoles etc, it is a lot different.

my SIL has a son aged 14 who is a only child and he lives near his mates and all they do is play online over the 360.

I thought tooth and nail with my siblings, so I dont have positive feelings.

[pontypandy]

I do understand that the grass is always greener and there are many ups and downs in both situation.
But i would just like to point out that i am 21 and i had all the things that you state above.

[Aeschylus]

it could be b/c you are a girl, and dont you ladies like to be all girly when growing up, where as boys are different, not all granted.

it is a difficult one, all I do know that whenever my DW mentions it to me, I always remind here abot how I was not overly fussed about having chrildren so having one was a compromise to me, as she really wanted a child. But she forgets that, but to me it is a important point, as that was the deal, I have had it all thrown at me with regards to the benefits. Even her mother calling me up and calling me selfish and I was practically commiting child abuse by not giving DS a sibling!!

[Aeschylus]

also your DH might be thinking like this..

your child is 4, he sees a end to the tunnel, ie them going to school etc etc, and suddenly you want to reset that, all the way back to zero.Not in a bad way in the way that all are agreed that it gets a damn site easier when they go to school

That is how I would see it

[Aeschylus]

sorry got a idea lol

why dont you offer to adop a 4 year old, that way it is a good compromise and you are doing some good to give a child a home

problem solved!

[pontypandy]

thanks for ur advice aescylus

[pontypandy]

I did speak with him last night and well I don't think I have got any closer to a straight answer, but when do we with men

I didn't no how to start the conversation I was sitting on it all night hoping something would come on tell about baby's that would be a conversation starter

So anyway i took a risk and said You no what we talked about the other night, Do you want any more kids or not b/c if not I will just sell all of ds's old stuff and get some cash.

He said said "i dunno"!!!!!!
FFS all i want is a do you want more or don't you (well i suppose a dunno is better than a no)

So i started talking bring up some of your good points.

1.DS's behaviour could get better if he has a sibling to interact with
I got back "well what if DS is took rough and hurts the baby"

2.What if we have a girl she could be daddy's little princess
I got back "don't really want a girl, I wouldn't mind" (now I don't really mind looks like a opener )

3.I don't want the age gap to big between DS and another
I got back that "another couple of years wont hurt"
I then said that if we waited until DS was a teenager that it wouldn't really be a little brother or a playmate it would just be some annoying little baby that keeps him up and night.

He also said that with his job (he works 13 hour days from 6am-7pm
that he doesn't want to have broken sleep as he has to be up and 5am and its a driving job and he doesn't want to fall asleep at the wheel.
Now im not being funny but with DS he would wake up and night I would look over at DH and he was snoring his bloody head off.
But apparently he's not as much of a deep sleeper as he was when he was younger.

I may of brought up another couple of points but I think I have rabbited on for long enough
The one thing that has sort of given me hope is the "another couple of year wont hurt"
But even then its another couple of years and im broody now !!

[seeyoukay]

Your starting to sound like the local bunnys need to enter witness protection.

Your DH works 13 hours a day FFS. You can't just jump into a "I want another kid why are you not giving me one you horrible man" conversation and expect meaningful answers.

You said that your DS "came along quickly" and that he was an accident - and it can't really be both. Did you forget to take your pill "accidentally" around 5 years 9 months ago as well?

Have you ever though that its not all what you want but what you both want? Maybe he's done the 5 years of paying for you and wants you to start work so he can maybe drop the hours from 13 a day for a while.

Maybe if you offered to get a job and save the money for a few years to pay for the next child he might be more open for it.

[doggiesayswoof]

Wow seeyou, that's a bit harsh.

OP you are gonna hate me saying this but at 21 you are so young - I would listen to your DH and wait a while

I know what it's like being broody - I have 2 DC and not having any more (joint decision) and I still get broody quite often. My friend at work who is 50 and has two teenagers told me she still gets broody now and then, I think it's just being human (and female)

Actually maybe not just female - my DH has broody moments too...

My BIL and SIL had a baby last year when their DD was 9. The 2 of them totally adore each other and in a few years they'll have a babysitter for the younger DD sorted.

you've had the chat, I would honestly leave it at least a few months - he knows what you think.

[pontypandy]

Right i dont want to get into a argument but can i just set you stright on a few things.

Firstly i was just having a convostion about weather we should have another child at this stage and that did he want any more, i just wanted a straight anwser, at no point did i say "I want another kid why are you not giving me one you horrible man" It was just a convostaion about what the future held.

Secondly we were very young when our ds came along and i was not on the pill at the time and i never really thought about it and we were using comdoms and things happen, I would never trick anyone into having a child if they didnt want to and im quite that you suggest that i did that.

Thirdly my DH has only been in this job for 4 months and was prevoiulsy on the doll for 2 years so a bit of hard work wouldnt do him any harm now. When he wasnt working i suggested and tryed to get work but he wouldnt let me saying that it was his job to get a job but the thing is he never looked.
Ifact you say that hes done the 5 years of hard work paying for us in that five years he probley done about 2 if that.

Now we have got our lifes back on track and is there anything wrong with wanting another child !!!!

Sorry to anyone else posting on here attually giving me sound advice but that last post really upset me and i had to vent

[pontypandy]

thanks doggie, Yes i was attually thinking of compromising and leave it a few more years maybe start trying when DS is 7 or 8.

The only thing is im still not sure on the gap

[doggiesayswoof]

Good luck with it, whatever happens

Don't pay any attention, that post was really uncalled for, seemed like just trying to get a rise out of you

[pontypandy]

oh bollocks it looked like it worked aswell {angry]

I have come to a decision i am going to comropmise and talk with DH and suggest we want untill DS has been is school a year or so and get him settled in his new routine.
Then talk about trying, what do you think a good idea??