Anyone remember my long lost, now found canadian father?

[Nemofish]

Well he's a shit.

His cousin has been lovely, we have chatted lots, he has sent me photos of my dad, filled in all sorts of blanks about my dads side of the family, what's more he has been happy to do this in the face of a stony silence from my dad towards me.

Nothing. I e-mailed him, twice, first about a month ago, the second two weeks after.

I am pretending not to notice that he is totally blanking me, and sending photos and cheery chatty e-mails, no 'heavy stuff.' Like 'why did you fuck off you fucker?' I have been most restrained.

Father's Day has been, for me, torture. I realise I can't make him interested in me (his only daughter) or his granddaughter (his only grandchild). In fact we are the only blood descendants in the family! Really quite odd.

But I am angry. And then sad - I want to 'finish it' and in some way tell him 'forget it,' while retaining my dignity. Ha!

I have thought about sending him a last e-mail, but I am so emotionally fucked up right now I don't know where to start. Of course I am bearing in mind that he is an old fart man and possibly not in the best of health. Though to be honest if I finished him off by accident there would be something darkly compelling about that... But best avoided obvioiusly.

WTF do I do?

[GypsyMoth]

oh gosh! i dont know what you should do!! and i dont now the history of this either,but is it possible he needs some time to digest it all?

[Nemofish]

I know what you mean, but I would have thought that he would let me know that, rather than just keep me hanging for weeks and weeks...

[MegBusset]

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are flogging a dead horse though tbh and that he isn't worth your thoughts or efforts any more. If it were me I would maintain a dignified silence, no more emails or contact.

His cousin sounds lovely though and if any consolation at least one family member who's worth bothering with.

[Nemofish]

Okay that's one vote for dignified silence. Can I make this face while maintaining a dignified silence?

I was always the flogger of the dead horse...

[CarGirl]

Try and focus on the positives of your cousin. You've managed this long without your father you don't actually need him - at least you can have "closure" that he wasn't worth having in your life.

Still and for you though.

[Nemofish]

Thanks CarGirl.

If I could e-mail my father and and possibly I would!

[ZZZenAgain]

I rmeember

I don't know. Can you go there?

[dizzydixies]

is he definately getting the emails?

[Hassled]

Are you sure the email address is right? Are you sure an elderly man checks his emails that often? Has the cousin shed any light on things - do you know for sure you're being ignored?

Assuming yes to all, then I was going to say go for the dignified silence, but actually, what the hell have you got to lose? Say what you want to him - it can't make things worse than they are. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

[Nemofish]

I believe so, dizzydixies, I do know that his cousin has had a chat with him on my behalf kind of thing.

Can't really drop everything and go there, wouldn't fancy trolling the city for him.

[ZZZenAgain]

is he not in the same town as the cousin?

[MunchkinsMumof2]

I think you may be able to accept his flaws now that you have actually had firsthand experience of them, if that makes sense? I think you will be able to move on with your head held high, with some of your "what ifs" answered and in the process will have gained a valuable new relationship with a cousin.
I hope I don't sound trite but I'm trying to say that you are missing nothing by not having a relationship with this man and to have a happy and healthy relationship with your real family is a much more worthwhile use of your heart, energy and time.
I hope you can come to terms with him not being a proper Dad and use the experience to your benefit. Good luck x

[MegBusset]

I wouldn't advise going there or pursuing further contact. Unfortunately you can't force someone to be a part of your life and he seems to have made his position clear by stonewalling you. Carrying on with more emotional investment is just throwing good money after bad so to speak. At least you can walk away with your head held high knowing you gave it a good shot at salvaging the relationship.

[ticktockclock]

Sometimes they are just not ready for it. My father was not ready to have a relationship with me the when I was a child and my mother tried or when I tried again the first time as an adult. Then 20 years later I tried again and we have a great relationship.