let down by 'D'H

[nagoo]

We have been together 7 years and married for 2.

He has been in and out of work including 2 9 month stints of unemployment, which, if you ask him about, have been erased from his memory.

He has been training as a teacher for 9 months and prior to that did 18 months as a TA earning no money.

He has applied for 4 (NOT ENOUGH) jobs nearing the end of this course and already got the first rejection.

I am sick of carrying this man. All he does is make a mess of my house and wind up our DS before bedtime.

I am 18 weeks pg with second baby. I got pregnant despite knowing that DH is doing my head in because I wnat another baby and I want my baby to have DH's family (who I love).

I feel that if he does not get a job then there is no purpose to him. If i have to go back to work when the new baby is 8 weeks old then I might as well be on my own as he does nothing for me and makes no contribution at all.

[ninah]

teacher training is no picnic
it is hard to get paid ta work as everyone wants it and to do teaching training you need to demonstrate experience
sounds to me he is doing his ultimate to sort out a career and a future

[innerstrength]

Sounds horrid for you. I have had my share of lazy men, and it does drive you mad. Interesting you say that if he doesn't get a job then there is no purpose to him. Actually makes me think, even if he DOES get a job, is there any relationship there left to save?? Does he show you any affection/attention/respect/support at all in any way?

[mustrunmore]

Are you serious? Unless there are other things you havent mentioned, then all I read is a man who's retraining for a career so he can earn money and suppot his family, who is doing voluntary work to get the necessary experience to increase his chances of employment, who is probably knackered; its hard work. And alot of men, inc dh, are crap at bedtimes! Alot of women are too!

[innerstrength]

I agree with what you are saying, mustrun, and ninah, but at the same time it sounds like there is no relationship there and the issues run a lot deeper than the job hunting if there is 'no purpose in him being there'.

[nagoo]

I appreciate what you are saying, I'm here because I want some perspective.

I get that he is working hard. I know he had found this year exhausting, which is why he does minimal childcare and NO jobs in the house (that's a lie, he does clean cat shit, as I am pg), and I don't bitch about it.

The career change was supposed to make everything 'different'. He was going to be happy, and in a steady job.

He has shown no interest in this pregnancy.(He doesn't ask about mw apts etc). He hasn't cuddled me in 5 months. He won't talk unless its about school. I've tried to help by being a sounding board for lessons etc, but If I ask any questions about how things are going he tells me he doesn't 'need the pressure'.

I feel I get nothing from him.

[mustrunmore]

If he's finding it hard going he prob doesnt want to talk about it. I'm like that; the bigger the can of worms, the less you want to open it incase you cant see any end to the conversation!

Fwiw, second pregnancies are old hat and not at all interesting, trust me. Dh was great with ds1; came to all my appts with me, felt the baby kick, gave me massages. With ds2, he didnt do anything. Not that he didnt care, its just that it wasnt a novelty or something fresh, so he didnt have the enthusiasm, and didnt see it as taking precedence over work in his head iyswim. In fact, I apprently was a pita for the whole of my second pg

[cherrylips]

My friends partner did the PGCE. She said to me she could write a book about the experience and call it "My Year of PGCE Hell". And she wasn't pregnant. It sounds an absolute nightmare. I have friends who have started this course and bailed out, and they don't have kids.

It sounds like a terribly stressful course, where lots of work and learning experiences are crammed into one year.

My friend was beside herself with worry. They are together and strong in their relationship now. He has got a permanent teaching contract for 3 days a week. Permanent jobs are quite difficult to come by. So your DH may have to do supply teaching for a while, before getting a foothold in a school.

But during the course, they nearly split up a few times, because the course is so all consuming for the person doing it, its hard work, and anxiety provoking.

I say hang in there!!! And reassess when he has a steady job!!! Good luck!!!

[Eurostar]

You talk about "my" house, not "our" house after 7 years together? Is that how you feel about the way that you live? He stopped cuddling you about the time that you got pregnant? What did he feel about a second DC?

[Flisspaps]

I'm trying to find a way to say this without sounding harsh, so please forgive me if I come across as nasty - it isn't intended to be. Tact isn't a strength I possess!

But if I picked up on my OH feeling this way about me (lazy, useless), I'd be pretty depressed/demotivated. And you probably are giving off vibes of you feeling like you're 'carrying' him and having no purpose if he doesn't have a job, even if you don't say it to him outright.

He might be lucky finding 4 jobs to even apply for - my DH is a teacher and there are very few jobs advertised that he could realistically apply for due to specialisation in particular subjects. Competition for jobs at the moment is high - he might face many more rejections yet, and that's just how it is. This is particularly so at this time of year as all the NQTs will be looking for jobs at the same time.

You say you got pregnant 'despite knowing that DH is doing my head in because I wnat another baby and I want my baby to have DH's family (who I love).' No mention of wanting another baby with him because you love HIM - he's probably picked up on this as well, which could explain his lack of interest in the new baby.

[dizietsma]

Ugh. I hate women who measure their men by how well they "provide".

You seem wedded to old fashioned gender roles of male provider, so you can't be surprised when he plays that role out by not helping out around the house, after all that's "a woman's job".

You want more help, then be more supportive. He does sound like he's trying to be the provider you so value and studying is not easy.

You also sound terribly mercenary. Having a second child with someone not because you love or even respect them, but because you want the right extended family for them. Has it crossed you mind that your H has picked up on all your nasty scheming and judgemental attitudes and that's why he doesn't want to show you affection?

No, sounds to me like you are the problem OP.

[mummytime]

I am doing a PGCE. Our house looks like a bomb has hit it. I just about mainly get the kids to school. But DS did his D of E hike in the wrong shoes and without a sleeping bag, because chasing him was just too much for me to remember that day.
DH is totally neglected, and has had to deal with me bursting into tears for no obvious reason. I frequently wonder why I'm putting us all through this.

There are also not that many jobs out there, it does depend where you are. In some subjects it is highly competitive for the ones that do come up. And maybe your DH doesn't want to move you all or a huge commute.

I think you could do with seeing a relate counsellor and being honest with yourself. Are you just using your DH? How are you going to cope when he gets 50% custody?

I hope it is just hormones speaking. Good luck.

[nagoo]

Thanks everyone for replying. I needed people to tell me how hard this training is, and that it's not just us/him.

I know it's nearly over. I feel like it's been so hard for us that if there's nothing at the end of it then... it's just really exhausted our relationship.

dizietsma: I think I come across as judging him by what he 'provides' because I don't feel like he's 'providing' anything else.

I'd like to point out that I work full time and have been paying the bills for the last 2.5 years. I went into my marriage thinking that we would share all the responsibilites, not that I would have to do everything.

I've read on other threads people getting flamed for TTC when their relationship is not great, hence the need to justify myself there.

Anyway... after I got home he did actually come down the stairs and speak to me. I explained that I felt neglected and he seemd disinterested in the baby. He has reassured me that it really is just the course that is eating his life. I'm sure that I am just hormonal, and it's been a long haul.

Also he's got an interview

Thankyou everyone, I needed this. And it's cheaper than relate.

[cherrylips]

Glad you are feeling more positive nagoo. I really feel for you and your DH.

I bet you both feel heaps better when you have had your baby. And when he has finished that course!!!

Good luck!

[mummytime]

I'm glad you feel better! I had my DD1 tell me this evening how much she misses having her Mummy around. We are counting down until it gets a bit better.
I really hope he gets a job, he can do supply but that is limited in length before he has to start his NQT year. But good luck!

[TDiddy]

I would do anything for DW EXCEPT clean cat faeces....so he must be a better man than I am

[TDiddy]

mummytime -Don't know whether to sympathise or laugh at your post at Sun 20-Jun-10 20:34:48

[nagoo]

I think I just have to accept that the relationship has been put on hold because of the demands of this course. There's been a complete detachment that's been getting worse for the past 9 months and I know that is what is coming out in my posts.

I am reassured by all the replies telling me how hard this training is, and although it's frightening me to death I'm glad that people are telling me that it will be hard to get a job at the end. I'm trying to condition myself into seeing the lack of support/ interest as being a symptom of the training rather than a failing on his part.

howlowl I'm going to try really hard not to let this break us, and hopefully we can get back on track to the way things were.

Thanks

[DameGladys]

This may be supremely unhelpful but while I found the PGCE hardish, the 1st year of teaching was the real baptism of fire. Tough, tough and more tough.

But it does depend on the school you get a job in. Just be wary and don't expect all stress to disappear completely this summer.