Those with siblings. What did you like/dislike growing up?

[WoodlandFaerie]

I now have two children, aged 4 and almost 7 months. For now, they absolutely adore each other. I am aware that this may change at any given time, but for now I feel lucky that the worst we deal with is the 4yo being overzealous in her love for her brother. In fact, this time, when we have been expecting jealousy to rear its head, we find she has in fact been waiting for this time, as he actually interacts a bit with her now. She loves it.

I want them to continue this way. But I know that in my family, siblings are not close. Some families grow up to be very close, and others don't. I know there are circumstances involved in my upbringing that influenced this, and those circumstances won't be present in the family I now have with DH and the children.

And I know that I cannot force them to love each other as older children, or as adults.

But, I can, we can ensure we provide the best possible environment for both of them, together as sister and brother, but also individually as daughter and son.

So, when you grew up, with your siblings, what things did you love? what things did you dislike/resent/wish were different? Did you feel your parents treated you more/less favourably or about the same, were your differences celebrated? similarities shared? Are you close to your siblings now? how do you think your upbringing together had an impact on that relationship now?

[WoodlandFaerie]

anyone with some views to share?

[mamsnet]

Marking this as I could go on and on..

Have you read Siblings without Rivalry?

[WoodlandFaerie]

No I haven't. I shall add that straight to my list though, thank you.

[WoodlandFaerie]

done! on amazon for £6.50 or so, free postage, and on ebay for up to £12 and the minimum is £7.50.

I need a new book to read!

[englishpatient]

I have a sister 4 yrs younger than me and a brother 7 years younger than me.

My sister and I now live fairly near each other and I'd say we are really close now. We have always got on very very well as adults but because of living quite far apart, hadn't been as close as we are now. Her DD and my DD and my DS are seeing a lot of each other which they all love. (We weren't close geographically to any of our cousins as children, and we never grew close to them, sadly, because we rarely saw them.) I feel really, really lucky to have her as my sister - I would like her enormously if I just met her as a friend.

My brother and I also get on really well - we are not particularly close but we like each other a lot and enjoy each other's company when we meet up (not that often as he lives further away).

Our parents never showed any favouritism to any one of us, which I think is really vital. I think they liked our differences but also they liked the fact that each of us enjoyed certain different things they (our parents) did as hobbies etc.

I realise I am very lucky to have such a lovely close family. I hope DD and DS will feel the same as they grow up and when they are adults.

Sorry this is so long!

[WoodlandFaerie]

ok I am off to bed, as both my children are early risers, and the baby also likes to see me on many occasions in the night! but I will be back either later tonight/in the dark lonely night time, or tomorrow so please give me your thoughts and I will read them/respond.

[potplant]

In my family its the contstant comparison to each other. My older DB is the golden child - everything he does is wonderful (even though it often isn't). We have taken quite different paths, they still say stuff like 'When SIL was pregnant she did x....' 'When DB bought a house he did this....' Like everything he does is the template on how to lead your life!

I do resent his golden child status a bit and my grown up head knows its not really his fault (he was oblivious to this until me and my sis told him).

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

My little sister is 2.3 years younger than me. Growning up we hated each other, well she didnt care for me, i activly hated her. The main thing i hated was that people seemed to expect us to get on. i really hated that, why would we automatically get on, we were completely different people from the get go. because we were close in age when we went away, or for days out we never took friends, it was thought that we would be friends for each other. WRONG we both just ended up hating everything we did as we were doing it with someone we didnt like. I refused to go on day trips with my parents and sis from about 11, and by 13 i was skipping the 3 -4 abroad holidays prefering to stay home with half brother popping in every other day. It was much more pleasent for everyone. I moved out at 17 to get away from her really.

Im now 26, shes 24, we are best friends and have been for the last 5 years or so - wierd.

[WoodlandFaerie]

englishpatient - thank you for that. Did you find anything annoying when you were growing up, being a sibling, or what it 'just how it was'. Did your parents do anything in particular do you think to cultivate a good relationship between you all, or was it just being loved equally that allowed the rest to happen naturally?

[englishpatient]

The three of us did squabble and I remember hating my sister coming into my bedroom to try to join in when I had friends round and telling her to get out! My parents didn't get too involved in our squabbles/disagreements which at the time I hated - I often felt that as the eldest I was getting blamed for their behaviour, and being expected to be "old enough to know better" - but now I think was probably quite sensible, as I have tried to sort things out carefully and fairly when DD and DS squabble and it just seems to get really out of hand. I think squabbling must be a normal part of growing up with siblings.

I am sure that our feeling equally loved and never, ever having the feeling that one of the others was preferred was a major factor in us having a good relationship now.

I don't know if they actively did anything to cultivate a good relationship between us - I will have to ask them!

[OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias]

I have one DB, 5 years younger. Things I loved:

• His baby and toddler years. He was gorgeous, all plump and luscious and loveable. Infinite supply of kisses for me.
• When I was a moody teen, having someone who sympathised with me about our parents.
• When I was grown up and he was at university, I got to go and stay with him for weekends and pretend I was still a student.
• Now we're both proper adults, an unending supply of shared memories and laughter.

Things that drove me nuts:

• My mother insisting on making me do stuff that I was too old to enjoy, while also insisting I would enjoy it too. (Being made to post Christmas cards through neighbours' letter-boxes comes to mind.) If she'd even said "Can you keep an eye on DB and make sure he's okay..."! But no, it was "I've got a lovely fun job for you both, doesn't that sound nice? Yes, it does. Yes, it does. Of course you'll enjoy it, what's the matter with you?"
• Similarly - mother insisting on me helping with DB's construction of sandcastles on beach holidays, when he was more than happy to do it himself and I wanted to read my book. I remember us both pleading with her to let us get on and enjoy the beach in our own way, but she had this...vision...and by God we were going to fulfil it...
• Different standards wrt sex. When at university, my bf (who I lived with) to stay overnight. DB and his gf lived with my parents for six months. Never worked out if this was because I was a girl, because I was the first one and they were more relaxed by the time they got to him, or if they just didn't like my bf.

My brother is excellent. Best gift my parents ever gave me.

[crappitydoodle]

I have 3 older sisters, 2 years between each of us.

I loved always having someone to play with, especially as we lived in the back end of nowhere so friends were hard to come by. I fought like cat and dog with the sister 2 years older than me, she was i bit of a whiney child and my dad pandered to her which drove the rest of us mad.

Teenage years we kind of drifted apart as they left home and went to uni, still a good relationship, just not an especially close one.

Now we are all in our 20's and really are best friends. I live in the same city as 2 of them who share a flat (i lived with them before dd was born) I see them pretty much everyday and we can talk about anything.

I really don't know where i would be without them, they naver fail to make me laugh and give me a hug if i need it.

[ScarletRed]

I have a sister 4 years older and a brother 13mths older, growing up I was very very close to my brother. We used to gang up on my sister even though my sister and I shared a room. When my brother went to university I was heartbroken that I was left at home and everyone had gone.
But when I went to university we went back to how we used to be.
Then my relationship with my sister took a swing and in my late teens early twenties we became close. Then I went traveling and settled abroad and only recently came back to the UK. My sister then got married and emigrated to the USA and although my relationship with my sister has become stronger we email/skype and talk all the time. My brother got married 2 years ago and my relationship with my brother has deteriorated so badly that I haven't spoken to him since February.

[WoodlandFaerie]

scarlet I am sorry that your relationship with your brother has broken down, is it salvageable, now or in the future?

thank you to everyone for your experiences, please keep them coming!

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Oh i forgot, ive also got an older sister, shes 12 years older, we dont talk at all, shes twisted and no loss, had a brother 15 years older but he killed himself, and we were never close anyway. Love his daughter likea sister though and we are very close, only 5 years younger than me.

Big age gaps are pointless, its like second families rather than siblings.

[Mrsbubblebum]

I have a sister and three brothers.

Now i'm only close to my sister, because we put in the work into our relationship.

I liked having brothers and sisters when we were young, but teenage years don't even want to remember...

My parent's had their favourites but they are still denying it...

I think communication is everything. Try and share everything with both of them from an early age, so they would feel comfortable to talk to each other...

[elvislives]

I have one brother 2 years younger. We were very very close as children. I can remember choosing not to have friends round because I was happy to play with my brother, and I also remember him coming to meet me from work when I was 15 and he 13 and the other girls being a bit and about it.

He was very much the golden boy in my mums eyes. Everything I did was wrong and everything he did was right. He was quite a naughty boy, and I was always very good, but I used to get in trouble because I was the eldest and should have been watching him. It was never his fault.

Mum expected me to watch him and be responsible for him, even though we only had 2 years between us.

Like potplant, he is the template for how to do things. We took mum to Florida on holiday and she spent the whole time saying "DB says we should go here" (not only has he never been to Florida he has never taken mum on holiday )

When I got married he left home (aged 18) because he said he couldn't bear to live with our parents without me there. He lived in a series of squats and dossed about for years and we lost touch. We made up when he had a DD a year after ours but fell out about 8 or 9 years ago when there was a big hoo-ha about him taking money from mum and his wife got nasty with us. Haven't spoken to SIL since and he and I are just on FB aquaintance level. If he was on fire I'd really have to think about it before pissing on him

(sorry for the essay)

We had 4 close together and decided from day one to never never make the older one(s) responsible for the younger. It made our lives more difficult but we chose to have them- DC1 didn't choose to be the eldest.

[thislittlesisterlola]

db is 3 years younger than me. We used to fight lots when we were little. Nowadays we get on great. He has a similar mind set to mine at that age which frustrates me as i can help me, make his life easier but he's alot more laid back than me. Im about to make him an uncle and he could not be more proud. He's an adult but he's still my little brother who i want to look after

[edam]

Am extremely close to my two younger sisters. Grew up with one of them (three years younger), the other is 14 years younger and technically our half sister (Dad's second marriage) but we were delighted to have her and very protective big sisters from the off.

When we were kids, my nearest sister and I spent half our time playing together and half the time fighting, which seems to be the norm for siblings reasonably close in age. I disliked being told 'go and play with your sister' when I wasn't in the mood and being blamed if anything went wrong. And felt very strongly I was expected to behave while she got away with stuff. But that's probably the norm for eldest children anyway!

No idea why we are close while dh and his sister (two years younger) are not. But I'm VERY glad I've got my sisters.

[googietheegg]

My older brother has caused all sorts of hassle, even though we were close as children. He's a very big character and I felt overwhelmed by him, especially as some people in our small town think he's a bit of a twat.

I've always felt in his shadow and consequently find it hard to visit my home town as he still lives there. I moved at 18 and will never move back as I don't feel like there's a me-shaped space there.

[BertieBotts]

I read Siblings Without Rivalry, and a lot of the stuff in it I recognised that my mum had done with me and my sister (she hadn't read the book though) - things like not comparing, not initiating competitiveness (e.g. Hey DS, DD got 9/10 on her spelling test. See if you can do as well on yours next week! - Not a great idea.) and with arguments, we used to just get separated when we fought, no particular punishment or blame (unless serious fighting/injury obv!) just separating and letting us play separately instead.

We shared a room right up until I left home and used to talk for hours when we were supposed to be in bed, I don't know if it's this or the fact we were both not great at making friends, but we have a really good relationship now. From about 13+ I hated sharing a room and wanted my own space, but it hasn't affected our relationship in the long run, we are still good friends now as well as sisters. There are 2.9 years between us if that makes a difference.

Only thing I am a tiny bit sad about is that when we were growing up we always said we were going to live on the same street and our DCs would be best friends and play together all the time but I had DS young so it's unlikely that will happen now unless I end up getting married and having more children later on. But TBH that was probably in the same vein as me saying I wanted to live at home with my mum for ever - I love my mum but I wouldn't want to live back at home now!

Oh just thought of one more thing, I liked that I could talk to my mum about things which annoyed me about my sister without her saying "Oh don't be silly!" or "You love your sister really" - and I know that she probably had similar conversations with her about me! She just accepted that when I was having a moan it was just that, not any symptom of an underlying hatred.

[maktaitai]

I have a sister and a brother who are both older than me. My brother was very sweet to me when I was little but I was a bit frightened of him and he moved out when I was so young that I really didn't get to know him until I was perhaps 30 or so. I'm very fond of him but we will never be bezzie mates - that's fine though.

My sister and I had a bit of a tricky relationship when we were both living at home - I think I was pretty unbearable as I was the peacemaker/showoff-to-prevent-rows in the family, but as soon as I left home things improved dramatically. Again the age gap is just too big for us to be super-close, but in the same way as with my brother, as we get older the shared history feels increasingly important.

I think my parents actually did a lot right - they didn't compare us, and in fact when I went to the same school as my sister, my mother made a point of telling my teacher that we were very different (she'd suffered herself from having 2 sisters very close in age that she was compared to!)

If I had advice, it would be to accept that you won't get everything right with siblings, however hard you try (but it's great that you are thinking about it). And that's fine, because nothing builds relationships between siblings like a good moan about your parents IMO

[LimaCharlie]

2.9 years between me and DSIS - I'm the eldest. We fought like cat and dog but were fiercely protective over one another to outsiders.

I often remember complaining to DM that my parents "loved dsis best.." and "favoured dsis more" - and she said the same thing - we both got the same response that if we both felt that the other was the fave then they must surely be treating us equally.

As an adult I can see that they were indeed very fair, although as a teen I had to fight for every freedom - for dsis it came easier as my parents had become more relaxed.

Dsis says she worshipped me - she never let it show though as she seemed to spend lots of time screeching at me for breaking her toys / ruining her clothes / nicking her make up etc.

We now are exremely close and aim to see one another at least once a week - like englishpatient not only do I love my sis, I genuinely like her and would choose her as a friend - she is one of my favourite people in the world - I respect and admire her enormously - she is a wonderfully kind human being and exactly the sort of person I would like to be. Although my DC are a fair bit older than hers they all get on well and I hope will grow up to be very close.

[edam]

Oh yes, my sister and I were BOTH convinced the other one was the favourite.

My mother did a lot of what maktaitai and bertie have talked about. Apparently she didn't read any parenting books and her own mother was dead - it was her degree in zoology that came in useful, she claims! Am not sure I'm that chuffed by being treated like a young chimpanzee but it seems to have worked...

[Ponders]

My older brother used to tease me to distraction & my mother never stopped him, just told me to ignore him, which made me wilder! (& yes, I did think they favoured him - though I've never asked him what he thinks hmmmm)

Anyway I tended to squash that kind of needling with mine. Squabbles they had to sort out themselves, unless they went tediously on & on, in which case I would separate. They are pretty good friends now they're older (apart from personality clashes occasionally!)