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Relationships

Would it be better all around if he doesnt meet his baby

6 replies

kikismummy · 13/06/2010 09:54

Hi,

I am a mum to 2 children aged 3 and 4 so i im not taking to writng this thread lightly, everyday i feel something different.

Here goes, a few months before me and my bf go together he had a one night stand and got a girl pregnant, one minute she was saying yes its yours and the next saying it was someone elses, me and my bf split (not because of this) he went away with work for several months (forces) when he came back the girl had written him a letter to his mothers address saying that she had given birth and if he wanted to see the baby he could, his head was very messed up and in the few weeks he was back in the uk he didnt get in touch. he then went back awayagain and she started claiming csa off of him, which he has no problem with at all, he understands that if this is his baby he needs to pay for it, but the problem he/we are having is if he is better off no seeing the baby as its settled with its mum and has a close family network around it, he thinks that because he lives 8 hours drive away from the baby and he doesnt drive or have property there etc that he will rarely be able to see the baby, he is also away on front line for the next 2 years so time in the uk is very little and thinks it will do more harm to the baby seeing him occasionally than not meeting it at all, the baby is now one and he hasnt had any contact from the mother since, he has a mobile number but are things best left as they are? is he better off having no contact but paying for it and no doing the whole sending birthday card thing etc, we nearly went through the whole dna thing but i think we was scared that a positive result would open up new emotions etc, my bf is amazing with my children which i know doesnt make up for him not seeing his (possibly) own child but is paying for its up bringing enough? im not a cold hearted person and i would never tell him not to meet his baby, were just really confused and want whats best for the baby and its mother etc. any advice would be great.

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TotalChaos · 13/06/2010 10:04

as someone who never met their father (he wanted nothing to do with me or my mum, then died in an accident when I was still a child), I don't think it would be better for the baby not to meet him, and it's quite understandable that the mother didn't make further contact when her initial offer to meet was ignored.

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oiteach · 13/06/2010 10:05

My daughters father has nothing to do with her. No birthday cards etc.
She feels rejected by him. She is nine.

I think I would try letterbox contact, so send a birthday card, write a letter a few times a year and see what develops. You don't have to be over emotional about it, at this stage letters or cards are more for the purpose of keepsakes when the child is older.

As for physical contact, very young children generally need "little and often" to establish a bond with a non-resident parent so it will be hard in the situation you describe to build a relationship, but, if your bf does the card thing and keeps in contact with the mother there is no reason why a good relationship couldn't develop over time.

My dd hasn't even got a photo of her natural father. There are other factors involved as well but I do think that later in life children need to know where they come from if you see what I mean.

I'm assuming your bf is not on the birth certificate as well which in my opinion makes it more important to try to establish some sort of contact.

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tutu100 · 13/06/2010 10:13

I think he really needs to have a DNA test if there is any doubt over him being the father as if he isn't it negates all this debate. What if he does build a relationship with this child and then in 15 years time it turns out he is not the biological father? Won't that mess more with both their heads.

If he is the father I think oiteach is right with the suggestion of letterbox contact. As long as he mantains some contact then when he is more settled and around more it will be easier to increase contact, and also hopefully when the child grows up they will know that their father has always been interested in them even if he isn't always physically there.

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LittleMissHissyFit · 13/06/2010 10:18

"we nearly went through the whole dna thing but i think we was scared that a positive result would open up new emotions etc"

WE? WE? sorry, but were you on this one-night-stand too? What is your role in all this? I thought you had split from him anyway?

IF the baby is his, he needs to step up and provide cash AND emotional support/connection. Anything less is failing an innocent baby.

All of this is your ExBF's business, not yours. You have no right to interject and stand between a baby and her father. It's up to him to decide that, and tbh if he DID decide on a no contact route, then he's a deadbeat dad and not someone who's ever going to be described as a good father.

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kikismummy · 13/06/2010 11:15

Thank you for all the replies, when he gets back in the country i will suggest he contacts the mother and asks for a postal address and does the letter box chat, and see how the mother feels about this and to get back onto the dna testing. 'WE' discussed this together as we wanted to weigh up the pros and cons, not wanting to offend or piss off the mother, and my bf wanted to make sure that he was in a position to visit the child if it were his and thats what they decided to do, 'WE' also need to consider his work, the travel involved the babies feelings etc, if she lived in the same town he would see the baby all the time he was in the uk but he didnt know if been a limited part time dad would mess with the childs head, but the letter box chat and seeing how things develop from there sounds good, i didnt realise that would have such a positive effect on the child but if this is the way to stop the child feeling rejected and for my bf to have some contact with the child without messing the child up then that is a great start. thank you for the advise, he is back in the uk in 4 weeks time so he has sometime to think about how he wants to word it all to the mother. thanks again.

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oiteach · 13/06/2010 19:33

welcome. I hope it all goes well for you all.

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