I can't do this anymore.........

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just found out I'm pregnant, which is a miracle considering we have had sex once in 5 months and I had to instigate it through complete desperation. I'm so happy for DD, as she has been asking for a baby brother or sister for some time, however I'm in a total state of disbelief.

DH has told me that if I want the baby, I will have to return to work as soon as I've had it or we won't be able to afford it. I'm taking "if" as a suggestion that I can choose the fate of this child, which is heartbreaking in itself as I have miscarried before. He hasn't asked me once how I am, has not cuddled me or refuses to discuss the baby because he's got "too much going on" apparently
Some of you know my history- I moved over to Sydney for DH, as he had this great idea that he could set up a successful business over here. After 2 1/2 years we are in debt and I am getting daily abuse as to why I am not earning, even though I'm doing everything I possibly can to drum up more work ( I had a 3 book publishing deal that was dropped recently due to the sale of the company) I left a good career, amazing family and friends and a lovely house in Brighton to end up calling the local council here, pleading for benefits.
He blames me for everything and now- get this - he has blamed me for getting pregnant because I asked for sex.
I know everyone tells me to leave him and believe me, the plan was to test that option out when I fly home for 2 months next week, however this news has left me in limbo. What the hell do I do?
I know I need to start working asap - I had actually applied to study for early years PGCE in Brighton next year as I can't live off children's books at the moment . Now I will have to defer this and DH is using this against me.
I'm totally gutted as I've always wanted 2 children. I should be happy. There should be a positive solution to this, but all I hear is negativity. I cried all night last night.

[BudaisintheZONE]

Oh you poor thing. I am sorry you are going through such shit.

The timing of the pregnancy is not great is it? But. You are pregnant. You CAN cope.

I think if I were you I would continue with your plans to come back to UK. You are unhappy in Oz anyway. Your DH sounds like he is being an arse and has been for some time I take it.

Have to run and shower but hopefully you will have had loads of advice by the time I get back.

[LoveBeing34]

What do you think you life will be like in oz if you have the baby and stay with dh? How would you feel about coming home with a baby on the way/newborn? Can you see your life here with two dcs?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Oh, you poor thing. And although you maybe don't feel like it - congratulations on your pregnancy.

I do think you should leave him. I don't think this is an environment in which you can have a safe and peaceful pregnancy, and I certainly don't think you should let his negativity prevent you from keeping the baby (which I gather you want to do).

If you come back to England for a holiday, there's nothing to stop you testing out the option even though you're pregnant; you'd be entitled to benefits and the like at home wouldn't you? And it sounds like your line of work is transferrable and there's not much opportunity for you in Australia anyway.

The positive; this is a catalyst, an impetus to make your plans.

[brightongirldownunder]

I think the saddest thing is that in my heart I'm so happy, but I daren't even mention having the baby to him. People cope, don't they? We are living in the most expensive city in the world and its not working out - surely logic would suggest that if we unite and decide to move back, he could still work out here? But instead he blames me for it going wrong.
I'm so concerned for DD - she's only just 3 and adores her dad. I've done everything I can to make her life amazing over here but its been to the detriment of me and my savings.
I just want a happy simple life and now it looks like I'm coming back a single parent

[Sakura]

Please go home. I have a 3 year old and I was just discussing with a friend yesterday about how adaptable they are. You'll be able to make another life for her in the UK.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

People do cope, of course they do.

He's just not on your side, anymore. It sounds like he hasn't been on your side for a long time. And you can't do this with him blaming you and never wanting sex and abusing you for not earning enough and no maternity leave and etc.

[brightongirldownunder]

Lovebeing34 - I would do anything not to be in this position. At the moment the thought of being with DH throughout this pregnancy, with him laying guilt on me daily is enough to give me a breakdown. But the thought of bringing up a newborn and DD on my own is equally scary.
He was vile to me when I was pregnant with DD. I was so happy to have finally conceived and had an amazing 9 months, working all the way till a few days before I gave birth, but still I had grief.
My head's a mess

[brightongirldownunder]

He keeps telling me to talk to him like a 38 year old woman should and stop living in a fantasy world. I don't know what he's talking about???
How can a fantasy be this heartbreaking.
I know deep down he'd like to suggest that I look into termination, I just know it....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Brightongirl,

Is he still using weed?. If yes (and I bet that he is), this is yet another good reason to return to the UK and make a new life for yourself and your children without this selfish tosspot in it. He only cares about his own self, you and your DD don't even figure.

You once wrote that your relationship was in tatters even before you left for Australia.
It is okay to walk away from him, he will never change and you will only become more miserable if you stay.

On a wider level too, this relationship is not great model for your DD to follow now is it?. What are you both teaching her about relationships here?.

[brightongirldownunder]

Attila - yes he is - at least 2 spliffs a night. The smell makes me feel so sick. I'm so embarrassed as I know our neighbours disapprove, especially as they adore DD.
Its just the heartbreak of separation. I feel so vunerable at the moment. maybe he's right - I'm just one of those pathetic people who really can't cope on their own......

[Sakura]

Pregnancy is so mentally taxing, it's a really stressful time. You say you've already had one miscarriage. I'm not being flippant when I say the burden on your shoulders is much more than the average person can bear. I am worried about your health.
I live abroad too and it's very easy to under-estimate the stress that comes from the everyday, constant things that crop up from not being surrounded by people of your own culture.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No luv, you are not pathetic; he has just made you think that way of yourself over the years and he has ground you down now to almost nothing. I say almost nothing as there is still a bit of fight left in you. You would not have posted if things were okay between you, you know this is wrong and not working.

Do not let the fear of the unknown stop you now; life with your H now has been intolerable for a long time and it will be forever so. He won't stop using weed on your account and won't stop being an arse because you ask him to. You yourself wrote that this relationship was in tatters even before you left for Aus originally.

All you are to him now is his enabler. You have enabled him too and have tolerated him for too long.

Return to the UK next week with your child and make the separation a permanent one. Your children will in the long term thank you for doing so; they need a happy mummy in their lives.

[brightongirldownunder]

Sakura - thats what is worrying me. It was the most horrific miscarriage too. Luckily next tues I'm flying to France to stay with my parents for a month and then go back to the UK for another. I think I'll have to make my decision then.
I just can't stop crying.
I have some amazing friends in Oz now - they've watched me disintegrate as a person. I keep telling them they aren't seeing the "real me". If things were different I'd definitely stay for at least another year.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is your DD also flying to France with you next week?

[Sakura]

Oh, that's so reassuring that you're booked to fly out
I thought you were in some kind of situation where you didn't have the money to get out.
And you must get out.
Once you're in the UK you'll wonder why you thought twice, I promise.
In a sense it's lucky you're abroad because if you were both in the UK you wouldn't have anywhere to fly to!

[brightongirldownunder]

Thankyou Attila, I know you've been on at me for ages and ot feels good to know that someone actually cares enough to do so
I'm really beginning to hate him for what he's done to me. Iknow I have plenty of faults but imagine having them listed to you EVERY SINGLE DAY. How can I be a stronger person when i'm faced with that?

[brightongirldownunder]

Attila - yes, absolutely. I wouldn't leave her with him, especially at night. He's never got up to her when she wakes up in the the middle of the night because he's so stoned or just incapable of waking up.He forgot to turn the grill off the other night and it was only because I needed a glass of water that I noticed there was a smell of burning in the kitchen - how could I ever leave DD with him?

[brightongirldownunder]

Sakura, my lovely parents came to the rescue with tickets (my mum refused to by returns though, as I think she's planning to convince me to stay in the UK)

[brightongirldownunder]

I meant BUY returns

[overmydeadbody]

You are not a pathetic person, and you should have the oportunity to frourish and grow as a person, not be belittled and put down ewvery single day by the very person who you thought would enhance you and your life.

Please don;t be so scared of leaving and being a single mum, you will cope, you will, plenty of us do.

I hope you find the strength to leave, soon.

[Anniegetyourgun]

"maybe he's right - I'm just one of those pathetic people who really can't cope on their own"

But you're already coping with a whole bunch of practical stuff whilst being weighed down by all the negativity from a self-centred man-child. You would cope better without him actually. You do know, don't you, that when he tells you to stop living in fantasy land, that is projection, pure and simple? He is the one living in fantasy land, the fantasy that moving abroad would make you rich, that his business is viable, that everything would all work out if only you would support him more, that forgetting his problems in weed every night will make them go away. You are the one living in the real world, you've tried everything to make it work, you're running out of money and energy, and you have one child and the prospect of another who need real, practical care. You're already doing all the hard work, making all the difficult choices. Making them without him will be easier. Additionally you seem to have the knack of making friends wherever you are, so hopefully you won't be without support (if only moral support) whatever you do next.

Somewhere inside him there may be a not-so-stupid man who knows he cocked up, but he doesn't want to listen to that man because it would be too painful to admit the truth. Someone else must be to blame, and as you're the one who generally picks up the slack in his life, you're conveniently there to blame it all on. It's a nasty person who wants to feel better about themselves by bringing other people down.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Much as I'm always saddened to lose Australian Mumsnetters, I'm with your Mum on this one.

This man is vile and horrible. And much as your daughter adores him now, when she's old enough to notice his utter incompetence, drug addiction and abusive nature she will either start despising him, or start thinking all men are supposed to be like that. Neither is a situation you want.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

X-posted with Annie, who is very wise.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

BG

Yes I have been on at you for a while now haven't I?. I don't live there but Brighton's not too bad really!.

How does he feel about the two of you leaving for France/UK next week?. Is he indifferent to the whole enterprise.

You can do far better than living with a pothead H who blames you for all the misfortunes he has engineered upon himself. He's never taken any responsibility for his actions has he and is unlikely to for the rest of his days. It is okay to leave him; you've tried and it has not worked out. There is nothing more you can do re him.

It is no surprise to me either that your Mum has not purchased return tickets.

[brightongirldownunder]

The only thing he's mentioned to me about us leaving next week is that he'll miss DD. I think he actually believes we can stay together- you're right about him living in this weird drug addled fantasy. He has a terrible Jekyl/Hyde personality trait.
The problem is that he keeps telling me that I'm the one that needs therapy - and now I keep asking myself if its me thats caused this mess. He can't be totally wrong can he? Is there something that other people can see that I can't?
Is there anyone out there thats survived this kind of mess and can reassure me that I can get through this without screwing up my daughter's (and future baby's) life?