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Disengaged Husband

(20 Posts)
awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 22:04:40

Can anyone help me make sense of my situation? I have been unhappily married for most of our 13 years of marriage! DH has entirely different priorities to me mostly concerning money which we have enough of but he hates to spend. I gave up work after having DS 12 years ago and although this fully discussed before our marriage I have been made to feel as though I have never pulled my weight. I have done 95% of running the home for our whole married life,he has never cooked , cleaned, gardened despite 2 C-sections - ha says there is more to life! I have gone back to work p/t after much pressure from him and still receive no help infact even less than before and now he is asking for half of my salary - which is about a quarter of what he earns. He seems to think I must pay him back for the 10 years that I have "had off". He has completely disengaged from the family, will not talk to me atall and has slept downstairs for the past 4 months.What can I do I feel my family has fallen apart?

Scarlet88 Wed 09-Jun-10 22:40:43

hi there!! well.........for what it's worth............I am in exactly the same situation as you.......may i offer some advice??

1. do not go back to work, as this screws up your chances in divorce for a decent settlement.......they'll think "well she can work + support herself!!" If you are working, immediately give it up citing ill health..........speak to your doc, tell them you're depressed etc so it's all there

2. STOP doing everything. Get a cleaning lady in.........

3. Start looking after yourself....do lots of nice things for yourself.......and your kids

4. Tell him, you'd like him to move out and you are seeking a separation.

5. If all of the above doesn't scare the shit out of him......and give him a jolt, then get rid of him. HOW DARE HE TREAT YOU THIS WAY, ANYHOW !! Who does this loser think he is??

He needs teaching a good lesson, my dear.
wink

mophead5 Wed 09-Jun-10 22:41:09

feel so bad for you/
have you mentioned relate couselling to him...sounds like you really need it

Scarlet88 Wed 09-Jun-10 22:43:18

and the prick might be having an affair to.............and is pulling back, cos he doesn't have the guts to tell you and move out !!!!!!

Maybe you should throw him out !!!

LadyLapsang Wed 09-Jun-10 23:05:45

When you say he is asking for half of your salary I don't understand what you mean. Do you not look at your family outgoings and expect to contribute according to your ability / income? Surely it's right that you should expect to contribute financially if you are earning.

Think he should also contribute on the home front. Why don't you suggest relationship counselling so you can both decide if you see your future together because it sounds like you are both pretty unhappy at the moment.

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:06:42

too late not to work I think as that and the kids are the only "normal" parts of my life. Strangely, a solicitor advised me 3 years ago that I should show that I had made some effort to support myself by getting a job - I now think this has backfired on me!
I've thought about the affair - he said to our DS a few months ago that "divorce is now inevitable so I (he)need to start building a single life for myself"!! He also offered me money to leave the house (and children)and told me not to bother getting a solicitor. His arrogance is unbelievable.
I have asked him to come to Relate but that was met with a wall of silence.
I feel that it may be an affair because of the switch off from the children but how do I get him to go? I know he is waiting, as usual for me to make the move and then he can blame me.Thanks for posting.

Oh FFS call Women's Aid and have a chat with them, this nasty selfish man has been exploiting and abusing you for years.
You are NOT a pet, property or a domestic appliance. He is NOT your owner.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Jun-10 23:10:31

this post has made the hairs on the back of my neck rise....

OP...you are living with a cold-blooded abuser

you must seek real life advice on how to extricate yourself

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:12:27

LadyLapsang - I know that it sounds strange but I do pay for things such as holidays, home improvements, kids activities etc but he has always kept our money seperate. Remember I hadn't earnt anything for 10 years and my going back to work was on the understanding that I would get SOME help at home and my salary would pay for extras - it's not alot. Before I went back to work I had nothing.

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:16:18

Scarlett88 - are you intending to get out of your relationship?

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:22:14

AnyF*! Thank you.You have made me look back at what I have said and I realise it is that bad.

Scarlet88 Wed 09-Jun-10 23:22:40

look it doesn't matter who earnd what...........in the divorce courts its 50/50, except that the one who keeps the kids gets about 60% overall in cluding the maintenanr element!! I agree with the 2 above contributors!! also.

CHANGE THE LOCKS WHEN HE'S AT WORK.....THEN HE CAN RUN OFF TO HIS MISTRESS AND YOU CAN KEEP THE HOUSE!! EXCELLENT, OR WHAT??

IF YOU DON'T WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU WILL BE TOAST. YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR OWN INTERESTS.

Scarlet88 Wed 09-Jun-10 23:27:04

NO i am not leaving.........because i hope he will!!! AND i need the house for my young daughter........and why should i leave, when he's never really here anyhow!! smile and saturdays i'm out 80% of the day with friends and he has our daughter.

Awishes, look.
This man has pretty much enslaved you for 12 years, kept you as a domestic servant and made sure you have no money of your own.
You have taken the first good strong brave hopeful step by posting on here. He cannot have it all his own way, you are a human being and you do have rights.

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:33:12

That's just how I feel. I've made the house a home for us and want me and the kids to keep this home whereas he just sees it as somewhereto eat & sleep BUT of course in his eyes he has paid for it. I am sure that is the only reason that he is still here.I'm looking for the easy way out I think by waiting for him to leave - I need some legal advise to see if I can get him to leave.

awishes Wed 09-Jun-10 23:40:11

Sorry SolidGoldBrass my post crossed.
Now I have followed the link you gave and feel sick. Yes there is lots of abuse in this "marriage". Thank you.
Does anyone know if it will stand against me if I leave with the children? Close family keep telling me not to leave the home as it looks bad in court but I'm not sure if this is just a myth?

Call Women's Aid, love. They will at the very least recommend a solicitor to you.
What do your family mean about it 'looking bad in court' if you take the DC and leave this abusive man? Bear in mind that if he is physically violent he can be made to leave the home and not return.

awishes Thu 10-Jun-10 00:01:01

Yes I'll do that. He hasn't been violent but he is "unpredictable" and extremely short tempered - there hasn't been a family occasion where he hasn't caused a seen about something so much so that my whole family dread get togethers such as birthdays.
With regard to the leaving home bit - there just seems to be a general opinion that if I leave I will never get back into our home!
I feel like saying "who cares"! but know that I do have to protect my interests. I feel that if he were to leave me at least he could support himself but if I were to leave and I couldn't leave without DC I could not support the 3 of us (financially). Here I am back to money again.
Anyway all your advice has made my mind up to sort out some legal advice and i DO FEEL STRONGER. So thanks!

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jun-10 07:07:06

Not sure if you are still around this morning, but just wondering if you are OK

My advice to you today would be to ring Women's Aid (phone number will be on link that sgb posted)

They will support you and help you decide what practical steps to take to improve yours and your children's lives immeasurably

I would not tell him yet though what you are planning. He sounds like a nasty piece of work who may well progress to physical violence if he realises you have come to your senses, or, just as bad, turn on the charm to try and hoodwink you into staying in the relationship (before escalating the abuse to frighten you into remaining a frightened woman)

Get everything clear in your own mind before you do anything and seek some RL support to lean on...it sounds like you will really need it

Good luck x

awishes Thu 10-Jun-10 19:47:28

Thank you AnyFucker - that's really kind of you. I will ring Women's Aid. I do need some support.

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