Support needed from partner in early pregnancy, help me!!

[Jaynenott]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum, I am 9 weeks pregnant and suffering the usual fatigue and ! I need some help, advice and tips before I explode!

My partner is very caring, very excited and very pleased about the magic of my pregnancy. He's full of emotional support, hugs and ickle baby voices which he thinks is what I want.

The problem is, I feel so sick and tired I don't want to be touched, I'm exhausted and irritable and the baby voices make me want to kill him, and my busy full time + life has continued relentlessly despite me feeling ill. What I really need is him to use his initiative and have the house cleaned when I get home.

I've just driven for 4 hours back from a funeral. It's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day. I get home and the house is a mess and no tea is ready even though he promised it would be so I have a nap for an hour thinking I'll feel better and can eat a nice meal when I wake up. I wake up an hour later and nothing is cleaned and nothing is cooked and he's in the garden crafting a walking stick out of some trees he's cut down. I love the fact he is creative but why does he not understand that what I need right now is practical help, not dreamy idealism and baby voices?? I genuinely don't think I can cope with having a baby if this is the level of support I will be getting. It's not like he does nothing, he does more than his fair share of the housework but he just can't seem to up it to another level and give me the help I need on a practical level. I feel stressed and anxious constantly because the whole house is in a mess and that can't be good for my health. I find myself almost hyperventilating sometimes and I am normally a very calm and together person. Has anyone else struggled with getting the right help out if their partner? I know I need to talk to hi but I feel like every time I try he just has no idea what I mean. Opinions from dads also welcome.. Am I being unreasonable and hormonal and just can't see it? L

[Anniegetyourgun]

Looks like your post is in danger of slipping down the list without an answer, so I'll bump it with what little help I can offer.

The first trimester tends to be rough, as your hormones are changing rapidly, feeling sick and tired and grouchy is quite normal. The most likely scenario is that it'll settle down when you're around 13 weeks and then you will be in the typical "blooming" phase, over the morning sickness but not yet weighed down by the tum. People are often very understanding when the bump starts showing, but they don't always realise that you feel lousiest in the early stages, when the baby itself is just a wee dot but your body is doing massive things to get ready for it. I dare say intellectually you know all this stuff, of course, but going through it is something else.

Re the expectant father, this is all new to him as well of course, he doesn't have the hormonal changes but he does have the emotional ones. It's sweet how excited he is, but I can see how it would also be annoying! He also sounds fairly typically thick about what you need from him. I don't know whether he is capable of stepping up to the plate and doing what he needs to do - maybe he's so bloody creative and artistic that Planet Earth is one of those things that happens to ordinary people - in which case I hope you have supportive friends and family, otherwise you'll be having two helpless children to look after, one of them being a grown man! Assuming he's capable but just not seeing it, I think you have to give up on hoping for "initiative" (the majority of men don't do initiative too well when it comes to housework) and spell out EXACTLY how you're feeling, what you want and expect. A lot of it isn't his fault but you do need his understanding; as men don't go through pregnancy I can see why it might be hard for them to get their heads round what a change it makes to a woman (indeed, women who haven't been through pregnancy often don't have that empathy either). Some of it, however, is practical stuff he can and should do. Do I take it he either doesn't work or works shorter hours than you do? Then it's time to start laying down a routine, kindly but firmly.

[Pheebe]

Congratulations and all the very best wishes for your pregnancy

My advice would also be to tell your partner exactly how you feel and tell him now. Brutal honesty is the only way imo. You need to tell him exactly what you need, he isn't psychic and won't know.

[traumaqueen]

When I was first pregnant the first time I went to my GP because I thought I was dying of something!

Sounds like you have already gone from 'please do your bit' to specifics 'please cook some supper and tidy up the house'. So he knows what you need, and has decided not to do it (isn't this classic passive-aggressive?).

You probably recognise that NOT cooking you some food was a deliberate choice - it's something he actively chose not to do. He knew you needed food (and emotionally needed Tidy) and he chose not to do it for you.

Next step could be calm direct questioning - 'why didn't you cook me some supper yesterday?' 'you said you would tidy up but you didn't - why not?'. But do it in a way that makes it safe for him to really tell you how he feels and what he thinks - ie no shouting, good listening. And then if he is being a selfish twunk it's likely he will hear it for himself. If not you can gently ask 'and do you think that's fair?' type questions.

It will be so worth having this conversation right now - it will help prevent you settling into a pattern of him getting away with it and you living in a cloud of festering resentment (I speak from the heart and bitter experience).

He's proabably a whirlwind of emotions himself - the responsibility of fatherhood and fear of losing you a bit to the baby combined with a wife who is ill and stressed and needs a lot more support than he was especting and suddenly can't stand being touched (oh those BOOBS! AARGH)

Oh, and there will come a stage in pregnancy when you BLOSSOM. Just probably not now.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Tell him. Don't hint about it or skirt round the issue - men don't get that. Just tell him how you feel. Be honest, and that it's hormones/pregnancy/the first trimester - but that at this stage of the pregnancy, this is what you need him to do.

Don't do the jobs he promised he would do. Instead, go to your bedroom and lie down and read a good book, or have a long bath and relax.

But do understand that it is also hard for men to get the whole pregnancy thing, as it's not happening so tangibly to them. It's good that he is so excited in other ways, as it means he should be more receptive to you.