Pregnant and issues with my mother

[Funkycherry]

I'm hoping that this will make sense to someone. I'll probably ramble, as I can't seem to get what the issue is straight in my head. Please feel free to ask questions.

My mother and I aren't close. Haven't been since I was about 11 or 12(I'm now 34.) Not sure why. I tollerate her for a simpler life as my parents are still together and it would be too difficult to cut her out completely.

I'm pregnant. She's really excited about having her first GC.
I feel sick at the idea of her touching the child or buying it presents. I don't intend to ever leave my baby alone with her.
I know I have to let her have a relationship with it, but I'm finding it so hard to get past this in my mind.

I feel like such a freak because there is no logic to what I'm feeling.

[diddl]

Why do you have to let your child have a relationship with your baby/child?

[toja555]

Sorry that you are feeling this way. Maybe after you have a baby, you will see the mother-child connection a bit differently. You will take care of your child, the same way as your mum took care of you when you where little. I am sure she has given her all to you. Don't try to decide now whether you will leave your child with her or not. It will come naturally.. I hope it will change to a better side for all of you...

[Jamiki]

What changed when you were 11 or 12?

[Funkycherry]

diddl I just feel like I SHOULD. I have no reason not to (not that I can make sense of) and I'm close to my dad and normally see them together. I would feel mean if I didn't let her have some kind of relationship.

toja I hope so. I don't see we have a mother/child connection at all at the moment and it makes me sad.

Jamiki I've always assumed I turned into the teenage daughter from hell when I hit puberty.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hmm... it's quite normal for teenage children to fall out with their parents, but not so usual for it to continue for another 20 years, especially since you are able to get on with one parent but not the other. The fact that you feel "sick at the idea of her touching the child" suggests there's a lot more to this than a teenage spat you never got over. I don't believe you should just force yourself to ignore your feelings. Something, somewhere, is telling you there is something wrong. As your first duty is to protect your child, you need to get to the bottom of this. It may actually not be your mother's fault, but your instincts are telling you she is not to be trusted for a reason - maybe a skewed reason, in which case you need to find out the proper one for your own peace of mind if nothing else. If you have the resources for counselling I'd suggest a taster session or two.

Meanwhile, there is no law in this country that says you have to hand your precious child over to someone you don't feel comfortable with, even if it does happen to be its grandparent - although if you are there watching there's not a lot that can go wrong. Leaving the baby out of sight isn't something I'd want to do in the first few months anyway, so you don't have to give in to any persuasion on that front if you don't want to.

If you want a shocking eye opener, have a look at the Stately Homes thread where you will see what harm bad parenting can do down the generations. I bet you start off saying "but mine wasn't that bad", because everybody does. That doesn't mean you don't necessarily belong there. Suffice it to say that Toja's kindly words "You will take care of your child, the same way as your mum took care of you when you where little. I am sure she has given her all to you" do not apply in all cases.

[diddl]

Well it´s possible that your mum will be a completely doting grandmother & treat your child differently to how she treated you-if that´s the problem.

You´ll perhaps feel differently when baby is here.

I know my mum always expected to push the pram & part of me hated that as I felt-you´ve had your turn-now it´s mine!

And I was really close to my mum.
And it feels silly thinking back.

And if you don´t want to leave your baby with your mum-don´t!

[DutchOma]

Coming at it from the perspective of a grandmother, I would be so very hurt if my daughter felt like that about me and wouldn't explore why she felt like that.
Is it possible for you to work out what happened when you were 11 or 12 to bring some 'logic' to your thinking.
If she did something then that still upsets you more than 20 years later you can at least explain to yourself why you would feel 'sick' at the thought of her touching your baby. There may well be very good reasons for your anxiety, reasons you have pushed away because they are too painful to contemplate, but if you don't face them they will go on rumbling and affect your relationship with your child as well as with your mother.

[Funkycherry]

I had weekly phychotherapy for a year due to depression, but it tended to focus on how I feel now rather than dwelling on the past.

I can remember arguing with her alot as a teenager, but not what about. I also remember she always used to say "why are you so hostile towards me?"
I've always felt guilty for not being able to love her.

I took an overdose when I was 13, which she doesn't know about even though I lived there. (I woke up throwing up everywhere and told her it must be a bug of some kind.)
I think I feel like someone should have noticed how much pain I was in. Mind you, even now, I'm pretty good at appearing 'normal' to the outside world.

As for the sick feeling I get over physical contact with her; I won't let her touch me at all. If she even touches my arm I pull away over dramatically.

[DutchOma]

What a very difficult situation and not one that can be solved in five minutes flat if it didn't get touched on in a year of psychotherapy.
Is there anybody in real life who can help you explore the past a bit?
What is your husband's take on this?

[Rhinestone]

Funkycherry, I could have pretty much written your post except I don't get on with my dad and I have no DC (ttc in a non-urgent fashion at the mo!)

But I also pull away when she touches me and if I did have a DC would feel sick at the thought of my parents looking after it. Don't know why but have felt like this for a long time. My parents are very controlling though and I don't have a great relationship with them.

Saw parents at the weekend and Mum was flirting with DH as usual and subtly putting me down in front of him.

I also recommend the Stately Homes thread and the 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' website - worth Googling.

For me, this is getting worse, not better. No answers, just wanted you to know you're not alone and well-meaning posters who don;t know where you're coming from simply won't know where you're coming from!

[Funkycherry]

Rhinestone - thanks for the support.

I've done my own head in with this this week, so I'm just going to bury it at the back of my mind again until I can face it again.

I WILL work through it at some point though, as I feel I'll be more contented with life in general when I do.

BTW - Oma, love your name - I used to call my dads mum Oma when she was alive.

[Rhinestone]

Good luck and go easy on yourself. You have the right to your feelings.