Reassure me that I've done the right thing. Please.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

(please excuse me if I miss any 'e's out, my 'e' key is on the blink, and if I keep bashing the keyboard to make sure I always get it, I'll wake the dc's)

I've posted on here a few times, about the problems myself and dp have been having over th past few months. We have had a LOT of lieing, he's made moves on 2 of my friends (both when drunk), he spends money we don't have, he is the vilest person you could meet when he's had a drink, he verbally and occasionally physically abuses me (when drunk), he does sod all to help with dd (5 months), and once, just under 2 years ago, he forced me into a sexual act, although he did stop it almost straight away.
Today I finally told him I wanted him to leave, and he has gone to his Dads. He hasn't taken all of his things, as it would upset ds (2), just took a change of clothes. He rang me after about an hour saying he had forgotten his trainers, and when he turned up to get them he was all doled up in his nice jeans & top, hair done, aftershave on etc. He's going out on the fucking piss!!! Now I know it's got nothing to do with me now, but bloody hell, shows how sad he is for things to have ended.
So, please reassure me that I've done the right thing. We have 2 dc together, and I have never been with anybody else. I know now I am going to get people looking down their noses at me more than they do already, I'm 20 & a single Mum, I never wanted this. I thought we'd be together forver, I thought we could make it work. How fucking naive. I feel completely and utterly exhausted, and I don't know where to go from here. I don't work, I've gone back to college, so I'm either going to have to live off benefits for a while, or give up on my dream of being a midwife & get a job. I really don't know what to do.
Sorry for rambling.

[onepieceoflollipop]

My initial response is to say good for you for making the decision.

Now you just have to find a way of staying firm. Find a way of making it more permanent, e.g. arranging for him to collect the rest of his stuff when the dcs aren't home.

Also find ways of occupying yourself and getting rl support so that you aren't preoccupied with what he is doing and what you might be missing.

[Hodie]

You have done the right thing.

You can live off benefits and study to be a midwife. Go to your local neighbourhood office and make enquiries about what you are entitled to. Then make some pronto enquiries with a careers adviser as to how to go about starting your training.

By doing these things, you will become in control both financially and mentally. These are the most important things that you can do for yourself and your little ones.

Good luck.

[kittycat37]

You've done the right thing. Good for you.
I second what onepiece says about staying firm.

[doiadmitdefeatorfight]

I would say you have definitely done the right thing! Well done and you will be fine!

Don't give up on the college course, you'll be able to get all sorts of help and to be honest its easier being a single mum studying than it is working, I went back to uni following my divorce as I could fit everything around Ds who was 4 at the time and it gives you confidence and a chance to make good friends and realise that you are a great person!!

Remember you no longer need this man, he can have a relationship with your dc separate to you and while he was a crap dp he may step up and be a good dad. He may not but that's down to him.

Have a lovely long bath and treat yourself, I know its hard with a little one but look after yourself and get rid of his stuff asap or else he will forever be 'popping' by to get x' y and z.. Your Ds will be fine with his stuff gone!

[LucyDeSpiderman]

Oh thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I so needed to hear that!
Hodie, I am at college at the moment doing an access course, which, should I pass, will lead to a midwifery degree. Although with all of the crap I've had over the past year, I doubt I will pass the course.
I will tell him he needs to get his things. Infact, I'll get all of his things clean (have been a lot bit slack on the washing front recently, so there are hardly any clean clothes in the house) and pack them for him. So he has no excuse. That will be hard though .
I'm going to ring my Mum in a second, and tell her. She always makes me feel better.
God this is scary.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

doiadmitdefeatorfight - x-posted with you there. I do hope he steps up and is a good Dad. I'd hate for my dc to lose out because their parents are idiots who took on too much, too young. I'll kill him if he hurts them, actually kill him!
I just keep welling up. I'm on anti-d's for PND, and this just really hasn't helped. But maybe in the long run, it will help. Only time will tell I guess.

[Hodie]

LucyDespiderman, you will pass.

If you have to do a retake, do it. Focus your mind on this aspect of your life. Once this access course is done and dusted, everything else will then fall into place.

[beekeeper2]

Lucy-be strong-I would advise you to talk to your tutors at college-I am a tutor and they will know where you can get help-often colleges have lots of support in place for students, all students face difficulties and tutors are well accustomed to these difficulties so let them know and they can help/ Don't give up on your dream but there may be other ways to get there-the most important thing at the moment is that you stay strong for yourself and your children- the time may not be just right but you will get there in the end if its right for you-your children will respect mummy if she is strong and has a fulfilling career-you sound very strong for someone so young, lean on your friends and family, take care of yourself because you need to be there for your children-they are lucky to have such a positive role model,
all the best....beekeeper2XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[ninah]

well done lucy
as for him coming back all dolled up to get his trainers - bravado. Don't take it to heart
Like you I worried about stigma of being lon p before I became one - but you'd be pleasantly surprised, people don't all treat you the way the media would suggest! I have made some great friends since - in a snobby bigoted village too lol
also there is lots of support for lone ps to study, I have done two courses as well as working and it feels like a huge achivement you will probably concentrate better on your studies without his drunken antics tbh
and (sshhh) lone ps whose ex's are in contact with dc have more child free time than most couples
You did the right thing. Good luck

[BertieBotts]

Lucy, can I just say WELL DONE. This is a huge step, your new life begins now. How exciting!

I too left my emotionally abusive ex-partner, 6 months ago, I am 21, so I know what it's like being a young single mum. I am hopefully (fingers crossed!) going to uni in October to do a part time degree in Social Work. It has been hard the last 6 months, but I'm not lying, it's been wonderful compared to being with XP. (And ninah is right - I actually get more time off now than I did when I was with him. Touch wood.) XP has gone off and lived the high life since I left too - I am surprised by how little this bothers me.

Talk to the college, go to connexions and see if they have a service in your area for people over 19, and see what your options are. Definitely continue with your studies though if you want to - that is what benefits are for, to enable you to do things like this! If you go on to uni you probably won't be on benefits anyway, depending on the course. But there is no shame in it, it's not like you are planning on being on them for ever.

[leftorright]

You have done the right thing. I am twice your age (yikes!!) with 3 young kids and at the beginning of the year called it a day with my STBX. It still upsets me that, like you, the person I had all these plans with could not step up - and at our age I really expected him to want to grow up. You've been brave, and your life is just beginning. If you can be friendly with him to keep it sweet for the kids, then you have definitely succeeded. Good luck - you have taken the harder route, but I think your integrity is intact and you won't have years of worrying about the effect a bad relationship/role model will have on your kids.

[mrsfollowill]

You have been so brave - well done. It sounds like you are well rid of him. Your comment about living on benefits- that is what benefits are for. You have been in a dreadful position through no fault of your own and have done the right thing. You have a clear goal about what you want to do eventually and need a helping hand. Hope all this works out for you and stay strong

[Tanga]

Don't you DARE do his fucking laundry. Chuck it all in a bag and let him do it. Do good things for you and the children. Keep your dignity - get rid of the washing!

[vintagewarrior]

Trust me in a few months you'll look back and wonder what you were so scared of, free your spirit, good luck x

[LucyDeSpiderman]

Aww it was so lovely getting up to all of these messages this morning.
Last night was eventful! Any doubts I had in my mind about leaving him were squashed anyway. He rang me at around 2.30am asking if he could come home. He told me he'd been using cocain(e??), but he wasn't drunk, and he hadn't been having a good time . When I told him no, that we weren't together & he needed to go back to his Dads he had a little rant which ended in "fine, you wont see me again" and the phone put down. I didn't worry, he was drunk & I knew he'd feel like an idiot this morning. BUT then I got a text saying he wasn't enjoying his life, that he loved me & his kids & he was going to the canal. I tried ringing him - no answer, just another text about 5 minutes later saying goodbye. I'll admit it, I panicked. I rang his Dad (the dc were asleep obviously, so I couldn't leave the house to look for him) who went and drove around to see if he could see him, but he had no luck. I felt like I had no choice but to ring the police, I knew he was probably just attention seeking, but because he'd taken drugs and by then his phone was going straight to answerphone I couldn't take the chance. I rang the local police number, and she put me through to the emergency services. They took his details, what he was wearing etc, and said they'd start looking, and send someone to my house. His Dad came round too, as he couldn't find him but didn't just want to go home.
I was so, so scared. Anyway, after a couple of hours I managed to get in touch with him. He was blabbering on about how he was going to th train station so he could go somewhere to start a new life. He said he wasn't going to hurt himself but he wouldn't tell me where he was. I rang the police back and told them he was ok, and apologised for wasting their time. The woman I spoke to was so lovely about it though, and told me I hadn't wasted their time, and that they would still keep an eye out for him.
He ended up back here at about 4am. I let him in and he got in bed and went to sleep. He's gone to do a course at work this morning, but woke up in a foul mood, swearing about everything. I can't belive he did it, I was so worried. He's just not the person I thought he was, he's like a stranger to me now.
Tanga - that did make me laugh. Ok, I wont do his laundry. I promise
I have to say that after last night, instead of feeling scared and apprehensive about the future without him, I am actually looking forward to life without him. I'm so thankful that I have my children, but bloody hell, what on earth was I thinking staying with him for so long??

[doiadmitdefeatorfight]

his behaviour last night was classic controlling, making you think he would hurt himself etc, my ex did this once too and like you i called the police.

Dont let him control you like that again. Dont let him back in your house/bed, and make it clear he doesnt live there anymore, dont let him sculk back today after work...

When you go to bed, unless he has the dc, turn off all your phones so he cant do this again!

[expatinscotland]

He's a violent, abusive alcoholic and drug user.

You've done the right thing to get away from him.

You'd never treat a partner like this, therefore you don't deserve someone who behaves like this to you.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I can't believe you let him in though!

[onwardsmummy]

Just saw this and had to post. Please don't let him stay at your house!! After everything he has done to you, you deserve more than this. Having lived with an abuser, plus drink drugs gambling etc.. I can say that getting away from him was the best thing I ever did. Life is more about me and less about pandering to some controlling person. And life is much much sweeter!! Stay strong. Keep talking to your mum! Good luck!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I was also wondering what possessed you to let him back in. Do not let him control you in such a manner ever again, all of his actions last night were designed to control and manipulate you further.

Keep away from him and stay away from him as of now. Disengage from him completely and show him that he dose not live there any longer. You're not his muse and you cannot allow yourself to be drawn in yet again.

Also you need to work on you subsequently to rebuild your own self esteem and worth after what he's done to it. Rebuild your life without him in it. You can go to college and do a midwifery course.

Your dysfunctional relationship with him is certainly no decent role model for your children to be witness to either.

[onwardsmummy]

Yes you must keep away from him. Can you change the locks? Getting some professional support via women's aid would be useful... They're at womensaid.org I believe.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

I know I shouldn't have let him in, but it was that or have him banging the door & waking the dc's.
I have to say, something positive has come out of this!! I have just had 2 rather dishy policemen sat on my sofa . Just following last night up, they were lovely . Shame I was in my 'house clothes' haha.
I have just spoken to dp, he's back to his normal self again, being nice, telling me he loves me etc. It's when he's like this that I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I know I am this time though. I hope. It's just so haaaard. Even after all he's done, I don't want to hurt him, and I know he loves me, me & the kids are all he has really, his family is mostly a let down. He's bought (or should that be brought?? ) this on himself though hasn't he.

[Anniegetyourgun]

He so totally has brought it on himself, yes. Your duty is to look after your children, not to be there for the convenience of a selfish, drunk, violent, (trying to be) unfaithful sex pest. You say he loves you, but it's in the way he loves his trainers, something he can put on when it pleases him, then chuck in the cupboard in between times. You're not a person with feelings and needs, to him; you're part of his lifestyle which he doesn't want to change because it suits him. That's what he means by love. You are the one who actually cares, the one who will change her life for people she loves. You're projecting your decent feelings onto him - they're not his feelings. He'd rather go out on the piss and grope your friends, knowing he can make up for it by being nice for a few days after.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh, and if he's learned it from his let down of a family, but he promises he'll change for you and the kids, which I bet he will because it's all part of the script: if you let him worm his way back in without any of that he will not change, however much he swears he will. He won't have any reason to, because all he has to do is make a damned nuisance of himself followed by a couple of days' fake contrition, then go on pleasing himself. Let him prove he really intends to change before coming back to live with you. Let him dry out, spend his own money for a change, show he can support himself, date you and take the kids out for nice family days. Let him show he has what it takes to be a good partner and father.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oops, clumsy cutting and pasting made less sense of that. But I hope you realise what I'm getting at. Puppy dog eyes, finally actually picking up the baby, giving you hope that he really is sorry this time... it's an act, hon. Talented actors aren't just on the telly, they're keeping their other halves on a string the world over.