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me and alcohol have ruined my family

(1000 Posts)
jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:32:34

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him sad

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

nancydrewrocks Mon 31-May-10 12:46:40

Rarely is it ever too late.

You have taken a huge step contacting AA. Well done.

Sorry I don't have any direct experience of this but no doubt someone will be along that does...

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:49:22

Go to a meeting. Today. You've made a wonderful first step in acknowledging that you have a problem with alcohol.

AA will help you stop, but for now, if it helps, take it one hour at a time. For the next hour, don't have a drink. And carry on like that. When you feel ready you can take it one day at a time.

Don't stay sober to put things right. Stay sober because you are ill and alcohol makes you worse. Just try that for now.

My DH is an alcoholic. He has been sober for nearly 3 and a half years now. We're so much happier now than we were when he was drinking and had he carried on I'd have left him by now. We are much happier as a family without alcohol.

Can you get to a meeting today? They meet regardless of bank holidays.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:50:23

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Go to a meeting.

Today.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:51:29

thanks nancy - im just sitting here waiting for dh to come home, i have the most agonising feeling that he is going to say he has had a gut full and that its over sad

i dont think he will be impressed by my admitting my problem, will proberbly say he has heard it all before etc

i just want him and dd to love again, they are my absolute life.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:53:23

thanks everyone, a lady has called me to say that there is a meeting tomorrow. i WILL be going

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:55:01

im such a fuck-up, just sitting here crying, how fucking pathetic

Snuppeline Mon 31-May-10 12:55:20

Well done, you've made a huge step! Do as the others say, go to the AA today. They will help you get through the rough patches as you learn to live without alcohol. They will also help you reach out to your family and seek reconsiliation with them. Its all part of their 12 steps. If your worried your words wont convince them you must show them you mean business with your actions. It may take a long time for them to trust you but then again you have had a long time to teach them not to trust you so its only fair if you get to work a bit at the relationship thing isn't it? Don't give up. You have realised what is key;, that your family means more to you than alcohol, now prove it to them.

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:55:51

You MUST go. You must stop drinking for yourself. Will you come back here and let us know how you got on?

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:56:37

You aren't pathetic. You have identified that you have a problem and you are prepared to do something about it. That makes you strong.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:57:06

however fucked up your life is, it's even more fucked up if you are drinking.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:58:02

so stop. every hour you don't drink is an hour of your life back.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 13:02:46

thanks expat - im just so scared that this is it, i really have damaged things so badly that my marriage is unfixable - and he really is the love of my life sad without him and dd, my life isnt worth a sack of shit.

Lambriniknickers Mon 31-May-10 13:08:37

Well done for admitting you have a problem.

My mother is an alcoholic, and has been an abusive, vindictive drunk for as long as I can remember. But she, and the rest of my family ignore the problem. Had she taken the massive step you have taken today I know I would have forgiven everything. I can't speak for your DD, but I imagine that for her the relief will be immense.

Well done again and good luck. Please come back and let us know how you are getting on.

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 13:08:47

You need to show them that you've changed. But do try not to make your drinking dependent on them doing/saying things. They will end up resenting you. Do this for you. The fixing of your relationships will follow.

TrappedinSuburbia Mon 31-May-10 13:10:52

I tend to binge drink and quite often it ends in horrendous fights with my dp (he's left a few times). My ds misses out on doing stuff at the weekend as im too hungover.

I was thinking about AA as well, don't know if i'll have the guts to go though or if my problem is bad enough.

Please let me know how you get on at the meeting and what its like, I may make it there yet.

CarGirl Mon 31-May-10 13:13:23

trapped your problem is bad enough find those guts and take that step x

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 13:16:11

What cargirl said. Give it a go. No one will throw you out for not being addicted enough.

deste Mon 31-May-10 13:20:17

I think you should also see your GP. There is help out there but you should probably be on medication. I have two clients going through the same thing. Two of them went to a clinic. One stayed the full term, the other left early. The one who went the full term is brilliant and the other now wishes she continued. Luckily she is being given another chance. Good luck.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 13:25:25

ok, got to go, dh is home, the look of hurt in his eyes is just dreadful, will be back later or tomorow

Earlybird Mon 31-May-10 13:27:55

It used to infuriate me when either of my parents behaved abominably when drunk, and then slobbered all over me when sober/hungover, filled with regret/asking me to 'forgive' them, when I knew their sorrow was superficial panic and nothing would change in my life in real terms. It would all happen again, and again. And they'd be even more sorry next time.

i think going to an AA meeting is an important first step to show your parents, dh and dd that you recognise you have a problem and know that your behaviour is not OK. Regular attendance at AA will show them that rather than simply being sorry about how you've acted, and being afraid of the consequences, you are taking steps to learn new ways of behaving.

I think rebuilding the relationships you've damaged through drink/your behaviour will come incrementally - day by day - as you show your family you can be trusted, and that you really are changing. AA can help you with that, and will support you as you learn a new way of living your life.

Good luck.

maryz Mon 31-May-10 13:31:31

A good friend once told me that the only way she could give up alcohol was to be more scared of something else than of doing without, if you know what I mean.

In her case the "something else" was losing her children. So when her husband left and took the children (to her mother's actually) she realised that there was something that was more painful than doing without a drink. She went to an AA meeting that day (she had been before, but never really meant it, just wanted to keep her husband happy), and then signed herself into a 6-week inpatient programme.

She hasn't had a drink since (10 years ago). Her husband returned the children when she had been sober for 6 months, and actually moved back in himself after about a year.

She didn't think she could live without drinking, but she found that in reality what she couldn't live without was her children. She had to get to rock bottom to see it.

Hopefully you are there now - there is only one way from rock bottom and that is up smile.

Snorbs Mon 31-May-10 13:45:05

As the (ex) partner of an alcoholic, the best I can recommend is that your DP is probably going to be looking at what you do now, not what you say you're going to do.

It's very easy to make promises about stopping drinking and that's great, but if you make those promises and then break them then that just erodes trust. And an apology for getting pissed and treating him like shit is worthless if you just go and get pissed and treat him like shit all over again.

You can break out of this cycle. But it's going to take actions, not just words.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 16:49:10

im back, he just nipped out - god the man is a saint, he says he still loves me, but dosent like me at the moment, but that he still feels we have something worth saving. he has looked at a load of AA websites and is prepared to be as supportive as possible, he will go to the al anon meeting near us next week. i offered to move out for a while but he says he dosent want me to.

i spoke to dd on the phone, she is refusing to come home from her boyfriends house right now, i cant say i blame her sad

so many posts on here have relevance to our family situation

earlybird - that is exactly what i need to avoid with my dd, she is 18 and not daft and i cannot keep hurting her like this

lambriniknickers - that sounds just like my dm, the trouble is, i can see myself going the same way.

snorbs - you aint wrong girl, sorry will mean nothing if i dont follow through

bloody hell, what a sorry state of affairs for a woman my age sad

Jesuswhatnext, you are bloody BRILLIANT... You want proof of that? Here goes:

You are making the right step for you, you are admitting you need help, and are going to AA.

Your DH has been through a lot, but he still sees the person he fell in love with. He doesn't like what she is doing, but he hasn't given up on you, has he?

So don't YOU give up on YOU!

Looking at the tales from the other ladies here, and you saying that you can see yourself going the same way. If you hadn't pulled yourself up and got help, like you just have, it could have happened, but you know what? It won't now, cos you have lots and lots of people around you looking out for you.

Sure you have to do it for yourself, no-one can do it for you, but if it helps, USE the images of how the ladies here with Alcoholic mums have suffered and resolve and promise yourself that you are not going to go to that place.

One step at a time, one minute a time. YOU CAN (and will) do it.

We are all of us here for you, don't you ever forget that?

Your meeting is tomorrow right? Until then, please use us as your sponsor? Come shout for help on the Chat board if you need us to keep you busy?

HUGE HUGS

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 17:52:56

if you're in the London area, there's a really helpful poster here who offers to accompany folks to their first meeting.

you're doing the right thing.

you don't need this stuff, jesus.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 18:24:46

thanks so much all of you

expat - the lady i spoke to today is meeting me 10 mins before the meeting, she sounded so nice and unlike my dm did not seem to feel the need tell me what a bitch i have been hmm

hissy, that was a lovely post smile and actually bought a smile to my face, i may well pop over to chat tomorrow after ihave

showered
done my hair
put make-up on
sorted out a resonable outfit

i cant tell you all what a relief it is to talk about all this, the fact my dh still wants me is incredible, he has just opened some ginger beer as the beginning of a new era.

i just dont want to let him and dd down again

DEPECHEMODEFANISBACK Mon 31-May-10 18:34:59

Miflaw, will pop in at some point I'm sure ! He had some wise words for me in the past. Good luck Jesus !

cryhavoc Mon 31-May-10 19:13:02

Jesuswhatnext-my mother might sound like yours, but you sound completely different (it's lambriniknikers, namechanged from my Ashes to Ashes name from last week).
You have realised that you are at risk of going the same way, and taken steps to stop yourself. That is a million miles away from anything the alcoholic in my life has done, so already you are different,
Can I echo other posters and say please use us if you need to talk?

I wish you and your family all the luck in the world.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 19:37:55

well, have just eaten my first wine free evening meal since i cant remember, cant say i enjoyed it much sad i think that the day has been too 'full-on' iyswim to enjoy anything much - am going to have an early night with a cup of tea and a book and then start tomorrow as i mean to go on smile

i feel resonably positive, now i just need to convince dd to come home

am also going to sign up for a yoga class, something i have always wanted to do.

anyhow, have not had a drink today, that must be a start?

verycherry Mon 31-May-10 19:39:13

Wishing you all the luck in the world, my db is an alcoholic he started going to AA about 8 months ago he has received fantastic support and made new, genuine friends.

Whilst I am supportive of him I remain neutral and a bit detached, however he doesn't need to prove his will to change to me he needs to prove it to himself.

I hope the meeting tomorrow is good for you, my db found it v positive but was slightly put off by the 'god bits' but he now sees that in context for what it is.

Keeping everything crossed for you xxx

proud of you jesuswhatnext!
good for you! [beam]

Good luck tomorrow, see you later we hope, on chat!!

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 09:39:45

well, i got through the night without a drink, slept fairly well but still feel sick, sort of quesy hungover feeling - had another chat with dh this morning, he wants us to do more together, stuff that dosent involve drinking.

so, tomorrow we are going to a health club, see what we think and maybe sign up, he is also trying to get dd to join us, just hope she will come.

i have my AA meeting at 12.30, so am going to get my act together and try and look half decent.

i have also had a good look around this house this morning and i can see that i have been neglecting things blush, so, this afternoon heralds a new beginnging of cleanliness, it will help give me a focus and keep my hands busy! (i hope)

llareggub Tue 01-Jun-10 10:17:45

Just some practical advice: get some orange juice and some sweets in to keep your blood sugar levels up. Your body will be used to having the sugar from the alcohol so keep drinking the juice and eating the sweets. You will feel rubbish for a week or so, but it will get better.

Good luck with your meeting. My DH gets enormous strength from his meetings. Ask for some AA books while you are there, they are definitely worth a read, particularly in the early days of your sobriety.

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 10:28:17

thanks, i will get some sweets - maybe have a few for 'pudding' but only if i dont drink!

just sorted out my bedroom and underwear drawer blush, chucked out all the horrid old stuff and made a promise to myself that from now on, only matching nice stuff will do, time to rebuild my self respect i think! will surely help?

Acinonyx Tue 01-Jun-10 10:35:34

Well done!

I have to watch how much I drink. It's an act of will and it will be like this indefinitley - it's tough - but you have to keep the alternative in mind.

Two small things. If you start having trouble sleeping, I find herbal sleeping tablets very helpful (I use the Night Kalms for example).

Also, keep something reasonably tasty and harmless to keep sipping on. I buy a bunch of fresh limes and have one in fizzy water. I can't do just plain water and this is my favourite low-cal healthy tipple. Sometimes I have diet bitter lemon - just something tasty that's not water that I don't have to ration and can just sip at - you are used to putting glass to mouth now - it's a bit like the smoker's reflex. Find one that suits you.

Acinonyx Tue 01-Jun-10 10:37:04

Good point though, that you do need to keep your blood sugar level OK. When it dips, you will really crave a drink.... then have juice and/or snack.

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 10:44:41

last night a made a list of all the positive things about my giving up the booze, reading it this morning has fired me up a bit more, am now washed dressed and make-up on, have put some washing on and am now about to tackle the hell hole that is my airing cupboard before i go out.

trying so hard not to wallow in self pity sad

i will get some limes as well, sounds lovely and refreshing.

owlets Tue 01-Jun-10 10:55:48

Hi there,
I just want to wish you good luck. You have done so well in admitting your problem, and some excelent addvise has been given to you aswell.
I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks now. It was a combination of things that made me want to stop, but I really don't think I'd have been able to follow it through without the support I found on mumsnet, with the AA, and from my (also saintly!) husband.
I hope the meeting goes well today. I have to admit that I didn't 'get it' on the first meeting (7 meeting on, I'm still unsure exactly what I make of it) BUT, I have found it so useful in making me see the seriousness of my drinking problem. THe people i've met have been so kind to me and generous in their time and advise. PLEASE perservere with it even if you find it odd to start with.
Things will get better for you. I promise.
I will keep checking on here to see if you are ok.
All the best
x

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 11:01:31

just had a genius thought grin i need to get a bit of food shopping later, was a bit worried as the booze is right by the till - solution - go across the road to the halal shop, lovely food, no temptation - win-win

owlets Tue 01-Jun-10 11:22:46

Good plan!
I've been eating 3 very healthy meals a day in the last fortnight, but having treats during the day and in the evenings when i'd normally be at the wine. I've also been taking vit C and vit B supliments. In the first week I felt quite grotty (sort of fluey and achey), but now I am feeling so energised its unbelievable... like a different me! I'd reccommend it.
Also, I think making yourself feel good on the outside is very important too. Take long baths, wear nice clothes and undies, get a haircut, embrace the new life style!
Good luck x

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 11:35:21

thanks owlets, am going to my first meeting now [glup] wish me luck, i feel terrified sad

cryhavoc Tue 01-Jun-10 13:46:27

Hi jwn, how did it go?
Your posts sound really positive today, well done.

owlets Tue 01-Jun-10 15:31:38

How did you find it?
Been thinking positive thoughts for you!
Take care x

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 15:46:59

hi - back home now, well, it went really well, i'm so pleased i went, i will be going tomorow as well. i did kind of 'get it', i've always had a kind of faith, just a quiet one that dosent need a denomination iyswim, i think that will help alot.
i was really surprised though that the room was mainly women of my age sad, i'm not sure what i expected but it wasnt that confused

i'm bloody exausted now and getting a headache., stress i suppose. one good thing though, i think i will take it as a kind of sign - the other night i lost a ring, had no idea what the hell i had done with it, couldn't remember sad i thought is was gone for good - i found it in the bottom of the kitchen bin just now smile

thanks for all the support, it REALLY does help. smile

maryz Tue 01-Jun-10 16:03:04

Well done. Now just stay steady - don't be too happy with how it's going or you may set yourself up for a fall if you know what I mean (a high followed by a low is no use to you at the moment, you just want to go along smoothly).

Slow and steady does it. Don't try to do too much, just think ahead one day at a time (or even one hour). Don't think past tomorrow's meeting. And don't try to do too much else. Look after yourself.

A daytime meeting is likely to be full of middle aged women - all of us SAHMs who waited until after bedtime to have a glass of wine, and then as the children got older it became a couple of glasses, then we started earlier.

I have almost given up drinking now because I saw so many friends on the slippery slope and was afraid I would get there myself one day sad.

Best of luck - you're doing great smile

owlets Tue 01-Jun-10 16:21:44

Well done, thats fantastic!
Keep in there, one day at a time... Its the only way.
Its going to get better, its going to get easier, but there will be downs as well as ups. If you do slip up, don't be scared to go back to AA. They have seen it all before!

Keep the list of positive things about not drinking with you and read it and add to it as much as you can. Thats what I do. Its been keeping me focused.

Keep up the good work! you should be proud of yourself. And so should your DH and DD!
x

MIFLAW Tue 01-Jun-10 18:09:56

Too late seems to imply that it cannot get any worse than it is now.

Believe me, it really can.

Most people are pleasantly surprised by how much they are able to get back, one way or another, sooner or later, when they stop drinking (not cutting down - stopping) and putting their life in order.

But it is nothing compared to the surprise of those who thought they had lost everything and then find out that, actually, there was so much more that they went on to lose.

Go to AA, take the help and advice that is offered to you, keep it simple, keep coming back even if you fuck up.

It can get better, or it can get worse.

Perhaps for the first time in years, today you have a choice.

Please take it.

S

MIFLAW Tue 01-Jun-10 18:17:37

Bloody hell, just seen how well you're doing (hadn't read the rest of the thread) and realise I sound like voice of doom!

Just keep at it, one day at a time. Expect to feel shit for a few days - perhaps for the first time in years, you are seeing a hangover through to the bitter end and it probably won't be fun. Still, unlike alcohol, a hangover never killed anyone, and nor did a sleepless night, a simple headache, too much chocolate, or too many thoughts, so just try to take them on the chin and take my word for it that they will soon be over and will not come back.

Marvellous news that you have a faith, btw, but if you don't, don't worry about it. Ditto the Steps. If and when you're ready, these things will sort themselves out. For now, get to meetings and stay away from the first drink, one day at a time. (Incidentally, when the pot comes round after the meeting, I used to put in a pound like most other people. Nowadays I put in what I would guess to be the price of a pint of bitter - in other words, the first drink. Helps me stay focussed on why I'm there. Just an idea.)

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 18:21:38

had a couple of hours sleep and feel much better - the evening is always a hard one for me, but, my intention is not to drink tonight.

i will finish my airing cupboard [its contents are currently in the hallway) cook me and dh some dinner then another early night for me.

that is my choice for this evening.

MIFLAW Tue 01-Jun-10 18:26:14

BTW Trappedinsuburbia

"I tend to binge drink and quite often it ends in horrendous fights with my dp (he's left a few times). My ds misses out on doing stuff at the weekend as im too hungover.

I was thinking about AA as well, don't know if i'll have the guts to go though or if my problem is bad enough."

How bad do you WANT it to be? It's bad enough when you say so. If that's not yet, just keep doing what you're doing, because I absolutely promise you it is going to get worse. Just give it time.

Or you could face up to it now.

I went to AA when I was about 28. When I hear the older guys sharing that they "came in" when they were 40, or 50, I think to myself, "how brave you must have been." Because my drinking was already a shambles when I was 28, yet there was no way I could have stopped unaided. The thought of another 10 or 20 years of the same - or, more probably, progressivley worse - fills me with terror, even now.

Be nice to yourself and don't let that be you. It's never too late, but it's never too early either.

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 18:28:35

thanks miflaw - btw - is it significant that the 'pot' for money is an old pewter tankard?

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 18:31:47

i keep reliving the way my dd looked at me yesterday, the pain and hurt in her eyes is unbearable sad, it fills me with shame to think that i caused that sad she is still refusing to come home.

MIFLAW Tue 01-Jun-10 18:38:21

You have probably been getting on your daughter's nerves for some time now - don't expect it to be sorted overnight. But do be reassured that stopping drinking and taking action to stay stopped is the single biggest thing you can do toy put things right, so just be patient and give time time. She will learn to trust you again.

The pewter tankard has significance for that group, I'm sure - but it isn't a standard thing. In AA's early days they literally "passed the hat" - some groups have bags, some just use a plastic cup.

The real significance is that you remember what it's for and pull your weight to the best of your abilities. For many of us, that pound (or 50p, or even a handful of shrapnel) is the first time in a long time where we have attempted to carry ourselves instead of sponging off those around us.

BTW where are you? I'm in South East London.

maryz Tue 01-Jun-10 18:41:44

Jesus, just a thought - is she afraid to come home because she thinks you are making this effort because she is refusing to come home? Does she think that the minute she comes back you will relax and go back to the way you were?

If there is any truth at all in that, then maybe allow her to stay where she is for the moment. Get through a bit more first. Then if things go wrong she is less likely to blame herself.

I have a friend whose mother regularly gave up drinking when they put their feet down. As soon as they "forgave" her, she started again, so they blamed themselves even more.

This hard work is for you. In the end it will benefit her, but you are doing it for you. Keep remembering that.

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 19:01:48

i'm in suffolk

maryz - you are proberbly right, the poor kid has not had an easy time of it lately and i understand that she needs a rest from me sad i just want to give her her home back iyswim.

jesuswhatnext Tue 01-Jun-10 21:27:57

right, am off to bed now, had a bit of dinner, no wine smile, so day 2 is nearly over and i made it through - am going to AA tomorrow, feel almost pleased with myself.

MIFLAW Tue 01-Jun-10 23:42:04

Don't feel almost pleased.

Feel really pleased.

By the time you get to your next meeting, assuming no mishaps, you will be nearly three days sober.

Even as I write this, there are people phoning AA helplines all over the world who cannot even imagine what three days sober feels like.

I know because once I was one of them.

To those people you are half hero, half god and, in some ways, more inspiring that people like me who have been sober for a long time (they think we must be freaks or were never proper alkies in the first place.)

So feel very pleased and proud and, one day at a time, stick at it.

Sean

jesuswhatnext Wed 02-Jun-10 09:42:50

hope people don't mind me keep using this thread but is is helping!

ok, so begins day 3 - got up very positive, sorted out kitchen, put some washing out then , oh shit, my dm calls, she is coming round to see me to talk, what that means is that she will talk at me for a bit, point out all my shortcomings and failings etc, tell me its all my own fault and then leave.

then i get a call from work, very important that i go to a networking event tonight (this is important, we are struggling as a business and other people rely on me to try and get new business in)

shit shit shit

now have a massive fucking headache and my stomach is churning

miflaw, if you are there please come and talk!

owlets Wed 02-Jun-10 09:44:39

Well done JWN, and as Miflaw said, you deserve to feel really pleased with yourself.
Are you going to another meeting today? I think swamping yourself in them at the start is a really good idea. I can't manage one a day, but do go as much as possible.
I'm still sending you positive thoughts
x

DameGladys Wed 02-Jun-10 10:05:59

Tell your DM not to come. You can say NO you know.

If it's too late and she turns up then just answer the door with your coat on and say you've been called urgently somewhere, eg work.

At all costs do not sit and listen to someone denigrate you. You're doing so well, you don't need unnecessary obstacles thrown in your way.

jesuswhatnext Wed 02-Jun-10 10:16:16

thanks - yes owlets i AM going to a meeting today, at 12.30 so its going to be fresh in my mind as i get on the train later (yet another 'trigger' for me, i always have a drink, there and back blush

damegladys - yes i can say no usually its just at the moment i feel as weak as a kitten and almost have a need to be made to feel as awful as possible as thats what i deserve iyswim, it may sound totally stupid but i cant help it sad

MIFLAW Wed 02-Jun-10 10:27:27

I'm here - am I too late?

Networking event - the ideal is probably not to go. You don't need the pressure or the temptation.

However, we don't live in an ideal world, so, assuming you do have to go (and I mean HAVE to go - the world doesn't stop turning while you're asleep, you know!) ...

1) DON'T PROJECT. It's tonight, not now. Worry about it then, not now.

2) Locate the nearest meeting and make sure you know how to get there. You might only make the beginning or the end - you might not go at all. Knowing where it is will help keep you calm.

3) In the same vein, make sure you have the phone number of an AA friend in your phone. You may never call, but having it available will help you. If no -one else comes to mind, I will give you mine.

4) AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE, get yourself either a tonic water or a ginger ale and do not let it go all night. Nor will you let it get even close to empty. That's your drink and, if anyone asks, it's a scotch and soda/gin and ginger/G&T/whatever you want it to be.

5) Stay for the miniimum amount of time, leave, and go straight home or go to a meeting (even the end of one.)

6) If you feel tempted in any way at any point, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Plead a migraine, a sick au pair, a bomb in your street and GET OUT. You've been, you've done your bit - now take care of you. You can always go back if a walk round the block puts things right.

My sobriety date is 16 December. Within the first fortnight, I felt I "had" to go to the pub twice. It was not ideal and I wouldn't recommend it - but I didn't drink. Because i followed advice similar to the above.

Good luck.

MIFLAW Wed 02-Jun-10 10:29:26

Ditto for your mother's visit, obviously. If all else fails, tell her you've got the shits and can't come to the door. If it works on bosses on Monday mornings, it'll work on your mother in sobriety ...

owlets Wed 02-Jun-10 10:40:44

Good, take the list you made about not drinking on the train too, so you can glance at it on the journey. Buy a cup of tea from the station to drink, and dont go in the buffet car. How long is the train ride? Can you access the internet on your phone? If so, read this thread afew times too. Also, take a book or a paper. Distract yourself!

will there be alcohol at this work function? If so, you will need to be very strong. taking a mental bashing from your DM before hand is not good preperation! Please don't allow it! If you really can't avoid going, go in positive. Read your AA literature, read your list, have an excuse for not drinking (driving later? medication?) hold a pen in one hand and a clutch bag in the other... anything to stop you mindlessly picking up a drink. concerntrate on doing the job you are obviously very good at! I went to a wedding last weekend after 5 days of not drinking. It wasn't easy, but I got through it, and the experience made me really proud.
Good luck.
x

jesuswhatnext Wed 02-Jun-10 10:42:54

no miflaw, you aren't too late smile thanks for the advice, i will take the numbers that where given to me yesterday, i can always scoot off to the loo and make a call - i don't want to go at all, the trouble is that other peoples jobs are one the line, not just mine and i do feel a responsibilty towards them

point 4 will be my mantra for this evening, it sounds totally sensible.

you have also given me another small sign that i have a 'guardian angel' my birthday is dec 16th smile

MIFLAW Wed 02-Jun-10 11:00:14

Glad to be able to help.

This is a big thing you're undertaking here and you can expect a few ups and downs along the way - but the good news is that you're not the first and you're not going it alone.

An important thing to remember is that the AA programme of recovery stresses "rigorous honesty". But that really seems to refer, especially at first, to the big type of honesty - not lying to yourself, being able to look yourself and others in the eye. If you have to tell a few white lies along the way - to colleagues, to your mother, even to your family - then don't feel bad. At this stage, the end justifies the means. Unless she's desperately ill, your mother can wait a few days to see you and, unless you want to tell them, your colleagues don't need to know you're not drinking today. Look after you.

Just to reiterate, the book "Living sober" (it's about 4 quid) is brilliant for this practical stuff - maybe buy it at today's meeting? You could even read it on the train tonight ...

ItsGraceAgain Wed 02-Jun-10 11:43:00

Big round of applause from me too, jwn
Be a little bit smarter than the booze, and you'll stay one step ahead. MIFLAW's advice is great. Know there is tons of sobriety support around you, all you have to do is reach for it. Please keep letting us know how you're going. x

maryz Wed 02-Jun-10 13:49:38

Get your dh to talk to your mother - she is not helping by making you feel bad. If she can't believe in you avoid her until you feel able to ignore her.

Work is a different kettle of fish, but you know this is more important than any job - do your best for your colleagues and get out. Follow MIFLAW's advice.

You can do it.

jesuswhatnext Wed 02-Jun-10 15:10:35

right, have been to meeting, am now suited and booted, my train is in half an hour.

the meeting was good, i feel quite energised by it even though i did have a good cry thereblush

i have got a couple of numbers to ring if i need them (these people are so kind) i am aslo going to buy the latest antique mag to read, its an interest that has lapsed and one that will do me no harm in picking up on again.

thanks again everyone for the support and advice.

if its not too late (time wise i mean) i will log on when i get home, if not i will be back tomorrow.

ItsGraceAgain Wed 02-Jun-10 15:25:20

Really great that you're picking up one of your interests, my love. The amount of time that gets wasted through drinking is incredible!

It's nice to find people truly are kind, isn't it

Looking forward to hearing how your thing went this evening.

Yeay! Stands on table and applauds jesus!
(never thought I'd say that grin)

YOU ARE AWESOME! Just look at you!

I am so pleased that you are so committed to this, and that you have some wonderful experienced help around you! Of course it's not going to be easy, you will undoubtedly feel some physical weirdness, but just push through them, they won't last. Are there any vitamins/supplements that can help? Is it worth going to the Dr about it?

Just one day at a time, it's all it takes.

Thinking of you!

mrswill Wed 02-Jun-10 21:14:58

Hi jesus - no advice to give really, but didnt want to read and not say you should be really proud of yourself for the steps your taking for you and your family.

My uncle was an alcoholic up until 8 years ago. It nearly tore his immediate and other family apart, due to his behaviour while drunk. He hasnt drunk for 8 years now, and I was so proud to see him at a family wedding recently with his family looking happy together. I wish you the very best.

jesuswhatnext Wed 02-Jun-10 23:11:23

hi, i'm back and SOBER grin

tired but pleased with myself, made a good few contacts aswell!

am going to bed now xxx

thanks so much everyone xxxxx

see you tomorrow!

ItsGraceAgain Wed 02-Jun-10 23:23:04

Brilliant. Now you KNOW you can do it!
Clever girl

12stepmum Wed 02-Jun-10 23:38:31

keep it up!! baby steps in the right direction all add up to massive change as time progresses. (your dd could try alateen). just back from NA myself tonight, almost 8 years in - miracles do happen, don't leave til the miracle happens. you are doing so well

MIFLAW Thu 03-Jun-10 00:41:08

Someone asked about vitamins.

The answer is YES - B vitamins.

Either pay for expensive tablets or eat lots of marmite, the effect is the same.

Also go wild on the sweet things for the near future, it will offset the sugar crash from the lack of alcohol and also put a sweet taste in your mouth (creme eggs are good for this, so are mints) that spoils the thought of a drink.

ItsGraceAgain Thu 03-Jun-10 01:01:34

Seconding MIFLAW's good advice

Seven Seas and Holland & Barrett both do a super-mega B Complex supplement. You don't want 100% RDA, you want more like 3,000%.

Totally true about the sugar, as well. Alcohol is a readily absorbed form of sugar; you can wolf a whole pack of ginger nuts for pretty much the same effect and calorie value! If you're being all nutritionist about it, you get a faster blood-sugar kick from glucose drinks. But it's better for your sobriety to use chocolate, cakes & biscuits - gets your system more used to hanging on for the extra few minutes (and having to do a bit of work to get at the sugar). It's not often you get told it's healthy to eat chocolate Hob Nobs, is it? wink

Healthy breakfast for you today! Go, girl.

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 03-Jun-10 02:33:01

JWN, you are doing brilliantly. Just joining your cheer squad.

Keep on going JWN. You are doing so well.

feelingafailure Thu 03-Jun-10 06:30:55

feel good about wot u are doing.like other people have said u have to do it for yourself.if ur daughter dont want to come home just yet then even if she is 18 thats her choice.perhaps she might just like staying with her boy friend.drink isnt always the prob.people can use it against u.if it suits them.

owlets Thu 03-Jun-10 07:58:20

just want to send you a very quick but very sincere WELL DONE before I go to work.
You are doing amazingly, and should be so proud.
x

oliviacrumble Thu 03-Jun-10 10:32:07

Have been following this thread, and just want to add myself the growing 'cheer squad' who so admires your strength and courage.

The very best of luck to you - you are doing fantastically well.

jesuswhatnext Thu 03-Jun-10 10:45:32

good morning (and i feel like it is) yesterday was a good day, i honestly cant remember the last time i got of that train sober blush i mananaged to talk to people without being half pissed and got a bit of business on the go smile

i took your advice miflaw and hung on to the glass for grim death, it was a good idea, however i don't think i will ask for ice next time, my fingers nearly fell off with the cold grin

dd has been home this morning, spoke to me briefly and has now gone, it was almost amicable.

had another long chat with dh, he said he recognises that he is angry and is almost punishing me but right now he cant help it sad he said he is trying to work out how he feels about our future, he says we have one, which is good, but that he cant go back to how its has been, which i totally understand.

i am going to AA at lunch time - my intention to day is not to drink!

Klerka Thu 03-Jun-10 11:08:58

Have just read this thread and would like to see a big 'well done' to you. I can hear the new clarity of thinking in your posts and your growing positivity for your future and that of your family. Best of luck - I will be following your posts.

Klerka Thu 03-Jun-10 11:10:19

(say)

shortandsweet2 Thu 03-Jun-10 11:11:40

I have also just read your thread and just want to say well done. you are doing brilliantly and I am sure you and your family will get through this.

Just take it one day at a time!

jesuswhatnext Thu 03-Jun-10 11:59:20

thanks very much, it is so nice to read something positive about myself, cos right now i feel very low.

am off to meeting now, be back later, i think i shall use this thread for ages if no-one minds, i think it will be really helpful if i feel a drink coming on iyswim.

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 03-Jun-10 12:07:18

Use it as long as you want.

And I have to say, without knowing any of your background, that I'm quite impressed with your husband too. If he was totally back to normal already that would be strange, I think. The fact that he's saying that he recognises the anger, etc., and he needs time, tells me he's in touch with how he feels and he's a decent communicator. And he clearly cares, JWN, he's still there.

Glad you got to talk to your daughter too.

One day at a time. You're doing well.

differentnameforthis Thu 03-Jun-10 12:13:35

Just want to add my voice to those saying Well Done.

I have no experience of addiction, but I can see how well you are doing & how strong you are being.

I am pleased for you that your daughter came by. Hopefully in time she will come home, properly.

I hope your meeting goes well.

jesuswhatnext Thu 03-Jun-10 15:59:45

tortoise - you are right, my dh is a fantastic man, quite deep, very thoughtful and also very kind - he is very committed to our marriage, thank god and i know he will give me every support i ask for - i feel that part of my recovery (see, i'm picking up the lingo grin) is the desire i have not to let him down.

i have been listening today to a guy talking about the selfish nature of the alcoholic, oh my word, it rang some bells for me sad

i can but try to make things right.

am off to potter in the garden, so far have not wanted a drink today.

Glad to hear that you are doing so well!

You will get through all of this, just keep going! you can do it!

Have a good evening!

jesuswhatnext Thu 03-Jun-10 20:42:04

well, i know its only 8.30 but i am off to bed, i am exhausted again, it must be facing up to all this - today has been fairly ok, i havent had a drink and dd has been home this afternoon for a few hours, we spoke, kind of normally, but its a start.

on a plus note, i have lost a couple of pounds already smile and my eyes look whiter - i'm hoping this will also mean my teeth will look a bit whiter soon aswell

thanks for todays comments, it does help - when i am in the meetings it feels very safe, almost as if i am coccooned from the world, i'm finding this thread has a similar effect. i have also had the thought that it has been a priviledge to hear the peoples storys and that actually, i should pay them back with my sobriety.

wukter Thu 03-Jun-10 20:44:27

I just want to join in and say Well Done JWN. I have no wisdom to offer just good wishes and admiration smile

no wonder you're tired, it's been a heck of a week for you so far! The most important week of your life! What ever you need to keep to the path, go for it! You know we're all behind you!

ItsGraceAgain Thu 03-Jun-10 23:48:15

It does make you tired! Mention it at a meeting, I'm sure most people will agree. The Vitamin B helps with that

Well done. Since you're already in bed - welcome to a fresher, brighter day!

jesuswhatnext Fri 04-Jun-10 09:36:10

good morning - i feel quite bright today, dh just kissed me goodbye smile dd is at home right now, [asked me for a couple of quid - that feels very normal grin]

i am going to AA again at lunch time, then coming home to do some housework, i want to decorate the kitchen over the weekend.

my aim is to go into the office a few days next week, i'm lucky that i can still go to AA during the day so thats the plan

sorry, i seem to be wittering on, i am using this thread as a kind of diary, rereeading from the beginnging helps to keep me focused on why i'm doing this!

EMS23 Fri 04-Jun-10 09:40:57

Well done JWN - will also be looking out for this thread.

Alcoholic grandfather who drank himself to death and I saw my Mum suffer through it all. My uncle is going the same way.

You are doing amazingly well and I am routing for you.
xx

jesuswhatnext Fri 04-Jun-10 11:10:01

BLIMEY - just weighed myself - guess who has lost 4lbs? meeeeeeeeeeegrin thats just in 4 DAYS of not drinking - i must keep repeating that the benefits sooo outweigh the the 'pleasure' of a glass of wine!

DixieD Fri 04-Jun-10 11:31:41

Well done you. You are doing brilliant. You must be so proud of yourself. My MIL is an alcholic she has never been able to give up. I wish she had your strength. Good luck...enjoy the weekend.

jesuswhatnext Fri 04-Jun-10 11:50:16

downstairs is now spick and span, washing on, am off to meeting, feeling quite jaunty smile

MIFLAW Fri 04-Jun-10 13:09:36

"i must keep repeating that the benefits sooo outweigh the the 'pleasure' of a glass of wine!" No - don't do that. Instead, remember what, in your case (not the people on the adverts or the people you see in beer gardens, but your case) the "pleasure" of a glass of wine constitutes. Maybe re-read your initial posting in this thread.

A phrase one used to hear in AA is "watch the film through to the end" i.e. when you imagine yourself having a drink, don't stop the daydream there - watch yourself having the second. And the third. And opening the next bottle. And your husband coming home. And the shouting. And the tears. And your child waking up. And the atmosphere the morning after.

If you're like me, the "pleasure" of a glass of wine is not outweighed by the benefits - it is non-existent and illusory. If I were you, THAT's what I would be focussing on remembering.

jesuswhatnext Fri 04-Jun-10 17:38:32

miflaw, thats why i typed 'pleasure' with inverted commas, what i meant was, the pleasure for me is all gone, its destructive, is a misnoma, for me to call drinking a pleasure. thanks for the advice though, the daydream is a good way of looking at it!

i have had a good day, been to meeting, had a quick lunch with dd and had my hair done

had no drink

this evening i'm cooking a nice dinner for dh and i and going for a walk

my intention is not to drink today

I have absolutely no experience of alcoholism, but I just want to say how utterly amazing you seem - you are focussed and committed and your "pleasure" must be getting your family back to some sort of normality.

It sems from your posts that you have amazing insight, almost like you can imagine how it would be in 5/10 years if you continued as you were on the track of alcoholism; and the fun and family life you have in the future if you continue the way you are doing.

Although I do't know ou, I am incredibly proud of your achievment.

jesuswhatnext Fri 04-Jun-10 20:38:50

oh bees, what a lovely post, thanks so much - i dont know about insight, i just want to be 'normal' iyswim, i want to attend dds wedding one day, to look after grandchildren, go traveling with dh, you know what i mean, i see some poor souls in this town and frankly it is 'but for the grace of god go i'

i have a chance, i aim to go for it.

am off to bed soon, bloody knackered again.

had no drink today grin

ps - the guy who shared at the meeting today sounded just like richard burton, mmmmm lovely

MIFLAW Sat 05-Jun-10 00:29:06

I know, I know - and I'm just being grumpy. But I think what I really wanted to stress is that it isn't about the one outweighing the other. One pleasure (being sober) is real and present and the other (drinking as an alcoholic) is not. Yet a lot of people, me included at one time, succumb to another drink after a while in AA because they still believe that, outwieghed or not, they have given up a "pleasure". It is a great boost to sobriety when you realise that there is nothing to give up.

But the bottom line is that you are doing fantastically well and should be very pleased and proud.

S

ItsGraceAgain Sat 05-Jun-10 00:36:24

Just sending you another few * * * , jesus! Keep it up

I'm so glad you're liking the meetings. Even though I'm - er, lapsed blush I miss them. There aren't any round here (really, MIFLAW! It's rural & I haven't got a car) else I'd have gone back anyway. That kind of support is just lovely.

MIFLAW Sat 05-Jun-10 00:43:23

Grace

A lot of people don't have cars when they start going to AA, because they're banned from driving! That was my situation and I was also, not exactly rural, but surrounded by ruralness.

I am sure that there are trains an/or buses. Failing that, you could ask another member to give you a lift and give him/her money for petrol.

How did you manage to get to the pub and the off-licence when your local was shut?

Do come back if it will help you.

ItsGraceAgain Sat 05-Jun-10 00:53:08

Thank you, MIFLAW

I used to live in London. Access to anything was no problem. I am OK now, in my non-AA way. Haven't drunk any alcohol for 3 days, but probably will again soon. As posted elsewhere, I'm very lucky to have "got off the lift at a high floor" - and am bloody sure I won't be going down in it again!

I do miss the meetings, though.

maryz Sat 05-Jun-10 00:58:17

Hi Jesus, I'm following this thread and would like to add to the "well-done"s.

But can I just add something - there is no-one here who will criticise you if you have a bad day. So, if one day everything goes wrong and you fall off the wagon, please don't feel you have to either lie to us, or disappear.

I admire you for what you are doing, and I really, really hope you can carry on (and you sound as though you will), but if you make one mistake please come back, talk to us about it honestly and then go on. Don't give up on yourself.

Sorry, don't want to be negative, but I know from experience how easy it is to let one slip-up make you want to give up.

Thinking of you smile.

ItsGraceAgain Sat 05-Jun-10 00:59:02

Decided to elaborate on that a little bit, as you never know who might want to hear it. IF there were nice meetings available where I live, I'd go sober just for the sake of the social and support aspect of it.

Each meeting has its own style: in London, there was a massive choice, so there were 2 AA ones and an NA one where I felt most comfortable. So that was 3 meetings a week, which I genuinely looked forward to.

They're not like AA meetings on the telly.

ItsGraceAgain Sat 05-Jun-10 01:30:48

What Maryz said, too, Jesus

And don't take me as an example! shock

MIFLAW Sat 05-Jun-10 01:49:34

Sorry Grace, not really knocking you, I just think it's important to remember that one can usually get to a meeting if one wants.

We are very lucky in this country, even in the so-called "rural" bits. I was in France a couple of years ago and decided to go to a meeting. I was in Marseille, france's second city with a million inhabitants.

For French-speakers at least, the Marseille conurbation has five meetings a week.

To put that in perspective, Edinburgh and Bristol both have about 30 each (give or take) and even most villages have one within walking distance.

French alcoholics really have to want it!

Also to reiterate what someone else said re drinking - I took about a year of thinking I was cured and finding I wasn't before I came and stayed. I'm so glad I did!

Butterpie Sat 05-Jun-10 02:37:45

Wow, out of curiousity I just looked on the AA website and found a weekly meeting at the end of my street! I will remember that and recommend it if any of my friends have trouble in future.

scoutliam Sat 05-Jun-10 02:54:27

MIFLAW, can I just say that the advice and support you've given people on this thread has been outstanding, truly outstanding.

I know you're not looking for praise but your getting it anywaygrin

Jesus keep up the good work!

Jamiki Sat 05-Jun-10 03:03:23

I second what scoutliam said.

Am also joining the cheer squad. Well done JWN on your hard work so far and yes you are only human so

keep coming back!

jesuswhatnext Sat 05-Jun-10 09:09:31

blimey, you lot are up late!

very useful comments though, yes i will keep coming back, even if i fall off the wagon - it could happen, i'm very aware of thatblush i am just a human, and a flawed on at that, but then i think most of us are.

today i am having lunch with friends - i'm going to tell them that i'm on meds that i cant mix with drink. i will be telling them that i'm an alcoholic but not today, today is thier celebration and not a moment for me to drop bombshells, take the stage iyswim. i know that they are good people and when told will never do the 'just one won't hurt' thing

so, my intention today is not to drink, i will be following miflaws advice, which worked so well the other night, and taking the numbers i have been given and will nip of to the loo to make a call if i feel i need to. i will also be bearing in mind that dh will be joining us later and if i have had a drink i know he will be so let down.

on a really good note, dd spent the night at home, we chatted normally smile it was lovely.

dh has gone to his art course, so he will feel quite calm later (his job is very stressful)

before i go out i'm doing myself a bit of a make-over, so hopefully i will feel a bit glam and keep in mind that there is nothing glam or dignified about a women of my age to pissed to walk or talk!

jesuswhatnext Sat 05-Jun-10 10:02:46

'woman' doh

differentnameforthis Sat 05-Jun-10 13:28:20

SO pleased that your dd spent the night at home. Must feel wonderful.

Well done for all your effort. You are doing well.

This is all so good to hear jwn!!

I second the massive pat on back for the awesome Miflaw too!

grin

maryz Sat 05-Jun-10 20:33:44

I hope tonight's going ok jwn - Saterday night's the worst.

maryz Sat 05-Jun-10 20:35:09

Saturday, grrr!

jesuswhatnext Sat 05-Jun-10 23:25:29

hi, everything going well, have been at lunch party, which turned into evening, have drunk about a litre of cranberry juice, NO ALCOHOL and had a lovely time grin i offered to drive friends home, which meant making two runs, so i knew drinking was not an option.

am off to bed now - feel quite pleased with myself smile

goodnight all you lovely posters, don't stay up so late tonight!

Klerka Sun 06-Jun-10 08:19:52

Well done for yesterday - so glad you had a lovely time! And you'l have a very healthy urinary tract with all that cranberry! grin

jesuswhatnext Sun 06-Jun-10 11:11:04

tell me about klerka, last night reminded me of being pregnant, had to get up about 4 times for the loo!

anyway, i feel good today, however, sunday is usually a real booze fest for me, starts about 12.00 when i kid myself that 'i'm getting the dinner on' blush, so today, im going to keep really busy, i want to blitz the kitchen before we start painting and today i'm cooking a moussakka (sp) instead of my usual roast.

i will be calling one of my mumbers as well, to try and stay focused.

dh has said he is so proud of me for yesterday, i was there without him for quite some time amd he admitted to feeling a bit aprehensive as he walked in, in case i was pissed but i was sober (does a little twirl grin)

a couple of friends also asked if i had lost a little weight, always a boost!

anyway, will be back later, am finding this thread so useful, this time last week was my 'meltdown moment', i dont want to go back there!

ItsGraceAgain Sun 06-Jun-10 12:33:58

Brilliant, you. It's so much easier to <twirl> sober than pissed, isn't it? grin

Do have a glass of water or something (maybe not cranberry!!) on the go while you cook. No nned to break that habit as well, just change what's in it!

Moussaka ... haven't had that for years. Good thought, thanks!

loves2walk Sun 06-Jun-10 13:17:48

You are amazing JWN, absolutely amazing. You are an inspiration to all of us who have 'issues' in our lives and are hiding our heads in the sand. You are actually tackling yours and being so brave and strong.

Good woman

Mittz Sun 06-Jun-10 13:28:53

Antoher Lurker cheering you on...

Whatever issues your drinking is linked to you are giving your DH and DD a very precious gift, because you are proving that they are worth the fight to get through this and holding on to.

I wish you all the very very best in your path and a bright future together xx

msboogie Sun 06-Jun-10 13:59:38

just dropped in to see how the OP was doing (well done! ) and read that fantastic advice form MIFLAW about there being no pleasure to give up. It is exactly the same with giving up smoking; you think you need it, you think you enjoy it but in fact you do neither. Its only after you have gotten out of it that you can see that there was no real pleasure in it and it didn't make the things you had to deal with any less difficult.

I hope you can hold onto that thought if you falter OP

jesuswhatnext Sun 06-Jun-10 16:23:28

thanks everyone, just having a ten minute juice break, kitchen looking good, have had a nice day with dh decorating, am absolutly knackered again smile, its a good kind of knackered though, i have acheived something with my day. gawd, that kitchen was a grot hole blush we usually have a guy in to do painting and stuff so i even feel i have saved some money

am going to start cooking soon as dh wants to watch dr who on 3 , i think it starts at 8, so by then i want to sit down and relax.

this time last week i was totally pissed and getting nasty sad, this feels so much better.

ifancyashandy Sun 06-Jun-10 16:31:37

JWN - Been following this thread all week and just want to echo what everyone else has said - you are amazing and doing so well. I bet this time last week you never thought you'd feel as good as you do right now!

Keep on keeping on.

jesuswhatnext Sun 06-Jun-10 16:41:41

tbh - this time last week i wasn't thinking at all sad, least of about the damage i was doing to my familysad

so, onwards and upwards,smile

tomorrow i plan on going into the office in the morning, going to AA at lunch time and hopefully, if the lady gets back to me, i will being doing a yoga session in the evening.

(then crawling up the stairs and flopping into bed smile

jesuswhatnext Sun 06-Jun-10 16:44:23

btw - my lovely sil called, i told her everything, we actually had a bit of a laugh, she is well known for saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, so she has decided to go away, look up a few drink related cliches and get back to me (god, i'm lucky to have such a lovely familysmile

So JWN, does this mean that you have almost completed your first week of sobriety?

Blooming heck, that went fast didn't it!

another well earned WELL DONE from me here!

jesuswhatnext Sun 06-Jun-10 21:02:18

well, yes, it is a week since i had a drink, i have just re-read this thread from the beginning, oh god, i cant describe how dreadful i felt sad

one thing that struck me though was that i had made it all sound kind of simple to stop and that is really not the case - this week has been one of the hardest of my life, i have seen my dd look at me with pure hatred in her eyes, i have seen my dh in tears over my disgusting behaviour and have nearly lost them both sad

i so want to be the person i know i really am, not the one that booze turned me into.

this evening i have read a few other threads from ops who are going through what i have put my family through, oh, i'm so sorry, i never meant to cause such harm, hurt, pain and anger.

anyway, i'm off to bed in a mo, feel quite sort of 'contented' iyswim, kind of comfy and safe - something i dont feel when i drink because of the chaos i cause.

will be going to AA tomorrow

have not drunk today smile

thank you all so much for the practical as well as the emotional advice

never thought i would have a 'cheer squad' grin

see you tomorrow smile

Klerka Sun 06-Jun-10 21:41:23

You DO have a cheer squad! Good for you. I can imagine that reading the thread again was difficult but it's important to keep in mind where you were and where you now are. Every day is another great step.

You are doing really well, and I for one am honoured to be following you on your journey. smile

How was the moussaka btw?

Night!

WOOOHOOOO!!! Well done!!! Am very impressed with you.

Don't know if anyone has warned you but week 3 wil be the hardest. Week three is ALWAYS the hardest when you are trying to break a cycle - be it dieting, exercise or alcohol withdrawal.

This is because in the first 2 weeks you are buoyed up by your own motivation and success, and the memories of how it used to be a far from your mind.

Week 4 will be the breaking point in terms of, if you can get through week three, and week 4, then you are well on your way to changing your life habits.

But week three sees many, many people fall by the wayside. So get all of your coping strategies firmly in place this week, practice them, imagine them and act them out in your head. If you are feeling strong enough try not to re-read emptional diaries, save them for next week when you might need them more.

Hope this doesnt sound doom and gloom, I wanted to warn you in advance of what might happen whilst you still have the coping mechanisms to be able to put counter-acts into place.

But most of all, good luck!!

darkandstormy Mon 07-Jun-10 10:29:16

op well done on conquering the dreaded booze, keep up the good work, many congratulations.Good luck for the future.

jesuswhatnext Mon 07-Jun-10 10:35:40

good morning - am at work right now so must be quick, thanks bees, i had guessed that the first month would be difficult, i'm just doing one day at a time at the moment, not looking to far ahead.

the moussaka was really quite good, though i say so myself grin, which is just as well as i made so much of it we have it again tonight! oops!

anyway, must go now, am going to AA at lunch time, be back later smile

EMS23 Mon 07-Jun-10 12:31:26

Well done on your first weekend. I am sure there are going to be many many more.

I was hoping for you all weekend!
xxx

jesuswhatnext Mon 07-Jun-10 14:48:08

just back from meeting, a lady shared so much it made me cry, so much was relevant to me sad

i am going to yoga this evening, looking forward to it smile

dd is at home - domesticity reigns grin the bloody cat has bought a baby rat in and let the damn thing go, it is now careering around the lounge, dh has set a trap - dd won't go into the room, so i suggested she tidy her bedroom wink(every cloud has a silver lining!)

my db called earlier - he was lovely smile

feeling very positive

my intention is not to drink today

be back later

Anniegetyourgun Mon 07-Jun-10 15:02:56

Since our cat brought a live bird in and I rescued it, he's made sure that anything he brings in is thoroughly dead now! Just wish he wouldn't eat them on the carpet.

If anyone asks you for a drink after yoga, either make it coffee or say you have to get straight home...

jesuswhatnext Mon 07-Jun-10 19:42:13

well, this evening is a bit of a mixed bag, i have been to yoga and really enjoyed it and looking forward to next weeks session, dh has gone to al-anon, is there right now, however dd is still so angry with me sad - she has just told me not to touch her as i make her sick sad sad sad

i know she needs time and i have to prove myself, i just would like a hug sad, i miss her so much, i just want her to understand how very much i love her! do you ever think she will forgive me?

i suppose all i can do is keep trying.

so, i'v had good cry, am now off to get something to eat be back later.

oh no could you not write her a note, slip it onto her pillow telling her this? nothing too heavy, or too tied up with emotion, just a simple, "i love you, i realise what i've done wrong and i am working harder than you will ever believe to ensure it does not happen again - if you want to talk me or dad are here" kind of note?

it might not help her talk to you, or hug you But it will help her understand how much this (and she) means to you. Remember teenagers are all about themselves, they can't help it (I can remember being one only too well) It's all about the feelings THEY have, the shame THEY feel and they find it hard to empathise. So tap into her feelings, explain why you are sory and you should be part way there.

Good luck

MCDL Mon 07-Jun-10 20:10:47

My dp's ex wife has lost her two children (18 and 23), she is soon to loose family home, she has lost her brothers and sisters, her self respect over alcholism, she is far from realising or doing anything about it. U have made a great step. It is never too late. Well done ...

TheProvincialLady Mon 07-Jun-10 20:19:23

Your DD will probably forgive you, yes, if she sees you trying hard to help yourself. TBH feeling angry with you and showing it is a healthy thing for her to do at the moment, even if it feels awful for you. A sober week is a HUGE achievement for you and I have been reading this thread with amazement and awe, but looking at it from your DD's point of view it is just a week and if she has been seriously hurt then it is going to take a lot longer for her to trust you again and move on.

Has anyone suggested al-anon and counselling for your DD?

madonnawhore Mon 07-Jun-10 20:31:24

My mum was an alcoholic since I was about 9 years old, she finally drank herself to death when I was 27.

I can't tell you how much I grieve for those lost years, seeing all my friends go shopping with their mums on Saturdays, being able to have mates round without worrying whether their drunk mum was going to embarrass them, I missed out on so much. Our house was a minefield of arguments, emotional abuse and mind fuckery. Her alcoholism was so insidious that by the time we (me, my dad and siblings) realised what was going on we were totally within its clutches ourselves, alcoholism had become our normality and we continued to normalise it (probably as a coping mechanism) ultimately to our detriment.

What's good about your situation is that your DH has made it clear he will not take any more and it's clear you will end up in the gutter with no one if you continue the way you are. At least you are having the clarity to realise this now and although you might feel horrific now, this is really a gift so grab it with both hands.

My mum was so far gone there was never any realistic chance of her pulling herself out of the addiction. You have a fighting chance and I cannot tell you how much it would mean to your family if you got straight. You would be changing their lives and futures as well as your own. I wouldn't have put up with all the shitty, abusive relationships I had for so long if I hadn't had to live with an alcoholic while I was growing up.

The choice is really simple, stop drinking or lose everything.

jesuswhatnext Mon 07-Jun-10 20:40:51

thanks for the replys, good advice all of it!

yes i know it is only a week, it just feels like a lifetime to me and i suppose i just want everything too quickly. dh has gone to al-anon on his own this evening, his plan was to try and work out if it would be of real help to either of them and if so, involve dd next week (if it is anything like AA i should think he will sign up for life smile)

dd has gone out with friends this evening so hopefully she will have a bit of a laugh and chill out a bit. i also know that it is pretty selfish of me to expect her to be happy that shes got me for mum right now sad

anyway, on a positive note, the bloody cat finally killed the rat - i love love loved yoga and

I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY [GRIN]

right now i'm sipping a long, chilled slimline tonic with lime, so nice it doe not need the gin!

MCDL Mon 07-Jun-10 20:57:21

My mother too was an alcholic, she drank untill I was 15, am now 39. She is almost 70, our relationship is good. Dont think you understand the true damage it causes untill you get older and/or start a family yourself. It is not the alcholism, there is other stuff.

Your daughter will come back, but she may need some time and to do some growing up first. Give her lots of space, concentrate on yourself ... Best of luck ....

jesuswhatnext Mon 07-Jun-10 22:12:56

dh is back, says it was a helpful meeting although the people who spoke were talking from a different experience ie, violence, job loss, drink driving type of stuff -

he has had a chat with dd earlier and she told him how she felt, he feels that i simply must give her time, that she does love me but is not mature enough to be able to articulate what she feels about the whole situation and is just very scared - i WILL show her that i mean this and that she is the single most important person (apart from dh) to me in the world.

i have resolved not to push too hard, she has a levels coming up, for which she has worked bloody hard and i want her to get the grades she deserves (this is going to be fucking difficult, as of course, she is still a teenager and has the capacity to be bloody rude to me simply because i am her mother and plainly know nothing! grin

thanks for todays comments - fantastic as always, i'm off to bed now

AM SOBER AND LIKING IT

xxx

maryz Mon 07-Jun-10 22:42:45

Don't push her - she is probably terrified that if she stops being angry you will feel you have done enough, and might go back to your old ways. Give her time and show her, rather than tell her that you have changed.

Well done for the last week. Best wishes for tomorrow. One day at a time.

Snorbs Mon 07-Jun-10 23:21:53

JWN, well done on being so positive about turning your life around. Just keep on doing what you're doing because it's obviously working.

As for your DD, try your best to back off a bit. I'd leave your DH to take the lead in talking to her. The truth is that he'll have a much better idea of how she's feeling than you do.

MIFLAW Tue 08-Jun-10 00:57:48

Just come back to thread after busy couple of days.

You are all very kind.

JWN - well done you! Just keep on keeping on.

"dd is still so angry with me" - none of us get angry with people or situations we don't care about. And this is the first time in a while when you are in a position to listen to her anger. So expect it and take it for what it is - concern and love.

Worth remembering too that many people get annoyed with us in early sobriety. She's been nagging you for ages and you've apparently done nothing. Suddenly, you go to meet a group of strangers and stop immediately. She's probably thinking, what have they got that I haven't got; and why, if it was that easy, didn't she do it years ago?

Of course she's got the wrong end of the stick but that doesn't make it any less real for her. Bear with her.

Please don't ever say "I'm only a week sober." Tomorrow there may be a newcomer in the room. He or she will hear you are a week sober and imagine you are some kind of god. Seven days without a drink! It seems impossible. It seemed impossible to you a week ago.

So, yes, keep things in perspective - but don't downplay your achievement. You're doing great.

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 09:01:51

good morning - thanks miflaw, i intend to 'keep on keeping on'

dd stayed with her bf last night but she did at least come in first and tell me where she was going.

today i am going into work, going to AA at lunch time, back to work amd then this evening i fancy pottering in the kitchen, i may make some cakes to take into AA on wed.

btw - miflaw, i look a bit spotty this morning, is this normal?, i'm assuming it is toxins coming out of my body?, other than that i feel fantastic, best i have felt in years actually.

be back later, must get my act together and get to work!

EMS23 Tue 08-Jun-10 09:29:50

Sounds like yesterday was a little tougher on you. Well done for getting through it and not drinking.
I'm sure it's painful but does it feel good to go through the feelings you're experiencing with a clear head?

Can you bake an extra "virtual" tray of those cakes for your cheer squad here?!!

MIFLAW Tue 08-Jun-10 10:28:01

"btw - miflaw, i look a bit spotty this morning, is this normal?, i'm assuming it is toxins coming out of my body?, other than that i feel fantastic, best i have felt in years actually." Don't remember spots specifically, but I would say that, in general, you should expect the unexpected for the next month or so as far as your general well-being goes (obviously, if you're properly ill, don't hesitate to go to a doctor.) Not only is your body getting rid of a load of toxins; probably your whole sleep pattern will change, your diet and eating habits willshift massively in balance, you'll be making all sorts of new lifestyle choices ...

Pretty much the definition of being an alcoholic is that alcohol became the very central point of your life - physically, mentally and emotionally. Now, perhaps literally overnight, you have removed that central point. You have to expect some changes as everything else moves around to fill the gap. So just take it in your stride and try to roll with it.

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 14:48:39

have been to meeting, absolutly heartbreaking, a lady shared that her dd had been taken into care this week sad, poor poor woman, i just wanted to hug her but nothing would have helped her total devastation sad i honestly think that the more i hear the stonger i become, there are many roads that i have not been down and i will do my absolute damndest not to go down.

on a good note, dd has asked me to go into london with her this week to an exhibition she wants to see - this is lovley, she could have asked any friend, they are all on study leave right now, but she chose me smile

anyway, back to work now - thank god i have this, it gives a proper structure to my day, something that i am hearing many people would give their right arm for.

IsGraceAvailable Tue 08-Jun-10 15:31:33

Just another cheer Well done for today. xx

oh how hard that must have been for you to hear today, that really hit you right in the solar plexus didn't it?

You see? look at your OP, you said it was too late... it wasn't was it. Although she won't see it just yet, but it's not even too late for the lady you heard today. She's still living and breathing, there is still a chance she can turn it all around.

Funny enough, you seeing her story will help you in your resolve for your own journey.

You don't need to focus on the roads you don't wish to take, only on those that you do. Set your sights on your ideal, on your path and don't deviate.

JWN, you are doing so very very well, it's truly awesome to witness, and so inspiring for so many of us. Even those of us that haven't ever had addiction problems.

Everyday that you are sober is a huge achievement and one for which you ought to be very proud of yourself.

I'm actually moved to hear that your DD has asked for you to go with her! You see? more proof if proof were needed that you made the right decision.

I admire you JWN, you are wonderful! <shakes pom-poms> grin

shortandsweet2 Tue 08-Jun-10 15:49:48

Well done JWN you are doing fantastic

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 15:57:36

just checking in - lovley comments, thank you

one guy said something today that i have been thinking about - sobriety should be enjoyed, not endured - what a fantastic thought, everytime i feel like a drink this evening i am going to do something i find enjoyalbe - time for me and dd to drag out the foot spa and mamma mia dvd i think!

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 15:59:57

gordon bennett, i reckon the booze has melted the brain cells that once learnt spelling and grammer blush

EMS23 Tue 08-Jun-10 16:21:02

enjoy every minute! I was just thinking, that lovely day out in London you're going to have with your DD - you could spend some "alcohol" money on a treat for you both - maybe lunch or a pedicure or something.
Not sure if that's a bad or good idea!

Either way - well done on today!
xxx

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 16:22:51

grammer! see, i told you!

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 18:46:04

just a really quick update - dd and i are sitting in kitchen together sewing her new hair extensions together grin

will not be drinking this evening!

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jun-10 22:13:11

well, today has been really good, dd and i have had a lovely evening together, sorted out (finally[shocked]) her prom outfit, she will look stunning - its vintage black velvet, figure hugging (5ft7 and a size 8 [green]) have cooked dinner, done a bit of housework, everywhere looks nice, dh has just told me how well i look smile and my sil has booked us in for a spa day, how lovely of her!

HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK.

am off to bed now, this is quite a late night for me but i feel all sort of 'buzzy' so am off to drool over the property porn mag i bought earlier - good night, see you tomorrow smile

loves2walk Tue 08-Jun-10 22:40:24

Goodnight. You are doing brilliantly and so deserve these 'treats'. Well done and enjoy a good healthy sleep

AbricotsSecs Tue 08-Jun-10 22:47:18

JWN - really, really pleased for you and proud to read of your progress (hope that doesn't sound trite as I don't know you).

You are an amazing person, to be facing up to uncomfortable truths and putting yourself and your family first.

chipmonkey Tue 08-Jun-10 22:49:48

jesus ( sorry but I do feel odd calling you that!grin) I think you are doing wonderfully well! Sounds like you and dd are re-building a lovely relationship. And you deserve the spa day! Enjoy! I think the more you fill your life with pleasures that don't involve alcohol the better you will do.
<<Hugs>> ( Sorry, not very MN!)

MIFLAW Wed 09-Jun-10 11:00:17

Your experience with your daughter is an example of the promises beginning, ever so slightly, to come true. Page 83-84

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/pdf/BigBook_chapt6.pdf

But don't forget that the positive promises are not the only ones in the book. There are equally reliable promises about what happens if we try to drink again, mostly in Chapter 3.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/pdf/BigBook_chapt3.pdf

Once again, stick with it and enjoy the results - and keep coming back till you have a better idea!

jesuswhatnext Wed 09-Jun-10 11:05:36

good morning, i'm a bit late today, had a bit of a lie in, i still feel exhausted but in a good way rather than a hungover way iyswim?

today i will not be going to AA as i have a hospital appointment right in the middle of the meeting, so, i will be using my numbers a bit later and just having a chat - i dont think i will drink, just want to try and keep safe iyswim?

am not in the office either, so, the plan for today is to sort out my personal paperwork, do some handwashing that i never seem to have time for, and make some biscuits and sausage rolls - that should be enough to keep me busy smile

i feel very organised right now, the last few months had decended into chaos around me without me even realising blush, still, i am getting back on track!

btw - talking of paperwork, i have lost a premium bond certificate, does anyone know an easy way of tracking it down?

anyway, will be back later

MY INTENTION TO DAY IS NOT TO DRINK!!!

jesuswhatnext Wed 09-Jun-10 11:26:19

miflaw - thanks for those links, very timely for me as i cant get to meeting today. - i have had a quick scan through them, i will read them slowly and properly later on, you could not have sent them at a better time.

i have to say the thought of telling someone my life story is very scary, although i had a wonderful, quite privilidged childhood, i have often managed to cock up my adult life in spectacular fashion - it is only since having my dd that i have lived anything like a stable life, and thats mainly due to the fact that i met dh when i did (he is dd step father, has bought her up as his own since she was a few months old)(her father and me are a WHOLE other chapter, one that i'm very scared of looking at) i seem to have a kind of self destruct button - sometimes i have pressed it deilberatly, this time though, i did'nt, it all just crept up on me and bit on the bum - i really have to face some demons soon, but right now, just being sober for the day it enough.

whew - that was a bit of a marathon, be back later!

MIFLAW Wed 09-Jun-10 11:47:23

Jesus

Step 5 is called step 5 because you don't do it till you've done steps 1, 2, 3 and 4. Even when you're actually doing step 4, you're not obliged to share it with anyone (I suggest you do, but no one's going to make you.)

"One day at a time" relates to drinking, but also to everything else. Don't worry about your life story till the day you need to tell it. Just concentrate on not drinking for today and for keeping your day-to-day life on track.

MIFLAW Wed 09-Jun-10 11:49:00

"i have often managed to cock up my adult life in spectacular fashion" - if that's the bit that's worrying you, btw, don't bother telling it - it's pretty much par for the course for all of us so it's not news ...

Saker Wed 09-Jun-10 11:49:39

Just lurking on your thread, admiring how well you are doing; I think you could try chasing up premium bonds here.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 09-Jun-10 12:11:42

JWN, I've been enjoying reading your posts more and more as time goes on, not just the positive direction you're going in but the sense of humour that is starting to shine through. ("Property porn mag" made me smile - my mum used to have a Country Life habit!) Sounds like your DD genuinely enjoyed the day because you were fun company, not a thing everyone would associate with a day out with their mothers... Her dress sounds terrific btw.

roomonthebroom Wed 09-Jun-10 19:23:19

JWN, you are doing amazingly well!

It sounds like your daughter really wants to rebuild your relationship but she is possibly, at the moment, feeling scared that if you relapse it will be even more painful for her. You are PROVING to her that you can be the mother that she wants and needs by not drinking, but for her own 'self-preservation' (for want of a better word)she will probably be holding back slightly for fear of being hurt further.

My FIL was a chronic alcoholic when my DH was in his teens and stopped and started drinking for many years. DH feels like he missed out on doing things with his dad because he felt that, to his father, drink was more important than him. DH used to think he could 'save' his dad and was bitterly disappointed, and felt guilty, when he realised that he couldn't.

When I met DH his dad was drinking again, but could still 'function', but within 6 months had gone from just drinking in the evenings to vodka for breakfast and it was pretty clear that the drink was killing him. We managed to get him sectioned under the mental health act and from there he was lucky enough to get a place in a specialist rehab centre which follows the AA 12 step programme. We were very cynical about whether, at the age of 56 following years of drinking, he could complete the programme (although not to his face, but again think this was 'self-preservation' on DH's part), but he took each day at a time and worked through the programme and came out of rehab sober- and a much nicer person!

He met a woman there who is a lot younger than him, but who was also a serious alcoholic, and we were concerned that they would go back to drinking together- we thought it was a recipe for disaster!

However, 6 years on they are still sober and are having a fantastic time together doing 'normal' things like decorating their lovely flat, walking their dog, going on holiday etc and we could not feel more proud of them both. They have both been on a long journey and admit that they are still taking it a day at a time, but for the past few years DH has had a proper relationship with his dad and our DD is able to know her grandad properly.

Contrast this story with that of my uncle who died 2 years ago yesterday, from septicemia caused by his own waste getting into the sores on his legs as he couldn't walk because of the toll drink had taken on his body. His 'friendly' local shop keeper brought him drink, and charged his Visa card, until the day before he died.

I guess what I'm trying to say is:

a) It's never to late to stop no matter how long a person has been drinking for

b) Each day without a drink is a big achievment

c) Your daughter (and your DH) will be proud of you again and you have taken the first step to being in control again and regaining their trust and respect.

d) You have a journey ahead of you and some days will be easier than others, BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!

I am filled with respect and admiration for you, you are awesome!!!

jesuswhatnext Wed 09-Jun-10 21:14:15

hi, just checking in - ROOMONTHEBROOM - thank you for your post, it was very thought provoking, i agree that both dd and dh have every right to be sceptical right now, self preservation is a very natural emotion and i dont blame them one bit for 'holding back'.

it is so nice to read such lovely, positive comments, i too feel like i am regaining my sense of humour, nearly lost it just now when i found pigeon shit on the the washing angry

i did not make it to meeting today, however, i have felt very positive, have not had a drink and am feeling very kind of light and healthy - have done some baking so the house smells of warm vanilla, mmmmm lovely smile

dh has told me again how nice i look smile

anyway, i am out on business all day tommorow, from very early in the morning, luckily i am seeing a 'dry' client (means they are not allowed to drink while at work)
so that is a BIG help, we can just go for coffee at lunch time grin this is a HUGE turnaround for me, a few days ago i would have been mightily pissed off at having to do this meeting!

i will be taking my numbers in case i need them (mainly for the train home)

so, am off to bed now, i feel quite tired again - btw, the spotty skin has cleared up, i actually look quite fresh and soft skined, it is a real boost smile

thanks again you lovely people, i have a feeling that you actually dont realise the enormous help you are being - you make me feel very humble, i'm amazed at the kindness i have found in the last few days, not just here but at AA aswell, as they say, it restores ones faith in the human race smile

see you tomorrow evening.

MY INTENTION IS NOT TO DRINK!

ps - i shall whisper this, dh says i no longer snore like a walrus blush grin

I've just read your whole thread. Without sounding trite, well done. It took years for my MIL to give up drinking and reach out to AA. Nearly destroyed my DH. She has now been in AA for 4 years and a different person.

Keep going, my DH has rebuilt his relationship with his mother. He'd had a shambolic upbringing due to her drinking.

Will be cheering you on.

IsGraceAvailable Wed 09-Jun-10 22:11:35

Right, jwn, you are now officially A Better Woman Than Me (I'm sure you were anyway, but still ...)

I offered myself a secret little challenge at the beginning of your thread. I wasn't drinking at the time - and decided if you could do it, then I would! I even found an accessible AA meeting. And, tonight, I have a bottle of wine on the go. So I'm a weak-willed hypocrite and you're not. Have another (regretful, but freely offered) pat on the back from me
One more day ... xx

MIFLAW Wed 09-Jun-10 22:48:03

"So I'm a weak-willed hypocrite and you're not."

You're no hypocrite, Grace. By the sound of it, you're someone with a drink problem.

As for willpower - let's talk about willpower. My willpower was what enabled me to keep drinking. On the days when I woke up broke, depressed and feeling like shit, when the lightweights wer reaching for their orange juice and aspirin and saying "never again" (God, how I despised them, they were like children) I drank again and it was my willpower that gave me the strength to do that, to overcome the horror of it all and do what life had apparently cut me out for. I had a vocation and pain was not going to deter me.

Willpower plays no part in my not drinking. I do not need it because I have accepted that I am an alcoholic and that not drinking is what is right for me. Give it a chance and your willpower will kill you. This is not a metaphor.

I hope you can get to the same place too.

IsGraceAvailable Thu 10-Jun-10 01:01:54

Thank you So do I.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Jun-10 09:59:13

But Grace, you don't have the incentive that JWN has. She has a DH and DD she cares about and wants to be the best she can be for them. The potential awful loss of their regard and the immediate rewards of their happiness are there to spur her on. When you do it, you have to do it for yourself, and you're still in a bit of a low self-esteem place by the sound of it, so you're not quiet sure you're worth it. Hopefully this will come. You really are so worth it, you know.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Jun-10 09:59:39

quite*

MIFLAW Thu 10-Jun-10 12:33:57

As my old pseudo-sponsor used to share, "the tears of my children never stopped me drinking."

Do it for YOU, Grace. Be selfish in a good cause.

I don't know if you believe in fate (most alcoholics seem to) but, if you were meant to die a drunk, don't you think you'd have managed it by now?

munchkinland Thu 10-Jun-10 13:51:03

I have just read this thread from begining to end, and have found myself crying (just the silent rolling tears) from the strength, love, positivitey, hope and down-right fabulousness of you JWN.
You are truely an inspriation - keep going your DD and DH are going to be so proud, just you wait and see.

MIFLAW - you are great, so lovely that you have been through this and spend so much time wanting to help others, you are a fantastic person.

Grace - Today doesn't have to be the end of the trying surely??? If at first you don't succeed?.....

This thread is amazing

EMS23 Thu 10-Jun-10 15:09:25

JWN - continued well done from me! Choosing pretty dresses with my Mum are some of my best times - it's lovely that you're making memories and you can be sure of actually remembering them now!
xxx

jesuswhatnext Thu 10-Jun-10 20:32:17

ohhh, you are all making me cry now!, i have never been called an inspriation before now shock - today has been bloody fantastic, i have attended meetings, travelled, eaten out and done a bit of shopping - bought a beeeuuutiful necklace and earrings on portobello road - i calculated how much i hadn't spent on booze during the last 10 days and treated myself with that money! grin AND I DID NOT DRINK - NOT EVEN ON THE TRAIN!!!!!grin i also found a lovely vintage pearl choker for dd to wear to her prom, am soooo pleased with myself.

on the way home i bought a scrummy cupcake, all done up in a ribboned box, got a cup of tea and a paper and enjoyed putting my feet up (i'm very lucky, i am able to travel first class, dosen't make the bloody train any quicker, but at least you can rant about it in comfort!)

dd is really pleased with me, thats twice now that i have been into london in the last week and come home sober, in my industry that can be quite difficult.

tomorrow, i intend to go to AA at lunch time, then do a couple of hours in the office before dh and i go to friends for dinner - i will be driving us home so i can not be tempted to drink - now, i do have one dilemma, the friends we are dining with are psycoanalyists (sp?), so, do i tell them that i'm an alcoholic or not? it is a long standing friendship and its always possible that they have guessed anyway, however, once i confirm it, will it change the dynamic of our friendship? - this is one i shall think off over the next few hours confused.

anyway - grace, please don't think that i have some kind of miracle cure or total iron will - i surely aint! i may fall off this wagon yet, who knows? - i just know that i have begun to regain my life, my family and my self respect, i'm pretty sure that i will have some bloody hard times ahead, so, like miflaw says - just a day at a time - thats all anyone with this sickness can do.

well, im off to make sure that the family have eaten, and then have a soak in the bath.

IsGraceAvailable Thu 10-Jun-10 21:52:11

What lovely messages I feel all warm and fluffy!

JWN, your friends are likely to guess (or assume you're pregnant!) If sobriety changes the dynamic between you, it might not have been the healthiest kind of friendship ... Most people don't bother about it, honestly. And it makes you a cheaper guest grin

jesuswhatnext Thu 10-Jun-10 22:08:21

grace, you fluffy little person you grin, what i mean is, will they try and kind of 'analise' me?, they are good friends and kind people, they also are very 'light-weight' drinkers, one sniff of the barmaids apron and they are all over the place grin will they see me as a more flawed person than they realised iyswim?

btw, to be pregnant at my age would be akin to the second coming, so that little question would'nt arise! grin

Karmann Thu 10-Jun-10 22:16:42

My word lady, you are indeed an inspiration! Admire you hugely, you are doing so well.

If these friends you are going to dinner with are good friends I doubt very much they will try to analyse you. As you say, they are kind people and you are their friend - not a client.

All the very best to you. I don't even know you but feel proud of you!

Slambang Thu 10-Jun-10 22:26:01

Hi Jesus

Following your progress with many positive vibes from afar. Congratulations on what you've achieved this week smile

I'm sorry if it's embarrassing but I actually think your friends will already know you are an alcoholic. Most people who are alcohol dependent think they are very good at hiding it but actually there are so many tell-tale signs that close friends will almost always know and be very worried for you. (They will count the empty bottles at the end of the night!)Your friends will probably be delighted if you tell them you aren't drinking and they probably wont ask too many questions.

Enjoy your night with them and take a bottle of posh non-alcoholic juice or elderflower cordial so you can avoid the 'oh we haven't got anything except orange squash' situation.

MIFLAW Thu 10-Jun-10 22:34:03

JWN

You will probably find that you are one of the last people to find out that you are an alcoholic ...

as far as whether to tell or not, I would say that it's a good idea to tell if:

1) you feel happy to do so
2) it won't freak them out (one to watch with old drinking buddies, for example)
3) you can see the conversation getting back on to normal stuff within 5 minutes, or else people can wrongly think that you talk of little else

But it's your anonymity. Never feel you can't break it (except in press, radio or film, etc) - but never feel you have to either. Nothing wrong with "being on antibiotics" if it makes your life easier.

jesuswhatnext Thu 10-Jun-10 22:43:31

slambang - i think you might be right grin given that the last time i saw them i was taken home from a party by 10'o'clock as i was trying to 'help' the lead singer of the band by harmonising to 'my way' blush

i will take my own juice. my friends are lovely but have odd taste, i have never enjoyed dandelion tea! yuck!

i have decided that there is no point being embrassed by being an alcholic, everyone who knows/loves me will have proberbly guessed anyway, and i have a feeling that secrecy won't help the situation - i truly believe that surrounding myself and the people i love with the truth is the best course of action for me, my real friends will come up trumps, they arent stupid people and would never give a glass of water to a drowning man

anyway, its been a hell of a long day, and i have loads to do tomorrow,, so i will say goodnight, sleep well, everyone!

and thanks once again, you are all so kind!

jesuswhatnext Thu 10-Jun-10 22:51:14

thanks miflaw, x-posted, - there are some people i wont tell, simply because i know them well enough to know that all they would do is judge in a very unhelpful way - the ones that matter to me are the ones that i know will be there, supporting me and dd/dh in any way they can. i will just judge when is the best time for them to be told, not just wade in and perhaps spoil others peoples events/celebrations etc.

i'm trying to think about what a guy was sharing about earlier this week, about the selfishness of the alcoholic, it is not always my turn to be the one with issues/problems etc.

want2dobetter Thu 10-Jun-10 23:11:57

okay, have watched this - have been drinking again (of course) you have done so well; you are an inspiration but it is so bloody hard

want2dobetter Thu 10-Jun-10 23:24:29

sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread - will bow out gracefully.

want2dobetter Thu 10-Jun-10 23:42:26

jwn i am sorry come into this so late - you seem like a really strong person and you should be so proud.

MIFLAW Fri 11-Jun-10 00:06:35

Want2

Stay around!

You CAN beat this.

jesuswhatnext Fri 11-Jun-10 09:34:40

good morning smile

want2, you haven't hijacked at all, like miflaw says, stay around!

just one thing, i'm not strong! - i'v just had enough, life was becoming a chore and was miserable - when i was drunk i thought it was making me happy, but it wasn't, it was destroying everything i hold dear, my family, my home, my job, my health - even the few days i have been sober have made a huge differance to all of those things and the longer it goes on the better it feels - i guess what i'm trying to say is just take it one day at a time, ok, so you had a drink yesterday, that is now past, now try and look to today - for two pins yesterday i could have had 'just one glass of wine', no-one was with me to give me a stern look or tell me it was the wrong thing to do, i just tried to remember how it felt when my dd looked at me such such disgust, that is what makes me 'strong'

anyway, today i'm off to AA at lunch time, i have missed the last couple of days and i now feel a kind of need to go, i don't think i want a drink, i just find that the meetings help me to focus on the job!

dd has her prom this evening, dh is driving her and her date, then we are off out for dinner - i'm driving us home - it will be no bad thing to be sober this evening as it would seem i will have a house full of teenagers staying to night wink

MY INTENTION TODAY IS NOT TO DRINK

see you later!

EMS23 Fri 11-Jun-10 11:09:33

Have a wonderful dat JWN - you are doing so well. Enjoy this evening and I hope you're dd has a wonderful time.

Loving you spending your alcohol money on treats for yourself!
Where did you get that cupcake in a box with a ribbon? Sounds bliss and in my pregnant state I think it's a treat I deserve!!!

xxx

jesuswhatnext Fri 11-Jun-10 14:48:22

just back from meeting, feeling really good, AA seems to have a very settlling effect on me smile i feel like i am really fitting in there!

anyway, am off to have the car cleaned and get a bit of shopping in for the weekend

i don't feel like a drink at all today smile

jesuswhatnext Fri 11-Jun-10 14:49:46

btw - got cup cake from one of those lovely little chi-chi cup cake shops - god knows how they will survive when the trend ends!

jesuswhatnext Fri 11-Jun-10 17:42:21

had a good afternoon, no booze - am now about to take photos of dd and date off to prom, she looks so stunning, god knows where she got her height from, she is about 5in taller than me + she has 5in heels on! i have never looked so elegant[green]

be back after dinner wiht friends!

IsGraceAvailable Fri 11-Jun-10 17:52:21

< god knows how they will survive when the trend ends! >

They'll be doing macaroons grin

multiplemummy Fri 11-Jun-10 22:04:53

Hi there. Was wondering if I could join in on your thread JWN. I have been reading the thread & have been really inspired by you hun.

I had my last drink on Weds & went to my first AA meeting last night (went to 2nd one tonight) At the moment my head is pretty pickled with all the information overload & I think I'm still in denial to be honest. I am different/I'm not as bad as him or her/things will be different "this time". Sadly I've been saying this for years & for a while (maybe weeks or months) I think I've "cracked it", I'll let my guard down & before I know it I'm waking up after a blackout with absolutely no idea what I've said or done. On a day to day basis, I probably drink (or drunk) maybe 4 double brandys a night. At the weekend it will be considerably more. I find it VERY hard to have a "night off" & when I do, I'm almost wishing the time away till my next drink. My mind constantly goes around in circles about how I can persuade my hubby to pick up another bottle of brandy or wine. My problem is I don't know when to stop & I normally stop when the drink runs out or I pass out.

Would really love to see how you get on hun cos you sound so upbeat. I'm struggling with it at the moment but I've only been off the drink for a couple of days. Infact, today I felt so awful (almost like a hangover) so I assume thats my body getting rid of all the shite out of my system.

Anyway, much love to you all.

Corinna xx

Superb progress JWN, practically another week under your belt!

multiplemummy, I'm sure you are more than welcome here, a huge congratulations to you for taking the decision to take charge of your life.

As Miflaw said earlier in the thread, don't ever say 'I've only been sober a couple of days'

It's a huge achievement and infinitely better than the alternative!!!!

You should be proud of yourself for each hour, for each day. WE're all proud of you! You'll get there, but you won't get there without taking the first step, the first decision NOT to drink.

A huge WOOO HOO for you multiplemummy! well done!!

jesuswhatnext Sat 12-Jun-10 00:14:45

hi, just checking in before bed, had a really nice evening, lovely food, a good laugh AND I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!!grin

its been a good day!

mulitplemummy, stick around! miflaw will hopfully be along later with some pearls of wisdom for ussmile - do read everything he says, its fantastic help, have a look at the links he gave me a couple of days ago, i have printed them out so that i can pick up and read whenever i feel the need - you sound like i felt 10 days ago, try and stick it - i cant tell you what a differance those 10 days have made to my life, i honestly feel like i am regaining the person that was once me. i would also say try and go to as many AA meetings that you can fit in, i know everyone is differant but i have found some kind of inner strength and peace just by listening to the people there.
i'm sure you are exhuasted, i know i am, actually dealing with everyday life while sober is quite hard, any decision i make is now 'my own', not dictated by the booze, so nothing to blame but my self if anything goes tits-up confused blush

i am not drinking a day at a time, sometimes even an hour at a time - you have 2 days under your belt, its a bloody good start in my book, well done, i know how hard you are trying smile

IsGraceAvailable Sat 12-Jun-10 00:25:34

Your daily WHOOOO! from me, jwn grin

Corinna, three days & two meetings is bloody brilliant. Well done Try to keep in mind you've done a Friday and Saturday night - lots of people don't make it through their first weekend! Five gold stars, missus. Here's wishing you well for your next one day.

They must have reminded the meeting to look for the similarities, not the differences. This does get a heck of a lot more obvious after you've been to a few. That said, each meeting has its own style - if there are others that you can get to, maybe try a few out? Some people form travelling AA groups: a car-full of them visit meetings in different parts of the country!

Try a mega-multi vitamin B Complex supplement for your hangover, and load up on slow-burn (low GI) carbs. Helps your poor ole body get itself back in sync

MIFLAW, if you're around, could you please pop over to this thread? Thanks.

jesuswhatnext Sat 12-Jun-10 12:43:15

well, just had a quick chance to log on, have had a house full of over excited teenagers, they all had a really great time smile

today my plan is to spruce up the house, do some washing and then dh and i are going for a browse araound a couple of antique shops i like, then for an early dinner some where nice ( i can see straight through him grin, he wants to go to the pub with the fellas tonight to watch the football and he is worried i will get the hump grin, no way! - i'v got a secret stash of chocolate and pride and prejudice on dvd, so, a wet colin firth or a football match, ohh decisions, decisions wink)

how you doin' multiplemummy - i will back a bit later if you are around this evening!

MY INTENTION TODAY IS NOT TO DRINK!

(i like to put that in capitals, seems to reinforce the sentence as i type it iyswim.

many thanks as always to the cheer squad, i think everyone should have one!

multiplemummy Sat 12-Jun-10 13:47:36

Hi there!

I'm okay today thanks) My grandparents are visiting from Scotland tomorrow & are coming over tomorrow night for a take-away, etc. My Gran doesn't really drink but my Gramps, bless him, is a typical Scotsman & loves his whiskey! I'm worried about it really cos I think its gonna be hard. I'm gonna make sure I get to a meeting tomorrow before they come over cos this should help me deal with tomorrow night better.

Hubby has just bought me one of those Tassimo coffee makers so instead of wine or brandy & getting sloshed in the corner, I'm gonna be drinking lattes, cappucino's & hot chocolates! Yum!!!! )

I'm still struggling with the thought that I'm not going to have a drink for the rest of my life. Thats pretty huge & I'm struggling. I know you have to take it a day at a time but at the moment, I'm still looking at the "bigger picture" when I really shouldn't.

Your doing amazing though hun. I must say actually, the reason how I found this thread was a reccomendation by another lady on a bulletin board that I've been a regular on for years. I posted something pretty similar to yours hun & Kath (one of the ladies) sent me the link to this thread saying that theres a lady that is really inspiring. You see!! Your famous all over the BB's hun!!!

Enjoy Colin Firth tonight hun. I love him. He's the only man that would make me SERIOUSLY consider eloping!!! Phwoar!! grin

xx

MelvynMummy Sat 12-Jun-10 16:49:01

Hey BB buddy,and JWN.
Last day of hols today. Am gonna have a minor burn out tonight but after tonight I will be sober!!!! I also struggle with the 'forever' idea tho.

Well done so far girls!!!

Kath.x.

jesuswhatnext Sat 12-Jun-10 20:00:58

good evening (she says though a mouthful of chocolate grin)

dh has gone out to the pub, i really don't mind, he did ask if i would like to go but even though i don't want to drink, i think that sitting in a pub, surrounded by boozed footy fans could push me over the edge!

well, MM, you've worried me now!, i wonder if fame will go to my head? - anyway, today has been ok, we went to a very nice restaurant for dinner and i managed to not drink, just had tonic water, i now ask for a large slimline tonic with ice and lime, it tastes very refreshing and tbh, i haven't missed having gin in it. i am nearly 2 weeks sober and it has been an emotional rollercoaster, i have felt on top the world at times, also i have been in the pits of dispair - i never never want to put my family through the dreadful pain i have given them again.

this house has begun to feel 'normal' as i walk into it, no atmosphere or tension, just calm, welcomming and peaceful - before, dh and dd could never be quite sure what mood i might be in, party drunk, angry drunk, morose drunk or even passed out drunk.

i too find the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life both terrifying and VERY daunting, so, every time that thought enters my head i actually pysically shake it and move the thought on!, i dont know if i will ever drink again, i just know that i'm not drinking today, that seems to me to be an achieveble goal and does not feel so incredibly hard.

so, on with this evening, i have got myself a couple of magazines and a box of thorntons chocs, do you know they are half price at the mo, cheaper than a bottle of brandy!

i don't feel the urge to drink tonight, infact, im off to make a cup of tea, be back in a bit smile

MelvynMummy Sat 12-Jun-10 21:38:22

You really are an inspiration JWN!

Honestly!! I think sometimes it takes someone like you who has the balls to publicize(even if only on here)their story, for others to realize their own similarities, and it's good to have a club to join too!!

Multplemummy and I(altho we dont know each other in real life) had decided that we both had a problem and that we needed to rectify it by major life changes. Your initial post was crying out to me and I had to share with her.

I am on holiday until tomorrow and thought I would be dry after that, but in fact have had a couple of glasses tonight, and now that is it!!!

And I so mean it!!

Watch this space. Last time I stopped drinking I lost a stone in 3 weeks! This time I have about 3 stone to lose so that can only be an added bonus!!!!

jesuswhatnext Sat 12-Jun-10 22:30:07

hi MM, i'm not sure about having balls, i simply got to a point of no return, my dh was about to leave me, my dd was desperatly unhappy and my life was in freefall - over the years i made every excuse possible to drink, yeah, 2 ex husbands, financial problems, whatever! - then life got better but still i drank, i was happy so bought champagne, trouble is, it all caught up with me, i know that my liver hurt after a really good session but i could lie to myself about that for gods sake and STILL go back for more
how mad is that? blush

only 12 days of being sober, and it it is all becoming clear - i drink because i'm an alcoholic, not because it is socialble or pleasant, i cant drink like other people, i always take it to extremes blush

anyway - have come through another day without a drink, it has been a good day, my dh and i actually strolled hand-in-hand through the park to the shops, chatted over dinner about ordinary stuff and generally just felt contented and happy to be together smile

tomorrow, if the weather is up to it we are pottering in the garden and tidying the summer house. i have decided this evening that i'm going to invite all my girlfriends for an afternoon tea party soon, do all the garden kath kidstonesque, with old china and bunting and cucumber sandwiches and generally horribly twee. i think it is imprtant to have something to look forward to and it is also nice to do things for other people sometimes - saying that, i will make some cakes for AA on monday, they seem to go down a storm, especially with the older guys who live alone, maybe homemade cakes are a bit of a treat.

i have lost a little more weight in the last few days, my clothes are definatly less sung grin, long may it continue, my skin also looks soooo much nicer, i'm losing redness in my face and my pores appear smaller (blimey, that makes me sound a right old hag, i'm really not, but i was heading down that road sad )

am off to bed now, dh will no doubt be back soon, i may well feign sleep so that i don't get a blow by blow account of the match grin.

see you tomorrow.

camaleon Sun 13-Jun-10 07:10:13

JWN,
I have drafted several messages to post and delete them all because I am not sure what to say. But would not like to let it pass one day more without telling you that I am part of your cheer squad.

When you speak about your days and things you are doing with your family/garden/the new group in AA, it makes me realise that it is much more than sobering up. You are providing a lot of content to your life. That is a great model to follow for many, alcoholic or not.

Have a fantastic Sunday! Although it seems that you already have a fantastic plan

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 11:21:12

good morning and thank you camaleon - i guess i do try and fill my day, keeping busy is a way of helping me not to drink, iyswim?

sunday is always a bit of a trigger with me, a day of relaxation should include getting pissed right! blushso, today i am gardening, cooking (we are all in for dinner including dds boyfriend)

AND I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY!

i am going into the office tomorrow for a meeting so i will need to prepare for that before i go to bed.

today is day 13 of my sobriety smile

sobloodystupid Sun 13-Jun-10 11:26:07

well done jesuswhatnext you are inspirational. One of my parents was an alcoholic, if you knew how uplifting it is to hear you talk about your new days with dh and dd. Fantastic grin

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 15:07:16

right, am logging on as i just had a 'wobble', dh and i been gardening, he went and got a beer and me a juice - for a few minutes i silently fumed that i coudn't have a beer, then i got the right old hump, slammed about for a few minutes and put the fucking kettle on!, i didn't want tea, i wanted wine sad

dh could see me struggling, gave me a hug and told me to look in the mirror, there was a 'good me' looking back, fresh faced and clear eyed, once i got rid of the cats bum mouth i looked quite nice grin

SO, BACK TO IT, I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY!

see you later!

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 15:08:46

i meant to say that i did not have a drink, even though i wanted one!

IsGraceAvailable Sun 13-Jun-10 15:28:15

Nice one
Congratulations on your reflection! (ooh, wordplay, geddit? grin)

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 19:43:33

hi all, well, have managed another sunday grin apart from my wobble earler on, it has been a good day, got loads done, the garden is coming on a treat, its a shame the lupins are going over, they have been spectacular this year.

dd and bf have had dinner with us and now gone out, i'm off for a bath in a mo, then do my nails, (i'm sorry, i'm sure you all are bored to death with the everyday routine i describe, it is just useful for me to be able to go back over my posts to see how things are moving forward)

my original post was two weeks tomorrow, it feels like an absolute lifetime ago, so much has happened. i do feel kind of re-awakened, iyswim, i almost feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, i think it must be something to do with the end of pretending i was ok, coping, functioning.

i still feel very tired, i think looking at myself and what i was becoming, truthfully, not kidding myself anymore, has taken it out of me, its strange though, i have loads of energy as well, its a very odd feeling (maybe its just a normal feeling, maybe this is how it is to be a non-drinker iyswim?)

anyway, i think that is quite deep enough for one evening, i hope everyone else has had a good day?

off for my bath, be back later smile

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 21:14:08

right, and bathed and nails done, the house looks nice, the cats are fed, dh is snoring in his chair and i'm off to bed to read the sunday paper.

tomorrow i am going to AA, going in work for a meeting and then going to yoga, am looking forward to it smile

dd has an exam on tuesday so i think i will cook fish for tea, my contribution to her brain power grin

goodnight all! smile

jesuswhatnext Sun 13-Jun-10 22:05:17

oh fucking hell, i had to come back sad, i just read the 'sally' page in the sunday times style magazine, it made me cry sad it really made me realise just what i have to do! i never ever want my dd to feel so alone sad

differentnameforthis Mon 14-Jun-10 02:29:58

JWN, well done on getting through your 'wobble', that can't have been easy...but you did it! That is great!

You are doing so well.

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 09:24:07

good morning, just checking in before i get on with the day, i am off to AA at lunch time, actually looking forward to it, the room has such a nice safe atmosphere it is uplifting just to go in smile

the window cleaners are here as we speak and i have no cash in the house and i have left the cheque book in my desk drawer, so the day is starting in a very normal fashion grin

dd has called to say she is revising at bf house today hmm hey ho!

anyway, must go and see if i can find 20 quid in loose change for the window cleaner, wont he be pleased grin

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 09:25:17

btw -

MY INTENTION IS NOT TO DRINK TODAY!

Hello, I've only lurked so far but a massive well done on what you've achieved so far. Keep it up JWN! FWIW I think if your DH wants to support you he shouldn't be drinking alcohol in front of you whilst you have juice - he should be having a soft drink too! JMO.

Hope today is another good day

JBroRo Mon 14-Jun-10 11:14:09

Hi JWN,

I've been reading your thread with interest over the last 2 weeks and just wanted to add my congratulations. I think you are doing so well and are definitely an inspiration!!

If you don't mind me asking, how regularly/how much did you used to drink? I'm just asking as I have a friend who seems to be in a similar situation and I think it would be useful for her to read your thread and make a comparison IYSWIM.

MelvynMummy Mon 14-Jun-10 11:35:45

Hi JWN, hope your windows bill is for a few weeks. If not you must live in a bloody hotel with lots of windows!!!!
I think its great that you managed to get thru it, paticularly as yur DH had a drink!!

I am back from holidy now. Kids at school. Washing in. Didn't have a drink last night, andwon't tonight either. I KNOW I can do this.

Am a bit concerned about Multiplemummy. Not 'seen' her for a few daysconfused

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 11:44:29

hi, just finished icing my cakes for AA - i don't mind dh drinking in front of me, tbh, it really makes no differance, if i want a drink, i will just go and get one, poor dd tipped quite alot of booze down the sink 2 weeks ago, but as i said to her - if i want a drink, i can just go to the shop and get one, not having it in the house will not stop me drinking if i'm set on it sad

i was drinking at least a bottle and a half of wine, monday to friday, (thats not counting what i drank while out on business!) considerably more at weekends - i have never really been into spirits though, i did have the odd gin, but of course, what we have to remember is that a 'home' measure is much more than a standard pub measure - i could often find a reason to drink tia maria/baileys or amertto in the evening - i drank everyday without fail shock

this is the first time that i have acknowledged my alcohol intake honestly shock - i have known for a long time that it was a problem, i just refused to face it, i thought i was doing ok and no one was really noticing, how bloody daft can one person get?

anyway, must be off, walking to AA is also doing wonders for my figure - i feel pretty good today, and the postman just said i looked a bit glam for a monday morning grin (no, i did'nt pay him to say it!)

noddyholder Mon 14-Jun-10 11:47:56

Well done!It is good to hear a positive view of AA as there are a lot of people who don't get it!My dp gave up drinking 18 yrs ago with their help aswell as his own belief and he hasn't looked back.We have a great fun life and it was the making of him in every way You couldn't meet a happier person and I wish this for you xx

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 11:48:57

well done melvyn, it would be great to support each other! smile

no, the only person who thinks this is a hotel is dd! i do have a lot of windows though!

be back later, must go or i will be late.

Happy 2 Weeks today JWN! Well done for getting through that wobble!!! That must have been hard, was it your first major wobble?

Glad DH was so supportive of you, we can all see how much he loves you and wants this to work!

Thinking of you as ever!

Good for you MelvynMummy! well done!!!!

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 17:01:22

just checking in - am off to yoga in a mo, am at work right now so must be quick

meeting today was good, very settling for me and am glad i went, a new lady came today - GET THIS, her husband will not LET HER come to AA!!! shock she sneaked in while he was visting someone! FUCKING HELL!!! there are some weirdos in this world! - i gave her my number and said call any time sad makes me realise just how lucky i am. christ knows how i would cope without dh and the support he gives me.

be back later, am off to learn how to meditate hmm

loves2walk Mon 14-Jun-10 17:41:10

You have done so well, be proud!

That is really awful though about her H not letting her. Maybe he is an alcoholic too and threatened by her trying to stop.

You sound like you have a lovely H and DD and I'm sure they can see how hard this is for you but how you're so brave to be sticking to it.

Well done youx

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Jun-10 18:25:26

Very likely, loves2walk. Or maybe he likes her being an alcoholic because he can get away with more when she's incapable. I remember FIL used to pour MIL a huge glass of whisky when she came in from work, then having given it a little time to go down, started in on the EA, gradually reducing her to tears. She'd have been better able to keep her cool on a cup of tea.

multiplemummy Mon 14-Jun-10 18:47:51

Hi all.

I'm still here-just finding it extremely difficult at the moment so thought I'd keep my head down for a few days. JWN is doing so amazingly well & I didn't want to put a dampner on the board with my tales of woe.

Been to AA everyday since I became sober last Tues & sometimes its really inspiring & being there most definately helps. As I still think I'm in a bit of denial, sometimes I come out of meetings even more confused that when I went in. I'll listen to people "share" & I'll think "well I'm not as bad as him/her" so my mind starts telling me that I don't have a problem. Yesterday I was thinking "I'll just give myself one more chance" but I'm kidding myself. I've given myself a million chances already & its always ended up with me passing out on the settee pissed as a fart or saying/doing something stupid.

Anyway, thats where I'm up to. I know it'll get easier & I know I need to keep things to the "today" but I'm finding it so tough.

xx

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 20:26:31

multiplmummy - i do know just where you are coming from, the first few times i heard people share i sat thinking well, i don't seem that bad, what i have thought later though is that if i carry on as i am it most certainly WILL get that bad, i'm lucky, my rock bottom came before i was living in a hostel (or worse, nowhere) with no family, no job, no money, no self respect and no dignity - i have listened to people in the last few weeks in just that position and quite frankly, there but for the grace of god go i! sad

you are putting no dampner on to the thread - if i can help you to feel like i do right now please keep coming back - you are nearly a week sober, give yourself a break and do a twirl grin, i take it from your name that you have dcs, when you tuck them up tonight just look at them sleeping! they love you and they need you and you are doing the right thing for them, you know that deep down don't you! (i know you do lady, or you wouldn't be putting yourself through this would you?)

anyway, bring on the tales of woe if you wish too, a problem shared and all that grin btw, your mind telling you that you haven't got a problem is quite normal, so i'm told, i have had that thought too, my trick is to actually try and stop thinking for a bit - i try and move my thoughts on to the next job/activity etc that i want to do.

i know its hard, but if we keep on drinking, it only gets harder, just in a different way!

multiplemummy, a week? already! Well done love!

you can do this, it will get easier! proud of you! <<hug>>

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 21:40:21

hello hissy smile yes that was my first major wobble! am very proud of myself for not giving in!, day 14 is nearly over and i feel grrreat grin

tomorrow i am going to the office, then AA and going to see my mum, she has rung me today to say she is very proud of me, aren't humans a strange lot?, she has never before said she was proud of me, even when i passed exams, had dd, that sort of 'good' stuff, now, once i announce i'm an alkie all of a sudden shes proud of me sad

oh well, am off to bed in a minute, have fed everyone, dh has been to al-anon, says it was useful.

see you all in the morning - hope you have a good evening MM smile, hang on in there!

jesuswhatnext Mon 14-Jun-10 21:42:32

PS - HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY grin

CJCregg Mon 14-Jun-10 21:51:44

Hello jesuswhatnext and multiplemummy - hope you don't mind me crashing in, but I've been lurking on your thread, and am so impressed with how well you're both doing.

I just wanted to say (as a very happy member of AA for two years) that I still have days when I think 'oh, I wasn't that bad' and in fact I didn't get to the rooms for years because I thought I wasn't 'a good enough drunk'. But someone very wise said to me that it's better to be inside the rooms wondering if you belong there, than outside, drinking and denying your doubts (or something - I'm sure MIFLAW can put me right). Anyway, I've never looked back and I certainly don't want to go back.

All the best to you both smile

jesuswhatnext Tue 15-Jun-10 09:11:52

good morning, am knackered, had a rotton nights sleep due to the fact i was a piggy with the chocolate, i stuffed about 6 of my favorite centres just before bed, then guess who had indigestion all bloody night? serves me right for hogging all the stawberry creams grin

anyway, i have got a busy day today, am off to the office this morning, AA at lunch time and then home to make a chicken pie for dinner.

dd has an english lit exam this morning, fingers crossed for her, i know she has worked hard for these exams, just hope the last few weeks haven't put her off kilter.

how are you MM? please let me know, was thinking of you during the night!

be back later

MY INTENTION TODAY IS NOT TO DRINK!

jesuswhatnext Tue 15-Jun-10 16:03:13

having a pretty good day, did a bit of a share today at meeting, that was my first time and i felt really nervous, but the lady who did the main share was amazing and i identified with her very much.

hope everyone is ok? the 2 MMs?

be back later

MelvynMummy Tue 15-Jun-10 17:19:24

I am fine JWN, but have got ahouse full of kids to feed and a governors meeting to attend at school at 7pm, so will be on later.
So good to see you doing so well!

jesuswhatnext Tue 15-Jun-10 21:32:07

good evening smile - today has been fine, have not had a drink, haven't really thought about having one.

meeting today was very thought provoking, again, the selfish nature of the alcoholic was the main kind of thrust of the conversation, its incredible the lengths that we will go to to get our own way, to ignore the needs of the people around us and in fact just be the most self-centered arseholes you can imagine sad(alkies i mean, not you nice normal people grin )

i,m really trying to think about the first of the 12 steps, to admit that i had no control and my life was unmanagable - its a hard thing to admit, for many years i have thought of myself as strong, capable and self-reliant, to many degrees i think i still am, i have to admit that instead of asking for help when i needed it, i let things go to far and almost self-medicated - when things got tough i opened a bottle of wine.

dh has bought some leaflets home from al-anon, one of them describes how often, the alcoholic is emotionally immature, i am going to give that some thought as well, its true that i have no paitence, i want a cure overnight and for my family to suddenly turn into the waltons, i am impetuous, dramatic and occasionally downright stupid sad

anyway, enough navel-gazing for this evening grin , my poor addled brain can only think deep thoughts for a few minutes at a time!

tomorrow i am going for my spa day - woohoo!
i'm really looking forward to it, it will be lovely to have good gossip with sil, and i'm having a pedicure and an indian head massage!

we are having lunch there, but,
I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

MIFLAW Wed 16-Jun-10 00:45:09

This is just my advice and you are welcome to ignore it - but, though enthusiasm and earnestness are great (and essential) I would leave the steps alone for now and wait until you are a bit further away from a drink.

Note, for example, that you have twisted the first step. It does not say, our lives WERE unmanageable (i.e. in the past) - it says that our lives HAD BECOME unmanageable (i.e. are still unmanageable at the point of taking step one, and potentially for some time afterwards.)

Recovery is not a race and no medals or lollypops will be given out. Give time time and just get used to life without a drink so that, when you come to try to put it right, you know what's actually wrong with it.

IsGraceAvailable Wed 16-Jun-10 01:02:06

I've got medals, MIFLAW - not that I deserve them currently hmm

I'm still fiddling about with my drink 'problem'. Think I should go to AA anyway - there are 2 meetings here; they're only once a week; I'm constantly revisiting my steps and a meeting wouldn't hurt with that; there's no reason why not ... JWN, MMx2 &co, you're inspiring me!

You'd be unlikely to find me bringing fairy cakes, though. Your lot must love you, JWN grin

IsGraceAvailable Wed 16-Jun-10 01:03:43

(We used to get lollipops at one of the London meetings, too, so there!!!)

MIFLAW Wed 16-Jun-10 01:13:48

True enough, Grace - I stand corrected.

but, joking aside, they're medals for sobriety rather than recovery, aren't they? I mean, I instinctively mistrust anyone who says "I've done the steps" (especially, "I've done the steps twice"!)because I don't believe anyone's EVER "done" the steps. I've had a go at all of them, but I haven't finished them and I never will.

Progress not perfection ...

Definitely agree about the cakes. I must find where this meeting is!

jesuswhatnext Wed 16-Jun-10 08:53:03

good morning, must be quick as am off out in a mo.

im not 'doing' the steps, just thinking about the meaning of the first one and how i can apply it to myself, how it can help me iyswim? - miflaw, i have heard someone say they have done them twice, i took it to mean that he had begun drinking again in between doing them, maybe iam very wrong, i don't know.

i like the 'progress not perfection' comment, its a good one to follow, especially for a control freak who has to let go a bit! (me!)

anyway

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY!

see you later smile

munchkinland Wed 16-Jun-10 12:02:41

JWN, MM, MM, Grace and others - I thought I'd lost this thread and haven't read since last week....was worried that you had all abandoned.

So pleased to hear that everything is good and getting better with you all and that you are all getting your lives back.

I love hearing what you are up to every day, keep it up!

Anyway, noticed there hadn't been as many cheers for a while so whoop whoop!!! grin

MIFLAW Wed 16-Jun-10 14:15:58

Normally when someone says they have "done" them twice they are, as it says somewhere in the big book, "nearly breaking their own arm from patting themselves on the back" that they have gone through them once in order and then gone through them again. I think they would say they had drunk again if that's what they meant.

The understanding of the steps that I prefer is that they are like a set of spanners. You learn how to use them, one by one - and thereafter, whenever you have a problem in life, the challenge is to find the right spanner (or combination of spanners) to apply to that particular problem. And, of course, the more you practise, the better you get at handling those spanners.

In terms of using the steps to understand yourself, all well and good. In that case, though, note that it says "our lives had become unmanageable". In other words, our problems are not solely related to our drinking and stopping drinking alone will not fix them ... An easy thing to overlook in the early days (I know I did.)

IsGraceAvailable Wed 16-Jun-10 14:20:36

IMO, they form a perfectly sound philosophy for life. I was a bit peeved when people in meetings said they'd had a Step Twelve 'epiphany'. I wanted one!!

I sometimes wonder if they were the people who, having Done All The Steps, now believed themselves to be perfect hmm

fatoftheland Wed 16-Jun-10 17:22:58

Just wanted to say I have been reading this thread and you should be so proud of yourselves.

There will be dark moments but you sound like to have good support networks in place to get you through.

Well done, hope you continue to go onwards and upwards!x

jesuswhatnext Wed 16-Jun-10 18:35:41

good evening, just back from my spa day, oooooh, i have had a lovely day grin, i am pampered from head to foot, had a lovely lunch - AND I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!

thank you for all the helpful comments as always (and the cheers!)

miflaw, i understand about problems not being solely to do with drinking, the trouble i have is that in general, my life is very good, i have a lovely family, a good job, that i enjoy, a nice home and tbh, not too many financial worries - my drinking WAS causing most of the problems i now have with above blush i can fix my job easily, i am definatly now more in control of finances and my house is now a sparkly new pin - fixing the damage i have done, solely through my drinking, to my family will take a lot longer to do sad

grace, i agree with you, it would'nt hurt any of us to try and follow the steps, particuarly with regard to how we treat others - i'm pretty certain i will never announce myself to be perfect though grin

anyway, will be back later!

MIFLAW Wed 16-Jun-10 18:48:40

"my drinking WAS causing most of the problems i now have with above" - I know, I know - my life problems, too, was mainly caused by my drinking.

So I stopped drinking and they went away.

so I had no problems.

So I drank again.

And they came back with a vengeance.

There is a saying in AA (there always is, isn't there) - if you want to know why you drank, stop drinking! In other words, fair enough, your drinking was causing all the problems - so what was causing the drinking?

This is all just my thoughts, of course - do not lose sight of the fact that you are doing fantastically well and need never drink again.

IsGraceAvailable Wed 16-Jun-10 18:53:30

JWN, you're brilliant grin

Well done for today!

noddyholder Wed 16-Jun-10 21:03:50

MIFLAW is right it is vital that you find out why you felt the need to 'medicate' with alcohol when lots of people have similar lives/issues and don't.It does affect all the areas of your life but it is not enough just to remove the substance.AA will help with this though You are doing well xx

jesuswhatnext Wed 16-Jun-10 22:30:30

thanks for the comments, all thought provoking!

for tonight, i'm off to bed - its been a long day, but good.

i have a hell of a day tomorrow workwise, so will not make it to AA at lunchtime - i may well try my first evening meeting, i feel quite nervous about doing that, daft isn't it?, its just that it will be a whole new group of people i suppose, i will be the new girl again confused

goodnight, see you tomorrow smile

ps - i have not had a drink today grin

multiplemummy Wed 16-Jun-10 22:39:19

Hi there.

JWN, I'm so glad you had a nice day hunni. A spa day sounds wonderful. I might have to persuade my hubby to invest in a spa day for me too!! wink

Well, I went along to my 7th meeting today (7 meetings in 7 days!). As always, I was so inspired & uplifted by the stories of people who were once helpless & desperate & who now have, by the looks of things, a bloody good life. It was a lovely meeting tonight & I just felt that there was something really special going on in that room iykwim. The selflessness of these people that just reach out to you is just amazing. I'm just in awe of them.

I am still finding it very difficult. Its not the "not drinking" that I am struggling with really, its the "am I an alcoholic". I KNOW that most alcoholics started off at AA thinking the same thing, but I'm just soooo confused. confused I mentioned this to one lady & basically said that my drinking wasn't "that bad" & she said to me that alcoholism is like a train journey-you can get off at any stop. Thats really stayed with me & has really given me something to think about.

All this "higher power" business is also confusing me. I'm not a religious person AT ALL (too much catholisism shoved down my throat as I child, I think) & I know you don't have to be of any faith to believe in a higher power or a God as you see Him, but I just can't figure out for myself what this could be to me iykwim.

All I can do for now is to keep going to meetings & hope that eventually things will start making sense to me. I have 2 year old twins, but thankfully an amazingly supportive husband so I am going to try & give the "90 meetings in 90 days" thing a try.

MIFLAW, if you have any words of wisdom, please give them to me. I could do with a shove in the right direction at the moment. My head is well & truly gone...sad I just wish that things were as clear to me as they are for other people.

Love to all. xx

ifancyashandy Wed 16-Jun-10 22:50:17

Hi MM, I have no experience of what you're going through so I don't have any words of wisdom but I didn't want to read and run.

The fact you've not had a drink AND attended 7 meetings in 7 days is AMAZING. You should be very very proud of yourself.

Someone far more wise than me will be along soon but in the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself and remember what you've achieved so far.

Hang on in there x

MelvynMummy Thu 17-Jun-10 00:00:51

Keep at it MM. Glad to see you on here. Have been worried!

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 08:55:36

morning everyone - just a quick check in, been at work since sparrow fart!

hang on in there multi!! you are doing really well, try not to think too much, just try and go with the flow for a while, a day at time smile don't forget that the rest of us are wadeding through trecle too!

be back later!

lottiejenkins Thu 17-Jun-10 09:03:33

JWN. I am in Suffolk too! Positive thoughts from one Suffolk girl to another!!!

Anniegetyourgun Thu 17-Jun-10 09:29:02

"It was a lovely meeting tonight & I just felt that there was something really special going on in that room iykwim. The selflessness of these people that just reach out to you is just amazing."

MM, that is your higher power: the power of people pulling together, doing things for each other. Your shared humanity. When people get together, for good or ill, there is nothing they cannot accomplish. This is what a good family should be like too, and a good church, and a good community. Alas, so often they aren't!

MIFLAW Thu 17-Jun-10 11:14:54

Multi

Good to hear that things are going so well for you.

Are you an alcoholic? Who knows? The only straightforward answer I can give you is by way of an anecdote.

A man phoned the AA helpline in tears. When he calmed down a bit, the doubt set in. How could you identify whether you were an alcoholic or not?

"Well," said the man at the other end of the phone line, "it's not easy to be hard and fast - but, in general, they're the people who ring this number."

As for Higher Powers, I am happy to confirm that I am an agnostic and have no problem with the Higher Power. Why don't you try one of these and see if it works for you?

1) You might not believe in a god - but you can imagine a god, surely? If you can, what do you imagine that god would want you to be like? Kind, adult, responsible, not always seeking to say "if" and "but" but to accept things as they are, not trying to run the show all the time, putting others first occasionally without expecting a big pat on the back? Fair enough - whether or not this god exists, why not try doing all that and see if your life gets better?

2) How about making your subconscious your HP? It is not you in any controllable sense; it definitely exists; it has pwer over you but you don't have power over it.

3) Lots of people use the AA group as an HP - indeed, AA literautre suggests this as a valid starting point. Why not start like this and see how you get on? You can always change later.

4) If all else fails, then a useful piece of advice I received was this. "The only thing you need to know about God is, you're not It." YOU don't run the show; YOU can't change everything; YOU sometimes have to put up and shut up. Accept that and move on.

7 days is an immense amount of time without a drink for an alcoholic. You are doing fine. Try not to worry about the future - keep it in the day. The rest will come.

Hope some of this helps.

EMS23 Thu 17-Jun-10 12:22:00

Am so happy you've made it to two weeks and beyond JWN. Well done to everyone else.

I'm having a hard time in my life at the moment - not alcohol related - and this thread is a good reason to smile and believe in good things and good people.
xxx

MoominMags Thu 17-Jun-10 13:09:02

I have been lurking around this board for some time but I just wanted to say hello. I am fighting my own battle with this life-threatening illness at the moment. Feels like I am losing it presently but got myself to a meeting last night so doing OK today. The support on here is amazing and I suppose I just wanted to be a part of it.
Thinking of you all! x

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 13:47:12

hi moomin - just stuffing a sarnie at my desk, excuse the crumbs!

anyway, good to have you aboard smileyou sound a bit down sadi won't be getting to a meeting today as my deadlines are looming, so i will be back later this evening if you want a chat! - i find this thread is nearly as good as a meeting for keeping me on track - i don't want to let my 'cheerleaders' down - they are fantastic, listen to my ramblings and generally help me to keep on keeping on!

be back later smile

ps - i know how hard it is, all you can do is keep trying smile

MoominMags Thu 17-Jun-10 14:00:52

Hi JWN, so nice to get a reply so quickly! I suppose I do feel quite down. Had managed almost 11 months without alcohol but have had 3 binges in past 3 months. Just feeling sorry for myself - and self-pity is a bad thing. I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass' and I know it will! It's just getting there that's painful.
It's lovely to read how well you are feeling and doing - a real reminder of how great it is to get past the early days. Thank you for your kind words.

munchkinland Thu 17-Jun-10 15:18:34

Hi Moomin,

One of the cheer squad here....you are more than welcome to join.

I have no close experience at all of this sort of thing, just "fell upon" this thread really.

I do have an uncle who is a clean drug and alcohol addict (clean for about 15 years straight now, although had years of "yo-yo-ing" and battling) and remember some very embarrassing/upsetting times as a child as he lived with us for a while.

But as he has now been clean for so long, it feels great to have "found" this new uncle that I never knew. He is amazing and such an inspiration to all around him.
It wasn't all easy though and there were tough times, but he did it as can you guys!!

You are all amazing for seeing, recognising and starting/continuing the journey to becoming YOU again.

Whoop whoop!!!

MoominMags Thu 17-Jun-10 15:55:00

Hi Munchkin,
Thank you for your message. It's lovely to have a cheer squad!
Feel a bit like I have dragged the tone of the thread down - and it's been so inspiring up to now, oops! I have lots of positives to think about - so that's what I need to concentrate on. I have lovely AA friends and a sponsor so I just need to get my head out of my backside and get on with it!
I am looking forward to seeing how everyone else is doing...

munchkinland Thu 17-Jun-10 16:11:48

Not dragging it down Moomin...promise smile

DillyDora Thu 17-Jun-10 16:12:01

Hi JWN and others - sorry not time to read all 11 pages properly but wanted to add my support. My brother was a heroin addict for 19 years and is now in recovery, I go to Families Anonymous (like AlAnon but for drugs) and it's really helped me get a grip of myself, I don't feel the need to try to control his life anymore! Just wanted to say well done, well done, well done JWN for getting to those meetings, it's fantastic to read about your recovery.

Moomin hang on in there. I don't think you're dragging people down - recovery isn't a straight road is it? More of a wobbly one - for all of us!!

Anyway, hope to be back soon (keep coming back!) and in the meantime just really well done! As munchkin says 'whoop whoop!'

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 16:59:59

hi all, just taking a cake break grin, its been a bugger of a day, my team have worked their bums off and are off to the pub in a little while - i have said i'm too busy this evening to go and given them my credit card to go and play with grinthey all looked at me like i had grown 2 heads! me, not going to the pub! unheard of!!!

tbh i am busy this evening, we are goining away this weekend for a huge family get-together, staying in a huge house with various little nephews, nieces, sils, bils etc. dd is coming as is her bf, so, i have to pack, sort out the cats, and then do some cooking as i'm taking various bits with us, so i have my work cut out.

i'm really pleased with myself, previously, i would have gone to pub, found an excuse to stay for hours and then been too pissed to get on with what i need to do tonight and would have ended up spending a fortune on ready made food that just dosent taste as good as homemade.

thanks dillydora, i think we all need a bit of help now and again, what we need sometimes is almost permission to ask iyswim?

back later

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 17:03:19

btw - i'm happy to go this weekend as there are going to be 2 AA going cousins there - i know i will have loads of support from them, they have been in recovery for a few years now and are doing really well.

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 18:42:40

well, what a differance an hour can make sad - i got home from work, dh and dd already in, dh has obviously had a rough day, dd has a cold - both of them seemed to start on me, a blazing row has been had by all, dh says he still may leave me, dd says i am a bitch, i have no understanding of how they feel, i'm selfish and may as well fuck off for all the use i am sad

right now im a mixture of sadness and anger, i know i have hurt them, i know its only been 2 weeks, but fucking hell, i cant try any harder - i feel angry that this almost seems an excuse to be downright bloody hateful towards me, particuarly on dds part. dh has an ability to behave in a really cold, off-hand dismissive manner at times - i cant bear it, i am demonstrative by nature and find it so hard when people i love withdraw from me sad (perhaps this is the 'emotional immaturity' i have been reading about)

i am not going to drink, that won't help the situation at all, just feel sad.

jesuswhatnext Thu 17-Jun-10 21:12:17

ok - all had a good talk - we have to decided to look into having some kind of family therapy, dh apologised, said he was being deliberatly hurtfull and is just as committed to our marriage as ever, dd has had a good cry sad she says she does of course love me and dh, she just is scared of the family breaking down, poor little sod, she has had a lot to contend with, plus do her a levels and cope with all the usual teenage angst they all go through.

i have not drunk, nor wanted to - i just want to be a normal wife and mum!

hope everyone else is having a better evening!

loves2walk Thu 17-Jun-10 21:17:58

That sounds really tough JWN, I do feel for you. They obviously love you so much though, maybe they're just processing some of their pain and this is going to happen occasionally. Maybe it will help the healing because it will force you all to confront each others feelings.

WELL DONE FOR NOT DRINKING XX

ifancyashandy Thu 17-Jun-10 21:18:39

Someone (again) with far more knowledge about these things will be along JWN but hand on in there and well done for not turning to the booze. I guess - as you are learning - people deal with recovery in different ways. Your family (and you don't need me to tell you this) are recovering too.

Be nice to yourself x

multiplemummy Thu 17-Jun-10 22:45:02

Well, I have had a drink tonight. blush Not much. Just 3 single brandys.... I don't know how I feel. I'd been umming & ahhing about whether I was an alcoholic all week well I'll know soon enough. In the "big book" its says; you can't turn an alcoholic into a "normal" drinker. Only time will tell. I'll either get my act together or I will fuck up again soon. There is a bottle of brandy in the kitchen & I'm happy with the amount I've had. I don't feel like I want another one. Is that a good sign or is it just me being overly cautious because its early days of giving myself "another chance". confused To be honest, my head is wedged right up my arse (sorry for being so crude) & I just wish I could wave a magic wand & it all be okay. I've texted the girl that I met at AA last week & whom I get on so well with. I told her that I'd drank tonight & she just said that she'd here for me if I ever need her. How nice is that? I feel like scum. So many people reached out to me at AA & here I am, drinking.....

I shall miss my meetings actually. Does that sound silly??? There were so many genuinely lovely, selfless people in those rooms & there is a shortage of those people in my life to be honest. I shall miss them but as I am giving myself one more chance to get my shit together, I could not contemplate going back to a meeting (unless I fuck up again, as I said)

So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman that just wasn't ready to accept (or maybe I'm actually quite a "normal" drinker after all & I was just going through a blip)
I have 2 year old twins who I'm on my own with everyday. I don't drive, I feel so isolated sometimes, I'm lonely, I'm depressed-so I drink. Maybe when I get back to work & start adding some structure to my life, my drinking will go back to normal. PLEASE God, let it go back to normal....

Sorry for the crappy post. JWN-ur amazing hun & I wish you all the love & the luck in the world. Thank u everyone else (MIFLAW included).

Love to all. xx

camaleon Thu 17-Jun-10 23:37:50

\multiplemummy,

From my very limited insight on this it looks like you really have a problem. But I guess you need to discover by yourself.

JWN... I have seen several uncles on both sides of the family struggle with alcohol and I have seen the families struggle with them. It is very difficult for you now and you need all their support. Please try not to be resentful. Probably both your dh and dd have also needed your support when you were unable to provide it. They may feel that now you are better, but still you are the one needing the most. One of my cousins used to say this about his recovering alcoholic father: before it was about his booze and the consequences and now is about his recovery. At the end it is always about him.
Focus on non drinking and not much more. You cannot cope now with all the history of this or their emotional needs. However, try also not to feel bad if their express them. It is normal but you are doing all you can do right now to deal with it, basically, not drinking.
You are an amazing woman!

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 09:06:56

multi, -you are NOT scum - please dont think of yourself like that, all you are is a human being struggling with a problem - i am the wrong person to ask if you are an alcoholic or not, my judgement is seriously flawed on that one or i would not be here myself - all i can say to you is that you sound very down, very lonely and perhaps you have pnd - in my case the booze did not help any problems, just made them worse sad

you are not a fuck-up, you are a nice lady who needs a little help!

even if you decide to have a drink, please keep coming back for a chat - i promise there will be no preaching! just one woman trying to help another smile

cameloen - thanks for your post, i am trying very hard not to feel resentful or selfish, i think everything that was said last night actually needed to be said - what is good is that, once we had all calmed down, we all agreed that we perhaps needed outside help, in the form of some kind of family therapy, to help us try and heal and stay together as a loving family, none of us want to seperate, we all agree that we are a little unit and we are going to do what ever it takes.

my resolve hasn't faltered (thank god)

we are putting off leaving for the weekend until i have been to AA, hopefully that will keep me focused - i have found a meeting in the village we are staying in, in case i need it, but i also have out 2 relatives around as well, so, i should be alright.

anyway

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY

MoominMags Fri 18-Jun-10 09:16:48

Morning all,
JWN, that's brilliant that you have got through family troubles without picking up. You are doing so well. If you just keep doing what you're doing the problems with your family will get better. Just think how much worse they would be if you were drunk? A million times.
Multiplemummy, please keep checking into the thread just to keep in the loop.
Camaleon, that was really interesting the comment you made about everything always revolving around the alcoholic - whether drinking or recovering. It is certainly food for thought for me.
As for me, well I have not had a drink for 4 days. Having had a good bit of sobriety previously it's frustrating to be back here but I will keep going! Thanks to all x x

MIFLAW Fri 18-Jun-10 11:26:20

"In the "big book" its says; you can't turn an alcoholic into a "normal" drinker. Only time will tell." Hasn't it already told? You didn't mean to drink. You had a drink. What is your definition of a problem drinker if it isn't that?

"So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman that just wasn't ready to accept (or maybe I'm actually quite a "normal" drinker after all & I was just going through a blip)" you're not going to like this, but it sounds a bit like you're trying to let yourself off the hook. Oh, of course I drank again, I'm a silly, weak-willed woman. I couldn't possibly stop, not me, no.

Everything about this post and your previous posts screams that you want to stop drinking - or, at least, that you want to stop drinking the way you've been drinking. So go back to AA and be honest with people.

Some of the strongest-willed people I know are in AA - strong-willed to a negative extent, sometimes. Their willpower, their solemn intentions, the tears of their children and dying relatives - these things did not stop them drinking. They are not relevant.

Do you honestly think that normal drinkers go around exerting willpower in order to control their drinking? If they want a drink, they have one. If they don't, they don't. They make rational decisions with regard to alcohol and then stick to them. If you were a normal drinker, you would find you were capable of doing the same.

"I'm lonely, I'm depressed-so I drink." If you honestly believe that then all I can say is, thank fuck you're not a Muslim! How would you cope if you couldn't drink? How do you think Muslims and Methodists cope with depression, shyness, sorrow or even just boredom?

If you need to drink even when drinking is unadvisable or against your wishes then, by definition, you are a problem drinker. Willpower, a better job, a happier day or a lottery win will not change that. You need help.

sorry to nag you - but, for your own happiness, face the facts and act on them. You owe it to yourself.

Thinking of you.

DillyDora Fri 18-Jun-10 11:34:58

JWN you guys are a really a family in recovery now which is pretty tough. Everyone has to change because addiction is family illness. The best thing your DD & DH can do is go to AlAnon to deal with their stuff. All of this is going to take time. And tbh DD is under a lot of pressure with A levels, my family split up and everything went to hell during mine (so much so that I was self-harming, left home for a bit etc) and it was soooo hard but I lived, see, here I am! Got a doctorate now and a posh job wink Seriously though, see if you can get them to go to meetings, they'll be so relieved, that is the place for them to be.

Hang on in there, all of you, it's worth it. Just for today!
xx

MoominMags Fri 18-Jun-10 11:40:53

Agree with DD. My parents went to their first Al-Anon meeting this week (I am actually married but my poor parents still seem to end up dealing with a lot of the crap from me) and they really 'enjoyed' it if that doesn't sound weird! They were so relieved to be around people who understand. They did not have to put a game face on. Definitely something to think about x

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 11:47:13

miflaw - i know what you are saying is right, but blimey man - that was a bit harshly put! i have a feeling that multi needs a few kind words at the moment!

btw, muslims seem to 'relax' with a sheesha pipe, quite addictive ime grin

MIFLAW Fri 18-Jun-10 12:37:05

They WERE kind words.

Muslims MAY relax with a sheesha pipe (though in my experience they don't, that is a North African cultural thing and Bangladeshis, for example, don't) but no one was talking about relaxing. I was talking about "depression, shyness, sorrow or even just boredom". Lots of normal people relax with a drink - me, I just get shit-faced.

I am very grateful that I didn't get more "kind words" when I went to AA or I'd be dead by now. I got a lot of hope - my problem was not unique, there was a solution, and other people would help me if I wanted them to - but, beyond that, I often heard the advice directed to me and others to "get off the pity pot."

Have you yet come across the expression, "poor me, poor me, pour me another?" I was as prone to that as anyone, in or out of AA. It is the easiest thing in the world to say, in all sincerity, "what's the use, I'll never get out, I've let everyone down, I might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb."

So many people who say that go on to prove themselves right and end up rthe premature occupants of a six-foot-long box.

I would hate to see that happen to anyone on here because it need not happen at all.

See? Quite kind after all, aren't I?

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 12:49:30

alright, alright! don't you know that no-one likes a bleedin' know-it-all! grin

perhaps i am still a bit raw from last night, i just know that my family shouting and ranting etc, wasn't what i needed last night - all i wanted were a few kind words and a bit of acknowledgement that they knew i was really trying, i know, i'm selfish, i know its early days yadda yadda but iam trying with all my might to 'get off the pity pot'

and yes, you are very kind! smile

DillyDora Fri 18-Jun-10 12:52:42

JWN You can't control your family's behaviour (just like they can't control yours)so if they feel ranty then ranty it is...but here's the thing, as you go on in your recovery you will learn how to look after yourself better and allow them to have their feelings without feeling knocked off centre yourself. Working the steps is going to allow you to develop an inner strength you never knew you could have grin seriously, keep it up and you won't know yourself!

MoominMags Fri 18-Jun-10 13:02:39

I think that feeling raw is really normal - in early recovery emotions that have not been felt for many years make themselves known and it's scary. Speaking for myself most emotions were to be drowned in alcohol! For me it feels like my skin is really, really thin... All normal! x

MIFLAW Fri 18-Jun-10 13:04:01

JWN

I think that's the difference.

Your family do know that you're really trying, because you aren't drinking.

Multi will have a hard job convincing anyone - including herself - because, not only is she drinking (which happens to a lot of us) but she is not even convinced in her own mind that there is a problem and doesn't want to go back to the place that's helped her most to date until she IS convinced.

Also, JWN - do you work? Imagine that you (or someone you manage) had been underperforming for some time - not just slacking a bit but making BIG mistakes. The result would be some kind of probation.

If they turned it round for two whole weeks you'd be impressed and pleased - but would you really think, oh well, I was wrong, it was just a blip, forget this probation nonsense?

Or would you say, this is excellent, but I'll reserve my judgement a bit longer until I'm sure this isn't a flash in the pan?

That's pretty much where your husband and daughter are at right now. Fantastically impressed; extremely happy; probably amazed; but nevertheless waiting and seeing and also still sitting on a few resentments that they didn't get out in the open when you were still drinking. Give them time, and give yourself time. You're doing great and they know it.

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 13:22:00

aww milflaw - you are an old softy really aren't you! grin

and a bloody know-it all! grin

probation is a really good way of looking at where i am now regarding the family - they also have every right to off load the resentments that have built up, its proberbly healthy that they do, even though i know it is right, it dosen't make it any easier for me to take.

IsGraceAvailable Fri 18-Jun-10 13:28:37

JWN, how about doing a bit of Steps 4&5? You don't have to do them in one, big squelch you know ... because that would be "all or nothing" like an addict, wouldn't it wink

Maybe if you make a small start on Step 4, you could have a small conversation with DH and DD at the same time.

Small, though! No bingeing on your steps, either.

multiplemummy Fri 18-Jun-10 13:35:42

Well, if I didn't feel like shite, I do now.

JWN, your dead right. I do have PND or at least I did. After the birth of my twins, I spent 2 months in hospital recieving treatment. It was a bloody awful time for me & my family. I had what they call "peurpral psychosis" (I think I've spelt it right grin )which isn't pleasant at all. I'm not on a "pity pot" MIFLAW, in fact I went on TV to tell my story in the hope that other ladies with this awful condition know there is help out there if they want it. I'm proud that I spoke out. It was hard, but I did it.

I've always been quite a drinker, but it was really when I came out of hospital & was still struggling with the PND that my drinking became bad. Still, since that time I have been out with my friends & often I'll be the most sober one at the end of the night (granted-sometimes I am the most pissed too! wink ) Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for a drink at all, & sometimes I'm in the mood for getting completely shit-faced. I know that the main reason I drink is to shut my brain off for a bit & I know this is a bad reason for drinking, but I don't think I'm the only person in the world to do this.

I spoke to my daughter the other night (she is 17) & I told her that I was trying to quit drinking completely. She actually said "don't you think your going a bit over the top quiting completely?" According to her, when I've had 1 too many, I'm funny & a little embarrassing sometimes but thats about it. I'm not a nasty drunk or a violent drunk. I'm a "I love everyone-lets have a group hug" drunk. Annoying, maybe??
Still I know that the regular drinking & the "not so regular" binges need to be stopped. I have contacted my community alcohol team today & have an appointment with one of their people next week. So, I know I need help. I'm not sticking my head in the sand. I just wonder whether complete abstinence is neccessary. If it doesn't work out well this time, well then, back to AA I go.

I'm going on holiday in 3 weeks time. I know that this will be quite a test for me. Normally, holidays=major piss up from start to finish, but I have 2 small children (& 1 thats not so small) & for their sake if not for my own, I will do whatever it takes to get this sorted. If it means I cut down & have regular appts with the community alcohol team then so be it. If it means that I have to go back to AA with my tail between my legs, then thats okay too.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now.

P.S though. How do you know that I'M not muslim MIFLAW. 99.9% of muslims don't drink, but a tiny minority do....

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 13:39:11

thanks grace, i will give it some thought!

you are so right about 'all or nothing', when i smoked it was 60 a day blush grin i never do anything in 'half measures', i think maybe i have an addictive personality!

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 13:49:26

multi - only you can make the next call on your drinking habits - the only thing i would say to you is this - i too was once the life and soul of the party, always had fun, did daft things etc, then, very gradually, i started getting cross, being a bit snippy, got a bit mouthy - got nastier, got drunker, got even nastier - this has happened over several years, not just all of a sudden iyswim.

still, i meant it, no preaching, i'm more than happy to listen, i don't have the long term sobriety that miflaw has and the clear brain that seems to go with it grin, and in no way have all the answers.

MIFLAW Fri 18-Jun-10 13:59:56

Muslim = shorthand for practising Muslim. You are right, some Muslims do drink. And some of them end up in AA too. Ditto Methodists. Ditto (especially in America) teenagers and even children.

I was in no way suggesting that your clinical depression was why you were on the pity pot.

I was talking about this:

"I feel like scum. So many people reached out to me at AA & here I am, drinking....."

and this:

"So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman"

You've been to AA. You will have heard people say to you, "keep coming back." Now, if you don't want to go back, then of course you shouldn't, but if you do want to go back - because people reached out to you, because you were happy there, because you will miss the meetings - then what are you waiting for? For people to phone you and beg you? Go to a meeting if you think it will make you happy and worry later about the textbook definition of an alcoholic.

Why do you feel like scum? because you've had a drink? Normal people drink. And alcoholics who don't treat their alcoholism drink. So whether you're an alcoholic or not, you've done exactly what society expects of you. How does that make you scum?

As for willpower - again, it doesn't come into it. You might as well try exercising willpower on diarrhoea. Alcoholism is an illness and you don't think yourself well.

Or, again, the alternative is that you're not an alcoholic, in which case you don't need willpower not to drink, you just make a choice and it happens.

Basically, either you are an alcoholic or you're not. If you are, it doesn't make you a bad person. But nor can you choose not to be. If you are, you need to get help from somewhere or it will kill you.

I would therefore suggest that, until you know for sure one way or the other, you assume you are one and act accordingly.

Hope you find this more positive.

multiplemummy Fri 18-Jun-10 14:23:53

But how can I go to AA?? I'm going to a family reunion on Saturday which is going to be a case of "would you like a slice of my atmosphere" cos my aunty hates my cousin, my cousin hates my Mum, etc, etc. Its only happening cos my grandparents are visiting from Ireland. Anyway, I might have a couple of glasses & only a couple is what I intend to drink. Also, I will possibly have a drink with my dinner when I'm on holiday. If I fuck up, then thats a different matter but I can't continue going to meetings while I'm still drinking, albiet moderatley. Thats not fair to the people I have met & who genuinely seem to care about my wellfare.

My head is screwed at the moment. I soooo don't want to be an alcoholic & I really want to prove to myself that I'm not. I've always been in control of my drinking up till about 18 months ago when it all went horribly tits up. If its been sociable & acceptable before, why not now??? I'm so scared to fail & I'm even more terrified to have to admit that I'm an alcoholic. My sister thinks I'm giving myself too much of a hard time & she actually laughed & told me to not be ridiculous when I said I thought I was an alcoholic. On the flip side, my Mum thinks that I am (but so is she to be honest-she's even worse than me!) so I've got so many differences of opinion regarding my drinking & I don't know what to think....

Sorry, I'm rambling....

xx

IsGraceAvailable Fri 18-Jun-10 14:41:33

Sweetheart, you've got so much crap going on at the minute, you could do with some support couldn't you? As you felt comfortable with the AA group you went to, I'd recommend going there some more. It's okay if you drink - just don't drink on the day of the meeting, and tell the meeting about the drinks you've had.

There are wider benefits to AA if you keep your mind & spirit open, and I think you would benefit from them. They won't put up with you drinking for ever, but just for now, see how you get along with it

My mum loves me being an alcoholic! She enjoys it so much, she's now decided my sister's an alcoholic too (my sister's never expressed the slightest problem with drink). One day I might drown the woman in a vat of Rioja wink

MIFLAW Fri 18-Jun-10 14:46:12

"but I can't continue going to meetings while I'm still drinking, albiet moderatley. Thats not fair to the people I have met & who genuinely seem to care about my wellfare."

Utter bollocks. Do you honestly think that you would be the first person to go to a meeting while still drinking? If you're convinced that you're not an alcoholic that's different but the fact of whether you have had a drink is neither here nor there.

Your second para is much closer the mark. You don't want to be an alcoholic (whereas most of us couldn't wait ...) and are worried about what others will think.

Have you ever considered that people don't want you to be an alcoholic because it will complicate their own lives? Perhaps they think they can never open a bottle of vinegar in front of you again. Perhaps you are their camouflage - "God, if SHE stops drinking, I'll have to look at my OWN drinking!" Perhaps, like you, they worry that AA is for "odd" people and don't want an odd relative. Perhaps they are just worried that your meetings will clash with Casualty or Last Of The Summer Wine. Whatever.

You need to do what is right for YOU and forget about these various "wellwishers", even if they're close friends or family.

PS I know you are not the first to go to a meeting after a drink because I did it myself.

PPS I have no wish to judge your family but occasions where people hate each other but still congregate together tend to be riddled with undiagnosed drunks. You could be describing my own family!

CJCregg Fri 18-Jun-10 14:46:30

Multiplemummy - I do feel for you, I really do. Only you can decide what you want, and I sympathise with your dilemma.

You say 'I soooo don't want to be an alcoholic & I really want to prove to myself that I'm not' - I felt exactly the same and so I 'controlled' my drinking for ten years. That was ten years of counting units, constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone else was counting, feeling ridiculously pleased with myself and self-justifying all over the place when I had a well-behaved night out, and full of shame and denial when I didn't. I didn't want to be an alcoholic either - didn't want to give up my friend, my comfort, my crutch.

I cut right back to 'normal' levels of drinking but I always wanted more - and sometimes I'd have the odd binge but that was ok because everyone does that sometimes, it's socially acceptable - within limits.

When I eventually got to AA (a long story, but emotionally I was falling apart and I finally realised that I needed help) I listened and identified but still detached myself and thought 'I wasn't that bad'. But I was happier, suddenly, because I'd made the decision to stop and all that pain and anxiety suddenly lifted, because I had chosen not to drink any more. I love my sober life, I don't miss alcohol because I know now that it wasn't my friend at all, and I wish that I'd made this decision ten years earlier. No regrets, and everyone says you come to AA when you're ready, but I know I could have spared myself years of pain if I had just been honest with myself, and open to the possibility that life might be better without booze, not worse - because it is, there's no question about it.

Sorry, this has turned into a mini-share! I didn't mean to go on that long but I felt drawn to your post and your dilemma. If nothing else, keep posting on this thread because it can only help to get your thoughts and feelings out. The fact that you're on here, and that you've talked so honestly about picking up a drink again, is proof of your courage.

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 15:10:09

multi - fwiw, there was a guy at my meeting a couple of days ago still pissed from the night before, he looked dreadful, stunk to high heaven and had to go out a few times to throw up - no one batted an eyelid, all he got was help, support and encouragement - maybe that was his rock bottom, i don't know, all i know is, he was welcomed by some very kind and understanding people.

(yes, i was surprised he turned up in that state, i had previously thought that it would be a big no-no, but thinking about it afterwards, where else should he have gone for help - he is an alcoholic)

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 15:13:45

cjcregg - o-o-o i wanna be like you-o-o-o, come on! singalong!

have just realised i never needed booze to turn me into a nutter blush grin

MoominMags Fri 18-Jun-10 15:20:23

I have been to loads of meetings where there have been obvious hangovers or people very drunk and they have never been shown the door. Other people at the meeting will suggest that if they are drunk they would be better off talking to someone at the end of the meeting rather than during it. If anyone can understand it's AA members!

IsGraceAvailable Fri 18-Jun-10 15:40:03

JWN - me neither! The only difference is that you notice people saying the same thing over and over and over and ...... wink

IsGraceAvailable Fri 18-Jun-10 15:44:52

Multi - Prob should have added that when I said "They won't put up with you drinking for ever", I was thinking of a guy in one of my meetings who was asked to reconsider what AA meant to him. He'd turned up pissed (I mean falling over, mumbling-swearing pissed) to every single meeting for three and a half years.

jesuswhatnext Fri 18-Jun-10 15:56:15

well guys, am off for the weekend now, wish me luck! if i can get a connection (am off to 'banjo country' i will log on over the next couple of days, if not, will be back monday evening

hope everyone has a lovely weekend! smile

multiplemummy Fri 18-Jun-10 16:50:04

Have an amazing weekend JWN. You really deserve to have a lovely, relaxing time.smile

CJCregg, your post has really struck a chord with me. Thats exactly how I have been for a long while now. I remember coming home from a girly night out not long ago & I was completely sober (I'd only had a few...). I was so chuft with myself & thought "well there you go, I'm obviously not an alcoholic" then the following weekend, I got so drunk that I had to get a couple of cans of stella down my neck the next morning to "kick start" my day. blush

I am going to try & have a relaxing night tonight cos today has been a nightmare. The twins have driven me MAD!!! My little girl has just been so naughty & mischevious & my son has just whinged at me aaaallllll day long. Am going to make a curry & watch the football with my husband & oldest daughter. Not drinking tonight either cos I may have a couple at this family reunion tomorrow.

Thanks so much for the advice & kind words. I really appreciate it. Love to you all. xx

CJCregg Fri 18-Jun-10 22:31:15

Whoop, whoop, JWN, you're doing great and I can tell you're feeling good about it grin

Multiplemummy, glad my experience struck a chord. Reading back over my post, I should stress that although I thought I was drinking 'normally', it was still excessive and deep down I knew I was kidding myself. It was only a matter of time. You know that three brandies isn't really 'normal', just like I knew that opening a bottle 'to get me through putting the kids to bed' would eventually become 'to get me through their teatime' and that it wasn't really ok. I rarely drank at lunchtime (except at weekends), and never in the mornings (except on holiday) - I never got arrested (except once when I was a student) or hit anyone (no, but I certainly hurled abuse) or woke up on a park bench clutching a bottle in a brown paper bag (but found myself in some very strange places that I couldn't remember getting to, with people I didn't remember meeting). So I couldn't be an alcoholic, could I?! Bottom line, though, was that once I'd had the first drink I wanted go on all night. What stopped me - most of the time - was the 'I don't want to be an alcoholic' line - but it didn't mean I wasn't an alcoholic.

Can you tell I haven't been to a meeting tonight? grin I can't shut up ... Sorry to go on, but I do know what you're going through, I think, and I hope this helps just a bit.

By the way, MIFLAW is dead right about other people having a vested interest in you not being an alkie. It means they have to examine their own drinking, and every boozer feels really uncomfortable in the company of recovering alcoholics - I should know, I spent years feeling awkward with them until the message finally rubbed off! Only you can assess your own drinking levels, and only you know if you are feeling happy or not.

Good luck tomorrow. Try and think 'Just for Today' if you can (do you have a Just for Today card? I carry one around with me, it is my talisman) and see how you feel about not drinking - you might just feel better. If not, fair enough, but keep posting.

Sorry - really have gone on too long now. All the best.

thumbwitch Sat 19-Jun-10 01:26:50

MIFLAW and others - can you come and post on this thread please - the curry title is misleading, it's about alcohol problems. Thanks, and sorry for hijacking on this thread.

MoominMags Mon 21-Jun-10 09:10:11

Hello, just wondered how everyone's weekends had gone? Hope everything went well x

MoominMags Mon 21-Jun-10 12:45:47

JWN - just remembered that you are not back until this evening. I hope you had a successful weekend - I stayed sober so it was fab!

jesuswhatnext Mon 21-Jun-10 21:51:12

hi everyone! grin - just back, am totally knackered, i always forget just how tiring small children are, i love them dearly, but, oh my word, when you hear 'mummyyyyy, i need a drink, wee, poo', insert as app. at 5 in the morning, it is absolute bliss to turn over and go back to sleep in the certain knowledge that you are NOT their mum grin

anyway, on to the point! i have had a fantastic weekend, have been to a party, out for dinner (twice), cooked for 11 people and

I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!! grin

i had a good long chat with my recovering cousin, he was brilliant help, the whole family are right behind me and it has been great - i have not had a drink for 3 weeks now and i am chuffed to bits with myself - it was also good to spend time with dd and dh - only the usual type of family bickering happened, you know the type of thing, 'did you pack my toothbrush'? 'no, you're grown man, i thought you were capable of packing your own'

so, lovely to hear moomin had a good weekend, hope everyone else did, am off to bed now - i think i have had the life sucked from me by small boys grin

see you all in the morning grin

sobloodystupid Mon 21-Jun-10 21:57:19

Haven't read the whole thread but am so grin for you jwn. You deserve this lovely life.

MelvynMummy Tue 22-Jun-10 00:17:51

I too have had a fab weekend. Was worried that I would falter as it was our local 'Walking Day' which is always a good craic. So thats 9 days now for me!!

Well done JWN and Moomin..
JWN, your weekend sounds like my life. I have a girl and 2 small boys, and I, unfortunately don't have the luxury of rolling over in just under 5 hours!!!!

On that note, I'm away to my bed!

jesuswhatnext Tue 22-Jun-10 11:06:22

good morning - am a bit late today, have done weekend washing, put away the suitcases etc and am now ready to begin the day! i am going to AA at lunchtime and a function in the city this evening - I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

so pleased to hear you had a good weekend melvin grin did you notice that it was just as much fun sober? - i am finding that i can socialise easily without a drink in my hand, i'm pleasantly surprised that i am finding 'small talk' quite easy and it is a bonus to wake up in the morning without thinking 'oh shit, what bloody drivel have been chatting about this time' grin

i know that i have a long way to go, but bugger me, life is getting better every day!!!! grin

loves2walk Tue 22-Jun-10 11:31:18

JWN - what a cheery post - you sound great! Well done

Do you mind if I ask you something? Do you think there is anything that can be done to help someone recognise the fact that they have a problem with alcohol and get some help? Or do you have to wait till they seek out that help themselves?

I ask because my brother has been drinking a lot for years. He drinks every day without fail, sometimes a huge amount and he ends up incoherent and falling into bed/sofa. Sometimes is just half a bottle of wine. A few years ago we had a long chat about it and I asked him would he try making sure he had 1 or 2 alcohol free days each week just to give his liver a break, and he said yeah, yeah, sounds good. But never did. His long term girlfriend is worried about it but she doesn't know what to do. She told me this weekend that he had a liver function test a couple of years ago which resulted in him cutting down to his current level of drinking as it showed some signs of early damage. He is such a lovely guy, I really want to help

MoominMags Tue 22-Jun-10 12:08:03

Hello L2W, I have been thinking about your question... God, I don't know. For me I always knew there was an issue on some level but when anyone pointed it out I was affronted! However, I think that people pointing out the situation had a kind of drip-drip effect on me so as the years passed I was almost ready to accept things. (Kind of! It's still hard.) Perhaps you could chat to someone from Al-Anon over the phone?
Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble and probably not helpful! x

loves2walk Tue 22-Jun-10 14:40:30

No that is helpful mags! I hadn't thought about Al-Anon. Thanks

Fantastic moomin, melvyn and JWN, you are really awesome!

jesuswhatnext Tue 22-Jun-10 23:39:07

hi, sorry i'm so late, just back from function - SOBER! grin

loves2 - i will be giving your question some thought before i go to sleep, my initial answer though, is that i would think it is nesr impossible to 'make' someone recognise their problem - it took a 'rock bottom' moment for me to recognise it, and so far, everyone i have heard speak at AA has said the same - it seems to be that a moment of clarity is needed, i think that moment is different for everyone. personally, i did not get to the point of homelessness/illness that i have heard some people talk of - my moment was the realisation that i would lose my family - your brothers moment will be his own iyswim? confused

i will try and articulate further once i have had some sleep! grin

see you all tomorrow!

jesuswhatnext Wed 23-Jun-10 09:41:02

good morning - must be quick as i need to get to the office

i am going to AA at lunch time and doing some housework this afternoon, this house looks like a bomb has hit it - i think we have all been in just long enough to make a mess and then go out again.

hope everyone had a good evening - it always helps when the sun is shining and the long evenings really kick in, lovely for pottering in the garden.

anyway, must go, be back later smile

MIFLAW Wed 23-Jun-10 10:42:47

JWN

Thought you were in Suffolk? You are very lucky to be outside London and still have all these daytime meetings available.

L2W

Jesus is right, he has to hit rock bottom. The only thing you can do (apart from looking after you) is to try and accelerate that impact. Perhpas start refusing point blank to lend/give him any money - and tell him why ("I think you have a problem with drink.") Refuse to cover for him or bail him out in other ways. The more he feels the impact of his actions, the sooner they will hurt.

Do bear in mind though that he is very ill and so this can be a high-risk strategy - some people do very silly and dangerous things to get drink and/or drugs if the normal "easy option" is refused them. You will have to judge for yourself what his "plan B" is likely to be and apply (or not apply) this strategy accordingly.

And certainly don't expect him to like it or thank you any time soon ...

Hope this is of some use though realise it's not much.

loves2walk Wed 23-Jun-10 11:01:48

Thanks to you both JWN and MIF, it is hugely helpful to have your perspective. I can see the need for him to hit rock bottom before accepting help and I suppose I just need to be around for if/when that happens. Scares me though thinking what type of life he is heading into before he reaches that point....

It is his GF that does a huge amount of scaffolding of his life/work/home, so I imagine when she has reached her 'had enough point' that's when this will come crumbling down

Thanks so much

jesuswhatnext Wed 23-Jun-10 11:19:39

miflaw - yes i am in suffolk, i was surprised actually at just how many meetings there are avalible to me - the lunchtime one is really well used too!, there are always between 15 and 20 people there. dh has found that there is also a good amount of al-anon meetings too.

DillyDora Wed 23-Jun-10 11:29:36

Hi Loves2 just to add my 2pennorth about rock bottom - you can't predict when it will come or what will precipitate it. With my bro, after 19 years of heroin use it was a certain birthday that did it, he just felt that if he continued using after that time he would be a junkie forever and he didn't want it. He'd already lost the love of his life, so it wasn't that that did it. It's really hard, as family members we try hard to predict/control the actions of the addicts in our lives (partly to just be able to see an end to the hell!!)but that way madness lies, I'm afraid, the single thing you can do to really really help yourself is get to an AlAnon meeting so I'd really encourage you to do that and to focus on yourself, and your recovery in this very hard situation.

Good luck and hang on in there.

MIFLAW Wed 23-Jun-10 12:02:52

Just to add to the last post - it's true that the precise cause of a rock bottom is intensely personal and may not seem particularly bad to outsiders. My own was a drink driving crash - I'm not saying it was fun but no one was hurt (or even involved apart from me) and I didn't get any sort of prison sentence. I just remember thinking, "they're treating me like a common criminal" and then the realisation, "hang on - I AM a common criminal!" and, though I took a while to stay in AA, that was what did it for me.

So, though his rock bottom will be dreadful for him, it may not be what you yourself would think of as the bad stuff. So try not to worry too much about him in the mean time.

loves2walk Wed 23-Jun-10 13:03:25

Yes thanks MIF I don't worry too much, just do a typical big sis thing of wanting to make his life all fine and take away any pain! Not realistic, I know.

Sorry, JWN never wanted this to be a hi-jack! You are all very helpful, can't imagine 19yrs of someone you love addicted to heroin, that must really be hell. I am lucky that my brother is not an angry drunk, or even arsy, just lovely, bit wobbly, very slurry and goes on endlessly about how much he adores my boys. Talk about mothers boring the pants of other people with repetitive stories about their little darlings, he could describe the minutae of their lives for hours! Is a darling really, just wish he'd be a sober darling occasionally

DillyDora Wed 23-Jun-10 13:14:51

loves2 my brother is a darling too, you'd be surprised, always held down a job and for so many years none of us had a clue what was going on. Funny ol' business, addiction. I hope your brother gets the help he needs, and that you do too.
x

loves2walk Wed 23-Jun-10 13:46:13

I'm sure he is Dilly and it sounds as though you have him back - that he's beaten his addiction? That must be so good. And thanks for the mention of Al-Anon.

Hope your meeting went well today JWN and you get your jobs done at home with a spring in your step!

DillyDora Wed 23-Jun-10 13:50:25

Loves2 you need to stop thinking in terms of people beating their addiction. I don't mean to be harsh to anyone here but relapse is part of recovery and we must accept that. I honestly don't know where my bro is at in terms of his addiction. He's on great form generally, going to meetings, taking care of himself and looking very well but it's a daily battle. I admire him so much for all that he has gone through (and of course, spent many an hour wanting to beat his bloody head in!) but I don't think about the future. Just for today he is well and, so am I!

Go to AlAnon, you'll learn so much. I've been in FA for about 8 months and it's changed my life.

Ok, no more from me cos now I'm hijacking!!

loves2walk Wed 23-Jun-10 13:59:08

OK, point taken - didn't realise an addiction wasn't 'beaten' so sorry if that comment was insensitive. But I can see that the process of stopping, for want of a better term, is much more than just the actual stopping. You're saying it's an ongoing thing that you have to take from day to day. OK, I can see that now.

Lots to learn as you say, but also this is all for another thread some other day!

DillyDora Wed 23-Jun-10 14:00:19

'Zackly! And you weren't being insensitive, dafty! There is indeed loads to learn, and it does all help, it really does.

jesuswhatnext Wed 23-Jun-10 18:28:31

good evening - had a really good meeting - i was asked to do the 'main share', oh blimey, i nearly ran off - it was terrifying and kind of amazing all rolled into one. as i started speaking i didn't have any idea of what was going to come out of my mouth and then it all sort of fell out iyswim confused, i rambled on for half and hour blush, and thinking about it later, i only just scratched the surface.

so, this afternoon has been a bit non-productive, i was exhausted and had a little lie down in a darkened room grin well, a bit of a kip tbh grin

until i spoke i had not given much deep thought as to why i drink, but it appears that i have a few 'issues' - a great many are to do with my 2 failed marriages, particuarly my 2nd, which produced dd - i had thought i was indifferant to him, i now think that i may still be full of rage for what he did to us angry

enough navel gazing for one day - back to the present, now it has cooled down a bit i'm off to do some housework, be back later!

jesuswhatnext Wed 23-Jun-10 22:56:37

well, its been a good day - I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK! grin

i told my best friend today that im an alcoholic, she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me smile i'm glad it is 'out', i think it needed to be!

anyway, very busy day tommorow,work first thing, AA at lunch time, then i am shopping for my 'ladies tea party' which is friday afternoon, i have 9 friends coming, which will be lovley, the forecast looks good grinthen we are of to dds art exhibition, looking forward to that very much, its great to see her progression, i think she may be pretty good at this art stuff! (shame her mother is a philistine confused)

goodnight all, hope everyone had a good day.

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 09:15:24

where is everybody? - have i bored you all to death?

Coolfonz Thu 24-Jun-10 10:03:05

Keep on keeping on JWN!

MIFLAW Thu 24-Jun-10 10:26:35

Still here - good going, JWN!

Well done on your first chair - though, if I were you, I would avoid doing them until you have at least 6 months sobriety (this is the informal guideline in most places anyway.)

I'm not saying don't share though - just don't accept the "lead role".

Glad that it went well though.

EMS23 Thu 24-Jun-10 11:19:24

JWN - I'm still here, cheering you on and being mightily impressed at your progress and determination.
Well done sunshine!
xxx

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 11:25:44

thanks miflaw - it was sprung on me at the very last moment, i didn't mind as such, just found it quite stressful - i had a nightmare about exh no2 last night, the first one i have had in years, it was a relief to wake up, it was so vivid sad - wow, the thought just struck me that i might get to 6 months sobriety! what a massive thought!!! its only 3 days until i get to my first month!! fucking incredible grin never knew i had it in me grin

must do some work before i leave for meeting - see you later

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 11:27:21

ps - glad people are still around - you are so helpful grin THANK YOU!!!

loves2walk Thu 24-Jun-10 11:32:37

What are you doing for your ladies tea party? Sounds a fabulous idea! Might have to borrow that one for a sunny day....

MIFLAW Thu 24-Jun-10 12:47:52

You did the right thing to accept in the circs.

I just think the person who asked you did the wrong thing - not least because, as you say, it can be quite stressful, and new people need protecting from that as much as possible. You're still developing your own experience, strength and hope - the basis of many a future successful chair, I am sure - by learning from that of others. Well done you, though, for seeing it through and coming out unscathed!

You will have all sorts of odd dreams and emotions for a while - this is what the drink used to suppress. Go with it, share about it, and try not to drink on it.

Of COURSE you might get to 6 months. Or 6 years. Or even (depending on your current age) 60 years.

As long as you do it one day at a time and only count your time looking backwards, not forwards, you're in with as good a chance as any of us.

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 22:40:09

another good day grin - i am knackered, been to work, AA, taken dd and bf out for lunch (DID NOT DRINK!), been to dds art exhibition (am very proud, i think i have the next tracy emin grin) then i went to sainsburys to get the shopping for my tea party tommorow - this late night shopping is a revelation to me, normally, this time in the evening i would have been far too pissed to drive anywhere blush, however, i am now so organised it hurts grin

did have a bit of a moan earlier, everyone was drinking wine at the exhibition, ohhh, i could have fancied one, so i griped to dh for a few minutes, contemplated calling an AA friend, then pulled myself together - glad i did, it would have been a disaster if i had picked up!

miflaw - thanks for the thought of 60 years sobriety, that will make me 107 grin

sundew Thu 24-Jun-10 22:52:26

JWN

I have lurked on your thread and just wanted to say how fantastically you are doing. I stopped smoking on the 6th June and although my journey is nowhere near as hard as yours I keep thinking if you can do it so can I!! grin

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 23:09:10

sundew - thanks very much - i gave up smoking 12 years ago, i never do anything by halves and was on 60 a day shock blush, actually, in many ways beating the fags is just as hard as the booze in my book.
i am now a rabid anti-smoker grin, it stinks, makes me feel ill and im bloody glad i don't do it anymore.

i used patches for the whole recommended time, it was 3 months back then, don't know if that has changed at all?, i did find that a lot of people would say that they did'nt work, turned out they were only using them for a few days! one tip i was given was that the craving for a cigarette only lasts for 4 minutes, so, find something else to do with your hands for those 4 minutes and the craving will pass.

ps. after i hit the one year mark, i bought myself a brand new car as a reward grin i worked out the cost of the car was actually less then i would have spent on cigarettes that year!

jesuswhatnext Thu 24-Jun-10 23:11:28

i hope that one day the smell of booze will be just as revolting to me as the stink of fags!

jesuswhatnext Fri 25-Jun-10 10:46:47

good morning - am cooking up a storm here, getting ready for this afternoon, the garden looks great, the fruit cocktail is chilling and the cakes are in the oven

oh what a beautiful day grin

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

MoominMags Fri 25-Jun-10 11:04:06

Morning all, JWN you are doing so well! It's great to watch your mood lift as you recover. I have had a bad few days - yes, been drinking, bleurgh, but made it to a meeting last night (seemed to spend most of the time weeping but never mind!) I am off to my Home Group tonight so I am looking forward to that. It's just really 2 steps forward 1 step back at the moment. Still I am sober today - so that's a successful day!
Hope that everyone else is OK too.
x

MoominMags Fri 25-Jun-10 12:51:52

Just wondered if anyone was about today. Feeling really blue and low. It's lovely to hear how everyone else is doing. Gives me a little boost! Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine!

loves2walk Fri 25-Jun-10 12:55:34

I didn't want to leave you unanswered Moomin, I'm sorry that you're feeling low.

Well done though for being sober today - that is something to feel proud of especially on a day when you are feeling low - good for you!

MIFLAW Fri 25-Jun-10 12:57:15

Moomin

Keep coming back.

It gets better.

and remember - you have no problem, however serious, that a drink could not make worse.

MoominMags Fri 25-Jun-10 13:13:52

Thanks for the messages. Looking forward to the meeting as they are the only places I feel 'safe' at the moment. Everything else is really scary... Should get on with some work now instead of moping about feeling sorry for myself. Thanks all!

jesuswhatnext Fri 25-Jun-10 21:59:46

so sorry moomin! - i have been busy all day, this is my first chance to log on.

how was your meeting?, i do hope it helped to lift your mood, i understand totally what you mean by feeling safe there - as soon as i walk into the room, i feel a kind of peace, its also really nice that i am making what i know are real friends there, kind, understanding people who don't judge, just care smile

i have had a lovely day, we have been in the garden all afternoon, my cakes were better than i could have hoped for AND I DID NOT DRINK! my best friend, bless her, did not drink either, its her way of supporting me grin

tommorow, it has been decided that we are all going shopping for the day, lunch out and a bit of a spend up, sounds good to me grin

heading for the 4 week mark now, dd is happier, dh actually looks a few years younger, im sure that not coming home to chaos is having a huge impact on the family, its friday night and dd and bf are here!, just enjoying the evening - i cant tell you all how nice it is!

jesuswhatnext Sat 26-Jun-10 09:05:39

good morning, am all ready for my day of shopping with the girls, quite excited, dh is a useless shopper and no help at all and if i go with dd it just ends up with me buying her stuff, typical teenager i suppose.

anyway, today I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

i think it helps that it is so hot, even i used to cut down in the heat, made me feel sick very quickly, am trying to remember that feeling so i am not tempted today.

hope everyone has a good day, i do hope moomin is ok today, i wish you would come back, i have worried about you all night!

see you later smile

jesuswhatnext Sat 26-Jun-10 19:19:42

hi, had a fairly nice day, got too hot, really fancied a drink, i didin't have one though, i have had a headache all afternoon and feel a bit shitty - i am also a bit [shocked] at a friend of mine, i am now finding that the longer i am sober, the more fucking annoying she is - she has been on at me all day to have a drink and i feel worn down by her, she is the only person, so far, who has not been encouraging/supportive. i think it will be a long time before i see her again, i could tell my other friends were getting a bit pissed off with her aswell, we were out for a nice day of shopping and all she did was whine to go to the pub, i just feel drained by her i guess.

so, i now have a nice long tonic water and lime and am off to sit in the garden for a bit.

MelvynMummy Sat 26-Jun-10 21:53:01

Well I have had half a glass of wine!!
But only half and not having anymore.

It was our school gala today which I have organised as I am Chair on the PTA and we have a drinks raffle. Buy a raffle ticket and win a drink. Everyone is a winner...thats because we are not actually allowed to 'sell' booze.

Was given a glass of wine of which I sipped half of very slowly!!

Not bothered really as just took it 'cos'!

Could have left it but it was a sort of 'aren't we the best PTA in the world' celebratory drink.

Anyway...long story short... I am not an alcoholic. I just liked to drink a lot.

Not had a drink for 2 weeks until today an you know what, it hasnt bothered me one little bit!!! Yipee!!!

Am not bragging so please don't flame me, but am in control and feelin good.

MIFLAW Sun 27-Jun-10 01:28:10

JWN

She sounds like she could be one of us too ...

Melvyn's

Fantastic news to hear you are in control.

jesuswhatnext Sun 27-Jun-10 12:04:02

melvyn, i am a bit envy that you are in control, i wish i could just put the drink down but hey ho, thats life!

miflaw - i think you may be right, i was thinking about it last night and i cant remember the last time i was in her company without her getting drunk.

today i am doing nothing, zero, nada, just going to sit in the garden and enjoy the day, got the sunday papers, a cold raspberry and apple juice and all is well with the world grin

see you later

jesuswhatnext Sun 27-Jun-10 19:15:43

was just thinking, it is 4 weeks today snice my meltdown moment - what a differance, we have spent the day chatting, reading, dh watched the football (oops) and i am just about to start dinner smile

better do some baking later for AA tommorow grin

the last 4 weeks have been truly momentous for me and i would like to thank everyone on here who has supported me from the bottom of my heart, life is getting better everyday, we are coming back together as a family, my house feels like a home again, my job is looking up (just had e-mail, have landed a nice little contract, not huge but a foot in the door!)

i will carry on using this thread, if i may, all contributions gratefully accepted grin i have found it incredibly useful the last few weeks.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

see you later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i <heart> JWN!

Well done love!! 4 whole weeks.... Look at how far you've come!

Proud to 'know' you!

want2dobetter Sun 27-Jun-10 22:25:10

why?

want2dobetter Sun 27-Jun-10 22:27:55

sorry that message was to mumsnet - not quite got my head round this computer malarky?!!

Slickbird Sun 27-Jun-10 22:43:18

JWN - I have read the first and last page of this thread so I'm guessing I've missed a lot, but just wanted to say well done to you for admitting the problem in the first place and how fantastic your DH is to have stuck by you and I'm so pleased for you that he did. I'm glad things are working out for you and I really hope that it doesn't make you think, "Oh, I've done so well, I can just have one". You can't. But one day, you might get through a day and realise that you haven't thought about it at all and it really will get easier from there. I think you should give that 'friend' who nagged you to have a drink a wide berth. That's no friend.

Good luck.

MoominMags Mon 28-Jun-10 09:14:10

Good morning all, JWN you are doing so well! You are really inspiring me! (I totally agree with MIFLAW by the way re your friend. I find that when I am off the booze the people that are not supportive are the people who have alcohol issues themselves.) I have managed to not pick up this weekend and have been to plenty of meetings. I have realised - with some nudging from AA friends! - that I am not going to enough meetings so my aim now is to go to 5 a week! Sounds exhausting to lazy old me but I know it's the only way...
Here's to a great week for us all!
x

jesuswhatnext Mon 28-Jun-10 11:14:53

hi moomin, nice to hear from you grin glad you had a good weekend. i am not going to make to AA today as i have to be in the office, i will be going tomorrow though. today is my 4 week mark grin i feel bloody marvelous grin

see you later

MelvynMummy Mon 28-Jun-10 11:35:51

It's great to see how far you have come JWN. 4 weeks is 1/13th of a year!! You really motivated me to give up the pop and I am so grateful as I too feel that my life has changed and that of my family.

Go girl!

InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan Mon 28-Jun-10 12:26:01

Have been lurking since the beginning, and just wanted to say "Well done you,you have been brilliant, and keep it up! "

jesuswhatnext Mon 28-Jun-10 15:09:09

just having a quick break, i have yoga this evening and then i think we will fire up the bbq, it looks like being another lovley evening smile

thanks for the encouraging comments.

AllarmBells Mon 28-Jun-10 15:35:42

Hi JWN
another lurker here, wanted to add to the chorus of WELL DONE!!!

Something you said struck a chord with me
"i hope that one day the smell of booze will be just as revolting to me as the stink of fags!"

In drink terms I am a lightweight, used to drink quite a bit as a student but when I got to around 27 the hangovers started to get really fierce. I'm now 41 and can only drink a glass or so of sparkling wine, or a very long drink with a small bit of vodka. If I'm offered anything outside that I can smell the hangover - the thumping head, paranoid thoughts, sick stomach. I think I'm probably slightly allergic to it now (my mum is too). Going past a pub with the beery smell brings on the same thing.

Just wanted to share that, it is possible to be physically revolted by alcohol!

MIFLAW Mon 28-Jun-10 16:58:32

I find it very physically unpleasant these days even to use alcohol-based mouthwash (Dentyl pH all the way!)

jesuswhatnext Mon 28-Jun-10 19:07:05

have just got back from yoga, i absolutly love it grin i wish i had started years ago, in the few sessions i have been to, i can really feel my body beginning to loosen up, (it also helps that i have lost a few lbs!)

dh has asked if i would like to go out for dinner, what a daft question! burnt offerings from the bbq or a lovley meal cooked by someone else - nitwit! he need'nt ask me twice grin

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING THOUGH!!

btw - never knew mouthwash contained alcohol shock perhaps im a bit dim? blush

jesuswhatnext Mon 28-Jun-10 23:13:04

am just back from dinner, had a lovely walk to nice restaurant - i have had

seared scallops with pancetta

sirloin steak, rare!! mmmmmm

ice cream

homemade petit fours, even more mmmmmmmmmmmm grin

am full up, tired, happy, and SOBER smile

its so bloody hot i don't want to go to bed yet but my eyes are drooping, so,

goodnight everyone.

MIFLAW Tue 29-Jun-10 00:32:54

No, I mainly found out from a 60yo American newcomer I met in my early days. He used to tell the story of how his old boss thought he was drinking at work and gargling Listerine to hide the smell.

In fact, he was just drinking the Listerine ...

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 09:33:02

Morning all, JWN your meal last night sounds delicious! It's making me hungry now... How long until lunch??!
MIFLAW the story about the Listerine made me laugh! God, the insanity of it all...
I am doing OK and getting to plenty of meetings - as advised by the people that know best.
Have a good day everyone!

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 10:39:42

good morning, a bit on the drag today, if it could go wrong it has! the kettle has broken and the iron blew up angry, so a trip to comet or somewhere equally boring is now called for.

i am working all day today but will sneak out for meeting at lunchtime - i haven't been since last thursday and feel a need to go today. i don't want a drink, i just need to get that 'grounded' feeling i get at AA.

you sound a bit brighter today moomin smile

see you later

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 10:53:47

Hi JWN, yes feeling a bit better - funny that! What a pain re your kettle & iron. Grr.
Get yourself to a meeting you will defo feel better for it. I am off to another tonight, went to a good one last night too!
Go us!

galaxydunkedincoffee Tue 29-Jun-10 12:11:50

JWN - have spent the last hour reading through this thread and it is truly inspiring. You have done fantastically well and the support on this thread really is MN at its best

Have namechanged for this and sorry for the hijack, but does anyone with experience know of any websites etc about 'defining' an alcoholic (for want of a better word)? Dh drinks every day, often it is just a couple of glasses of red wine or a couple of beers, very occasionally it is a lot more (enough to pass out on the sofa). He doesn't get violent or angry when drunk but it is starting to worry me that it seems like he can't go for a day without a drink. I have spoken to him about it, saying that I think he is drinking too much and that maybe he should look at his drinking habits but he doesn't really say anything / respond (basically just ignores what I have said). I'm just confused because of course he has a right to have a drink and maybe I am being too controlling? paranoid? to ask him to think about cutting down on the alcohol but I just wish that alcohol could just be something to be enjoyed now and then and not in excess.

Again, sorry for hijacking your thread JWN, but there is so much good advice and support on this thread from people with experience and this is something that has been weighing more and more on my mind. I just don't know where to start.

differentnameforthis Tue 29-Jun-10 12:44:37

Well Done for getting to 4 weeks!

MIFLAW Tue 29-Jun-10 12:45:33

Galaxy

Obviously there is the AA website but it has two problems in my view.

First, a lot of people perceive them as "over-diagnosing." In other words, the test they suggest classifies a lot of people as potential problem drinkers. This comes from a laudable aim - better to include too many than to miss someone who really IS in need of help - but it does make the test quite easy to dismiss if you are in denial.

The other problem, of course, is that most people don't (or won't) visit Alcoholics anonymous unless they already think they have a problem.

A couple of rule of thumb tests that might help:

If your drinking costs more than money - think!

If you drink, and bad things happen, yet you nevertheless drink again, perhaps it is time to assess why.

Does your husband tend to put drink above things that rationally should matter more? E.g. does he cock things up around you and your children because he has drunk? Has he ever endangered you because of drink? When you ask him not to drink on a particular occasion does he do it all the same, thus putting drink before your feelings? And so on.

Lastly, a big clue is always in the answer to the question, "why do you drink so/too much?" If the answers are all negatives or not straight answers, e.g. "I don't drink as much as Jim"; "why shouldn't I drink so much?"; "what's it to do with you?"; "it's my money, I'll do what I like" instead of a straightforward answer to the question asked, e.g. "I like it" then that is in itself often a good indicator that he drinks too much for him because he feels the need to defend it.

If he asks what my qualifications are for saying all this, just say to him, "MIFLAW says you can't kid a kidder." He'll know what I mean.

Hope this helps.

galaxydunkedincoffee Tue 29-Jun-10 14:36:44

MIFLAW

Thank you.

I did have a look at the AA website but couldn't find anything along the lines of pointers that someone in your family may or may not have a problem.

He once dropped ds when drunk (thankfully not from very high) and he once left a gas ring on (with the flame still burning so at least it wasn't just gas) but aside from that he has not endangered any of us. Once he has more than a few drinks I don't let him do any of the childcare / household things because I don't trust him when tipsy / drunk blush.

There have been a few occasions when he has drunk to the point of passing out even when I have asked him not to drink too much (e.g. every New Year's, one time passing out at a friend's flat so I had to travel home on the train with a toddler and a baby at 1am by myself - I now refuse to go to any friend's places for NYE).

I'll ask him the last question and see if he responds / what he says.

Thanks again and sorry to JWN for the hijack.

MIFLAW Tue 29-Jun-10 14:42:55

Sounds to me like you already know the answer to your question.

Notice, too, how the abnormal becomes normal. "Aside from that ..." What, aside from dropping a child on the floor and potentially gassing you (gas rings can blow out if unattended, you know) or burning your house down?

You make a valid point though - how much more would his behaviour when drunk have an impact on you if you didn't protect him from himself and he was called on to do what everyone else does?

Here's the test I was thinking of, FWIW; several versions exist but they are all along the same lines and interchangeable.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomer/isaa4u.shtml

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 14:48:41

don't apologise, no hijack going on in my book smile

i hope miflaw has given you some help.

i am just back from meeting, a guy shared, cried, it was very moving sad

ladylush Tue 29-Jun-10 14:56:21

Have been lurking for a while - just wanted to say well done jwn. You're doing brilliantly smile

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 15:12:08

JWN is a big inspiration to me too at this point.
I spent pretty much the whole of the meeting last Friday in tears JWN! I think that sometimes it's the relief of being in the company of people who know exactly how I feel. I didn't feel bad or embarrassed by it as I have been at meetings where others have cried and it's just not a problem.

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 15:34:37

i did that awful gluping crying the other day when i was asked to share, i haven't done that for YEARS sad, strangly, i think it did me good.

i don't know if this is anyone elses experience but i often feel very guilty when i hear other peoples stories, some have had such dreadful lives, beaten, abused, orphaned, whatever - my drinking problem is self inflicted - i had a lovely childhood, all the mistakes of my adult life have been my own making and i hate to admit it sad

i don't know about being an inspiration, but you lot have helped me enourmously. grin

venusandmars Tue 29-Jun-10 15:36:36

I have not read to the end of this yet, but I am finding it encouraging. This is my 3rd day without a drink (so far).

Tonight dp will be out and I would normally have a lot to drink. I have got some alternatives - cold elderflower and grape juice in the fridge, and herbal teas.

I hope I can stay as motivated as you all sound.

noddyholder Tue 29-Jun-10 15:45:57

I would say to those 'moderating' that if you really think you have a problem with drinking this is probably the hardest way to do it believe it or not.My dp used to always have rules 2 drinks in the week 4 at weekends and not a so=ingle one more!This was really just his way of hanging on to some alcohol rather than admit he needed to stop altogether.Social drinkers don't have these rules.My dp said he always knew if he went out drinking he wold end up smashed and couldn't believe that i could sometimes have 1 or 3 or none but had no idea really which seemed odd to him.Every time he moderated it failed eventually and sent him back further. Listen to MIFLAW she says it well.And JWN you are doing well and you don't need to have a horrific childhood to find you are self medicating with alcohol it can come from anywhere x

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 15:46:55

JWN - I know what you mean about having lovely childhood, good education - basically all the breaks. That's me to a tee too (if that makes sense!) There are plenty of people who suffered horrific starts to their lives or terrible events during it and they are not alcoholics. Just as there as those like me (and you I think from what you said) that had good starts that are! It makes no bloody sense but it is what it is!

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 15:50:16

Oh and venusandmars, well done on 3 days! We are similar as I am on 6 days! I have done months previously so it can be done!
Are you looking to totally give up? Are you doing it yourself or with AA or other?
Keep coming back!

MIFLAW Tue 29-Jun-10 15:52:18

JWN

They say the worst story you ever hear in AA is your own - because it actually happened to you.

MIFLAW the token man

MIFLAW Tue 29-Jun-10 15:52:50

Well done Venus - you've done the tough part!

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 15:58:52

MIFLAW - it's always good to have the male point of view! Altough weirdly enough most of my AA friends are male. Not sure why! So I have found it useful to be a part of JWN's thread for the female side of things. I suppose though, a drunk's a drunk!

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 16:01:05

venus - well done!!!!

if you feel a wobble coming on this evening, how about having a long soak, doing your nails etc - i will be back later to chat if you like

moomin - i know what you mean, i had quite a priviledged childhood, i now have what can only be described as a comfortable middle class life, all the previous shit was all down to me, my crap choices (particuarly in men blush ) have been the bane of my life - i am a 'leap in without thinking' person, in many ways, very immature. i know that i am very demanding and can be an absolute nightmare to live with sad using the 12 steps will help me to grow up i hope!

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 16:03:30

and miflaw - i am not rushing into 'do' them, i was thinking about perhaps asking someone to sponsor me when i get to about 4 months sobriety. grin

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 16:03:39

JWN, I hope that the 12 Steps will help me too. It's not attractive to be acting like a spoilt brat when I am, in fact, in my 30's!

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 16:10:47

actually moomin, i prefer to describe myself as being a princess grin

MoominMags Tue 29-Jun-10 16:17:57

Quite right too, ha ha!

venusandmars Tue 29-Jun-10 17:35:26

Thanks for your messages. Yes moomin, looking to give up totally (at least for today).

Like others on here I have a good and fortunate life that I am putting at great risk. I have been drinking more and more. I am self-employed and have even been enjoying my own little "lunch-break".

My energy levels feel at rock bottom. I really hope that a few more days without alcohol will see me starting to be as enthusiastic as JWN.

venusandmars Tue 29-Jun-10 18:36:09

I have now prepared dinner, without a glass of wine to accompany me - that feels like a small achievement.

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 19:32:28

venus - the first 2 weeks were exhausting - i felt tired all the time, absolutly bone weary - the good news is that it gets better, i have loads more energy even after only 4 weeks than i have had in years smile i used to get in from work, very often still pissed from lunchtime, open another bottle, make a bit of dinner and that would be it blush i would then be a drunken old dollop on the sofa until bedtime , it makes me feel quite ashamed to admit it sad

just do it a day at a time, i know that sounds a very well worn phrase, but, so far, ime, it works.

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 19:34:24

on a totally vain and shallow note, give it a week and if you are anything like me, the visual effects of giving up the booze are really worth it! grin

venusandmars Tue 29-Jun-10 21:34:24

Thanks JWN - I sometimes think I look not bad, but that is usually late in the evening, and funnily the more wine I drink, the better I look. Until the next morning.

My dp has gone out and I sitting with a mug of herbal tea and a chocolate digestive. It's quite a temptation to have something else but taking aleaf out of your book JWN:

TODAY IT IS MY INTENTION NOT TO DRINK.

MelvynMummy Tue 29-Jun-10 22:03:26

Well done Venus.

You look good because of the beer goggles no doubt.

I have stopped drinking too(had half a glass of red on saturday) and 17 days later I am 7lbs lighter and my mum said today that my face has changed.

I don't snap at the kids in the morning (as much) and feel so much brighter and better.

Herbal tea isnt that bad really. It doesnt 'hit the spot' like the booze does,but neither does it affect your liver, or make you bloated and puffy eyed.

You keep at it. This is a great thread wth some good advice. If you have a blip com and tell us. No-one will judge you on this particular thread.

jesuswhatnext Tue 29-Jun-10 22:31:25

well, been a good day, got quite a lot done, just done my nails and a bit of a facial, very refreshing this evening, its really muggy here.

venus hope your evening is going ok? i use the caps to kind of reinforce in my brain that I AM NOT DRINKING EITHER! grin melvyn is right, no judgy pants here grin, been too drunk for too long to cast stones at other people! i had no real idea when i started this thread of the way it would help/grow etc, its amazing smile

venus, are you going to AA?, just a question, not a recommendation, its for you to decide if you want to go, just have a quick look back though at the links that miflaw has left, i have found the passages quite helpful.

i am not keen on herbal tea, however, my friend gave me some starwberry infusion bags the other day, they are quite nice, tescos own i think.

well done melvyn - 7lbs is great isn't it grin

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 09:18:06

Good morning all. I hope that your evening remained successful for you venus. (Every day without a drink is a successful one!) Although I am only 7 days sober currently I did recently have 10 months behind me and on a shallow note I lost 2 stones, skin was amazing and my face was no longer bloated. (I think it's nice to know these things!)
To reiterate what Melvyn said - if you slip, come back, no judgements.
Have you thought about AA venus? As JWN said, it's your choice, just wondered. I have been to 5 meetings over 7 days and it has helped enormously. But each to their own.
Here's to another successful, ALCOHOL FREE day!

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 09:57:15

The beauty of being an ex-piss artist is that you can drink what you like, be it herbal tea or triple-shot lattes with a cola chaser, and it STILL won't be as bad for you as what you were drinking before. Especially in early days, don't feel the need to be virtuous - just do whatever it takes to stay away from alcohol (and other mind-altering drugs if that's been your bag). Yes, too much caffeine will dry oyu out and too much Vimto will make you fat - but that can be sorted later. The advice I was given, which still seems very sensible, is "solve these problems in the order in which they are killing you."

V wise, JWN, to wait before "doing" the steps formally - although don't overlook the informal groundwork you are already doing. Every time you attend a meeting, you are working Steps 1, 2 and 3. Every time you share honestly at a meeting, you are doing a little bit towards your 4 and 5 and potentially 10. Every time you say the Serenity Prayer, it is a tiny contribution to Steps 6 and 7 (and maybe 11). Each day you do not drink it is a partial amend to those around you (8 and 9). And every time you give up 5 minutes at the end of the meeting to talk to the (even newer) newcomer who is still afraid and rattling, or even give her half a cup of tea (so she doesn't spill it down her front with shaking hands) you are making a start on step 12. And my personal view is that working the Steps is far more important than simply "doing" them. Stick at what you're doing, because you're doing well.

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 10:06:21

Agree with MIFLAW. I drink huge amounts of Diet Coke now - I don't care though, it doesn't make me act crazy! The other thing I have found is that I have a newly developed sweet tooth - cake, chocolate, biscuits! All good - and I still lost weight. Just shows the amount of weight drink piles on you. Obviously the weight loss is a happy side effect of not drinking but it feels good too! One of the (many) things I got from AA in the early days is, be kind to yourself. And if that means some nice cake then I am all for it!

venusandmars Wed 30-Jun-10 10:19:37

I don't drink much coffee becuase it stops me from sleeping well (ha! as if my sleep patterns have been normal!), and I'm not really into sweet drinks. The elderflower and grape with no added sugar was a bit too sweet so I am experimenting with things that are more refreshing.

I slept for a long time last night - no waking at 5am feeling rotten and guilty, but I have a very dull head this morning.

So now I'm embarking on day 4. My dd's boyfriend has just arrived to talk about his career and I think my dp is coming home from work at lunchtime. All helps to keep me occupied.

And today, like others on here, it is my intention mot to drink.

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 10:21:22

Venus - I didn't mean it was compulsory!

Just, you know, if that's your thing, then let yourself go for now.

Similarly, don't worry about ODing on elderflower. grin

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 10:23:47

venus, great to hear from you. You will feel rotten for a few days and then you will feel fantastic! I am the same as you at the moment, can't sleep, tired, just generally yuck. It will get better though, I know it will because it did for me and you can see how well JWN is doing. (Why, oh why did I go back to it?!)
What about soda water with lime? Or is that too sweet?

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 10:54:54

morning all! feeling good today, lovely to see venus is around and moomin too grin

i may get to meeting today, just need to see how the mornings work pans out.

venus - i find slimline tonic with ice and lime is really refreshing and not too sweet, i also had a headache for what seemed like weeks, it has gone now and generally im sleeping like a baby. i have got a dress on today that i couldn't wear last summer as i looked to fat in it (bloated, pudgy, and just not nice) i have now lost 8lbs and feel quite glam - i have always tried to look after my presentation, now i feel like my heart is really in it iyswim?

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY grin

ps, you sound brighter with every post moomin smile

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 11:03:54

Hi JWN, yes am so much brighter than this time last week! I am just feeling really positive. Not only do I have all my AA friends from the past 13 months but I now have the support from all you guys on this thread too - thank you for starting it!

galaxydunkedincoffee Wed 30-Jun-10 12:13:06

Wow - you are all doing really well and you do sound bubbly and positive in your posts

MIFLAW - just to quickly update, I asked dh last night and he immediately replied 'I don't drink that much' (if you hadn't pointed out the negative response as a defence mechanism I would never have picked up on it so thank you). Anyway, I just wanted to update you and don't want to take over this thread anymore so have started a new thread

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 15:10:38

hi everyone - please may i just have a little winge? - i have been to meeting, got all grounded etc. come back to office and my df calls, how am i?, 'fine, have got to the 4 week mark, doing really well' says me 'oh jolly good darling, mum and i are off on a wine-tasting weekend in france, we just decieded over lunch, can you feed the cats?' then he fucking hiccupped!!! angry

grrrr, i love them dearly, but they honestly have no fucking idea, i am trying so bloody hard whine whine whine grin, feel better just for gatting that out! and yes, i will feed the bloody cats.

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 15:11:41

'getting' doh!

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 15:16:11

Hi JWN, no worries about moaning! I find it worse when my parents act like alcohol cannot be even be spoken of in my presence! In case I immediately head off for a binge or something. I would prefer them to be normal. On the other hand that might annoy me too. They can't win, can they?!

At least we can let off steam here and in meetings!!

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 15:23:45

i know moomin, my dad is lovely but he is 'old school', thinks alkies are down and outs, cant understand that gay men are not interested in small boys and that you don't have to dress like a docker to be a lesbian shock (yes, he can be VERY hard work!) thank god my mum is a bit more informed! (mind you, she can do a good line in nagging and unhelpfulness sad )

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 15:29:08

Ah JWN these things are so tricky aren't they?

Luckily my parents are very aware that I am an alky (not that I thought it was lucky when I was still in denial!) so much so that they have both (along with my husband) attended 'open' meetings at various times so they have an understanding that 'we' are just as 'normal' as the next person - except when it comes to the demon booze! (My parents both love a drink but they are not alkies and they have been totally put off it at the moment anyway...) I take it it would be unlikely for your parents to do that? (Or would you even want them to?!)

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 15:33:11

At one stage I got to six months sober and drank again (don't worry, that's not obligatory!) Anyway, I got straight back into AA and was soon back on the right track.

A colleague from work who knew I was a piss artist invited me to a party. I was very pleased to be there, we were (and still are) good mates, but I confided to her that I felt a bit "antsy" around all these drinkers. She completely understood, she said (she had been an addict herself in her youth.)

Literally minutes later someone needed the gate opening for them and she thrust her large glass of red vino collapso into my hand to look after while she went to sort it out!

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 16:22:04

Well, another work day is almost over... Not going to a meeting tonight. Instead we are having a family conference with me, my husband, my parents and father-in-law... all about me! And how to avoid any further horror-binges. Argh! I know that it's lovely that they all want to support me and all that but I think I would be better off a meeting! I will end up crying too. Yuck.

Hope everyone has a good evening. Might be able to catch up after the horror event!

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 16:38:42

ohh moomin, that sounds a bit full-on shock

you poor thing!!! i too think its great that they all want to help, but i also think it is a bit much to kind of put you in the naughty chair, perhaps they need a gentle reminder that you are and ADULT who happens to be an alcoholic.

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 16:40:37

i think they also need to understand that they CANNOT stop you drinking, just cos they say stop.

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 16:41:27

if it was that easy, everyone would do it!

MoominMags Wed 30-Jun-10 16:50:31

I know! Their hearts are in the right place and I think it's a case of my parents also wanting to support my husband who does not have a clue what to do when I decide to go off on one! Am sure I will not be on the naughty chair as such but I know I will resort to being a stroppy teenager! Argh. I will just have to take deep breaths and remind myself 'this too shall pass', ha ha!

Thanks for your support again!

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 17:15:00

moomin - can you remember how to roll your eyes, curl your lip and mutter 'wotevvvar' grin, if not, i will get dd to give you a masterclass before you meet everyone grin

venusandmars Wed 30-Jun-10 17:58:08

Oh moomin, I would hate that - everyone making me the centre of attention and talking about my problem. I will keep that vision to help me when I feel tempted to have a drink.

I am in a different situation in that I have not told anyone about the extent of my problem. I see what has been written previously and maybe some people have guessed, but I'd be pretty sure my parents don't know. Should I be telling them? They are in their 80's and would be so worried.

I am not sure about going to AA. I am a bit agorophobic and I find it difficult to go out to unfamiliar places. I have looked at the website and there are a couple of meetings each week not far from me, and then some more quite a few miles away. I will need to think about it and work out how I can manage myself to get there.

Hope you all have a good evening. It is helping me to post on here. Thanks.

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 18:02:39

You may find, once the initial discomfort is over, that attendance at AA meetings actually helps with your agoraphobia.

Straight question - are you not prone to agoraphobia in the places where you buy your drink?

venusandmars Wed 30-Jun-10 18:03:07

And maybe someone call help me with regards to the difference between a Big Book meeting and a Step Meeting?

I've seen MIFLAW's advice on not starting on the steps too soon, and I'd hate to go to the wrong meeting.

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 18:03:52

Venus

Where are you based?

you do know that if you phone AA someone can come to your house if you want them to and/or accompany you to a meeting?

If you're in SE London I'll take you myself if you like.

MIFLAW Wed 30-Jun-10 18:10:26

You don't start the steps by going to a step meeting, any more than you get married by going to the bridal shop. Go to any meeting you like. The main thing is that there are a few friendly regulars there. In fact, some step meetings will go back to step 1 if they know a newcomer is present. The only problem with attending a step meeting is if it is your first and they are on, say, step 10, then it can all sound a bit unreal and irrelevant to the newcomer.

Basically, in a step meeting, we study one of the 12 steps (normally worked through in order, often with 2 weeks on step 12). In big book meetings we look at a passage from the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Most meetings are neither step nor big book, anyway - they are just "ordinary".

venusandmars Wed 30-Jun-10 19:55:15

Thanks MIFLAW. Yes I also imagine that my agorophobic tendancies may improve without alcohol, I don't know if an AA meeting would help because I don't know enough about them.

You asked "are you not prone to agoraphobia in the places where you buy your drink?"

Yes I am. I have almost never gone out just to go to the shops. I would always plan a trip to the shops on my way home from work (once I was already out of the house) and would buy enough drink to last me until the next time I had to be out for a work meeting. That is what I was thinking when I wrote that I would need to work out how I could manage to get myself there. I think that if I can co-ordinate a meeting with a work appointment, then it would not be so bad.

Thank you for your lovely offer - I wish I lived in London and I would call on you for help. Unfortunately I live far away in Scotland and I guess that would be a long trip out for you smile.

I am off to make a banana cake now, and then to investigate the times and locations of all the nearby meetings to see what I can work out.

jesuswhatnext Wed 30-Jun-10 22:47:47

hi, been a bit of a mixed bag this evening - we all seem to have got on each others nerves a bit and a fair amount of bickering has gone on - tbh, i think it fairly normal sort of family quarreling iyswim - 3 adults living together is always a going to cause tension at times, mainly it seems, because we treat dd 'like a teenager and its not fair' wink

venus - you sound a bit down my love? keep on posting - as to telling your parents, only you can make that call, all i would say is - are they able to help? are they frail? would telling them make a differance to your recovery? is there a chance that they know anyway and are worried about you?

if telling them would make a huge differance to you, and they could cope with it, then tell them - if not, i think i would be inclined not to say anything.

please give real consideration to going to a meeting, i thank my lucky stars everyday that i made that initial contact - EVERYONE i have met at aa so far has been kindness itself - mention your agrophobia, i am willing to bet that someone will bend over backwards to help you.

miflaw - i didn't know there were differant types of meetings, i think i must go to a 'normal' one grin

hope moomins evening has not been to gruelling?

tomorrow i am off to see a friend of mine who has just had a baby girl - i intend to have a cuddle smile (with the baby i mean!)

then into the office and during the afternoon i am toying with the idea of joining the libary, i fancy having a browse at some new books. i am also going to book a pedicure (using this weeks booze money)

anyway I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY!

goodnight all, see you tommorow.

helpmenow Wed 30-Jun-10 22:49:59

I would be very surprised if your agoraphobia didn't improve dramatically if you made it to meetings. Note its called recovery, not abstinence in AA. How's the banana cake? Did you find where your local meetings are?

helpmenow Wed 30-Jun-10 22:51:50

Xposted with JWN. Well done on another sober day, your posts are inspirational. How is Moomin?

JamieJay Wed 30-Jun-10 22:53:16

jesuswhatnext I've not had any involvement in your thread or any experience of alcoholism but just wanted to say that I've been looking in on your thread fairly regularly and think you should be really proud of what you've done.

I really hope that doesn't come across as patronising or condescending just wanted to say how fab you're doing smile

would like to second jamiejay I pop in from time to time, and am delighted every time that you are still here and still sober - such a great achievement

TheNextMrsDepp Wed 30-Jun-10 22:57:51

I second that JamieJay. I regularly pop in to read a little of this thread, and I'm so impressed by how far you've come - all of you.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 09:18:36

Morning all! The family get together went well last night. Was far less horrific than I had thought. Basically everyone wants to help me and help my husband. (We've not been married that long and although we are both in our 30's he is quite naive and as a master-manipulator (alcoholic!) I am able to get round him.)

JWN - sorry you had an evening of bickering but like you say it's so normal. I go to the library all the time, I love it! I am going this lunchtime in fact. What kind of books do you like?

venus - how are you doing? I really hope you can get the courage to go to a meeting, they are the best place for people like us. Don't worry about the 'type' of meeting, there are some I like and some I like less but I only know this through trying them all. All of them are helpful!

Here's to another good day for us all!

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 09:28:26

iiii thank you!! takes a bow!! grin

feeling really bright this morning - looking forward to meeting my friends baby, this is her 4th (total nutter grin) 3 girls and a boy, dear god, fancy going through the teenage years 3 times!, i say 3 as i bet boys are easier, ime they just grunt and smell - with girls is all angst, trantums, tears and wild screaming when they are all together grin (i suppose they do smell better than boys though)

i digress, moomin, hope you are ok today?, let us know!

venus - how are doing darling? - please come back and chat! miflaw is fantastic, his advice has helped me no end

i will be back a bit later, hopefully not smelling of baby sick grin xxxxxx

(i know xxx are not mumsnet style, but i really would kiss you all if met you!)

venusandmars Thu 01-Jul-10 09:29:47

Thanks all for your messages. Strangely it helps to hear that it is sometimes difficult for you too, it makes me feel better about my own struggle. And I am really encouraged to hear how well you are sticking to it.

I had a few wibbly moments yesterday evening but managed to get over them, so now I am on day 5 of being sober. It has been many, many months since that has happened.

Today I am going to a work meeting. It clashes with possible AA meeting, but I am planning to drive to the place where the meeting is held so that I can get usedd to the place.

PS. Banana ccake was lovely - could really enjoy the taste.

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 09:31:20

moomin - sorry, got to dash! so glad you are ok! you sound really bright today aswell smile must be something in the air!

be back to chat later x

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 09:32:33

WELL DONE VENUS!!!! grin

really must go now!

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 09:32:49

venus - that's a great idea to go and find the place and get comfortable with it. You can normally spot an AA meeting as there's a very varied group of people outside smoking!

Let us know how it goes.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 09:34:03

(I hope the smoking thing does now put you off!)

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 09:34:51

*NOT put you off.

MIFLAW Thu 01-Jul-10 13:00:57

Just to add, Venus, that if you live or work in a sizeable town (e.g. Edinburgh or Glasgow) there are often morning, lunchtime or "straight after work" meetings which, with a bit of planning, you can fit into a normal day.

Or you may even find there's one at the end of your street!

Sorry you can't take me up on my offer - but, just to reiterate, if you phone the helpline, someone more local (...) will come to you if you want them to.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 15:16:29

Hello, just wondering how everyone's day has gone?

JWN - did you have fun with your friend and baby?

venus - did you manage to scout out the meeting location?

I am good. Off to another meeting tonight! Looking forward to it, I missed not going last night. And to be honest anything has to be better than last night's family meeting, ha!

curryeater Thu 01-Jul-10 15:36:21

Hello
I have been following this thread for a while - inspired by all of you, especially JWN.
Well done!

Some of you came over to be nice to me on my late night curry sadness thread. Thank you for that.

I am not sure where I am at the moment, or what I am going to do next, but can I come here to chat please?
Hope you are all well.

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 15:43:26

hi moomin, back in the office now - yes, the baby is adorable smile you forget how tiny there are, she is only 15 days old and soo beautiful.

tbh i have not had chance to breathe today, let alone have a drink grin, keeping busy is a huge help to me - btw, i bet if we told a non-alkie that we actively looked forward to the meetings that they would think we were mad grin

i wont be going to a meeting today, but i will be going tommorow - i have to steal myself for a family get-together on saturday, my mil is an absolute nightmare, the only family member who has been totally unhelpful and actually downright bloody awful, she is a nasty old gossip and has taken great delight in telling as many people as she can. angry so far i have been able to ignore her, even though i felt like slapping her right in the mush grin i only put up with her because of dh (she is his stepmother but unfortunatly his df is gutless and NEVER stands up to her angry
anyway, i shall be with other relatives who have said that the only person she is making look bad is herself grin

so I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK TODAY!

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 15:48:23

hello curryeater!!!

of course you can join us for a chat smile i did read some of your thread but i did'nt feel qualified to comment iyswim - i have a feeling that your cock-up moment was more than similar to mine sad

anyway, how are doing?

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 15:55:35

Glad you had fun JWN! And I agree with what you said about the meetings - I was telling a friend that I was aiming for 5 a week at the moment and she asked me whether it was a cult, ha ha! (She was only joking though!) Thing is that I do really enjoy them - and if I am feeling wobbly I feel really 'safe'.

Hello curryeater! Welcome! (Not that it's my thread or anything...) How are you doing?

curryeater Thu 01-Jul-10 16:13:58

Hello
I have been drinking - no fights, no dramas at home, just too much drinking.
Parents to stay at weekend. They like to drink (reasonably) and I talked myself into it being fine to drink with them, inhospitable not to, etc. I stashed a bottle of wine in the bedroom both nights to have "a glass" with DP after saying good night to them because they stress me so much. (DP has a glass and goes to sleep, I finish the bottle, "reading".) Spent each day after with with a rampant hangover and having to be all energetic and sociable through it. Celebrated their departure with more drinking and went to work on Monday feeling like sticky chewing gum on a shoe. Went out on Tuesday night for leaving drinks - only the third time ever I have not been back from work for dd's bedtime, and one of those was when I got stuck on a train in the snow - and staggered back, drinking more wine on the train, in the place where I got takeaway, and woke up yesterday morning feeling worse than I can begin to describe. DD didn't want me to go to work, you could tell she remembered that I hadn't done her story the night before, I got up in time to have a few minutes to play with her but had to prise her off me and say good bye when she was crying sad sad sad and then I had left it so late I had to run for the train and was nearly sick.

Sick of the whole thing.
Day off tomorrow and (boozy) picnic planned. I will be taking the car, and a big bottle of fizzy water. there is always some reason to drink.

I am fat, tired and not really in control. I can manage one picnic on the fizzy water but what will I do after that, when my parents next come, next time something else happens?

Sorry this is so long, I don't really talk about this irl.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 16:19:34

Ah curryeater, it all seems so hard doesn't it? The best piece of advice I can give is to not drink 'one day at a time'. I go to AA meetings and one of the things we talk about is not 'projecting' - so in your case not worrying about the next time your parents are there, just concentrate on getting through the next 24 hours without alcohol. (Or the next hour if that's easier in the early day.)

Have you thought about AA?

Keep posting though. I really, really understand how you are feeling - a lot of us on this thread do.

Big hugs x

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 16:31:01

Curryeater - I hope you don't think I am being pushy about AA or anything, obviously I don't know much about your situation. Hope you don't take it the wrong way!

venusandmars Thu 01-Jul-10 16:31:54

Oh curry, I do feel for you. So much in your post is what I could write, drinking on the train, drinking in the bedroom after everyone had gone to sleep. There always seems to be some reason to drink!

Tbh I think that those of us who have a problem like this are incredibly inventive and clever. We can always find a reason to have a drink. We can always find a way of getting hold of a bottle of our favourite. We can usually always find a way to make sure that whilst it may look as though we are only keeping pace with other drinkers we always have access to a secret stash.

Like you I feel fat, tired and out of control, and I can manage one event on fizzy water.

However, since last Saturday I have not had a drink and I already feel less fat and tired. It has been a delight to wake in the morning and not have to worry about where I hid my empty bottles from the night before, or whether I topped the bottle up with water and will need to find an exact replacement before anyone else pours a glass from it. I find myself both horrified at what I have been doing, and bizzarely amused at my stupidity.

Whatever stage you are at in your journey please keep posting. I think that you will find on here other people who understand your feelings and your actions. I do not get the impression that they will excuse them, but they will not load you with guilt (you can probably do that well enough yourself).

Take care x

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 16:33:19

oh bless your heart curry smile it's a fucker isn't it?

i second everything moomin said, one day at a time! i too 'project' if i'm not careful, i was thinking about christmas the other day, how the hell do i get through it without a baileys! confused, so, i had to banish that thought straight away! all i can say is that with every passing day of sobriety it gets easier to just not drink.

i know what you mean when you say you feel fat, tired and not in control - i promise all those feeling improve if you can just get through the next few hours without a drink. i really do feel for you!

have a think about going to AA - it really is the best thing i could ever have done, it may just help you too smile

jesuswhatnext Thu 01-Jul-10 16:42:17

i agree venus - i can find any reason to drink - and i was ALWAYS at least 2 drinks on from everyone else blush i have also realised the danger i was putting myself in by being so pissed that i hardly knew what was going on around me at times, particuarly when i was on the last train out of london shock

i keep thinking of what a guy said to me a couple of weeks ago, sobriety should be enjoyed, not endured. looking back, i was enduring life when i was drinking, now i am really starting to enjoy life, the fog is lifting and the confusion is going.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 16:45:24

Honestly, I enjoy sobriety! As venus said waking up in the morning without that, 'Oh my God, what happened last night...' feeling is just a joy!

Agree with venus and JWN - always an excuse to drink: happy, sad, hitting sales targets, missing sales targets, it's sunny, it's raining ARGH! It's total insanity.

MIFLAW Thu 01-Jul-10 16:48:35

Curry

where are you based?

curryeater Thu 01-Jul-10 16:49:06

Thank you for all your kind words.
I thought about aa a long time ago, but then I got pregnant and stopped drinking. I seem to have got back there though.
Maybe I need to find a meeting that I can sneak out to on Thursdays when I work from home - otherwise I am always dashing to or from somewhere, there is no leeway in the working day really.

Also I am scared, and in denial, obviously, and don't want to go in case someone knows me locally, etc etc etc etc etc etc

Thanks everyone, I really mean it

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 16:50:21

venus - what you said about now finding yourself slightly amused by your actions when drinking suggests you would enjoy AA! Most of the time there is a LOT of laughter about the mad things we have done.

MIFLAW Thu 01-Jul-10 16:50:43

Just to add to the others ...

I can honestly say that the worst of my days as a sober person is better than the best of my days as a problem drinker. The difference is night and day, really it is. And, though I cannot say that I never think of a drink, I never want a drink and I certainly NEVER miss the inevitable consequences (for me) of having a drink.

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 16:56:13

Curry - if you see someone you know at a meeting there is nothing to worry about. They are there for the exact same reason as you. The Anonymous part of the name is taken very seriously. (Being a hypocrite here as I have only just started going to my local meeting in my small town for the same reasons! I was told that I was risking my life for my pride.)

curryeater Thu 01-Jul-10 16:58:44

I usually love to laugh at myself but I can't manage to find my tragic boozy behaviour funny! Once I stayed with my sister and confidently spent the evening thinking that once they had all gone to bed I'd help myself to a nip of whiskey because I was staying on the sofa bed downstairs. But there was a lock on the cabinet I didn't know about so I couldn't get at it. I was so fixated on drinking that I took a couple of bottles of ale and drank them in bed and then in the morning wrapped the empty bottles up in my PJs to take them back on the train with no clinking. That makes me cringe, not laugh.

MIFLAW, I live in South London and work in town

MoominMags Thu 01-Jul-10 17:00:12

There are LOADS of meetings in London, you are lucky that way...

noddyholder Thu 01-Jul-10 17:18:39

We were in south london when dp stopped drinking and going to AA there are lots of meetings there