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Does your husband 'eye up' other women when you're out together? Would it bother you?

17 replies

starsareshining · 26/05/2010 10:30

This hasn't actually happened to me yet (as far as I'm aware) but a phone conversation with my partner last night has left me feeling really annoyed. I was telling him about a man who watches me in the supermarket and how I find it really irritating and creepy. This happens every single week despite the fact that he's with his family. I'm not just talking occasional glances either, but full on open-mouthed gazing to the point where he's completely ignoring his family. I'm not some kind of irresistible goddess so can only assume that this is how he regularly behaves. It makes my skin crawl and I think it's really disrespectful to his wife.

I was telling him about all of this and he started telling me that the guy was doing nothing wrong. He said that 'creepy' is only an idea that has come about within the past 30 years and before then I probably would have found it flattering. I disagreed and he told me that men quite literally can't help themselves, partly due to psychological reasons and partly due to conditioning. I asked whether he would be unable to stop himself 'checking out' a woman even if I was with him and he said 'No, probably not'. This absolutely made my blood boil. It just seems so weak and pathetic. I don't walk around staring at men and don't lust after people I see walking down the street. Is that unusual?

He basically said that this guy is doing nothing wrong because his behaviour is not threatening and he's just looking at someone he finds attractive, which people should be allowed to do. I just want to do my shopping and not feel like I can't lean over the trolley because he's watching. I think that if your behaviour is making someone feel uncomfortable then it is definitely not OK. I haven't ever told him to stop but why should I have to do something really awkward like that when I just want to get on with my shopping in peace?? Surely he's been around people enough to know that this isn't generally considered OK. And he must be able to read my facial expressions as he's doing it. Whenever I look directly at him he looks away so he clearly doesn't think it's OK either!

I was just really, REALLY angry at what my partner said to me last night. And I definitely made the distinction between just looking at people and 'checking them out' (sorry if the phrase makes you cringe, didn't know how else to explain it). I'm not expecting people to walk around with their eyes closed and I can see whether people would generally be considered attractive or not, but I don't start eyeing them up in the street.

I know that most people think it's fine to look as long as you don't touch but I'm really not ok with it. I do have issues with the way my appearance and, at times, very low self-esteem which is probably why I feel this way. He says that I should 'deal with it'. I don't know whether he means that I should force him to stop or just kid myself into thinking that it's fine.

So, it'd be great if you could tell me that I'm right to think that way. He's much better at arguing things than I am so I'll never get anywhere on my own. Alternatively, tell me why I'm wrong and explain why I shouldn't feel bad about it. I was almost in tears over it last night. It just makes me feel inadequate.

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starsareshining · 26/05/2010 10:33

Also, I should just mention that I don't mean that any behaviour which makes people feel uncomfortable should be stopped. Some people clearly feel uncomfortable with very normal things (breastfeeding, for example) and it would be mad to expect people to stop that and spare their feelings. However, doing something which is making someone's skin crawl doesn't seem right. I supposed it's unwanted sexual attention. It does seem a bit extreme to call it that since the guy isn't walking around and grabbing me, but that's how it feels.

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