I am making a mess of my lif

[zedsdead]

My dh and I have been together for 10 years and have two young dc. My head is a complete mess at the moment.

First of all lets get the confession out of the way.I am in love with someone else. We haven't slept together and there is no real prospect of us forming a committed relationship; but he is an old friend and means a lot to me. Always has done. I would say that an emotional affair has been going on. I know I am in the wrong here, but I really need some advice as I've been making myself ill over it all lately.

Which is why I think I am struggling to trust my own instincts when it comes to dh.

Our marriage has been on rocky ground for a while now, but I don't think I love him at all.

Never miss him when we're apart

Don't want to go on holiday etc as the thought of spending all that time together depresses me

Imagining him with someone else doesn't bother me at all

The thought of growing old together - again depressing

Can't bring myself to get physically close at all at the moment.

I have been steadily detaching myself piece by piece to the point where I now feel like I'm simply playing a part. He's not stupid, he knows this and is trying super hard. I on the other hand have just built a huge wall around myself.

I have been giving more and more consideration to ending this marriage, but I have no spine and no conviction. I feel paralysed and numb.

My dh is the most dedicated 'family man' ever. He adores the dc and spending all of his time with them. Our family unit works well; but I feel like part of me is dead too. On paper we have so much in common and many common goals....am I kidding myself in believing that there should be some sort of spark?

All of that said there are other problems which haven't helped my feeling towards him. His anger has at times frightened both me and the dc; I often have this niggling worry in the back of my mind when I leave them with him, which makes me anxious that he will upset and emotionally damage the dc with an outburst.

Then I look at yesterday's scene of amazing family fun (led by dh) and wonder what the hell is wrong with me...

I genuinely don't know if I am hurting my dc more by staying with him, I am so confused. We 'function' well. We do nice things. We live in a nice place. I know I am being incredibly self-indulgent but can't help feeling like my life is being played out before me and slipping away

How the hell do I gain perspective on this situation?

I know my dh does not deserve to be deceived in any way which is why I need to make up my mind and take action instead of being stuck in this limbo.

[CheekyPinkSox]

You need to talk to him about how your feeling. hope your ok?

[zedsdead]

I know Cheeky but where do I start? He's acting like all is well and I am skirting around avoiding any sort of meaningful interaction.

Am okay thanks, just feel like I'm in a surreal dream and keep getting ill (stress I think).

[Lucy85]

If you have loved this other person, why did you not marry him years ago? I suspect because the feelings were not there then or are not mutual.
You are very very lucky to have a wonderful husband, children and life that you have. Don't throw it all away; - I can assure you that the reality of throwing all this away for a fantasy relationship with someone who is not interested (or would have suggested something years ago)is very different from the fantasy.

Perhaps distance from this other person would help and time (Holiday) with your family will also help. You're not really giving it a chance by distancing yourself - what more could he do to win you back over?

I undertand about the temper .. but nobody's perfect, and I suspect you are not either (nor am I). I think you need to talk to him about your concerns about your marriage, not about your friend to at least give your marriage a chance. As one who is looking over the brink into singledom at the moment it looks like a not very nice place!
I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If your H has a 'bad temper', did you marry him because you were scared of him?
If he's a 'devoted family man' in public, and you have a nice home/standard of living but both you and the DC have a constant anxious undercurrent of wondering what will trigger the next angry outburst then it's no surprise at all that you have developed feelings for someone else.

Because your DH isn't a lovely saint, he's abusive. A relationship CANNOT and MUSTN'T work when one partner is afraid of the other.

[cestlavielife]

i side with SGB - no one is perfect but there is a big difference between getting annoyed at specific things and expressing that view - and having a temper so great it leaves you and dcs scared .

record these outbursts - over what? how freuqently? justified eg child in danger you need to shout?

keep a record of these outburst for a week or so - see if they "nobody's perfect" type stuff with legitimate reason to be upset....or genuine scary walk on eggshells stuff...

[zedsdead]

Lucy - This other person and I never got together properly as we were a) very young and b)he was in a relationship back then

SGB - no I didn't marry him out of fear, but I never saw 'that side' back then.

I have posted about his anger issues (under different names) in the past.

Stress triggered by the dcs usual trigger for (rare) anger outbursts. Examples. Over the past couple of years

Has kicked holes into walls/doors in rage

Sworn horribly at the dc at times

I actually posted last week over what I thought might have been a kick to ds. (dh said it was an accident) and got very verbally abressive with me when I asked. Tbh I had started becoming paranoid that others were noticing his blatant moodiness at times.

Sounds awful written down. But then if you saw dh with them/us 90% of the time you would not see a more devoted parent and husband.

[Hassled]

Would you be able to go and see a Relate counsellor on your own? That might help.

The fact he's a great family man and usually a nice guy is irrelevant if you always have that knot of fear and tension that he might lose it - no wonder your feelings for him have gone. But you have to decide whether they're worth fighting for - possibly you could get them back, but you'd have to really really want to try. And you'd have to be reassured that he would take every step to control his temper - would he consider anger management classes? Can you talk to him about the temper thing?

[AnyFucker]

90% of non-abusive behaviour is nowhere near good enough

10% angry/frightening behaviour=good enough reason to end it

you don't even like him

end it...but not for some romantic dream of another man, but because you no longer love your husband and you are frightened of him

[zedsdead]

Thanks all. I have thought about relate.

If I'm honest I think I've talked myself around to the idea of splitting and am now finding it very difficult to give things a go. I've basically given up. He has not and is being ultra nice (well apart from last weeks tantrum).

[lisasimpson]

Do you worry what others would think if you gave up this seemingly great husband and father?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Your H sounds like a bullying wanker, TBH. A lot of abusers are nice about 90% of the time, because they know they only have to be scary 10% of the time for you to be obedient and submissive pretty much 100% of the time in case you trigger another outburst.
It sounds very much as though giving up on this relationship is the right thing to do. As for your old pal you sort of fancy, he's sort of irrelevant: what he is, is the trigger that has led you to understand that your H is a bully and you need to escape.

[zedsdead]

Lisa -yes, I guess that has crossed my mind.

SGB - I really don't feel 'obedient and submissive'. I do however feel that I will never quite trust that his temper is under his control.

[overmydeadbody]

Youe H doesn't sound like "the most dedicated family man ever".

[overmydeadbody]

If you have given up on the realtionship and want to leave, then do so.

You only have one life. No point spending it with someone who you don't want to be with and who scares you.

[sparkle10]

I was in the exact position you are in now, abusive husband that I only saw that side to him at the end, dead marriage, another man in the background. I did relate etc etc.

I left 4 months ago and the hardest thing about it was the fear of actually doing it. When it came down to it, it turned out to be not so bad at all.

So what if you don't end up with this man, life on your own without fear has got to be better than walking on eggshells and wondering what if.

Being single is not scary at all, in fact I'm absolutely loving it, if you get together with the love of your life all the better but if not you'll be fine anyway.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Zedsdead: SO you are, basically constantly afraid of this man. Because you are living in a state of constant uncertainty that you will say or do something wrong (or the DC will say or do something wrong) and Shithead will kick off, start shouting, smashing things and putting you all in immediate fear of violence.
This is no way to live. It really isn't. Why not do a little research into the practicalities of getting rid of him: whose name is the house in? what income do you have? (You will get benefits as a single parent and he will be obliged to pay maintenance. Also, if there is any record of his violent behaviour, you might be able to have him excluded from the family home even if he owns it). You don't have to act on the information, but having the information puts you in a position of increased strength.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Oh, god, ZD, you poor thing.

Threads like yours usually prompt me to deliver a few pointers designed to help you put your love back into your partner. But your OP contains very crucial information which, although less than one line, casts a whole different light on things. As I'm sure you know, it's this: "His anger has at times frightened both me and the dc; I often have this niggling worry in the back of my mind"

Sweetheart, you should always pay attention to the back of your mind. You know the truth, deep down; you're just trying not to look at it. Other Guy has no role to play in this (or, if he has, it's a part for later). I can understand how it's easier to think "If we were with Other Guy instead of Him, this would be so much better." In that respect, he's already done you a huge favour by showing you how different (=better) life might be.

The lesson you need to take, right now, is how your present partner makes things worse. Walking on eggshells, living in fear, second-guessing all the time, teaching your children to serve his moods ... That's how prisoners live, not free and independent people.

If your friend is a friend, he might assist you towards freedom. But don't trust him with your family and your safety; not yet anyway. Trust yourself. Trust the sensible voice in the back of your mind. Look for a really, 100% safe environment, because that's what you deserve and your children deserve.

Scratched record, OK, but what's to lose by calling Women's Aid?
They won't make you do anything you don't want to do - the point of your call is to get an informed perspective

If you can trust your family to be on your side, call them instead (or as well).

[AnyFucker]

good post, grace

[menopausemad]

Excellent post Grace.

ZD start with half an hours legal advice at the CAB. I do go on about them but they are brilliant.

Think about Relate - they can be very helpful in ending a relationship as amicably as possible and may be able to help husband (soon to be ex) to understand he needs to think about his anger and find better ways of managing it. This is vital so you can support your children having a good relationships with him (as far as poss with a man like this anyway - I am trying to give him the chance to change right now he is a wanker). But...there is always the possibility that he is unhappy too and this life, this mixture of pretend and apathy is contributing to his anger. See I am trying to be fair here without suggesting this is in anyway acceptable - no one should make their spouse feel scared.

You might not feel 'abused' but I am sure you can see the potential for abuse when you tell your husband he needs to move out. Relate might be able to help if he is open to counselling but do telephone WA as Grace suggested. They are the source of much advice as well as practical help that might make all the difference to the next few months.

Lastly you need to explain to at least one person in RL how you feel. Perhaps show them this thread? You need real support, without censure, for the next few months. Choose carefully. It might be family, it might be a friend. Personally I would advise against using the potential OM, but it is of course only you who really understands the situation.

All the best.

[zedsdead]

Wow. Thank you so much for these supportive posts.

I would say we have only seen this side to his temper a few times in the last year; as I said before - he is ordinarily completely wrapped up in us a family ( often to the point of being slightly suffocating and insular). I know he has major ishoos as he lost his mother reasonably young and his father all but rejected him and is pretty violent.

The thought of telling him makes me feel physically sick. What if I am projecting my frustration re OM on to dh and our relationship?? Like justification?

I think the bottom line is though that I do not love him .

I am completely financially dependent on dh and our home is rented in his name (I have bad credit).

I have recently told a rl best friend everything and she is amazing (but not around the corner). Family are a couple of hours away.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Zedsdead: It's PERFECTLY OK not to love this complete knob. He's selfish, controlling and a bully. He uses fear to control you and as to your financial dependence, I bet he has squashed any and every attempt you made to have any financial independence on the grounds that he would 'look after you' (ie control you - people like him are often 'lovely' when others are vulnerable but get nasty when other people grow strong enough to assert themselves). OK it may be down to the way he was parented, but he's an adult and it's up to him to seek help rather than take his problems out on you and his DC.

[beingsetup]

Grace is right I left my husband due to her advice and she was RIGHT. Thanks Grace again ;). My eldest son who was getting alot of flak from my ex is within a WEEK calm happy and normal again.

It does affect your kids, please listen and leave him

[zedsdead]

Ugh. I feel under so much pressure right now. Dh is behaving like a saint in every way. Being patient,loving, accommodating etc. Last night in bed he wanted to kiss me and I said no. The tension is terrible. I try to avoid going to bed when he does and lie there every night with my heart pounding hoping he will go to sleep and I won't have to reject him yet again.

We cannot go on like this, but I can't bring myself to let him near me physically at all. This feels like make or break time, but I don't know what I want.

I have to either confront this now, or put up and shut up. But how?

[zedsdead]

Have just emailed relate. Is it worth going on my own do you think? I'm worried about cost though as I can't afford to pay.

[ItsGraceAgain]

ZD, well done for contacting Relate. Yes, I think it's a good idea to go on your own. They usually let you pay what you can afford - I think they have some guidelines as to what's appropriate.