Need to ramble

[ooohbollocks]

Need some honest opinions here although I appreciate you are only getting my side - I am trying to be as honest as possible.

We moved to Australia over a year ago. DH loves it, I am not so sure. Big changes to the immigration system have now happened and it means we are needing to come back to the UK. Staying here will cost us every penny we've saved for. This was the plan until Thursday and we intended on coming back early August.

Roll forward to yesterday when I told work that we'd be leaving in August. They now want to try and sponsor me.

Won't have a definite yes or no answer to that until next week.

Against my better judgement, I told DH about what work have said and he thinks I am being selfish for not wanting to stay.

If my work say yes, it isn't all to do with not wanting to stay but more to do with the fact that I have a 2 year old son and my working ours will be 45 per week plus 45 minute commute every day.

This basically means for 5 days a week I won't see my son for a minimum of 2 years!

My husband thinks that I am being selfish for not doing this and leaping at the chance. Don't get me wrong, I am not work shy but there is a big difference between working 35 hours in the UK and 45 hour here.

I am having such a dilema. I wish I hadn't said anything to him yesterday but I don't keep anything from him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to work so many hours (they are not negotiable).

He's behaving like a complete prick towards me at the moment and I can see this splitting us, especially if work say yes.

Work say yes, we stay but I have no life.

Work say no we go back with a devastated husband and possibly a split in my marriage.

My head is a mess.

[estuardo]

If worksay yes will your work hours be the same as they are just now?

[Kathyjelly]

Can't you organise childcare close to your work, so you at least get to spend commute time with ds.

I do that and it's the best time of the day. In the morning he's fresh and bright and tells me all the stuff he's planning and in the evening he tells me about his day.

And I'm puzzled. If work says no and you all have to come back, why will that possibly split your marriage? It won't be your fault they've chosen not to sponsor you. Your dh is being a bit petulant isn't he? Perhaps he should try earning sponsorship himself!

[ooohbollocks]

He has and it has fallen though. I don't have any qualifications so never thought that work sponsoring me would be an option. Of course, they may still say no.

We've just not been getting along. He desperatley wants to stay and his frustration is being taken out on me. Petulant is a good word though. Ijust feel I am being bullied into accepting even before an offer is on the table.

As for my hours, currently I do 20 hours over 3 days. If I do 45 DS will be in childcare from 7 am until his dad can collect him at 5 pm. I'd not be home until 6.30 and he goes to bed at 7 pm and that would be it 5 days out of 7.

May be I am being lazy? Are there working mums who make this work?

I am happy to go back full-time but 45 hours just scares me.

[Kathyjelly]

You are definitely not being lazy. Don't even think it.

45 hours is crazy. I do 37 and that's enough. Add in food shopping at lunchtime, dropping off & collecting ds, and then all the stuff at home, there's just no time for flex. I mean for not feeling great, or having 20 minutes to yourself or getting the washing machine mended or suchlike. With a schedule like that, every little thing turns into a drama, you might start resenting your dh and it sounds like you don't need either at the moment.

I think the real problem is your dh is putting his desire to be is Aus before your or ds's wellbeing and that's not nice.

I think I'd just say no to hubby. Or if you want to try to compromise, go back to work and say you'll stay and be sponsored if it involves 35 hours a week but not 45. Then if they say no, you can tell DH that they won't sponsor you.

[ooohbollocks]

Thanks Kathy.

I've been thinking so much that I can't think straight anymore.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I don't get the bit where you are selfish for not wanting the same things as your H. Sounds to me that as one of you wants one thing and the other one wants the opposite, it can't be that more than 50% of the selfishness is on your part. I have to say I have rather more sympathy for your point of view, as it involves spending more (well, any!) time with your young child, which is surely a parent's primary duty? Although, as you say very fairly, we do only have your side of it, it sounds as though all the compromises are expected on your side. Putting your child first is not selfish. It will be a great shame if your H is deprived of his dream, as he is so happy there, but he's placing a very heavy burden on the rest of his family to make it work, which I'd say is kind of... have we used the word "selfish" already?

[turkeyboots]

Putting your and our sons happiness over a job isn't selfish. There is nothing like a move overseas though to really rattle a relationship and it will take some serious conversations and compromise on all sides to sort out.

Could your H work less hours so that your DS is home with one parent if you took the job?

[ItsGraceAgain]

This is really hard. I feel for you. It's such a big issue, there's no right answer - I feel it's one of those things where you have to listen to your own heart & stomach about what's best for you.

It's interesting that, now you've told DH about your employer's offer, it has raised differences you might not have seen until later. Something's changed - and, whether you end up staying or leaving, there's a new level of understanding in your marriage now (whether you wanted it just yet, or not!)

Dare I suggest it's a good idea for you to really work through your expectations, before you get an answer on your sponsorship?

On the pro-Oz side: a friend of mine hated Australia for her first 18 months. Then she suddenly 'got' it - and is still in Sydney, 15 years later. The economy here is awful; you wouldn't believe it unless you were working during the Seventies (I assume you were just a little 'un then.) There are no jobs and services are crumpling.

On the other side: even if you can't find jobs, you'll have enough to scrape by with (just about) until things pick up. Your friends are here. We don't separate the men & women at barbecues. We don't often have the weather for barbecues

If DH likes to be the macho kind of a bloke (which would go some way to explaining why he loves Oz??) - then his pride may be suffering that your work offered sponsorship while his didn't. He may also be feeling bad - or unsupported - because you've not been very happy, living his dream iyswim.

Lots to think about.

I hope you do get your offer, because then you'll know that any decision you make is your true choice. If not, then I guess you'll both muddle through over here until the issue rears up in some other form, maybe when DS is older & you feel more flexible.

FWIW, I had to move to London (from up north) when my career got going. I wanted to move there anyway, and when I got the job offer I needed, there was no doubt in my mind ... except that DH wanted to stay put. Although it was an incredibly painful decision, I told him I was going with or without him.

This is an important moment for you; I do sympathise. At the risk of sounding cheesy: it's also an opportunity to figure out what kind of life you want, for yourself and DS, then see where the chips fall. Good luck.

[DixieD]

It is a real tricky one alright, but you will both have to sit down and talk about it. Can DH cut back his hours if you move to 45 hours per week?
Do you like your job? I mean if you so end up getting the visa and moving to 45 hours a week will you be really miserable and end up resenting your DH?
I suppose if you did take the job and it didn't work out you could always go back to the UK then. That option is always open. Could you agree a trial basis of a year with DH and if it really isn't working for you or DS you go back to UK then?

[ooohbollocks]

The thing is i am not convinced being here is right now and I think you guys are right when you say I will end up being miserable if I am forced into this and I will resent him more.

No more talking today though. Need to wait and see what work say tomorrow.