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DP not spoke to mum in a year

9 replies

lilsteel1 · 19/05/2010 14:05

I am in need of help. I am 20 weeks gone.. so half way there. I thought that once i was with Bump then my DP might just speak to his mother, it did not happen.

They dont talk to each other because of me... she hates the fact that i was married before and had been seperated a while before meeting DP. we are now living together with first child on way and my other child loving DP.

I have tried to get them to talk but all he says is NO!! and that is it. he told her he was going to be a dad by sending a note with 3 words on it.

This needs resolved by october as I am finding it mentally hard as not only has he lost contact with his other 3 siblings but his extended family too as no one wants to take sides.

Sorry for going on but this is making me cry alot.

hope someone can help me

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2010 14:17

It is his mother's issue, not yours to carry. Do not burden yourself unduly with her issues. Actually you in all likelihood did not cause her to act like this at all; you've just become the now convenient scapegoat for her ills. It is actually good to read that your partner's main loyalty is to you and he is standing up to his Mum. Not all men do when faced with such toxic women as mothers.

There is likely a lot more to this as well, the divide and conquer strategy has also been played out in his family with predictable results. You need to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this will give you a good starting point.

You have likely come from a family too where this type of dysfunction is thankfully unknown so this is very hard for you to deal with. I am not criticising you at all for wanting to do something but the fact is you cannot interfere here because it will rebound on you badly if you do so. These types of dysfunctional families do not and never play by the rules governing "normal" family behaviours. Your wish that this is resolved by October may likely go ungranted.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

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JaxTellersOldLady · 19/05/2010 14:20

was going to reply, but Attila has covered everything that I wanted to say.

Good luck.

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lilsteel1 · 19/05/2010 14:23

Attila, it think you have been living with me you got the 2 families spot on, in mine family is family no matter what any of us does, and there have been some bad choices in the past by everyone.

His seem to hide the truth under the rug and blame the outsider. I just feel bad that he misses his little sister who is the same age as DS and he buys presents for all holidays and we send cards for them too, for nothing in return.

12 months is so long forgive and forget is my motto, we can not change things lets move on - not happening here.

think you are right i have a feeling that in 10 yrs time we will go to next child you had grandparents but mum has no idea what they look like lol

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VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 19/05/2010 22:13

I want to reiterate what Attila said, DH is from a family like yours and cannot understand all the drama that went on in mine. I haven't spoken to my father in years and while he may find it a bit odd he is fully supportive of my choice.
Please don't blame yourself, as Attila said it is great that he is putting you first. With time (as in years) things may sort themselves out with his sister but really, (in the nicest possible way) it is nothing to do with you (as in, it's not your fault, not that it's not your business, iyswim)

Enjoy being pregnant!

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2rebecca · 19/05/2010 23:50

Why is it making YOU cry alot? They're his family. You don't mention how he feels about his relatives. You can't change the way they are. Your man is standing by you and that's great. Crying over his relatives is just letting them get you down unnecessarily. Stop thinking about them and surround yourself with friends. Pretend his family live in Oz or something.
It may improve when you have the baby but getting upset over them is pointless.

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lilsteel1 · 20/05/2010 10:01

I cry because they where blaming me and saying nasty and incorrect things about me... I guess it hurt. DP hates his mother and father for so many things that happened in the past that just go under the rug!!!
He misses his sister soo much i ca see it pains him, there is 20 years between then and he brought he up for the first 7 and a half so to be cut out is very difficult.

I am a person who naturally has low self confidence so i think that is what makes me cry and i think sometime he will leave me for them, which is silly i know.

Thak you all for your support and help so glad to have found MN and people who are helpful and supportive.

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VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 20/05/2010 12:57

Of 6course^ it hurts, esepcially if you aren'tused to families that can be so nasty and vindictive.
It does sound like this is the last straw for your DP as lots has gone on, they may have been swept aside but there does come a point where you just can't take the shit anymore. Good for him that he has reached that point for your sake. They are upsetting you now by trying to play power games and you don't want people this toxic and nasty around your children, trust me.

WRT his sister, that is sad, I haven't spokenj to my sister in a few year and not seen my niece either. I still send cards and presents and hope they get through but unfortunately you can't force the issue, she will speak to him when she is ready, and it may take her reaching the limit as he has doen for her to be ready to do that.

I do recommend getting a copy of Toxic Inlaws that Atilla linked to, it may make you realise that actually, your DP is doing absolutely the right thing for you and his future child. Well done him!

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lilsteel1 · 20/05/2010 13:09

thank you soo much for the help. i must admit i have not cried in a week about it defo plus, i have ordered the book last night of amazon so should be here tomorrow then no MN just reading. I a really glad the DP stood up to the for me and that my family are so supportive and have adopted him in to the clan. so he has gained.

Toxic in laws is them to a T

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lilsteel1 · 22/05/2010 22:30

I have an update, DP father saw me in shops could not miss me to be honest and i said nothing but felt amazing to know i have his sons child and there is nothing they can do to distroy us wooohooo

thanks again for all the help