a question for those of you with low sex drives

[justgaveup]

This is a question for those of you with low sex drives. (it is NOT for those of you who have low sex drives because of young children, post childbirth problems, illness, relationship problems etc)

I wanted to pick the brains of those of you who just have a low sex drive, no particular reason for it, always had a low sex drive.

My question is this: do you think there is anything physically wrong with you? (lack of hormones?) or do you just accept that people have different libidos and yours just happens to be low?

My husband has zero libdio, but has always been like this, don't think he's gay, depressed, having an affair...it's just the way he is.
My friends have suggested I ask him to go to doctors and see about getting a testosterone test cos he might be lacking in that hormone. I feel a bit as though this is forcing him to be someone he's not.

(for background, i have a very high sex drive, always have and we've not had sex now for 10mths!)

[purplepeony]

Maybe you should post this on Dadsnet?
It is about male sex drive so you are only going to get women's answers here.

If men need male HRT- testosterone in fact- they are often having other symptoms too- just as women who take HRT have other symptoms apart from lack of sex drive ( in some cases.)

He MIGHT have low testosterone just as some men have high levels ( high levels are the cause of male pattern baldness BTW!)but whether he should be cajoled into taking medication for this is another matter.

I think I'd say that if HE is worried and wants to be more sexual fine, let him go to his dr, but if the initiator of this is YOU then it IS trying to make him into something he isn't.

There is such a range of libido- my DH is almost 56 and would happily have sex almost every day if time allowed it and we didn't have kids still living/lurking at home.

[Fizzfiend]

I had the same problem...DH absolutely refused to acknowledge the problem. So now we're divorcing.

I have asked him if he's gay, having an affair, whether he doesn't fancy me any more..all denials and bland responses that of course he fancies me but no action to back that up.

He refused to get checked out...just thought that I should put up with life in a nunnery. After four years I gave up. He needs to do some tests...unless you are happy to have a sex-free life too.

[Fizzfiend]

ps you should change the title to DHs with low sex drives....you will get a lot of response (sadly)

[AndieWalsh]

There is low sex drive and then there is no interest in sex at all. Ten months is a very long time. Are you sure he isn't depressed or there isn't some other reason?

[justgaveup]

nope, definately don't think he is depressed or anything is going on.

He's stressed about money (as am I) and knackered from 2 small kids (as am I) but this isn't a new thing, he's always not been very interested in sex. I thought I could handle it when we were first married cos I loved everything else about him (and us).

I haven't asked him to get checked out, i'm not sure if i want him to...

[AndieWalsh]

I suppose it is worth getting checked out (if he wants to) but I would say that low sex drive is much more likely to be an emotional/psychological issue than a physical one. If it is an issue for you, it is an issue for him, too 9or should be). What does he think?

[2010Dad]

I would ask him to get checked out for testosterone levels. I saw a documentary on it and the chap on there changed almost overnight. His marriage was transformed.

It's got to be worth a shot and there is a good chance he'll thank you for it later.

[purplepeony]

I saw that documentary on low sex drives too-(was it on Embarrassing Bodies??) BUT as I said earlier, the man in the prog had other problems similar to some menopausal women- tiredness, depression, night sweats, and it was really a showing the parallel with the male/female menopause.

Very few young men have testosterone problems that need medicating- more often they fall into the normal band of sex drive, but at the low end and yes, it can be psychological more than anything.

Are you sure you would know if he was depressed anyway?

The sad thing is that if he is not willing to face up to the problem and your unhappiness, it is indicative of his not really caring about you as a person. Either he faces up to the fact that you are not happy,and at least talks about it, or he risks losing you.

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist either alone or together to discuss this- that can be very helpful.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Prolactinoma - can be dangerous and cause blindness - worth getting a blood test to check hormone levels.

[BertieBotts]

Please go and have a look at AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network - it's a fantastic site (interesting forums too) aimed at people with low or non existent sex drives and their partners. The site does have a bias towards it being normal and healthy and not an "illness" to be treated (in fact it argues for asexuality to be recognised as a sexuality like homosexuality or bisexuality) but it does acknowledge that being asexual or having a very low sex drive can be a source of great stress and low self esteem in some people.

I have a very fluctuating sex drive, and have gone through long periods of it not being existent at all (especially during my teens) - I spent ages thinking and worrying about whether I was normal and this site has been great at helping me come to accept it, and actually I have come to realise that my sex drive tends to fluctuate depending on lots of factors, rather than being consistently low. I don't think there is anything wrong with me.

But yes, go and look at the site and the forums, they are nice on there, they don't bite (that would be far too kinky... lol)

[BertieBotts]

Oh and quickly because I forgot to mention this - don't be hurt by the "label" of asexuality, in this definition it just strictly means lack of sexual desire, not inability to love either gender. I just thought it was important to mention this because when my XP saw the asexuality.org address in my history he was very hurt and upset because he thought that it meant I couldn't be in love with him at all. (He is an ex now but for completely unrelated reasons)

[ItsGraceAgain]

OP, I'm assuming you find your sex life - whatever form it takes - satisfactory? Mismatched libido is one of the commonest relationship problems. As you two knew about this before you got hitched, you must both be comfortable with the difference?

If so, I'd be inclined to tell all the people who advise medical investigation to tend to their own problems. Every individual's sexuality is different from the rest. I have known two asexual men - so anxious were they about being 'abnormal', they tried being gay but that didn't work either. The 'abnormal' label was applied by other people; they were both perfectly content with a sex-free life.

You might be interested to know that hyper-sexuality, at the other end of the spectrum, is considered a disorder - because it causes personal distress and social problems. Hypo-sexuality, on the other hand, causes nobody any trouble at all

[Malificence]

I think that low libido in men is a bit more worrying than in women though, regular ejaculation is pretty essential to men's health, especially as they get older - if the prostate is kept fuctioning and healthy, the risk of cancer is thought to be lower.

The consultant who treated my FIL said it came as no surprise to him that he developed fairly early prostate cancer as he was celibate for 10 years ( from age 50), in effect the lack of activity hastened the process ( the vast majority of men get prostate cancer if they live long enough).

Do the men with zero libido not masturbate at all? The body will release semen once every few weeks if no sexual activity takes place but research suggests that for men over 40, ejaculation at least a a couple of times a week keeps the prostate healthy.
Prostate massage is common in some Eastern countries as they believe it keeps men healthy.

Older people who have regular sex are also healthier and happier than those who don't.

[justgaveup]

wow, thanks everyone for all your input and suggestions. I've had a look on that site AVEN and it was really interesting, if there's anyway I can get my husband to look at it I will.

I am not happy at all with our non existant sex life and even when it does happen, he is so totally passionless and very obviously doing it to keep me happy that I never orgasm cos that's just a total turn off.

I am very, very happy with the other 99% of our relationship, he is very physically affectionate and I feel very loved.

I'm not proud of this but I have taken other lovers in the past, just as one off's really because I feel so desperately frustrated. However, I am then racked with guilt about doing it behind his back so that kind of ruins the buzz there too!

I think i need to sit down and talk to him about it. I also think I may have a problem that someone else mentioned in that I am highly sexed, I feel like I can't function without sex and men and sexual attention, but I don't know how much of this feeling is because I am not getting any at home.

To add more confusion to my story, my husband regularly masturbates, maybe not as much as other men but definately on a regular basis. I've asked him about this and he's said that very often he just can't summon up the energy to 'bother' having sex!

I think a big sit down heart to heart is needed.

[Malificence]

OFGS! If he is regularly masturbating, then he hasn't got a low sex drive!
He's just a lazy git.

How can you feel "very loved" when he has no passion for you? If he can't be bothered to have sex with you , where exactly is the love?

[purplepeony]

I have a close friend who is in this situation; they have been married 20 years and not had sex for around 10 years. It began when they had emotional issues which resulted in her having psychotherapy for 5 years. he is distant and an emotional bully. However, they are still married but he works overseas and only comes home fortnightly for a weekend etc.which in a way is prolonging the situation.

Point is though- he masturbates regularly when at home- they sleep in separate rooms but she can hear him. I asked her why they don't at least TRY to get their sex life back on track- on the basis that the more you do it, the more you want to., and after 10 years you need tokck-start it.

Her response is that he cannot be bothered; he is a selfish lover at the best of times and cannot be bothered to please her. She also thinks that the reason he has not had an affair- pretty sure he hasn't) is because he is too LAZY to seek anyone out, though he is very good looking and very rich!

What I am trying to say is that here is another man like your DH who just cannot be arsed to make the effort. I don't quite follow your bit about the orgasm- are you saying he can't be bothered to do what you need?

If so, why do you love him so much- he sounds utterly selfish-it's not to do with low sex drive at all- it's to do with him a nd what's goin on inhis head- which doesn't inlcude thinking about you and your needs.

[Malificence]

Op, do yourself a favour and realise he hasn't got "zero libido", his libido sounds perfectly fine.

He just cba to have sex with you, if that doesn't make you angry and hurt, I don't know what would.

Trying to convince yourself that he's asexual is a mistake, that's letting him off the hook for what he really is - selfish .

[Zweig]

Oh. I just found this having posted something about my own low sex drive. I don't fit your category as I haven't always been this way. But right now, I'm totally off the idea. But I do love my DP, I really do. I'm not interested in anyone else, not gay, and I do love him. But I really have no interest in sex.

I think it must be incredibly hard for you. I know that I was always the one with the higher sex drive in the first part of our relationship (we've been together 17 years) and I remember the feeling of frustration and rejection. But you know your DH and if you feel loved and that he loves you, then I'm sure that's true.

I wish I had an answer for you.