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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

he loves me more than i love him

11 replies

littleearthquakes · 13/05/2010 12:51

I have name-changed. Feeling utterly torn up inside. I married young and quickly (23 after 19months together), had DS 2 years later, he's now 18mo. I think I always knew that I'd married a stable man who loved me and was offering an escape from the mess I that I was. We've been happy together, but obviously hvaing a baby has thrown a bit of a grenade into our relationship. We had a conversation recently where we said we've just got into the habit of being a bit mean to each other. DH is making such an effort but I feel myself withdrawing more and more. I feel so sad. I've always known in my heart that maybe he loved me more than I him, he's always said he thought he'd have to settle for someone and is so happy he didn't with me. I feel I settled. I feel so selfish and horrid, for agreeing to marry him in the first place, for having a baby who is now stuck in the middle, for preventing DH from finding someone he deserves. But I am terrified for DS's sake more than anything of walking away from our marriage.

Am I being completely over-dramatic? We had a whirlwind relationship, I fancied the pants off him, we still have regular and very good sex, but I feel like a fraud and just don't know what to do.

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FlightyButPolite · 13/05/2010 13:06

It sounds like PND to me. I had a very similar reaction to my DH after the birth of my ds and with lots of support from my GP I got through it.

Do you think perhaps you are scared of being loved more than you love? You mention a mess that you were in, is there a chance that you see yourself as someone not worthy of great deals of love?

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FlightyButPolite · 13/05/2010 13:07

oh, and I married my DH after 18 months. Just because it's a whirlwind doesn't mean it won't last.

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littleearthquakes · 13/05/2010 13:18

I hadn't thought about PND....I'm generally in a bit of a mess MH wise anyway in all honesty.

I am completely terrified of not being deserving, I think I am probably fucking things up on purpose.

Maybe I should go back to the mental health board

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littleearthquakes · 13/05/2010 17:23

anyone else...think maybe my previous post is just self-indulgence

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msboogie · 13/05/2010 17:39

Not self indulgence no, but maybe you are not seeing thigs straight either. Maybe a touch of PND? it does manifest in all sorts of ways in different people.

Yuo haven't actually referred to anything that is the matter with your DH, you still fancy him and have sex etc. Have your feelings actually changed toward him or is it just the new reality getting in the way? Are you just thinking the grass is greener and missing the old "you" but transferring this into a sense of disatisfaction with your DH?

It's hard to overstate the effect that having a baby can have on even a really good relationship. It makes me laugh when people think that having a baby will bring a couple closer together - in reality I think it pushes you apart in a lot of ways.

I have a 20 month old DS and while we are still happy together our relationship is different to how it was before - less intimate, more about DS than us as a couple. Which is, I suppose, how it should be, but it means you really have to work at the relationship. It is very easy to slip arpart and very easy to be mean, tired, snappy, impatient.

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minipie · 13/05/2010 17:43

How long have you felt like this? Is it just a few months, or is it most of your relationship? Did you feel like this pre-DS?

Sorry for all the questions but it does make a difference. I think all or at least most long term relationships go through periods where you have doubts... maybe think you settled... aren't very nice to each other. The question is whether it's just a temporary, few months thing or something that is fundamental and long lasting.

Oh, just saw your post re MH issues. Not really sure how that impacts but suspect it may be related?

I don't think it's self indulgence by the way.

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littleearthquakes · 13/05/2010 17:57

I don't know to be honest, I think I've always known I said yes to the first man who was nice to me!! I've felt the distance more since DS was born, but the last few months and especially the last few weeks I've felt like I have no idea who DH is anymore. It's me creating this distance.

There's def an element of me missing the old me, the freedom.

I keep thinking all I have to do is work on it a bit more, but I just don't want to and that's so sad

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littleearthquakes · 13/05/2010 18:00

we still have sex because I feel so awful, he adores me and fancies the pants off me. I hate turning him away.

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FlightyButPolite · 14/05/2010 21:58

But you see the freedom, as you put it, goes when you have your DS. That's it - pouf! like a flash in the pan.

And I don't think that it necessarily has anything to do with age, as an ancient midthirties person, I do (sometimes) wish I was still 18 and out on the town every weekend.

And then I watch DC sleeping and don't.

I really think that you need to go back and see your gp - they should offer you some CBT/counselling as well as pharmaceutical solutions - I really think that you'd find it useful.

Take care.

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Zooropa · 14/05/2010 22:19

I am in a similar situation but I am your DH. I know he doesn't love me as he used to, we had the situation where we are being mean to each other, now I am making the effort and he is withdrawing. He has flashes where he is the "old" him but most of the time I feel I am just an annoyance to him, insecure and reaching out for affection and love that I used to be so sure of.

Anyway - I agree about seeing your gp but if you establish you actually do feel like this I think you need to weigh up what you stand to lose. also some honesty with him because not knowing why your dp is withdrawing is the worst thing, you question everything and your own sanity

I hope you can work things out.

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littleearthquakes · 22/05/2010 09:14

zooropa I'm really sorry to hear that, if he's anything like me at the moment he doesn't know what's going on or why he feels he's changing.

I'm confused as to whether I've always felt like this or if it's recent, I suspect the former.

I do miss life before but I think I miss more my life not having to keep DH informed all the time where and when I am, I would give up everything for DS though and do not for a second regret having him. He and his love is the only constant, though it has taken me a long time to feel this way.

DH is being so brilliant, giving me space when I need it, he's become much calmer in the last few weeks, I think he's really worried about me. I'm just swinging between being very distant and trying to get as close to him as I can...the guilt is overwhelming.

When I honestly think about what I really want, I just want to be me and DS, see DH regularly and share parenting and friendship. I don't really want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone