No sex has become bad sex...major paranoia, what do I do?

[Marmadillo]

I like a sexual relationship and it's important to me - very stupid etc but it helps make me feel loved. (Not just that, obv, there are other factors!)
My DH is not so fussed, it seems; I was his first and he was a late starter, shall we say. Never a headboard rattler, more gentle and loving, and with substance, which was nice after some of the wild times (and miserable but sexually good) relationships I'd had in the past.

After the birth of DS, we stopped having sex, and it was for over a year; more really, because it was very very infrequent. We were also having other relationship problems - fighting and arguing, extreme tiredness, new baby.
Anyhow, it had been over a year, but I decided time was to make something happen, so I did, last weekend; I opened a bottle of wine and made my move.

But...it was rather rubbish really. TMI coming up, but he didn't stay inside me, but pleasured himself (with me there obv!), but it took aaaaaaggeeeees for him to reach climax. He even apologised a couple of times! It wasn't great, but then I decided now that we'd broken our duck we should try to maintain it, but the next night he said he was too tired, which felt like a mega rejection.

We don't live together - he works away - so it's weekends only. I guess he's been getting his kicks elsewhere; not an affair, but maybe porn or whatever. I am now totally panicked that I'm not as good/attractive/obvious(!)/professional as his pictures, and he can't really climax inside me or even with me. Am I being paranoid?
What do I do, do I try to find what's been giving him pleasure when I've not been involved? Or is that a bad idea? Is there anything I can do?

I just want him to be mad for me, to lust. But he doesn't and I feel all mumsy and pedestrian really. I used to be quite adventurous but it's like some different life. I want that back, but with my DH - but I'm seriously wondering whether it's possible.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Please don't go blazing in accusing him of having affairs or looking at porn without any evidence. It's just as likely that this is a man with a lowish libido and the reason he wasn't much good the other night was because he got raging performance anxiety. And then, when you wanted to do it again, he was probably terrified that his willy wouldn't work at all hence making his excuses.
TBH he is probably unlikely to 'lust' if he has a low libido - this doesn;t mean you're attractiv or unloveable, it means that this particular man simply isn't very bothered about sex. And you do sound a little tiny bit as though you could be intimidating him - you decided that sex should happen more often... he does actually have the right to some input in the process you know.
Can you find a relaxing time to have a talk with him and try to be as unthreatening as possible - tell him that you feel sad and mumsy at the lack of sex and ask him how he feels about it all. And listen to what he says before the two of you start discussing what each of you wants most from the other and how to compromise so you both get as much of what you want as possible.

[thinker]

You could try a blow job to get him into it again ???? Also could you just ask him what has happened ???

[Marmadillo]

thinker he doesn't like blow jobs!

Seriously, thank you SolidGold, that's a very interesting and helpful perspective which I really couldn't get to by myself - I'm all in my own head IYKWIM.
I think you're right that he has a low libido (see above comment...) - it wasn't twice a night every night before, it's always been more like once a week. (So I guess expecting two nights in a row after a year off is somewhat unreasonable - hadn't thought of that.)
I can also see - now that you've said it - that I could be quite intimidating, and he's a gentle person and quite shy in bed.
But talking needs to start, I agree. And I need to stop being too screwed up about it because my previous relationships were big on sex but seriously disastrous in all other areas and I can't really judge my DH on the standards of, e.g. booty-call-man-who-wouldn't-even-have-a-coffee-in-public ex, etc.

[thinker]

A man...................doesn`t like blow jobs...........?????? OMG !!!!!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's OK not to like blowjobs. Some perfectly nice people don't like kissing - we all have different preferences. Armadillo: low libido in men is not that rare, it's a myth that men are desperate for sex all the time, some men (like some women) are simply not very interested.
YOu say your H has always been like this, which suggests that it's just the way he is, not that he doesn't love you (or has a medical issue, sometimes a drastic drop in libido can be sorted out by the GP but I wouldn't recommend it in this case).
If he is otherwise a good parent and a loving partner then keep talking and communicating and try to understand each other's point of view and you may well be able to sort things out amicably.

[2010Dad]

IMO it's extremely likely that since he's out of the swing of things (regular sex), he's got into the habit of sorting himself out with porn. It's not that he prefers it to you, but men usually need something visual to get that release.

I'm holding my 2 week old boy in my arms right now and since DW wasn't normally up for it during her pregnancy, when she occasionally was (3 or 4 times in 9 months I think), there were a couple of times where the timing wasn't the best!

Your 4th paragraph: "But...it was rather rubbish really. TMI coming up, but he didn't stay inside me, but pleasured himself (with me there obv!), but it took aaaaaaggeeeees for him to reach climax. He even apologised a couple of times!" - that sounds like a man who has very recently satisfied his urges once or twice... (to put it in the nicest possible way).

The best thing to do is tell him how you're feeling and that you want to get back to your old self and suggest that he ensures he's ready for action! Put your favourite heels on and tell him it's his lucky day/week/year

[ItsGraceAgain]

I'm relieved you posted that, 2010, because it was my first thought - but SGB's reply was so much more big-picture and relationship orientated, I didn't want to introduce doubt. Anyway, Marmadillo: the part that made me think you could be right about the porn is where he didn't stay inside and ended up doing DIY. That's fairly classic for a man who's become used to having sex by himself; the hand-job feeling being very different to full sex, he sort of forgets how to be excited by 'real' sex.

SGB's points are all very valid, though. Since your sex life wasn't wild pre-baby, it seems his libido is of the muted variety and you have said you're fine with that. Performance anxiety is pretty likely under the circs you described - and nobody likes feeling pressured for sex, even if they are male! SGB's gentle talk plan is excellent.

If the two of you find a way forward and you then discover he still needs to finish himself off ... time to revisit the other issue.

Hope all goes well for you both

[Marmadillo]

Thanks people - and I'm glad to have 2010's perspective!
I mean, I sort of expect him to pleasure himself when he's by himself really because blokes do etc...
Grace your comments on hand-job, that's exactly what I was concerned about but not stating it very well, and it's been worrying me a lot. (Further worry was I had a baby, am I all slack and therefore it's no good )

But agree SolidGold is right, work on the relationship issues, because whilst this bothers me, I didn't marry him so that I was walking around in an orgasmic haze all day; he's a wonderful man and a wonderful dad.

Thanks everyone, you're all really helping becuase I was fixating somewhat...

[carmenelectra]

Marmadillo,

I think you have been given some good advice/comments.

I think as women we sort of expect to be desired and lusted after by men and if we arent then we get all paranoid.

Quite recently i have started making a huge effort with my dp and having much more sex than normal. I found now though that i am always the one instigating it(wheres before it was probably mainly him). This has made me paranoid that he isn't that fussed about sex with me, or maybe isn't as fussed as he makes out, generally.

I too, have started thinking that maybe it feels crap cos i am slack after 3 children. Sorry too much info from me now, but this has been kind of confirmed i think from me having a feel and not feeling much 'grip' if you get me.

I do think some men don't have a massive sex drive contrary to what most people think.

In your case no sex for over a yr well i would say your dh has almost certainly been sorting himself out on a regular basis(even with a low sex drive) and 'normal sex prob feels very different.

[Malificence]

Imho, if he continues to finish himself off during sex, he is never going to learn how to get other stimulation to be able to orgasm.
Much better would be for him to get you to orgasm (it will make you much tighter for one thing) and if he's not getting anywhere, to just stop and leave it for another time, he should also stop masturbating whilst away (that's if he does, he may not - mine never used to, he often had the opposite problem of being trigger happy when he'd been away)) he sounds like he's just not used to penetrative sex, he needs to get used to feeling your orgasm while he's inside you, that might become a trigger for his orgasm .

If he stops dead a few times if penetration isn't doing it for him ( after you've had a good time obv.), it may be enough to break the "cycle" - he won't explode, men are perfectly able to still enjoy sex without an orgasm at the end, just like women.

[Marmadillo]

Been doing lots of thinking on my drive to work!
I think...yes, he must have been sorting himself out. And I can't really blame him for that: whilst he's shy and doesn't push the issue, and is not all in your face about it, I guess I've not been majorly forthcoming or encouraging. But he's sensible enough not to force himself on me ('sensible' is a bad description thinking about it, hopefully YKWIM!) because that wouldn't be on! So rather than make me sleep with him when he thinks I'm not that fussed he's been sorting himself out.

Then 2010Dad good point on recent events; I suppose if I were a bloke, and knew I was visiting my wife for the weekend, but wasn't going to be getting any, I might get rid of any, er, buildup beforehand! IYKWIM! So he was surprised by the offer...! I've made it plain he's getting it this weekend, so hopefully he'll be forewarned. (That wasn't supposed to be a pervy wink.)

I think, once the talking is happening, we need to consider a way of getting him back into the mindset of sex = with me primarily, not hand job/whatever.

But thanks everyone - I was totally terrified that everyone would just tell me to get lost/whatever. Special thanks to 2010Dad for the male perspective!

Carmen I'm not so hot on biology but checking yourself out if you're not in the middle of arousal might not give you a true picture? Doesn't everything contract etc during sex and swell up with all the blood rushing around? (Crikey! )

[Marmadillo]

Thanks malificence - x-posted. V. good advice there too.
So it's been a long while (it was a full year with nothing, but my DS is 2 and there was very little when I was bf, and I did that for a while; then pregnancy...see where I'm going: it was birthdays and Christmas only), and I guess we're going to need to relearn everything. Could be fun though!

[carmenelectra]

Marmadillo

Yes i get the biology thing!! I just try and have a squeeze around my fingers but doesnt contract as much as it used to . Not sure how much of an indicator this is for what my partner feels during sex but i reckon things defo slacker. Gross, i know.

[ILovePlayingDarts]

Isn't this where the pelvic floor exercises come in handy?

[Marmadillo]

Oh, don't start - I've had mine carpeted over!

[carmenelectra]

I do my pelvic floor exercises but think maybe i need one of those toner thingies lol

[Malificence]

Before female orgasm, but when very aroused, the upper end of the vagina actually expands and "tents" upwards, thats why really deep and hard sex isn't uncomfortable when you are fully aroused.
You should try some really deep penetration ( doggy or legs over shoulders) and see if he gets extra stimulation from your cervix, as he'll be able to get into the "cul-de-sac" area , or, have sex with your legs together to give him extra friction - getting/keeping him inside you when you've had an orgasm will definitely be tighter though.
Did he have to work really hard and fast to get "there"?
I know how frustrating it can be, DH just couldn't "produce" when he had to provide semen samples, he could go for an hour or more, we ended up cheating and using "special" condoms.

He needs re-training, basically.

God I'm missing sex at the moment. I feel guilty just for wanting it, and boy, do I WANT IT!

[beanlet]

My XH had a very odd sexuality he quite liked it, but he wasn't particularly interested in it, certainly not as much as me and he had only ever tried to masturbate once, when he was a teenager, and got nothing out of it so couldn't see the point. I probably should have seen the writing on the wall then, really. He certainly wasn't particularly good in bed. And he definitely wasn't interested in porn, or having an affair. He was just quite innocent, really, with a low libido.

I'm sure there are more men out there than we could possibly imagine who are not particularly interested in sex.

[confusedmummie]

Marmadillo

hey, my partner is exactly the same!! great high sex drive at first but once had me lil girl it went tits up for me (not being selfish) he started to say after birth, he has never had a high sex drive but it was like mad at the time my patner dont work away but with porn i hate it coz if he was to you know over it i would be dissapointed that he couldnt come to me about it but im not callikng myself great looking but i know his friends fancy me and would love some1 like me dont ask why lol so i wonder whats wrong with me, but its nothing dont worry, its them!! cant see what they actually got but i know he would never cheat on me because if he would it would be that playstation (grown man gone back to teenager)