Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm in love with 2 - can't leave one but can't be without the other..

12 replies

doyoubelieveinsoulmates · 04/05/2010 15:19

Namechanged for this as it's a bit and and I'm a bit embarrassed tbh.

Short version - known OM for 8 years, had a brief fling but drifted apart, have both had relationships but we seem to keep missing each other being single, IYSWIM.

It was so good when we were together, and I've seen him occasionally over the years, we always get on as if we've never been apart. I really believe we are soulmates. (Sorry, cheesy I know but the connection is so strong that's the only way I can describe it)

On sunday I was out with friends (DP stayed home) and OM was out too (best friend's DB) I told him I sometimes miss us, and asked if he ever thought about it. He said he does
We chatted about how it's funny the way things turn out, and wondering what could have been had we chosen different paths. Conversation was interrupted a lot as we were out with others; he said we should continue the conversation again, and I have his number don't I?

It feels very selfish of me to want this conversation with him knowing that I won't act upon it, as I can't leave DP and DS. I would never consider cheating but I always find myself making excuses to myself to get away with seeing OM. (I don't, by the way, this is all in my head!) I think things like, "one more kiss wouldn't hurt, get it out of my system" which I know is wrong because I'm with DP, and unfair and almost teasing to OM. But I can't help feeling that I need to tell him

Sorry for such a long post, I had to say it somewhere, can't tell anyone in RL as it sounds so pathetic, but it's been going round and round my head for days!

OP posts:

Report

harimo · 04/05/2010 15:22

Yes. It's selfish.

And - if you open the door - prepare to see your world fall apart.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Report

HappyWoman · 04/05/2010 15:25

You sound very sensible - you know you must keep it in your head - there is a reason you are not together - try and remember that. Also why not make up some bad things about om - his feet smell or he tells the same old jokes over and over - find something about him that you know you could not live with and focus on that instead.

Report

noddyholder · 04/05/2010 15:41

You sound like you are enjoying the bit of excitement and attention which is normal but DO NOT CONTINUE THE CHAT unless you are looking to hurt all concerned

Report

doyoubelieveinsoulmates · 04/05/2010 15:46

Thanks for the replies.

harimo that's the last thing I want, but I know it will happen if I do. DP has been cheated on in the past, there would be no question about ending it if I strayed. (And rightly so, I think the other way around I would be of the same opinion)

HappyWoman thanks for the tip - off the top of my head all I can think if is I don't like him drunk! But I don't think he'd be able to commit long term (unless of course his feelings for me are such that he just can't commit to anyone else, but that's much too big-headed and nonsensical a thought!)

His last relationship was about 5 years, but ended after 8 months of marriage. I definitely wouldn't want to marry him (I felt this when I was with him years ago too) he would just be great for the fun stuff. Ut so is DP, and I know he's capable of holding a marriage together with me, and I want to marry him.

OP posts:

Report

doyoubelieveinsoulmates · 04/05/2010 15:47

*that should be but so is DP..

OP posts:

Report

AMumInScotland · 04/05/2010 16:03

You aren't in love with 2 - you are in love with an idea - a romantic idea of this man being your "soulmate", the one that got away, the one that was "meant" etc, etc, etc.

If you were truly meant to be together, it would have happened when you went out with him earlier - you just need to focus on the fact that what you want isn't this man at all, but someone who only exists inside your head.

Turn away, and make it work with your DP.

Report

piscesmoon · 04/05/2010 16:11

I agree with AMuminScotland -it is a romantic idea. Don't contact him and leave well alone.

Report

doyoubelieveinsoulmates · 04/05/2010 16:14

Thanks AMumInScotland, you've summed it up perfectly for me (why on earth couldn't I think of that??) You're right, if we were meant to be together, it would have happened by now.

I will throw myself into my relationship with DP (which, ftr, there is nothing wrong with. which makes all of this worse - it's not as if i have a crap relationship causing me to look elsewhere ) and try to see OM as little as possible, and keep any ideals about being with him tightly locked away.

OP posts:

Report

Northernlurker · 04/05/2010 16:20

It seems like you are considering cheating to me. If you absolutely aren't going down that path then you need to stop seeing this man and you need to make your peace with that.

It was a brief fling - of course it seems more exciting, more meaningful than 'What are we having for tea, did you book the B&B in Skegness and where's my slippers?' - but if was that great you would never have split up would you?

I think you need to forget his phone number asap and don't leave yourself vulnerable to this sort of conversation. How would you feel if your dp had been talking what might have been with an ex squeeze?

Report

AMumInScotland · 04/05/2010 16:23

Like many things, it's a lot easier to see from the outside - all too easy to get caught up in a whirl of emotions, and lose sight of that. Have a think about what aspects of this idea are so appealing, and either put them aside if they are impractical, or pursue them with DP - you don't have to explain why, but if it's things like "having proper time together to talk" or "getting out of the house together" or just "having fun" then you can make room for those with DP and nurture the proper relationship you have, instead of feeding the imaginary one.

Report

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/05/2010 16:27

I agree - it's a lovely romantic idea, but you are on very dangerous ground. I'd also agree that you need to stop all contact completely. It will be hard and you may well pine for a bit, but then you need to turn all this daydreaming and excitement into energy for your partnership with DP

Report

doyoubelieveinsoulmates · 04/05/2010 16:48

Northern - I won't lie, I have considered it, shamefully, but when I think about what it would do to my relationship I stop myself thinking it. Because I know it would be what it was before - a fun fling. And then I'd have nothing when it ended.

Thank you everyone for helping me see sense - I was so lost in the emotions and daydreams I couldn't control my thoughts!