My Husband has just told me "to get off my arse"!

[Fruitysunshine]

I am fuming!

For weeks I have been pushing him to get on with the DIY. The patio is nearly finished, the hall is now started, it took my weeks to get my sons room decorated for him moving back in and I did it myself in the end, as well as running the house every day, the school run, their diaries, washing every day, cooking, tidying up, supporting friends, being his PA and running by own events business!

We were sitting in the lounge and my glass of wine had finished. I hinted that it could do with topping up and after a couple of minutes he got us saying in a really nasty tone "Why don't you just get off your arse and do it yourself?"

In the 5 years I have known my husband he has never said anything like this to me. I was really upset and said something along the lines of "Well next time you can cook your own bloody tea then" and he said "I normally do" . For the record, he does not, I do it!!

What hurts me most is that I have saved my wages for months and later in the month it is his birthday and I have organised a black tie James Bond themed dinner/dance/casino night and all our friends and family are attending from as far away as Canada and he knows nothing of it. It is costing me around £3k and I have organised this in total secret for the last 13 months because I believe he is worth it and I love him to bits, but tonight he has really shocked/hurt me with what he said and we have always had such a high level of respect for each other (or so I thought) that it makes me think that things are changing for him. I feel I work really hard for my family, as he does and his comments tonight make me think he believes I am slacking and that he is carrying the weight.

Now I want to be all petulant and cancel his party!

Please somebody calm me down and prevent me ringing the hotel tomorrow and cancel the bloody birthday party!

[Bonsoir]

You really need to clear the air with your DH here. What he said is totally out of order.

[Fruitysunshine]

I guess it sounds so lame to others compared to what some people put up with in their relationships but we usually have the utmost respect for each other and I feel this is a "sign" of something going wrong...

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Well, it's a hell of a nasty thing to say, but if you've been 'pushing him for weeks' to do a job which is not urgent, I can see that 'hinting' that he should get up and top up your glass of wine would push him over the edge a bit.

Why didn't you just fill your own glass? Do you feel that you're carrying the whole weight of the household? Because that's how your post is coming across; that you do everything around here and you have to nag and nag to get him to do anything. And that's what he's responding to.

Just chat to him. Make it clear that you appreciate he works hard for his family. I suspect you two have fallen into a bad cycle of communication and he feels picked on and lashed out. He's out of order, but an honest conversation will fix it.

[nagoo]

agree with tortoise. It's just one thing he said. He's proabbly feeling nagged at. Yes it was a horrible thing, but it's only one thing, and, in the points system of life, he must have racked up enough credits to get to keep his party!

[Fruitysunshine]

Hhhmmm tortoise, can see your point but this is my second marriage and I always check myself on "nagging" so as not to do it. The last few months he has seemed disinterested in the family, spends 14 hours a day out of the house whilst I look after our 5 kids with everything else and yes perhaps I may feel at times that I am carrying the burden of weight on my shoulders. There was a time when neither of us felt it was a weight that it was something we shared because we both wanted what we had equally. The chasing for the DIY is a job that he has been working of for a year now which he originally said would take him 6 weeks.

I could have perfectly well have gotten "off my arse" and got my own glass of wine but trying to be flirty (and slightly can't be bothered as he is often with me) with my husband clearly backfired tonight for the first time ever.

I tell him very regularly that I appreciate how hard he works and the long hours he puts in, hence this huge party I have been planning for over a year to celebrate his 40th birthday.

[nagoo]

Is he at work for the 14 hours or off on jollies?

[Fruitysunshine]

A mixture of both.

[blinks]

are you suspicious he's having an affair?

you seem to be implying that.

[Fruitysunshine]

We tried to discuss it and it has now ended with me sleeping on the sofa tonight.

[Fruitysunshine]

An affair has not even entered my mind. It has crossed my mind that he may "want out" though...

[thumbwitch]

coming up to 40, big time in some men's lives, they go a bit strange. Am also thinking potential for an affair there, sudden long hours away, not wanting to spend time with family - even if not affair, mid-life crisis time? Perhaps trying to "re-claim lost youth" crap stuff?

Don't cancel party but do sit down with him and have a discussion re. why he felt the need to make that remark and how it made you feel; and also enquire re. long hours away from family.

[blinks]

have you told him that you're scared he's distancing himself from you and this outburst is adding to that fear?

what was said?

[thumbwitch]

oh bugger. Sorry about that - is that your choice because he was even worse, or because he has gone off in a royal strop?

[Fruitysunshine]

I am just so blooming angry and upset now though - even more now that I have ended up on the sofa!

I have worked so hard to pull of this party for him - he has so many people that care for him and I just wanted him to enter his forties know that he is loved and appreciated by so many people - including me. Now I feel like he is secretly harbouring resentment and it makes me mad - like I am totally fine with feeling lumbered all the time. Tried speaking about it a wee bit earlier and he just said "he was joking" and clearly he was not joking. It all sounds so pathetic now but something is now right, I can feel it.

[Fruitysunshine]

I said I was sleeping on the sofa as I am seething about all of this.

It took me all of my restraint not to blurt out that I had organised this surprise party for him!

For christ sake, calm down woman!

[thumbwitch]

Hmmm. Ok, so your choice because you're fuming, fair enough.

If you can feel something isn't right, then you're probably right. BUt it could be anything - fear of being 40, stress at work, fear of losing his job, maybe OW, lots of different reasons.

Are you resentful? Have you said as much or is it maybe creeping out in the way you behave to him? I'm not blaming you, just asking if it's all one-sided behaviour change.

Don't wreck the party surprise out of pique - it would be such a shame to spoil all your hard work!

[Fruitysunshine]

thumbwitch - you could have hit on something with me feeling a bit resentful. I always seem to have to push him to get anything done around the house hence my decorating my son's bedroom as it was never getting done. I try to do it in a kind of "will you have time this week somewhen to try and do such and such" and it is usually "I have other stuff I have to do for work" which is fair enough as he has his own business but it can't be all work and no family as I can't do it all myself.

I would be happy to carry the load for a while if he asked me to but he is not, he is just leaving it to me without discussion so maybe, yes, I am feeling resentful that I am being taking for granted while he does what he wants.

[thumbwitch]

His own business - that was what I was wondering. Is he worried about it? I have no idea why some men insist on keeping money worries to themselves, but I know they do - is he one of those?

Thing is, if he is feeling remotely guilty about not doing stuff for the house (which you might be increasing by drawing attention to his lack of doing stuff) then he probably will get snotty about it. I know I do!

TELL him that last part - say something like as your marriage is a partnership, you are there to help him as much as he is to help you, and if he needs you to do a bit extra while he concentrates on the business for a SHORT time, then he needs to discuss it with you, like anyone would with a partner. Ask him if the business is ok in as roundabout a fashion as you can manage, given the current economic climate - say you are worried about him, that he seems stressed/distanced/any other appropriate adjective.

If that doesn't work and he doesn't open up, you'll have to decide whether to do any covert investigations.

As for getting decorating/ DIY stuff done, ask him if it's ok for you to get someone in to do it, as it really needs to be done and you don't actually have the time and he doesn't seem to either. See where that gets you.

[blinks]

a frank discussion is needed as if you leave these things,it can grow legs.

don't try to mind-read. ask him outright but make sure you don't make it all about him- tell him how you've been feeling and communicate that you don't expect answers/solutions but need a more open dialogue.

men are better at communicating in chunks so give him some space after an initial exchange to process it all and be open to his responses.

hopefully you're both just going through a period of detachment and can come back together in time for the Le Grande Celebration.

he's behaves like a knob tonight though but try to get it in perspective.

[Fruitysunshine]

Thumbwitch - the voice of reason.

It all makes complete sense when you put it like that. My own personal negatives are my lack of patience and forgetting that not everyone is as resilient as I perceive myself to be.

I will take on board what you have said and will address it in the morning....may cook him a bacon buttie in silence before he leaves for work!

Thank you

p.s. This marriage lark is blooming frustrating at times!

[Fruitysunshine]

Thanks blinks - for reminding me not to forget about me.

[thumbwitch]

tell me about it!

Hope it works out well for you.

[ReneRusso]

I do that with diy thumbwitch, casually mention I'm thinking of getting a handyman in to do x, y and z, and usually that gets the job done by DH.

[nooka]

I wonder whether you might also be feeling a bit pressured by this very special party you are throwing? It's just that there is a little bit of a 'how can he be so nasty when I am doing this lovely thing for him' feeling coming through - I know I can be like this, and although it is totally understandable it's a bit mind readerish. So you might have a situation where it's just that both of you are thinking things and not saying them, which can lead to issues building up from nothing.

Is part of the get the DIY done because of the party? Are people staying and you want it done before then? Again totally understandable, but it might be one reason why you are bothered about getting things finished, whilst he is just knackered and doesn't want to think about it, and can't understand why you are pushing him.

14 hour days don't sound good for anyone.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

"The last few months he has seemed disinterested in the family, spends 14 hours a day out of the house whilst I look after our 5 kids with everything else"

Yes, I thought there might be more to it. I don't have any advice, just sympathy, and I hope I didn't come across too mean before.