partner won't give up smoking cannabis

[floppops]

We have a 12 week old baby,our first child. It has been a uphill struggle from a difficult birth to her not sleeping at all in the first 2 months.
It is now getting better with our DD becoming more settled but our relationship is pretty much shot.
My partner smokes cannabis all day, does cocaine sometimes too (in the house). He goes for 'walks' for a spliff and sometimes doesn't come back for hours. He doesn't help much with our DD or the housework and he is mostly at home as he is freelance. He has manic episodes that are a nightmare to deal with.
I left and went to my mums a month ago when I found him asleep in the bath at 6.30am having been on an all night drink/drugs binge(in the house). I then involved his family hoping to get some support but they are already aware of his behaviour and put me under pressure to move back. So I did and he started up again with the shouting,swearing and then crying. I asked him to leave again and he went to his brothers, but again took him back after pressure from him and his family. We sleep in seperate bedrooms mostly because if he's woken by the baby he is even more difficult to deal with plus the fact that I am brimming with resentment. His family are always asking what they can do to help. I don't know what to tell them. He doesn't support us and I have to pay for my half of the rent plus a lot of our bills on my maternity allowance.I have always been the one to pay the bills with him owing me £4000 in back rent and bills. The fact that he spends money we don't have on drugs makes me so angry. I am afraid when I just want it all to end and be a happy single parent to my DD, but he does love us and I keep thinking we could be a happy family if only he'd give up the drugs and get help with his mania. I don't know what to do.

[GypsyMoth]

You need to get out, seriously. He won't ever change.

[smallishsheep]

No, he doesn't love you. He loves the drugs more. Get out now.

[llareggub]

Leave him. It sounds horrendous.

[Gibbon]

He needs serious help. Sadly this cannot come from you. Remove yourself and your child from this dreadful life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Leave him. His primary relationship is with drugs; you and your child are not on his list of priorities in any way, shape or form. He loves the drugs more than you and his child.

You'd honestly be better off as a single parent and your child would thank you for leaving him completely. No more taking him back either, his parents would want you to take him back so that they are no longer responsible for him. This man is more than happy to drag you and your child down with him.

[BertieBotts]

Oh floppops, what an awful situation to be in.

I agree with the others, sadly. You need to leave him or get him to leave. Drugs and children are not a good combination - I am shocked that he thinks it acceptable to take cocaine in the house where his DD lives What happens when she starts crawling? What if she found some or got some on her fingers by accident and put them in her mouth?? And that is the least of your worries, with the debt, the fact his behaviour is unpredictable while on drugs, all the problems which come with addiction, and the fact that just by being involved with drugs he is opening himself to involvement with the whole underworld/criminal type involvement. I know that sounds over dramatic and paranoid, but it's not.

If his family want to help then the best thing they can do is keep him away from you and your DD until he is clean, and offer him the support he needs to do so. If he loves you then he needs to get clean for his DD - but please stop deluding yourself, it is not ever going to be a happy family life while drugs are involved. The two things are utterly incompatible. And if he does want to get off the drugs, then it is better that you don't stay and support him directly - it is a hard process, and will involve a lot of stress which is not fair to inflict on your DD.

I would tell him you are moving out and if he wants to be part of DD's life, that he needs to get clean, but it is up to him. It might just be the shock he needs to sort out his life, but if not - well there you have your answer about how much he really does care.

I am sorry you are in this position. (((Hugs))) Good luck, stay strong - think of your DD!

[floppops]

Thanks for your replies.
He did start with drug counselling but the counsellor said he was to cut down slowly on cannabis and not give it up?! He won't get couselling for the cocaine-he just says he'll stop but I am doubtful. He also has told our doctor about it all and is due to start CBT(cognitive behaviour therapy).
But still it all comes down to he is still on the drugs and I am still here.
I can't afford to pay the rent on my own and I'm not sure where to go longterm.

[smallishsheep]

CBT will not help cocaine use
Leave. As a single parent you will get help with the rent. And make sure you tell the relevant people (CSA, income support) that he owes you so much. They will chase it up for you.
What the hell kind of freelance work does he do anyway? He doesn't sound as if he's in any state to work.
You owe it to yourself and your child to leave. Today.

[Snorbs]

"...I keep thinking we could be a happy family if only he'd give up the drugs and get help with his mania."

This is so sad. . The "if only" keeps people like you (and me, a few years ago) stuck in these relationships with addicts. What you need to try to do is to forget, for now, what you think the relationhip should/could be like "if only" he wasn't the person he is today. You can't know that. He could stop smoking dope tomorrow and still be a self-centered asshole. Or you could spend a decade waiting for him to stop.

Instead, look at what you have right now. What are you getting out of this relationship right now other than the hope that, in the future, he could change and not treat you so shabbily?

The bottom line is that, right now, you are effectively financing his drug habit. I'm afraid that I very much doubt you'll ever see that £4,000 he owes you I'm afraid.

Right now, he doesn't want to stop smoking. Why should he? He's got someone to pay for his bills so he can spend more of his money on drugs, he's got someone who cleans the house, cooks his dinner and looks after his child, and he can sit around stoned all day. However much he may or may not care about the effect of his behaviour on you, he cares less about you than about drugs.

The thing to do with an addict is to ignore what they say, and absolutely ignore any promises about what they're going to do in the future about their addiction. Instead, pay attention to what they do. He's doing a lot of drugs. Do you want to share your life with a drug addict?

As for his family, it is absolutely not your responsibility (or theirs) to try to fix this man. His drug addiction is his responsibility and nobody else's. Your responsibility is towards you and your child.

Raising a child with a drug addict is wretched and potentially dangerous. If Social Services found out that there is a habitual cannabis and cocaine user in the same house as a baby then they will not be impressed. It may well be worth you talking to Women's Aid.

[BertieBotts]

If he wants to sort it out, he will sort it out - he won't make half hearted attempts to go to the doctor or empty promises, or say "I'll try".

If you go onto www.entitledto.com and put in all your details as though you were on your own then it will tell you what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. It would probably be easiest if you can get him to leave rather than leaving yourself, as you won't have the hassle of finding a deposit etc.

You say his family say they want to help - can he go and stay with them? Maybe they can support him and help him find some options other than what his GP has suggested. www.talktofrank.com is a good place to start looking. They have a freephone helpline as well.

[floppops]

He did start with talk to frank,they were the ones who said he should cut down on his cannabis use. I have tried to get him to go to his families house but he and them not keen.
Thanks all for the support-I know you are all right. It is just so hard when you are so tired from no sleep and constantly looking after a baby to get the energy up to make him leave.

[Threelittleducks]

Go to your council - they will help you fill out the forms you need to apply for housing benefit and council tax benefit. Try Citizens Advice too - they will be very helpful and will help push things faster for you.
Good luck. I hope you find strength for your dd. She needs her mummy to be strong for her! Best wishes to you xxxx

[2rebecca]

Agree with others that you can't make him give up the drugs, you can only choose not to live with a drug user and expose your children to him. He sounds like a waster, it sounds as though you moved in together before you realised this. I couldn't live with a guy who spent all day idling around.

[junglist1]

Mine was a smoker too, but managed to hold a job down. They chat rubbish that it doesn't affect their mood etc but it does. Is it the old school weed or skunk? Skunk is full of all sorts and fries brains. When addicts talk about no effects they are talking about weed you can't even buy anymore, skunk can turn people psychotic, I hate it.

[candylady]

easy junglist 1 u going jungle fever? on a serious note the crack thing dont work 4 me my man has is little dabble but never in front of the kids, and I told him he has to somoke outside untill at least 9pm, or in the kitchen. come on now we have to have some rules?

[JeezyPeeps]

That was me until January. I had fifteen years of broken promises, and every year that went by he got stranger and more detached from reality. He stopped working eight years ago and now won't, he started growing cannabis and promised and promised to stop as the kids were getting nearer their teenage years, but every time he stopped for a couple of months, and then slowly and quietly a plant would appear on a windowsill, then another, then another.

In my experience you would be wasting your time to try and stay, and the biggest incentive that he would have to change his life if you showed how serious you were by action, and not talk.

[vintagewarrior]

Throw him out, and see if he changes, you cam always let him come back if he proves for 6 - 12 months to be clean. I'm not gonna slag him off as I actually smoke a little weed myself, but I don't drink, it's my occaisional pleasure. And would never bring it home for my dc aged 2 to find. Good luck, you do deserve better than this especially with such young child x

[WombFrootShoot]

I think you've been smoking a little bit today haven't you VW?

[expatinscotland]

You need to get him out or leave him. NOW. Before social services finds out you are living with a drug addict.

He may love you, but he loves drugs more.

[FushandChups]

I can only echo previous posters but I would strongly recommend you consider leaving.

My marriage broke down for reasons other than his habitual cannabis habit but since then, stbxh's behaviour has become incredibly irrational and unpredictable. Whilst he claims it is down to me , I can see that his paranoia and delusions are really effecting his judgement and I worry for my DC around him now.

Your DD is only dinky - if he sorts it out, there is plenty of time for her to know her dad without his addiction. If he doesn't, you are well shot of someone who would rather get high than spend time with you as a family. Sadly, he loves his weed far more than you two at he moment

BTW, I smoked a lot whilst with stbxh so can't say much bad about the 'devil weed' as I enjoyed it in moderation - but that's the key, moderation; not every day to excess mixed with a Class A drug.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

ZOMBIE THREAD FFS.

On commission, Rhia, are you?

[dalmatianmad]

I pressume that he used drugs before you conceived? Why on earth did you choose to have a baby with this idiot?

My ex started smoking when my dc were 2 and 3 years old. He smoked daily, in the house, refused to go outside.

Everything stunk, including their clothes, I couldn't have anyone round because the smell was so bad.
He was moody, became abusive, chose to spend money on cannabis leaving us without electric.....
I finally saw sense and left, best thing I ever did. Makes me sad that my kids still recognise the smell

[FushandChups]

Balls