Is a man's poor relationship with his own mother a red flag?

[BaggyAgy]

Somewhere I heard that men who have a poor relationship with their Mother end up having poor relationships with their partners/wife. Is this your experience? Is it a red flag, and should such men be avoided?

[GypsyMoth]

yes!!

this was my experience,and the ex dh psychiatrist confirmed it too

[pagwatch]

My Dh has a terrible relationship with his mother - he didn't see her for 7 years until they met very recently.
We have been married 21 years. he is loving, attentive, hard working, a great father etc etc.

So no.

Men who have a bad relationship with their mother may in fact have horrible or very difficult mothers

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It's a warning sign - yes. I remember telling my friends that one of the things I loved about DH when I met him was that he loved, respected and admired his Mum - it demonstrated that he had very positive views about women.

I would be very wary about getting involved with a man who had been abandoned by his mother and had received no help or therapy to process his feelings. Every man I've ever met in this position is an emotionally retarded male with a deeply entrenched dislike of women.

[Booboobedoo]

What pagwatch said.

DH has a - well - strained relationship with his mother, but she was abusive to him all through his childhood and teens. He left home at seventeen, and now things remain cordial as long as we don't see them too much.

I must admit that when we first had DS he reverted to learned behaviour somewhat. (I bore the brunt, not DS). I was angry with myself for while. You know, "why on earth did I not run a mile the moment I met his family?".

However, we had some couples counselling and both practised some CBT, and things really couldn't be better.

He is a wonderful husband and father. And no-one would get on well with his mother if they had to live with her for more than a couple of days.

No-one.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think that's the key isn't it? Getting some help to process those angry feelings, either from your partner, a wise friend or a therapist.

It's the men who won't acknowledge that they feel robbed of love and support that IMO, have (and cause) most difficulties.

[BaggyAgy]

Hi, thanks and interesting replies. My H refers to his now late Mother by her first name and her maiden name, even though she and his father were married to each other for 50 odd years. What do you make of that?

[GypsyMoth]

sounds like he's distancing her from his own family set up? god,dont know....how does he feel about women in general?

my ex used to hate elderly women.....with a passion....in his head i think (tho cant be sure) they all represented the grandmother who abused his own mother,and who then went on to abuse him

[AnyFucker]

I think in some cases it can be a red flag...it very much depends

Maybe a bloke's relationship with his mother could never have worked out (due to her...not him)...and he grew stronger and more mature in spite of this

My DH has a wonderfully warm and loving r'ship with his parents and he is a wonderful man

However, I didn't with my parents, still don't and I am also a wonderful person < twitch>

[GeekOfTheWeek]

My mil was the absent parent (her choice) and saw dh and his db every other weekend. Dh had a pretty shitty time growing up and does resent his mum. She is a very selfish, self centred woman and dh and his db don't like her v much although they do tolerate her. Just.

Dh is a wonderful husband, great dad and I couldn't ask for better.

Bil is very messed up and leads a chaotic life.

[Undercovamutha]

My dad had quite a strained relationship with his mother - they were very distant and formal.

My parents have been married for 35 years, and people often comment on how attentive and kind he is to my mother (who has been disabled for 20 years). He is very 'touchy-feely' and loving with my mum, even though his mother never ever hugged him.

[EndangeredSpecies]

Thinking back to all my exes, the controlling weirdo I should never have got involved with was still surgically attached to his mother's apron strings and could do no wrong. The one I should have stayed with had a lovely mum and a lovely relationship with her. Meanwhile DH has a mother who shows him almost no affection and as a result is constantly attention seeking. I'd say amber light not red flag.

[nethermind]

I think much is depends on the reason for the bad relatonship. Does the man generally dislike women or just his mother, he may have a good reason to dislike her after all!

It can be equally worrying when a man has a very close relationship with his mother.

[Kiwinyc]

I have a different theory - i think you need to look closely at how his father, treats his mother. (Assuming they're still together)

I think thats where boys learn how to treat their partners and that they often copy many of the attitudes their fathers have about their mothers as wife, partner, etc.

[AnyFucker]

I agree with that, kiwi

[YesYouMust]

What pag said, i'm also inclined to agree with Kiwi.

[NicknameTaken]

I agree with all the others that negative feelings about his mother are an issue if he hasn't made an attempt to deal with them. There is a very real risk that he will project his resentment onto you, especially if/when you become a mother yourself.

This was a major, major problem with my ex and I think it contributed a lot to him becoming abusive once DD arrived.

[MiniMousse]

my ex would prob describe his relationship with his mum as good, as would she. But from an outsider's point of view, it is dysfunctional - she treats him like a little god who can do no wrong. His sister was, as a child 'a horror' no other words ever used to describe her, whilst ex was 'no trouble, lovely, had beautiful curly hair which she did not want to cut' etc etc. By being placed on a pedestal all his life, and so obviously favoured over his sister, ex has turned into a selfish, self obsessed character who is actually unable to see that anyone else's feelings should/could come before his own.
So yes, I think a man's rel with his mum is a red flag, even those who describe their rel with their mum as 'great'...

[BaggyAgy]

Thank you, your opinions are really enlightening.

My H's mother seriously contemplated making him move out of his home and rent a room when he was 15 and still at school. They went together to inspect the intended room. She doted on his much younger sibling. My relate counsellor said that my H's constant flirting probably had its roots in his relationship with him Mother. Do you think he is constantly seeing female attention/approval?

[Meglet]

XP's dad is a right twunt and I get the impression he treated his wife like crap. 30 years later I was getting crap from his son.

[Booboobedoo]

BaggyAggy - it's hard to judge without getting more of an overview IYSWIM.

From when he was about seven years old my DH's Mum repeatedly told him that she wanted to have him fostered as she 'couldn't cope with him'.

He is definitely not a flirt, as he has trouble believing that anyone could find him attractive and want to be with him.

But the same type of treatment affects different personalities in different ways, so maybe your counsellor is right.

[MarshaBrady]

yes Kiwi that sounds a good theory. Mil is a strong woman (in her own arena), fil is very good with her.

[Abitwobblynow]

Yes. Absolutely.

[Mumsyblouse]

I do think a poor relationship with your mother affects you, men or women. This may be because we have an idealised idea of what a mother should be like, and if it turns out they are uncaring, horrible or whatever, it doesn't fit this mould. If a man is inconsiderate or uninterested in contact with his own mother, this would ring alarm bells, but in my DH's case, he has every reason to find his mother difficult. But I still think it has an effect down the generations.

And, yes to the relationship between the FIL and MIL, if this is strong and caring, it will count for the lot, even if the mother is a bit problematic.