Advice and support for my lovely sister please, who's husband is having an affair

[3of3]

It is so sad that this post is about to become one of many but my sister discovered a few days ago that her husband of 4 years has been having an affair

We are trying to offer her as much emotional support as possible but would really appreciate your thoughts/support/practical advise.

They have two small children (under the age of 4)and this is not the first time that he he has been unfaithful to her.

At the moment, she is very confused and is not always in the mood to talk things through with us (very understandable).

He has moved out temporarily (at her request) and is staying with a friend nearby. He hasn't expressed any remorse (from what I can gather) and has not been in touch to see how she is. He did pop home briefly yesterday to collect something from the house and spoke to her very briefly but didn't ask how she was or how the children were

At this stage, she just needs more time to think things through and decide what she is going to do but I wondered if you wouldnt mind sharing some advice with us on how we can support her through this.

Also, from a practical point of view, what can she do to try and protect herself and her sons in the event that she decides to leave him.

Is there a way that she could access initial free legal advice? Or financial advice?

Many thanks everyone x

[BitOfFun]

I think many solicitors affer a free first half hour if you ring and enquire for her?

Good luck.

There are lots of posters on here who can give great advice, so I will keep this bumped in the hope that one of them sees this.

I guess it's difficult though to give any advice through a third paty iyswim? Perhaps that's why nobody has got back to you yet? Maybe you could get your sister to join and she could access the support directly?

[Movingon2010]

I am sorry to hear your sister's plight it is a very difficult time. I agree with Bitoffun to have your sister join the forum as it is difficult to give advice where there are many personal variables to any relationship. Though having said that I would have your sister set up her own bank account and take 50% from the joint so she is able to cover her and her children's essential living expenses until any formal agreement can be nutted out. (This was the advice from a very repected Family Lawyer)

A book that helped me through my dilemma was Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents by Karen Woodall and Nick Woodall. This is a very practical book that helped me understand what may be happening internally as well as a guide through the mess. I also bought some of Relates books (After the Affair etc.)- while waiting for counselling. It would be worth looking into individual and relationship counselling so your sister works out what she wants to have happen.

I also used the website Resolution first for family law -www.resolution.org.uk

Best of luck and she is fortunate to have a caring sister.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It's difficult to advise without knowing much about the type of affair it was or the particular circumstances. There are however two huge additional negatives to this story. If a man has been unfaithful this early on in marriage, it suggests he is not ready to be monogamous and that the motivation for infidelity is more to do with not being ready to commit to one woman.

The second negative (and it is the biggest one) is that if someone has seen the pain a first discovered infidelity causes - and goes on to do it again - it suggests that they really cannot love enough.

With all those circumstances, it is better for your sister to cut her losses and acknowledge that this man is unlikely to be faithful - to her or anybody.

This last point is crucial. Sadly, betrayed spouses tend to beat themselves up for lacking in some way and causing the infidelity. It is essential that you drive the message home that this is in no way your sister's fault.

In her particular case, her H is probably not ready to be faithful to anybody.

The other point that might be crucial to understand as her helpers, is that in many cases, there were no pre-existing problems in the marriage before an affair happened. People on the outside often assume that there must have been, but in many cases it is just all about the betraying spouse's response to an opportunity. However content they are with their home situation, they just cannot pass up the opportunity of an adventure, or the lure of someone new.

If there were gremlins in the marriage, all parties need to distinguish between their shared responsibility for those problems and the response to the difficulties. This is really important. Infidelity is a spectacularly useless way of dealing with grievances in a marriage, whereas airing those issues and trying to resolve them as a team is the adult response.

If this has never happened before to you or your Mum - and you are trying to help her, the very best you can do is to listen and try not to judge her. If it's a recent discovery, she will be feeling shock, a lack of safety, some idiocy for forgiving before, anger, sadness and possibly some denial.

Mother her, offer practical help like looking after the DCs, run her a bath and get her to eat. Be prepared to listen to her rant and rave or sob and cry. Encourage her to see a counsellor. Make enquiries for her and try to lift the load of all the myriad of stuff we all need to keep the show on the road each day - even paying a bill or doing the shopping can seem a mountainous chore when one is in shock.

When her and her H need to talk, take the kids away for some long uninterrupted time. Give them lots of cuddles too, as their world will be different at the moment.

You may want to rip your BIL's head off, but resist the urge to slate him, either behind his back or to his face. Understand that it's going to be difficult for her to go from loving to hating him this quickly.

If your sis is an analytical person who needs to make sense of the past few months, encourage her to timeline when she last felt truly happy. Help her identify why she was feeling unsettled and uneasy - this really helps.

[3of3]

Thank you so much for your responses and sorry for not getting back sooner. Particularly to whenwillifeelnormalfor a very lovely post.

I would love to think that my sister would be able to come onto here but she is incredibly stubborn and also a very proud and private person so I just don't know whether she would not.

I will perhaps link to this thread though (and then hide ) as she may feel able to pick it up from here.

I think that there were infidelities before they got married (beween engagement and wedding) but I won't go into details here just incase it exposes her in real life. At the moment, very few people know of what has happened.

I think that I have also read threads on here where people were being advised to put money aside into a seperate account and wondered whether I should suggest that to her.

I was also wondering whether she could use my ebay account to sell some of her stuff and raise some contingency money. I know that it isnt strictly allowed though.

Does anyone know whether the CAB can offer support or advice or legal assistance?

Many thanks

[BlingLoving]

If she has only just found out, I suspect that she would not be up to thinking about the trauma of seperate money etc. Although those are good thoughts and ones you should consider. Is he likely to attempt to cause problems for her financially? I think in the first few days it's hard to think abut things like lawyers, and finances etc. Right now shes probably just trying to get through things and stop her DSs from being too unhappy. I would stick with being supportive and practical where possible - help her with childcare and looking after things, offer her a shoulder to cry on.

Has anyone in the family tried to reach him? Are your parents able to be supportive too?

[3of3]

Thanks bling, you are right. I think that she is still probably trying to come to terms with what has happened and may not be able to think about practical things just yet.

I don't know whether he will try to cause problems financially. My gut instinct is that he wont but then he has been surprising us all lately

My mum and sister live near by and are doing all they can. I live a few hours drive away unfrtunately and feeling preety useless in terms of the practical suppport that I can offer her

[3of3]

I know that I should stay calm but I fucking hate him right now and wouldn't like to repeat what I would do to her if I ever met her. Destroying the life of my sister and her two small children

Sorry, rant over!!!! Just had to get that off my chest!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

OP - Rant away! As long as you do it on here, that is a safe place to do that.

Can I also suggest that if at all possible, you make that drive and go to stay with your sister? If your other sister and Mum live near, they probably aren't staying with her and when they go home, she is alone and faced with her demons. She might need to stay up at night to talk, or to have a lie in because she's probably sleeping so badly.

She will feel she's got to keep a brave face on when the DCs are around and she's probably putting up a front with any acquaintances she has to see each day. That night-time shift is when it all comes crashing down.

I agree that she's probably too shocked and traumatised to face dealing with practical issues at the moment. That can wait a while.

Try and work out between you all what you can each offer her at the moment - one of you will probably be better at practical stuff like shopping, housework, dealing with her correspondence etc., another will be good for childcare and helping the DCs cope, another will be great for listening and dealing with the emotional fall-out.

It's irrational, but many betrayed spouses feel ashamed of what's happened and if nothing like this has happened to a family member before, talking about it to relatives can be difficult. There's also the added complexity of the role she has always played in the family - i.e. the youngest, eldest, or middle sibling. This could be affecting her responses too.

I really want to re-emphasise something and that is to keep telling her that this is not her fault, or her shame.

She couldn't control this - she couldn't have prevented it. Only he could have controlled his fidelity. She really needs to understand this and accept it.