Why would he?

[MrsJensenAckles]

Okay so this is my first post and I am hoping that I don't get shot down but I need to know what people think I should make of this.

I know I did a terrible thing but 18 months ago I had an affair with a man from my work who already had a partner he was with for a long time, maybe ten years or so. They have two children but he told me they had not yet married because he never really loved her as he should have. As for me? I am married too? I am not from England, as is my husband. He is quite traditional and controlling and he works very long hours even though we could live on a little less money as I have told him many times. I think I was just feeling lonely when this other man came into my life and my husband was not listening to me? I felt I could really be myself with the new man? but again it is no excuse I know.

So, this affair was mostly an emotional affair - he had moved to work at another office but we kept in contact, and eventually we did go to bed together once. We had said we would meet up again, but his girlfriend found my emails to him and threw him out then told my husband all about it. For a couple of weeks we were sneaking around again sending messages while we were at work. At first he asked me what I wanted to do but I had to tell him I would stay with my husband, even though it was not what I wanted, which I said - I was waiting for a visa and might have been deported otherwise as I am sure my husband would have made sure of this.

Also, because of our culture we have a very close society so it was a very big decision to make as I would have to break with all my friends. My qualifications are not accepted here and I hadn't finished a course to transfer them either, so if it did not work or he changed his mind I woudl be stuck and my husband also said I would never be able to see my child again as he would take her home. So I said we should be in contact for the next year but I could not leave to be with him till then because of all this. Anyway, after a few weeks of talking, during which he said there was no way he would do this behind my husband's back for so long, he broke up with me and went back to his partner.

I was heartbroken. After, I did not hear from him since until last week, when he sent me back a book I had given him (it was my favourite, something I really treasure with lots of meaning to me), plus a present I gave him at work after I had been to my home country (I also bought some for other people). I know he sent it as I know his writing. It had no note in it or anything.

So what I am asking is? why would he do that, especially after so long? What should I think? I know what we did was wrong but why send back my gifts? Please don't judge my affair as I had my reasons though I went about it wrong.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

If my dh had an affair and we were trying to repair our marriage then I would expect him to return the ow belongings/gifts.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I can guess as much as you can, what to you think it meant? What do you want it to mean? The fact there is no note suggests to me that it is not about getting you back, just that he knew the book meant a lot to you.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I would deduce from this that he actually loved his GF very much and that she insisted he rid the house of any possessions that had anything to do with you. I think he should have binned them though, rather than send them back to you. Please don't contact him though, you have done enough harm as it is.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

He is sending the gifts back as he wants to make it clear he wants nothing more to do with you.

[said]

He's seeking "closure", I think. Sorry.

[Hassled]

His partner put pressure on him to return them and he decided that he loves her enough/wants the relationship to work enough to agree.

You need to move on - do what you can to make your marriage to work, or accept you won't be happy with your husband and go your own way. Staying with your husband for the sake of your visa is not a good enough reason.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

What wwifn and fab said.

[MrsJensenAckles]

Thank you for your thoughts. I am dying inside - because he never asked me to leave my husband once it was all out in the open so I thought he did not want me. Leaving without being sure I could depend on my lover was too much for me to risk. Yet he said he could not talk about the future until I had made an independent decision to leave - and even then he had to make sure his girlfriend was okay, whatever this meant. Thank you again.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i think he sent them back because he wants to finalise his relationship with you - really sorry if thats not what you want to hear. it must be hard to bear. but i think he has moved on, and i think you need to do the same.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

It is quite normal for the OM not to ask the married lover to leave their husband for him. They don't want the pressure/responsibility.

It will get better with time.